Ways to win the argument and lose the relationship

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Couple not talking

Unhappy relationship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The way you fight may permanently damage your relationships

Some couples argue and then they make up. Other couples do so much damage when they argue that the relationship is permanently damaged. Stuffing your feelings and not asking to have your needs met is no option. But there are ways to disagree without permanently wrecking that relationship.

If you find that when you win the argument you lose the close relationship you wanted, look to see if you are doing any of these destructive things when you and your partner argue.

Here are 10 destructive things to avoid when you argue.

  1. Personal attacks.

Talk about behavior, not personalities. Ask for the change you want. Tell the other person about how you feel and own that these are your feelings.

Do not go on the attack, call them names, or make global judgments. Personal attacks damage your partner and the relationship.

  1. Name-calling

In the heat of the argument, it is easy to call someone a name. You are feeling hurt and what to hurt them back. Calling names incites the other person to do the same. That name-calling damages the relationship and invites them to retaliate any way they can in response.

  1. Saying the thing you know will hurt them the most.

The argument is raging on and you want to get even. Resist the temptation to say the thing that will hurt the other person the most. Most of us know things about our partners, past mistakes, insecurities, triggers for painful emotions. When you are arguing there is this temptation to say the thing that will hurt them the most.

Know that should you give in and do the damage, the relationship is the most likely victim.

  1. Stonewalling – Refusing to talk to them – the silent treatment

Giving your partner a cold shoulder leads to a very chilly relationship. You may feel like you are winning the argument at the moment but down the road refusing to communicate ends future communication.

  1. Not listening to what the other person says.

When there is conflict listening is the first victim. An outside observer will often notice that two people who are disagreeing strongly are in fact talking about two different subjects. Each is so interested in winning the argument they forget to listen to the other person.

If you spend most of your time in a conversation thinking about what you will say next, you are communicating with yourself not the other person.

  1. Bringing up the past

Everyone has a past. Couples have pasts, staying stuck in the past harms your possible future together. Many people hold onto all the mistakes and faults of their partner and when the heat rises they throw all those past events in the other person’s face.

Work through those past events. Put them to rest and then leave them there. Continuing to hold onto the past as a weapon for the future prevents any repair of the relationship.

You may use the past to win this argument but you lose the possibilities of a good future when you keep living in the past.

  1. Threats.

Be very careful with threats. If you threaten too much and too often the other person stops believing you. Do not make threats that you do not intend to follow through on. Making treats forces the other person to take action to protect themselves.

What may have started out as a way to win an argument may end as a way to terminate your relationship.

  1. Not admitting your part.

Do not continue to insist on enumerating the things the other person has done wrong as a way to avoid looking at your part. You can’t change your partner. If you could you probably would not like the result. Identify your part in the problem and work on fixing that portion first. Change you and the world will change around you.

  1. Put-downs.

Put-downs, like name-calling, degrade your relationship along with the partner. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone you did not respect? Keep putting your partner down and they lose respect for you. Rather than making that other person want to please you, they will begin to want to escape you. Put a partner down enough and they will want to be rid of you.

  10. Getting physical.

Get physical with your partner and you will lose. It may result in police and a domestic violence charge. Even if there are no immediate consequences you will feel worse about yourself. The person who uses violence to win an argument may win in the short run but over the long-term, the relationship turns from a positive one to one of waiting for an opportunity to get revenge.

Love is the largest casualty of violence.

Have you ever won an argument and found that the cost of that victory was too large? Are you more interested in winning the argument or in preserving the loving relationship?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is an evidence based practice?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Which therapy methods really work?

If you have a particular “mental illness” what treatment would be best for you and how would you find someone who did that type of therapy? Should you seek out a CBT therapist or a DBT one? Is there really a difference?

The answer is more difficult to find than you might think.

The fields of counseling and therapy are full of practitioners who each have created their own varieties of treatment. Unfortunately what works for one client does not always work for another. Also what works when one therapist uses it does not always seem to work when another counselor tries it.

So how do we establish what methods work and what are wastes of time and money? If insurance, private or public programs, are going to provide or pay for the treatment they want some assurance that the treatment will work. If you are paying out of your own pocket you deserve the same level of confidence.

Some “schools” of therapy have been very resistant to being evaluated; others have embraced the processes of evaluation. There are at this point in time more questions than answers.

National Registry of Evidence-Based Programs and Practices.

Creating a list or registry of therapies that work is one possible solution. Here in the U. S., the most comprehensive list is found at the National Registry of Evidence-Based Programs and Practices. This is however not the only list.

The last time I looked, this database contained 340 different programs or practices that had been registered and evaluated. Not all of these programs are equal. Some have many studies and are deemed very reliable and others have few studies, with only small groups of people and are still questionable.

Nevertheless, having a list that we can look at helps narrow down the range of treatments that may be helpful. This list also seems to rule out some treatments that are questionable or unhelpful.

Just looking up your condition and finding a treatment that was shown to work in a particular study is not the whole answer. Given one treatment model, not all therapists are equally good at using it. A treatment that worked well with military veterans may not be right for teens. The group or “population” being treated matters.

Another factor is how close to the original method a therapist works. Some providers will stay very close to the original model and others will vary what they do depending on the client. Some methods seem to work best when the practitioner sticks to the “script.” Other methods work better when tailored to the client. Some practices have detailed manuals the provider is supposed to follow and others are more general theories

No matter what theory or method a therapist uses the success of the treatment is hugely influenced by the relationship between the therapist and the client. If you think this person can help you then they can. If you do not believe in what the therapist is doing then it is much less likely to be helpful.

While professions continue to develop ways to be helpful to clients what you should be looking for is someone who can help you with your particular problem. Find someone who feels right to you if possible. Expect that you will need to do some work and sometimes that work will feel uncomfortable. Therapy may even feel painful at times when you have to face traumas and hurts from the past.

Keep in mind that good therapy is not something the therapist does to you, but a process you and they do together that helps you create the best life possible.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

PTSD or Acute Stress?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Words about PTSD

PTSD.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What’s the difference between PTSD and Acute Stress?

Stressed

Feeling stressed out?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder has made the news a lot recently. This is a good thing. More recognition of PTSD should result in more treatment and less suffering from those who have PTSD. Stress caused problems may or may not be from a Trauma.

What hasn’t gotten as much notice and should have, is the role of Acute Stress Disorder in the events that knock people down and cause a lot of suffering. Acute Stress Disorder creates a lot of problems for a lot of people. Reactions to severe stress can cause long-term changes in people’s feelings and behaviors. Many of these changes go unrecognized and untreated. Acute Stress Disorder may be missed more often than it is diagnosed. More on that later in this blog post.

Stress can harm you.

We know stress is a problem a lot of the time, for a lot of people. Outside the field of mental health, there are lots of blog posts and books on stress, what it is, and how to deal with it.  I have written posts about stress and managing it for those of you who have too much stress in your life even if it does not get you a diagnosis or disability.

Stress, plain simple stress, can break people down even if they never meet the criteria for a mental illness. Think of stress like this:

Remember those spectacular car crashes at those televised car races? Some of those crashes were the result of car parts (or drivers) under stress. All-day, for hundreds of miles that car and that poor car part, ran hard and fast. The stress just kept coming, then suddenly that part breaks, that car goes all which way and the crash occurs.

Stress on people can be like that. Too much stress too long and the person develops mental health problems. Some of those problems need a day off, others become diagnosable illnesses. In the past, we tended to think of stress-related disorders like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as close cousins to Anxiety. That has started to change.

Beginning soon mental health professionals will begin to use new coding systems. The DSM-5 or the newer ICD codes. In those systems, Stress and Trauma-Related Disorders get their own chapter. While Stressor-Related Disorders can cause anxiety and have some symptoms in common with anxiety disorders they also have some differences.

Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders.

From the day you are born till the day you die too much stress can cause you a problem. One key factor in Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders is that there has to be a specific thing that happened to you, the stressor. Trauma is the king of all stressors.

So these things do not just suddenly happen for no reason and they are presumably not something you are born with. This fuzzes up the expression that mental illness is a brain disorder, in that the cause of these disorders are things that happen to you.

If life events result in acquiring a mental illness, then events, as in therapy and learning, can be helpful in treating that disorder.  Much of the treatments for stressor-related disorders are cognitive type therapies.

Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorders also can have features that are similar, we might even say overlap, depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive, and the often overlooked dissociation. Not every other mental illness is caused by stress or trauma. We just need to be aware that sometimes there can be connections. This similarity to other issues results in a lot of stress-related disorders not being diagnosed until years later when the person is severely mentally ill or disabled.

What is Acute Stress Disorder and why is it important?

Acute Stress Disorder has two sets of “symptoms,” the things people experience that are a problem for them and the technical things professionals use to give out the diagnosis.

Some of the things you might experience as a result of having Acute Stress Disorder are also symptoms of other mental health issues or other mental illnesses. There are a variety of diagnoses that someone might get as a result of injuries they sustained due to stress.

These symptoms can impact your life in long-term ways. People may find their personality has changed.

Poor or no sleep is a cause for worry. Poor sleep now, predicts mental health issues down the road. In the aftermath of stressors, many people report that they do not sleep well. Some report bad dreams, nightmares, or night terrors. A few days of bad sleep after you are stressed and you should get back to normal. If the sleep disturbance goes on for very long it starts to change your functioning and your life.

Panic attacks are common in the first month after a severe life stressor. The time period of thirty days becomes important when we try to separate Acute Stress Disorder from other problems. This panic attack may first be experienced immediately after a stressful incident and then go on to become Panic Disorder.

If you have been through a severely stressful incident it is not unusual for you to blame yourself for not expecting it, not doing something differently, and not being able to prevent it. Rationally you should know that it may not have been possible to prevent what happened, but people commonly experience guilt or even shame over not being able to stop that trauma.

After a trauma, some people report that happiness or joy has been sucked out of life. They stop caring about themselves or others. They may begin to take risks that they never took before. They drive too fast, gamble, take more sexual risks. Some trauma or stress survivors become angry, bitter, and more argumentative. They get in more fights, verbally, and physically. It is as if they have changed who they are and they no longer care.

If you knew about the traumatic experience you might understand why the changes in behavior occurred. If that trauma survivor kept the trauma a secret, and many do, you might think this was all bad behavior.

Trauma survivors, even those who do not go on to develop more serious mental health problems, may become confused or think they are losing their minds. They may get tested for or treated for concussions. They could have both a concussion and a longer-term mental illness.

After a trauma or a crisis from the buildup of long-term stress, you may find it difficult to go back to places that remind you of the trauma. People become unable to go back to work, visit certain places or they avoid social situations.

How do professionals diagnose Acute Stress Disorder and why is that diagnosis so rare?

The official criteria for Acute Stress disorder are found in the DSM-5 or DSM-4-TR if your agency is still using that one. The DSM’s are published by the APA and you can order the full text from them. Here is my oversimplified plain language version of that criteria. I hope I do not make errors in this explanation.

A warning

Self-diagnosis or diagnosing your family and friends is a risky behavior. If after reading all this you believe you or someone close to you has Acute Stress Disorder, another Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorder, or any other mental health problem, go see a professional and get it checked out. There are treatments available for all of these conditions and there is no need to suffer alone.

There are 5 things the professional needs to look at for Acute Stress Disorder

  1. Did you experience a really bad Traumatic Stressor Recently?

There is a “waiting period” of 3 days. Most people have difficulty for a few days after a serious trauma. Then there is the requirement that the problems you are having must last UP TO 30 days. This is a huge thing for Acute Stress Disorder. If your problems go on more than 30 days the name we call this (diagnostic code) changes to something more long-term like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD.)

The result of this time factor is that a whole lot of people who have this problem do not ever get diagnosed. In outpatient settings, it can take 30 days to get your insurance settled and to get in for an appointment. In hospital settings this diagnosis may be found more often using “strict criteria” but in most other places the results of trauma do not show up till years later and the issues then get called something other than Acute Stress Disorder.

  1. You must have at least 9 of 14 possible symptoms.

This leads to lots of ifs. Depending on who is doing the evaluating some things get counted and not others. Another problem is that trauma victims do not like to talk about their trauma. One symptom is avoiding reminders of the trauma and talking about it again is a reminder. So not having said they have a symptom can rule people out who did, in fact, meet the criteria and do have Acute Stress Disorder.

I will not go through all the 14 criteria here, just a few of the big ones.

You can’t get the trauma or stressor out of your head.

This is sometimes called intrusive thoughts. You may also have dreams and things will trigger the memories so much you begin avoiding those emotional triggers. After the 30 days waiting period this may become PTSD.

From now on you are in a bad mood and can’t get out of it.

The happiness and joy get sucked out of your life. You are in a bad mood all the time for no apparent reason. Some people, kids, and men mostly, become irritable, angry, and possibly violent. In my view, Acute Stress Disorder and its aftermath are involved in a lot of these unexpected violent incidents.

People may “space out.”

Researchers have noted that zoning out, technically called dissociation, is common, almost universal in the first three days after a trauma. If that dissociation continues after the third day we think it indicates Acute Stress Disorder. After thirty days that dissociation gets diagnosed as something else. I believe that there are more cases of dissociation than gets recognized. Some are ignored and some get another name like Psychosis NOS (not otherwise specified.)

Acute Stress Disorder is time-limited.

Acute Stress Disorder must last more than three days and less than thirty. Beyond the thirty the name gets changed. Many people try their hardest to cope and do not report symptoms. They can’t work and go on disability for a while until that runs out. Some end up alone and homeless. They get angry, depressed, or anxious and their relationships suffer. They develop panic attacks or obsessive-compulsive disorders. Some get other mental illness diagnoses.

Having Acute Stress Disorder really matters.

This disorder, like most things we call mental illness, really makes a difference in people’s lives. It interferes with their ability to work or go to school. Having Acute Stress disorder can interfere with or destroy relationships with family and friends. It causes the people who have it a lot of suffering even when they can’t express how or why they are suffering. It can also damage other important areas of your life, such as religious observances, hobbies, and so forth.

Acute Stress Disorder is not something else.

Professionals are continually reminded to avoid putting the wrong label (diagnoses) on things. If you only have these symptoms because of a medical issue or because you are drunk or high when you have the symptoms then we do not say you have Acute Stress Disorder.

This does not mean that people with medical problems or who use drugs can’t get Acute Stress Disorder, we just want to be careful we do not get the diagnosis wrong and count as symptoms things that were not caused by the stressor.

One last thing to consider.

There are two other groups of mental health problems in the Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorder chapter. Attachments Disorders, those problems that begin in very early life and Adjustment Disorders, which are reactions to stress that may not be life-threatening but have a huge impact on your mental health. These groups of life problems, sometimes, they rise to the level of a mental illness or a mental health problem.

I have written elsewhere about how Attachment Disorders and Adjustment Disorders can wreck someone’s life if not attended to. I am out of time and space here to talk about these other groups of Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorders.

Hope this post did not run too long. I do not think I have written a post of this length in the past but this seemed like a topic that needed more space and discussion.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel