What happens when you get stressed out?

Posted on March 9, 2026 by David Joel Miller

Stressed Out.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What happens when you get stressed out?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

Experiencing stress is universal.

It’s not just humans that experience stress. The experience of stress seems to affect all animals, and in highly similar ways. How you handle those feelings of stress and the long-term results can vary from individual to individual. Life transitions can be especially stressful.

In populations of animals that are under stress, illness, and mortality rates go up. The same thing happens to humans. What varies from person to person can be which of the common reactions to stress are most prominent, and what are the subsequent results. Let’s begin with a list of the common reactions and see how many of these might be familiar to you.

The difference between stress and anxiety.

Stress is that automatic response to danger. Anxiety is the fear we get that something bad is about to happen. Stress can produce anxiety, and anxiety could be stressful, but the ways in which you manage these two emotions are different. In later sections, I’ll talk about ways of coping with both stress and anxiety and how to differentiate the two.

The 4F’s of stress response.

Common immediate physiological responses to stress are sometimes described as the 4F’s. We seem to share these immediate responses with all other vertebrates. Even little lizards will respond in these ways when frightened or stressed.

Robert Sapolsky, in his book Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, describes the response of a zebra to suddenly seeing a lion coming their way. I’ll borrow a little of that description here just to give you an idea.

Do you freeze up when under stress?

Anything that startles you or stresses you may cause you to freeze up. It’s an immediate and initial response. Police officers must be overtrained so that when they pull their gun, they can make an instant decision. Freezing up in those kinds of crisis situations could result in an officer’s death.

When you’re stressed out, do you end up speechless? Is your first response confusion? Don’t think you’re alone. Stress is like an automatic circuit breaker, temporarily shutting down your nervous system, giving you time to think about the situation and decide what you want to do.

What would the zebra do? They would freeze up, hoping that the lion would think they were a rock and walk on by. But that freeze only lasts for a few seconds, and then, without even thinking, the second of the 4F’s kicks in.

Does stress make you flee?

The nervous system of our poor zebra, now under stress, begins to secrete large amounts of stress hormones. The blood flow to the zebra’s brain is now redirected to the four legs. Zebra is ready to run away at top speed.

Additionally, the hormones cause the zebra’s bowel and bladder to open up, dropping all that undigested grass and urine on the ground and lightening the load.

Under stress, do you become confused or have difficulty thinking? Do you sometimes feel you have an upset stomach and need to go to the bathroom? You’re feeling the same symptoms of stress that the zebra would feel, and so do all other vertebrae.

Under stress, do you fight?

Now our zebra is up against the rocks, and the lion is still coming. The zebra’s instinctive response is to kick as hard as possible at the lion’s head. That zebra might well be thinking, “lion, if you’re going to try to eat me, I’m going to hurt you really bad.” The zebra now kicks at the lion’s head, and if he is lucky enough to hit the lion in the eye, the lion may run away in pain.

We humans, when under stress, often feel an overwhelming urge to strike back at the person or thing that is stressing us. Sometimes we do that physically, and other times we may do it symbolically by saying nasty things or acting out in other ways.

Do you look for friends or romantic partners when under stress?

The last of the 4F’s has been described by several authors and goes by several names. It is sometimes described as flirt, friend, or fornicate. Under stress, most vertebrae will seek out others of their own kind either for sexual activity, to pass on their genes before they die, or for friendship and affiliation to comfort themselves.

Learning to recognize the symptoms of stress can help you cope.

Becoming aware that you are under stress and recognizing some of the common responses to stress can help reduce the impact on your body and your mind. Over the long term, continuing stress can be damaging both to your body and to your mental health.

Think about the ways in which you can learn to better cope with chronic stress and the things you might be able to do to change the situation.

Recommended Mental Health Books

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using the link on this page. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them, and they can do the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Life coaching clients must be working toward a specific problem-solving goal. Coaching is not appropriate if you have a diagnosable mental health problem. Also, life coaching is not covered by insurance. If you think life coaching for creativity or other life goals might be right for you, contact me directly.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Old Age, Descending from Life’s Peaks

Posted on February 23, 2026 by David Joel Miller

Old Age, Descending from Life’s Peaks
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

Eventually, we all must face the reality that, however well we were doing in life, we can’t do as much, or do it for as long, or as well, as we used to. Some of these changes come on gradually, but some of them are sudden and dramatic. I’ll share with you through the course of this series of blog posts some of my experiences with climbing down the backside of life’s mountain of accomplishments.

The fact that I was getting old and things were becoming more difficult for me to do has come on gradually. I think people with severe physical limitations recognize their challenges earlier than those people who have emotional and cognitive changes as a result of aging.

I had not expected to start having these experiences quite yet. I had put off retiring until I reached the age of 70, trying to maximize my retirement since I had started putting away money at a rather late point in my career. Working as a counselor, sitting here talking with people all day, experience and learning count for a lot. I hope I will be able to do it for a while longer, but the state of California convinced me that I need to be careful in monitoring my abilities.

I received a notice in the mail that I would need to go in to the Department of Motor Vehicles office and take both my eye and my written exam in person. Once you reach 70 in the state of California, there is no more automatic renewal and no more doing it remotely. I suppose that with technology that could change again, but the point is that past 70, there would be extra scrutiny on my ability to drive.

I have been driving since the middle of the 1960s and have had a relatively good driving record. In fact, I consider myself a more careful driver than most, and at least average or better in skill level. But it would appear that the state is suspicious of my abilities for no reason other than the number of trips I’ve made around the sun.

This presumption that past 70, someone miraculously becomes an incompetent driver is either a serious case of age discrimination or an indication that that’s the point in the lifespan of a human when we can reasonably expect to have declining abilities. On a recent trip to Texas to visit a somewhat distant relative, I took a look at their driver’s handbook and discovered that they wait until 85 years of age before they require any office license tests. Presumably, either the eyesight or the cognition of people living in Texas is superior to that of people living in California.

In all fairness, I can say my studying to take my California driver’s exam was not wasted effort. It appears that there have been a lot of new driving laws passed since I first got my license in the 1960s. Back then, we didn’t have to study blue zones, entering bike zones before making a right turn, rules for roundabouts, signs on the back of slow-moving vehicles, and most importantly, laws about possession of an open container of marijuana in a passenger vehicle.

While there was a humorous element to this experience, it drove home the principle that, at some point in the future, it may not be safe for me to continue driving. That opened the door to my considering for myself and for other people my age the inevitable process of losing the ability to do things that we had worked so hard should be able to do. Professionals have to ask themselves, will there come a time when they can’t safely and competently practice their profession?

As humans age, we gradually lose certain abilities. Not all of these losses are necessarily either awful or crucial. We do need to make sure that things people have to recognize as their age advances will be declines in at least some areas of functioning.

It is worth noting that just as there are many paths to climb life’s mountain and reach your peak potential, there are just as many ways in which the declines of old age will manifest themselves.

Recommended Mental Health Books

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them; they can handle the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller.

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel.

Climbing Life’s Mountain

Posted on February 9, 2026 by David Joel Miller

Climbing Life’s Mountain
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

The process of living life is a lot like climbing a metaphoric mountain. I hope you’ll bear with me as I describe my experience climbing my own life mountain and what I’ve learned as I begin to consider the process of climbing back down the other side. We spend many years trying to reach goals farther up the mountain.

From where I live and look out my window, there’s a range of mountains off in the distance. I’m not a professional mountain climber by any means. I’ve driven over to the mountains several times and gotten far enough up to see some of the sights, but I’ve never hiked up into the rough country near the top, and I know virtually nothing about what lies in the steep valley behind this range of mountains.

The same has been true with my life mountain. I started off life at the base of a very small hill, not really knowing what to expect. That first hill we must climb is developmental, learning to walk and talk. Some of us have great climbing coaches; others were mainly left on their own. Some people were born into a family of people who had gotten injured on their climb up their life mountain and who took their pain out on their children.

As we begin to climb, the very first gentle slope of elementary school, we discovered that there was not one and only one path to take in life. From year to year, we get different teachers who teach us different ways to approach this task of becoming the best we can be. Sometimes those adults who guide us are more encouraging than others. Some of the adults are negative and punitive.

Being repeatedly told that you’re not good enough, criticized for your failures, can lead to a condition called learned helplessness. As a professional therapist, I’ve worked with a number of clients who are struggling to overcome all that negative self-talk they were raised with.

Eventually, you should climb up the mountains in your life; you’re likely to meet other climbers. Some of them become friends, and some become romantic interests. If you’re a typical life mountain climber, you probably stopped by the caves at the local hillside and spent some time with your romantic partner. Eventually, young, inexperienced mountain climbers on life’s mountain become parents and have to pause their efforts to achieve the climb they had started until their own children are launched into life.

Eventually, most climbers run out of energy or run out of life and realize that they have climbed as high as they’re going to climb. No matter how much you accomplish in life, no matter how far you climb the mountain, there’s always another range of mountains that looks higher, farther off in the distance. That’s why it seems that successful people are never satisfied with their success. They must always keep climbing higher.

There are a lot of different trails to take you climbing on the mountain. Some trails keep you walking for a long time, but you end up right back where you started. Some trails are steep and slippery. You may, with enough exertion, move to a much higher vantage point on the mountain of life.

All the while you’re climbing while you are trying to get somewhere in life, you’re not likely to see much of what’s on the other side of the mountains. Every goal of accomplishment has its letdown.

The longer you live, the more you realize there’s no turning around and going back the way you came. You will never get younger. Self-care, diet, exercise, and good mental health may keep you energetic longer. Strenuous workouts might even give you strength and energy you didn’t know you had. But eventually, the process of living life will wear on you.

If you’re observant, at every phase along this life journey, you will discover that you can’t turn around. The trails all either go up, becoming increasingly more challenging, or they turn off to the side and detour you around to the back of the mountains.

What we eventually learn about the back of the mountain is that it is an equally challenging process of decline. Some people become ill and die suddenly. They fall off the Cliff or are caught in a landslide.

The next part of our journey will occur when we ask ourselves just how far up the mountain do we want to climb and at what cost. And then what will we do as we begin to lose those things, physical, financial, and emotional, that we acquired? In the next blog post, I want to begin the discussion of how the process of aging may rob us of the things we acquired in our journey to whatever pinnacle on the mountain we reached.

Recommended Mental Health Books

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Every lesson needs a story

Posted on February 2, 2026 by David Joel Miller

Stories
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Every lesson needs a story.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

One of my core character strengths is the love of learning. I’ve spent the better part of 70-plus years going to school, either as a student or a teacher, and some semesters I’ve done both: take classes and teach them.

It’s fine to learn general principles, but I have been told, and I have found it true, that the deepest form of learning comes from capturing the truth of something in a story.

When working with students, interns, and, often, clients, I have found that they resonate more with the stories I tell than with cold, hard facts. Often, as I’m thinking about a problem, an image comes to mind. Throughout this series of blog posts, I want to share some of those stories with you.

One explanation of this phenomenon comes from anthropology, along with some conjecture about human origins. Long before humans had written language, we sat around the fireplace at night, or our ancestors held up in a cave, and the wise old men and women told stories.

Hearing that you shouldn’t do something because it was dangerous and that the way to escape that danger was to do something else is hard to remember. But when you hear the story of how a young boy named Harry Potter or the girl Katniss Everdeen overcame their difficulties, you’re likely to remember it.

All the great religious books, from the original five books of the Bible through to the end of Jesus’ teachings and the Book of Revelation, tell stories. So do the sacred scriptures of the Muslims and the Hindus. I find that in my counseling work, things often make more sense to me, and to the clients, if I can capture their essence in a story. So, forgive me if this series of blog posts is heavily populated by stories.

Of course, I can’t tell the stories of real clients as that would violate their confidentiality or anonymity. But I can tell you stories that are about composite or fictional characters, and sometimes I tell stories about purely imaginary people.

Over the next weeks, I want to tell you some of my favorite life stories. I hope you’ll let me know if you recognize these stories and especially if you’ve lived them.

The first story I want to tell you is called “Climbing Life Mountain.” At first glance, it’s a relatively simple, straightforward story. But as we begin to develop the characters and the plot, I think you will see how this simple metaphor explains a lot about what happens to one person and not another, and how some people are able to overcome the worst of adversity, while others struggle even in the best of situations.

This metaphor is significant because most of what happens on the backside of the mountain, the descent of the old people from the peaks they had reached, has long been hidden from the view of the large mass of people climbing the front of the mountains. I believe that how one ends life matters just as much as how one begins it.

Note also that some of the most difficult challenges and also the most enjoyable had long been hidden from view in the caves scattered around the mountain. Getting together with a partner, engaging in sexual activities, and the birth of children have largely been hidden from the rest of the tribe.

I hope that you will check in next week when we begin our journey up the metaphorical mountain of life and try to understand how the things that happened in childhood and adolescence supposedly turn us all into adults, then gradually get shed in our journey down the other side of the mountain.

Recommended Mental Health Books

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Recommended Mental Health Books

Posted on January 26, 2026 by David Joel Miller

Recommended Mental Health Books
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Recommended Mental Health Books

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using this link. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Transitions.

Transitions. Making Sense of Life Changes. 2nd edition. William Bridges.

Kindle edition https://amzn.to/4qFNu95 Paperback https://amzn.to/4sXBSj5

Grief and loss.

Widow to Widow. Genevieve Davis Ginsburg.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/4t6G5RV Paperback. https://amzn.to/4biZfxs

Happiness and Positive Thinking.

What You Can Change and What Can’t. The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement.

Martin E. P. Seligman, PhD.

Kindle edition. Paperback. https://amzn.to/45rJuAC

Authentic happiness. Martin Seligman.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/4qMvVnY Paperback. https://amzn.to/4pUxI9f

Flourish. Martin Seligman.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/4q2uiB3 Paperback. https://amzn.to/3YUyLLj

Learned optimism. Martin Seligman.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/3O3eErS Paperback. https://amzn.to/4qFdcdI

Habits.

The Power of Habit. Charles Duhigg.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/4rd9I1R Paperback. https://amzn.to/3LTs7Sz

Thinking Fast and Slow. Daniel Kahneman.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/49PVnl6 Paperback. https://amzn.to/4sUWvwF

Relationships.

The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. John Gottman.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/49X6uc8 Paperback. https://amzn.to/4bN3MZ6

Parenting and Child Development.

Raising Good Humans. Doctor Thomas Lickona.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/4ac6FRT Paperback. https://amzn.to/49H3X6Y

Recovery and Substance Abuse.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Fourth Edition: The official “Big Book” from Alcoholics Anonymous

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/4thfMIT

Hardcover https://amzn.to/3NFMHGu

Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/4qNAezq Paperback. https://amzn.to/4pRMYDz

Success and becoming more Optimistic.

Mindset. Changing the way you think to fulfill your potential. Doctor Carol S Dweck.

Kindle edition. https://amzn.to/4acIrHc Paperback. https://amzn.to/45Ycb8k

The books above are ones that I find myself recommending on a regular basis. I will probably add to this list as time goes on, so if you have any questions, please send them my way.

As a reminder, Amazon’s terms of service required me to tell you that:

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using this link. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The Hows and Whys of Change.

Posted on January 12, 2026 by David Joel Miller

Experiencing change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The Hows and Whys of Change.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

There are two principal competing methods for navigating a life transition. Though many people choose a third option and do little or nothing till it is too late.

Make sure you know where you’re going before you leave.

This option was traditionally summarized as “look before you leap.”

If you are working at a job that you hate, one that is draining the life out of you, it’s often best to look for a new job first before quitting your current job. More than once, I have counseled someone who is unhappy with their current job, that the best time to look for a job is when you have one. Having some source of income keeps you going while you’re looking for your preferred job.

Rushing to change your situation can often end you up in a worse place than before. More than once, I’ve seen somebody leave a relationship to begin a new relationship only to have that replacement relationship turn out worse than the present one.

One way to summarize the problem with rushing from one situation to another is “wherever you go, there you are.” Sometimes it’s not the job or the relationship that’s causing the problem. If the problem is something you need to learn or change about yourself, then staying in your current situation while you work through those issues can be the best course of action.

You have to end something before you can start something new.

This is essentially what’s behind door number 2. Walking away from the known into uncertainty can be a very scary task. As long as you’re busy working at a job you don’t like, you may find it difficult to go out and apply for a new job. If you stay stuck in a dysfunctional relationship, you may never achieve true happiness.

Cautious and fearful people spend a lot of time trying to be sure about their decisions. But you will never know what you don’t know. As long as your life is full, you have neither the room nor the time to explore alternatives.

Many people who have successfully navigated severe life transitions have reported that they had to go through an ending of one life path and the resulting period of uncertainty before they could discover the direction they wanted to go in the future.

So why do you have to go through a transition?

If you’re facing a life change, some kind of transition, it’s worth considering how this change came about and what, if any, options you have. There are two principal causes of change in our lives: external events, those things that are thrust upon us, and things that are internal, a matter of our individual wants and preferences. People lose their jobs through layoffs, getting fired, or company closures. Romantic relationships end because you and your partner can’t get along, or your partner decides to end the relationship.

Sometimes relationships end because your life partner dies. How long you need to go through the grieving process varies from person to person. But sooner or later, there will be the emotion of grief and loss.

Physical health changes across the lifespan. Sometimes health issues are a result of conditions out of our control, such as genetics, heredity, accidents, injuries, and other conditions outside our control. Other times, it’s a result of unhealthy living or things that we probably should have attended to sooner.

In the process of planning a way forward through these life transitions, it’s often wise to take a look at the causes to avoid repeating the same course of action. If you find that you are repeating patterns in your life, it may be worth the effort to look at your past and to do some work on yourself, either by utilizing self-help groups, education, or by formal counseling and therapy.

Other times, you don’t have the option of spending time analyzing the past because the crisis is upon you and you must move forward. We will begin this process by looking at how you move forward, but in the future section, I want to suggest you take a look at how your past may be influencing your present.

Recommended Mental Health Books

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Life is choked with transitions.

Posted on January 5, 2026 by David Joel Miller

Hallway of transitions
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Life is choked with transitions.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

Over the last few years, my practice as a therapist and counselor has shifted. Some of that is because of COVID and learning to work remotely online, doing telehealth. I’ve found that my practice has shifted from working mainly with young people starting out in life to serving an ever-increasing number of older people.

I hesitate to call these people elderly since most of them are younger than me, but I’m sure that I am the exception that proves the rule. I feel fortunate that, despite being 77 years old, I can still work and be productive.

Two things stand out in my online practice, which are different from what I saw when I worked for the county or in an office in private practice. I am seeing far fewer children or couples, and many more single adults and older adults. While the specific mental health diagnoses vary a great deal, what I see most often is people struggling with life’s transitions.

When the challenges life throws at you are overwhelming, you’re very likely to develop high anxiety, severe depression, a substance use disorder, or some kind of dysfunctional behavior.

For better or worse, I have personally gone through a pretty large number of life transitions. I tell my clients that I have learned a lot more about life’s problems, particularly aging, than I ever wanted to know. I’ve spent a lot of time studying the challenge of transitioning from one thing to another, both by reading the research and by living the experience.

I mentioned these things not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, but because I’ve developed a special sensitivity to the role that transitions play in all our lives.

There are certainly developmental transitions, and some people experience difficulty navigating those. Progressing through school involves its share of developmental challenges. Graduating, whether it’s from high school or college, and then entering the workforce can be a major transition for many people. In my role as a clinical counselor, I have studied career counseling and the challenges of finding the right job. That task deserves an entire series of posts.

Getting into and out of relationships involves a great many painful as well as joyous transitions. I believe that the increasing lifespan has led to more people ending one relationship and starting another than at any other time in human history. I intend to talk about the changing nature of human relationships in an upcoming post.

At some point, most of us will go through conflicts with our spouses, and some people will experience breakups or divorces. If you live long enough, you may experience the death of a spouse. An increasing number of family members are struggling with a loved one who is in Hospice and dying, or living in a long-term care facility. There’s also the transition of the person who loses individual functioning. Dementia has become more common and causes a great deal of suffering both for the person with dementia and for those who encounter the dementia sufferer.

For something to be considered a mental illness, it has to affect a person in four basic areas. If your problem interferes with social functioning, your ability to have relationships with family and friends, including your romantic partner, then it’s a reason for your problems to be considered a mental illness. Any problem which is severe enough to interfere with occupational functioning is also diagnosable. By occupation, we don’t just mean paid employment. We also would include school or the duties of parenting if that were a full-time activity.

The third criterion for diagnosing someone with a mental illness is that it causes them subjective distress. If something is so upsetting to you that you just can’t stand it, and the pain of this event or condition is unbearable, then we call that a mental illness. And lastly but not least, if what you’re dealing with interferes with your ability to function in some other area that is important to you, even if it is a hobby or a recreational activity, it may qualify as a mental health diagnosis.

From that brief description of reasons why something might be diagnosed, I think we can all see that transitions or changes in any one of those areas can be overwhelming.

Eventually, I will probably get around to discussing most, if not all, of these issues. But being very action-oriented, I thought I’d start with a brief description of what I understand to be the main ways in which people cope with and sometimes overcome the challenges of life’s transitions.

The next stop in our journey of understanding the nature of life transitions and how to overcome them will be a brief review of the two major theories about how to navigate life transitions.

Recommended Mental Health Books

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Don’t confuse social anxiety with being an introvert.

Posted on March 10, 2025 by David Joel Miller

Social Anxiety
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Don’t confuse social anxiety with being an introvert.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Having social anxiety does not make you an introvert.

Many people seem to be mistaking social anxiety for being an introvert. Several people have told me they think they are introverts because they are shy and anxious in social settings. I believe their problems are much more likely to be social anxiety than to be happening because they are introverts.

Social anxiety is a whole other thing. It’s my belief that social anxiety can occur in people who are introverts or extroverts with similar frequency. Let’s look at the difference between introverts and extroverts and what qualifies someone as socially anxious.

What’s the difference between being an introvert and an extrovert?

Introversion and extroversion are concepts from psychology. As with many traits that psychology attempts to measure, they exist on a continuum. Some people are incredibly introverted, some only a little, some are mildly extroverted, and others extremely extroverted.

A simple definition of the difference between introversion and extroversion is what activity energizes you. Introverts are energized by their time alone. While they may occasionally like socializing and may even have many friends, a real introvert needs time alone regularly to think, relax, and prepare for their next social activity.

Introverts are drawn to occupations where they work alone. They are much happier in their little cubicle than in a noisy, crowded situation.

Extroverts are energized by the time they spend with others. While they can tolerate small periods alone, extroverts, by their nature, are constantly seeking out others. Their time with groups interacting with others energizes them and is a part of having a flourishing life.

Some people are Ambiverts.

There are a lot of people who are in the middle between introverts and extroverts. The people who like a happy balance between their time alone and their time with others. I see more and more authors calling this substantial number of people who lie toward the middle of the continuum of introversion and extroversion Ambiverts.

Often, but not always, performers are extroverts. Many musicians love the opportunity to do a live show. Some of their most outstanding work is done while performing in front of a large audience. Cheers and applause give their lives meaning and purpose.

Occasionally, you’ll encounter a performer who has studied extensively and developed their talent, either as a musician, a singer, or some other specialty, and who becomes extremely anxious before each performance. While their talent may bring them praise and success, they dread those times when they must appear live on stage.

Being socially anxious has specific characteristics.

According to the latest copy of the diagnostic and statistical manual, the DSM-V TR, there are 6 specific characteristics of social anxiety. This book also includes a description of 5 other things that have to be ruled out to ensure that the person’s problems are actually caused by social anxiety and not something else. Diagnosing and treating social anxiety is a specialized area. Social anxiety may also look different in children than it does in adults. Please look at some of the other posts I’ve written on anxiety disorders. Here are some of the high points.

Being socially anxious is the fear of being negatively evaluated.

People with social anxiety are afraid of what other people may think of them, and they are terrified of being evaluated when they must interact with others. Something as simple as having a conversation, meeting new and unfamiliar people, or being watched while eating or drinking can be overwhelming for people with social anxiety.

Many people with social anxiety want to be more outgoing and have more friends. Socially anxious people are frequently lonely and wish they had more human contact. While introverts may have many friends, they just value their alone time. On the other hand, socially anxious people may desperately want to make new friends but are terrified that the other person will evaluate them negatively.

One of the great fears of the socially anxious is that their anxiety symptoms will show, and then they will be judged for being anxious. Their fear of being embarrassed or humiliated leads them to avoid others and to be extremely sensitive to the threat of rejection. Socially anxious people fear doing things or saying things that might offend others.

People with social anxiety almost always experience fear and anxiety in a variety of social situations.

There are treatments for social anxiety.

While being an introvert or an extrovert is a personality characteristic, there is no right or wrong way to be. Therapy can help overcome social anxiety. If you’re an introvert, enjoy your time alone, but try to balance it with time with family and friends. But if you’re socially anxious, get help to overcome this debilitating disorder.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Life coaching clients must be working toward a specific problem-solving goal. Coaching is not appropriate if you have a diagnosable mental health problem. Also, life coaching is not covered by insurance. If you think coaching for creativity or other life goals might be right for you, contact me directly.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller.

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Ease Your Mind: Proactive Strategies to Prevent Anxiety Attacks

Posted on July 8, 2024 by David Joel Miller

Unlock valuable insights and guidance for navigating life’s challenges by visiting counselorssoapbox.com, where licensed therapist David Joel Miller shares his expert reflections.

Ease Your Mind:
Proactive Strategies to Prevent Anxiety Attacks
Illustration by Freepik

Ease Your Mind:
Proactive Strategies to Prevent Anxiety Attacks

In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, anxiety often lurks in the shadows, ready to pounce when we least expect it. The unpredictable nature of anxiety attacks can be overwhelming, leaving us feeling vulnerable and out of control. However, understanding the triggers and implementing effective strategies can empower us to take charge and prevent these sudden episodes. This article delves into practical tips and holistic approaches that can help you build resilience and maintain calm amidst the storm, ensuring that anxiety doesn’t dictate your life’s narrative.

Put Your Thoughts on Paper

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can serve as a powerful therapeutic tool, allowing you to process emotions in a structured manner. This practice provides a safe space to express yourself freely, helping to release pent-up feelings and reduce internal stress. By regularly journaling, you can gain valuable insights into your emotional patterns and triggers, fostering greater self-awareness. Over time, this increased understanding can lead to better emotional management and a clearer perspective on your life’s challenges.

Simplify Your Life Through Scheduling

Organizing your daily and weekly tasks via a scheduling system can eliminate the chaos of a cluttered mind. Whether it’s a digital app or a classic planner, find a system that resonates with your lifestyle and use it to keep track of your obligations and appointments, ensuring nothing slips through the cracks. A well-maintained schedule can reduce anxiety by making your responsibilities more manageable.

Consider an Emotional Support Pet

Recognize the emotional support a pet can offer. Animals such as dogs and cats provide unconditional love and a comforting presence that can dramatically decrease feelings of anxiety. Their need for regular care and interaction also establishes a rewarding routine that can help stabilize your day-to-day life. Pets not only offer companionship but also encourage physical activity, which is beneficial for managing anxiety.

Alternative Anxiety Support

When traditional methods don’t align with your preferences, alternative modalities can be an excellent way to manage anxiety before moving toward medication. Consider these options:

Try acupuncture: This ancient technique is known for its ability to balance the body’s energy and reduce stress, and it’s shown to have fewer side effects than medication.
Utilize essential oils: Aromatherapy using lavender or chamomile can create a calming atmosphere in your home.
Look to ashwagandha: Ashwagandha, an adaptogenic herb, is known for its ability to reduce anxiety by lowering cortisol levels and promoting a sense of calm and overall well-being.
Explore the benefits of THCa: This non-psychoactive cannabinoid is reputed for its anti-anxiety properties without the high associated with THC. A THCa cartridge can be a practical way to utilize this substance.

Build a Positive Mindset

Learning to frame your experiences positively can transform challenges into opportunities. Instead of viewing a busy week as a source of stress, consider it a chance to advance your projects and goals. This mindset shift can significantly lessen the impact of potential anxiety triggers. Viewing life’s hurdles as growth opportunities fosters resilience against anxiety. By consistently practicing positive reframing, you begin to cultivate a more optimistic outlook that naturally buffers against the pressures of daily life.

Seek Supportive Relationships

Establishing a robust support system is crucial. Surround yourself with friends, family, or community members who understand your experiences with anxiety and are ready to help when needed. Knowing you have a dependable support network can provide immense comfort and a sense of security. They can offer a different perspective or help you through tough moments, reinforcing your ability to manage anxiety.

Engage in Deep Breathing Techniques

Deep breathing is a powerful tool for managing anxiety in the moment. Practice techniques like the 4-7-8 breathing method, which involves breathing in for four seconds, holding the breath for seven seconds, and exhaling for eight seconds. This practice can help control panic and bring immediate relief during anxiety peaks. Consistent practice can make this a go-to strategy during stressful situations.

Embracing these strategies marks the beginning of a transformative journey toward a more serene and controlled life. Each technique offers practical solutions and contributes to a foundational shift in how you experience and manage anxiety. As you integrate these methods, the cumulative effect can profoundly alter your daily interactions and reactions, leading to a sustained enhancement of your mental well-being.

Illustration by Freepik

Guest post courtesy of Jennifer Scott.

Being socially anxious may be a good thing.

Posted on May 6, 2024 by David Joel Miller

Social Anxiety
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Being socially anxious may be a good thing.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Recently, many of the people I’ve been talking to report that they are suffering from social anxiety. They become so anxious that they are afraid to leave their house or be around others. Some of this may be a residual effect from what we were calling the Covid pandemic. But I think it goes deeper and has been around a lot longer than just our experience with the Covid virus.

Western culture emphasizes rugged individualism.

During my lifetime, there has been a lot of discussion about the value of being an individual, charting your own course, and being your own man or woman. There are certainly some advantages to individuality. I don’t think living in a world where all the songs sounded the same would be very enjoyable. Sometimes, it’s worthwhile to follow your own path and do your own thing, but I think there’s also something to be said in praise of the value of a certain level of conformity.

Social anxiety may well have started out as an evolutionary advantage.

Think about living in a preindustrial society with no modern weapons or houses. One person going out into the forest or jungle alone, even if they had a sharp stick, was at risk of being killed and eaten by a mountain lion or a tiger or bear. But a group of 10 men, all with spears, can fight off that predator. When you go hunting in a group, it’s better if they all like you. If you’re the one being attacked by the mountain lion, you don’t want the other saying, “I’m not going to risk my life for him!”

All societies have rules.

I hear many people saying that they shouldn’t have to follow certain rules, but I think they’re not conscious of how often they actually follow them and how offended they would be if others didn’t. Parents who are separated will tell me that the problem with their children is that when they visit their other parent, there are no rules. I find that hard to believe. The rules may be different in different places, but I think most people, children included, can learn that there are different rules in different settings.

Most people are pretty good about going in the bathroom to do their business. You don’t see people defecating and urinating next to their table at the restaurant. I think we all would agree that in most places, people don’t walk into stores without wearing clothing. The point here is that we all seem to, at some level, think certain rules should be understood without having to be posted and reiterated.

I get that many of these rules were learned early in childhood, but that’s what parents, the extended family, and your village or society are all for.

The need for social conformity is less than it was.

When you live in very small groups with other people, you have to follow the rules or risk their wrath. In this modern society, more and more people live alone, as childless couples, or with relatively few people in their homes. Aside from a few legal exceptions, what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. But as soon as you leave that house, it’s a good idea not to offend too many people. Particularly the people who are called law enforcement.

So, how do you keep social anxiety in its proper place?

People need to develop social intelligence. Performers and politicians might refer to this as “reading the room.” Remember, there are certain fundamental rules; people won’t like you if you don’t follow them. An essential part of this skill is a characteristic we call emotional intelligence. If you spend some time learning and appreciating the variety of emotions people might be having, you’re more likely to interact with them in a positive way and less likely to provoke a conflict.

What’s the problem with social anxiety?

People with social anxiety go too far down the road of trying to please everyone rather than realizing what they need to do or the need to follow social conventions. You’re off base if you constantly worry about what others think of you and how they judge you. But you should ask yourself if you are doing the right or acceptable thing. Beyond that, whether other people like you or don’t like you, whether they think you’re wearing the correct brand of clothing or not, is probably none of your business.

Being different isn’t always safe.

Sometimes, being different sets you apart. Entertainers, celebrities, and influencers all want to be different and unique. But being too different can make other people anxious, and people who are high in anxiety or provoked can do some pretty dangerous things. While our society encourages people to be individuals, each one of those individuals should recognize that not everyone will like your brand of individuality. Social anxiety warns us that sometimes going against the crowd has its price.

How about you? Do you think of yourself as an individual? Are you highly in social anxiety and constantly worrying about what other people think about you? How do you balance your needs with the need to not provoke others? Let me know what you think about social anxiety’s disadvantages and benefits.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

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Category Archives: Mental Health

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Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

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Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

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Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

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Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

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Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

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Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

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Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

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Having social anxiety does not make you an introvert.

What’s the difference between being an introvert and an extrovert?

Some people are Ambiverts.

Being socially anxious is the fear of being negatively evaluated.

There are treatments for social anxiety.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Share this:

Unlock valuable insights and guidance for navigating life’s challenges by visiting counselorssoapbox.com, where licensed therapist David Joel Miller shares his expert reflections.

Ease Your Mind: Proactive Strategies to Prevent Anxiety Attacks

Put Your Thoughts on Paper

Simplify Your Life Through Scheduling

Consider an Emotional Support Pet

Alternative Anxiety Support

Build a Positive Mindset

Seek Supportive Relationships

Engage in Deep Breathing Techniques

Illustration by Freepik

Share this:

Being socially anxious may be a good thing.

Western culture emphasizes rugged individualism.

Social anxiety may well have started out as an evolutionary advantage.

All societies have rules.

The need for social conformity is less than it was.

So, how do you keep social anxiety in its proper place?

What’s the problem with social anxiety?

Being different isn’t always safe.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Share this:

Ease Your Mind:
Proactive Strategies to Prevent Anxiety Attacks