Changing others part 3.

By David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC.

Sometimes positive reinforcement goes wild. Instead of increasing desirable positive behaviors, positive reinforcement incorrectly applied can create more negative behaviors. Let’s look at some examples.

It is Super Bowl Sunday. Dad wants to watch the game. The kids who are bored to death start getting loud and thrashing around. Dad decides to get this to stop and gives the kids some money and sends them to the store. They don’t interrupt the big game. But then over time, something begins to happen. Dad notices that now every time he wants to watch a game on T. V., the kids get loud and rambunctious. He brings them to the therapist because they are “disrespectful.” What has gone wrong?

It is way too easy to positively reinforce bad behavior. Once you reward bad behavior it begins to expand. Often we do this without noticing that this is what we have done.

Another example. The child, in the store, begins to wine. Mom is getting tired and so she decides she has had enough. She leaves the store and goes home. The problem of whiny kid solved, for now. But over the years mom notices she has a very whiny kid. She can no longer go anywhere the child does not want to go or the whining begins. Another example of how a quick response to a misbehaving child can result in positively reinforcing bad behavior.

A more adult example. Dad can’t find his keys. He is late for work. He begins to swear and yell. Mom goes running and helps dad find the keys. Problem solved for today. But over time if mom runs every time dad is frustrated and yells, dad will yell and swear more. Mom is unknowingly training dad to yell and swear. Sometimes these cases end up in counseling. More of them should. After a while, we start to believe that it is others that are making us mad and of course when mad we should vent our frustration. Anger management classes which include cognitive-behavioral methods may be needed to break the cycle of anger, yelling, and swear words.

But it can get worse. Even if you do not reinforce bad behavior in your child other people may. I worked with one client who had older sisters. They lived in a poor part of town where there were lots of gangs. They used to dress their little brother up as a gang banger. At three it looked “cute” when he reached thirteen and became a real gang banger they were surprised. They shouldn’t have been. They had positively reinforced his looking like and acting like a gang member so much it was natural for him to become one.

This is one reason it worries me when people dress little girls in sexy or “trampy” outfits. Then when she gets to be a teen they try to clamp down on her clothes and behavior. She has been so thoroughly positively reinforced for acting in a sexualized manner why would she change? Besides she is not home now for you to change her behavior. She is out on an overnight date with that “cute” gang banger.

But other people, sometimes with good intentions, also undo our efforts to help children. A child who is shy and feels lonely often begins to avoid others and hide in the corner. So all the staff starts going over to talk to the child. Soon the child is getting lots of attention, which is what the child wanted. So does the child come out of their shell and start being less shy? Not on your life. All that attention for the “shy behaviors” was so completely positively reinforced that the shyness increases.  The right approach would have been for all staff to have watched the child and when they looked over to smile. Positively reinforce any outgoing behavior no matter how small and it might increase. But one staff member can unintentionally undo the work of all the others. So in the home how often do family members, knowingly or unintentionally undo the change efforts of the rest of the family?

It is very important that all the adults in a child’s life be on the same page when it comes to behavior modification. It is also important to be consistent.

Here is hoping that this series is helping you in your efforts to change both yourself and those around you. More to come.

For more on the process of change see the blog post series “Stages of Change”

There is also a series of posts on helping others change, under the heading of “Changing Others.” and “Creating the Change you need.”

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

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