Category Archives: Emotions and Feelings

17 Habits of unhappy people.

Posted on by
3

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Unhappy emoticon

Unhappy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are these habits keeping you miserable?

1. Keeping Secrets – covering up your mistakes.

Happy people learn to admit mistakes when they make them and then try to stop making the same ones over and over. It takes way more work to cover up your faults than to admit them and change your actions.

Keeping secrets isolates you from others and can damage relationships.

2. Trying to please others – be someone else.

Spending your life trying to please others is a sure prescription for unhappiness. Trying to be someone or something you are not will keep you stuck in your misery. Learn to accept who you are and move towards who you chose to be. Make yourself happy and others will find it easier to like you. Try to please everyone and you will please no one, especially not yourself.

3. Trying to find someone who will fix you.

No one can make you happy. Happiness is an inside job. Happy people attract other happy people and miserable people draw misery to them.  You do not find the perfect friend or lover and then become happy. You become a happy person and then you can be with others or alone and still be happy.

4. Holding on to regrets over past mistakes keeps you unhappy.

Regrets keep you stuck in the past. Happy people are happy in the now. Let the regrets go and move towards what you can be.

5. Putting off until tomorrow – Procrastination perpetuates unhappiness.

Unhappy people expect the worst. As a result, they never do today what they can put off until tomorrow. Happy people make the effort. If only part of what they try to do works out they have accomplished a lot.

6. Waiting for something else to happen first delays happiness.

Do not wait for a good time to go back to school or a better time to find a job you will love. Start the process now and things will begin to happen.  Do not put off doing things that will improve your happiness until some other day, month, or year.

7. Letting fear keep you from trying again keeps you unhappy.

Learn from your mistakes. Try to do things better, smarter, and safer. If you have been in a bad relationship check the next one out carefully before you commit. If you are unhappy in your job, take a look at why. Consider that if you can change you, then any job can be a happy one. If you stay in unhappiness all work settings will keep you miserable.

8. Comparing yourself to everyone else emphasizes what you do not have.

You are you, others are others. Unhappy people keep comparing themselves to others. If you look long enough you will always find someone who has accomplished more than you.

The State Senior could compare himself to the governor, he didn’t get elected Governor. The Governor might compare himself to the President. Each and every President could compare themselves to Washington or Lincoln. How many politicians can be the founders of their country?

Just how many other people do you need to be better than to feel OK about yourself?

Stop making comparisons and accept you for you.

9. Feeling sorry for yourself keeps you in misery.

Feeling sorry can provide excuses for your failures. Too much time on the reason why can take the focus off what could be.

Do not stay stuck in self-pity. Get into action and see where a few steps can take you.

10. Trying to get even perpetuates the hurts.

Revenge is a fire that can consume you and everything in your life. The best revenge is a successful life. Unhappy people plot revenge. Happy people plan for their own successful life.

11. Mistreating yourself guarantees unhappiness.

Others may have been unfair to you; they may even have abused you. Do not keep up the abuse. Unhappy people do not take care of themselves, they self-abuse. Engaging in good self-care is the first step to happiness.

12. Staying too busy to have fun prevents happiness.

Day after day of obligation can melt into a life lived for others. Carve out time to do things just because you like them. Do more that you enjoy and you become happier and the rest of your life is happier.

13. Trying to be perfect keeps happiness moving away.

Perfectionism is the great enemy of happiness. It is an unobtainable goal that keeps moving farther away. Aim high but cut yourself slack when you do not reach all the way to the top.

Nature knows there is no such thing as perfection. One sunset does not try to outdo another; each is there for us to savor. The most beautiful of flowers often have a small imperfection if you look closely. Do not let your inner beauty be obscured by a few imperfections.

Those flaws and scars you have accumulated are the facets that make you the gem you are.

14. Taking the easy way out does not lead to happiness.

Doing only the easy things never lets you stretch and grow to your full potential. In recovery, you need to learn to crawl. Eventually, you need to get up and take a few steps. Those first efforts may result in some falls. Do not let this deter you from walking and eventually running.

Avoiding challenges are a guaranteed way to stay stuck in your unhappiness.

15. If you spend all your efforts avoiding the negative – you are creating it.

You can’t solve problems by running from them. Turn towards your challenges, approach them and they often get smaller.

A life lived in fear, avoiding the negative in your life, will leave those things a part of your life. Face your defects down, fix what you can, and accept the ones you can’t.

16. Ignoring your unmet needs prevents happiness.

No good parent would leave their child unfed. If you have a pet in your life you feed it and sometimes you have to clean up after it. But when it comes to your needs, the unhappy person will leave their inner person unfed.

It is not selfish to take care of yourself. Make getting your needs met a priority. Those needs include safety and new challenges. Do not go overboard and create a diet of only meeting one need.

A happy person feels free to tell others about their needs and to ask for support in meeting those needs. If those around you are not taking your needs seriously make sure you work harder at expressing those needs. Set a good example of meeting these needs yourself. If those around you still do not recognize your legitimate needs consider if these relationships are healthy.

17.  Letting Fear of failure paralyze you stops the creation of happiness.

When under stress the brain reverts to the most primitive mechanisms. Fear can set you into a freeze, flight, or fight response.

Be very careful to avoid the stuck-in-fear response. Freezing will keep you stuck. Flight will leave your problems to grow. Taking positive action can get those issues in your life you have been hiding from back under control.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

.

Wrestling unruly feelings to the ground.

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Man with feelings

Managing feelings.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Getting misbehaving feelings under control is a three-step process.

It would be nice if you could keep these pesky feeling-gremlins out of your house and your life in the first place but somehow they keep getting in.

There are techniques for regulating which feeling you let into your place and which you choose to entertain. Those techniques for controlling access to your life are something that we teach and practice in doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. More on that later.

Not all negative or painful feelings need to be banished. Some feelings, sadness, anxiety, or loneliness are like distant relatives, fine in small doses, nice to see occasionally just to remind you who they are, but not someone you want moving in and living with you full-time.

But for now what if you discover that some unnecessary negative feeling has taken up residence in your life and you decide this is not cool with you. What do you do?

1. Find the feeling.

This can be a struggle at first. Unhealthy feelings can be like termites. You do not see them but all the while they are eating away at your mental health house.

We often are unaware of what feelings have moved in and taken over our lives until they have begun to be destructive.

Recognize that you are feeling something is the first step in getting these creatures to do our bidding.

Yes, feelings have their purpose. That pain in the neck feeling is telling you that this person is not a healthy relationship for you. Anxiety, that one is trying to keep you safe. If your anxiety tells you to duck when there is gunfire, then it is doing its job. If it tells you to stay home because leaving the house is too scary, tell that anxiety to take some time off.

Makes sure to check all around your body for those feelings. They may be hiding in the pit of your stomach or in your lower back. Not all of those aches and pains are real, physical pain. Some of those are pesky negative feelings that have moved in and are cramping up your nerve cells.

Get those feelings located and you may be able to get them to move to where they can do you some good.

2. Name that feeling.

Women seem to have a genetic advantage here. They have all kinds of feeling words. We men usually are only acquainted with three feelings by their first name. We are “good, bad, or pissed off.”

Learn the difference between excited and anxious. Get to recognize the difference between rage and it’s younger, smaller, sibling irritated.

Getting the right name on the feeling can help you get them to stay where they belong.

3. Apply your feeling control techniques.

There are whole books on how to control or make use of particular feelings. The one that gets the most press is the feeling of anger and its larger relative rage. Those two do a lot of damage.

Learn those ABC techniques for changing the way you interact with those feelings and you will find them better behaved. SAMHSA publishes a cool book on anger management available free from their website. Lots of programs use that book and others.

In CBT therapy we find that it is not always the feeling that is causing the problem. Your beliefs about why people are doing things may be generating lots of extra negative emotions.

Make sure you invite in lots of positive feelings. Having a huge gathering of happiness, acceptance, and patience makes those anger and anxiety feelings uncomfortable enough that they may leave. At least they will hole up in their room and not bother the rest of your feelings.

Are your feelings well-behaved, or do you need to do some work on emotional regulation, getting those feelings back to working for you instead of the other way around?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Sometimes Happiness won’t get it!

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy man

Happiness tip – be positive.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

It takes more than saying have a happy day.

Sometimes wishing someone Happiness sounds more like an insult than a nice thing to say!

There are times when even a good morning is too much.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in favor of happiness. Most of my work as a counselor is about helping people work on having the happiest life possible, whatever that means to them.

There are people who have been knocked down so far that happiness is way above their horizon.

This past holiday season a lot of us went around saying Happy this and Merry that as if that was a possibility for everyone. Some of our fellow humans can’t imagine being happy.

Once each week I get a chance to work with some of the most impaired people imaginable. The stories I have heard over time would break your heart. They are hanging on, one way or another.

Mostly they are homeless or living in shelters, garages, or a rented room. Most of the time they are cut off from family and friends. They have burned bridges, they have been too sick or too hopeless for their families to want to keep up contact.

When I know that person suffered a loss of a loved one, is homeless, or is alone for the holidays they can’t seem to relate to the idea that next year might in any way be happier than this one.

Sometimes the only thing I can think to say to them is that “I hope things go better for you.” And mostly they say thanks for that and shake my hand.

So if right now you are so beat down that being happy feels out of reach, I hope that in 2014 things go better for you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Seasonal Anxiety?

Posted on by
2

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anxious woman

Seasonal anxiety?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Is there seasonal anxiety?

Officially there is no diagnosis for any seasonal disorder, but the profession does recognize that there is a form of Major Depressive Disorder that is highly influenced by the seasons. We denote this by referring to it as Major Depressive Disorder with a seasonal pattern.

Researchers on a lot of other mental and emotional illnesses are reporting that they find seasonal patterns in their disorders also, so far no one seems to be considering these seasonal influences on disorders like Anxiety.

So what other effects might the weather and the change of seasons be having on Anxiety and other disorders?

People who regularly see their doctors and have their blood pressure checked are more likely to find that they have elevated blood pressure as a result of stress in the winter months than in the summer months.

Yes, we do get stressed out more in the winter than in those lazy days of summer even when we are well into our working lives.

Women, particularly those working as supervisors and in responsible positions, report more anxiety and stress during the winter months than in the summer. They also report more physical ailments at that time of year for which no medical problem is found. Researchers are apt to call those issues “Somatic symptoms even though actual physical illnesses can’t be ruled out.

The bottom line here is, however, you see these complaints, stress, and anxiety are causing these women more problems in the winter than the rest of the year.

Anxiety disorder is worse in winter but Panic Disorder gets worse in the summer.

Several researchers into Panic Disorders have reported that panic disorder gets worse in the summer months. This appears to be related to the heat more than the hours of light.

Dehydration has been reported as a cause of this heat-related panic attack. Some people when out in public avoid drinking water because of the need to find restrooms. Don’t drink enough water and you get dehydrated which can trigger panic attacks.

One corollary to this was an article that reported more people in America are “Sunbirds” than “Snowbirds” that is more people go up north to escape the heat in the summer than go to the south in the winter to escape the snow in that northern tier of states.

There is a season to anxiety disorders and for most people, that season is throughout the wintertime.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Giving thanks or gobbling turkey?

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What motivates you today on this launch of the Holiday season?

Some people used to call this next month the Christmas season, now it is a pure electronics consumer feast. So before you rush off to capture and kill the latest i-creature, let’s consider what Thanksgiving is and whether we are really thankful for what we have, or are we just craving more?

Thanksgiving is, according to the Century Dictionary of 1891:

1. The act of rendering thanks or expressing gratitude for favors, benefits or mercies. An acknowledgment of benefits received. It cites an older Biblical use of the word to mean acknowledgment by offering.

The illustrative text for this?

Every creature of God is good and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving.       1 Tim. iv 4.

2. A public celebration of divine goodness; specifically in the United States.

3. A form of words expressive of thanks to God; a grace.

The first U. S. celebration – 1621 in Plymouth by the Pilgrims and Strangers. (See the book Saints and Strangers by Willison.)  Saints and Strangers, Being the Lives of the Pilgrim Fathers and Their Families

My fun old book, The Century Dictionary, also includes a definition for a “thanksgiver” who is defined as:

One who gives thanks, or acknowledges a benefit, a kindness, or a mercy.

I realize my old Century Dictionary is now a dinosaur, full of words that are no longer in use. Despite the fact that each of the six volumes weighs more than my tower computer and my laptop put together, I still find comfort in knowing that there are good old words there, just waiting for another chance to be used by humans.

So on this day, with its historical connections, I just wonder if some of us could spend some time thinking about what we are thankful for and are we thanksgivers before we all rush off to celebrate the Black Friday and the Cyber Monday festivities?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Your emotional tape measure – scaling

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Emotional measurement.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What tool should we be using to measure emotions?

Most of us know that we can measure a board with a tape measure. There is a big difference between a shelf that is 6 inches long and one that is 72 inches long.

We can check a child’s fever with a thermometer. It matters if your child’s temperature is 98.6 or 106.

You can see if you’re overweight or underweight by standing on a scale. Please fill in the weights as needed.

Does it matter how much of an emotion you are feeling? It may be the difference between ignoring what was said to you and getting into a fight.

What tool do you use to measure the size and shape of your emotions?

Emotions like so many other things in life come in sizes and shapes. We get ourselves into a peck of trouble by equating all emotions as being the same size and importance.

Take anxiety for instance. Most of us are either anxious or we are not anxious. Anxiety is sneaky that way. There is that little kitten size anxiety and there is that big hungry lion size anxiety. It is important to know which is which.

If every time you feel the sound of hissing you run for your life you will be hiding from a lot of kittens. We talked a little about developing a scale of anxiety and learning to adjust the volume in a previous post on “selective desensitization.”

Anger is a similar creature. Lots of people have only two extremes when it comes to anger, not-angry, and violently angry. People caught in these two extreme modes of feeling anger jump from not-angry to furiously angry at the drop of a – well it could be a drop of almost anything.

One method used in anger management is to develop a scale. Say your anger is at zero when you are feeling happy and loved. When you “lose your temper” your anger is at a ten. How might you develop a scale of degrees of anger in-between?

One way of developing this scale or tape measure for your emotions is to find other similar words for your anger and place them on a scale. First, let’s scale the anger creature, and then our old sometimes-friend anxiety.

What other words might describe feeling sort of like anger but more or less intense?

How about – annoyance, irritation, fury, rage, antagonism, ire, wrath, dander, exasperation, rile, aggravate, provoke, and so on. While these words may not say anger to all of you, you can see that there is a lot of difference between rage and irritation. If you go looking I bet you can find more words that describe feelings similar to anger.

Take your list and arrange them by intensity from the most awful total feeling to a very mind form of anger.

Now comes the challenge. When you find yourself going from not-angry to furiously rage-full how can you turn the volume down on that anger and move from an anger rating of 10 to say a 6 or 5?

Learning to turn the volume up and down on emotions is a skill called emotional regulation. Being able to feel the necessary level of feelings when you need them can make your life a whole lot better.

Now, what about reducing anxiety?

Words for your scale might include nervousness, worry, concern, unease, apprehension, disquiet, fretful, angst, fear, terror, dread, horror, distress, panic, alarm, trepidation, and so on.

Again there is a lot of distance between being uneasy and being panicked-in-terror. Work out your own list and then consider – is this anxiety you have right now a 10 or a 9. How might you learn to turn your anxiety volume down?

It is worth noting here that we have talked about two scales, words and numbers. What most people find is that by changing the word they used to describe a feeling it also changes the number they would give it.

So if you are feeling panic but tell yourself well this is not really the worse panic I have ever had so maybe it is really worrying, you may find that the anxiety meter 10 turns down to a 5 or even a 4.

Try constructing an emotional tape measure and learning to scale your feelings and see if this does not help you learn to turn the volume down on negative feelings and turn the volume up on those happy positive feelings.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Can you focus your mind?

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Focus

Focus.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

You can shift the focus of your eyes but what about your thoughts?

In old-school photography, every student had to learn selective focus. The goal was to keep one thing in clear focus while letting the other things in the scene blur out and become ambiguous.

If you had a person close to you, then you wanted their face clear and the things behind them, the background, to blur out. If you took a picture through a fence the goal was to get the things far away clear and the fence to blur until it disappeared.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could shift the focus on our minds just like that camera?

Well, some people can do just that.

Often when we interact with others our minds go all over the place. We think about the room temperature and lighting, what we will do after this meeting, what we did yesterday.

We can be overwhelmed and the result is that we lose the ability to pay clear attention to the thing we are doing or the person who we are speaking with.

When we try to relax our minds can become troubled with that swarm of thoughts buzzing around in our head. Things to do, people to call, emails to answer. Did you pay that bill? Should you check Facebook or Twitter first?

Seeing everything at once can result in seeing nothing as your life flows by lost in the jumble of thoughts.

One skill they teach in “mindfulness” training is how to shift that focus of your thinking, how to pay attention to the things you want to attend to and let the rest go. This is a valuable skill to have. The ability to attend to one thing and let the other things blur out is not something we are all born with but a skill that can be developed.

I realize that this selective attention or mindfulness can be more difficult for people with certain disorders like ADHD, but with the constant flow of information overload, all of us are at risk of losing our mental focus if we do not learn to attend to one thing out of a swarm of thoughts in our heads.

Do you sometimes feel like a traffic cop trying to direct thousands of unruly thoughts traveling within your head?

This age we live in has more information available than ever before. There are constantly things to do and distractions everywhere. The thoughts, feelings, and sensations run back and forth in our minds.

Do you run after each and every thought like a school worker trying to corral a group of unruly children?

Sometimes it is nice to just observe the thoughts as they run through our minds, let them go, and shift our focus from all that is going on outside us to what is going on inside yourself.

Learning to shift your mind’s focus, attuned to one important idea at a time can reduce your stress and improve your creativity and productivity.

Give that shift of mind focus a try and see if it does not bring a whole lot of things into sharper focus.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What does being sad say about you?

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Sad child

Sad.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What do you tell yourself when you are sad?

Many of us can’t bear to let ourselves be sad. Not because the feeling is so unbearable but because we tell ourselves that if I feel that way there is something wrong with me. That insistence that we should not feel what we feel or that feelings are negative, can keep you from learning the lessons that feeling are trying to teach you.

Those things we tell ourselves to try to avoid feeling what we feel can keep us stuck in those negative feelings a lot longer than if you let yourself feel and then decided what you wanted to do about that feeling.

Do you tell yourself these things when you feel a sad emotion coming on?

1. If I am sad that means I am weak.

Sad or even depressed does not mean weak. Feeling sad means you are normal, especially if the sad is for what you see happening to others. Only a psychopath can see a child being harmed and not feel sad. So unless you are aspiring to become a psychopath let yourself feel sad when things happen that should make you sad.

Being sad is not weak, it is realistic. What you need to do is not stay stuck in the sadness but look for ways to be kind and compassionate to those that suffer.

That list of people who you need to be kind to – your name should be up at the top of the list of people deserving kindness.

2. Do you think being sad is pitiful?

Pity is a looking down on other’s emotions. Why are you looking down at yourself?

Be compassionate with yourself. Beating yourself up or telling yourself not to feel what you feel will undermine your ability to use feelings as a reliable guide to life events. It is not pitiful to be you.

3. If I let myself be sad I am a basket case.

It is not people who feel that end up in emotional trouble. People who try to hold things in eventually meltdown or they become dead inside.

Some feelings have to be felt before you can move on. If someone dies feel the grief. Be sad when sad things happen.

Do not let sad or your efforts to not feel sad take over your life.

4. Being sad makes me inferior.

Being sad is a normal human emotion. Everyone can and does feel sad some of the time. What matters is what you do with that feeling. Do you get sad when you should and then let it pass or do you get stuck there?

You do not need to be less feeling and more numb than others to think of yourself as acceptable.

It is not the feeling sad that defines you, it is what you do with that emotion once it has visited you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is kindness?

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Do you know kindness when you see it?

Encarta says Kindness is:

An act that shows consideration and caring

The practice of being or the tendency to be sympathetic and compassionate

The Century Dictionary, 1889 has a lot more definitions:

Good will, Benevolence

Tender feeling, affection, love

Fitness, agreeableness

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”  ― Plato

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.”  ― Dalai Lama XIV

“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”  ― Henry James

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”  ― Mark Twain

Have you been kind today?

What is Happiness?

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy children

Happy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Would you know happiness if you felt it?

Happiness is the state of being Happy

Happy: feeling or showing pleasure, contentment, or joy, feeling satisfied that something is right or has been done right

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

― Abraham Lincoln

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.”

― Dalai Lama XIV

“Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.”

― John Lennon

“Happiness is a warm puppy.”

― Charles M. Schulz

Quotes from GoodReads