Monthly Archives: March 2012

Is Behavioral health related to Behavior or Health?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mental Health or Mental Illness

Mental Health or Mental Illness?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is Behavioral Health?

The term “Behavioral health” is getting associated with anything from a place that treats mental illness to healthy lifestyles. Additional areas of concern have been added to the things the local mental health agency concerns itself with and some of the old concerns are getting eliminated. The further we stretch the term behavioral health, the more it includes, the less meaning it has.

Some consumers, who were used to going to mental health, resent the name change to Behavioral Health. They point out that they are not their behavior and that being depressed anxious etc is not a behavior. At the same time, consumers are complaining about the new “behavioral healthcare” name, a major national group, the National Council for Community Behavioral Healthcare is pushing forward with programs aimed at reducing the stigma of mental illness and informing the community about mental illness and related issues. So why the need for a name change?

You would think that Behavioral Health and Healthy Behaviors would somehow be related. There are lots of programs, blogs, and books on living and behaving in a healthy manner. Adult-onset Diabetes is highly correlated with being overweight and with having a sedentary lifestyle. So exercising is a part of healthy behaviors but not part of most Behavioral Health Departments program. We keep changing the names for a reason.

We have a tendency to avoid words that have unpleasant connotations. First, we see someone with a disability or problem. Next, we try to define what exactly is their difficulty. Defining requires a word or term. Before long the word goes from defining this person’s challenge to being a label people attach to the person, not the condition. So the term that began as a definition of an issue someone was experiencing became a negative derisive term that we can no longer say.

Consider a historical example. We discovered that given two people, both age twenty, one might be able to do advanced Calculus and another might still be struggling with basic addition. To explain this we invented the concept of I. Q. or intelligence quotation. IQ was understood as the number that resulted from dividing their mental age by their chronological age.  Let’s avoid the math and the changes in the test that measure this idea for now.

So people with a high score were called geniuses, or gifted. For people with a low score, we needed terms that described just how much lower their score was than the average.  So at first, some people used terms to describe a particular range of low scores with terms like moron or imbecile. Before long these terms moved from describing a score on a piece of paper to describing people. Calling people by those labels was offensive to them and to others and we don’t use the labels anymore.  We invented new labels.

So the new terms became Mild, Moderate, Severe, and Profound Mental Retardation. This set of terms is still in use in the most recent DSM diagnostic manual but already I notice people are uncomfortable describing anyone with these terms and we are using newer labels to avoid describing people by their IQ score.

For a long time, the same social service department that worked with the mentally ill also worked with people with lower than average IQ scores. We had places called the “X county department of mental illness and mental retardation.” Someplace changed that name to the department “FOR the mentally retarded and mentally ill,” because the first name sounded like all the employees had a mental illness or low IQ scores. Many people with a mental illness like depression or anxiety avoided going to a place for the mentally retarded because they were “not like that.” So recently we have split off the services for those with low IQ scores. They now go to special places which in my area are called “regional centers.” I expect before long all places called regional or centers will have to change their names when people find out that regional centers serve those with low IQ’s and their families. This separation creates another problem. People with low IQ scores can and do get Anxious or Depressed and they need both kinds of help.

So we have started using another term “Developmentally delayed,” which is also fuzzy because this can be applied to a lot of things besides low IQ. Eventually, we will have to stop using this term when people catch on that some “Developmentally Delayed” people have physical or learning problems and some have low IQ scores. I have written before about the trend to diagnose all people with a low IQ as having ADHD and then give them a stimulant med. We keep hoping there will be a pill that will make all people geniuses.

But our story does not end there.

Over the last few years, mental health and substance abuse programs have begun to integrate. So the mental illness label, while it did fit some substance abusers, did not fit all. And other times we find high but not universal levels of substance abuse among clients who have mental illnesses. So we started looking for a name that might be inclusive of everyone the agency was trying to serve.

The prevalent form of therapy these days is not the traditional Freudian model but the newer Behavioral and cognitive-behavioral types. My understanding of thoughts is that they are also events. Electricity moves through nerve cells and chemicals (neurotransmitters) move between cells. So every thought also involves an event and is a behavior we could see and measure. Yanking your hand out of a fire is a behavior but it is not likely to be something you think over and decide to do. So I can easily see how someone who starts out drinking can reach a point where they are dependent on alcohol. Someone who thinks about negative events in their life may become depressed. In both cases, there are behaviors going on but in neither case do I think the person is choosing to be sick.

Among children “behavioral health” diagnoses mostly include bad behavior like being very oppositional or not meeting parent’s and teacher’s requirements. So some people have started to think that people who go to “Behavioral Health” for help are just poorly behaved and need to knock it off. I can assure you they would if they could. Having a mental illness or an addiction is not fun.

People can also get knocked down by life events like losing a loved one. The ability to get back up is called resiliency. People who have trouble getting back up may need help in the form of counseling. It is hard to see how those problems are “behavioral health” problems except in terms of an event of thoughts moving around in the head. Very often clients who can’t get back up are referred to Behavioral health. They are certain they are not crazy and know they are not doing this deliberately so they tell us they don’t need to see a counselor.

I agree with them, they are not crazy, and being depressed or anxious or having another life problem does not mean you are behaving badly. But you still just might benefit from counseling. Things will get even more complicated in the future when Behavioral Health becomes more fully integrated with physical health. Negative thoughts can actually really make you sick and physical illnesses can change your mood.

Until we find a better name for the way in which we try to help people by teaching and talking – Behavioral Health just may have to do.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Lonely Fruit Flies get drunk

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Fruit fly

Lonely Fruit flies drink.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Lonely fruit flies get drunk.

Lonely fruit flies drink almost 50% more alcohol than fruit flies with mates. Maybe this should reassure us, maybe not. We have known for a long time that some other mammals will get drunk. Check the internet and you will find videos of drunken monkeys. So far the question was, do monkeys drink like humans, or do humans who drink act like monkeys? Maybe both?

There are reports also of elephants that raid villager’s beer and get drunk. This is the first time I have seen an account of drunken fruit flies. And this account gives us the reason for the fruit flies drinking.

Did we really need a study of fruit flies drinking? Does this sound like something we thought we should know without a study? I had to read it twice to see why they did this study. Then I started thinking they may be on to something. If lonely fruit flies drank more maybe it is not just us humans that would drink given the chance. Hang with me on this.

This study, done in San Francisco, where else, compared the drinking of two groups of fruit flies. Knowing that part of the world the way I do I am surprised that this experiment has not already been repeated using fraternity men. Maybe it has. Send in your comments if you know of a repeat of this experiment using some other animal.

Saying the fruit flies were lonely is, of course, my interpretation. They are really hard to interview and fruit flies rarely talk about their feelings. We have to guess from their actions how fruit flies are feeling, which may be another way in which fruit flies and male humans are alike.

One way in which fruit flies are unlike humans – sort of – is that female fruit flies who have mated once lose interest in mating again. So the researchers let the female fruit flies breed, presumably without the benefit of alcohol to make the male fruit flies look better.

Then they let some more male fruit flies have a go at the lady flies. The late-arriving male flies got turned down. This is where it starts to get interesting and makes some sense of why all the flies and the alcohol.

When the males who got to mate when offered the alcohol could take it or leave it. But the male fruit flies who got turned down drank a lot more.

The unmated male flies, I prefer to think of them as lonely, had much lower levels of one specific brain chemical. A similar chemical called Neuropeptide Y is found in humans. When humans are sad or depressed the levels of Neuropeptide Y drop.

The conclusion I draw from this research is that sadness, depression, and loneliness causes a physical craving for alcohol whether you are a human or a fruit fly.

Now that is no excuse for drinking, particularly excessive drinking. In humans, we know that sex alone is not enough to reduce the urge to drink. But what stands out most for me is that a lack of warm close relationships increases the risks of a negative emotion and that predisposes a human to substance abuse.

There you have it, get depressed, Neuropeptide Y drops, and you crave alcohol whether you are a man or fruit fly.

As for those lonely fruit flies, what should we do? Maybe start a charity to form fruit fly bowling leagues or quidditch tournaments?  Anyone know of a dating service for lonely fruit flies?

Till next time, keep working on your happy relationships.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Bipolar Disorder Genetics Research Study- Come one come all

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Person with masks

Bipolar.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Here is another Bipolar research study that I thought was worth passing along.

This was announced last month but I just came across the post.  While it may not help anyone with their current symptoms these kinds of studies help us understand more about

This was announced last month but I just came across the post.  While it may not help anyone with their current symptoms these kinds of studies help us understand more about Bipolar disorder and other conditions that just look like bipolar but aren’t. Here is the full press announcement from the March 1, 2012, update from the NIMH partner’s email. Let me know what you think of these blog entries on Bipolar research programs. Are they helpful? Have you heard about this before? Feel free to leave a comment on the counselorssoapbox.com blog.

“Nationwide Recruitment: Bipolar Disorder Adult Research Study

Bipolar Disorder Genetics: A Collaborative Study

Individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder may be eligible to participate in a research study at the NIH Clinical Center. The purpose of this study is to identify genes that may contribute to the development of bipolar disorder (manic depression), and related conditions. Bipolar disorder is a common and potentially life-threatening mood disorder. The tendency to develop bipolar disorder can be inherited, but this is poorly understood and probably involves multiple genes. This study will use genetic markers to map and identify genes that contribute to bipolar disorder.

Families and individuals who have the disorder are asked to contribute personal information and a blood sample to an anonymous national database. This information will aid scientists around the world who are working together to develop better treatments for this serious mood disorder.

To find out more information, please call 1-866-644-4363 or email kazubad@mail.nih.gov.

National Institute of Mental Health, National Institutes of Health, Department of Health and Human Services

For more information on research conducted by the National Institute of Mental Health in Bethesda, MD click here http://patientinfo.nimh.nih.gov.”

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Overcoming anxiety by computer

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Computer

Internet.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Treating anxiety by Computer.

There is an interesting new study on an experimental treatment for anxiety using an interactive computer program. The study, done in Israel and partially funded and conducted by U. S. researchers looked at treating teenagers for anxiety using a new computerized treatment. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health diagnoses in America and approximately 25% of teens are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at some point in their teenage years.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is commonly used to treat anxiety disorders and has been shown to be especially successful at reducing anxiety symptoms. About 70% of the time CBT reduces or eliminates anxiety symptoms in children and teens. Unfortunately, CBT treatment is not available to all the teens that need it. Without therapy, the only alternatives are medications, which may have strong and permanent side effects or letting the child suffer untreated. Most adults who suffer from anxiety disorders first experienced the symptoms as children or teens but the symptoms when untreated or undertreated.

Why factors might explain why CBT helps only 70% of those who go for therapy? How can we explain that a computer program worked to treat anxiety disorders?

People with anxiety disorders unconsciously pay more attention to threatening things than non-anxious people. Paying attention to threats and having some anxiety is protective when you are in a dangerous situation. The problem for chronic anxiety sufferers is that they pay too much attention to threats in situations that are not that threatening. People with anxiety disorders have difficulty moving their focus from a potential threat to another non-threatening item.

Now this problem of focusing on the negative is not limited to anxiety provoking things. The same principle has turned out to be effective for treating chronic pain and depression. People with chronic pain are extra attuned to their pain. They tend to focus on the pain to the exclusion of everything else.

When people with chronic pain are taught to focus on other things, pleasant positive things and they learn techniques to shift their focus from the pain to something positive they report the pain is reduced or eliminated. When you are having fun you forget your pain if only for a moment. This ability to shift focus also may explain why laughter and jokes are also an effective treatment for reducing symptoms of many common mental health problems.

Reducing symptoms is not the same as a permanent cure. But not having anxiety or pain even for a while is a great thing. And the more the symptoms are reduced the more likely you will be able to live with your condition. Recovery from many conditions does not mean completely eliminating the problem. Recovery may mean for some people an improvement in their quality of life.

We have known that thinking has a huge impact on feelings for a very long time. People with a negative bias, they think everything about themselves, the world, and the future is bad, are more likely to be depressed.

So if you are anxious, depressed, or in a lot of pain and your current treatment is not helping, consider working on changing the things you focus on. Working with a good counselor or therapist can help you learn to shift focus. So can a good self-help book.  However, you learn the techniques you will need to practice shifting your focus from the negative problem-based view to the positive recovery and resiliency point of view. My thought is that the computer-based system helped people with excess anxiety because it included a lot of practice at changing their focus in a short period of time. Even without the computer program, the more you practice shifting your attention the better you can become about changing the way you look at things.

The full article on the computer based anxiety treatment experiment is available at the NIMH site.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/science-news/2012/computer-based-treatment-eases-anxiety-symptoms-in-children.shtml

Try this experiment, try shifting the things you pay attention to and see if your anxiety, pain, or depression shrinks. If you do this experiment leave a comment on this blog and let the rest of us know how it worked out.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

LPCC exam is behind me!

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Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

I passed! The LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor) gap exam is behind me. Yes, I have been licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist for some time, but becoming an LPCC has been on my “to-do list” ever since California began the process of licensing LPCC’s. So with one license why did I want another?

California is the last of the fifty states to license LPCC’s. Some states have other names for this specialty but the things we do, called scope of practice, are about the same. Social workers have been around for a long time, so have guidance counselors and psychiatrists. But the use of brief psychotherapy is a relatively new trend. Mostly this area began after WWII and really took off during the 1960s. To me, that seems like yesterday.

Professional counselors, in my opinion, are uniquely qualified to work on those immediate, day-to-day problems, like job loss, recovery from financial losses, and those other bumps on life’s road that can throw someone for a loop. I like being able to help someone decide what a happy life would look like for them and then develop a plan to create that life.

While doing all this happy life work, I need to remember that the relationship problems like partners and children are also among the things that can derail a life plan. Marriage and Family Therapists get to work on building good relationships with couples and families. That kind of relationship building and repair is important work also. So I am glad I took the LMFT training and have been privileged to work with so many families and children.  Being able to do both kinds of helping activities makes me really happy.

Thanks for letting me share about my exam pass. A few more weeks and the new license should be in my mailbox.

Sorry for the shortage of posts while I was studying for the exam. In the future, I want to write more about overcoming life’s challenges and designing the kind of life you want to live while maintaining a good set of relationships with the others in your life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Does drinking lite beer keep you from getting drunk?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Man drinking

Drinking beer.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Can you avoid alcohol problems by drinking lite and non-alcoholic beers?

The question of drinking lite beers and drinking so-called “non-alcoholic” beers comes up frequently. People who have had problems with alcohol in the past consider switching to these alternatives to reduce the risks. Does this work?

Personally and professionally I do not recommend an approach of limited alcohol consumption to anyone who has experienced a problem with their use of substances in the past. If you have had drunk driving arrests, been diagnosed with substance abuse or dependence, or have other psychiatric problems that are affected by alcohol consumption trying to solve the problem by changing to other alcoholic beverages is not likely to work. Why? There are two major problems with this approach.

Lite beers do not contain less alcohol.

The percentage of alcohol in a beer is usually set by state or local law. In California, for a long time, “beer” had to be under 4% alcohol. (I am not a lawyer and can’t tell you if this changed but the principle remains the same.) In other places, beer could have a higher alcohol content say 5% or 6%. Above that limit it can be sold, just the name changes and so does the tax rate.

I checked an online list of beers and their alcohol contents and they mostly ran in the 4% to 6% range. One popular beer Budweiser was listed as having 5% alcohol. Bud Light was listed as having 4.2%. So the difference is small and in places, with lower limits both would have the same amount of alcohol.

Lite beers have fewer calories not less alcohol. So you do not get as full and you can drink more. Whether you drink lite beers or regulars – after four or five you will be legally drunk.

Watch out for the dangers of binge drinking.

Drinking lite beers do not keep you sober! Only not drinking keeps the alcohol out of your system. Any alcohol consumption begins to change your thinking; the difference is how much it affects you not if it will affect you.

Even “nonalcoholic beers” can contain some alcohol.

The online chart I consulted lists “nonalcoholic” Beer as having four-tenths of a percent alcohol. So this should be safer. In my experience, it is not. After four or five “non-alcoholic” beers the minimal amounts begin to add up. The cumulative effect is a change in thinking.

For anyone with an alcohol use disorder, the danger here is that after drinking a number of “non-alcoholic” beers they will begin to reason that they can have one or two real ones without a problem.

As any real alcoholic will tell you “one is too many and a thousand is never enough.”

So if you have developed an alcohol problem or if you are taking a prescribed medication that tells you to avoid alcohol, my advice to you is – don’t fool yourself by trying to find ways to use alcohol safely.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Love triangles and threesomes

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Couple’s relationship with alcohol.
Photo courtesy of pixabay

Are you in a love triangle?

Those old love triangles are the stuff novels are made of and I expected to see a lot of them in the work I do as a Marriage and Family Therapist. Threesomes and triangles conjure up different images but the issues that turn up in the counseling session are very similar. One particular variety of this theme is especially common in my counseling practice.

The classic love triangle has love flowing around the outline but not back in the direction it came from. Usually, this is two people in a relationship when one decides they would prefer to be in another relationship. If they are married, or they have children this gets messy. The worst part of these affairs is when one partner wants out and the other wants to save the relationship. Often there are a lot of hurt feelings and when these relationships end there can be violence, depression, or self-harm. This is common but it is not the relationship with three parties I see most often.

The relationship that jumps to mind when we say threesome is more like three people involved in sex or a close love relationship presumably with the knowledge and consent of all the parties involved. I can’t tell you if this is a particularly common occurrence as I don’t do research on sexual practices but when it does lead someone to counseling, it is usually because it did not turn out to be all fun and games. When these relationships fall apart there are likely to be three or more hurt people. But this is far from the most common three-way relationship I see in counseling.

The most common threesome type relationship that drives clients to counseling involves two people, sex or sexual orientation doesn’t matter here.  What does matter is that one of the parties has introduced another love object into the relationship? That love object is far and away most likely to be some form of addiction.

Falling in love with a drug.

Sherry or Jack or Bud is likely to be a constant visitor in many a relationship. Men and woman will forsake their partners to be with Crystal or Crack. And members of both sexes are likely to fall head over heels for lady luck. Addictions of all sorts become a part of a couple’s love relationships on a very frequent basis.

Some partners try to compete with the addictions intrusion in the relationship. Clearly, over time the formerly loving partner becomes alienated by the new-found love interest. Who can compete with the wiles of Ethel-nol? As the struggle for attention increases, all sorts of family dysfunction become the norm.

Many a couple has thought that the way to tame an alluring addiction is to invite them into the relationship. Turn your partner’s new love addiction into a family affair and make it a threesome. This works for a while. Life is a party that seems to never end. An addiction, whether Crystal or lady luck, is a jealous mistress and eventually she takes over and turns the whole family into her servants.

Addiction stays to console the addict long after the family, loved ones; job, and health have abandoned the house. Many an addict has given up their house to stay with their addiction.

By the time the unwary couple calls the counselor seeking treatment both partners, the relationship, jobs, and children will have been destroyed.

When addiction has become a part of the love triangle the only cure is a full divorce from the addiction before all is destroyed. Unfortunately, by the time the addict, alcoholic, or gambler leaves their best friend, their addiction, the damage may have reached the irreversible point.

The moral of our tale is that when addiction is a part of a relationship there is not much left for anyone else. The earlier you seek treatment because you are in love with an addiction the better. If someone you love has fallen head over heels for an addiction insist they end this affair before everyone suffers.

Seek help early if addiction is a participant in your relationship.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why relationships fail – two large reasons

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Couple drinking

Couple’s relationship with alcohol.
Photo courtesy of pixabay

Two major causes are responsible for the majority of failed relationships.

Most of the research in this area has been done by Marriage or Couples Counselors but the results of these insights are applicable to other relationships, particularly the relationship between boss and employee. The major reason for relationship failure turns out not to be the thing we most expect.

Conflicted relationships fail and they often end early.

We expect couples who fight a lot to have a bad relationship and for the relationship to fail. That does happen – sometimes but not as often as you would think.

Relationships with lots of negativity, constant conflict are likely to end fairly soon. Gottman has done a lot of research in this area and he tells us that these relationships commonly end in the first seven years, with an average length of just over five years. These relationships are easy to spot lots of obvious arguing and fights. Sometimes there is violence. The police in every town know where these couples live.

After a few years of non-stop conflict these couples part. Often they are still angry with each other and they may have to make the exchanges of the children at a supervised site.

Sadly what often happens is both parties get into new relationships and they discover that the second or eighth time is no better than the first. Gottman tells us based on his research that almost 70% of fights are about things for which there is no solution. She likes green tea and he wants black or it could be religion, politics, or any other area of preference. Much less often a couple disagrees about something where they might be able to work out a solution that makes them both happy.

In other relationships, like jobs and friendships, people who have these kinds of conflicts quit jobs, get fired, or don’t stay around long. Sometimes they have an employment history of lots of short-term jobs. They may also have an arrest record for domestic violence or bar fights. They are also likely to have over-close friendships followed by a complete rupture of that relationship.

Getting into hugely negative conflicts is not the same as being assertive though some people confuse getting there way and giving in with being assertive or being victimized.

As dramatic as unrestrained conflict may be it is not the major reason that marriages fail. It is also not, in my experience, the reason productive employees leave companies or that long-term friendships end. There is a bigger cause of failed relationships.

Relationships without love, friendship, or caring take longer to fail but eventually these couples pull apart.

In these couples, there is nothing positive between them. They have no fun together and often prefer to live the majority of their lives apart. Now I know that there was a time that couples like this stayed together till death do them part, but that was a long time ago.

Couples in these kinds of relationships describe themselves as feeling “dead.” There is nothing that the couple has in common and eventually, the relationship ends. In the workplace, these relationships are devoid of positive regard for the other party. The only things the employee hears from the boss are the complaints and the errors. The only time the employee seeks out the boss is when they have a grievance. Neither may enjoy coming to work anymore. They forget to ever have anything positive to say about each other or about the goal their organization is pursuing.

So often couples start out the relationship describing themselves as best friends, somewhere along the way they forget that the best of friendships require work and they require shared experiences. These couples are especially prone to the “empty nest syndrome” or the “we only stayed together for the sake of the kids.” Eventually, the kids grow up and move out on their own and this couple is stuck with each other. Sometimes they are able to recreate a positive relationship but often there are no feelings left to build on.

These are not the couples who are content with each other and who are comfortable whether alone or together. They are the couples who hate to be together. There is always tension in the air if they are both in the same room but the discomfort never erupts into overt hostilities. In these relationships, neither partner makes an effort to consider the other and you will never see one comfort the other in times of pain. These are empty and uncaring couples.

So there you have it, two kinds of relationships that end on the rocks. The openly hostile violent relationships may end first but the hidden dislike eventually takes its toll. Just avoiding fights is not a solution to relationship failure. Creating more positive experiences together than negative ones is the safest route to keeping the relationship intact and healthy.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel