Category Archives: Self-Improvement

Are you satisfied with your life?

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Are you satisfied with your life?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you satisfied with your life?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Among the people I talk with daily, an almost universal characteristic is that they are unhappy with their lives. I realize some of that may be skewed because I work as a counselor and mental health therapist. When I’m not doing those things, I also work with a very limited number of clients, trying to coach them on creating a plan for life and achieving the goals they would like to achieve.

But if you’re one of those many people who aren’t happy with the life you’re living, now might be a good time to look at where you’re at and figure out how you’ll get where you want to be. For most people, life is a road trip to unexpected places, relationships, and events. But it’s a lot easier to get to the destination you’re headed for if you have a roadmap. The map doesn’t have to control your journey, but it can sure keep you from making wrong turns.

Consider creating a personal mission statement.

Successful businesses and many successful people start by creating a mission statement for themselves. I like the book “Start with Why,” in which Simon Sinek details the differences between businesses that began with a mission and purpose, their own specific why, and those that started with the how.

The how would be, “We’ll get to be the biggest by selling things cheaper.” Most of the time, businesses that take that approach discover they have zero profit margins and eventually begin to lose money as their competitors lower their prices to meet the new company’s low prices.

Companies with a mission statement detailing their “Why” do much better. If your goal is to make a product that is so inexpensive that anyone with a low income could afford to buy it and that your product would meet one of their basic needs, you have a great chance of being successful. Companies who envision simplifying technology so that market segments who have never used their product can quickly master it likewise know their why, which takes them a long way.

A personal mission statement guides your life journey.

Having a mission statement for your life keeps you on track. Your mission statement identifies the direction you’re going and how you’ll know when you’ve arrived at your destination. One way to help distill your many thoughts into a personal mission statement is to begin by writing your own obituary. What would you like people to say about you when you are gone.

How do you create a personal mission statement?

In this blog post, I will give you a brief overview of what you should consider in writing a personal mission statement and the process you might go through. In future blog posts, I’ll try to elaborate on these ideas. This process can take more or less time, depending on your objectives. If your life’s going well now, but you’re not accomplishing your goals as rapidly as you would like, you probably need to put in some detailed planning time. If you’re in the middle of a crisis, you’ll take some shortcuts and then come back and fill in the details as your life stabilizes.

Creating a personal mission statement is not a short-term process, but it is something you can do in bits and pieces and something you should continue to add to as you live your life. The things that will inform your mission statement are who you are and who you want to be.

Who you are involves taking a personal inventory. What are your good points, and what are your weaknesses. Self-appraisal points you in the direction of self-improvement. Who you want to be involves getting clear on your goals for life. Let’s look at a series of steps you can take to develop self-knowledge, get clear on your long-term goals, translate those long-term goals into short-term goals, and then develop action steps to take you and these directions.

You need to write your mission plan down.

Many people sit and think about their problems and the goals they would like to accomplish. Those great plans roll around in their head, but they never become concrete and actionable. Writing them down makes those things you have been thinking about real. Almost every self-help book I’ve read, and believe me, I’ve read a great many, include exercises where you write down the answers to the questions you’re asking yourself.

It’s also more effective if you have someone in your support system that you can talk with about this journey. Sometimes, that can be a friend, and sometimes that will be a professional. Be careful that your support system is large enough so that you don’t have to go to one person for everything. Trying to wade through all your problems and all your ambitions can overwhelm any one person.

For long-term plans, it helps to have an accountability partner, someone you tell about your plans and whom you will have to report to on how you are doing. Without this accountability partner, abandoning plans in the early stages is easy. Here are the steps we will discuss in more detail in upcoming blog posts.

Start your planning by getting to know yourself.

Self-knowledge is the key to any self-improvement or change process. Think about what is important to you. Is it money? Are you looking for success? Or are relationships more important to you?

Do you have traumatic or painful experiences? Part of your mission in life may be to heal from those traumas and avoid passing them down to another generation.

Do you have particular beliefs and principles? Any plan for accomplishing things must be consistent with your religious and spiritual beliefs and your value system. Spend some time thinking about what your core priorities are.

Identify your Strengths and Passions.

I relied on the viacharacter.org character strengths assessment when writing my mission statement. It turned out that creating a life that was consistent with my top five core strengths was a lot more satisfying than trying to be someone I wasn’t. I described that process in more detail in an earlier blog post.

Pay special attention to the times when your actions take you into the Flow State. When doing something meaningful and enjoyable, you will tend to lose all sense of time. If you work at something you love doing, you can enjoy yourself for the rest of your life, and they will pay you to do it.

Think about your many and varied relationships.

In developing a life plan, you will need to balance what you want with maintaining relationships with others. Think about what you want in the way of a romantic relationship and how you want to relate to your children. Consider whether you want to be the kind of boss or coworker that others respect. The end of your life will get very lonely if you reach your goals by sacrificing your relationships with friends and family.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What are character strengths and virtues?

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What are character strengths and virtues?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

What are character strengths and virtues?

The idea of character strengths and values comes from Peterson and Seligman’s book Character Strengths and Virtues, where I was first introduced to the concept of universal strengths and values.

They studied a wide variety of cultures, current and ancient, and concluded that twenty-four fundamental character strengths or virtues are valued by almost all cultures. There is an online test that you can take that will give you your rankings. I think there are several versions of this test, but the free one I use is found at viacharacter.org  A similar test is available on the Gallup Strength Finders website.

My take on this is that you may be high in all the virtues or low in all, but the most significant thing to look at is your top character strengths. I would recommend looking at the top five. You might also want to look at the bottom five, which are sometimes called underdeveloped strengths.

Here is a condensed list of their character strengths and virtues list.

The descriptions below are my rough paraphrases of my understanding of these characteristics. I hope I’ve gotten them close to the original concepts of Peterson and Seligman. Each of these 24 virtues includes several related words or ideas. For example, creativity, the first one below, would also include originality, ingenuity, and similar characteristics.

Creativity.

This might be artistic, but it might also be new and novel ways to put things together and to do things.

Curiosity.

The curious person likes exploring and discovering, finds new topics and subjects fascinating, and likes having new experiences just for the sake of experiencing something for its own sake.

Judgment.

The strength of judgment involves looking at things from all sides, weighing the evidence, and not jumping to conclusions. It includes an openness to changing your mind when new information is found. People who use the strength think things through and examine them carefully.

Love of Learning.

This is related to curiosity but goes beyond simple curiosity. It includes learning more about various topics and bodies of knowledge and mastering new skills. Some people do this in schools, and some people simply study many subjects on their own. People who love to learn continue to explore new fields of knowledge just for the joy of learning.

Perspective.

This involves being able to look at situations and facts from all sides. Someone with perspective may be good at giving others advice. People with perspective can make sense of the world for themselves and others.

Perseverance.

The characteristic of sticking to it or continuing on a course even when the going gets hard and overcoming obstacles. People with perseverance enjoy finishing what they started.

Honesty.

People who are high in honesty value genuineness and act in sincere ways. You can count on what they say to conform to the facts. They don’t try to slant information to make themselves look better; they can take responsibility for what they say, do, and feel.

Zest.

The character strength of Zest has been connected to living a long happy life. People with a zest for living approach everything they do with excitement and energy. They are either all in or all out, but not halfhearted. People with Zest feel alive and ready to go. Him

Love.

Love is one of the more challenging emotions or values to pin down. I think a lot of people confuse love with several other emotions. If you look at an old dictionary, there will be a whole page of definitions for the word love. The way the character strengths and virtues test applies the virtue of love is someone who values being close and having good relationships with others. They seek out reciprocal relationships where they can both give and receive love. Someone high in the characteristic of love prefers being close to other people.

Kindness.

This value goes beyond simply doing nice things for the less fortunate. It includes both favors and good deeds, helping others and non-possessive taking care of them.

Social Intelligence.

The way character strengths and virtues define social intelligence seems to parallel the concept of emotional intelligence. It’s the ability to understand both the feelings and the motives of others. It’s knowing what to do and not do to fit in with groups in social situations. I think a lot of people who define themselves as introverts, in fact, have social anxiety and avoid others because they don’t know what to do to fit into social situations. Developing more Social Intelligence can help you overcome natural feelings of shyness.

Teamwork.

Some people are real team players, and others are individualists. I think back to high school when some guys from the basketball, baseball, and water polo teams. Other people preferred track, wrestling, and other individual sports. There are advantages to working well as a member of a team and being loyal to your group. There’s also a place for individuality.

Fairness.

Fairness involves giving everyone a fair chance. We all have our own concepts of what’s there and what’s just. People who practice fairness try not to let their feelings bias their decisions about everyone else.

Leadership.

Many companies put their management staff through leadership training classes. The skill of leadership is much more than simply being the boss and telling people what to do. Leadership skills are not limited to rewards and punishments. The leader should use techniques to encourage the group and get members to cooperate in accomplishing their shared goals and purposes.

Forgiveness.

People who are high in forgiveness can let wrongdoing go and give people a second chance.

Humility.

Characterized by letting your work and accomplishments speak for themselves. Not thinking you are special or better than others.

Prudence.

Prudent people are careful about their choices and tend to be risk-avoidant. The kind of people who like to think things over so they don’t do something they’ll regret later.

Self-Regulation.

Self-regulated people are highly disciplined. They can control themselves, both their actions and their emotions.

Appreciation Of Beauty.

People with this virtue quickly notice and appreciate something that’s well-made. They enjoy beauty and appreciate people who are skilled in many areas.

Gratitude.

Gratitude is a virtue that is highly connected to good mental health. It involves noticing and appreciating the good things when they happen. Cultivating a practice of gratitude can help reduce excessive negativity. This trait includes giving thanks for the good things that happened to them.

Hope.

People who are high in hope can see the possibilities for the future and are willing to work to reach them. Hope counterbalances negativity. Having hope allows you to do work now in the present, expecting that there will be rewards in the future.

Humor.

Humor is the virtue of playfulness. People who are high in humor can laugh and play. They can tease and accept teasing. People who are high in humor make you smile.

Spirituality.

Spirituality is sometimes connected with religion, but it can exist apart from a specific faith. Spirituality can lead to finding your meaning and purpose in life and your place in the universe.

What were my top character strengths?

I was frankly a little surprised when I first took this test, but after closer analysis, all of my top five made a great deal of sense. Here are my top five with some personal comments.

  1. Love of learning.

Hardly a shock since I have been going to school now for over seventy years, either taking classes or teaching them, and just this year, 2024, I have completed yet another online extension class.

  1. Creativity.

That need for creativity might explain why I have written several blogs, published seven books, been a photographer, and have a YouTube channel.

  1. Curiosity.

I think this goes hand-in-hand with my love of learning. It also goes well with my work life. In working with clients, I am incredibly curious about their lives and how they are coping.

  1. Humor.

Definitely nothing funny about that. I take my humor very seriously.

  1. Zest.

I enjoy my life, and I’m constantly seeking out new challenges.

How about you?

What things are important to you in setting goals and planning your life? What are your top character strengths and virtues, and how are you using them to create a fulfilling, positive, happy life?

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Keeping your life in balance

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Keeping your life in balance.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Keeping your life in balance

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

There’s more to a balanced life than your work-life balance.

I read and hear a lot about people struggling to maintain a work-life balance. I know it’s getting increasingly difficult to have both. But when we look deeper, there’s a lot more that needs balancing than just work and personal life.

When I first started out in counseling, we were taught a model of a balanced life that is sometimes called the grapefruit or the pie of life. There are also scads of whole-person models. What they all have in common is the idea that your life is divided into segments or activities, and since the total number of hours each week is fixed, time or resources added to one segment must be taken away from another part of your life.

I think of this like those antique bicycles that had a limited number of spokes on the front wheel. You have probably seen pictures of bicycles with one huge front wheel and two smaller back wheels. If some of those spokes are longer than others, then you have a very bumpy ride. Life is like that. If one part of your life gets too much emphasis, all the other parts shrink, and your life becomes extremely unpleasant.

Here are some of the segments of your life that may need attention if you are to achieve a good life balance.

Financial relationships.

This includes work and your other sources of income, as well as how you relate to money. Some people are spenders, some are savers, and some manage their money. If you have a lot of debt, you may feel that money is managing you.

Work or other sources of income.

Most people either have a job or a partner who has a job. The idea that most people would prefer to be on welfare seems untrue to me. If you’ve ever needed public assistance, you might’ve found that the paperwork and the time you spend waiting for workers is more challenging than showing up for a job if you can find it.

Social relationships.

This segment of your pie of life includes family, friends, and your close sexual and romantic relationships. The topic of intimate relationships is too complicated to go into much detail here. The short part of this is that your relationships probably need more attention than they are getting.

Physical health.

Getting and staying healthy is a lifelong challenge. Diet, exercise, and medical care are all factors in how well you maintain your physical body. Having a chronic illness or disability affects every other part of your life.

Mental health.

How we measure and evaluate mental health has become increasingly complicated. There are over 400 recognized mental illnesses and 400 more “conditions for further study.” But those recognized conditions don’t begin to encompass all of the problems of living that so many people face each day.

Your emotional life.

Beyond the problem of mental health and mental illness are those emotional conditions that are not formal diagnoses of a mental illness but are significant challenges for many people. Anger is a common emotional issue that destroys families and friendships. Loneliness has recently been recognized as a problem that affects both mental and physical health. The impact of loneliness on physical health is as significant as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.

Religious or spiritual life aspects.

A lot of the popular accounts of religion are oversimplified to the point of being misleading. It’s easy to classify countries as either Christian or Muslim, but there’s ample evidence that Sunnis fight Shiites and Protestants have had wars with Catholics. Because of the almost infinite range of denominations and sects, it’s hard to understand the role religion may play in our society. Increasingly, we see people who say that they are spiritual but not religious. Regardless of how we classify all these things, it’s clear that humans need to believe there is something beyond our species that matters. Having some kind of connection to a higher power is an ingredient in a flourishing life.

The need for self-actualization.

Humans seem to inherently feel a drive or need for such things as creativity, meaning and purpose in their lives, mastery, knowledge, learning, and some level of control over their lives. These self-actualization values often get overlooked in the quest for the basics. When you’re struggling to find food, clothing, and shelter, it’s easy to forget that anything else might matter.

But we see plenty of cases in the world where people will do without food and water and work in adverse conditions through pain and suffering because they believe in a cause or value that they find more important than their own lives.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Overcome sadness by collecting special moments.

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Special Moment
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Overcome sadness by collecting special moments.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

The human brain has a negativity bias.

The human brain has a preference for remembering the negative and forgetting the positive. Whether that’s by design or the result of experience through millions of years of evolution, I will leave it to others to decide. But I can see how this negativity bias could benefit human survival and how it is causing a lot of pain and suffering today. Let me try to illustrate this with a couple of hypothetical stories.

Please hang with me to the end of these parables when I explain how you can overcome negativity bias and become a happier, more positive person by collecting special moments.

The story of the red berries.

Imagine, if you can, being a human living in the forest or jungle before the advent of electricity, refrigerators, canned goods, or any practical way to store food through the winter. You might’ve figured out how to dry certain seeds, but drying berries was very impractical.

One day, you’re walking through the jungle and find some bushes covered with bright red berries. You try a few, and they are tasty. So, you eat as many as you can. Imagine the time before the Industrial Revolution and modern civilization when humans typically went hungry through most of the winter. Hence, the preference in earlier times was for women with a little meat on their bones who might survive the lean times and be able to care for the children.

As an aside here, I read somewhere once that the human brain has twenty-two circuits to tell us we are hungry. When hungry, we get headaches, our stomach growls, we may feel weak, and so on. As I remember it, we only have eight circuits, which feedback to tell the brain we have had enough to eat. Hence, humans tend to continue to gain weight whenever food is available and only lose it when there is famine. Not a terribly adaptive quality in this modern industrial era.

The following day, you are walking again through the hypothetical jungle again. There’s no need to remember what the berries looked like because while they were tasty, you ate them all, and there are no more to be had. Hence, we tend to forget many positive experiences which may be challenging to repeat.

But, in our hypothetical tale, let’s say that you became violently ill, threw up those berries, and almost died. Can you see now why you might, having had a negative experience, remember those berries for the rest of your life? This negativity bias carries over into many other human activities where we remember one unpleasant event but forget large numbers of positive events.

What color were the flowers?

I was working at an agency that saw many children. Often, their parents showed up wanting to know how the child was doing. I noticed a definite negativity bias on the part of the parents toward the whole process. But I wasn’t quite sure how to overcome that bias.

One day, on my way to work, I noticed as I walked in the front door that the landscapers had replaced flowers in front of the building with some new plants that were in bright bloom. I hurried in and got to work, knowing the first family would be there to see the child in minutes.

Partway into the conversation, I realized that these parents could tell me everything the child did wrong, as well as what the teacher and the professionals were doing wrong, but had difficulty describing anything about the situation that was good or right. And then it struck me. I suffered from that same negativity bias. I had seen those brightly colored flowers when I came to work that morning, but now caught up in the problems of the day, I couldn’t remember what those flowers looked like or what color they were.

During my lunch hour, I went outside and looked at those flowers again. I spent anywhere from thirty seconds to several minutes examining each one. I discovered that thirty seconds of looking at something positive was the bare minimum for me to remember it later. And the longer I looked at a particular flowering plant, the more likely I was to remember it hours, days, even years later.

The way you overcome negativity bias is to pay more attention to the positive.

Whenever something good happens in your life, spend some time consciously looking at it, staring at it, and committing it to memory. So many of life’s special moments go by unnoticed. Become a collector of those special moments, and the whole nature of your life will become more positive and filled with special moments.

This technique is especially useful with children and partners.

One simple rule of parenting is to always “catch your child doing something right.” The more you notice the positive things your child does and compliment them on it, the more likely they are to repeat that behavior. When children are doing something you don’t like, ignoring it whenever possible is likely to extinguish the behavior. It’s worth noticing that some children who will only get attention when they do something wrong behave badly more often simply to get that extra attention.

If you want a happy, more satisfying life full of contentment, become a collector of special moments. Consider writing them down. The more attention you pay to the positive in life, the more you will realize that positive things are happening all around you every day. If only you would collect that positivity and save it up against the next rainy day.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

A New Year is Dawning.

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Inspiration for a new year     Post By David Joel Miller.

The New Year

New Year Dawning.

Happy New Year
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”

― Oprah Winfrey

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

― Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

Emotions and Feelings.                      Inspiration

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For these and my upcoming books, visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, Please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The four coordinates of self-discovery

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Self

Self-Discovery
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The four coordinates of self-discovery.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Your journey of self-discovery requires a map.

You will spend more time during your life with yourself than with any other person. So it makes sense to spend some of that time exploring yourself, who you are, and what life experiences made you think, feel, and behave the way you do.

One aspect of the self is your personality. It’s important to explore your personality and the life events that may have influenced your development of a sense of self. But the self is not an island. It’s more like a river that is constantly flowing downstream until it finally reaches the sea of destiny.

As you take the journey of self-exploration, there are four cardinal influences, like the four directions found on a map. These four factors influence how your personality develops from early childhood until late adulthood. Examining these factors can help show you where you are and what direction you should go in your effort at self-exploration.

Your relationships shape you.

Relationships are systemic influences. They will affect every other part of your life. The process of getting into and of leaving relationships changes you. By relationships here, I’m not restricting myself to your primary sexual relationship.

For good or bad, we have relationships with everyone we interact with. One of the most challenging relationships you’ll ever have to navigate will be your relationship with your exes. Romantic partners may come and go, but baby’s Mamas and daddies are forever. Even after you end a relationship, that time you spent with that other person leaves its mark on you.

One part of self-examination is to look at the relationships you’ve had, the friendships, the romantic relationships, and the people you met you decided you were better off without. Examine those relationships. Why were you attracted to this person? Was there a reason why you selected them for a friend? Or for a lover? Who you spend your time with and why tells you a lot about yourself.

Those bright shiny objects, meaning, purpose, and mastery.

Just like our attraction to people, we all have objects and activities that grab our attention. One of the most important things to discover about yourself is what gives your life meaning and purpose. Those important characteristics may be grand items like saving the planet are there might be many more personal ones like a collection of photographs of all the places on the planet you have visited.

One crucial human need that is often overlooked is the quest for mastery. Mastering something, no matter what it is, adds to your self-worth. When was the last time you took up a new hobby or practiced a new skill? Think about taking a class just for fun or picking up a new hobby.

Consider also what motivates you.

To understand what drives you get clear on your values. Be very careful about the mountains you choose to climb. A common calamity in life is getting to the top of whatever mountain you decided to climb and realizing you have been climbing the wrong peak.

More time and effort may result in more money in the bank, but it won’t be very satisfying if what you valued the most was the relationships with your partner and your children.

Significant life events can reshape your personality.

Who we are is massively impacted by the times we live in. Growing up during the Great Depression produced a very different group of people than those who grew up during World War Two. Even two people who lived through the same period in history may have experienced it in very different ways.

Consider whether you were in college during the Vietnam War or whether you joined the army and experienced that conflict firsthand. How is your life been altered because your parent or grandparent lived through one of these significant events?

The many aspects of the self.

One exercise I suggest to clients in my therapy practice is to write their autobiography. Start with the very first memory you have in life. Often this will be a picture from the time before you had the words to remember a story. Next, you should think about various events in your life you can reexamine them. Did something someone said to you in elementary school change your opinion of yourself?

As your work on your life review, examine the many roles you’ve played and how they have shaped who you are today. Many of the things that you do today automatically are the result of habits you developed early in life. Do you want to keep those habits? Would your life be better if you created a new habit to replace one of the old habits that are no longer working for you?

Look for one of those lists of 50 questions to ask someone on a first date. Go through the list and see how you would answer each of those questions. Charting where you are now and how you’ve gotten here can help you set a new direction for whichever way you want your life to go in the future.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

A New Year is Dawning.

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Inspiration for a new year     Post By David Joel Miller.

The New Year

New Year Dawning.

Happy New Year
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”

― Oprah Winfrey

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

― Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

Working on yourself

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Man working on himself.

Working on yourself.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Working on yourself

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

What exactly do we mean by “working on myself?”

One thing I commonly hear from clients is that they are taking some time to work on themselves. One of the hard things to define is exactly what they mean by working on themselves. This is the time of year when many people are making New Year’s resolutions or setting new life goals, and I thought it would be valuable to talk about some of the areas of yourself that may need working on and how you might go about doing that work.

Why might you want to pursue self-improvement?

Most people conclude that they are ready to work on themselves after a long period of pain or stagnation. Sometimes it’s the result of a traumatic event. Maybe you have been in a relationship that hasn’t been meeting your needs. Maybe that person you thought was your soul mate packed their things and left. Or perhaps you’ve been working at a job that isn’t meeting your needs. Possibly the pay is too low, or the work is hard and uninteresting.

The need to work on yourself frequently arises when there has been a change in your life. Moving into or out of a relationship changes us. Generally, it takes some effort to reestablish an equilibrium and find out who you are now that that relationship has ended. Rarely does someone return to being the same person they were before the relationship that just ended.

By relationship, I don’t just mean primary romantic or sexual relationships. Changing your job, moving from one place to another, adding a member to your family, or losing someone are all significant changes. The list could go on, but I hope you see that change often triggers the feeling that you need to work on yourself.

Self-change requires insight.

You will spend more time with yourself and with any other person in your life. Wherever you go on earth, when you wake up in the morning, you will be there. I can’t remember where I first heard those words of wisdom, but I do know that getting to know yourself and liking yourself is a starting point for creating the life you want to have.

Working on yourself means changing something.

People embarking on a self-change program may use a variety of terms to describe their objectives, but the primary areas you need to work on are your thinking, your feelings, and your behavior.

Maybe you have spent years trying to get someone else to change. At some point, you’ve reached your limit, and you know that for any change to happen, it needs to be you that makes that change. Once you’ve exhausted yourself with all your efforts to change other people, the only thing left is to start changing yourself.

Change involves new learning and new actions.

Humans are cognitive misers. When we are under stress, we typically resort to our usual way of behaving. I know that if I had to figure out which leg should touch the floor first when I get out of bed, I would probably still be in bed. Habits can be highly beneficial when they allow us to do a series of steps automatically and rapidly. If we have to think over each step in the process, we slow down.

Under stress, humans tend to revert to their characteristic patterns. This is why any new habit must be over-practiced until it becomes automatic. Unlearning old habits requires that same level of learning. You don’t simply stop doing the habit. The most efficient way to undo a bad habit is to replace it with a new positive habit.

Learning involves change at the cellular level.

The brain, the part in our head, and the nerve cells that run throughout our bodies become more efficient at doing things the more times they process the same signal. As we learn things, nerve cells create additional connections. Every thought you have, every feeling you feel, and every time you act, signals moving through your nerve cells create these events. You need to practice each new thought, feeling, or behavior until the changes you are trying to make become automatic. Today I will briefly describe three main changes that should be part of your self-improvement project.

Change your thinking.

As far back as the ancient Greeks, humans have known that the way circumstances affect people is more the result of the view they take of them than their circumstances. It’s possible to have extreme emotional suffering in a situation that, to outsiders, looks ideal. We also see people who live in extremely difficult circumstances but still maintain a positive attitude and report they have a meaningful life. How you interpret things largely creates how you feel about your life.

Make friends with your feelings.

Trying to ignore feelings is like trying to ignore messengers knocking at your door. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you get the message. But don’t shoot the messenger just because it’s bearing bad news. Instead, learn to accept feelings for what they are, sources of information. Then, use that information to identify either the thought that’s causing it or the behavior you need to take to alter your circumstances.

Change your behavior.

If you want more self-esteem, do more estimable things. If you want to be healthier, start by getting into action, whether that means eating a healthier diet or increasing your activity level. As your behavior changes, it will influence your feelings, and as your feelings change, they will change the way you think about your life and the world you live in.

Self-improvement also includes reassessing your relationships.

We tend to adopt the attitudes and behaviors of the people we spend a lot of time with. If you spend your days associating with negative, unhappy people, it’s much more difficult to maintain a positive attitude. Don’t be misled into thinking that if you changed your friends or your intimate relationship, then you would be happy. As you work on yourself and become emotionally healthier, you will attract healthier people into your life.

Pay attention to what you bring to relationships, not what you take away.

Most people have a lot more relationships than they realize. We even have relationships with people we were not in relationships with. Many of the clients I’ve worked with find that their most intimate relationships are with their drug of choice. If you are in love with Ethel, ethyl alcohol, or spend all your time with Mary Jane, marijuana, it’s hard to make room for romantic partners, children, or work.

If you keep getting into unhealthy relationships, re-examine what you’re bringing to those relationships. Do you seek out unhealthy people, so you don’t feel so bad about yourself? If all your partners have caused you pain, look at why you were attracted to people like that.

In future posts, I want to talk more about self-improvement and the process of change. Also, look at counseling and how that might fit into your process of working on yourself. Along the way, I will include a scattering of posts on how to create a life full of meaning and purpose.

Best wishes as we move into the new year.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For these and my upcoming books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

A New Year is Dawning.

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Inspiration for a new year     Post By David Joel Miller.

The New Year

New Year Dawning.

Happy New Year
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”

― Oprah Winfrey

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

― Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

Why is it so hard to treat yourself well?

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Taking care of yourself
Self-care. Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

If self-care is so important, why is it so hard to do?

Good self-care is hugely connected to good mental health. Learning stress reduction techniques can improve your mental health and reduce the risk of burning out. Despite all the documented benefits of self-compassion and self-care, many people continue to push themselves relentlessly. Learning to take good care of yourself and show yourself kindness is a significant part of a happy and productive life.

Were you taught to take care of yourself?

Early life experiences set up patterns for the rest of our lives. If the people who should’ve taken care of you treated you poorly, you learned to treat yourself that way. People who have experienced abuse or neglect may have or internalize the message that they didn’t deserve to be treated well. You may have been taught that suffering was a virtue, and you find it hard to embrace happiness.

Even families that provided love and adequate care may have given you the message that you weren’t good enough. Some parents seem to think that the way to get a child to do better is to point out all their faults. There’s a myth out there that praising a child will cause them to become conceited. But if no one praised you for anything, you did well, and everything you did wasn’t good enough. You may have internalized the message that you were not good enough.

Your danger detector is turned up too high.

If you’ve grown up poor or lived in a dangerous environment, you may be on constant alert. High levels of stress hormones keep all your danger detection circuits active. When you’re hypervigilant, on a constant lookout for what could go wrong, self-soothing and self-care don’t happen.

If you suffer from an anxiety disorder, you may feel guilty about self-care. People who have adopted the high anxiety lifestyle choose to worry about everything that could go wrong in the mistaken belief that this will keep them safe. They live in a constant state of high alert. Doing anything that might lower that anxiety may make you feel guilty or unsafe.

You are too busy surviving to notice you are running on empty.

Sometimes the day-to-day struggles become so overwhelming that taking time for self-care seems like a waste of time. When life is a struggle, self-care may be something you tell yourself you don’t have time for. You may be so busy listening to your inner critic that you haven’t had time to take stock of what you need. You may not have realized that self-care was an option.

Have you turned suffering into a virtue?

Some people are so used to believing that life must be full of suffering that as soon as life goes well, they start to feel guilty. Some people just can’t bear to stop working long enough to have fun. You may have internalized the attitude that self-compassion will make you soft and weak. Taking good care of yourself both mentally and physically is not being self-indulgent.

Practicing self-compassion can be scary.

Change is usually scary, even when that change moves us in the direction of better health. Caring about yourself may be a new feeling for you. If you weren’t taught self-compassion, or those around you didn’t demonstrate it to you, it may be hard to recognize. Self-compassion is a skill you can learn. Like all skills, you may not be perfect at first, but the more you practice self-compassion, the better your life will become.

Would now be a good time to start practicing self-compassion?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seems like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel