Tag Archives: Emotional intelligence

What are character strengths and virtues?

Posted on by
Reply

What are character strengths and virtues?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

What are character strengths and virtues?

The idea of character strengths and values comes from Peterson and Seligman’s book Character Strengths and Virtues, where I was first introduced to the concept of universal strengths and values.

They studied a wide variety of cultures, current and ancient, and concluded that twenty-four fundamental character strengths or virtues are valued by almost all cultures. There is an online test that you can take that will give you your rankings. I think there are several versions of this test, but the free one I use is found at viacharacter.org  A similar test is available on the Gallup Strength Finders website.

My take on this is that you may be high in all the virtues or low in all, but the most significant thing to look at is your top character strengths. I would recommend looking at the top five. You might also want to look at the bottom five, which are sometimes called underdeveloped strengths.

Here is a condensed list of their character strengths and virtues list.

The descriptions below are my rough paraphrases of my understanding of these characteristics. I hope I’ve gotten them close to the original concepts of Peterson and Seligman. Each of these 24 virtues includes several related words or ideas. For example, creativity, the first one below, would also include originality, ingenuity, and similar characteristics.

Creativity.

This might be artistic, but it might also be new and novel ways to put things together and to do things.

Curiosity.

The curious person likes exploring and discovering, finds new topics and subjects fascinating, and likes having new experiences just for the sake of experiencing something for its own sake.

Judgment.

The strength of judgment involves looking at things from all sides, weighing the evidence, and not jumping to conclusions. It includes an openness to changing your mind when new information is found. People who use the strength think things through and examine them carefully.

Love of Learning.

This is related to curiosity but goes beyond simple curiosity. It includes learning more about various topics and bodies of knowledge and mastering new skills. Some people do this in schools, and some people simply study many subjects on their own. People who love to learn continue to explore new fields of knowledge just for the joy of learning.

Perspective.

This involves being able to look at situations and facts from all sides. Someone with perspective may be good at giving others advice. People with perspective can make sense of the world for themselves and others.

Perseverance.

The characteristic of sticking to it or continuing on a course even when the going gets hard and overcoming obstacles. People with perseverance enjoy finishing what they started.

Honesty.

People who are high in honesty value genuineness and act in sincere ways. You can count on what they say to conform to the facts. They don’t try to slant information to make themselves look better; they can take responsibility for what they say, do, and feel.

Zest.

The character strength of Zest has been connected to living a long happy life. People with a zest for living approach everything they do with excitement and energy. They are either all in or all out, but not halfhearted. People with Zest feel alive and ready to go. Him

Love.

Love is one of the more challenging emotions or values to pin down. I think a lot of people confuse love with several other emotions. If you look at an old dictionary, there will be a whole page of definitions for the word love. The way the character strengths and virtues test applies the virtue of love is someone who values being close and having good relationships with others. They seek out reciprocal relationships where they can both give and receive love. Someone high in the characteristic of love prefers being close to other people.

Kindness.

This value goes beyond simply doing nice things for the less fortunate. It includes both favors and good deeds, helping others and non-possessive taking care of them.

Social Intelligence.

The way character strengths and virtues define social intelligence seems to parallel the concept of emotional intelligence. It’s the ability to understand both the feelings and the motives of others. It’s knowing what to do and not do to fit in with groups in social situations. I think a lot of people who define themselves as introverts, in fact, have social anxiety and avoid others because they don’t know what to do to fit into social situations. Developing more Social Intelligence can help you overcome natural feelings of shyness.

Teamwork.

Some people are real team players, and others are individualists. I think back to high school when some guys from the basketball, baseball, and water polo teams. Other people preferred track, wrestling, and other individual sports. There are advantages to working well as a member of a team and being loyal to your group. There’s also a place for individuality.

Fairness.

Fairness involves giving everyone a fair chance. We all have our own concepts of what’s there and what’s just. People who practice fairness try not to let their feelings bias their decisions about everyone else.

Leadership.

Many companies put their management staff through leadership training classes. The skill of leadership is much more than simply being the boss and telling people what to do. Leadership skills are not limited to rewards and punishments. The leader should use techniques to encourage the group and get members to cooperate in accomplishing their shared goals and purposes.

Forgiveness.

People who are high in forgiveness can let wrongdoing go and give people a second chance.

Humility.

Characterized by letting your work and accomplishments speak for themselves. Not thinking you are special or better than others.

Prudence.

Prudent people are careful about their choices and tend to be risk-avoidant. The kind of people who like to think things over so they don’t do something they’ll regret later.

Self-Regulation.

Self-regulated people are highly disciplined. They can control themselves, both their actions and their emotions.

Appreciation Of Beauty.

People with this virtue quickly notice and appreciate something that’s well-made. They enjoy beauty and appreciate people who are skilled in many areas.

Gratitude.

Gratitude is a virtue that is highly connected to good mental health. It involves noticing and appreciating the good things when they happen. Cultivating a practice of gratitude can help reduce excessive negativity. This trait includes giving thanks for the good things that happened to them.

Hope.

People who are high in hope can see the possibilities for the future and are willing to work to reach them. Hope counterbalances negativity. Having hope allows you to do work now in the present, expecting that there will be rewards in the future.

Humor.

Humor is the virtue of playfulness. People who are high in humor can laugh and play. They can tease and accept teasing. People who are high in humor make you smile.

Spirituality.

Spirituality is sometimes connected with religion, but it can exist apart from a specific faith. Spirituality can lead to finding your meaning and purpose in life and your place in the universe.

What were my top character strengths?

I was frankly a little surprised when I first took this test, but after closer analysis, all of my top five made a great deal of sense. Here are my top five with some personal comments.

  1. Love of learning.

Hardly a shock since I have been going to school now for over seventy years, either taking classes or teaching them, and just this year, 2024, I have completed yet another online extension class.

  1. Creativity.

That need for creativity might explain why I have written several blogs, published seven books, been a photographer, and have a YouTube channel.

  1. Curiosity.

I think this goes hand-in-hand with my love of learning. It also goes well with my work life. In working with clients, I am incredibly curious about their lives and how they are coping.

  1. Humor.

Definitely nothing funny about that. I take my humor very seriously.

  1. Zest.

I enjoy my life, and I’m constantly seeking out new challenges.

How about you?

What things are important to you in setting goals and planning your life? What are your top character strengths and virtues, and how are you using them to create a fulfilling, positive, happy life?

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Ways to Increase Emotional Intelligence.

Posted on by
1

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

What is she feeling?

Emotional Intelligence.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Characteristics of emotional intelligence.

The whole concept of what intelligence is has changed over the decades.  The idea of having an intelligence quotient or IQ was meant to be helpful in deciding how much someone was capable of learning.  We thought if we knew exactly how smart they were, we might be able to help them learn better and faster.  Knowing someone’s absolute IQ might also keep people from having an unrealistic expectation of people with an intellectual disability.

In practice, this concept has proved to have some problems.  There is some question about written IQ tests and exactly what it is they are measuring or not measuring.  It would appear that the thing we measure as an intelligence quotient may not be a single quality.  Someone’s intelligence may, in fact, be made up of the number of separate intelligence’s, skills, that involve different abilities. Their abilities in each of the skill areas May be quite different.

Which brings us to the idea of emotional intelligence.  I think we all have seen examples of people with a presumably high IQ and high educational levels, who lacked very much in the way of social skills.  This has given rise to the idea that there may, in fact, be a thing called emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and read emotions which are quite separate from what we measure when we test for IQ.

Part of this belief that there is emotional intelligence includes the concept that emotional intelligence requires development.  Whether emotional intelligence is, in fact, an intelligence or more like a skill, there do appear to be some things you can do to increase your ability to recognize emotions in yourself and others.

If you’ve always felt at a disadvantage when it comes to recognizing and dealing with emotions, take a look at the list below of ways you might go about expanding your emotional skills.

Practice generosity to develop empathy.

Try giving without expecting anything in return. Generous people seem to be able to recognize what other people are feeling.  If you give with the expectation of getting something back, this is all about you.  Practicing acts of kindness can help you to understand what it would be like to be in that other person’s position.

Let it go. No anger or grudges.

Being able to let things go, reducing your anger, will improve your ability to recognize and identified emotions.  Anger is such a powerful emotion that it blocks out everything else.  When you hold onto your anger, you stay focused on yourself which prevents you from developing an understanding of how others feel.  When we look closely at anger, we often find pain and sadness hiding underneath it.

Be thankful and practice gratitude.

Practice being thankful for the things you have.  Create a list of things you are grateful for.  Your feelings vocabulary should include a lot of positive emotions.  Learn to recognize when you are thankful or have things you could appreciate.

Acceptance of self and others.

Learning to accept yourself and see your positive qualities will increase your ability to see the good in others.  People who see only the bad in others reduce their ability to recognize when others have positive emotions.

Keep life in balance.

People who maintain a proper life balance can feel what they feel when they feel it.  Increasing your knowledge about your own feelings will help you to understand what others are feeling.

Be present where you are.

Learn to shift gears.  Holding onto thoughts and feelings from another situation prevents you from fully participating in the situation you are in.  The more you experience where you are, the more easily you will recognize appropriate emotions, both yours and others.

Be curious about everything.

Nurturing curiosity will result in you learning new things.  Hold on to the childlike quality to want to know about everything.  Maintaining a curious point of view opens you up to learning more.  Be especially curious about feelings and how others experienced them.

Are you OK with change?

Can you adapt?  People who resist change become fearful of the unfamiliar.  Work on your acceptance of new experiences and people.  Novel situations present the opportunity to learn about yourself about others and about the emotions these situations create.

You don’t need negative people.

Surrounding yourself with negative people drives away positive feelings.  Emotionally intelligent people learn to recognize when others around them are needlessly and excessively negative.  To become more emotionally intelligent, you need to get out of that negative space and experience some appropriate emotions.

You attract positive people.

People with high emotional intelligence can experience positive emotions and be happy.  Happy people tend to attract other positive, happy people.  Work on enlarging the number of positive feelings you can feel, and you will become a positive feelings expert.

You know and accept yourself.

Emotionally intelligent people can accept themselves and others.  Feelings are not automatically good or bad in and of themselves.  Feelings should be guides to experience.  The more you know about yourself, the more you can correctly identify what you’re feeling when you were feeling it.

You don’t do things half-hearted.

To learn more about emotions, you need to live life.  Don’t skim through your experiences, do what you do fully.

You can wait for what you want.

Develop the skill of patience.  Don’t let yourself get carried away by your wants and desires.  Cravings can come and go.  Just because something seems important or desirable in the moment does not mean that is the best thing for you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Increase your emotional intelligence.

Posted on by
1

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Man with feelings

Managing feelings.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Emotional intelligence is more important than you may think.

Most people are very familiar with the idea of IQ, the kind of intelligence that written tests can measure.  What gets overlooked often is the concept of emotional intelligence, the ability to understand what other people are thinking and feeling, and to react to them in a helpful appropriate way.

If you’ve ever wished that you were better at understanding other people, what they were thinking and feeling, then you may need to work on improving your emotional intelligence.  Emotional intelligence is not something people are automatically born with.  We learn to be more emotionally intelligent by watching others around us, observing how they react emotionally, and by practicing certain basic emotional intelligence skills.

If you would like to try to improve your emotional intelligence here a few simple ways that you may be able to expand and grow that essential skill.

Practice Self-Awareness, recognize you are feeling something.

Emotions, feelings anyway, has gotten a very bad reputation.  Increasingly we are discovering that feelings are not our enemies but are helpful to provide us with the information we need.  The Victorian era view that feelings were bad and to be suppressed, has been replaced by a modern vision that feelings can provide you with useful information.

That first step in making feelings your friends and becoming more emotionally intelligent is simply to recognize when you are feeling something.  Many people have spent so much time trying to avoid feeling anything that it comes as a shock that they need to pay more attention to what they’re feeling and why they are feeling that way.

Becoming emotionally literate.

It’s hard to talk about things if you don’t have words to describe them.  We humans use words and symbols to express and manipulate our thoughts.  Work on developing a larger feelings vocabulary.  If the only two feelings you recognize are good and bad, you have very few ways of feeling.  The more feeling words you recognize the more feelings you can identify.

Spend time and effort learning more feelings words for the times when you or others experience them.  Practice watching others then try to describe the feeling that they might be having at this precise moment.  One exercise we did back in graduate school was to turn the sound off on the TV and watch the people in the show while trying to identify what feelings they were having.

Use this practice of watching people and mentally identifying feelings in as many situations as possible.  With more feelings words and the ability to identify feelings when you see them you will increase your emotional intelligence.

Don’t let your emotions control you, distress tolerance, and cravings.

People who are high in emotional intelligence, learn to control their emotions rather than being controlled by those emotions.  The ability to tolerate negative emotions without reacting to them is sometimes referred to as distress tolerance.

It is important to learn that just because you feel feelings you do not have to give in to those feelings.  It is possible to feel badly and have nothing bad happened.  Cravings for many things come and go, the emotionally intelligent person learns that because they feel cravings they do not have to give in to them.

Learn to control and manage your emotions.

You should develop the ability to recognize that you are feeling something and have learned a vocabulary to identify what that feeling is, then you are in a position to manage your emotions.  Emotionally intelligent people think to themselves, what is this feeling I am feeling, and then they decide what they want to do with that feeling.

Make your feelings a source of motivation.

Feelings can either be your boss or your employees.  Rather than letting your feelings control you and determine what you are going to do, work on using your feelings as a source of motivation to help you do the things you want to do.

Anger can be a feeling that provokes people to do things that they later regret.  Emotionally intelligent people can use anger as energy to spur them to take action and change the situation.

Learn empathy, what are they feeling?

Empathy is a very useful emotional skill.  One way to develop more empathy is to focus on what other people are feeling.  The more you’re able to recognize what they’re feeling and perhaps why they are feeling it, the more you will know how to approach them in a useful and helpful manner.

Practice Social Skills.

Social skills required a great deal of practice.  Learning those kinds of skills have somehow fallen out of fashion in this millennium.  Practicing social skills requires putting some effort into meeting and interacting with other people.

The increasing use of technology and the trend towards homeschooling have both been forces which encourage people to relate to others indirectly rather than developing their social skills.  No matter where you find yourself or who you are with, use these interactions as opportunities to observe other people with good social skills, and to practice your own.

Follow these steps and you too may become someone with a high level of emotional intelligence.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Which border is Borderline Intellectual Functioning on?

Posted on by
20

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Crossing the border.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is Borderline Intellectual Functioning?

Borderline Intellectual Functioning (BIF) is one of several totally unrelated conditions that are officially or unofficially called borderline only because they are on the edge or junction of some other condition. BIF is in no way related to Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline Intellectual Functioning is a designation for some individuals who find it hard to learn some information. It sometimes gets confused and mixed up with several types of ADHD or the older label ADD.

The definition of BIF is totally determined by the person’s IQ score. Stay with me here as I explain this. I will give you the exact numbers as we go.

There is also a lot of prejudice about anyone with a low I.Q. score even though some low I.Q. scoring people are extremely talented in areas that are not captured on an I.Q. test.

When discussing I.Q scores we need to be very careful. First, they do NOT mean what many people think they mean, and since they are mathematical numbers being somehow attached to non-mathematical people we need to talk some statistic-number-stuff to explain this one. I will keep the number stuff extra simple.

The companies that make the tests try to improve the test over time but there is only so much you can do in trying to give a test that somehow is meant, to sum up, a person’s abilities. We believe that  I. Q. is made up, not of one single ability, but a whole host of talents. Verbal and mathematical talents are easy to capture with a written test, musical, artistic, and athletic talents may not show up so much.

There is also evidence of something called E. Q. (Emotional intelligence.) We all know someone who is very bright in school but is no good with people and there are those individuals who are good with people or animals but can’t pass a written test.

Many, but not all I. Q. and related tests, are biased towards how many words you know. Want to score well on a lot of ability tests – learn all the words you can.

The scores are designed to measure how someone’s test score compares to other people. We still can’t find any “normal” people to compare others to so we create an imaginary “normal” person by averaging all the scores we get and saying that average (or mean or mode) is somehow the “normal” person.

I.Q. tests are set up so that the “average” score is 100. Theoretically, if you test enough people the most common score is 100. But scores vary an awful lot. So is someone with a 99 really less smart than someone who scores a 101? Not very much.

If you take this kind of test many times you will get many scores. So some days you, one single individual will be “smarter” than on others.

One day the average person scores a 95. We could call that below normal. The next day they get a 105 and are above average. So we learn to use ranges of scores, not just the number.

Turns out that the largest group of people will score between 85 and 115 on most tests. (For the math people the standard deviation here is 15.) This group will contain just under 70% of all humans.

We consider this whole range of people 85-115 more or less the same. Since scores of one person may move up or down 5 points from day-to-day we need to look at the people just outside that range.

So are people above 115 really smart, geniuses maybe? Not that often. It may be easier for someone with an I.Q of 125 to get A’s in school but we all have heard of very bright people who fail school and less smart people who study really hard and get good grades.

For most purposes, we don’t see a lot of differences in individuals till we get out to two standard deviations. People who score between 70 and 130 all fall within the “average” group. This group covers about 97.5 % of all people. Only those below 70 and above 130, start to get extra special labels.

Really high scores might get the label “genius.” But some of them still do some dumb things. It may be a lot easier for the person who has an I.Q. of 125 to do a book report and someone with a score of 90 may struggle on a math assignment or vice versa, but we think anyone in that range, with a good education, can do this stuff.

Now back to Borderline Intellectual Functioning. The definition of BIF is an I. Q. Score of 71-84. The person with this score is on the low end of what we would consider an “average” or “normal” person.

Telling someone they or their child has a low score on an I. Q. test is likely to upset them. They want us to do something.

Most of us understand when a kid is too small or skinny to be good at football. We accept that a really short kid will not do so well in basketball. Most of us get this. Except sometimes parents want their kid to be good at a sport so badly that they push this kid unmercifully to grow more and get taller. Don’t get me started on the long-term damage wanting your kid to be something they are not can do to that child.

Not very many parents want to accept that their kid has fewer math or spelling circuits in their brain. So when they get the results of the I.Q. test they want something to make their kid smarter. Lots of kids in the lower normal I.Q. score range get low grades, get discouraged, and stop caring about school work. Then they get diagnosed with ADHD and given a stimulant medication. It may boost their test scores a little, for a while, but it does not make them develop a higher I.Q.

Many people with BIF do graduate from school, get jobs, and have happy productive lives. The task for them is to find the other areas in life for which they have abilities and then accept that some school type things may be harder for them than for people with more skill in another area.

My belief is we need to stop telling our kids that they need to be on the football team and get straight A’s and begin to accept that everyone has different talents. What are your talents and what are you doing with them?

For more on the Mental Health treatment of Borderline intellectual functioning see the post on V codes.

There, I will climb down off my soapbox, — for now.

Did that help you understand Borderline Intellectual Functioning?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel