Category Archives: Self-esteem

Self-confidence. Believe in yourself.

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Sunday Inspiration    Post By David Joel Miller.

Self-confidence. Believe in yourself.

Self-confidence

Self-Confidence
Believe in yourself.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”

― Theodore Roosevelt

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit”

― E.E. Cummings

“Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.”

― Abraham Lincoln

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Sunday seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

Stop negativity gnawing on your self-esteem.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Negativity

Is Negativity taking over your life?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does your doubt chew up your self-confidence?

Many people have negative self-talk, those unhelpful things we tell ourselves about our lives. Having that load of negativity in your head and life is a sure way to damage your self-esteem. Do you tell yourself you are not good enough? That you can’t do this or that? That you will never?

Those nagging self-doubts amplified each other to roaring negativity and drown out any possibility of healthy self-esteem. Judging yourself harshly will not make you a better person. Running yourself down will not empower you to do better. Beating yourself up leaves you feeling helpless and hopeless. The key to feeling better about yourself is to stop judging yourself and start believing you like all other humans are capable of good things much of the time.

Here are some ways to stop the gnawing doubts.

Embrace your flaws.

Those wrinkles are character lines, you earned every one of your scars. There is no such a thing as a perfect person. We all have our flaws. Those nicks and scratches are what make you unique. Accept that how you are is just fine with you and those who care will accept you also.

Someday you like me, will become an older person. Those nicks and scrapes you have gathered up along the way will make you that cherished antique person someday.

Cut yourself some slack. Let your mistakes go.

Errors, mistakes, and missed opportunities are not signs you are a failure. They are the price you pay for being a human. We are all required to make some mistakes. The only person who thinks they make no mistakes is the person who does nothing. Doing nothing is a mistake.

Decide where you want to go in life.

You may not be able to decide what will happen but you can choose where you will go. Life is a journey, not a destination. That saying should ring true for anyone who has lived any portion of time. Live life. Take chances, accumulate memories and you will have a richer experience.

Life’s with no goals and values meander along and never go anywhere.  Want to feel good about yourself? Do lots of things. Do the best things you can to feel good about yourself. Regardless of where you place you will have run the races in life to the best of your abilities.

Give yourself a round of applause, recognize the good things you do.

Focusing on the less than perfect experiences robs you of the joy of the accomplishments. Give yourself credit for all the things you do, large or small. Your accomplishments should matter. They should especially matter to you.

If no one has ever told you that what you did was good, then be that person that cheers you on. If you think back was there someone who was in your corner at some point, maybe a grandmother or close friend? Then remember how they used to acknowledge what you did and repeat that praise to yourself in your head.

Do good deeds to be a good person.

Do things that make you feel good about yourself. The more good things you do the better you will feel. Any time you do something good, for yourself or another person, it improves your self-esteem. Something as simple as a smile can brighten someone’s day. Give a word of encouragement to someone who needs uplifting.

You do not need to do great grand gestures to feel good about being helpful. Any time you are of service you can take credit for that accomplishment.

If you want something to change do something different.

Ruts get deep. The longer you stay in them the deeper they get. To make your life less negative and improve your self-esteem reach out and try something you have never done before. Take a class, start a new hobby, read a self-help blog or book. Each new experience adds to your feeling that you are living this life not simply existing through it.

Jump off the diving board.

Nothing changes until you take that first step. First steps can be scary. If you have an anxiety monster chewing at your self-esteem you may need to stretch out that comfort zone a little at a time. Some new experiences, they can’t be done with a toe in the water. You either stay stuck or you step off the diving board and see what will happen.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why can’t you say something?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Old phone

Bad Communication.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you find it difficult to speak your mind?

For good or bad some people have little or no difficulty saying what is on their mind. Others find it next to impossible to speak up even when they have something really important to say. Not expressing yourself can impair your relationships, both personal and professional.

The inability to speak up can be the result of a number of things you have been telling yourself. It is often a case of low self-esteem or it can be a sign of a more serious anxiety disorder. Try the corrective tips below. If after you try these things you are still struggling with speaking up consider working with a counselor to reduce your anxiety and improve your self-confidence.

What are some of the common reasons people hesitate to say what they are thinking and how can you overcome these issues? How many of these excuses do you use to keep from saying your piece?

You are silent because you don’t have the facts.

It pays to be sure you have your facts straight. Telling yourself this too much inhibits your ability to communicate with others. Unfortunately, people never have every possible fact. Sometimes you need to form an opinion based on the information you have. You also will have times when you need to express your preferences and feelings. There is no such thing as the “correct” way to feel or think. Some preferences may make your life easier but your preferences are, after all, your desires. If you don’t express them you make it unlikely that your wishes will be taken into consideration.

Negative self-talk inhibits expression.

Do you have a running commentary going on in your head? One that questions your judgment, tells you to stay silent because you could be wrong? Negative self-talk can lower your self-esteem and reduce your ability to take action. Tell those runaway thoughts to stop running away with your self-esteem.

Early in life, many people fell into the habit of calling themselves “stupid” or “dumb.” You may have developed this habit because others called you names or this may have arisen because you felt embarrassed about making mistakes. Repeatedly calling yourself names results in your brain trying to make these things come true. This self-created commandment “though shalt not express your thought” gets to be the default setting in your brain.

Positive affirmations can help alter this mental conversation. Tell yourself that your thoughts matter. “I have the right to express my feelings.’ Look for positive affirmations that improve your self-confidence and self-esteem.

Thought-stopping can also be used to get those unhelpful thoughts to leave your head. When your child does something that you do not want them to do we quickly tell them to “stop that.” Learn to tell that voice in your head, the one you are creating through your negative self-talk, to be silent and see what happens.

Your need to be liked gets in the way of being you.

People who only like you when you agree with them are pretty shallow. Mature relationships leave plenty of room for two people to disagree and still be friends. People who matter will like you for you. If you start speaking up in an assertive not aggressive way, you will find that others will respect you and want to hear what you have to say.

If your life is full of people who are only your friends if you agree with them, take another look at how healthy these friendships are. Some people, family, in particular, you may need to just accept that is the way they are and leave it at that. Other people are not worth you’re being fake to yourself to be liked by them.

You don’t believe what you have to say is important.

You are an important person, just like every other person. You will never know what kind of valuable contribution to a conversation you might make until you make it. Those people in your life should want to hear what you have to say. Some of those closest to you have been waiting for you to express yourself. Close friends and partners may have been wondering why you were not willing to share what you thought with them.

Become a part of the conversation and see how much closer and more connected you will become.

You are deathly afraid of conflict.

Avoiding conflict by not being and not feeling is no way to be. You won’t avoid conflict by not expressing yourself you will just hide it. How would others know what you wanted and liked if you fail to express it?

Unexpressed differences of opinion keep people from connecting on deeply personal levels. Let others know how you feel and who you are deep down on that essential level. The way to resolve conflicts is to get them out in the open, work through them, and find solutions that work for all involved.

You are afraid of rejection.

Some people will reject you if they don’t like the things you have to say. Are those people really worth the effort if you need to be a fake person to be around them?  People who matter, the kind you would want for friends and intimate partners are unlikely to reject you because of what you say.

Test this out. Start by expressing small things, what you like, and where you want to go. See how others respond to you. You may well discover that others in your life will appreciate this new, more communicative person you are becoming.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

You become who you think you are.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Believe in you.

Self-Esteem.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What you tell yourself about you comes true.

Are you a great fortune-teller or do you just specialize in self-fulfilling prophecies?

People like to tell themselves things about the future. They sometimes think by predicting the future they are protecting themselves from disappointment. The truth is you may be creating your own disappointment.

One of the surest ways to snatch defeat out of the grasp of victory is to tell yourself constantly that something bad will happen. Give your brain enough of this message and it works hard to create the failure you predicted.

Say you can’t and you can’t.

We hear a lot about the power of positive thinking. There is truth to that. If you think you can do things you get more done. We tell kids the story of “The Little Engine that Could” for a reason. Belief in yourself makes things happen.

Team leaders that inspire optimism in their teams reach more goals. Leaders know that telling their followers “they can” helps create accomplishments. Tell your people they have no chance and the effort ends.

Negative thoughts prevent things.

What we miss sometimes is that negative thoughts are just as powerful, maybe more powerful than positive ones.

Telling yourself you will fail inhibits any effort to succeed. Say you can’t often enough and your brain will start believing you. You can influence yourself to sabotage your efforts.

Think about a team and the half-time locker-room talk. Does the coach say don’t be concerned? I knew we were going to lose so don’t bother to put in any more effort? What a good coach does in inspire his team to believe in themselves.

Winners don’t just hope they will prevail they see themselves already having won. Those who plan on returning home empty-handed do not stand on the victory platform.

Be your own coach, expect you can do more than you know at this point in your life, and then go out and make it happen.

Say no one likes you and you become difficult to like.

If you expect people to dislike you, the natural behavior would be to treat that person curtly. Why waste your time on people who do not like you? But if you expect everyone to dislike you this makes it hard for them to get past your wall and get to know you.

Expect the world to be full of enemies and you will find them. Believe that there are lots of friends out there, you just haven’t met them yet, and every day is another chance to meet that friend you do not yet know.

Start by liking yourself. To improve your self-esteem do more things and some of them have to work out. Ignore your less than perfect events and focus on your accomplishments. If you have had difficulties in your life and still showed up and tried, how have you been able to do that? Focus on your strengths and you will become stronger.

Saying you are dumb prevents learning.

Students who think they are dumb study less. They do not become excited about learning and they learn less. We repeatedly see adult learners who return to school after many years away and then they begin to study something that interests them. They commonly do better than they expected. Learning is very much about attitude. If you like what you are studying and you expect to learn it, the learning comes more easily.

What do you tell yourself about you?

Many people spend life thinking very unhelpful thoughts. If you say you will be lonely you create that isolation. Say you are on a quest to find a good friend and you will begin to meet new interesting people. Believe in yourself and search in new places. You may find a better you and a happier life just around the corner.

If you expect unhappiness you will look everywhere for it. If you expect to find happiness, you may be surprised at how often it is waiting there along your life path for you to stop and recognize it.

Is it time for you to toss the unhelpful thoughts and start practicing the new useful thought patterns? Who do you want to be? Focus on this. Practice thinking you are there and then move forward.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What shade of beautiful are you?

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Beautiful

What shade of beautiful are you?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

12 Steps to increase your confidence.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Confidence

Confidence.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Increase your self-confidence by following these 12 easy steps.

1. Stop trying to be perfect – no one is.

Focusing on being perfect keeps you thinking of the negative. Focus instead on your personal best. Work on being just a little better each time you do something and over the long haul you will see improvement. Skills take constant polishing to develop and to maintain.

2. Improve yourself.

Learn a new skill, tackle something you have never done before. Confidence is based on having a wide variety of areas in which you feel competent. Freed of the need to be perfect in everything, you can be however good you are at lots of things. The more skills you have, even rudimentary skills, the more confidence you will have.

3. Don’t compare your private self to others public selves.

We all know our private self. The times we have done something we regret. You know your imperfections. It is easy to compare yourself to someone else’s P.R. image. Do not compare your naked self to someone else’s red carpet costume. Time and again we have seen a public person that many thought had it so together, only to find out that this public person hid a major flaw.

4. Accept yourself warts and all.

The key to increasing your self-confidence is to accept that the way you are now is perfectly OK, all the while striving to become the best person you can be. Being self-deprecating is not being humble. Stop putting yourself down. Accept yourself and you make it easier for others to accept you. Reject yourself and no amount of accomplishments will make you feel good about yourself.

5. Please yourself first for increased confidence.

Trying to please others first results in being chronically unsure if you measure up. Outside people do not know you the way you know you. There will be others in your life you will never be able to please. Some parents think the way to get their children to do better is to always point out their offspring’s flaws. The result is that those children feel they can never measure up and some give up trying altogether, a thing we call learned helplessness. As adults, many people can trace their lack of confidence to a lifetime of trying to please impossible others.

If you have or had someone in your life like that, realize that pleasing them is an impossible task and focus on pleasing yourself.

6. Take more chances.

The great basketball players take more shots. Many highly successful people have tried a number of careers or businesses before they found their niche. You do not protect yourself from failure by sticking to the things you already know. Trying new things helps you discover talents you never knew you had.

7. Have a gratitude list.

Creating a list of the things you have that you are thankful for. Write down a list of your life accomplishments.  Remembering the things you have accomplished in life boosts your confidence. People who lack self-confidence tend to dismiss their accomplishments and discount what they have because they focus only on the things that are lacking.

Recognizing the things you have and the part you have played in creating those things can boost your self-confidence.

8. Use affirmations to increase your confidence.

Affirmations are an incredible tool for boosting confidence. Tell yourself that today you will have a great day and your brain creates it. Say these positive affirmations to yourself every morning. When you need a boost of confidence, repeat them to yourself.

For maximum effectiveness pick affirmations that you believe. Do not try to lie yourself into self-confidence. If you want to be more famous your brain may not accept the affirmation I am famous. It could accept that “Today I will do things that people should notice.”

9. Do your homework – be prepared.

Giving a speech about something you know nothing about will not inspire confidence. Teachers, even those who have been at it a long time, will prepare before classes. New to a field? Learn the basic vocabulary and the “who’s who” of your job. The more you know and the more subjects you know about the easier it will be for you to have conversations with people. Knowing what you are talking about breeds confidence.

10. Educate yourself – read.

Confident people know a bit about a great many things. Self-assured people read and read widely. Read about your own field but also read about things outside your interests. Being well versed in many things will help you interact with others in a confident way.

11. Find the things you care about.

Know yourself and know your interests. It is much easier to be confident when talking about or doing something you really care about. Self-knowledge should make you more confident not less. Accept your good qualities and do not dismiss them lightly. It takes time and practice to become proficient at things. Pick things to practice that you enjoy and you will learn them more rapidly and become better at them.

12. Look for the happy things in life – smile and laugh.

Being a happy person draws others to you. Happiness is a skill. It requires practice and observation. The negativity in the world yells at you every day. The positive happy things wait patiently to be noticed. Make happiness watching a skill you hone every day.

More self-esteem info

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do you have delusions of inferiority?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Delusions.

Delusions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you suffer from delusions of inferiority?

Most of us are familiar with the term delusions of grandeur. In delusions of grandeur, people think they are more important than they really are. In my practice as a therapist, I find that far more people suffer from delusions of inferiority. What are some of the signs of delusions of incompetency and how would you recognize someone who has these delusions?

Normal people have moments of doubt. Low self-esteem is a frequent problem. They wonder if they are doing things well or if others like them. People who suffer from delusions of inferiority see only their shortcomings and never notice anything good about themselves.

People with extreme feelings of inadequacy are prone to overcompensate and hold others to a higher standard than they hold themselves because they believe that others are more capable than they are. This can look like narcissism. Some writers have suggested that narcissists all suffer from delusions of insecurity that they cover up by thinking only of themselves. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an extreme case of a person not being able to see things from another’s perspective.

Here are a few of the ways that people who suffer from delusions of inferiority exaggerate their shortcomings and minimize their positive qualities.

Do you believe that you have to be perfect to be worthwhile?

That constant focus on perfection and the beating yourself up for each and every perceived flaw can take you to a place of thinking you are not OK. People with delusions of inadequacy forgive imperfections in others but not in themselves.

They tend to see things in black and white terms, no middle ground. Either they are perfect or they are worthless.

Do thoughts of you make you want to kick yourself?

When you look in the mirror do you see only defects? You are focusing on the negative and discounting anything positive about yourself. Focusing on your flaws does not keep you humble or motivate you to do better. Delusions of inferiority keep you unhappy and immobilized.

People with delusions of inferiority do not like themselves and would not want them for a friend. This impedes their ability to make real friends and makes them suspicious of others who try to befriend them.

Are you constantly telling yourself that you are stupid or incompetent?

Constant put-downs are not something you should take from others and you certainly shouldn’t be doing that to yourself. You can’t beat yourself into being a better person. Run yourself down enough and your brain starts to believe what you say.

Martin E. P. Seligman tells us in “Authentic Happiness” There is not a shred of evidence that strength and virtue are derived from negative motivation.

Beating yourself up will not make you try harder or be more moral. At least not in the long run. Some people think that by running themselves down they are preparing themselves for when they fail, softening the blow. What they are in fact doing is creating the failure they fear.

People with delusions of inferiority think others are more capable.

This belief that others are more competent and you are less competent results in setting up high standards for everyone else. People who suffer from delusions of inferiority live a life in which they are constantly disappointed when others do not live up to their expectations.

Another risk for the person with delusions of inferiority is that they will push their offspring to be more than they were. The effort here is to live through their children’s accomplishments. The result is, most often that the child can never be enough to meet this parent’s needs and the next generations of delusions of inferiority are set in place.

You discount your accomplishments.

If you feel that you are inherently defective or flawed you need to discount your accomplishments. Rather than see the things you do as evidence you are just as worthy as others, the person with delusions of inferiority will dismiss their successes as just luck, an accident, the result of someone else helping them; as something of no great value.

Giving yourself a round of applause for something well done will not result in a swelled head or any of those other maladies people who are stingy with compliments fear. There is more danger from not ever hearing praise than from hearing too much.

You find it impossible to accept a compliment.

Do you find it hard to accept compliments? Do you wonder why people say nice things about you? You may have so thoroughly convinced yourself that you are less than others that you think people who are complimenting you are lying.

People with delusions of inferiority will avoid potential friends as they can’t imagine anyone wanting them for a friend.

You seek praise and popularity.

People with low self-worth, delusions of inferiority may constantly seek praise and compliments even when they are unable to accept those compliments. When you do not feel you deserve praise no amount will satisfy your hunger.

There are some thoughts about delusions of inferiority, their causes, and their cures. What do you think about this subject? Do you feel unworthy or are you moving towards the happy life you deserve?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stick out and you will get teased or bullied.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Looking different can get you teased.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Ever wonder why they pick on you?

People who get picked on start to think there is something wrong with them. They write in to my blog and others, asking what is wrong with them. They ask why do people not like them and criticize them. The details are often different but I see a constant theme in these comments and questions. The person who is being picked on starts thinking this has something to do with them.

Humans, and animals too like the familiar. They feel more comfortable when everyone is exactly the same. Anything outside the norm gets noticed and frequently that notice is disapproval. The human version of beauty is largely one of the extreme average. Any deviation from the norm is downgraded.

People who look differently than others get attacked. So do those who act or talk differently. You can be totally average in all respects but one, that one aspect where you have diverged will be the one that gets noticed. This preference for the average, this teasing of those who are different includes physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral characteristics.

There are a few times when fashion dictates that you look “different” but mostly we all want to look different in the same way all our contemporaries do. Tye dye or Goth we all look different in a very average way.

There are a few times when we make exceptions for people who are far enough away from the mean. Really tall men are OK if they play basketball. Very tall women are accepted if they are models. Most of the time though, if you are a few inches taller or a few I.Q. points above average, you will get flack until you find your niche in life. If you can figure out a way to make money off your difference you may get a pass on the teasing. But until you make that money expect the criticism to rain down on you. Even then, just because you become President or Pope, you are not exempt from the attacks on your uniqueness.

Let’s look at some examples of things that will get you teased and then some possible solutions to this teasing. There are solutions that work and ones that do not. The ones most people try are the ones that are unlikely to work.

The Physical, Nose, Ears, Eyes, and Face

No one gets teased because they have an average nose. Let your nose be too long or too short, too flat or too protruding, that unique nose will get criticized. The nose is an easy target for attack. It stands out from the face and is visible.

Ears are easy targets. They stick out also. Big ears or small ones makes no matter. Girls, who get their ears pierced or don’t get them pierced get teased. So do boys.

Are your eyes the wrong color? Which color is in and which is out? Is your hair right or wrong? What is the “in” thing this year? Facial hair goes in and out. You need the same style and length as everyone else if you want to fit in.

Besides the face, people get teased for their weight. Too skinny or too fat. You need to be very close to average if you want to be acceptable. Busts and butts all seem to get graded. Too big, too small, not many just right.

Mental, Emotional, and Behavioral differences get you teased.

The kids who need extra help and struggle, whether it is because of a learning disability or just a different learning style, you will get teased. Can’t hear or see, need glasses? You will get the shunning treatment and maybe even get to ride the short bus. That difference will get you teased also.

Say you are really smart, does that get you out of the teasing queue? Not a chance. If you are smart you get teased because you are not athletic. You athletes do not get off either. Remember all the sayings about dumb jocks?

Whether you are very emotional or not emotional at all you will fall outside the norm and being different in any way results in you standing out. Those who stand out get teased.

The solutions that do not work.

Getting surgically altered.

Plastic surgeons can do wonders these days. If you were born with a birth defect or were injured, plastic surgery may be just the thing for you. Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to go under the knife for the wrong reasons. Having surgery will not make them stop teasing you or make more people like you. You may look different but you are still you and they will find something else to tease you about.

Notice how many people have multiple surgeries. They expected to be beautiful and loved. When the surgery did not produce the miracle they hoped for they blame the doctor or get another surgery.

Being perfect.

Perfection is an illusion. The more you pursue it the further away it will move. Trying to be perfect and satisfy everyone will please no one. Do not cheat yourself out of a life by trying to please others.

Being really good at something.

No matter how many championships you win or how many degrees you have there is always “what you have done lately.” Billionaires still get teased or criticized for their looks or their family.

Eating disorders.

Starving or binging and purging will not get you the positive things you hoped for. A healthy lifestyle is good. Losing some weight may be just what you need to do. But do not think that there is any weight that will get you off the teasing hook. You will just get teased for your diet or exercise plan.

What does work?

Radical acceptance.

Accept yourself as you are. Know that you will get teased and criticized in life. The only people who escape this teasing thing, or maybe they just get less of it than others, are the ones who are totally bland and never stand out in any way. The best way to become a better person is to accept yourself the way you are and then go about become the best you possible.

Successes are the best revenge.

Kids who were teased in elementary school sometimes grow up to be actors, successful businessmen, or brilliant scholars. Success is not all about money or power it is also about creating a life full of purpose and happiness. Stop caring about all those comments about you and go out and live the best life possible.

Thanks to the reader who asked why people teased him and how despite surgeries the teasing did not end. I hope that the reader and others will find something useful in this post.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do you feel unloved? 5 Ways to find love.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Feeling Unloved

Feeling Unloved
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Think you are unlovable? Here are ways to change that.

5 reasons you feel unloved and what to do about them.

Have you ever felt that you were unlovable? That no one will ever love you and that it is impossible to ever find someone who might really care about you? Both clients and commenters on this blog have expressed the belief that somehow they are different and that no one could possibly love them. This is just not so.

Thoughts of worthlessness or of being unlovable are common thoughts and feelings among people in early recovery from emotional and mental issues as well as those recovering from substance use issues.

Being lovable is not about popularity or people-pleasing. Being lovable and finding love in your life is about being the kind of person you want to be and then developing relationships that support you in being your real authentic self. Here are some reasons you may be feeling unloved and what to do about those issues.

You do not like you.

If you do not like yourself you make it difficult for others to like you. The first step in becoming more likable is to work on liking yourself. Become your own best friend. The one important thing you need to do, and it is not an easy thing sometimes, is to stop judging yourself.

Work on feeling better about yourself. One way to increase your feelings of accomplishment and therefore feel better about yourself is to do more worthwhile things. Learn to stop judging yourself or comparing yourself to others. You are you and how you are is OK. Work on being the best you there is, not on trying to be a copy of someone else.

You set unrealistic goals and expectations for yourself.

If you expect to be perfect, then, of course, you will fail to measure up. Judging yourself harshly does not inspire you to work harder. Negative motivation, beating yourself up, is notorious for keeping people down and depressed, not helping them get their life back on track.

Be realistic. Work on small increments of improvement. Give yourself acknowledgments for things done well even if there is still room for improvement. Look at things that are less than perfect as improvement opportunities, not failures.

Someone in childhood judged you harshly.

Realize that if you came from a non-affirming family and nothing you ever did was good enough you may be perpetuating the unlovability fiction by continuing to judge yourself overly harshly. The result is that you do not think you measure up and therefore do not like yourself.

Understand that there have been others in your life that may have had their own scars from life before you existed. People who do not feel good about themselves judge others harshly as a way to make themselves feel better.

If you were treated poorly or even abused, consider that this treatment was not a statement about you and your worth. You may have had sick people in your life. Sick people can do sick things. If you were abused or mistreated do not continue that pattern of abuse by punishing yourself.

You use this unlovable thing to avoid taking the risks of getting close to others.

Some people use the statements “I am unlovable.” Or “no one will ever be able to love me” as excuses for not trying. Why try when you expect to fail? The result is that they do not have to risk, do not have to love, and hope to be loved in return.

This negative attitude reduces the risk but also eliminates the rewards. Avoid the risks of close relationships and you may not be hurt by rejection but you guarantee the pain of loneliness.

You know that you have done some things you should not have done.

Recovery, from whatever you define as your issue, includes the need to forgive yourself for things you may have done but now regret. As you learn more you should do better things. If you see that things you do or have done have harmed others try to make amends, do what you can to make things right. Then accept and forgive yourself and work on becoming a better person.

Those are my take on five reasons people may have developed a belief that they are unlovable or unworthy of love. Begin today to work on loving yourself and treating yourself as someone worthy of love and see how much better your life can become.

For more posts related to this topic see: Love, relationships, and sex  

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to enjoy being alone.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Serene

Serene.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

People stressing you out? Learn to enjoy being alone.

Are you really busy all week? One thing after another to do and most of those things involve doing things for and to please other people? Then suddenly your rapid pace comes to a stop, a day off, a holiday, and you start feeling lonely?

How can you learn to enjoy that time alone?

That down feeling may not be a bad thing.

When all day, every day, is a rush to do with not a minute to yourself you may miss the subtle cues that you are overtired. Accept that feeling exhausted when you are alone does not say anything bad about being alone, it tells you that in the rest of your life you are too focused doing and have not taken the time to let yourself rest.

You need downtime to de-stress and relax. Use your alone time to rest and relax, not to catch up on the household chores. Alone time is the perfect chance to practice gentle kindness and self-care.

Use alone time to take stock of where you are.

Staying busy may be a way to avoid looking at yourself, your situation, and where you want to go. Allow yourself adequate time to just relax and be you. When you are not pushing to make things happen sometimes a thought will pop into your head. Pay attention to those relaxed insights.

Downtime should be a time for reflection and charting your course. When you are surrounded by others the focus is on what they want. Alone time is a chance to focus on what you want and where you are going.

Use alone time to do something you have wanted to do and put off.

Is there something you have been wanting to do but can’t ever seem to fit into your hectic schedule? Use that downtime to do something for you and only you. Read a book, go for a drive. Sit in that yard you worked to care for and watch the birds.

When alone let yourself feel.

Staying busy and engaging with other people is one of the prime ways most of us keep ourselves occupied without getting much accomplished. Busy masks feelings. When you are running from place to place and person to person you may be forgetting to notice how you feel. Feelings are not bad things to be kept at bay by constant activity. Feelings should provide valuable information.

Use your downtime to let yourself feel. Notice the positive happy things in your life. Not much happiness? Then use that downtime to evaluate how you can change you and get more happiness out of the life you live.

Practice your personal skills.

Much of your life with other people is spent on practicing your group skills. Sometimes groups can be productive and helpful, but not all the time. Some things are best done by one and only one person.

Groupthink is no substitute for developing your personal cognitive skills. A group can exercise together and the group support is good sometimes, but there are lots of times that you need to do the exercise yourself if you are going to get the benefits. Use your alone time to work on you.

Use alone time to tackle tasks that require strong concentration.

Anything that requires sustained concentration will benefit from being done during your alone time. People are nice, social skills are valuable, some of the time. But for tasks that require heavy-duty concentration being alone is the ticket.

During your alone time practice your thinking skills.

Thinking is not the same thing as rumination. A common mistake people make when alone is to spend their time thinking about what is wrong and turning the things that bother them over and over in their minds.

Effective use of alone time for thinking is best spent on thinking about what could be, set goals, and clarify values. Take stock of your life but do not judge. Toss the “shoulds and the musts” and focus on the “where you want to go and what you will need to do to get there’s.”

Get your life back in balance.

Life is a balancing act between extroverted and introverted activities. We all need some time around others to be mentally healthy. We also need some time off stage and alone to keep our mental balance.

Even the most strongly extroverted people can benefit from some alone time to get to know themselves and achieve that more balanced place.

You can work on becoming your own best friend.

Use your alone time to get in touch with who you are and what you like. Avoid being a pale reflection of others and develop your inner self.

You can learn to please yourself and live for you.

Too much time surrounded by others, particularly others you need to please, will result in not pleasing yourself. Time alone lets you get clear on your wants and needs and allows you to practice making yourself happy.

Happiness is not an outside job, no one can make you happy in the long run. Living an authentic life, the life you know you were meant to live will maximize your happiness over the long haul.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel