Connections, Friends, Relationships, And Feeling Lonely.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

Are you lonely tonight?

Feeling lonely is a serious physical and mental health threat. By one estimate, feeling lonely causes as much damage to your health as smoking 8 cigarettes a day. Humans, like many other animals, depend on our mothers, our family, and our tribe for our very survival. Without the food, shelter, and protection older humans provide us, most would not make it to adulthood. Our relationships are a primary source of the way we develop our values and how we find meaning and purpose in our life or fail to find that meaning.

Generally, we think of adults and families as a positive thing. My work as a therapist has taught me that while some families provide enough for the person to survive to adulthood, many people leave their childhood and adolescent years with significant emotional wounds. Some people work through those wounds in their adult relationships, with their children, or by going through therapy. Other people perpetuate the same wounds on their children that we’re inflicted on them.

Relationships affect how you navigate life.

Throughout our life relationships play a major impact on our happiness. By relationships, I’m not talking simply about the primary, sexual relationships most of us will experience. Most people, when they go to a therapist for relationship counseling, are talking about marriage or couples counseling. But the other relationships in your life are equally important. How you make connections with other humans, the quantity and quality of your friendships, will have a major impact on your life.

Regardless of which relationships we’re talking about, creating new relationships, maintaining them, and sometimes ending them, are skills that need to be developed across the lifespan. Some people learned these lessons well, and others struggle to make or maintain relationships. Let’s look at some general aspects of how we create these various human relationships.

Relationships typically form around shared activities.

If you went to the same school, played the same sport, attended a religious service, or engaged in a cultural activity, you made friends because of the shared activities. Research tells us that most friendships involve at least three shared interests. Some people make long-lasting friends on the job if they work there long enough. But usually, those friendships, like school friendships, fade away if you do not have several other common interests.

Spending time together promotes familiarity, trust, and emotional safety. Finding things that you have in common increases that bond. Discovering significant differences can drive you apart. Whether your relationship with a friend or a partner can survive a serious disagreement depends both on your attitude and personality, and the number of other things that you have in common.

To build a good connection, you need to feel like you matter.

Social scientists called this attunement. It’s the feeling of being seen and understood. Spending time and conversation listening to each other and sharing honestly adds to this feeling of emotional closeness. Having empathy, the ability to look at things from the other person’s point of view, builds connection. A shared sense of humor helps. The more things you have in common, the more likely you will be able to make the relationship work. But even in couples with huge differences in their background, emotional closeness can overcome a lot of obstacles.

Relationships are maintained by an ongoing give and take.

A successful relationship can’t be a one-way street. The exchanges must move in both directions. One person may be able to provide more in one direction than the other. Both people should care about each other and should be supportive. It’s also important that there be openness and honesty between them. That doesn’t mean that you tell a friend all your secrets or the secrets of your partner and family, but you should feel comfortable letting them know who you really are.

Successful relationships also express appreciation and affection for each other. Good relationships involve shared time together. Some of these definitions of equal exchange have changed in the modern electronic era. One person may send more texts or messages than the other, but they should both be actively engaged in communication.

Successful relationships also involve some form of commitment to continue to see and talk with the other person and to care about them. When you don’t hear from a friend for several months, and your emails and texts go unanswered, the relationship is not likely to last.

Being from the same tribe for developing a sense of “us.”

If you share the same identity and values, have similar beliefs, or are working towards similar goals, it’s much easier to maintain a good relationship. Believing in common cultural values is helpful. By culture, I don’t necessarily mean race or ethnicity or religion. Friends often develop a joint “friendship” culture of the things that they do together.

Definitely, having shared interests contributes to a good relationship.

Historically, being of the same religion led to many friendships. Today, people often substitute other interests, such as hobbies, causes, or possessions like cars. Having a common interest gives you something to talk about and something to do together.

A good relationship should feel safe.

You may be able to tolerate a relationship where there are elements of danger, but it’s not likely to meet your emotional needs. Over time, it should feel safe to be vulnerable and let the other person see who you really are inside. We all have hopes and dreams, some of which we may not feel safe sharing with other people, but in a good relationship, that other person should be your safe person.

Overtime relationships should deepen.

In the early stages, being together might be fun and enjoyable. But as time progresses, going through the hard times together will bring you closer together or drive you apart. Being able to share your fears with each other and creating common stories about “remember the time” will bring you closer together.

There are some thoughts about connections, making and keeping friends, and the importance of having people in your life to avoid the feeling of loneliness. In future posts, I want to talk more about some of these themes and about other things that might help you go through whatever transition you’re going through in your life today.

Recommended Mental Health Books

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using the link on this page. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them, and they can do the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC 

Life coaching clients must be working toward a specific problem-solving goal. Coaching is not appropriate if you have a diagnosable mental health problem. Also, life coaching is not covered by insurance. If you think life coaching for creativity or other life goals might be right for you, contact me directly.

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