How does a counselor help you create a happy life?

Posted on October 5, 2015 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What would a life coach or counselor do to help you?

The traditional way of thinking about things was that you should just automatically be well and happy and that if you were not then you were sick or there was something wrong with you. If you were sick or mentally ill then you went to the doctor and they gave you some pills to make you better.

Over the last hundred years or so, new ways of looking at things have emerged. First, there was talk therapy, the talking cure that involved going to see a counselor, and talking through your issues. Still, this was mostly deficit-based. You were sick and the professional was supposed to know how to fix you. The sicker you were the more you needed to talk about and the longer you needed to talk.

Recently we have seen some new trends emerging. Healthy living can keep you physically healthy and thinking more helpful thoughts might prevent the occurrence of a mental illness or at least make it get better faster. There are things you can do to work on yourself and the counselor, sometimes now a “life coach”, can help you learn how to create that better less stressful life you want.

Yes, we know that there may be some difficulties that are genetic or the result of trauma or injury, but even for those conditions, there are ways you can reduce your stress and help to keep yourself mentally well.

This new emphasis on mental wellness and recovery has gone by several names. Strength-based counseling and positive psychology are two of the prominent ones. WRAP also belongs on that list.

If you were to go to a life coach or counselor that worked from a more strength-based approach how would they go about helping you? Also, how might you go about preparing to help yourself.

1. Get clear on your values.

A beginning exercise would involve getting clear on your values. Is money important to you? Is family? Which is more important? Lots of people spend time in life pursuing goals only to find out that the things they had to do to get there were not consistent with their values.

There are several good exercises that can help you get clear on your values. You could also spend some time thinking about what is important to you. A good counselor would spend some time with you making sure you know the guiding principles of your life before sending you off on a quest for your happy life.

2. Counselors help you set goals.

Goals are about where you want to go. Values are about how you want to take the trip. Do you want to be wealthy? Why? Are you OK with cheating people to get there or is being honest more important to you than the money?

Now don’t go saying you do not want to be successful you are not all about money. There are lots of other goals that are more important to many people than money. Just if you are working hard to get a good education so you can get a good job so you can make a lot of money is that success if helping the less fortunate was your value?

You could use the money to help others or you might choose to work in a program that paid less but that helped the needy.

Do you want to be a great athlete? Or is a writer more your thing? Maybe being a great father or mother is your priority. No one goal is the “best” in and of itself. Just pick the one that speaks to you and check it against the value yardstick you created in step one.

Most people have several goals and find they need to prioritize them. It takes time to reach goals and you need to be sure you work on the big ones rather than leaving those to a someday that never comes. A good counselor or life coach can help you figure this out.

3. Counselors can help you create a plan to reach goals.

Say your goal was to have more friends. Maybe you are shy and meeting people is hard. The counselor could help you devise a plan to stretch your comfort zone and begin to expand your circle of friends.

4. Counselors can aid you in learning needed skills.

Shy people often lack social or people skills. Rather than saying that this is just the way you are, we used to blame that on your being introverted, your counselor might teach you some social skills and help you create opportunities to practice these skills.

5. A counselor can monitor your progress – hold you accountable.

Having to check in each week and let the counselor know how you did on the homework or practice assignments can motivate you to keep working on your skills. Nothing so keeps you accountable as having to pay that other person each week and knowing you will be largely wasting your money if you pay to go in and tell them you didn’t do the work.

If you find you can’t or don’t want to do the required practice, that is important information for your life change project. Talk this part through and see if it is fear or if the goals are wrong or you picked goals that do not match your values. Some people at this point come to the realization that those goals are not really their goals. They are what their parents wanted for them or what they think they should be working towards.

6. Counselors assist in revising the plan as needed.

When plans do not work or when you breeze through them and decide that goal was too easy, you need to revise your plan. A good counselor can help you keep updating your plans and taking your life game to the next level.

From all these points you can see that none of this is about any diagnosable mental illness. It is about creating a happy life. People with a happy life have way less depression or anxiety and stress, well they just eat that for breakfast.

While this happy life planning may not fit well with staying sick so you can get free therapy, still it can beat the heck out of a not-happy life. Consider investing in and working on a life plan that helps you build the happy, well life you are looking for.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

I woke up – It’s a good morning

Posted on October 4, 2015 by David Joel Miller

Sunday Inspiration Post By David Joel Miller.

Morning

It is a good morning.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Every morning was a cheerful invitation to make my life of equal simplicity, and I may say innocence, with Nature herself.”

― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Sunday seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

Hacks and Life-hacks.

Posted on October 2, 2015 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Is this a hack?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The meaning of “Hack” has changed.

One of my younger colleagues was talking to me about the desirability of “hacks.” This word like so many others has changed its meaning, not because the dictionaries had it wrong, but because people started using the word differently, and then the dictionaries are having to change their definitions to keep up with the way people use the word.

As an old guy, this changing my vocabulary and changing my metaphors so as to be understandable to the younger generation is a challenge. Mentions of Milton Berle get mostly dumb stares these days. The word hack, for me, is especially challenging.

I am familiar with Lifehacking sites, I even subscribe to their email. It is just that I had no idea how many other areas of life were getting hacked these days.

Hack used to be something else.

Hacks used to be cabs you called to take you somewhere. In that sense, I can see the use of the term life hack. These little tips are meant to help you get from where you are to somewhere else, quickly or more easily.

A “Hack” also used to be someone who did things in an unprofessional or half-hearted way. Calling a journalist a “hack” as in writing an uninformed or factually incorrect story was one of the worst things you could say about a member of the third estate. Hack writers were thought of as being unoriginal and mediocre. In that sense, I would not want a hack writing my life hacks.

There is also hacking into computers, as in unauthorized entry and hacking things up with an ax, neither of which seems to be related to those other definitions of hack.

Today Hacks, life or otherwise, have become accepted as short, useful ways to do things better, faster, and more easily. In an era when there is far more skimming than reading going on via the internet, using hacks makes sense. Skimming used to be a bad thing as in taking money out of the till which involved stealing or cheating on your taxes, but today skimming is grabbing the cream off the top of the article without reading every word. See the old guy is catching on.

Henceforth counselorssoapbox.com will be embracing Hacks, – sometimes.

As we look more at how to improve life, wellness, and recovery, and less at diseases and disorders, looks like Hacks have their place. It also appears that a number of the posts on counselorssoapbox.com in the past were in fact “hacks.” How to improve your memory, how to be happy, and so on. I would also include recovery tips in this category. So life hacks will now get their own category.

What about relationship hacks?

Not sure. Some of you youngsters need to let me know how far this hack thing should extend. Do we need friend hacks, memory hacks, etc or can we just lump them all together as life hacks? For now, just an added link to the posts that feature hacks, and you can sort through them or look in the other categories for hacks.

Here is the link to the counselorssoapbox.com life hacks.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Posting your way to unhappiness on Social Media.

Posted on September 30, 2015 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Unhappy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are your social media posts making you emotionally sick?

Writing about your problems and your feelings is a standard treatment in mental health and recovery settings. Researchers tell us that writing about your issues can speed your recovery. They also tell us consistently, in multiple studies, that the more time people spend on social media the less mentally healthy you become. How can we make sense of this? Is writing about your feelings good or bad?

Studies say “expressive writing” can make you healthy and happy.

There are a lot of reasons that talking about and writing about what is on your mind can improve your mental health. It depends however on who you write to and what kind of reaction you want from them.

Writing in a journal or other private place can help you work through difficult things. Exposing yourself online to the attacks of the trolls leads to emotional damage.

Writing out your story brings clarity.

Writing things out can help you explore what you are thinking. It can turn a jumble of feelings into a coherent story of your life and make meaning out of your experiences. It can also expose you to a lot of negative consequences if the trolls get hold of that story.

When we write for friends and supporters we do it to express ourselves. On social media, it is more about hoping for a favorable response. People start measuring the value of what they have written and therefore their self-worth, on how many “friends” they have and how many “likes” they get.

True friends like you no matter what. Trolls feel so bad about themselves that they look for people to pull down. Have you ever know someone who felt so bad about themselves that they needed to put everyone else down in order to feel OK about themselves? Those type trolls gravitate towards social media where they can spew their venom and move on.

One reason that negative comments affect us so deeply, especially online, is the human tendency to compare up. You do not compare your popularity with the person with only one friend – you. We tend to compare ourselves with those who have thousands of friends. Some people wage relentless quests to accumulate the most “fake friends.” There are even places you can buy friends, likes, and followers.

Social media works on intermittent reinforcement just like drugs and slot machines.

One week you get 5 likes on your social media page. This means that people like you right? Next week you get 3 likes. This should equal 8 likes in two weeks. That should be good. What we see however is not that we have now accumulated 8 likes but that this week’s likes are down by 40% a severe decline in your popularity. And you had a couple of snarky comments also. You are now likely to be desperate.

Most people will at this point increase the number of posts they make. If you want to be popular, if you want to have friends and be considered an OK person, you need to be online all the time. You need to put in more posting hours. At this point, you are becoming hooked and your self-worth is dependent on those electronic rewards, the friends, and likes, that pop-up with you say and do the “right” things.

Rewriting changes the ending.

In expressive writing, we can write, rewrite, and revise. This presents opportunities to think more about these feelings and to change them from unhelpful thoughts to more helpful thoughts. Staying up all night posting online, hoping someone will like your results in sleep deprivation, disappointment, and depression.

On-line once you click post you are stuck with the result. One typo and you can kick yourself for being stupid forever. That typo will never be recalled but all the good things you have ever done will fade away.

People who are told that what they are going through is normal may get better.

In counseling and with support systems there is a good chance you will be told that what you are going through is normal and that helps ease the pain of the moment. On-line those fake friends will tell you how they never have that problem and announce to the world all manner of negative things. That has to deflate your self-esteem.

Consider your online presence.

Are your online activities making your life better and happier? Or are you like so many others becoming addicted to social media? The more time you spend on social media the more likely you are to become dependent on the opinions of others and the lower your self-esteem may become.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Counseling for those living with an addict.

Posted on September 28, 2015 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Help for the families of addicts.

Does the addict have you doubting your sanity?

Most of the attention in the addiction and alcoholism field is focused on the addict. For this discussion, I will include alcoholics and alcoholism under the category of addict because – yes – alcohol is a seriously dangerous and addicting drug. Many drug addicts use and abuse alcohol also and when trying to stop they will often turn to alcohol as a crutch.

For every person who is an addict, there are five to eight other people who have been affected by that addict’s drug and alcohol use. The addict gets treatment and has a host of self-help options. For the partners and families of addicts, there are far fewer resources

Living with an addict affects your mental health.

The substance user and abuser will try to find ways to justify and minimize their use. They tell you and themselves that their problem is not that bad. They keep this up until some outside event forces them to face the addiction and even then they may vow to “cut back” or reduce their drug use.

The way the addict describes events will have you doubting your own sanity. You begin to wonder if they ever tell the truth. They repeat stories with such conviction you can’t see how their perception of reality and yours are so different. You may even ask yourself and others if you are going crazy.

While they are away you are dealing with the life wreckage from addiction.

Addiction leaves more destruction in its path than some tornadoes. There are bills to pay, fines, lost jobs, and damaged relationships. There are children to care for. The families of addicts daily deal with cleaning up the mess while asking themselves when it will end.

The addict complains and asks for support while away in jail or rehab. All the while you are trying to hold your life and family together. Then when they come home they may launch back into the old drug use pattern believing that they will now be able to manage their use. Some will embrace recovery and or the 12 step community. Before they were always gone in their addiction and now they are gone in their recovery.

Personally, I think that the addict working the steps is a better outcome. Eventually, as they recover they will begin to function again. But that wait can be more than some family members or spouses can take. You start to wonder if your life will ever get better.

Way more help for addicts than for their families.

Most inpatient rehabs have almost round-the-clock treatment for the addict. If that program offers any help for the family it is probably a couple of hours one day a week. Even if you do get to go most of the focus is on how you can help the addict not on how you can recover from the stress of living with one.

Sometimes family members have drifted into ways of coping with the chaos that comes from living in a home with an addict. You do what you have to do to keep a roof over your families head. Once they are in recovery you may hear things like you are an “enabler” or “codependent.”

You didn’t mean to do anything to keep them using but you can see how the more you did the less they had to do for the family and the more their drug use came first. For many spouses of drug addicts, it is very much like staying with a partner who is having an affair because you and the kids may not have many options.

There are lots of meetings, A.A. and N. A. for the addicts. But for the families not so many. There usually are 25, 50, or even 100 A.A. meetings in a town for every Al-anon Meeting.

The fundamental family mistake.

Many families and most spouses drop the addict off for treatment and say “Here fix him or her.” What is missing is the family nature of the disease of addiction. The whole family is hurting and they all need help.

Please do not say that the kids do not know what is going on. That is rarely the truth. Most of the time even the little ones know way more than you think they do.

In my work, especially in private practice, I see a fair number of family members. Mostly they come in looking for ways to get the addict to stop using or go into treatment. There are small things we can do but counseling does not do much for the person who is not in the room.

You have been stressed, traumatized, made anxious and depressed by living with the addict.

The spouse or family member of the addict is generally so stressed out and traumatized by living with the addict they are no longer functioning effectively. What they need desperately is some counseling or coaching or how to function more effectively themselves.

Sometimes the family needs some perspective. They need to hear that they did not make the addict use. They may not be perfect. There are often things in the family that went wrong. But the choice to cope with problems by drinking and using, that was all the addicts’ choice.

You may also need to hear that drugs mess up memory and that addicts tell lies so often they begin to believe them. You are not going crazy. But they may be telling you things they believe that are nowhere near true.

Families always seem to want a magic formula to get the addict to stop using. What you need to know is that there may be things that encourage or discourage drug and alcohol use but there is nothing you can do to keep them from using if the addict chooses to use. Yes, Virginia, even in prison drug addicts find ways to drink and use.

If you live or have lived with an addict you should seek help.

If you are living with an addict or have one you’re related to that may be coming home soon I encourage you to get some help for yourself. Seek help not for how to stay involved in their addiction and recovery by doing for them. Look for help for yourself on how to cope with the situation you are in. Work on acceptance, that you are in charge of you, but you can’t control their drugs.

Look for help for you? Consider Al-anon. There are counselors and coaches that can help you. Some parts of this may be covered by insurance but after all you will pay for fines and lawyers and treatment, you need to invest some resources in getting the rest of the family help also.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Autumn is upon us

Posted on September 27, 2015 by David Joel Miller

Sunday Inspiration Post By David Joel Miller.

Autumn

Autumn
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Autumn…the year’s last, loveliest smile.”

― William Cullen Bryant

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Sunday seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

What is non-medical counseling?

Posted on September 23, 2015 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

You do not have a mental illness but counseling may still help.

Do you have problems getting along with a spouse?

Has it been difficult adjusting to a new job or a new town? Kids won’t mind or you are having financial and legal difficulties?

Do you have “anger issues?”

All these things and many more may be reasons to seek counseling, even though you do not have a diagnosable mental illness.

Getting help for these issues early may mean you can live a better life and not have your problems become a mental illness.

There is nothing noble about suffering for long time periods when help is available.

There are a whole slew of life problems that might need working on but they do not rise to the level we would recognize as a mental illness. These issues are listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders (DSM-5 is a registered trademark of the APA) even though they are not mental disorders.

The idea behind including these issues is that they cause significant distress to clients. These issues bring people into the offices of doctors, therapists, counselors, and even judges, but they are not at this point in time considered a mental illness.

The result of these distinctions is that while you may want or need help in these areas you will need to look for other sources of help than the doctor and probably your issuance will not cover treatment for them.

EAP’s and Non-Medical Counseling.

Many employee assistance plans will offer you a few sessions with a counselor to work on these issues. They find it is cheaper and better to help employees overcome outside work issues than to let them go and then have to hire and train new employees. So if you have an EAP plan look for help there first.

You may have insurance coverage for some Non-medical counseling issues.

A few medical insurance plans or Behavioral insurance plans, to be more precise, also cover these issues. For some problems of living, you can get other help. Most of these problems have such severe impacts on people’s lives they need treating even if your insurance does not cover them. Private therapists and counselors can help here.

About Life Coaches.

Recently we have seen a proliferation of “life coaches” who also can help you work on life issues that need help but are not technically mental illnesses. Some of these coaches have training and can be very helpful, others have minimal training and will miss when you really need to see a trained professional. Until this gets sorted out and there is some kind of licensing for life coaches, I recommend you seek out a licensed person even if what you need is non-medical counseling or coaching. Most professional counselors are happy to work on life coaching issues also.

First some background and then the list of problems.

In the U. S. we have been used to using the DSM (Currently the DSM-5) for mental illnesses. In the rest of the world, they use the International Classification of Diseases. As of October 1, 2015, the U.S. is switching to use the numbering system the rest of the world uses. We also updated the names that we use to more closely align with the rest of the world. The result, the numbers, and names have changed for some things so you will see multiple names and numbers for those things and some things will get split while others got combined. Do not let the professional’s confusion confuse you.

V Codes and Z Codes.

I have sorted this list to make it easier to write about so the list does not exactly follow the DSM. Things called “V codes” are the old number and the “Z codes” are the new ones. Sometimes two problems had or have one number and others have or had no number. This is not a full list, for that see the DSM-5. I just wanted you to see the flavor of things that might bring someone to counseling which is not technically a mental illness.

Relationship issues

Partner Relational V61.10 Z63.0

Parent-Child V61.12 Z62.820

Sibling Relational VV61.8 Z62.891

Abuse and neglect (victims) V61.12, V61.21, V62.83

Perpetrators of Abuse get a 995 point something number (now a T number)

Nightmare Treatments.

Posted on September 21, 2015 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Nightmares maintain depression and PTSD.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

What are the top Nightmare treatments?

Many people have an occasional “bad dream.” But some people, and you know this if you are one of them, have frequent recurrent nightmares. An occasional episode of a bad dream is probably no big deal, though if you just had one last night it may be very disturbing today.

Technically we think there are differences between bad dreams, nightmares, and night terrors. Night Terrors are when you wake up in a panic and possibly screaming but can’t remember what was happening just before. A “bad dream” is when you do not wake up till morning but you remember the disturbing dream. Nightmares are the worst for most people. This is when the dream wakes you up and you remember what it was about. Not everyone uses the same meanings for this which makes reading articles on negative dreams confusing.

What caused the Nightmare?

Treatment for nightmares partially depends on what is causing them, or more specifically what the content of the nightmare is about. Is there a specific trigger for your dream?

Children can begin to have nightmares after watching a particularly scary movie. This I think of as “contamination.” You see or hear about something that happened somewhere else to someone else and your mind begins to process this. Avoiding things that trigger you can help.

Sometimes we are going through a difficult time at work or school. If your department is being reorganized and you are having scary dreams, nightmares even, about being laid off, fired, or transferred, then we can work on these in a very specific way.

The most difficult nightmares to have and to treat are dreams about real-life trauma that has happened to you. Nightmares about past trauma can perpetuate your mental health issues. Nightmares play a role in keeping you depressed or in maintaining your Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD.)

Rule out medical causes of nightmares.

Medical issues, especially breathing problems during sleep, can be a cause of bad dreams and nightmares. It pays to talk with your medical doctor and be sure that there are no underlying medical problems that are causing or worsening your nightmares. This “medical rule out” is a good idea for all mental illnesses.

The talk approach to reducing nightmares.

This is the starting point for most treatment. In this system, you work on remembering your dreams, good and bad. Often people keep a diary or pad of paper by the bed and upon awakening then write down anything they can remember about the dreams they have been having that night. If you get up and do things before writing you will lose most of the content of the dreams. Write a few things down and you have a better chance of recalling more details of the dream.

This dream record then can become the basis of your discussion with your counselor. For simple non-threatening dream work, you may want to work with a friend or group and do a mutual discussion of your dreams.

What you want to avoid here is repeatedly talking about dreams based on real trauma. Going over and over the story of your rape or abuse will reinforce it not reduce it. For dreams that are maintaining PTSD or complex trauma, you need to work with a more specialized professional.

Medication for nightmares.

Medication has its place in managing Nightmares. If you are currently under stress you may need medication to sleep. Say you are having to testify in a case involving a crime you witnessed or that happened to you. You need to be able to sleep to get through this. Seeing your doctor is a good idea.

Soldiers in a combat zone may need medication so they sleep and are alert the next day. Not sleeping the night before can get you or someone else killing in this kind of situation. You may be able to talk with a comrade but even that is difficult. The middle of combat is no time for any lengthy therapy.

Medications have one disadvantage. They suppress dreaming but they do not eliminate the need to dream. In dreaming our minds process the events of the dream. Your dream and the memory wait in line to be worked on. When you stop the meds the memories can come back and they have had time to bulk up and become scarier than before.

Image rehearsal therapy.

This method has some good research to back it up and has worked across a range of different types of nightmares from children with scary monster dreams to victims of abuse and violence. In working with a counselor to use this method you focus more on learning the skill of imagery rehearsal than on discussing the specifics of your nightmare. Here is the basic process. I recommend that you try doing this with a professional to avoid creating other problems while working on the nightmare.

You keep track of your nightmare. A written journal helps but if you can remember it well you can do it that way. Ask yourself what would need to happen for the dream to be less scary.

Say in your nightmare an ex breaks into the house and beats you up. This is based on a history of the ex. stalking you and trying to harm you. You imagine putting a metal door on your house. You imagine installing a deadbolt and an alarm that automatically calls the police if someone tries to break in. Imagine the ex tries to break in and the police are called and they catch and arrest him.

If you practice this new less scary dream each night before you fall asleep many people will discover that they have the new less scary dream. If you can imagine the new ending and can learn to recognize that you are dreaming, a process called lucid dreaming, you can in effect rewrite the dream and over time it will get processed and become less of a problem.

Scheduled Awakenings.

This is a new method. I have not read a lot about it and can’t tell you if it really works. People who have tried everything else without success have reported this one helped them.

In sleep, we cycle through deep and shallow sleep about every 90 minutes. As we age you may find yourself waking up every 90 minutes or so. It is in these cycles that dreaming occurs. So if you set an alarm clock to wake you up every 90 minutes or so it could stop the dream cycle before the dream gets really scary.

The goal here is to wake up to the alarm before the nightmare, set the alarm, and go back to sleep. This will result in choppy sleep. You may need more time in bed but you can theoretically get a full 8 hours of sleep and that without nightmares. Over time the nightmares should reduce. If any of you have tried this let me know how it worked.

Have you used any of these methods and how did they work for you? Has anything else helped you to reduce nightmares?

You might also want to take a look at other sleep and dream related posts that have been published here on counselorssoapbox.com.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Good Morning

Posted on September 20, 2015 by David Joel Miller

Sunday Inspiration Post By David Joel Miller.

Good Morning
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Good Morning! Good Afternoon! Good Night! These are not just mere greetings.

They are powerful blessings, setting the best vibration for the day. Hence, whether it is morning, afternoon or night, make sure that you say your greeting right!”

― Franco Santoro

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Sunday seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

Do you have anger issues?

Posted on September 16, 2015 by David Joel Miller

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anger.
Picture courtesy of Pixabay.

When should you seek counseling for your anger issues?

Anger and “anger issues” are one of the more common problems that result in people calling my office for a counseling appointment. Having anger building up inside you can harm you. All those excess stress hormones are really hard on your heart and other organs.

But anger, an excess of that stuff, can also damage relationships with family, friends, and those you work with. Untreated anger issues may result in the police being called and you going to jail. Excess anger also results in lost jobs and in divorces.

In extreme cases, too much anger will get you locked up and court-ordered to 26 weeks of anger management classes or 52 weeks of batterer’s treatment classes. Out of control anger can make a mess out of your life.

That must mean that anger is one of the more common and major mental illnesses, right? Wrong.

Despite all the problems an excess of anger can bring it is not recognized as a mental illness. Say what? Yes, you read that right. We think anger, rather than being any one specific mental or emotional illness is a “secondary” emotion. That is you are feeling one thing but you end up expressing this other feeling as anger. When hurt, emotionally or psychically hurt, many of us express this as anger.

Regardless of what is causing your anger or why you are angry, counseling can help you tame that anger beast.

There are several reasons you might need to go for some anger management counseling.

You do not like the person you become when you are angry.

If your anger is bothering you then it is time to see a counselor. This is true of a whole lot of other unpleasant or negative emotions. You do not need to be mentally ill to seek out counseling. If you do things when angry, sad, or anxious you would not do otherwise, that is a bad sign. Just having to live with that anger all the time can make you miserable.

Some of you are thinking that you are in a situation where another person is always “making you angry.” Do not let that stop you from seeking help. You can learn ways to turn the volume down on your anger so you become less angry and angry less often or your counselor may help you with some life coaching to change the situation so that you are not going to get your anger triggered.

Your anger is interfering with your relationships.

Any time an emotional, mental, or behavioral issue interferes with your relationships with family and friends that need attention. This may be an indication of a mental illness or it may just be stress. Either way, you need help for anything that is damaging your relationships.

Humans need other people. Having a good group of supportive people around you improves the quality of your life. Do not let anger drive your friends and family away and leave you unsupported.

Anger is affecting your work or schooling.

If you miss work or get in trouble on the job because of anger or other emotional flare-ups, this means that your feelings are a problem that needs attention. If you are not working but are in school then we consider going to school and doing your homework your job. Wish I could convince kids who tell me they don’t want to go to school, that school is their job and if they can’t do that one they may need to work on their being homeless skills.

Your anger has interfered with other things you used to like to do.

If you used to play softball or go bowling but because of your anger and fights you got into you can’t go there any more than your anger has been and continues to be a problem. Letting anger or any other emotional issue cut you off from things that make you happy is a bad idea. Life should be more than working and suffering. Try restructuring your life to make it a life worth living.

That is the short list, you may think of other reasons you need to go see a counselor or life coach. Just remember you do not need to wait until your problems become serious mental illnesses before you seek help. Have you put up with anger for longer than you need to? Is it time for you to get some help, learn some skills, to get that anger creature out of your life?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What would a life coach or counselor do to help you?

1. Get clear on your values.

2. Counselors help you set goals.

3. Counselors can help you create a plan to reach goals.

4. Counselors can aid you in learning needed skills.

5. A counselor can monitor your progress – hold you accountable.

6. Counselors assist in revising the plan as needed.

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The meaning of “Hack” has changed.

Hack used to be something else.

Henceforth counselorssoapbox.com will be embracing Hacks, – sometimes.

What about relationship hacks?

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Are your social media posts making you emotionally sick?

Studies say “expressive writing” can make you healthy and happy.

Writing out your story brings clarity.

Social media works on intermittent reinforcement just like drugs and slot machines.

Rewriting changes the ending.

People who are told that what they are going through is normal may get better.

Consider your online presence.

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Help for the families of addicts.

Does the addict have you doubting your sanity?

Living with an addict affects your mental health.

While they are away you are dealing with the life wreckage from addiction.

Way more help for addicts than for their families.

The fundamental family mistake.

If you live or have lived with an addict you should seek help.

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You do not have a mental illness but counseling may still help.

There is nothing noble about suffering for long time periods when help is available.

EAP’s and Non-Medical Counseling.

You may have insurance coverage for some Non-medical counseling issues.

About Life Coaches.

First some background and then the list of problems.

V Codes and Z Codes.

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What are the top Nightmare treatments?

What caused the Nightmare?

Rule out medical causes of nightmares.

The talk approach to reducing nightmares.

Medication for nightmares.

Image rehearsal therapy.

Scheduled Awakenings.

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When should you seek counseling for your anger issues?

That must mean that anger is one of the more common and major mental illnesses, right? Wrong.

You do not like the person you become when you are angry.

Your anger is interfering with your relationships.

Anger is affecting your work or schooling.

Your anger has interfered with other things you used to like to do.

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