Tag Archives: Breaking bad habits

Working on yourself

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Man working on himself.

Working on yourself.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Working on yourself

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

What exactly do we mean by “working on myself?”

One thing I commonly hear from clients is that they are taking some time to work on themselves. One of the hard things to define is exactly what they mean by working on themselves. This is the time of year when many people are making New Year’s resolutions or setting new life goals, and I thought it would be valuable to talk about some of the areas of yourself that may need working on and how you might go about doing that work.

Why might you want to pursue self-improvement?

Most people conclude that they are ready to work on themselves after a long period of pain or stagnation. Sometimes it’s the result of a traumatic event. Maybe you have been in a relationship that hasn’t been meeting your needs. Maybe that person you thought was your soul mate packed their things and left. Or perhaps you’ve been working at a job that isn’t meeting your needs. Possibly the pay is too low, or the work is hard and uninteresting.

The need to work on yourself frequently arises when there has been a change in your life. Moving into or out of a relationship changes us. Generally, it takes some effort to reestablish an equilibrium and find out who you are now that that relationship has ended. Rarely does someone return to being the same person they were before the relationship that just ended.

By relationship, I don’t just mean primary romantic or sexual relationships. Changing your job, moving from one place to another, adding a member to your family, or losing someone are all significant changes. The list could go on, but I hope you see that change often triggers the feeling that you need to work on yourself.

Self-change requires insight.

You will spend more time with yourself and with any other person in your life. Wherever you go on earth, when you wake up in the morning, you will be there. I can’t remember where I first heard those words of wisdom, but I do know that getting to know yourself and liking yourself is a starting point for creating the life you want to have.

Working on yourself means changing something.

People embarking on a self-change program may use a variety of terms to describe their objectives, but the primary areas you need to work on are your thinking, your feelings, and your behavior.

Maybe you have spent years trying to get someone else to change. At some point, you’ve reached your limit, and you know that for any change to happen, it needs to be you that makes that change. Once you’ve exhausted yourself with all your efforts to change other people, the only thing left is to start changing yourself.

Change involves new learning and new actions.

Humans are cognitive misers. When we are under stress, we typically resort to our usual way of behaving. I know that if I had to figure out which leg should touch the floor first when I get out of bed, I would probably still be in bed. Habits can be highly beneficial when they allow us to do a series of steps automatically and rapidly. If we have to think over each step in the process, we slow down.

Under stress, humans tend to revert to their characteristic patterns. This is why any new habit must be over-practiced until it becomes automatic. Unlearning old habits requires that same level of learning. You don’t simply stop doing the habit. The most efficient way to undo a bad habit is to replace it with a new positive habit.

Learning involves change at the cellular level.

The brain, the part in our head, and the nerve cells that run throughout our bodies become more efficient at doing things the more times they process the same signal. As we learn things, nerve cells create additional connections. Every thought you have, every feeling you feel, and every time you act, signals moving through your nerve cells create these events. You need to practice each new thought, feeling, or behavior until the changes you are trying to make become automatic. Today I will briefly describe three main changes that should be part of your self-improvement project.

Change your thinking.

As far back as the ancient Greeks, humans have known that the way circumstances affect people is more the result of the view they take of them than their circumstances. It’s possible to have extreme emotional suffering in a situation that, to outsiders, looks ideal. We also see people who live in extremely difficult circumstances but still maintain a positive attitude and report they have a meaningful life. How you interpret things largely creates how you feel about your life.

Make friends with your feelings.

Trying to ignore feelings is like trying to ignore messengers knocking at your door. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you get the message. But don’t shoot the messenger just because it’s bearing bad news. Instead, learn to accept feelings for what they are, sources of information. Then, use that information to identify either the thought that’s causing it or the behavior you need to take to alter your circumstances.

Change your behavior.

If you want more self-esteem, do more estimable things. If you want to be healthier, start by getting into action, whether that means eating a healthier diet or increasing your activity level. As your behavior changes, it will influence your feelings, and as your feelings change, they will change the way you think about your life and the world you live in.

Self-improvement also includes reassessing your relationships.

We tend to adopt the attitudes and behaviors of the people we spend a lot of time with. If you spend your days associating with negative, unhappy people, it’s much more difficult to maintain a positive attitude. Don’t be misled into thinking that if you changed your friends or your intimate relationship, then you would be happy. As you work on yourself and become emotionally healthier, you will attract healthier people into your life.

Pay attention to what you bring to relationships, not what you take away.

Most people have a lot more relationships than they realize. We even have relationships with people we were not in relationships with. Many of the clients I’ve worked with find that their most intimate relationships are with their drug of choice. If you are in love with Ethel, ethyl alcohol, or spend all your time with Mary Jane, marijuana, it’s hard to make room for romantic partners, children, or work.

If you keep getting into unhealthy relationships, re-examine what you’re bringing to those relationships. Do you seek out unhealthy people, so you don’t feel so bad about yourself? If all your partners have caused you pain, look at why you were attracted to people like that.

In future posts, I want to talk more about self-improvement and the process of change. Also, look at counseling and how that might fit into your process of working on yourself. Along the way, I will include a scattering of posts on how to create a life full of meaning and purpose.

Best wishes as we move into the new year.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

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For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For these and my upcoming books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How do you break a bad habit?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Breaking Bad Habits.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you have some bad habits you’d like to stop?

Many people have behaviors they would call a “bad habit,” they say they would like to stop. Habits by their very nature are things we do automatically, without thought, which makes them extra challenging to stop. Psychologists have studied habits, how to create them, and how to break them. There are some things you need to consider if you want to change a habit.

You have been doing the things that have become a habit for a long time. In the early stages of habit formation, it may not take long for something to become a new habit. If a fast-food restaurant gets you to come in for three visits in a row you will probably be a regular customer. Breaking that habit will probably take a lot longer. Highly reinforcing habits such as drugs and alcohol will require even more effort to end.

Is this habit something you can really stop?

There’s a difference between changing a habit that you need and want you don’t need. Many people would like to stop overeating or reduce the amount of food they eat. Humans must eat some food so the techniques you would use to reduce the amount of food you’re eating, would be very different from the methods you would use to end a bad habit such as drug use, that needs to be stopped completely.

Do you really want to stop this “bad habit?”

I’ve mentioned more than once that my purchasing of books has become a bad habit. I buy a lot of books. Sometimes more than I can read. I also download quite a few free Kindle e-books. While I say I need to stop accumulating books faster than I can read them, this is not a habit I especially want to break. It’s easy for me to excuse this habit on the grounds that I’m an author with at least six publish books, and if I’m going to write books, I need to read a great many also. I don’t actually want to stop this habit.

Many of the clients I work with, in my therapy practice, have bad habits such as drug use, which they want to stop completely. The techniques you use for ending a bad habit altogether, are different from the methods you use if you’re only trying to keep your habit from getting out of control.

What techniques can be used to end a bad habit?

First, let’s look at the ways to end a bad habit you want to eliminate entirely. Second, we will look at some techniques for modifying “bad habits” you want to reduce or control. Lastly, let’s look at some methods that might be useful regardless of whether you want to stop altogether or want to reduce the time and money you spend on the “bad habit.”

Eliminate cues that remind you to engage in this bad habit.

Most habits have cues that automatically trigger a response. Your phone rings and you reach and answer it. It’s hard to ignore that ringing phone even when you want to do something else. Turning off the ringing sound may help you avoid answering it when you need to focus on something else. Reducing or eliminating cues is an essential step in ending a bad habit.

People in substance abuse recovery are encouraged to get rid of drugs, alcohol, and any paraphernalia they might use. For recovering alcoholic, that means getting rid of your collection of beer-themed decorations or your collection of shot glasses. People use other drugs should get rid of things like pipes.

Avoid places you used to go to engage in this bad habit.

For an alcoholic stopping at the liquor store, even to pick up a gallon of milk, or some bread is a risky behavior. Hanging out in the bar, even if it’s only to play pool is likely to trigger urges to drink. Hanging out with people who drink or use drugs is also a risky behavior. Seeing them engage in the action you’re trying to stop is likely to cue intense cravings.

How might you alter a habit you don’t want to end completely?

Here are some suggestions for modifying a habit when you don’t want to end completely. Psychologists have suggested these for things such as eating less or not drinking as much.

To eat less, reduce the amount available.

Serving food on smaller plates can help you cut down on how much you consume. Using smaller size glasses can reduce the volume of fluids you drink. Purchasing things like chocolate in smaller container sizes can reduce your consumption. Limiting the amount of food or beverages you consume by using smaller containers will only work if you don’t make repeated trips back to refill.

Use your nondominant hand for eating or drinking.

Using your nondominant hand slows down the eating or drinking process. People who ate popcorn with their nondominant hand ate smaller amounts, especially when the popcorn was stale. Changing how you do something, slows the process down, and may result in doing less of it.

Driving the “mindbus” can help you ignore automatic thoughts.

Sometimes it feels as if they’re a bunch of voices in your head urging you to do things you don’t want to do. I’m not talking about the voices that people with a serious mental illness experience. When you have those automatic thoughts telling you to do things you know, they are thoughts coming from your own brain. But when your mind is telling you that you need some more chocolate or another drink, it’s hard to ignore those automatic thoughts.

In the mindbus technique, you picture yourself as the driver of a bus taking yourself somewhere you want to go. All those loud voices in your head that are trying to distract you are the passengers on your bus. Ignore the noisy urges clamoring for you to turn the bus and take it in a different direction and stick to the route you have selected.

Substitute a positive behavior for a negative one.

If you have urges to eat some more chocolate, select a carrot or other fruit instead. Instead of heading to the bar go to an AA meeting or religious service. Rather than eat mindlessly go for a walk or do another exercise. By substituting positive behaviors for negative behaviors, you reduce your bad habits and improve the quality of your life.

What bad habits do you want to modify or end altogether?

For more on this topic, you might want to check out the British Psychological Society podcast on Breaking Bad Habits.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Who broke you? Socialization and difficult children

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Feral cat.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

As a baby did someone have to “break you?”

A ran across a passage in an older self-improvement book in which the author was talking about the need for children to be “broken.” Most of us today would be a bit taken back at the idea that children need to be “broken.”

This used to be a common term; I am inclined to think that the meaning has changed. People used to call it breaking an animal. Sometimes this was simply a way of referring to the process of training an animal to behave in the way we want it to. Snarling and biting are not acceptable behaviors for a dog so they need to be taught to not engage in this kind of activity.

Now by referring to the idea of “breaking” a small child I am in no way encouraging or condoning any form of cruelty. Even though the application of the term “breaking” is now largely confined to the training of horses, and applied to horses, I would hope, is the belief that this training of horses ought to be done in a humane manner.

But what about children? Should they be broken?

When you think of this process in a more modern way, we might say a child needs to be “socialized.” Why?

Because there are certain social norms we expect of people who live in our society. You should pay for the things you remove from a store. Some people do not seem to have learned this truth as children and are now surprised, even shocked when they are arrested for stealing.

Some people still have not gotten the message that there are things they just are not allowed to say and do. If you assert your right to do as you please, then I assert the right to call the police and have you arrested for that behavior. Calling the police might even be a mild response for some of the “unbroken” behaviors people are exhibiting these days.

So do parents have a duty to teach their children right and wrong?

Might that duty also include the duty to get their kid to stop doing socially unacceptable behaviors? If your child has developed an anti-social habit, I suggest that you as a parent have the duty, to yourself and the rest of society to “break” your child of this anti-social habit.

Now if no one taught you the difference between right and wrong. If you grew up in an environment where anything and everything goes, you may be forced to conduct some of this “breaking” activity on yourself.

One thing we learn as we get older is that if we are unable to control our lives the state is all too willing to appoint someone, a probation officer, or parole agent, to manage our lives.

Have you found that you have habits you wish you had never started? Do you do things that get you in trouble with the law and society?

Then you might not yet be “broken” or “fully socialized.”

In that case, you have some “breaking” to do for your own good. Learn to break those bad habits and to conform to social norms. And make sure to pass those things on to your children.

It is a lot less painful to learn the word “NO” from a parent at a young age than from a judge or prison guard later on.

Who “broke” or trained you in the skills you need for life?

If that hasn’t happened yet, find a good life skills trainer, and get to work. If your children embarrass you in public, if you get too many calls from the school about your child’s behavior, they may be sorely in need of some socialization and some “breaking” of bad habits. You owe it to yourself, your children, and society to discard those bad habits and develop some new socially acceptable ones.

People have difficulty developing new pro-social habits when they still have old bad habits in place. Out with the bad and in with the good. Break that old habit or behavior and create room for some new positive behaviors.

Here is wishing you the best at changing old bad habits and developing new ones that will speed you on your way to a happy life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel