Author Archives: David Joel Miller

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About David Joel Miller

David Miller is a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Clinical Counselor, faculty member at a local college, certified trainer and writer.

Things you need to stop worrying about

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Man worrying,

Some things you do not need to worry about.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Worrying about the wrong things is keeping you stuck.

Some things may be worth worrying about. Especially if that worry will spur you to take action and change something.

There are a whole lot of things that consume people’s time in worry that really should not be on your list of things to worry about.

Chuck these topics of worry for a happier more productive life.

1. Stop worrying about what others think about you.

The more you do the more people will find to criticize you about. What others think about you is none of your business. Do things because you think they are right, do them because they please you and because this is what you chose to do. Let others opinions go.

2. Stop worrying that you are not good enough.

You are however you are. Accept yourself as you are and then go on to make the best of who and what you are. You are plenty good enough for you. If there is room for improvement focus on the things you would like to be better and let go of the thoughts that you are not yet all you want to be.

You are and will be throughout your life a work in progress, not a finished person.

3. Stop worrying about what you “should” do.

That list of “should’s” left over from childhood is holding you back. Do not do things because others said you should. If you think it is right do it. Do only those things that are right for you.

Do what you are doing. Do it to the best of your ability and in a fair and honest way but never sweat whether the thing you have chosen to do is what you “should” be doing.

While doing one thing do not worry about other things you should be doing. Stay focused on the moment or quit and change what you are doing.

You are always doing what you are doing now.

4. Do not worry that people do not agree with you.

There are always people who will disagree no matter who you are or what you will do. New, innovative things arise because someone does something that others never thought of doing.

You will not be able to make everyone happy. Start by making yourself happy. Consider the consequences of who will disagree with you and why, but the final authority on you is you.

5. Do not worry about someone else’s issues.

You can only change you. If someone else has issues then they need to be willing to change. You can offer support if they chose to change but you are not in charge of others’ lives and they are not in control of yours.

Focus on your own issues, those things you can and should be working on, and offer others the same option.

6. Stop trying to get someone to do what you want.

You can waste a lot of time on manipulation and trying to control others. Work on being the kind of person others would want to work with rather than trying to make them do things your way.

Your way may be good for you but it might not be what someone else needs. Especially stay focused on the results you want rather than on making others do things the way you would do them.

7. Don’t worry that you do not have enough education

Plenty of people have accomplished great things with minimal education. People frequently use a lack of formal education as an excuse for not doing anything.

Do what you can with the training you have. Practical experience is a great teacher. Get more education if this is a requirement for a field you want to work in. You are never too old for more learning. Many people have to retrain multiple times for new careers. People with one degree decide that field is not a fit for them and change occupations.

Make the most of what you know and learn something new each day. You will be amazed at how far you can go.

8. Do not worry about your looks.

Make the most of what you have but always stay focused on who you are inside and what you can do. Sure in some fields a certain look is valued. But there are plenty of stories about how a person who is driven to succeed made it even though they did not fit the normal look.

A quick glance around any large employer will show you that there are lots of people working there that have less than perfect looks.

9. Do not think that you can’t face a problem.

Most problems have to be faced one way or another. Even if you run you have had an encounter with that problem. Run once and you may have to run the rest of your life. Problems do not disappear when you run from them. Many problems shrink as soon as you begin to take actions to work on them.

10. Avoid rehashing what you should have done.

The past is gone. Worrying about what you should have done prevents you from doing in the only time you ever really have – the now.

Keep doing. Accept that some things will work out. You will have some regrets and along the way, you will accomplish some things you can be proud of.

11. Stop thinking that you are not doing enough.

Do what you can. Make an honest effort. That is enough. If you can do more do it. Time spent worrying that you are not doing enough is time not spent working or relaxing. Self-care, time not working, is a part of keeping yourself productive.

12. Do not worry that you are doing too much.

If you are highly productive give yourself credit. If this is wearing you out cut back. Practice saying “No.” If you need to do this because of a boss or a position you hold then relax and stop worrying about it.

Do not concern yourself that you are doing more and someone else is doing less. You are not them and they are not you.

13. Stop worrying about things that are out of your control.

Plan for the unexpected. Work to mitigate the effects of disasters and the unexpected but worrying about them wastes time trying to control the uncontrollable when you should be making the most of the opportunities at hand.

Worrying about the unexpected wears you out and accomplishes nothing.

14. Do not worry that you are going to fast.

Some things take more time than others. Some people move and work at a fast pace. If you are making too many mistakes slow down. Work at the pace that is best for you.

15. Stop thinking that you made a mistake.

If you made mistakes, correct the ones that you can. If it can’t be corrected learn from it. Most mistakes are small things in the long run. What is the lesson you needed to learn? The more you try to accomplish the greater the risk that some things will not work out. Do not think of these less than perfect outcomes as mistakes. They are learning opportunities.

16. Avoid worrying about money.

Worrying about money does make more of it. Somehow those with little money get by and those with a lot never seem to have enough. If you have money problems work on ways to spend less, stretch what you have further, and make more.

Worrying is wasted effort. Learn all you can about money and finances. Do not be misled into thinking that if you just had more money your troubles would disappear. You would still have problems they would just be different problems.

17. Avoid the thought that there is something wrong with you.

You are fine just the way you are. If you have medical or psychiatric concerns see a doctor or a therapist. If you have legal or financial issues see a professional in that field.

Learn to accept yourself the way you are and then work on becoming a better more skilled person.

18. Don’t worry that you do not have the best things.

People who judge you based on the things you have are shallow people. Judging yourself that way will make you shallow. The more you have, the farther away the goal of having the “best things” moves.

There is no end to the things people think they need and then tomorrow those things are passé.

Anyone out there jealous of my collection of 8 track cassettes and 8-inch floppy diskettes?

19. Stop thinking that your opinion is wrong.

You have the right to your opinion. You also have the right to sometimes be wrong. Accept that no one is right all the time.

When making decisions and taking actions consider the possibility that you could be wrong. When you get new information or situations change reconsider your opinion.

Do not beat yourself up for having had an incorrect opinion and especially do not waste time on worrying that today’s opinion may be tomorrow’s error.

20. Stop worrying that people are taking advantage of you.

Be careful in your dealings. Do not assume others have your best interest at heart. Make sure you do things because you want to and they are right for you.

Once you make those decisions do not worry if someone else is getting something out of your interaction.

Reserve the right to periodically reevaluate things and change relationships as needed. Worrying will not protect you from being taken advantage of. Careful research and good advice will help here.

21. Do not worry that others are better than you.

There will always be someone better than everyone else. Records only stand so long and then someone breaks them.

You can’t be the best at everything. You may not be the best at anything. Work on being the best you can be and accept that if you approve of yourself then what you do will be good enough.

22. Don’t worry that you are out of time.

Time keeps moving forward. Make the best of what you have and then let it go. Worry that you are out of time waists some of the precious time you do have.

23. The things you want will never happen.

If they did happen then you would only want more. Some things we want do happen and some do not. In retrospect, as we grow older, some of the things we wanted in the past we become glad never happened.

There are 23 different things that you could worry about, but why would you? Stop worrying about as many of these things as you can and see if your life does not become happier and more productive.

Are there other things you have found that you no longer need to worry about?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to be on time.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Time to change.

Are you on time?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do those consistently punctual people do it?

Some people are always, almost pathologically, on time. Others are chronically late. Our western society is run on time. Things start at a particular time and then we are off to the next thing which also has a time. It can feel like we are being controlled by the clock.

The twentieth century was heralded as the century of labor-saving devices. With all that time we saved you would think no one would ever be hurried again. The result has not been an increase in available time but more working overtime to pay for all these labor and time-saving devices.

Even with all those technological advancements, some people are always on time and some are always late. Without getting into a discussion of the psychological factors that affect punctuality, and there are many psychological reasons people are on time or late arrivals, let’s look at how the Punctual People do things.

1. Punctual People get to bed on time.

If you think your day starts when you get up in the morning you would be way off. Getting plenty of sleep increases punctuality in the same way it increases productivity.

If you stay up late you will pay for it the whole next day. Tired people drag and then have to rush from thing to thing all day long.

2. Punctual People start their day early.

Late risers are already behind schedule when their feet hit the floor. They feel rushed and harried from start to finish. Let one thing go wrong and the rest of their day is off-kilter.

Burn breakfast and there is no time to make a new one. The kids or you go hungry.

Plenty of road rage is caused by people who start out late and then need to “make up time” on the roadway. This rushing is bad for your driving and is bad for your health.

Start your day early and there is time if something goes wrong.

3. Punctual People allow enough time.

You know that your morning drive takes thirty minutes but you hang around reading your email and drinking coffee till quarter till. The result you have to rush and you are still late.

The worst papers come in from the students who wait until the night before and then try to write a paper in a few hours that they should have been working on all semester.

Bosses can easily tell when someone only allows an hour for an activity that should take four. The result is hurried, partially done, and almost always late if it is done at all.

Give yourself plenty of time for each thing you do and you will be more creative, do a better job, and still get it in on time.

Be realistic about how long things will take and you will run on time a lot more.

4. Productive People do not schedule themselves 100% of their time.

Early in the industrial age factory owners learned that you can’t schedule factories at 100% of capacity. Try to get above a certain productivity and something is bound to go wrong. A machine breaks or jams and then shuts down the whole line, the result is that productivity falls drastically,

People need downtime for rest, relaxation, and repair in the same way machines need maintenance if we are to avoid a major emergency.

Punctual people do not schedule themselves nonstop. They allow small gaps throughout their day so that if one activity runs long they do not throw their whole day out of whack.

5. Punctual People prefer waiting to being late.

Punctual People enjoy those relaxing moments when they get somewhere before the event starts. They do not mind waiting for others. A few minutes to relax between things is both healthy and it keeps you on schedule the rest of the day.

6. Punctual People start tasks early.

If you begin your work on that report or paper early there is little need to rush and you are more likely to be done on time.

Getting off the procrastination ride and doing the hard things first assures they will get done on time. Waiting till the last-minute sets you up to run overtime and be off schedule from then on.

7. Punctual People use their calendar.

Punctual people plan ahead. The plan on doing things on schedule and that means leaving enough time on their calendar for getting something done. It also means not scheduling things too close together so that getting from one thing to the next throws them off schedule.

8. Punctual people feel disrespected when you are late.

Punctual people manage their stress by staying organized and planning ahead. They do not feel stressed because they started way before this meeting with you.

They may have gone to bed early, gotten up early, and left home for your meeting early all to avoid rushing and arriving stressed. It is also likely that they have planned some flex time between seeing you and the next thing they need to do.

When you are late you take away that tranquility they have created and dump your stress directly in their lap.

When you are late there is less time to spend with you, less gets done, meetings are abrupt or hurried and if they run over time, you have just stolen some time that they had planned to spend with someone else.

There are some things in life where you do not need to observe a strict start and stop time. But most of life is run by the clock. Show up late for court and you may lose your case. Be late for a job interview and you reduced the chances of getting hired.

People who are on time are seen as dependable, they do what they say they will. So if you want to join the on-time club, consider adopting some of the characteristics of Punctual People and see if this does not reduce your stress in the process of making you a more Punctual Person.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

18 Ways you are a really bad parent.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Child crying

Ways to be a bad parent.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

18 ways to be a really bad parent.

Here are 18 really bad ways to treat children. Do them enough and you can destroy a child’s life. Some parents do these things out of ignorance, others out of meanness. (Want to be a good parent then avoid these traps.)

How many of these child-warping parenting techniques do you use?

1. Never tell your kids you love them.

Parents are for discipline not love. They should know you love them, you feed them sometimes right?

You can be strict or you can be lenient as long as the kids know you love them. Strict without love is abusive. Lenient without love can turn into neglect.

2. Point out everything wrong with your child.

Point out every mistake they make. Keep at them until they get it right or give up. Over the years I have seen a whole lot of people who came from non-affirming homes. No matter how hard they tried they could never please their caregiver. Eventually most stopped trying. They also developed a concept of themselves that they were incapable of doing anything well. Some of these people had extraordinary talent; just no one ever told them so.

Pick on them every chance you get. Point out the flaws in their face and how ugly they are. Prepare them to deal; with the “real world.”

The result of this sort of bullying is people who develop a victim mentality. They think they deserved to be bullied and they become permanent victims or they get angry and they strike out at anyone and everyone.

Constantly running a child down is a form of child abuse, not good parenting.

3. Belittle children in public whenever possible.

Make sure you publicly belittle your child and you will teach them to avoid others. This can result in a lot of social phobias, people afraid to be in public because they know they will be put down by others.

Break their spirit while they are young and they will never have to attempt anything that might show you up.

4. Do all the things you told them not to.

Remind your children to “do as I say not as I do.” This sets them up to be hypocrites and liars. Do not be surprised when they do sneaky things behind your back. You taught them to say one thing and do another.

5. Never teach them anything, make them find out for themselves.

Remind them you shouldn’t have to explain things to them. Call them stupid if they ask questions. Keep them ignorant and they will be slow to catch onto how lame their caregiver was.

6. Remind them you expect them to be a failure.

Tell them often enough and they will live down to your expectations. Most kids want to be just like their parents.

7. Do not ever talk about the future with them, they have no future.

The best way to repeat the cycle of dropping out of school, early parenthood, and a life on welfare, with no job and no hope, is to set this example yourselves. Let them know that you expect them to be an even bigger failure than you were.

Make sure you never share any of life’s lessons you have learned with them.

8. Remind them constantly you are the king in this castle and they are peasants.

Set them up to be the victims in a controlling relationship for the rest of their life. Undermine their self-esteem and intuition.

9. Tell them how they should be feeling.

Make sure you invalidate everything they feel. If they tell you a feeling tell them no they are not feeling that, they are feeling something else. Remind them that their only purpose in life is to feel the way you tell them to feel.

The expressions “You should not feel that way” and “you should be feeling the same way I do.” Will help undermine their ability to feel what they are feeling.

10. Never let them think for themselves.

Make sure your children do not learn to think for themselves. This makes them easier to control. You will need to control them for a while though eventually they will become controlled by drug dealers, pimps, or abusive partners.

Congratulate yourself you have created an easy to control adult with the emotions of a child.

11. Tell them everything, never ask.

Convince them that their opinions do not matter. Make them doubt themselves and they will never attempt anything worth doing.

12. Never explain anything; it is over their heads anyway.

Create in your children the love of ignorance. This will protect them from schools, learning, and the risk of ever accomplishing anything in life.

13. Family communication means you tell them.

Do not let them ask to have their needs met. Keep all family communication a one-way street. You didn’t talk to their other parent why would you want to talk to them?

14. Toughen them up for the real world.

Make sure you instill a negative dog-eat-dog attitude in your children. You would not want them turning soft on you. People who do for others are soft. You are hardening your children up so they can be takers.

15. Teach them what a bully really looks like.

If you beat the stuffing out of them they will know how to take the beating that others will give them. Make sure that they know the only thing they deserve in life is a good beating.

16. Never tell them the truth about anything, keep them guessing.

You don’t owe children the truth. They wouldn’t recognize it if you told them anyway. Keep them, believing all the stories you tell them for as long as you can.

17. Give them nicknames – stupid, lazy, ugly, fats.

If you call all your kids by pet names you can turn them into animals. It will be fun to watch them quarrel and hurt each other.

18. Forget being consistent, keep them guessing.

Good parents are consistent and loving, two things you would never want to be.

If you enjoy doing all these things to your children you will love watching them do the same things to your grandchildren, should you get to keep them in your life that long.

If these recommendations appall you then make sure you do the opposite and nurture those children.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

12 Relationships that make you unhappy.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Unhappy emoticon

Unhappy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Some relationship problems are guaranteed to make you unhappy.

Humans have and need relationships whether they want them or not. Some relationships contribute to happiness and some create a great deal of misery. Romantic relationships can make us happy and they can be the greatest source of unhappiness. But lovers are not the only relationships that can be making you unhappy.

How many of these happiness sabotaging relationships are in your life?

1. You do not like yourself.

If you do not like yourself you make it hard for others to like you. We teach others how to treat us and the primary way we do that is the way we treat ourselves.

Treat yourself poorly and you set up a life full of unhealthy relationships.

2. You have partners and associates but no real friends.

There are all kinds of people who cross our paths each day. It is preferable to be on friendly terms with almost all of them, but having one hundred acquaintances is no comparison to having one true friend.

Casual acquaintances will disappear when times get tough; a true friend is there no matter what.

3. You are in love with money.

Money and other material possessions is a totally unreliable friend. No matter how much money you have it is unlikely to turn an unhappy person happy. Having enough money for your needs can take the stress and worry out of life but making money your best friend is likely to make you really lonely. The people who friend you when you have something they want will disappear the second you can’t or won’t give them more.

4. You think your partner should make you happy.

Happiness comes from inside. Expecting your partner to make you happy is a mistake. These days a lot of people think that their lack of happiness is their partner’s fault. The result is a lot of affairs, break-ups, and new relationships. If you leave one partner for another expecting the change to make you happy the odds are that you will very shortly be back in an unhappy relationship, this time with a new equally unhappy partner.

5. Your lover is alcohol or drugs.

Lots of people develop very unhealthy relationships with drugs, alcohol, gambling, and a host of other things. If your lover is a substance or a repetitive behavior like sex or shopping you are in an unhealthy relationship and this relationship is bound to make you unhappy.

6. You spend all your time with Anxiety.

Some people think that being anxious is helpful. They spend most of their day worrying about things with a low probability of happening. If you are in a close intimate relationship with your anxieties and fears this connection will turn unhappy in a flash.

Consider professional help to get a trial separation from your anxiety and fears.

7. You are lonely when you are alone.

Being alone should not make you lonely. Work on being your own best friend and you will not be lonely just because you are by yourself.

Chronically feeling lonely when alone sets you up to jump into a relationship, any relationship, just to avoid being alone. Most of those emergency relationships turn out to also be the very unhappy kind.

8. Your friends are toxic.

If you hang out with unhappy people you become unhappy. If your friends are downers and want you to mellow down to their level you are headed for lonely street.

9. Your living in the wrong time zone.

If you spend all your time and thoughts on the past, what should have been to make you happy, you will lose the present. Frankly, the present is where you should be experiencing happiness.

Same problem if you spend all your time dwelling in the future. Do you time travel to some point in the future and tell yourself that if only you could get there then you will be happy. That time travel is leaving your present in the unhappy column.

10. The clock is your enemy – Procrastination – unpunctual – no time to yourself.

If you are constantly fighting the clock you are living an unhappy life. Make the present your friend. Start on time end on time and do not put off things that need doing. Make sure that you are not so busy chasing happiness that you fail to have time to enjoy it when you pass it by.

11. You have not made friends with the bed.

People who do not have a good sleep life do not have a happy awake life. Get lots of rest. If you have nightmares find out why and work with a professional counselor on dealing with those demons from your past.

A good healthy sex life is also a significant factor in being happy. Do not abuse your bed. Use it to sleep and to make love. Otherwise, get up and get going.

12. You and your job can’t get along – you hate your job – spend the day avoiding work.

If you have a bad relationship with work it will color the rest of your life unhappy. If you hate your job – figure out why and go about changing things. The best time to look for another job is when you have one. Look for a job that you would enjoy doing and you will look forward to going to work.

Work on improving your relationship with yourself, others in your life, your work, and your feelings and you will find that as these relationships become happier you will spend more time in the happiness place and less time in the misery hangout.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The link between Smoking and Depression

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Full ashtray

Smoking cigarettes.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Smoking may be the cause not the result of depression.

People who smoke are far more likely to become depressed than nonsmokers. About 40% of smokers suffer from a mood disorder, largely depression, while the rate in the whole population is typically in the range of 2% to 10% in any one year.

The connections between tobacco smoking and mental health issues may be even more severe than was previously thought. The connections are not limited to depression or related mood disorders.

One recent study took another look at the National Epidemiologic Study on Alcohol and Related Conditions, a large nationwide survey of mental health and addiction issues.  (P. A. Cavazos-Rehg, N. Breslau, D. Hatsukami, M. J. Krauss, E. L. Spitznagel, R. A. Grucza, P. Salyer, S. M. Hartz, L. J. Bierut. Smoking cessation is associated with lower rates of mood/anxiety and alcohol use disorders. Psychological Medicine, 2014; 1 DOI: 10.1017/S0033291713003206)

This study surveyed 35,000 people; about 4,800 of those were daily smokers. The study participants were resurveyed 3 years later. Smokers in this study appear to have significantly higher rates of mental health issues.

Half of all smokers reported having “Alcohol problems” While 24% reported some form of drug use problem.

Over the course of the three-year period between studies, some people quit smoking. Among those who quit smoking the rates of mental health and substance abuse problems declined, while those who continued to smoke continued to have higher rates of mental health and substance use disorders.

This challenges the conventional wisdom that in treating serious mental health or substance abuse issues the issue of tobacco smoking can be left for a later time.

Chemical use of many kinds is known to impact mental health. Excessive alcohol use results in depression. Many practitioners have been reluctant to treat someone for depression while they are still drinking alcohol.

Recently professionals in the mental health and substance abuse field have moved to thinking that substance use issues and mental health issues so thoroughly interact that both problems need to be treated simultaneously.

The evidence continues to mount that there is a connection between tobacco use and both mental health issues and substance use disorders. It is becoming clear that ending tobacco use might have a significant impact on mental health.

Recently I have been hearing of studies in which the seriously mentally ill were taught smoking cessation and the results of their recovery from both issues were essentially the same as the general population.

If you are a smoker, quitting may well improve your mood and your mental health. If you are struggling with a mental health or substance use disorder there is no reason to put off quitting smoking and there are a growing number of reasons to think that quitting will make your other problems easier to manage.

Have you seen a connection between your smoking and other life problems?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

16 Ways to create a happy life.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy children

Happy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Not feeling very good about your life?

Here are 16 ways you can make your life a happier environment.

1. Do things you can be proud of.

When you do things you are proud of, you feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself it makes you happy.

To be something you are proud of what you do does not need to be any grand gesture. Make sure you recognize those little positive things you do each day.

Start recognizing all that you do for yourself and for others each day and hold on to those lists of things you have accomplished across your lifetime.

What are the things you are most proud of that you have done so far in your life? Can you do more of those things?

2. Do things for others.

Doing good deeds will make you happier than doing selfish ones. Whenever we are able to help someone else we get an opportunity to feel good about ourselves. Make sure you are doing this because you want to do something for another and as a result feel good yourself. If you do a good deed because someone forces you to or you do one which you really don’t want to do, it will result in developing a resentment.

3. Make a new friend.

Making friends will add to your happiness. Sometimes those friends are just for now. You talk to someone on the bus or in line and then you head off in opposite directions. Other times you will put out your hand, start a conversation, or offer to help and the result will be a friend that will brighten your life for a long time to come.

4. Schedule time to take care of you.

Make self-care a top priority. You can’t feel good or happy if you neglect yourself. Eat well, sleep enough to repair your body, and give yourself time to relax.

5. Treat yourself to something positive you enjoy.

Life should not be made up solely of the necessities. Sometimes you need to treat and pamper yourself. Be sure that these little treats for yourself are positive, not negative pleasures. Do things for yourself that involve relaxation and pleasure, not overspending or substance abuse. That would mean your pleasure comes at a cost that needs to be paid tomorrow.

6. Include humor in your life every chance you get.

Laughter changes your mood. The more you laugh the happier you become. If watching an hour of comedy does not brighten your mood you may have a significant depression. In that case, get help.

Take what you do seriously but do not take yourself overly seriously. Learn to laugh at your own foibles. We all have them, but happy people can laugh at their oddities.

7. Make up a gratitude list.

If you must compare yourself, pick people who have less than you to use for comparison. Be grateful for all you have. There are others, in your town or across the sea that have far less than you. Do not take blessings for granted but develop the practice of seeing those benefits when you have them.

8. Express yourself.

There are all kinds of ways to express yourself. Some people do it by talking. You may also find that you can express yourself through drawing, singing, or dance. You do not need to be an expert. You do not need to be any particular way. What you do need to do is to find ways that allow you to express and affirm who you are.

Draw, make music, or write. Be creative.

9. Visit Mother Nature.

We are getting a long way away from our roots. More people now live in cities than in small towns and rural areas. Make it a practice to stay connected to Mother Nature outside the times of inclement weather.

Take a trip to the beach or the mountains. Visit a park. Grow a plant. Take a walk and notice the things that are growing, flowering, and reaching for the sky.

Marvel at the birds that manage to eke out a living in our cities and still can fly off to places in the trees.

10. Spend time with a favorite animal.

Animals can be powerful connections to a happy life. Have a pet. Watch an animal that lives in your neighborhood. Visit a park and watch the birds and the squirrels.

11. Clean your glasses.

If you start to long at a dirty world the lenses through which you look become dirty. The constant mudslinging on the news can color your view of the world.

Find a fresh positive way to view your world. Look for people who do good things. Find youth that is making a difference and encourage them.

12. Develop your intuition.

Those nerve cells in your body are there for a reason. Learn to listen to those feelings in your stomach and those pains in your neck. They can help you identify risks and pleasures that your conscious mind has forgotten.

Notice the feel of the sun on your skin when you are cold. Live in tune with your senses for greater happiness wherever you find yourself.

13. Care for your body.

The part you call your body is not some inconvenient appendage to your thoughts. The flesh is not a lesser creature to be abused. Get plenty of good healthy food. Sleep well. Do not overtax your body. Do let it have the exercise it needs to function well.

Maintain your body and you will get years of happy use from it. Do not make it carry excess weight or do more than it can with less rest and food than it needs.

14. Develop a schedule for your day and week.

Create a rhythm for your life. Use schedules to bring certainty and predictability to your life. Keep those schedules loose and flexible enough to provide security. But do not become a slave to the tyranny of an excessively crowded schedule of your own making.

Include time in that schedule for happiness and the things that make you happy.

15. Nurture your mind and spirit.

Spend your time wisely. All work leaves you an unhappy person with things. Invest some of that time you get each day on things that improve and nurture your mind and your spirit. Read, watch a play, practice your religious faith.

16. Forgive yourself.

Making mistakes is a part of living life as a human. Learn to accept yourself warts and all. Let your mistakes go. Learn from experiences but don’t stay stuck in regrets.

These are some of my suggestions for creating a happy life. Do you have others that you would care to share?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to have a highly productive life.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Productivity

Get more done.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Highly productive people, how do they do it?

1. Productive People Set Goals.

Life happens whether you are ready for it or not. Knowing where you want to end up charts your course. Productive people think about the end result they want. What will it look like when they have accomplished that goal?

2. Productive People Plan the Steps.

Goals are nice. Someday you want to own your own business or you want to be a professional athlete. What are the steps you would need to take to move that plan into reality?

Break that goal up into the steps you will need to take to get there.

What skills will you need to learn? What will you have to practice? Most importantly, what other pleasures will you need to forgo along the way. Lots of promising, talented people fade between the start and the finish because they get distracted by the pleasures of the moment and forget to do the work needed to get where they said they wanted to go.

3. Spend more time doing than planning.

Planning is needed. So is preparation. But if all you ever do is dream, the dream stays in your head and does not materialize in reality.

Once you have that goal set and know the steps to get their make sure that each and every day you are doing something, no matter how small that thing is, that will move you toward your goal.

4. Evaluate what you are doing.

The best plans do not always anticipate the changes that happen in the world. Circumstances change, plans do not work out or they need to be modified.

People with very productive lives periodically reevaluate their plans. They know what is working and what is not working. They also reevaluate that goal. Is that goal still where you should be headed?

5. Adjust plans as needed.

Be open to modifying plans when it is clear that you need to do so. Do not make frequent changes out of insecurity and doubt.

That career you planned on in high school, those occupations may not exist. Technology changes, demand changes. Your plans may need to change with the circumstances.

6. Get advice from a coach.

When you are out there doing, you can’t see the things you are doing well or the things that need improvement. Top athletes work with coaches who can spot flaws in their performance.

Working with a good coach can take your efforts to a whole other level.

7. Have a plan B that flows from your plan A.

If you plan to be a professional athlete what happens if you don’t make the team? You can keep trying, but eventually, the dream meets up with reality. Even those who do reach that goal find that they can’t go on being a professional forever. What happens to you if plan A does not work out exactly the way you planned?

College athletes are well-advised to get that degree and develop their other talents. After your career as an athlete, long or short, what will you do? With a degree, you can teach. Maybe coach. Your options remain open.

8. Always be looking for the next step.

Periodically you need to look off into the distance. What is the next step in your development? When you get this goal accomplished what then?

Many people set goals, achieve them, and then lapse into a depression. Their one reason to exist is over. Now what?

9. Do not be easily discouraged.

In attempting anything there will be setbacks. Expect setbacks. Plan on having failures. Learn from those obstacles and perfect your skills.

Learn and practice your skills along the way and you will find that you were able to accomplish much more than you expected. Do not quit before the miracle happens and if you continue to work you are bound to experience some miracles.

10. Do not let obstacles stop you.

If one obstacle causes you to give up you will not get much done.  The more you accomplish the more the obstacles. Learn to climb over them. Sometimes you will need to change course and go around them.

An obstacle is a chance to improve what you do and how you do it not a permanent defeat.

11. Learn something new each day.

Add to your knowledge base. You never know when something you learned will turn out to be useful in the future. Do not wait till you are desperate for an idea to go looking for one.

Many innovations have been the result of taking something that a person had learned in one field and applying it to another area. Be that creative person who can synthesize and create new and novel approaches.

12. Build a team by being a team player.

Most highly productive people have a team that they can depend on that backs them up. Develop that team by being a team player. Get along with and value others around you.

13. Maintain your mental health.

Take care of your emotional health. Do not let things discourage you. Do not become overwhelmed with anxiety.

In the area of mental health, prevention is important. Have a support system. Learn ways to manage your stress and when those problems of life overwhelm you get help.

14. Treat your body well.

The mind depends on the body for its fuel and energy. Eat well, sleep well and play frequently. A healthy body is far more productive than an impaired one.

15. Get a support system for you non-work life

Great producers at work have good lives outside of work. Many a work problem originated at home and was brought to work. If you want a productive life do not neglect your non-work life.

16. Know your work type.

Every job has its characteristic work type. If your personality fits the job you will be more productive and happier. Happy people are more creative and productive.

Look for projects that fit your personality and try to avoid taking on projects that will make you unhappy.

Keep these productivity principles in mind and work towards becoming more productive each day. Over time you will be pleased to see how much you have gotten done and how much your life has improved as a result.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

19 features your potential mate should have.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Good relationship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

You know the features you want in your next car. What features should be on your requirements list for a life spouse and partner?

19 suggested features you should be shopping for in a potential mate.

If you are currently in a relationship – how many of these features does your current mate have?

How many do you have and how might you install more of your desired features in the relationship you already have.

It is a lot cheaper and more effective to improve the relationship you have than to trade it in on a new one.

1. You have common goals, dreams, and values.

When you are taking a life journey it helps to have a common destination in mind. If you are all about family and that partner of yours would prefer to avoid children and relatives you are headed for a fork in the road.

Religious and political differences are not insurmountable but if your potential partner plans to be a missionary recruiting for a religion you do not share, neither of you are likely to be happy.

Does one of you expect the woman to be a stay at home mother while the other is thinking dual-career relationship?

2. They trust you, which helps you trust them.

Starting a relationship off when one of you has “trust issues” is a dangerous journey.

Behaving in ways that reduce or damage that trust makes for a relationship headed in the wrong direction.

Partners who do not trust each other are at an extra risk to become controlling. Over time that control can turn to abuse.

3. They know about your defects and accept you anyway.

Far too many relationships begin with one or both of the parties hiding their true selves. If you feel you can’t be who you truly are around this other person then reconsider the relationship. Over time it will get incredibly difficult to hide your inner self.

If that other person can’t accept you for who you are in the beginning, eventually they will feel tricked and trapped. A relationship that begins with deception is headed for disaster.

4. They can tell you the things they like about you.

If your potential partner spends most of your together time talking about the things that are wrong with you and insists you need to change – beware.

Couples who, in the midst of conflict can still think of things they like about each other can work through difficulties. If that potential partner can’t see anything good about you, then you will never be their first choice.

Why would you prefer to be with a person who sees you as inherently defective? You are better off alone than in a relationship that will constantly pull you down.

5. You feel good when you are with them.

You should not have to suffer to be with this other person. Times together should feel like fun. If it feels scary, unhappy or anxiety-provoking to be with this other person, your nerves, the ones that signal you emotionally, are telling you to beware.

6. You are their star, not a supporting role.

Supporting roles are a second place behind the star. If you are just a person to be with, eventually your partner will look for someone to be in the starring role opposite them in their life script.

You deserve to be the first choice in someone’s life.

7. They make time for you, not make you fit their schedule.

A good relationship is built on shared experiences. You need to know that this other person would like to be with you more than to be doing something else.

Granted life is busy these days and earning a living can take a lot of time. But you need to know that this partner of yours will make you and your needs a priority.

8. You do not have to give up “me” for there to be an “US.”

In the early stages of relationships, people want to be together a lot. For the relationship to thrive there will need to be a time when you each are able to have your own separate lives as well as your life together. Do you have to give up family or friends to be with this person? Are their hobbies or activities that you enjoy that the other person insists you give up to be with them?

Is this about them controlling you and trying to change you to be acceptable to them or are they right that you need to give up some unhealthy people in your life?

9. They do not expect you to always be available when they want you.

A healthy relationship is when there is a give and take. If your potential partner demands you make them your one and only priority then this is a bad sign. Your partner should want to be with you but also should understand that there are times when other people and activities need your attention.

10. They do not need to get everything their way and win all the arguments.

Does this significant other of yours insist that they need to get their way all the time? Or can they compromise? Does giving in feel like losing to them?

11. They fit in with your family and friends not cut you off from them.

A good relationship should be a compliment to your existing life not a replacement for those other relationships in your life.

12. They are able to admit when they are wrong.

The longer you are with someone the more times each of you will find out that you made a mistake. Being able to admit those mistakes and move on will help heal any conflicts you two may have.

Some people can admit their errors and try to change. Other people will keep arguing till they make you wrong. Before long you will begin to think either you are going crazy or this person just can’t accept ever being wrong.

A person who thinks they are never wrong can be extremely difficult to live with after a very short time.

13. They are rarely boring.

Relationships do not need to be thrill rides full of adrenaline. But if you find yourself being bored when you are around this other person, you are in for a lot more boring when they are the primary person in your life.

15. Being with them is not a competition.

A relationship is a collaboration, not a competition. Constantly trying to outdo each other becomes old. Look for someone who can enjoy your triumphs and for whom you can cheer, not a partner that always needs to upstage you.

16. They admit their problems and are working on them.

If your potential partner is working to become the best they can be there is always room for improvement. It is the very annoying person who insists that the way they are is “just the way I am” and that you need to change to accommodate them. If they are not willing to work on themselves, they are not likely to be willing to work on the relationship when those inevitable problems arise.

17. They are not moody and let you know why they are feeling down or distant.

Someone who is constantly moody is not someone you can create a happy relationship with. Understand we all have our moods. Some people struggle with serious mental illnesses, depression, or anxiety. You can still have a great relationship together.

What that other person needs to be able to do is to communicate with you about their moods and to let you know that these moody times are about them not about it being your job to make them feel any one way. They also need to be working on themselves not expecting you to adapt yourself to their mood.

18. They are past the impulsive years and ready to be responsible.

Growing up is a process. Many people go through impulsive times. They make choices, try on new things, and grow.

Make sure that your potential partner is past those stages before it becomes too serious.

It is not fun to stay home with the children while your partner is off in another city having fun.

Do they work? Pay their bills and are they off probation? You are getting their past as part of the deal. Is their wreckage involved? Are student loans in default?

19. They are not trying to change you.

Change is a part of life. In any relationship, both people change over time. You want to be changing in the same direction and also be accepting of the way your partner changes.

What is especially bad for any relationship is when one party in the relationship insists that the other person change to suit them.

Be wary of someone who says they would be willing to like you if only you could change into someone else more to their liking.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Jiggles, Coat Hoods and Personal Space

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Thought this was worth reblogging. Hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did.

 

5kidswdisabilities's avatarRaising 5 Kids With Disabilities and Remaining Sane Blog

images-2 Raising a child with a sensory disorder, whether autism or not, is always a challenge. When younger, Steven was the type of kid who would have a huge meltdown if there were tags in his shirts or seams in his socks. Meeting new people was too overwhelming, and a change in his schedule would send him into a tizzy. Holidays were disasters and birthday parties…forget it!
Not used to going out to restaurants because of Steven’s behavior, we threw all caution to the wind and went out to a dinner buffet for my 35th birthday. We chose a very large booth waaaaaaayyyyyy in the back of the restaurant, away from the noise and the crowds. Six year old Steven, who was still on a liquid diet due to sensory issues, curled up in a ball in the corner of the booth. He pulled his hood up over his head to…

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Hair Pulling is a mental illness- trichotillomania.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anxiety provoking.

Anxiety.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Hair-Pulling Disorder – Trichotillomania.

Yes Hair-Pulling Disorder, the repetitive uncontrolled kind of hair pulling is a mental health issue. Humans are not the only creatures who resort to this kind of self-mutilation when under stress. Caged animals, especially birds do this when stressed also.

Hair-pulling Disorder sounds like an odd problem to have at first glance unless you or someone you know has had this disorder and then it takes on huge importance.

The way we understand this one has been changing. This is in flux and will take some time to sort out.

In the past, as reflected in the DSM-4 this was seen as a form of impulse control disorder. Much of the way it was treated in the past was behavioral. The focus was on the behavior and not the meaning or function it had for the person pulling the hair.

As an impulse control disorder, it was in with Pathological Gambling and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Hair pulling was for sure different than compulsive gambling but most people who had to treat clients with this problem didn’t know what else to do with it.

In the new DSM-5, when all the professionals switch to the DSM-5, this disorder will move to the section on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. This will put it more in the class of disorders with Hoarding and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. We are seeing that obsessions and compulsions are more driven than chosen behaviors.

This change in thinking makes a whole lot of difference in how it might get treated and it makes even more of a change in how the person who has the problem might react to that treatment.

Behavioral treatment is focused on the behavior and interrupting that behavior. So grandma might have used a treatment that consisted of slapping that hand each time the young person reached for the hair. The idea was that stop the behavior and you had the problem cured.

If we see this as OCD behavior, then this is not something the person is consciously doing. The behavior is functioning to reduce tension and there is this overwhelming need to do it. This would not be something that the person thought about beforehand and no amount of slaps or yells will change anything.

You might as well yell at someone for yawning. Once they yawn it is over. Besides we think yawning is about physical sensations, not inappropriate behavior. Despite that feeling, we still can get annoyed at people who yawn and we all try to stifle the yawn from time to time.

But if you got smacked for each and every yawn eventually you might give up and just avoid the person slapping you or you might feel that you were a bad person for not being able to control this sensation and you could punish yourself in some way.

So if this is a form of OCD we would want to know what the function of the behavior was. What anxiety or tension is the person trying to relieve by hair pulling? Reduce that tension; treat the anxiety and the hair-pulling stops on its own.

Young women are ten times more likely to get this diagnosis than young men. We do not mind seeing young men with very little hair but a young girl with bald spots, that gets noticed.

People who have Hair-Pulling Disorder (Trichotillomania) are also at higher than average risk to do other self-injurious behaviors. Someone with the hair-pulling disorder might also pick at their skin excessively, technically called excoriation, or they might nail-bite excessively.

There are also likely to become depressed and or develop another anxiety disorder.

So if you or someone you know is finding their life messed up because they are constantly pulling out hair, they develop bald spots for which there is no known medical cause and when they try to stop find they can’t, consider professional treatment.

Yes, absolutely Hair-Pulling Disorder (Trichotillomania) is a real mental illness of the obsessive-compulsive disorder type.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

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