A counselorssoapbox.com video by David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC
Are you one of those people who struggles with decisions? Does your family or friends call you indecisive? There may be several reasons why you find it hard to make decisions. Struggling with decisions uses up a lot of mental capacity and may result in confusion or even memory challenges. In this video we will explore 6 different types of decisions and why you may find it difficult to choose.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Perfectionism.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
The word perfection is used in two very different ways. Striving to be the best you can be and make things better sounds like a good thing. Saying that a summer day or vacation was perfect sounds like a high compliment. But there’s a dark underside to the quest for perfection. When your focus shifts from making things better to an emphasis on detecting flaws, perfectionism can make you and the people around you miserable. Perfectionism can turn out to be a very destructive form of self-sabotage. Here are some ways in which perfectionism may be harming you.
More than one writer who waited to send their book off to a publisher until it was perfect died with their book never submitted. Continuing to work on something until it’s perfect, means that that one project will never be finished. Perfectionism is a prime enemy of creativity and productivity. In generating new ideas, it’s essential to allow them to grow and develop, not keep them bottled up until every flaw has been filed away.
Whether it’s the perfect look or the latest fashion, focusing on outside appearances rather than the intrinsic qualities of things can cause you a lot of harm. Character, whether it’s in people or things, comes from the wear and tear of life.
Trying to govern your life by rigid control standards is not a way to be perfect, it’s a way to make you and all those around you miserable. Lots of arbitrary rules don’t improve performance, but it does destroy creativity and spontaneity. A life ruled by long lists of musts and shoulds is oppressive.
The constant emphasis on perfectionism can end up being a mental filter in which you never see the good in anything but instead always detect a flaw. The focus on perfectionism in everything can rob you of the ability to accept people and things the way they are. Allow each person to be unique and individual rather than require them all to meet your preconceived notion of the correct way to be.
Saying you will wait until something can be done perfectly, is an alibi for never doing it at all. Perfecting any talent requires repeated practice. Saying you won’t do something until you can do it perfectly, robs you of all the opportunities to practice and improve on what you’re doing.
This is sometimes called paralysis by analysis. You go on searching for years for the perfect piece of furniture or the ideal automobile, all the while coping with a rickety old chair or a car that needs repeated repair. Part of life is developing the ability to make decisions. Some of those decisions will turn out better than others. But not deciding is a decision to do nothing. Rarely is doing nothing the perfect solution.
Don’t let your belief that there is only one correct way to do something, prevent you from seeing other opportunities when they present themselves. The “correct” way of keeping financial records on green column paper from the nineteen fifties is a very inefficient way to keep those same records in the modern computer era. New technologies, new materials, and new environments all call for changing your mind. Businesses that fail to change with the times eventually ceased to exist.
Trying to do everything yourself severely limits what you can accomplish. Perfectionists can be very hard to live with. Since they believe the way they do it is the one and only way it should be done, they find it very difficult to delegate anything. Whether it’s at work or in relationships, there needs to be a sharing of tasks. If you insist that you will do everything, you’ll become cynical about other people and risk ending up living and working alone. Loneliness is not on the path to improvement.
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
Sunday Inspiration. Post by David Joel Miller.
Daylight Savings.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
My calendar tells me today is the day we enter daylight savings time. Hopefully, you’ve already changed your clocks. With all the years of my life, I’ve saved this time; I wonder what happened all those extra hours. Here are some thoughts about daylight savings time. While this is not exactly a feeling, the change is sure to create feelings in most of us.
“Out of the effort to cut back on civilian use of fuel, it was the Federal Fuel Administration that first introduced daylight saving time a year later, in 1918.”
― Arthur Herman, 1917: Vladimir Lenin, Woodrow Wilson, and the Year That Created the Modern Age
“There are very few things in the world I hate more than Daylight Savings Time. It is the grand lie of time, the scourge of science, the blight on biological understanding.”
― Michelle Franklin
“I object to being told that I am saving daylight when my reason tells me that I am doing nothing of the kind… At the back of the Daylight Saving scheme, I detect the bony, blue-fingered hand of Puritanism, eager to push people into bed earlier, and get them up earlier, to make them healthy, wealthy, and wise in spite of themselves.”
― Robertson Davies, The Papers of Samuel Marchbanks
I wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.
Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.
Anger triggers – what get you angry? – Video.
A counselorssoapbox.com video by David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC
Learning to recognize what’s triggering your anger is a first step in learning to manage your anger. In this video, we look at possible anger triggers and how to recognize when you becoming angry.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Good Relationship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Every relationship has its ups and downs. Those happy, feel-good movies always seem to end at the wedding. With more than half of all marriages ending in divorce and a lot of people moving in and out of relationships without ever marrying, what will tell if your relationship is headed in the right direction?
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that the way to tell if your relationship is happy is to take a hard look at your partner. In most failed relationships, both parties believe the problem was the other person. To predict a good relationship, take a hard look at yourself and see how you may have changed as a part of this relationship.
Who you are isn’t a fixed commodity. While some likes and dislikes may be with you for a lifetime, many people find their personality changes gradually across the lifespan. We change because of life experiences, new learning, and we often change in relationships. While primary sexual relationships may change people in easily identifiable ways, your relationship with your children, your boss, and coworkers can also impact how you see yourself.
If you found that your self-confidence and self-esteem have declined since you been in this relationship, that’s a bad sign. While every relationship has its challenges and fluctuations, your interactions with your partner should leave you feeling loved and supported, not worthless.
When couples come for marriage counseling, they often complain that the problem is their communication. While that’s sometimes true, more often, the problem is neither one of them has worked on themselves. The most troublesome issues in relationships are often the baggage people brought with them when they moved in together.
If you got into the relationship expecting that your partner would fix you and make you happy, you’re headed for disappointment. People with this point of view often get into another relationship as quickly as they can, thinking that changing partners will fix them. Two sick people don’t make for a healthy relationship. Both parties in a relationship should be working on their own issues and improving together, not expecting their partner to make them okay.
If you enter a relationship telling yourself that you will change them or planning that your partner will need to change in some way, even if that partner says they’re willing, you’re headed in the wrong direction. Under stress, people revert to their customary behavior. Life can be stressful especially when you’re in a close intimate relationship. If you’re starting out thinking your partner will need to change for this to work, think again.
Nobody’s perfect, and everybody may disagree. But if you continuously are finding fault with your partner, look at yourself and why you selected a partner like that. If having your partner disagrees threatens your self-esteem, that’s not a good sign for either of you or the relationship. People in healthy relationships can work through issues together. They can agree to disagree, or they can find solutions that will meet both of their needs.
A healthy relationship is one in which you can express your thoughts and feelings. If there are topics that you can’t talk about and things you’re not allowed to say, in the presence of your partner, you probably are not in a healthy relationship.
While it should be okay for you to say things, that doesn’t excuse blurting out rude or hurtful words. You can’t justify your lack of tact by saying you are just being honest. It’s tough to stay in a relationship when your partner is always running down your family, your friends, or the work you do.
In the early stages of most relationships, people want to spend a tremendous amount of time together. As the relationship progresses, one person may start to wonder if now that there is an us, do I still get to be me? You should still be able to engage in hobbies and activities that you use to enjoy before you became a couple. You shouldn’t have to give up your likes and personality and always do with your partner wants. In healthy relationships, there’s a good balance of doing things together and people being able to have their separate activities.
Sometimes it’s not so much the disagreement, but the way it’s expressed. When you disagree, can you do it without stonewalling, attacking, criticizing, and blaming? Disagreeing about a topic is something you can work through. Using your communication as a way of crushing your partner to bend them to your will, is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship. If disagreements turn into personal attacks, pointing out the other’s faults, or looking for blame, you’re communicating in a very unhealthy manner. Relationships that include a lot of refusals to talk about things and the silent treatment are headed for trouble.
Healthy relationships are characterized by people’s ability to make joint decisions that are in the interest of both parties. If your relationship involves one person just going ahead and doing what they want without consulting the other, that’s a very problematic sign. One person in the relationship shouldn’t always have to give in. Joint decisions don’t have to be win-lose. The goal here should be to find solutions to problems that work for both of you.
To maintain a healthy relationship, positive interactions need to exceed negative interactions significantly. When you think about your relationship, if all you remember the bad times, you’re in an unhealthy relationship. There need to be plenty of times when you feel joyful and happy. If you’re not satisfied and you never experience joy, either your relationship is bad or you came into the relationship already unhappy and made your partner responsible for your happiness. Work on being happy all by yourself and you’ll have a happier relationship.
If your relationship is characterized by trust issues, you must ask yourself why. Is it because you don’t trust yourself? Have you done things you know violated your partner’s trust? Or has your partner done things repeatedly that violate your trust?
The inability to let things go to be both a personal and a relationship issue. If every time there’s a disagreement, one or both of you bring up stuff from years gone by, your either in an unhealthy relationship or you’re creating it being unhealthy.
Being intimate or close involves more than just sex. Intimate also includes sharing your feelings and sharing experiences. Do you go to for walks together? Do you talk with each other? Joint activities increase the emotional connection.
When you have challenges in your life, who do you go to? In healthy relationships, it’s the partner people seek out to talk to. If you find yourself going to family or friends instead of your partner, it’s either a sign you’re in an unhealthy relationship or your lack of willingness to communicate with your partner is taking you in that direction.
Don’t make the mistake of believing that if you were with a particular person that you’ll be happy. Don’t expect to wait until you achieve one specific goal or buy a certain thing, and then you’ll be happy. If you’re not satisfied with the journey, you’re very unlikely to be pleased with the destination. Learn to make yourself as happy as possible each day and you’re making an excellent contribution to a healthy relationship.
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
Sunday Inspiration. Post by David Joel Miller.
Overwhelmed.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.”
― Abraham Lincoln
“Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.”
― Bertrand Russell
“It is quite possible–overwhelmingly probable, one might guess–that we will always learn more about human life and personality from novels than from scientific psychology”
― Noam Chomsky
Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.
Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.
A counselorssoapbox.com video by David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC
Parentified children grow up too soon. They often must take care of siblings or work at an early age. Children in dysfunctional homes don’t get a chance to be children. This can result in problems when they become adults. This video discusses the signs that you may be a Parentified child.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Overwhelmed.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Stress is a normal part of life. During the night, when you sleep, the body produces stress hormones which is one reason that with adequate sleep, you can jump out of bed in the morning. Throughout the day, those stress hormones should be used up and by the end of the day, you should feel tired and ready to rest again. When you become overwhelmed and stressed out through the day, this can lead to damaged physical and mental health, mental illness, and job burnout. Here are some of the symptoms that should become overwhelmed and stressed out.
Anxiety should be restricted to those times when you are in a dangerous or difficult situation. If you feel anxious all the time and the smallest thing startles you, your anxiety is getting excessive and you may be developing a mental illness called generalized anxiety disorder.
Your body should reset to a normal non-anxious state when the anxiety-producing situation ends. If you’re starting to feel like things are getting on your last nerve, that’s not normal. Once you start feeling like your nerves are shot, you’re headed for difficulty and should seek professional assistance before you completely burnout.
One of the early signs of burnout, excessive stress, is when you feel physically and emotionally exhausted, and you are no longer able to rest during your time off. Occasionally going through a stressful period and being exhausted is normal. But if you’re not able to recover during your downtimes, you’re seriously overwhelmed.
With any physical symptoms, you should always check with a doctor first. But if you discover that you’re finding it hard to breathe when you’re anxious, possibly even having panic attacks, your body may be telling you you’ve reached the limit of your ability to manage stress.
Your body reacts to emotional stress in the same way it reacts to physical stress. If you are developing aches and pains and there doesn’t seem to be a physical cause your body may be telling you, you’re under too much emotional stress.
When a small child is sick, they become irritable and push people away. Adults who are under a lot of stress and become overwhelmed become irritable. Irritability and even anger is a way of pushing people away and creating the space you need to rest up from excessive stress.
The inability to feel pleasure is one of the symptoms of depression. There’s a lot of overlap between major depressive disorder a diagnosable mental illness, and excessive levels of anxiety. Too much stress in your life can leave you overwhelmed, burned out, and can lead to depression and anxiety.
Having difficulty sleeping, or sleeping longer than usual and still not feeling rested our both signs of depression. Milder brief episodes of these sleep changes may be simply the result of too much stress. But if you change in sleeping habits goes on for very long, you should see a mental health professional before it turns into debilitating major depressive disorder.
Changes in appetite can also be a sign of difficulty adjusting to stress or the beginning of a mental illness. When depressed, some people find it difficult to eat, while other people cope with their stress by emotional eating. If you develop sudden cravings for sweets and carbohydrates, it may be the result of depression or another mental illness.
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
Sunday Inspiration. Post by David Joel Miller.
Attention.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it. (21)”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life
“I pay no attention whatever to anybody’s praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings.”
― Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
“The writer should never be ashamed of staring. There is nothing that does not require his attention.”
― Flannery O’Connor
“We must do our work for its own sake, not for fortune or attention or applause.”
― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art.
Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.
Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.
Recommended Mental Health Books
David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using the link on this page. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.
A counselorssoapbox.com video by David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC
Do you have trouble forgetting the painful past? Do the traumas and mistakes of the past make it difficult to enjoy life in the present? There are reasons why your brain wants to remember the pain and can’t remember happy life events. This video explores why you can’t forget the pain of the past and ways to shift the balance, so you remember more happy things and fewer unpleasant events.
counselorssoapbox 