What is life coaching?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

coach

Coaching.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Life Coaching is an exciting and a scary world.

Life coaching is a new development in the counseling, therapy, helping-person field. There are good life coaches out there, who can be very helpful, but finding who you need to see is the challenge. Let’s hope this post will help explain those issues.

Coaching of all kinds has been around for a very long time. We are all mostly familiar with athletic coaches. Most have been players, grown up around the sport they coach or they have taken formal university classes in how to coach a particular sport. A good coach can prepare you for the Olympic trials or help you take your golf game up to a pro-level. You do not take a weekend seminar online and then coach an NFL team.

Other types of coaches have grown up to meet the needs of particular people for mentoring and development. Executive coaches help executives plan and develop careers. Recovery coaches are often people who have recovered from a particular issue, substance use disorders, or alcoholism. They can help take a recovering person through the journey from the land of addiction to recovery land.

One thing we have found in the recovery field is that being in personal recovery can help make you a better coach or substance abuse counselor, but that by itself is not enough. Those peer coaches need more training and they need supervision. To be a good coach you not only need to know how to do something, play a sport or recover from drug use, you also need to know how to pass that knowledge on to the person you are trying to help.

Why life coaches?

Many of the current life coaches have come from the fields of psychology, especially counseling psychology to be specific, or they are from the fields of mental health, marriage and family therapist, or professional counselors.

Most mental health therapy and counseling are deficit-based. You need to have a mental illness and then we can see you and bill your insurance. But what if you want to be a better person, develop your career, or just plan to more effectively reach your goals? Counseling, in the past, was not set up to help well people, it was set up to treat ill people.

One school of counseling, we call this a “theoretical orientation” is called “solution-focused therapy.” Rather than looking for what makes you sick, these therapists look for the things you do that work and then help you plan to do more of these behaviors.

Recently counselors and psychologists have been looking at things called “strength-based” counseling. What are you good at and how will we help you do more of that. This led to the field of positive psychology which looks at making life better rather than “pathologizing” people so that we only treat sick people.

Thinking in terms of teaching skills to have a better life is scary to those people who are used to thinking that systems of care should only treat the really – really – sick people. The result is that help in having the life you want and in staying well is not something most healthcare systems pay for. You want help in having a good life, they may think, you need to go looking for it yourself.

If you plan ahead then you can get sick, get professional help until your problem gets moderate or mild, and then you are back to being on your own.

Many people would rather plan and develop a good life and avoid being sick in the first place. So they seek out coaches that can help them plan a better life. You do not have to be sick to go for coaching.

Now the secret part of life coaching.

Most, maybe all of what coaches are doing has been done by counselors and some psychologists all along. The difference today is not what we do but who pays for what. The result is new fields of counseling psychology and counselors doing “life coaching.” Marriage and Family Therapists have known this for a long time. Come in when you have mild disagreements and we can help you improve communication. Wait till the divorce is in progress and all we can do is keep you from hurting each other while you negotiate the divorce stuff.

Some problems with “life coaches”

Try a web search on life coaching and you will see a vast array of web pages. All life coaches are far from equal. Many of the web pages for life coaching are adds, take this class; send in a check and you can become a life coach and make big money telling people how to live their life. The truth of life coaching is far from this.

Currently, there is no set curriculum or standards for life coaches, no license and while there are schools teaching life coaching most are private for-profit enterprises and their degrees are untested and unaccredited.

Some life coaches run ads that sound more like they are psychics or “spiritual healers.” Now if that is what you are looking for all well and good. The rub comes in when people go to these “life coaches” and turns out they have a serious mental illness that should have been treated.

My suggestion is that if you want “life coaching” because you want to improve your life and reduce stress, seek out a licensed mental health professional. I must here disclose my biases. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Also in supervising trainees and interns who are new to the field, some of what I do is coach them in how to be the best possible therapists and counselors. So, I do all three and that may make me extra skeptical of those who embark on the life coaching business without getting some serious education and training.

The life coaching conclusion.

If you hate your job and are so depressed you can’t go to work, get therapy for your depression. If you don’t know what kind of job you want, see a career counselor. Not sure how to develop and grow your career as you grow older you may need job or life coaching. Same thing for relationships. Can’t get along with your partner see a couple’s counselor. Scared and having trouble dating and finding a partner? You may want to work with a relationship counselor but on some dating coaching.

In future posts, I want to talk to you about strengths-based counseling and how you may find it worthwhile to look for someone who will help you have the best life possible.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Be uniquely Colorful

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Sunday Inspiration    Post By David Joel Miller.

Be colorful

BE COLORFUL
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”

― Margaret Mead

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Sunday seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

Suicide – Addiction Proclamations.

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Proclamation, Proclamation so many Proclamations.

Town crier proclamation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller.

Two very special proclamations came across my desk on the very same day this week. The president has proclaimed September as National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month.

Here in Fresno County, California, our Board of Supervisors has declared September 7 through September 13th as Suicide Prevention Week. I suspect that lots of other jurisdictions are issuing proclamations for Suicide Prevention Week what with The World Suicide Prevention Day coming up on September 10th.

Why does Suicide Prevention Day and Week share the attention with Addiction Month?

Turns out there are a lot of connections between addiction, alcoholism, and suicide. Addiction, suicide, and mental health issues all co-exist and these are challenges that many people are reluctant to talk about. As uncomfortable as having these conversations may be they are topics we all need to think about and be prepared to discuss with those we come in contact with.

Most people are uneasy with the topic of suicide. Professionals get special training in how to talk with clients about their urges to self-harm and their thoughts of suicide. Even with that training, there are counselors who feel uncomfortable asking the simple questions like “Are you thinking of killing yourself?”

No one should ever feel uncomfortable with this question. If you have concerns about someone ask away. Just make sure you ask in a caring non-judgmental way. I see no evidence that asking someone if they are thinking about a suicidal act will put the idea in that person’s head. Many people who have started to think of suicide as a solution to their problems are just waiting for someone to care enough to ask.

Learning about mental illness, suicide prevention, and substance use disorders.

At some point in your life, you will encounter a person with a mental health challenge, an addiction or possible you will cross paths with a suicidal person. What should you do? One important thing to do is to prepare for those possibilities now. An excellent source of information on mental health issues is the Mental Health First Aid course.

Certified Mental Health First Aid instructors are available across the United States and most of the rest of the world. Consider taking the class or better yet get your group to sponsor trainings in your area. If you need more information please feel free to leave a comment or contact me.

There is also a special Mental Health First Aid training for those who work with youth which trains you on how to respond to a youth who is having mental health issues.

One other handy resource for a potentially suicidal person is the

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1 (800) 273-8255 which has services available 24-7 and in both English and Spanish languages. Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Your local 911 or emergency number is also a good resource in a crisis.

Why the connection between suicide prevention and addiction?

We find that those who drink heavily, binge drinkers, are about fifty-five times more likely to attempt suicide. Intravenous drug users are about fourteen times more likely than the general population to try to suicide. Other drug users? Any drug use disorder raises the risk of a suicide attempt by at least tenfold.

If you know someone who has a substance use disorder encourage them to get help and learn all you can about the impact that substance use disorders are having on our country.

People with an addiction can recover.

This month during National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month it is important to emphasize how very possible it is to recover from an addiction, a mental illness, or other emotional challenges. People do change, recover, and go on to live happy productive lives no matter what the challenge is they have faced.

Today, this week, and all this month think about the problems we all face whether we know it or not, every day with addiction, substance use disorders, and the possibility that someone close to you may start thinking that suicide is an option for them.

Maybe together we can all do just a little to help those who are feeling hopeless and helpless today.

Photo by Marcus Jeffrey 

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Preventing mental illness.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Could you be mentally ill?

What Causes Mental Illness?

Is it possible to prevent mental illness?

There was a time when we, we as in society, thought there were two types of people, the normal ones, and then those others, the mentally ill.  Today we know it is a lot more complicated than that. There are things that can be done by professionals and by consumers that can make the impact of mental illness less difficult.

This tells us there are things that can be done early on before someone becomes sick, which can prevent the development of a mental illness or lessen the severity. People with a healthy physical lifestyle get physically ill less often. People who use certain wellness tools are less likely to be debilitated by a mental illness.

Prevention services can reduce the risk of developing an illness in both the physical and the mental health areas. It is easy to see the need for treating an illness once it develops but harder to get systems to offer treatment to prevent an illness. Some physical health systems offer preventative treatment. Unfortunately, the mental health systems are far behind the physical health systems in this area. If you want help for an emotional problem before it becomes a mental illness you probably need to seek help on your own.

Most of the things we now call a mental illness are the result of stress and trauma, injuries you accumulate in the process of living. Bad things happen to you. Maybe a lot of them and over time those events wear you down. At first, you become sad or discouraged, eventually, this sadness could deepen and reach the point of being an episode of Major Depressive Disorder.

People are exposed to trauma and stress, sometimes this develops into Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), for other people this reaction to the stress of life lingers on as excess anxiety or persistent sadness. Those conditions may be severe enough to get diagnosed and treated by a professional. Lots of people spend major chunks of their life struggling with things the professionals and the insurance companies call “subclinical” cases of emotional issues.

What about people born with a problem, say Schizophrenia, you are asking. Aren’t mental illnesses hereditary things? This continues to be a problematic issue in the mental health field. Two siblings, identical twins, have a family history of schizophrenia, say mom has the disorder. They should both get it to right? Not always. Sometimes one will develop the disease and the other will have much milder symptoms of emotional issues. Why does this happen?

There is a lot of ongoing research in this field. Someday we may have the final answer to this question. Boy if you were a drug company and could develop a med that would keep people from “catching” schizophrenia you could make a lot of money. But for now, what we think is involved is that there are risk factors and protective factors.

If you were one of those twins you would likely be looking to add some of those protective factors to your life.

If you were doing a stressful job, you might go looking for ways to reduce the stress before it became overwhelming and developed a mental or emotional disorder. People who have a life that is less than they would like, they also might be looking for ways to make that life more fulfilling.

Not everyone who has a lot of stress or sadness in their life goes on to develop a severe mental illness. You may be one of those people who can just take a lot of stress and disappointment. Still, the statistics tell us that about half of the U. S. population at some point in their life will develop symptoms that should be treated. Wouldn’t it make sense to take a few doses of a preventative?

Anger management is another area where prevention is better than treatment. You can get help for your anger issues now or wait for the court-ordered 52-week program.

If you are under stress, have disappointments, or just find that you are irritable and angry a lot, maybe you are using alcohol or drugs to cope, what might you do to keep this from escalating? Do you need to run to see a counselor? That might help, getting a professional opinion can get you started on the right track. But here is a list of possibilities.

  1. Learn self-help skills and stress reduction skills

You will find a number of posts here on counselorssoapbox on stress reduction, self-help, and so on. There a lot of other good resources out there.

  1. Develop a personal wellness plan.

WRAP, wellness, and recovery action planning is a good one. There are free materials out there and the books are relatively inexpensive. You do not need to wait to develop a mental illness to create a wellness plan.

  1. Read self-help books.

I especially recommend books based on Cognitive Behavioral therapy. They can create the optimum benefit and in less time than many other therapies. David Burns’s book Feeling Good jumps to mind. There is also a list of recommended books over on the website for my private practice counselorfresno.com

  1. Try some non-medical counseling or life coaching

Many employee assistance plans offer a limited number of sessions, (three, six, maybe twelve sessions), with a counselor or therapist to work on general life issues. This is commonly called non-medical counseling. Stay tuned for a longer post on this topic.

If your child won’t mind, you have excess anger, you are stressed at work, or just not sure about what you want to do with your life, these non-medical counseling sessions can be helpful in clarifying where you are at and what you want to do.

Life coaching is a new and evolving field. There are some warnings about this one. Clients tell me that they want coaching not therapy because they are not “crazy” I tell them I agree they are not “crazy” by which I mean they do not have a diagnosable mental illness. Still, they could use some counseling. For them, it is easier to think of this as coaching.

Most professional counselors and some therapists do this sort of work. Helping you plan the life you want. Seeing them for preventive counseling or coaching is a good idea. A number of people recently are advertising as “life coaches.”  There are no set standards or licenses for coaches in most places. Some are well-trained with degrees in coaching psychology others just took their GED and rented an office expecting to make a lot of money coaching people. If your life coach does not also have a mental health license you need to be extra careful. More on the whole life coaching thing in an upcoming post.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

School is back in session.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

School classroom

School

School went back in session which means all things work-related have changed.

With school back in session, I find my schedule has gotten way busy just at the time readers are checking out the blog and leaving comments. I believe that because of the topics I write about, mental health, substance use disorders, and co-occurring disorders, more searches are happening just now on those topics. Some of this is school-related.

This time of year, at least here in the northern hemisphere where I live, people start abandoning their outside activities and return to their indoor life. This shifts the attention from fun activities to relationships, careers, and where their life is going. So more interest in the winter, indoor months, in happy life, self-help, self-improvement, and relationship issues.

As a result of this increased interest, my list of topics to write about has grown longer while my time to write has been reduced. My teaching and counseling work schedules are keeping me busy just now.

So please forgive me if it takes some extra time to respond to comments and questions and if occasionally there are some gaps in the publication schedule.

Counselorssoapbox.com is approaching one thousand posts and still growing. Thanks to all of you for reading and continuing to be supportive of this endeavor.

What is ahead for the coming months here on counselorssoapbox.com?

A new feature coming up will be a series of posts titled “What is.”  This started as a project for my beginning students and the masters level people I supervise. Knowing the vocabulary of mental health and recovery helps them think about what they will be doing and the issues in the field. These “What is” posts will be shorter than the regular long-form ones.

The field is changing, counselorssoapbox and the posts on it need to reflect those changes. We are looking at milder cases of issues and the topic of prevention. The old idea that the mentally ill, addicts, and alcoholics were fundamentally different from “normal people” has given way to seeing how anyone can at times have a substance use disorder when their drinking gets excessive and that you can move back and forth on a continuum of mental wellness.

The year ahead, academic not calendar year will need to include more posts on wellness and recovery, and some things called strength-based recovery. Parallel with those new ways of thinking is the emergence of non-medical counseling and coaching. All of these areas are fertile topics for thought and discussion.

Those who know me well, know that I love seeing clients, teaching, writing, and supervising new counselors, because I learn so much in the process of listening to all of you and researching the topics I will write about.

Hope you will all continue to follow counselorssoapbox and thanks for your continued support in all I do. Keep those comments and questions coming and I will do my best to share what I know or can find out about those topics.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Magic all around us

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Sunday Inspiration    Post By David Joel Miller.

Magic Things

Magic Things all Around Us
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.”

― W.B. Yeats

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Sunday seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

Wonder

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Sunday Inspiration    Post By David Joel Miller.

Wonder

Wonder is all around us.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Look at everything always as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time: Thus is your time on earth filled with glory.”

― Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Sunday seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

Contentment

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Sunday Inspiration    Post By David Joel Miller.

Content

Content
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“The greatest wealth is to live content with little.”

― Plato

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Sunday seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

10 School of life lessons you need to learn.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

School classroom

School

The School of life is still in session. You can’t stop learning when you leave school.

In many places here in the northern hemisphere, school is back in session or soon will be. Regardless of whether you are a student or a teacher the lessons don’t stop when school lets out. The most important lessons are often the ones we learn in the process of living. No matter how young or old you are it is never too early or too late to learn the lessons life is trying to teach you. Here are some of the lessons you should be learning from your life experiences.

Learn the difference between tools, crutches, and burdens.

When you feel tested or weak, when you struggle with a problem, tools can be helpful.  Friends can help you move forward or hold you back. Substances, drugs, and alcohol, creep into lives disguised as crutches. They tell you that you need a drink to cope. Truth is that those crutches, substances, and behaviors start out looking like crutches to help you get through difficult times. They end up being heavy burdens to overcome.

Whether it is “retail therapy,” shopping just for the sake of shopping, or hanging out with negative friends, using crutches to get through life’s difficulties comes at a huge price. That unhelpful habit may move from being a crutch to being a heavy lifelong burden when you have to clean up the messes.

You find the things, good or bad, you look for.

Are you looking for more anxiety or more calm? Some people are well acquainted with anxiety. He is their best friend. Having some anxiety around can help you if you are in danger. But if every morning you set off on a quest to find more things to be afraid of, anxiety is no longer protecting you, he is holding you captive.

The negative things in life scream out for attention. The quieter things, happiness, and joy take an effort to notice. Calmness sits silently by, waiting to be noticed. If you look only for the negative you will get more negativity in your life.

Learn to find the positive in the difficult situation. Detect the calm in the center of every storm of life. Look for the good if you want a good life.

Watch out for “agains.”

Humans make mistakes. The more you do in life the more possible mistakes and errors you will find. Try to learn from these less than ideal outcomes. Avoid having to say, I made that mistake again. I have the same problems again.

Learn life’s lessons and then move on. Failure to learn the lessons at one point in your life dooms you to repeat these same errors over and over “again.”

Do not wear yourself out pushing on walls.

Many obstacles in life will not be moved by the use of brute force. Even a small barrier can wear you out if you insist on trying to force that difficulty out of your way. Look for the gates. Think about ways to make that obstacle a path you need to follow to find the way around.

We can often take one big challenge well enough. It is the constant fighting of the same battles, never learning how to work smarter that eventually will do you in.

Good relationships are more important than being right.

Avoid wasting time and friendships on fighting over who is right and who is wrong. People resent having to deal with a right-fighter. Certainly, you can and should have your beliefs and values. It is not required that you change their minds.

Treasure your friendships and close relationships. Think before you argue. Will I really be happier if I win this argument but lose this friend? Allow your friends to be wrong sometimes. Give yourself that same opportunity.

If you want something you need to ask. Did you ask?

Don’t go through life wishing that others would see your needs and fulfill them. If you are wishing for something, have you expressed that wish to the person who could make this happen? It is easy to blame others for the things we lack. They seem obvious to you. But if you never ask do not fall into the trap of thinking that others should recognize your needs before you speak them.

A great pitfall in relationships is expecting the other person to read your mind and then act on your desire in the way you would want them to. Unless your partner or friend earns their living reading minds do not expect others in your life to spontaneously develop that skill.

Are you building things up or tearing them down.

Don’t tear everything down unless you are ready to rebuild afterward. It is easy to complain. You can find faults in most any situation. But when something gets torn down, for a time there is nothing left there. Eventually, some person sees the empty space created by the destruction and begins to rebuild.

An important life lesson is to learn how to make things better. Building meets people’s needs, destroying things does not. Become the architect of a bright future, not the demolisher of what is.

Look for the similarities.

People mostly have the same needs. Situations tend to have similarities. Do not think that the way you do things is the only possible alternative. Many problems have common solutions. Applying knowledge from one experience to another reduces the need to be reinventing behaviors.

It is easy to think that others are somehow very different from you. Underneath all the differences are those common needs and desires.

Be aware of the differences.

Differences are neither good nor bad in and of themselves. Recognize how others could look at things and see a different meaning. Consider that old saw that if the only tool you have is a hammer you will see everything as a nail. Different problems in life need different tools.  Around every bend in the road of life, there will be something. Look for the novel and look for the similar, expect neither.

It is always today.

We plan for tomorrow, we remember the past but we always live in today.  Learn to keep those distinctions clear. It is always today. You may repeat yesterday’s actions or you may choose to do, say, and think something different. Change in life comes from getting up each day and living that day as fully as possible.

Are there other life lessons you have learned? Consider sharing what the school of life has taught you. You can leave a comment below or send a note directly to me by using the contact me form. I will do my best to get back to all of you who contact or email me.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stop negativity gnawing on your self-esteem.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Negativity

Is Negativity taking over your life?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does your doubt chew up your self-confidence?

Many people have negative self-talk, those unhelpful things we tell ourselves about our lives. Having that load of negativity in your head and life is a sure way to damage your self-esteem. Do you tell yourself you are not good enough? That you can’t do this or that? That you will never?

Those nagging self-doubts amplified each other to roaring negativity and drown out any possibility of healthy self-esteem. Judging yourself harshly will not make you a better person. Running yourself down will not empower you to do better. Beating yourself up leaves you feeling helpless and hopeless. The key to feeling better about yourself is to stop judging yourself and start believing you like all other humans are capable of good things much of the time.

Here are some ways to stop the gnawing doubts.

Embrace your flaws.

Those wrinkles are character lines, you earned every one of your scars. There is no such a thing as a perfect person. We all have our flaws. Those nicks and scratches are what make you unique. Accept that how you are is just fine with you and those who care will accept you also.

Someday you like me, will become an older person. Those nicks and scrapes you have gathered up along the way will make you that cherished antique person someday.

Cut yourself some slack. Let your mistakes go.

Errors, mistakes, and missed opportunities are not signs you are a failure. They are the price you pay for being a human. We are all required to make some mistakes. The only person who thinks they make no mistakes is the person who does nothing. Doing nothing is a mistake.

Decide where you want to go in life.

You may not be able to decide what will happen but you can choose where you will go. Life is a journey, not a destination. That saying should ring true for anyone who has lived any portion of time. Live life. Take chances, accumulate memories and you will have a richer experience.

Life’s with no goals and values meander along and never go anywhere.  Want to feel good about yourself? Do lots of things. Do the best things you can to feel good about yourself. Regardless of where you place you will have run the races in life to the best of your abilities.

Give yourself a round of applause, recognize the good things you do.

Focusing on the less than perfect experiences robs you of the joy of the accomplishments. Give yourself credit for all the things you do, large or small. Your accomplishments should matter. They should especially matter to you.

If no one has ever told you that what you did was good, then be that person that cheers you on. If you think back was there someone who was in your corner at some point, maybe a grandmother or close friend? Then remember how they used to acknowledge what you did and repeat that praise to yourself in your head.

Do good deeds to be a good person.

Do things that make you feel good about yourself. The more good things you do the better you will feel. Any time you do something good, for yourself or another person, it improves your self-esteem. Something as simple as a smile can brighten someone’s day. Give a word of encouragement to someone who needs uplifting.

You do not need to do great grand gestures to feel good about being helpful. Any time you are of service you can take credit for that accomplishment.

If you want something to change do something different.

Ruts get deep. The longer you stay in them the deeper they get. To make your life less negative and improve your self-esteem reach out and try something you have never done before. Take a class, start a new hobby, read a self-help blog or book. Each new experience adds to your feeling that you are living this life not simply existing through it.

Jump off the diving board.

Nothing changes until you take that first step. First steps can be scary. If you have an anxiety monster chewing at your self-esteem you may need to stretch out that comfort zone a little at a time. Some new experiences, they can’t be done with a toe in the water. You either stay stuck or you step off the diving board and see what will happen.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel