Friendly.

Friendly.

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

Friendly
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”

― Elbert Hubbard

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Emerson in His Journals

“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”

― Aristotle

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can prove useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.

Emotions and Feelings.

Inspiration

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Do you have friends who are fake friends?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Fake Friends?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com’

Some friendships are very conditional.

When things are going well, you’re likely to have many friends, but once things get tough, those friends disappear. When you’re throwing the party, they are there, when it comes time for the cleanup those friends have vanished. When your life is working, these friends want to be associated with you, but when times get hard, they moved on.

One article I read described these folks as “Clear weather friends.” When life is sunny, you see this person, but the first raindrop washes them away. There are many names for these people, fake friends, pretend friends, Fairweather friends, clear weather friends, unreliable friends. Underneath all their pretensions they want something from you, but they’re not willing to reciprocate.

It’s tempting to put up with these fair-weather friends thinking that without them they would have no friends. When you feel lonely, you may be tempted to settle for fair weather friends. The worst form of loneliness is caused by poor quality relationships rather than by having too few relationships. So how can you spot these fair-weather friends?

Fairweather friends are never wrong.

Their motto is “I’m right; everyone should be able to see that.” If you’re afraid to disagree with them for fear of losing a friend, that’s a fake friend. When they let you know that you must always agree with them to keep their friendship, what you have is a fake friend, not a BFF.

When problems arise, you can’t tell Fairweather friends.

Fake friends expect you to listen to all their problems, but when your troubles come they don’t want to hear about. They especially don’t want to hear when you have a problem with them. While they expect you to be empathetic toward their issues when you talk about your difficulties, their answer is, “you need to get over it.”

With Fairweather friend’s criticism is a one-way St.

Fairweather friends feel free to criticize you. They may preface the comments with the statement “I’m just being honest.” But their honesty always consists of telling you what’s wrong with you. They have no problem pointing out your every flaw. What a fake friend can’t take is anything remotely like you criticizing them.

You must always agree with fake friends.

Fake friends will tell you that “If you disagree with me about that there’s something wrong with you. I write, I know I’m right.” Rather than sympathy and understanding when challenged, they always attack. With Fairweather friends, it’s not possible to agree to disagree. They will always insist on being right and on your agreeing with as a condition of keeping their friendship.

Fake friends enjoy criticizing you.

Fairweather friends enjoy telling you what’s wrong with you. Rather than building you up, they tear you down to make themselves feel better. If you have a friend, and every time you’re with them, you come away from that visit feeling worse than when it started, good chance you’ve identified a pretend friend.

Fake friends are not empathetic.

Fairweather friends don’t want to hear about how you feel. How you feel is not important to them. They may even tell you that you shouldn’t feel that way. When you’re upset, you’re likely to hear, “Stop being so emotional.” They dismiss your feelings. But these Fairweather friends have no problem burdening you with their miseries. When it comes to conflicts, fair-weather friends will tell you, “If it upsets you, it is your problem.”

Why don’t you believe me, if I said it then it’s true?

Fake friends have the belief that if they say something, that makes it true. They expect you to believe what they say even when all the evidence contradicts their statement. They like to say, “Why don’t you believe me, would I lie to you?”

I don’t want to talk about it.

Pretend friends avoid discussing difficult topics. When problems arise in the friendship, they want to sweep everything under the rug and pretend it’s all your fault. Lack of openness is a characteristic of fake friends.

You will find related posts under – friends, Relationships, and Loneliness.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Four David Joel Miller Books are available now!

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

SasquatchWandering through a hole in time, they encounter Sasquatch. Can they survive?

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Books are now available on Amazon.

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Want the latest on news from recoveryland, the field of counseling, my writing projects, speaking, and teaching? Please sign up for my newsletter at – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter.

Friends.

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

Friends.

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

― Mark Twain

“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.”

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson, Emerson in His Journals

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Ending family feuds.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Family fighting.

Family Feuds.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Don’t let family disagreements damage your mental health.

Families can be a great support, or they can be a great problem.  Don’t let family feuds and disagreements be something that damages your mental health.  Regardless of what someone else may have done, there are ways that you can stop participating in the problems. While you can’t change other people most of the time, you can change the way you handled the situation. Here are some ways to reduce the impact family feuds may have on you.

Accept them for who they are.

Lots of family conflicts are about trying to get someone to be something they’re not.  There are going to be lots of people in your life who will never be exactly the way you wish they would be.  One way to preserve your mental health around other people is to simply accept them the way they are.

You may not like where they live or who they are in a relationship with. If you don’t like their partner or their house, remember that it’s not you that has to live in that situation. Sometimes family members have some very unhealthy friends. We may wish they didn’t have those friends but constantly arguing about it drives them away and back to those friends. Sometimes we just have to be patient until people in our lives are ready to change. Sometimes, as we get older, we find that it’s us that is changing.

They don’t owe it to you to do what you want them to.

Having expectations for family members and friends sets you up for disappointment.  What may seem clear and reasonable to you may be something they don’t want to do.  Keep in mind that just because you want it does not mean that they owe it to you.

Lots of families have been torn apart because parents had expectations of what their children should become or do with their lives. You may think they would make a great lawyer but if they have no interest in the law pushing them there will make both of you unhappy. Some people have great talent but what’s important to them is their hobbies and their leisure. You need to allow others to have the space to live the life they choose.

Remember it hurts more because they are family.

When a family member hurts you, it is likely to be a lot more painful than if a stranger did the same thing.  We may not expect much from someone outside our family.  Because of the higher expectations, we have for family, when they let us down is even more painful.

Be very careful that you don’t fall into the trap the because they made one mistake or did one thing you didn’t agree with you cut them off forever. Sometimes improving your self-esteem begins by cutting others some slack.

Don’t expect them to change because you insist on it.

A lot of family disagreements are because one person wants another person to change in a particular way.  Just because you want it, doesn’t mean they owe it to you. Sometimes you must set boundaries. If your family member does drugs, you may need to keep them out of your house or avoid lending the money.

What you shouldn’t do is hold that period when they used drugs, against them for the light rest of their lives. Don’t hold onto the resentment because someone had to try a different path than the one you would’ve picked for them.

Accept them for who they are.

If you want them to accept you the way you are, then you should offer them that same acceptance. People shouldn’t have to say, do, or be any particular way for you to accept them. Learn the difference between accepting people and insisting that they think can be the way you want them to.

They are typical of other difficult people you will have to deal with.

The world is full of difficult people.  Sometimes we have difficult family members.  Keep in mind that you will have to deal with difficult people in your life.  Some of those difficult people will be relatives.

Sometimes the thing that makes others so difficult to deal with is our insistence on arguing with them about things. Give yourself and them the gift of allowing others to sometimes be wrong without you needing to point it out to them.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Two David Joel Miller Books are available now!

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

Want the latest on news from recoveryland, the field of counseling, my writing projects, speaking and teaching? Please sign up for my newsletter at – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.

9 Ways to make new friends.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

group of friends.

Friendship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Getting good at making new friends.

Many people find that it’s very hard for them to make friends.  Very few people tell me that they have too many friends.  Making friends is a skill and like any other skill you can learn or improve your ability to do this.  If you have ever thought that you would like to have more friends take a look at the list below of ways to improve your friend making skills.

1.  Friends are made around shared activities.

Want friends, you need to get out there. Most friends in life are the result of things that you do with others.  People make friends and schools from kindergarten all the way through graduate school.  Sometimes we make friends at work.  The who join a club or have a hobby often make friends as a result.  If you decide that you would like to have more friends than the first step is to get out there and be in places where you will meet people who might become friends.

2.  Introduce yourself if you want to make friends.

If you want to make friends don’t hold back waiting for others to approach you.  The fastest way to break the ice and create friendship opportunities is to be the one that puts your hand out and introduces yourself.  Remember there may be other people there who would like to find new friends also.  They’re waiting for you to be the one to make the first move.

3.  Asking people about themselves starts friendly conversations.

Most people’s favorite topic is themselves.  One really quick way to get a conversation started is to ask someone about themselves.  Try to avoid overly personal questions.  Ask simple and easy questions that might get the conversation rolling.  Good conversations develop and strengthen friendships.

4.  Give others sincere compliments.

Make it a point to give sincere compliments when you see someone or something that you like.  Avoid overly sugary and insincere sounding compliments.  Letting someone know that you like are appreciate what they have done is a great way to open up a conversation.  Don’t be stingy with sincere compliments.  Develop a reputation as someone who appreciates what others do for them.

5.  Hear them out to create friendships.

Make it a point to listen to what the other person is saying.  Make sure they’ve finished their statement before you interrupt and begin to comment.  People who are good communicators develop friendships.  The key to the art of communication is to understand what the other person is saying, not to force them to understand what you mean.

6.  Get clarification.  Don’t assume you know what they are talking about.

In any kind of conversation, it’s very important to be sure you accurately understand what the other person is saying.  Ask for clarification.  Sometimes it helps to summarize what they are saying.  Pay special attention to the feelings behind the facts.  Knowing why someone feels what they feel will help you to understand them as a person.

7.  Ask potential friends about their opinion.

In the beginning of a relationship, it is more important to ask other people about their opinion that it is to express yours.  Find out what this other person thinks about things.  This will help you decide if this is someone you want in your life or someone who you should avoid.

8.  Stay in contact to strengthen friendships.

When you meet someone you think is a potential friend don’t let it end with that first meeting.  Make an extra effort to get their phone number or other contact information.  Find a reason to make a second contact.  Look for other opportunities to do something together again.  It takes repeated contact to turn an acquaintance into a friend.

9.  Give as much as you take to maintain a friendship.

In the beginning of new friendships, it is important that they be reciprocal.  Make sure to avoid relationships with people who may be out to use you.  Be careful about pursuing friendships when you’re only desire is to get something from that other person.  The best friendships are ones where you would feel comfortable doing for them and expect that they would do the same for you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Two David Joel Miller Books are available now!

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

Want the latest on news from recoveryland, the field of counseling, my writing projects, speaking and teaching? Please sign up for my newsletter at – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.

14 Ways to Become Your Own Best Friend.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Best friend.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Start healing by becoming your own best friend.

Don’t like yourself, start by becoming your own best friend.  If you are plagued by low self-esteem, one of the things you need to do is become your own best friend.  Many people say that they are not able to love themselves.  You will spend more time with yourself than with any other person on earth.  Work on getting to like yourself.  Think about the things that you do with friends and how those relationships develop over time.  Start feeling better about yourself by becoming your own best friend.  Here are 14 ways to become your own best friend and improve your self-esteem.

1. Don’t beat yourself up.

It’s OK to make mistakes.  Mistakes are improvement opportunities.  Think about how you act with a friend.  If you consistently criticize them and put them down you’re not likely to maintain that friendship.  Make sure you’re not beating yourself up.  It’s OK to make mistakes.  The only people who don’t make mistakes are people who never try to do anything.

2. Don’t insist on perfection.

We don’t expect our friends to be perfect.  You shouldn’t expect to be perfect yourself.  Some tasks may require your very best effort, but many other things in life simply need to be good enough.  Be gentle with yourself and embrace you, flaws and all.

3. Celebrate your successes.

Make sure to stop and recognize the things that you have done well.  Give yourself a round of applause when you succeed at something.  Not recognizing your successes will make the next effort that much harder.

4. Nurture yourself.

You can’t make a plant grow by beating it.  You don’t develop friendships by being harsh and critical.  Develop the relationship with yourself by taking good care of you.  Look for ways in which you can be kind and gentle to yourself.

5. Enjoy being with you.

Being alone should not mean being lonely.  When life gets hectic we often wish we could take a break.  When you do get that break from other people learn to savor and enjoy it.  That alone time should be a time to rest and recoup.

6. Make “you time” an adventure.

In the early stages of developing a friendship, we do a lot of new, novel things with that potential friend.  To nurture the friendship that you have with yourself make sure that you do innovative things.  Make your time with you exciting.

7. Want the best for yourself.

Learn to picture what a perfect life would look like.  Want that best of all possible lives for yourself?  Practice believing that you deserve the best in life.  Best does not necessarily mean the most expensive or the latest fashion.  It does mean that you want those things that will make you truly happy.  Don’t settle for a second-rate life.  Focus your efforts on creating the life of your dreams.

8. Stop judging yourself.

You don’t need to judge yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to judge you.  When you have a good friend you accept them just the way they are even when you know their faults.  Do the same for yourself.  However, you are is perfectly OK.  Accept yourself just the way you are.

9. Let things go.

Holding onto the past keeps you stuck in the pain.  Keep your eyes on the present and the future.  Avoid rehashing old injuries.  Let bygones be bygones.  The less baggage that you have to carry from your past the more you can live in the present.

10. Surround yourself with things that make you happy.

Make the place that you spend the bulk of your time your place.  Have a few little mementos that will make you smile close by.  The isn’t time or space in your life the things that don’t add to your happiness.

11. Please yourself.

Make sure that you are living your life to please you.  A life that is lived trying to please others often pleases no one.  In friendships, we often do things because we know it will make our friends happy.  Do those little things to make yourself happy.

12. Live in the now, plan for the future.

Good friends don’t spend a lot of time rehashing the difficulties from the past.  They enjoy the present and look forward to the things they will do together in the future.  As your own best friend spend the bulk of your time looking forward to what you want to do in the future.

13. Can the negativity.

It’s not much fun being around a friend who is constantly negative.  To be happier cut the negative people out of your life.  To be happier with yourself cut out the negativity that is coming from you.

14. Embrace your differences.

We know our friends are different and we liked them because of those differences.  Learn to celebrate the ways in which you are different from others.  Stop wishing you were just like everyone else.  Improve the things you can, accept the things you can’t.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Two David Joel Miller Books are available now!

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

Want the latest on news from recoveryland, the field of counseling, my writing projects, speaking and teaching? Please sign up for my newsletter at – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.

Friendship.

Sunday Inspiration.          Post by David Joel Miller.

Friendship.

Friendship

Friendship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.”

― Robert Louis Stevenson

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”

― Elbert Hubbard

“Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

― Abraham Lincoln

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.