About David Joel Miller

David Miller is a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Clinical Counselor, faculty member at a local college, certified trainer and writer.

Energetic.

Energetic.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“The world belongs to the energetic.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It would be a ridiculous and unwarranted presumption on our part if we imagined that we were more energetic or more intelligent than the men of the past—our material knowledge has increased, but not our intelligence.”

― C.G. Jung, Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Volume 5: Symbols of Transformation

“Having faith in God did not mean sitting back and doing nothing. It meant believing you would find success if you did your best honestly and energetically.”

― Ken Follett, The Pillars of the Earth

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.

Emotions and Feelings.

Inspiration

Disapproval

Disapproval.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“I try more and more to be myself, caring relatively little whether people approve or disapprove.”

― Vincent Van Gogh

“I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.”

― Mark Twain

“Few men are willing to brave the disapproval of their peers, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a world that yields most painfully to change.”

― Robert F. Kennedy

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.

Emotions and Feelings.

Inspiration

Envious

Envious.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

Do not feel envious of the happiness of those who live in a fool’s paradise, for only a fool will think that it is happiness.”

― Russell Bertrand

“Don’t envy what people have, emulate what they did to have it.”

― Tim Fargo

“As iron is eaten away by rust, so the envious are consumed by their own passion.”

― Antisthenes Pinto

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.

Emotions and Feelings.

Inspiration

What do you need?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

What you need?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

It’s important to know what you genuinely need.

Many people find it challenging to get clear about what they actually need. Making sure that your needs are being met is part of having a happy, contented life. Needs can come in all sizes, from the mandatory life-threatening needs for food and shelter to the transient ones like tickets to Friday’s concert. One way to improve your mental health is to get clear on what you need and find ways to prioritize those needs.

Learn the difference between wants and needs.

Have you ever thought, “I need a new car?” If the car you have isn’t running and you depend on it for getting to and from work and grocery shopping, then yes, you may genuinely need a new car. But be careful here. What you may need is to get the vehicle you have fixed.

On the other hand, if you’re telling yourself that you need a new car because yours is a whole year old and your neighbor just got a brand-new luxury model, the truth is that it is a want, not a need. Learning the difference between what you need and what you want can take a lot of stress off your life, particularly in the financial area.

Your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations help you determine your needs.

In deciding what you truly need, you must deal with three separate sources of information. It’s tempting to believe that whatever you think – that must be true. But the more you examine and test your thoughts, the more you may come to understand that just because you think it doesn’t make it true. It’s useful to continually re-examine your thoughts to determine if they are logical and if there’s evidence for that thought. A lot of people believe things simply because they would like them to be true.

Feelings can be a useful source of information. It’s dangerous to dismiss your feelings as unimportant. Nerve cells don’t exist solely in the brain. There are scattered throughout the body. They collect information about how the body is functioning, and they also send signals to the muscles and body parts, telling them to prepare for action.

If you’ve ever thought that someone is a pain in the neck, reach up and feel your neck muscles. Chances are they are tight. Does someone make you sick to your stomach? This is your nervous system telling you to beware of that person. Learn to use the information your feelings are giving you but don’t let them take over running your life. Sometimes your feelings are not helpful. Just because something scares you doesn’t mean it is dangerous.

Please don’t ignore your physical body. It is a source of information about what you really need. You will function better, both physically and emotionally, if you take good care of your body. Your body has many ways to tell you that you are hungry and need to eat. Just be sure you’re eating because the body needs fuel, not because you’re using food as a drug and becoming an emotional eater. Many people confuse thirst with hunger or even emotions. Drinking enough water to hydrate your body is a need. Listen to your body when it tells you that you need to sleep. Getting adequate rest will help you think more clearly and function more efficiently.

Allocate time for determining your needs.

Life can be overwhelming at times. We run from one problem to another, all the while hours, days, months, and years are slipping away. Periodically we need to take a break and examine the life we are living. Identifying what you need and don’t need in your life is an essential part of that periodic review. Are you doing a lot of things that are not benefiting your life?

Get clear on your values and whether your actions are helping you achieve goals consistent with those values. If you know what you need and want out of life, this can guide the way you will spend your time, your money, and your effort.

Do a daily review of your progress toward meeting your needs.

If your life hasn’t been meeting your needs, getting clear on those needs is only the first step. Next, each day you should be taking some action, however small, that is leading you in the direction of a fulfilled life. Doing a daily review just before going to bed can help you see whether your efforts are producing the results you want. After doing your daily review, make sure to forgive yourself for any shortcomings and decide that you’ll begin your efforts again tomorrow.

Ask yourself what you are grateful for.

If you only look at the things that are lacking in your life, you will get a very distorted picture. Painful and unpleasant things have a way of taking over our minds. Make sure you spend time paying attention to the positive things that happen. Ask yourself repeatedly, what are you grateful for? If you’re having trouble making up that list, talk with your support system or a professional. Often, we don’t notice the things we’re grateful for until we lose them. Practicing gratitude has positive mental health benefits that will help you through the tough times.

Ask yourself, what am I doing that I wish I could stop doing?

Have you ever said you needed to find more time to do things? The idea that you can find time is an illusion. Each week we have precisely one hundred and sixty-eight hours. There’s no way you’re going to find any more. The way you free up more time for the things that matter is to stop spending some of those hours on things that are not benefiting you. If you find it difficult to get your needs met, especially your self-care needs, a first step is eliminating all the things you’re doing that are not benefiting you.

Make friends with your feelings.

Learn to recognize when you are feeling something and what it is that you’re feeling. Learn your feeling’s names and remember that emotions come in intensities. Think of feelings as cues for action. You don’t have to let them control you, but you should learn to listen to what they’re telling you.

Pay attention to the things you’re telling yourself.

Self-talk is powerful. If you tell yourself negative statements, you undermine your efforts. Positive self-talk can be a powerful motivator. If you’re telling yourself that you can’t, then you won’t be able to. People who tell themselves that they can achieve more. When using self-talk, it is especially important not to lie to yourself. If your brain thinks you are lying, it will create failure.

Make self-assessment a regular habit.

You can’t figure out where to go unless you know where you’re at. At regular intervals, do a self-assessment. How have you been feeling, and what thoughts have been occupying your mind? How are you spending your time? You need to be patient with yourself. Change frequently happens gradually. But if you’re not moving in the right direction, you either need to change what you’re doing or change your goal.

Is the life you’re living meeting your needs? If not, what action will you take to get those needs met? If something in this post started you thinking, please leave a comment below or feel free to use the contact me form.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Disappointment

Disappointment.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

― H. Jackson Brown Jr., P.S. I Love You

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”

― Alexander Pope

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

― George Carlin

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.

Emotions and Feelings.

Inspiration

Seasonal OCD characteristics.

Anxious woman

Seasonal OCD?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

The seasons affect humans in a lot of different ways.

As the seasons change, their effects on humans change also. Most people are familiar with seasonal affective disorder, also known as the winter blues. While not all experts agree on the causes or significance of winter blues, if you’re one of those people who experience them, you’re probably convinced.

Changing weather also affects people in very predictable physical ways. You may suffer from seasonal allergies, and your mood may vary depending on whether you’re stuck inside, developing cabin fever, or spending more time outdoors in the sunshine.

What’s less known and less studied is the phenomenon of seasonal anxiety and seasonal increases in OCD symptoms.

People with OCD are especially sensitive to the seasons.

An article in Psychiatry Research titled. Seasonal mood changes in patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder looked at this connection.

Both depression and OCD appear to be connected to the levels of serotonin in the brain. The same treatments that are used for depression have also been used to treat OCD with varying results.

OCD is more likely to be prevalent in the fall.

People with OCD are more likely to experience symptoms during the cold winter months. The severity of the OCD compulsions is worse on the shorter days, and where there is less daylight. Seasonal changes in mood often co-occur with seasonal variations in OCD symptoms and intensity.

Changes in behavior as a result of seasonal changes are significant.

Both people with seasonal depression and an increase in seasonal OCD may see their symptoms get worse during the winter months. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the treatment for both should be the same.

For people with seasonal affective disorder or seasonal depressive symptoms, some of the behavioral changes that maintain their depressive symptoms can be treated by being more active. Walking or an increase in physical activity improves mood. Making a deliberate effort to stay connected to your support system can also help manage the symptoms of seasonal affective disorder.

Treatment for OCD is different from that for depression.

The behaviors that maintain OCD are the giving into the compulsions in performing the ritual. While some people have reported that medication is helpful, the overwhelming body of evidence tells us that the treatment of choice for OCD is Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy. Every time the person with OCD gives in to the urges to perform the ritual, they reinforce not only their symptoms but the disease.

The importance of relapse prevention.

An important part of treatment for substance use disorders is relapse prevention, and an important part of that relapse prevention is learning that cravings, no matter how severe they are, can be temporary. Giving in to those cravings even occasionally reinforces the addiction. People in recovery from addictions, both chemical and behavioral addictions, learn that if they can surf the urges, not giving in when the urges are high, eventually those urges dissipate.

Exposure and response prevention for OCD works similarly. Whenever you are exposed to an anxiety-provoking situation, and you can avoid doing your ritual, the symptoms of OCD will decline. In the early stages resisting those urges can be extremely difficult. Regardless of what time of year you experience OCD, know that the more you can resist those urges, and the more you learn to dismiss those unhelpful thoughts, the less your disorder can control you.

I’d love to hear from you.

If you suffer from seasonal disorders, whether it’s a seasonal increase in OCD symptoms, seasonal anxiety, or seasonal affective disorder, I’d appreciate hearing from you. Let me know how these seasonal disorders have affected you and what you have found that works. I’d also like to know what doesn’t work for treating your condition. You can either leave a comment below or use the contact me form. Getting through the winter season this year is likely to be even more difficult than past years, and sharing your experiences may help you and others.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Winning.

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

Winning at creative activities.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Today is the 1st day of NaNoWriMo, the National Novel Writing Month Contest. Winning doesn’t only apply to sports and wars, it can also apply to writing and the arts. Here are some quotes about winning in your artistic endeavors.

“Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work, one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.”

― Stephen King

“Being a writer is a very peculiar sort of a job: it’s always you versus a blank sheet of paper (or a blank screen) and quite often the blank piece of paper wins.”

― Neil Gaiman

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.

Emotions and Feelings.

Inspiration

National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) starts tomorrow.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Writer.

Man writing

Writing.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

NaNoWriMo is a way to grow as an author.

The National Novel Writing Month is a mixture of competition and un-competition. During this month aspiring authors attempt to write an entire novel, a novel of at least 50,000 words, during the 30 days of November. That works out to 1667 words per day average. Each participant is competing with themselves to see if they can take an idea and turn it into a finished novel in 30 days. In the spirit of un-competition, anyone who completes their novel is considered a “winner.”

My experiences with NaNoWriMo.

I first heard about NaNoWriMo about 2010. The following year, 2011, I made my first attempt. That ill-fated attempt stalled somewhere around 5000 words. The remnants of that manuscript still reside in the ancient recesses of my computer’s hard drive. While that particular story has not yet emerged into the light of day, the lessons learned put me on the path towards becoming a better writer.

For the next few years, life happened. Then in 2016, I took another try at completing a novel in the 30-day time span. This time I was able to complete the project. That book, initially with the working title “thrift store” took two more years to revise and edit before it was published in late 2017. That manuscript spurred by NaNoWriMo grew from the original 50,000 words to over 80,000 and the title shifted to Casino Robbery, my first published novel.

Because of that accomplishment, I pulled out another one of my partially finished novels and earlier this year that manuscript now revised, edited, and retitled, ended up being published as my second novel “Sasquatch.”

In November of 2017 during NaNoWriMo, I started and finished a novel with the working title “Family Secrets.” Over the next year “Family Secrets” has been revised and edited several times. In 2019, I published that novel using the title Dark Family Secrets:

How did I go about writing 50,000 words in one month?

One of the lessons NaNoWriMo has taught me was the importance of setting deadlines. I have many incomplete books, both fiction and nonfiction, stored away on the hard drive still not finished, some going back 20 years. None of them were ever completed because there was always a busy life and the next shining project getting in the way.

Once I learned to make meeting the deadline my highest priority, at least for that limited period, things started happening. This process has worked for me in writing the first draft, revising, and finally pushing the publish button. I could have drawn each of these tasks out over more time but having a deadline on my calendar forced me to finish a project so that I could check that one off my list, and I would be ready to start on another project next month.

October is my time for preparation for NaNoWriMo.

I didn’t want to cheat myself out of the full experience of writing a novel in 30 days. Not that anyone else would’ve known if I had jumped the gun and started writing early, but I would’ve known. So, I don’t begin to write until November 1. What I do allow myself to do before that date is preparation.

The three books that were finished during NaNoWriMo had some similar features. I thought about the general idea, started making some notes, and selected a working title knowing that title might change. I try to prepare an outline, though it is never in any fine detail. As ideas come for events, scenes if you will, I digitally jot them down. As the scene list grows, I rearrange the order.

When I start to write its very likely new ideas will occur to me, and they will get inserted in my list of events wherever they fit. I’m also likely to find that some of the things I initially thought would be separate scenes all get used in a single chapter.

Another thing I try to have planned before November first is a list of the characters, their names, and a brief description of them. If I’m using a specific location, I may do a little research and write some notes on that location. None of this advanced preparation is firm. Once November 1 arrives, everything is subject to change.

What happened in 2018?

The 2018 NaNoWriMo novel had the working title “Planning Accidents.” It was the second adventure for Arthur Mitchell, the protagonist from my first novel Casino Robbery. For the first time that year, I created a cover that I could use for the e-book edition of the book that ended up being “Planned Accidents” Since then I have completed two other novels.

So, what am I planning to write for NaNoWriMo this year?

I have two possibilities that I am outlining at the moment. I decided not to give you the working titles since I now know that the title will likely change in the process.

If you’ve ever thought about writing a novel, then NaNoWriMo this November, might be just the encouragement you need to get that first draft written. I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments about writing. If you have questions for me, please send them along. I’ll get back to everyone just as quickly as possible, though as you can see for the next month, I am likely to be extremely busy.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Happy Halloween!

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy Halloween.
Artwork courtesy of Canva.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Wanted to take this opportunity to wish all of you a happy Halloween.

Tomorrow starts the very busy month of November. While I don’t want to neglect my readers over the next month this blog will be largely on autopilot. November is the NaNoWriMo contest in which writers attempt to write a 50,000 word first draft of their novel during the 30 days of November. Several of my published novels began as NaNoWriMo contest entries.

Most of the posts for the month of November are already written and scheduled. So, these new posts will continue to appear throughout the month of November. As in the past, the blog posts will first appear at 2 AM Pacific Standard Time and the YouTube videos will become available at 1 AM Pacific Standard Time. For those of you in other time zones, you’re going to need to do the conversion math.

Periodically through the month, I will check back with all of you readers, so that I can answer questions as they come in. When December reaches us I will get back to you and let you know how the new novel is progressing.

Here’s hoping you have happy holidays and lots of other happy moments as we move through the fall season and into winter.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Surviving a relationship breakup.

Woman sitting alone

Alone after a breakup.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Breaking up is difficult.

Breakups can be extremely painful. Sometimes they are catalysts for growth, and for other people, they can have a destructive result. As a professional therapist, I encourage people to do all they can to fix a relationship before calling it quits.

If you’ve had several breakups or failed relationships, you may need to do some work on yourself before getting into another relationship. You may also want to look at why you picked this person in the first place. But once the breakup has happened, it’s time to take stock and move on. Here are some suggestions to help you survive that breakup experience.

Grieving your loss is the first step in recovering from a relationship that ended.

At the start of a relationship, people have high hopes and expectations. The breakup destroys those hopes. Even a lousy relationship requires grieving. Not necessarily for the partner you have left, but for the hopes and dreams that have perished. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself plenty of time for grieving.

Avoid assessing blame for the relationship failure.

Going on a blame trip can take you to a terrible place. It’s much more productive to accept that what happened has happened. Now is not the time to decide whose fault it was. Later, you may want to look at how you contributed to the relationship breakup and what you will do differently in the future. Avoid dwelling on all the negative emotions of blaming yourself or becoming angry with your ex.

To recover, try on some new people, places, and things.

People change when they enter relationships, and they change when they leave them. Many people who come to counseling after a breakup tell me they are trying to “find themselves.” One way to find yourself is to do some exploring. Have some new experiences. Don’t hang out with the people who will remind you of your ex. Spend some time with new people. Rather than going to the same restaurants and stores you and your ex went to, explore some new options. Now may be an excellent time to develop some new hobbies and interests.

Cut the cord, or you will go bouncing back.

Avoid the bungee cord approach to breakups. It’s tempting to call them just to see how they’re doing or to tell them about something you forgot to say. Don’t keep reinitiating contact. You might want to examine the reasons for the breakup. Frequent breakups and getting back together are characteristics of an extremely unhealthy relationship.

To get over an ex, stay busy with your own life.

After the breakup is no time to sit around moping, get back into life. Create an individual life and enjoy the process of being a single person again. Work on your self-improvement plan. Learn a new skill. Read that book or watch that movie you never had time for.

Make this a learning experience.

Learn from your experiences. For some people, this is a good time to see a counselor. Do you keep picking the same kinds of people only to have the relationships not work out? Were there things about your ex you should have spotted before he got into a committed relationship? Do you get into relationships overlooking your partner’s faults or expecting them to change?

Don’t use sex, drugs, or alcohol to numb the pain.

Avoid using things to change the way you feel. Drugs and alcohol may seem like a quick way to numb the pain, but they come with severe consequences. If you have ended a relationship, you don’t want to destroy yourself over it. Behavioral addictions like sex and gambling may also be tempting, but they all provide short-term boosts but long-term letdowns.

Don’t expect apologies or closure from your former partner.

Once you’ve broken up with someone, you are way past the apologies stage, hoping for or expecting an apology from your ex will only set you up for more pain. You won’t get closure by calling or writing your ex. Any closure you will get will come from you doing your own work and finding a new meaning and purpose for your life.

Engage your support system during the transition.

Everyone should have a support system. And it shouldn’t be restricted to just your significant other. Expecting one person to be your total support system requires more than that one person might be able to provide. After a breakup is a good time to re-examine your support system; who are the people that you can go to when you face challenges? Your support system should be a two-way connection. Your supporters are not just people you rely on. They should also be able to depend on you. After a breakup is a good time to renew contacts with family, friends, and professionals such as counselors and therapists.

Ask for the help you need.

Don’t try to do everything all by yourself. Reach out for the help you need. Help can come in all kinds of forms. You may need to take some time off from work. You may need some emotional support. Let your friends and support system know what it is that you need.

Have you had to survive a breakup? Please leave a comment and let us know if you used any of these tips or found anything else that helped you cope with the breakup.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

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