Does Entering and Exiting Relationships Change You?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

In recovery groups, both mental health and substance abuse, it’s commonly heard that you should avoid getting into a new relationship for at least two years after ending your last one. Why this admonition to avoid a new relationship when you’re going through recovery from something else? Let’s look at the process of getting into a relationship, being in one, and exiting that relationship.

For this example, we will start with a primary love or sexual relationship. Let’s look at the stages you might pass through.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I consulted with two esteemed sources of knowledge, Professor Google and Advanced Researcher ChatGPT. The question I asked was relatively straightforward, but it got very different answers. The question I posed was: “Please define a relationship and explain how someone gets into and out of relationships.” While I did not use their wording in its original form, I have addressed the ideas they presented in their answers.

The initial attraction.

Professor Google was quite insistent that relationships typically begin with an initial attraction Which is then followed by the initiation of a relationship. I think this is more probable in a romantic sexual relationship, but I don’t know that it’s necessary for any relationship. In fact, the idea that people fall in love and that love leads to a good relationship may be a major fallacy.

Historians will tell us that the idea of romantic love is a relatively recent invention. I suspect there was always an attraction between some individuals, but the interests of the family and the tribe took precedence.

Plenty of cultures practice arranged marriages where the parents of the two families agree that their children were going to join. I’ve talked to some people who were in arranged marriages, and their success rate was probably every bit as good as or better than that of couples who fell in love. Granted, parents don’t always pick the best partner for you.  But falling in love after a night of drinking is not likely to be a good choice either.

I do know that in my own ancestry, there was more than one instance of a marriage to a mail-order bride or a quickly arranged marriage between two people after their respective partners had died during a disease outbreak. For a good part of human history, the practical reasons for being together have outweighed the emotional ones.

The idea that good friends can be recognized at first sight, I think, is also an error. Some friendships do start that way, but many more friendships are the result of a lot of time and effort spent together working on common goals or engaging in common activities. Men who served together in combat are often much closer friends than old school chums.

The search for connection.

Early in the development of a relationship, whether romantic or friendship, there needs to be some interaction, and you search for a connection. People look for commonalities. Those commonalities often are not surface things.

People from very diverse backgrounds, cultures, and interests can make connections and develop deep and lasting relationships. What they often find is that they connect at some emotional or spiritual level.

Entering the relationship is often seen as a process, not a single event.

Typically, good friends and often good romantic relationship partners meet either at school, work, or social settings. They have shared interests and goals.

Occasionally, these friendships are the result of a chance encounter. As we get older, those chance encounters become rarer unless we break out of our comfort zone and go to new places and engage in new activities.

Relationships are strengthened by interaction and learning about the other person.

Time brings compatible people closer together and drives incompatible people farther apart. An important part of every relationship is learning about each other, hopefully in an open and non-judgmental way.

In good relationships, people value each other and come to respect each other’s boundaries.

Mutual interests or needs hold relationships together.

There are many reasons why people stay in Relationships. These include companionship, liking each other, agreement on things, trust, and shared goals.

Successful relationships include a lot of efforts to repair breaches and to maintain closeness and communication. In couples work, John Gottman made the observation that successful couples have at least 7 positive interactions for each one negative. A huge part of maintaining any relationship or friendship is seeing the good in the other person and expressing those positive thoughts and feelings about them to them.

Entering a new relationship changes you.

When you get into a relationship, you begin spending time with another person, and you come to know their interests, likes, and dislikes. Those adjustments to being with that person may have an impact on your likes and dislikes and your personality.

Leaving a relationship changes you again.

Having ended a friendship or romantic relationship, you begin to re-evaluate where you go, the foods you eat, and the things you like to do. After a breakup, you may suddenly realize that I didn’t really like that TV show we watched every night; I only did it for my partner. You may be at a loss in deciding which restaurant to go to because you’re used to going to places you’re ex used to like. It takes time to figure out who you are as an individual once you end a close relationship.

Recommended Mental Health Books

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Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them, and they can do the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC 

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