By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Self-improvement programs fail when you set wrong goals.
Another year, another bunch of resolutions, and by now most are headed for the same old failures. The reason most self-change programs fail – wrong, fuzzy, and poorly defined goals.
Most resolutions are made with little or no thought about where you are going and how you will get there. If this new you is not worth the trouble to plan, then it probably will not be worth the effort to take action, and next year, long about this time, you will be in the same place you are now.
What are the specific things you need to think about if you want your plan to succeed?
1. What is your goal?
Set the wrong goal and you end up at the wrong destination or you don’t get anywhere at all. Fuzzy goals lead you around in circles.
A common form of resolution this time of year goes something like:
I want to lose weight, exercise more, get in shape, and improve my health.
Some of these goals may conflict. One easy way to lose lots of weight is to get sick, physically, or mentally. Worry enough or get really depressed and you may stop eating. Good for weight loss but not for getting healthy.
Exercising more may result in that fat being converted to muscle. You will be healthier but may not lose any weight.
Improving your health may involve seeing a doctor, getting your flu shot, and a lot of preventative screening tests. Hard to do when you are starving yourself and running marathons. Severe calorie restriction and aggressive exercise may result in a hospital say, not really what you had in mind when you set your goals.
Second goal problems example.
You decide you want to be wealthier. For most people, this means wanting to be able to afford to buy the things that you or your family wants. So you work harder, take a second job, save some money and then you buy your kids that new video game console they wanted.
One problem – now you are broke again and you are working more hours than before. When most people say they wish they were wealthier what they really mean is they would like to be able to spend more. The wealthier goal self-destructs the closer you get to it.
To build real wealth you need to scale back your consumption and save. That is exactly the opposite of what most people mean when they say they want to be wealthier.
Getting really clear on your goals can improve your chances that this year’s resolutions have some chance of succeeding.
2. How big a priority is this goal?
Many people set goals that sound all nice but they are not really committed to getting there. If you would like to lose weight or get richer, as long as you do not have to actually work for that goal, there is little chance of you arriving there.
To make achieving a goal a reality it needs to be something that you want more than you want other things. Do you want that goal enough to give up time on the couch? Will you forego spending or eating something to reach that goal?
Just how committed are you to this thing and what difference will it really make in your life if you get there?
3. Is the goal consistent with your values?
You value time with family, especially those family get together dinners. That time with family is pretty inconsistent with working more, spending less, and improving your finances. Those entertaining times are also inconsistent with losing weight.
Despite these inconsistencies, lots of people will say they want things mostly because they would like the praise of others for getting to this goal even when that goal is in direct conflict with their personal values.
4. Can you see clear benefits in reaching this goal?
Some things are kind of nice to have but really getting them will not change much in your life. Unless you can picture yourself reaching this goal and visualize how your life will be better off for having made the sacrifices needed to get there, you are not likely to be motivated to do the work.
So consider now, as the first month of 2014 is well underway, what happened to those New Year’s resolutions? Did you get clear on what you wanted and how that is influenced by your values? Can you see this goal becoming a reality? And most of all is this change thing something you are doing for you or is it something you think you should do because of what others will think about you?
Are you one of the rare ones who decide to make a change and then does the work to get there? Maybe we will check back in about a year and see who has made a success of their change plans.
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
Nice work, really agree with point 3. Values are extremely important to our internal happiness!