Why counseling does not take.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapy

Therapy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

4 Reasons counseling does not work for you.

You go for counseling and while you are there in the counseling room everything seems better. You know what you need to do. You are ready for a change. Only over the next few days the vision of recovery you had in that counseling room fades and the things you thought you understood all get lost.

Why can’t you hold onto what happened in the counseling room when you get back to that real life?

Personally, I am skeptical of counseling that goes on for years with nothing changing. How long the process of change will take you depends on where you started your journey and how far you need to go to reach your recovery.

If you are not making the progress you think you should be making, discuss this with your counselor. I learned early on that it is not exclusively what happens in the therapy hour that helps clients but what they are doing to practice these new life skills in the other 167 hours each week that they are not in therapy.

As a cognitively oriented therapist, I like to suggest practice sessions, a form of homework, which clients need to do each week between sessions so that when we meet again we can talk about how to improve their recovery not just go over the same ideas again.

Here are some reasons that your work in the therapy session may not be transferring to the out of therapy world.

1. You can’t learn to swim in the classroom.

A long time ago the preferred method of teaching swimming and scuba diving was to show lots of classroom movies and have slide shows and demonstrations of how to swim and how to put on your scuba gear underwater.

What the trainers quickly discovered was that what people learned in the classroom did not translate well into the water.

The best way to learn is under real-life conditions. So if you get your instruction on swimming in the pool each thing you do is quickly reinforced.

Lots of cognitive therapy is about learning life skills and perfecting those skills takes practice. I encourage clients to come to the session and talk about the times they tried to use their new skills outside my office and how that worked out for them.

In some situations, therapists have needed to go out into the field and help the client walk through the new life skill under real conditions.

So whatever you are trying to change about yourself practice between therapy sessions and then discuss the results the next time. Do not leave the lesson in the office.

2. Insight does not change you.

Many people come to counseling wanting to know why they are doing things. I can’t fault you for wanting to learn all you can about yourself. Getting to know you is a lifelong adventure.

The fallacy in this approach is that having once come to understand your inner workings you may still keep doing the things the same way you always did.

Several stories about this topic come from the realm of substance abuse. More than one alcoholic has gone for psychoanalysis, sometimes or a long period of time and at a great cost, when their therapy concluded the client was sure that now, understanding their inner workings, they would never drink again. Within days that person was drinking to intoxication again.

Overheard in a bar; one patron was telling the other that they were an alcoholic, the second patron replied, me too. So they sat for a while and discussed why they both were alcoholics.

The conversation concluded, they both ordered another round.

Insight by itself does not result in change. Change takes more than insight. It takes motivation. It takes practice and once those changes have been made change takes maintenance.

3. Venting does not help if you keep filling up the negative emotions.

People like to think that getting it all out will rid them of negative emotions. We used to try this with couples who were having excessive arguments. The couple would yell and scream at each other in the session. Some therapists even had the couple hit each other with foam rubber bats.

The result of this venting was not a reduction in anger. The “venting session” resulted in couples who went home and then hit each other with real bats.

Venting can function as a rehearsal. The more you vent the more you become quickly triggered by anger, depression, or cravings for drugs and alcohol.

4. You never talk about what is really bothering you.

The best predictor of successful therapy is your belief that this person you are talking to can help you. If you do not feel comfortable and really open up then the big stuff that you are holding back will never get taken care of.

One recovery saying is that you are only as sick as your secrets. This is especially true in therapy if you do not feel safe to open up and talk about what is ailing you. If you are not sure what secrets your therapist will tell and what they will keep secret, look back at some of the past posts on this topic or ask your therapist to explain confidentiality to you.

If you are in therapy now or have been to therapy and you did not feel it was helpful these are some of the reasons it may not have “taken” there may be other very personal reasons also. Make sure you tell your current counselor about those past efforts and especially tell them any reasons you felt it was not helpful to you.

An informed therapy client gets more benefit out of counseling.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

10 ways to get emotional help without money

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Can’t pay for therapy?

The times you need help the most are likely to be the times you are least able to pay. People with emotional problems often have other problems, no job or a low-paying one, physical health problems, housing issues. If you had those other problems wouldn’t you be depressed or anxious?

Now if this is an emergency, if you or someone close to you is thinking of suicide, has a drug overdose or other critical problem, please call your local emergency number. In my area, we have 911 services and every night many people call that number and end up in hospitals where they can be linked to help. People who chose to not call emergency services can walk into an emergency room and seek services. These days emergency rooms across America are filling with people with mental and emotional problems, people with nowhere else to go.

We continue to hope that the services for the people in need will match the need. So far it isn’t happening. The recent downturn in the economy has resulted in strained budgets and budget cuts. Mental health and substance abuse dollars keep shrinking at the very time the need is growing.

The first place to start of course is your local mental health facility. If you qualify for services they are likely to be covered or offered at extremely low rates. These days the need is so great most public facilities are limited to serving only those with the most severe need, people who are suicidal or have hallucinations. Even if you don’t qualify for ongoing therapy, you may be able to get emergency services or they may be able to refer you to free or low-cost services.

So if you are someone who has fallen through the cracks, who needs counseling or therapy but has no insurance, doesn’t qualify for services or your diagnosis does not meet the “medical necessity” for services, how do you get help? Here are a few suggestions, some are more available than others, and some are more painful than others but if you need help and haven’t been getting it these are things you might try.

1. Read the internet

Especially read blogs and sites about recovery. The internet can be had for little or no cost. These days’ even homeless people have email. Most libraries let people use computers for some amount of time. This has brought information to everyone. It has also caused problems. Not all sources of information are helpful. Watch out for sites that are sponsored by a company that wants to sell you something.

Read about recovery. Some writers are in lots of pain; their writing is therapeutic for them. I read those sites but I find it is good to limit readings about pain unless there are also posts about recovery. Read blogs that spread the cure, not posts that spread the disease. Also, avoid reading too many posts about diagnoses. Self-diagnosis is a trap even professionals can fall into. You need an objective professional person to make a good diagnosis. That said, if someone has given you a diagnosis, read about your condition. If the things you read don’t match what is happening to you, ask questions. Not all professionals agree on things and sometimes they get things wrong.

2. Read self-help books.

There are lots of self-help books out there. I wish I could give you a list of the best ones. I am working on that list but so far it is not ready. I asked colleagues for recommendations and at this point, no two therapists have recommended the same book or books. Read a self-help book that speaks to you. What you need to learn may be different from what someone else needs to learn. You can get self-help books for very little money. Libraries have them for loan. Some can be downloaded from the internet for free or at a low price. I have picked up some great ones at thrift stores for fifty cents to two dollars. If you find a great one please leave a comment here and share your find.

Avoid books that require you to be dependent on or give unquestioning loyalty to a person or group. A.A. literature says here are “suggestions” that have helped us. If you find a better way we wish you well. If you have to do things the author’s way chances are the book is designed to help him and not you.

3. Self-help groups.

The old standby of self-help groups are Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). The success of A.A. has spawned over 200 self-help groups based on the twelve-step model. There are also specific groups for people with co-occurring or dual diagnosis issues. There are also some groups based on specific needs that do not involve the twelve steps. Please don’t be put off by the twelve step programs talk about a “higher power” even nonreligious people, atheists, and agnostics are welcomed and they often find there is something they can believe in if it is only the ability of the group to be helpful.

4. Colleges and schools

Many colleges have therapy available for students. These services are in addition to the department that does academic counseling. Check with the health services on campus if you are a student. Universities that offer counseling or therapy major often have clinics where new therapists under the supervision of experienced instructors, provide therapy services to members of the community. These university-sponsored programs have low-cost or reduced-cost options. School counselors can sometimes help with family issues, parenting, and child behavioral issues.

5. Community-based resources

Non-profit organizations are sometimes able to provide some services to people in the community who are otherwise unable to access services. Check with charitable organizations. Some areas have a 211 phone service that is able to provide social service referrals.

6. Ask therapists and counselors about sliding fee arraignments

Some practitioners are able to see clients for reduced fees. Don’t be afraid to ask, but expect to have to show proof of income.

7.  Consider group therapy

Group counseling is not second-rate services. Sometimes being in a group with others can be a powerful experience. Group fees can be significantly less than individual counseling. Some practitioners offer large group counseling at extremely low fees. In my area, there have been large groups run by professional therapists that were sponsored by churches or community-based organizations that were free. The therapist donates their time and the organization provides the space. The people who attend get free services that they would otherwise not be able to afford and the counselor often gets referrals for their private practice.

8. Substance abuse facilities

Substance abuse facilities often have outpatient groups that are extremely reasonable. They also may have free or low-cost groups for the family members of clients in substance abuse treatment.

9. Think about your priorities.

How much is your recovery worth? Many a time a person has told me they couldn’t afford therapy but they continue to pay hundreds of dollars each month for hair or nail appointments, home shopping, or their drug of choice. Is it true you can’t afford help or is it that you have not made your recovery much of a priority?

10. Consider Religious counseling.

Pastors, Rabbi’s Priest, Bishops, and other religious leaders often have training in Pastoral counseling in addition to their religious training. Seek out people who seem to care about you and about being of service.

If any of you know of other resources let me know so I can pass the information along. Till next time –

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel