Category Archives: Recovery and Resiliency

Running hard after recovery.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ball recovery

Recovery and Resiliency.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How hard are you running?

“I ran real hard after drugs, I’m gonna run real hard after recovery,” the client said. Even after they left I couldn’t get this out of my head. We all run real hard after our problems but how hard are we willing to run after our recovery.

Being a drug addict or an alcoholic is hard work. So are all kinds of other problems we get stuck in. The addict’s life consists of thinking about their drug of choice, all day long. There is not much room for other thoughts.

From the time they get up till the time they crash out the search for drugs is on. Addicts truly work hard to get the money to buy drugs. They do things they thought they would never do. Things they said you couldn’t pay them enough to do until they needed the money for drugs.

Every drug has its culture and the addict stays with his own kind as much as they can. The Heroin addict knows about rigs, going to the cotton, and cotton fever. The Meth smoker knows about a hundred ways to make a pipe out of any sort of scraps. The alcoholic, well for them it is types of wines and how to order a drink, on the rocks, straight up, beer back or chaser.

The addict knows how to chase their drug and the lifestyle that goes with it like an Olympic athlete. What they don’t know is how to chase recovery.

One old-timer at a 12 step meeting used to ask the newcomers a couple of simple questions.

How far were you willing to go to get a drink or a drug? How far are you willing to go to get recovery? Shouldn’t you be willing to go farther for recovery than for your addiction?

People practice for years, sometimes decades to become really good at their addiction. Maybe we should call that really bad in their addiction. But something happens when they get into recovery. They think the training is over.

Anyone who has been around meetings knows that while the addict may take a vacation from the disease the disease does not forget the addict. While the alcoholic is taking a break from drinking their disease is growing. The older we get the less alcohol or drugs our poor liver can take. The brain never forgets how to use like an addict.

Recovery is not something you can buy, purchase at the cost of programs and meetings and then tuck it away in a drawer for the time you will need it. Recovery is a set of skills and they need to be practiced over and over.

Americans have grown heavier than ever before. Many of us engage in physical activity by watching it on T. V. instead of participating in the activity. Watching exercise won’t keep you in shape. A shelf full of self-help books won’t help your recovery if you don’t read them and then go on to practice the principles in those volumes. Recovery is something we need to keep practicing.

How hard are you running after your recovery?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

13 Ways to Make Yourself Miserable.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Unhappy emoticon

Unhappy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How to create a miserable life – let me count the ways.

1. Require yourself to be perfect.

No matter how well you do at anything, tell yourself you should have done better. Flog yourself repeatedly because you “should have” done better. Carefully avoid ever giving yourself credit for anything you ever do right.

2. Compare yourself to others constantly.

Look for someone who is taller, smarter, richer, or better looking. Keep comparing yourself until you find people who were better at something than you. Did you win a gold medal at the Olympics? Was there someone who won two? Did someone win 5 or 7 once? Did a medalist run for Congress? There must be someone out there who was better than you!

3. Discount all your accomplishments.

Did you get the highest score on a test? Well, you should have done better. You were just lucky that day. Tell yourself that your accomplishment is no big thing. Do it right ten times in a row, remind yourself that you might fail next time.

4. Call yourself names.

Remember to call yourself stupid or ugly several times a day. Repeat over and over “I am a loser.” Need help thinking of insults? Call those around you names and encourage them to call you names back.

5. Focus on your disabilities.

Remind yourself that you are too tall or too short. Can you claim to be too dumb or too smart? Anything can be a disability if you can find a way to allow this to hold you back.

6. If someone gives you a compliment toss it back.

Instantly dismiss any compliments. If they really knew you they would not have said that. You know you are not worthy. It was no big deal. Anyone else would have done it better, right?

7. Become indignant when anyone criticizes you.

How dare them to criticize a helpless person like you. Do not ever take any critique in a positive way. If you are not the best at something know it is because you are worthless not because you have something yet to learn. Make no effort to improve yourself and remind yourself that they are just criticizing you because they hate you and think you are worthless.

8. Self-sabotage.

If things start going too good mess it up. Get drunk, do some drugs, gamble it all away. No point in being good if you can’t have fun. No reason to have fun if you can’t take it to revolting extremes.

9. Hang out with negative people who will agree that you should be miserable.

Avoid those suspicious positive people. Look for the Gloomy Gus’s of the world. They know what is up and will not mislead you with any of that happiness stuff.

10. Never do something when you can complain.

Take no action that might change anything. Especially avoid changing you. Make sure you complain often and loudly until someone agrees with you that things are bad and you are worse.

11. Neglect self-care – you don’t deserve it.

Taking care of yourself is a waste of time and money. A miserable person does not deserve anything and you are out to deprive yourself as much as possible.

12. Make lists of things that could go wrong.

Look for misery anywhere you can find it. Catalog all the things that could go wrong. Watch the news and look for the awaiting catastrophes.  Imagine all the failures and diseases you or your family could get and hide from them. Worry about what could go wrong but under no circumstance should you do anything to prevent catastrophes or protect yourself.

13. Work at a job you hate.

Pick a dead-end job and stay there until you die. Carefully avoid any effort to improve your job or career. Never get more education or learn new skills. There is no point in trying as you know that happiness is an illusion and everyone hates their job. If you start to like your job become suspicious and quit. Take a new job that is less rewarding. Good things can’t last so if this is too enjoyable it is bound to go wrong soon.

This blog was inspired by a post of Tim Brownson on Steven Aitchison’s blog CYT (Change Your Thinking)

Tim’s post started as 12 ways but ended as 14 ways. Since I was not sure that would be enough ways to create misery I have come up with 13 more ways. If you need more ways to be miserable check out the list at CYT.

Now should you decide you have had enough misery and want some recovery, try doing the opposite of these suggestions.

Any of you have other ways you have made yourself miserable that you would care to share? What are you doing to move from misery to happiness? What has worked to make your life happy?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Is it Complex Grief, Depression or Bereavement?

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Bereavement

Bereavement, grief, and loss.
Picture courtesy of Pixabay.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Just what is Complex Grief, compound grief and why have people been asking about them recently?

Complex grief is also called complicated grief, traumatic grief, prolonged grief, chronic grief, or extreme grief.

The Idea behind Compound grief and its many other labels is that while most everyone experiences grief at some point in their life, sometimes that grief becomes debilitating and people with these issues need help. The questions become, is this a mental illness and how should people with severe grief issues be helped.

One thing therapy shouldn’t do is turn everyone into a mental patient and start requiring treatment for all. In professional lingo, this is called pathologizing clients. There is plenty to do helping people who genuinely need help so we don’t need to enlarge the number of disorders just to keep counselors busy.

Grief is a normal part of life. People we love die. The loss of a close family member should make you sad. When does this move from a normal part of life to a disorder requiring treatment? And who should pay for this? Insurance companies may cover necessary treatment but they will draw the line if normal human emotions become the subject of treatment. The more diseases we create the more health care will cost. Besides if someone really has an extreme impairment as a result of bereavement that becomes Major Depression and gets treated right? Not exactly.

Currently, grief is excluded from the DSM-4 criteria for depression. The reasoning for this was that if everyone is likely to experience this sooner or later, then it is not a mental illness. Just how much the death of a family member is expected to affect us is mostly a result of culture. Some cultures mourn for a year or more. The widow or widower wears black and is granted time to grieve their loss.

In western society, we limit grief to 60 days. Many other acute life events are limited to 30 days. After that, you are supposed to get back to work and living. Since the DSM guide to mental illnesses is published by the American Psychiatric Association it reflects American and western values. That may not be appropriate for people of other cultures regardless of where they live.

Currently, the loss of a close person is included in the DSM as V62.82 Bereavement. V codes normally are not covered by most insurance plans. At least two factions are working to change this.

Those who are working on the new DSM-5 report that Complex grief is a disorder proposed by groups outside the APA which is being considered. Additionally, people within the APA have suggested removing the exclusion for grief from the definition of Major Depressive Disorder. That would result in more people who have severe symptoms as a result of grief getting treatment under the Depression code. I suspect that in practice most clinicians, after a while, go ahead and give the diagnosis of depression, grief, or no, after the client has had problems for a while.

But there is another problem with all this increasing of treatment for grieving people. A specialty is growing up of practitioners who say they specialize in “grief counseling.” The research has not been kind to some of those “Grief counselors.” Some grief counseling seems to do more harm than good.

Personally, I am all for helping people who need help but the idea that we might evolve a subspecialty of counselors who are doing harm not good worries me. Complex grief is not the only area where we have a risk of doing more harm than good.

Some of the treatments for PTSD and other trauma counseling have the potential to make the victim relive the experience, rather than allowing them to heal. The repeated exposure to the trauma may retraumatize the client and makes them worse.

Not everyone who experiences the loss of a loved one has symptoms we might call complex grief. People with a past history of Major Depression are more likely to become depressed again if someone close to them dies. So is this a new disorder “complex grief” or is this a reemergence of Major Depression? Add a second stressor like financial problems, divorce, alcoholism, or addiction and the loss of a loved one is more likely to affect people’s functioning.

People with multiple losses are more at risk and so are people who have a loss in early life and then experience a loss again. If you lose a parent as a child, are you more likely to feel sad when someone else dies in your life? Does that make the second loss a mental illness?

Men and women differ in the way they show grief, so do people of different cultures. We would want to avoid creating a mental illness that only one sex or culture gets diagnosed with. But then we already have several that are more likely to be given to women than men.  Does that mean that there is a difference in the mental health of one sex or the other or only that we are defining the emotions of women and ways they express them as a mental illness?

Professionals don’t all agree on this.

So what do I think will happen? Wish my crystal ball was clearer. My guess is that we will not add complex grief as a new disorder. The APA looks poised to soften the criteria for Major Depression and let some people who are suffering from depression as a result of a traumatic loss get more help.

I also expect to see more peer and self-help groups with or without professional assistance.

So what do you think? Is complex different from normal grief? Should it be a separate diagnosed mental illness or is it a normal human emotion?

This post was featured in “Best of Blog – May 2012”

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

People are like them trees.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Tree

Tree.

“People are like them trees,” the old man said as he pointed out the window. I must have looked at him like he was crazy because he started to explain.

“Ain’t a one of them that grows straight up to the sky, not one! Some of them look straight from far off but when you get to looking right up close they everyone gots their scars.”

“They start off all looking straight; we stake them up nice and neat but sooner or later we takes the stakes off and then the tree has to grow on their own. People try to do that with their kids, stake them up, fence them round and keep them growing up on the straight. But eventually, the parents got to back off and let the kids grow on their own just like we do them trees.”

“Trees grow for a while and then they take off in one direction or other, eventually they end goin off this way or that and then they head back towards the light and grow a different way. Lots of twists and turns in direction we all have.” Had to agree with that one, not many people grow up and grow out in the same direction I thought. “We need to change direction from time to time just like them trees.”

“Sometimes them trees get pruned back, branches cut off. Life done pruned me some, recon it pruned you too” he said and gave me a glance. I had to agree my life had changed direction, been pruned a few times too. Some of that pruning hurts at the time even when it makes you grow straighter, I thought.

“Look at that one there,” he said, pointing to one large tree with a lot of branches going every which way. “He been reaching out for a long time trying to find the sun when all the time it is up there above him. We peoples look all around for happiness and don’t even know it is there like the sun for the taking long as we don’t keep grown after every which way thing.”

The longer I looked the more I could see how he was right. Trees have knots and scars just like us. But they keep on growing, growing towards the light. Trees like people grow up or we die.

“What kind of tree are you?” He asked. I said I didn’t know exactly, just one that kept changing direction looking for the light.

Never thought about it that way I said to the old man. Mind if I share the “people are like trees” idea with some other folks? “Go right ahead,” he said. “Can’t recall who told me.”

Ever since our talk, I have been thinking about the way my life keeps changing direction but keeps reaching for the sky. What will this tree of my life look like when it is done growing?

Say what do you think? What kind of tree are you?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is self-care?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Self-care.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you take care of yourself?

In recovery and resilience literature we talk a lot about self-care, how you do it, what you do, and most importantly why it is important. In a previous blog post, we talked about the connection between PTSD and sleep. There is a lot more to self-care than just lying in bed enough hours or eating the right food. Let’s look at some of the areas of self-care that are important for mental and emotional health.

For people in recovery from substance abuse or from mental illness, sometimes from both, self-care is of vital importance. We talk about it but rarely get specific about just what that means. Recovering people often make excuses for a lack of self-care. Good self-care does not have to be expensive. I wrote in a previous post about ways to find help and counseling if you have little income and no health insurance. But let’s be honest here. I see people who have money for their addiction, money for their hobbies or entertainment but say they have no money for self-care. Make self-care a priority. It is extremely important for your recovery.

Keeping your life in balance is the first rule of self-care. An excess of emphasis in any one area is likely to throw your emotional balance and your recovery off. Too much nicotine is a problem. Emotional problems can result in a sharp increase in smoking. I think any smoking is too much, but if you have not yet reached the point of quitting, monitor your consumption, and keep it to a minimum.

Physical health.

Your insides are important. Make time to see a doctor and address your physical health concerns.  Sometimes things we worry about turn out to be unimportant. I have never seen a serious illness that got better without treatment. Putting off finding out if you have a disease or condition does not prevent it. Not treating an illness allows it to become more serious.

Physical health is also about having your vision and hearing checked. Children who need glasses and don’t get them are at high risk to fall behind in school and not achieve their full potential. Adults who can’t see or hear don’t succeed as well in jobs or life.

Besides wearing glasses makes you look smarter and cooler!

Outward appearance.

One way recovering people can judge their progress is by their appearance. When you are depressed fixing yourself up does not matter. It may even require more effort than you can muster. A lack of attention to your appearance is an indicator of your low mental state; it can also affect that state. Spending more time on grooming and shopping for new clothes can also make you feel better about yourself.

Nutrition.

Poor nutrition can make your mental condition worse. There is lots of material out there on the internet and in books about diet. Spending some time reading about better health and working to improve that health can improve your outlook on life. Don’t neglect the most vital of all nutrients. Lack of adequate water can make you fuzzy-headed. A large number of people think they are hungry when in fact they are thirsty. This leads to weight gain and poor mental health. Diet experts suggest drinking a glass of water and then waiting a few minutes to see if your hunger goes away on its own.

Exercise.

Taking care of your body is more than just maintaining your weight. As we age the percentage of the body that is fat increases and the muscle mass declines. Even if your diet and don’t gain weight, you are becoming less fit. Make sure you get enough physical exercise to keep your muscles working. Feeling healthy will improve your mood.

If you are in early recovery, don’t overdo the exercise either, you can’t undo a long period of neglect by running a marathon on the first day. The key to exercising as with all other recovery activities is to keep your life in balance and build up to doing more gradually. Do a little each day and slowly increase the amount and intensity of exercise.

Improvements in mood and self-esteem come from the trying and appear long before any changes in the body become noticeable.

Time off –vacations and pleasure.

Make sure you plan for some enjoyable events in your life. People in early recovery often try to make up for the lost time by working several jobs, going back to school, and paying off old debts. If recovery becomes unpleasant it will be harder to sustain. Remember that your illness also has resulted in a deficit of fun and enjoyment. Recovery should be an adventure. Anything that is enjoyable is more likely to be maintained.

Reward yourself.

One way we humans show our affection to others is to give them gifts. Most of us forget to love ourselves as if taking good care of us is not important. Some people were taught that doing nice things for yourself was selfish. Good self-care is not selfish.

Taking good care of yourself is important. One way you can do that is to reward yourself with positive gifts. The key here is to keep your life in balance. A new piece of clothing is one thing a whole new wardrobe is something else. In disciplining children we find that all punishment means the level of punishment needs to keep increasing. All rewards result in ever more reward until it becomes bribery. Discipline yourself in the same way. Give yourself small rewards for things well done and small consequences for things that you could do better. Remember also that harsh parenting can result in abused children. Don’t abuse yourself.

Mental Health.

Recovery is about staying mentally healthy. Sort out your thoughts. Avoid unhealthy thoughts, ruminations, and self-doubt. Whatever you did to begin your recovery, counseling, self-help groups, or religious practice, keep doing the things that started you on the recovery road.

Encouragement – self-affirmation.

Being told that you are worthwhile and that what you are doing is good and appreciated is important for self-esteem and self-efficacy. Some of us didn’t get much praise when we were young. If there is no one in your life who tells you they value you it is hard to feel good about yourself.

Give yourself the affirmation you deserve. If you don’t think you deserve it work on improving yourself and work with a professional on these issues.

Some people find it helpful to make up a list of the positive things about themselves. Get help on making this list if you can. Post the list in a prominent place and read it early each day.

Take time for yourself.

Make time for yourself. You are worth it. We all have responsibilities but self-care is also a responsibility. Family members come to me about how to help their loved one who is in some form of recovery. One of the first questions I ask them is what they are doing to care for themselves.

You can’t help others if you are neglecting yourself. Make self-care a priority not a second thought.

Avoiding excess of nicotine – food – soda and caffeine.

It is easy to trade one addiction for another. Problems often occupy a central place in our lives. What would you do if your problem were suddenly solved? Would you find another issue to take its place? Replace problems with positive activities, not new problems.

Finances and savings.

Getting your finances in order is a part of self-care.  How can you be happy if you are stressed by money problems? Get professional help here if you need to. Read about money management.

The difference between the richest half of all Americans and the poorest half is having even a few dollars in a savings account.

Make paying off credit cards and old bills a priority. Getting out of debt can take a lot of worries off your plate.

There is a lot of emotional pain around financial losses. Losing a job or a home in foreclosure is often heartbreaking. Financial events may force drastic changes in your life. We all resist changes. Sometimes change is also an opportunity. Resolve to be happy with or without money but do your best to get your financial life in recovery also.

Quality relationships.

People who have good quality relationships with other people are more successful in recovery than those who don’t. Nurture positive relationships. Spend time with family members who are positive. Make new friends. Get a sponsor in recovery.

Just be careful not to be so needy that you let unhealthy people back into your life. Part of self-care is avoiding people who are bad for your recovery and increasing contact with people who help build your recovery.

Make good self-care a priority.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Where do you belong?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Family of teddy bears.

Belonging.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“I don’t belong here.”

Lots of people say they don’t belong here. Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes people who say and think that, mean here, now, in the present situation or place. Sometimes they mean on this earth.

When you don’t feel like you belong it is hard to be motivated, to have a purpose. Some people despair of ever finding a place where they can belong.

We talk about our “belongings,” the things we own. But feeling like someone’s possession, that can’t make us feel like we belong. Feeling that you are where you should be is not about things.

For some people belonging is about being tucked safely and securely in a close affectionate group. It might also mean feeling like we are the same as those around us. For other people belonging is being surrounded by people who accept us for who we are and encourage us to be ourselves even if that self is different from the self they have.

Some kids who have moved a lot tell me they feel this lack of belonging. People from families that never accepted them for whom and what they are; say they don’t feel like they belong also. If your family does not affirm you or if you have no friends it is not likely you can feel that you belong there. But where do you belong?

When you are always moving, starting over with new friends, new routines, it is hard to feel like you fit in. Some people find that right place, that time they fit in, early in life. Some of us spend our lifetimes looking for that place.

It is not just kids; adults say the same thing. They have spent their lives looking for that one place they fit in, that belief, cause, or activity that makes them feel that this is their one special place, the place they belong, the place they ought to be.

Sometimes it is a relationship where we belong, which gives out lives meaning. But relationships can end and then we ask if we still belong.

Elizabeth Lesser in her book Broken Open says it this way. “The first time I assisted at a birth, I had that feeling that I belonged exactly where I was, that there was nowhere else I would rather be.”

Some of us grow up not knowing where we ought to be. We may travel the world only to return to the place where we started and find there the place we always belonged, the place we needed to be.

Others of us travel and somewhere in those moves we find a place where we finally can say this is where I belong.

People will tell us that they find that belonging feeling in a spiritual place, a church, temple, mosque, or a clearing in the woods. We might find the place we belong in a cause or political movement. Why it is that one person feels at home in one place and another in a quite different setting I cannot say.

Recovering people have told me that the first time they ever felt at home, like they belonged there, was in a twelve-step meeting, among other people who understood their struggles and who welcomed them home.

Many among us will work their whole lives at a job so that they can finally retire and go on their quest for the place they belong, the thing that gives their life meaning. Others find that calling early in life and belong doing what they do their whole life. Sadly some people never do find that place where they belong.

Have you found that place where your life has meaning and purpose, a place where people accept you, that one place where you belong?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Getting emotionally better

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Life pie

Healthy Pie of Life.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do we get better emotionally?

There are so many people telling us we should do this or not do that it is hard to know what to do to really see an emotional recovery. Which method works best?  Recovery is a process. So is resilience. Most of the self-help blogs and books focus on one of the things you need to do to get better but not many integrate all three processes.

1. Become aware that you are feeling something.

This is the providence of mindfulness. Dan Siegel calls this “monitoring.” People who had unhappy experiences in early childhood, we sometimes call this “attachment problems” – they often are numb. Ask someone with emotional numbness what they are feeling and they can’t tell you. So the first step in emotional recovery is simply to become aware that you are feeling something.

Ask yourself where in your body are you feeling this sensation? Is it pleasant or unpleasant? It is not important to name this feeling just yet. Sit with the feeling a while. What else is associated with this feeling? Is it memories? Do you see pictures from your past? Maybe the feeling is part of a story in your head.

In anger management or impulse control treatment this is a common first step. Often people react to an outside event with no realization that they have had a feeling that propelled them into action.

There is also an important connection between feelings and thoughts. We interpret events based on a “schema” or blueprint that is stored in our nervous system. We rarely recognize that this emotional blueprint was created a long time ago and has been biasing our reactions in one direction or another.

Becoming aware of your feelings can involve a variety of data collection techniques. Mindful meditation, thought records and journals, can all be used to capture the fact that you are having feelings. Not sure what you are feeling? Try drawing a picture of your feeling. Crayons are not just for our kids anymore.

2. Find a label for what you are feeling.

In group therapy, particularly with men’s only groups, we find that people have a limited vocabulary to describe their feelings. Developing a larger vocabulary for feelings allows you to discriminate between the various shades of feeling. Many groups use a chart that shows drawings of people’s faces that portray a variety of feelings; all neatly labeled under the picture with a name we can call this expression.

Many people have only three names for their feelings, good, bad, and pissed off. Good and bad are judgments about the feelings not really names of feelings. Does good mean content or excited? There is a world of difference between those two. People have a need for security but too much security may become boredom. We all like a little excitement but too much coming at us can be terrifying.

3. Transform or modify the feeling

This is the tricky part. As long as you insist that you don’t feel but that others “make you feel” you are in a reactive victim place. It is likely that there are some feelings that are primary biological functions but our responses to those sensations are learned. CBT therapists tell us that our thoughts heavily influence our feelings.

For example, when your stomach has a non-pleasant sensation we try to do something to relieve that feeling. Most people who have that feeling think they are hungry and they eat. Research has shown that more than a third of people who think they are hungry are in fact thirsty, they are dehydrated. If they learn to try drinking water first, wait a while, say thirty minutes, many times what they thought was hunger goes away, dissolved by the water.

We learn to interpret body sensations and we also learn to interpret emotional ones. If we have limited names for these feelings we start putting the wrong label on the feeling and we respond incorrectly.

Narrative therapists think we create stories for ourselves about how we “should be” or how things “are.” Creating new stories for ourselves allows us to do new behaviors. So if the schema or blueprint in our head is fuzzy we need to take another look at how it was drawn, correct the faulty parts, and develop a new way of relating to our feelings.

Most thinking is done with words. The more words you know the more potential thoughts you might have. Most of us have learned a lot of technical words, about our jobs, sports, and hobbies. But we lack the vocabulary to talk about feelings.

This three-step process, feel, identify, and transform can go a long way to help us heal from emotional pain.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Sharing made me a new person – group therapy.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Support group

Group.

Group therapy can be very helpful.

The group really helped me, sharing made me a new person. The client was trying to describe the way that being in group counseling had benefited them. I am a believer in group therapy. I have seen the things that happen when a group is on task and working. The clients can see it also.

There is a saying in groups that “we are only as sick as our secrets.” One powerful way in which groups can help people is to allow them to tell their stories in a supportive environment.  When it works it can be magic.

Twelve-step groups are self-help group’s not professional therapy. But in the addiction field, we quickly learned the value of being in a group that understood what you are going through and who were all supportive of your recovery. In mental health groups, we see the same results. People all sharing about their life struggles makes us feel more connected and less alone. Powerful things happen in peer support groups.

Some professionals are leery of groups. They have suggested to me that group counseling is a lesser sort. They tell me that “real therapy” takes place with one client and one therapist in the room. I try to avoid arguing. Then why do we do couples counseling and family counseling if it is best done in an individual session I ask? I try to listen politely to their answers.

Most of life is about relationships. We are wounded in our relationships and most often we are healed by a helping, supportive relationship. Sometimes that relationship is a counselor, sometimes it is a group.

Not all groups are safe places to tell your most painful life events. In therapy groups, it is up to the leader to make groups a safe place. In self-help groups, it can be riskier. We talk about confidentiality and anonymity but that is no guarantee that someone will not break the rules and repeat what another person said. The longer the group has been together the safer people feel but it is never without risks.

What I often see happen is that people try to keep things secret in group, that everyone else in the group knew already. When someone is arrested for a DUI it is in the paper but when they come to a group, they hint vaguely about a self-control problem and demand confidentiality.

More than once a client has told me something in a private session and then a few weeks later their courage now turned up a notch, they tell the whole group. In almost every case the result was that the group understood and supported them in their disclosure and the person, now having publicly admitted their defects of character, finds they have unburdened themselves and are no longer kept in pain by that secret.

Some of us have spent our whole life’s trying to hide our true selves from others. There is something very freeing about opening up and sharing about our total selves, warts and all. People who have to hide themselves from others not only cover up their flaws, they cover up their endearing qualities also.

Sharing who you really are can indeed make you a whole new person.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

L O L T – Life on life’s terms

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ball recovery

Recovery and Resiliency.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Recovery is easy when everything is going well, some days nothing goes right.

Pain can be a powerful motivator. It makes us look at our lives. It makes us consider changing. Sometimes we get stuck in the pain and can’t see a way out. Others may see the need for a change before we do. It takes whatever it takes to start on the road of recovery. Recovery groups describe this as “hitting bottom.”

Many sorts of pain can bring someone to treatment, physical pain, loss of family and friends, feeling miserable constantly. Going for help can be difficult. We hate to admit we need help. When people arrive at the helping place they are often unsure, sometimes resentful if they have been forced to seek help by a partner who says counseling or I go, or a judge who says treatment or jail.

In the beginning, it takes time for the process to work.  There is confusion and anger. The focus is on the pain instead of the recovery. Sometime, somehow the focus shifts. They begin to look at themselves and they begin to change. We learn that we can’t change others, not really. The only things that we can really change are ourselves and our attitudes.

Life may start to get better. The meds may work. The counseling helps them unburden themselves or the group provides a source of healing and support. Life is getting better. They tell me they have never been so happy. They say that their life has changed forever.

I start to worry. We call this the “pink cloud.”  We know it will pass.

Then the storms come. Bad things happen, even when you are in recovery even when you are doing all the right things. This is a real life. Sometimes I like it sometimes I don’t.

The real test of recovery is can we handle life’s challenges, live day by day, and still stay in emotional balance?

A person who is truly in recovery, who has moved their life from sickness and symptoms to wellness and recovery is the person who is able to handle life on life’s terms.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Bury the past – put it in a box.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Coffin

Bury the past, put it in a coffin.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

Wish you could get rid of your past?

“Wish I could bury my past, ” the client said. “I would like to put it in a box and bury it.” We talked a while about that client’s pain, the history of trauma. We spoke of things that should have been in childhood and weren’t and of things that had happened, that shouldn’t have. We talked about the burden of carrying around the pain and how hard it was to put the pain down. I thought about the topic after the client left. How might I help them to bury that pain?

We grieve for people when they die. Sometimes we miss them. Sometimes we only grieve for what should have been. We have a ceremony, often with a casket, there is a viewing, a graveside service and then we get a period of time to mourn. Friends and family support us in this process but eventually we start to move on. We remember the departed. We may think that we will see them again, but we shouldn’t stay stuck in the past. Life goes on. Why can’t we do that for the pain and the trauma of the past?

Why is it so hard to let go of the past?

Sometimes we tell substance abusers to write a letter to their drug of choice. Addicts get closer to their drug of choice than their family or their friends.  Friends come and go. Crystal Meth or Sherry wine, she is always there. It is easy to remember the good times. Remember the time we took them to a party? The time they made us think that we were charming or witty? We forget the times they took us to jails and hospitals.

We tell people in substance abuse recovery to write a goodbye letter to their drug of choice. They write a Dear John letter to their addiction. Tell the drug you have to say goodbye. Get that drug out of your life. Some people burn that letter. Others flush it away. We perform a ritual to signify an end, a divorce from the old addiction, and the start of new relationships with yourself and with other humans.

What kind of ritual should we have to get rid of the pain and hurt? How does someone who was abused, molested or neglected, get an end to the hold that emotion holds over them?

There are cultures that have rituals for these sorts of things. Some religions have ceremonies to clean and rebirth. America has fewer rituals, more religions, less faith.

Would we really give up all the pain if that were a choice? Sometimes do we hold onto our suffering like some earned war wound, some badge of moral courage? What if instead of holding on to our suffering there was a simple ceremony we could perform? Would we do it? Would our friends support us in this?

When we get married there are often people to wish us well. When we get divorced there is a judge and a piece of paper. The paper says that thing we had hoped for has been dissolved. It has ceased to exist. Some people hide the change. Friends don’t give us a hug and wish us well on this new chapter in our journey.

How long do we need to hold on to the baggage we have accumulated? At the airport, they lose bags. We look for them for a while, file a claim, and head for our destination. We can replace a shirt or shoes. Why is it so hard to let go of the life baggage of pain and sadness?

Imagine if you will, packing your bag, fill it with the pain, the hurt and the trauma you wish had never happened. Drop that bag off at the airport or the bus station and send it off. How do you feel now? Do you miss your baggage? Do you feel free? Are you glad your pain is behind you?

What if that pain could be buried? Would you hold a funeral for all the things that are still holding you back? Would you be willing to but your past pain and suffering in a box and bury it?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel