By David Joel Miller.
It takes way more than sex to keep a man’s interest.
The spring falling-in-love season is about over, the summer wedding season has begun. The divorce and break up season, that season is pretty much year-round.
Women who come for counseling and they mostly come during and after the breakup, repeatedly tell me, and remember I am a man, that men only want one thing.
Women seem to think that all men expect in a relationship is sex. They are so wrong. Men want sex, yes the do. It is a biological imperative for men to make that contribution to the continuation of the human race. But ladies if you think that is all it takes to keep a man happy no wonder so many relationships are in trouble.
It talks more than great sex to keep a relationship happy and functional.
For your edification ladies, men in the after-the-break-up counseling, they say Women only want one thing. What they think women want is way different from what you ladies say they want. I will tell you about what men think is the only thing you women want in a future post.
What do men want other than sex?
Women seem to think, some of you anyway, that you spread your legs apart and the man should be happy. Then when he does not do what you want, you withdraw the sex and say he only wanted one thing. He was settling for the thing you offered but many men want so much more than just sex.
Some women use sex to get the man hooked – The old bait and switch.
Try taking your kids to the amusement park, let them ride the roller-coaster once. Then plan to spend the rest of the day looking at the flowers and the decor. How long till they feel cheated and want to go home.
For men, sex is symbolic as well as physical. If you love me you would want to do that. So they find it hard to believe you genuinely care about them if the sex is not happening. They think you should want to give them this gift. Women, on the other hand, want to feel loved before they are interested in sex. So we do the love dance, do you love me or not and each couple finds the time and place to complete the dance and engage in sex.
Some of you start at the end of the dance and then wonder why neither of you knows the steps to keep it going.
What else do men want?
Men want to know that they can make you happy.
In the courting stage, you let him know he was making you happy. You laughed at his jokes, smiled when you saw him and talked about the things he was interested in.
One day after you two are together, you stop laughing at his jokes, you don’t want to hear about his team or his interests and if he leaves his socks on the floor one more time that will be the end of the sex.
Men hang in there for a while, some longer than others, but if nothing he does pleases you and then you stop telling him you love him in the bedroom, you know the rest.
Men want to be with someone who likes them.
All day they are out at work. People are critical. then the man comes home and what does his partner and lover do? She tells him all the things he is doing wrong.
When you were dating he thought you liked him. Suddenly he is living with a person who thinks he is a SOS (sack of stuff.)
I know you ladies think you are being helpful telling him all the things he could improve on, but he knows he is not perfect. He just would like to come home to someone who could affirm he is a worthwhile person. He needs someone in his house, his castle, who thinks he is a great guy.
So ladies when you decide you no longer need to affirm his worth, that it is your sworn duty to tell him all his flaws, is it any wonder he goes looking for those affirmations from his therapist or his mistress?
So ladies, if you think all men want, is sex, you are putting your man on an emotional starvation diet. Eventually, you will get tired of giving him the sex and then things will be all over.
Men need affirmation to know they can make you happy, they need appreciation for what they do and they need to know that you still like them and want them. It takes a full cores emotional meal to keep a man’s love needs fed.
There is that other secret men keep. Many men are convinced that women only want one thing and it is not always something men have to give. Next post the thing men say is “all women want” in the relationship and why this pushes men away.
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For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings, and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books
- 4 Reasons counselors don’t say they like you (counselorssoapbox.com)
- Why the B student is happier – good enough is often better (counselorssoapbox.com)
- Why love and counseling don’t mix – ethical Loophole 4 (counselorssoapbox.com)
- Alcohol does not help with depression (counselorssoapbox.com)
- Learning to say NO (counselorssoapbox.com)
- Pretending to be happy? (counselorssoapbox.com)
- Which you is the real you? Life Roles (counselorssoapbox.com)
- You can choose your life – happiness or depression, success or failure? (counselorssoapbox.com)