Are you successful?

Posted on by
2

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success

Success.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is success and how would you know if you were successful?

Success is a slippery thing to catch hold of. When you say successful, most people think first of how much money someone makes. Money and success are not synonymous. Think about all those famous people, actors, and musicians, that had the fame and the money but their life still ended up a disaster.

A few readers have responded to some past counselorssoapbox.com posts about success by telling me they did not care about being a success because they were not all about money. In my thinking money and success are not the same thing, but for some people, the thinking link between these two ideas is so strong they equate pursuing a goal other than money as not wanting to be “successful.” Some folks just can’t imagine being successful without having a pile of money. That seems sad to me.

People who live a good life, they are successful in my book. People who only have money and fame, eventually that goes away. It may come as a surprise to those who say they are not about money, that people who live a good life and have a proper relationship with money do not have to live in poverty to be a good person.

Successes are about achieving your potential. It is the result of being the best possible you rather than having the most other stuff.

Below are some ways to tell if you are living a successful life that is not dependent on how much you have in the bank or how many followers you have. Living a life of purpose and fulfillment is the best form of success to my way of thinking.

How many of these ways are you successful?

You have good social skills – you get along with people

Highly successful people are able to get along with others. They enjoy diverse people and can interact with others regardless of that other person’s characteristics. Really successful people treat others well and do not need to feel better than others to feel ok about themselves.

You look forward to your day

If you hate what you are doing and dread going to work, you may have piles of money, but your life is a failure. If you love what you do and look forward to each new day you are living a life of purpose. People who hate what they do each day eventually find that no amount of money is worth giving up their precious time. Ultimately they quit that job or their mind makes them ill to protect them from doing that unpleasant task.

You have a future

The successful life is headed towards something, not lugging a load of things after you. Today should not be the end of everything. If you find you think that nothing in your life will ever get better, that life is just something you have to endure, then you are in no way a success.

You value learning

People who love learning can find something new to learn every day. When learning is a chore, a drudgery that you do only because you have to, your world grows smaller and less joyous. Money does not compensate you for an unhappy life. A jubilant life is a great reward in and of itself. People who live a satisfying life are a pleasure to be around and they attract others of like mind to them.

You treat people well

People who feel good about themselves do not need to treat others poorly. One sign that you feel like a success is the way you treat others. If you need to put others down and act rudely that says a lot about how you feel about yourself. You may be able to buy compliance with fear or money but to truly have others care about you takes more. It takes treating others the way you would want to be treated and then some.

You help others – being of service

People who are successful think from a place of abundance. They have enough and they can afford to part with some. People who are stingy and selfish think that anything they part with diminishes them.

You are truly successful when you think of what you can do for others to be of service.

Setbacks do not end your progress

Every road has bumps, some larger than others. If a single setback throws you off course your success is not very secure. Highly successful people have failures and setbacks. Those obstacles do not define them. They are successful because they believe they are. For them, success is the opportunity to pursue their dreams, not the number of dollars they get paid for the things they did.

You have learned to control yourself

A rich person with no control can make a failure of themselves in short order. If you have learned self-control, some portion of it anyway, you can count that you have made some progress on your journey to being a successful person.

You keep improving

Success is about using your gifts and developing your talents to become a better you. No amount of having should get in the way of your journey to being the person you would like to be.

There is something you care about

A life of passion is a successful life. If you care about something you can commit to it and that gives your life meaning. How much money you will leave behind to others who only care about you for the dollars does not impart any meaning to life.

The great deeds of heroes and average people are fueled by deep passions for the things that mattered most to them.

You have learned to wait for the good things – patience

Patience is not only a virtue it is the reward of a successful life. When you have the peace of mind to be able to wait for things you are in a place of having what you need rather than chasing the wants of life.

You believe in yourself

If you need more of anything to feel you are acceptable you have not reached your fulfillment. Believing in yourself is a clear reflection that you are living your life in a fruitful way.

You do not need other’s approval to feel good about yourself. Your past is not controlling your present. Self-esteem is not about what you have it is about who you are.

You are able to freely make choices

Indecision is the opposite of a successful life. People who feel good about where they are can easily make choices. If you need other’s approval so much you bend your choices to please them you have not become all you might be.

You are able to accept help

Successful people know that everyone has the ability to make a contribution and they can easily accept help from others. If you feel the need to do everything yourself then you do not yet feel successful.

You spend your time on things that matter to you

If you are so short on time that it all needs to be spent on things and on pleasing others you are still poor in emotional terms. When you have the time to pursue things that matter to you then you have reached success regardless of the number of dollars in your bank account.

You see the good not the bad in people and situations.

The failure sees failure everywhere they look. For them, the world is a dark and gloomy place. Successful people can see the good in others and the possibilities in life.

How many of these traits of a successful life have you cultivated?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is the difference between Melancholy and Atypical Depression?

Posted on by
1

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Depressed person

Depression.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How are Melancholy depression, atypical depression, and major depressive disorder related?

When you read around on the internet, and in some books on the subject also, you will find a lot of different names for depression. Some of these are understood as separate disorders because in doing research or in the way these disorders affect clients they look like different but related conditions. Some of these terms are primarily descriptors, technically descriptors, for the most significant feature of the depression. Some of the terms you will read about elsewhere are more descriptions of the thing that may have caused or may be causing the depression.

Someday we may be able to run a precise test, brain scan, or blood test and identify specific forms of depression. There has been a lot of promising research in this field and some huge claims about the ability to diagnose mental disorders by this or that test, but as of now most diagnosing is done by asking the patient questions, counting up symptoms, and then if you have enough symptoms you get a disorder with a particular name.

Melancholy depression or atypical depression.

Melancholy depression and atypical depression are two “Specifiers” used to group cases of Major Depressive Disorder with similar features together for ease of reference. In the newer diagnostic book (DSM-5) there are 9 specifiers. These specifiers are somewhat changed from the older DSM-4 system. What follows is my oversimplified explanation, for the full text of the description you would need to look at the APA book DSM-5.

What is Melancholy Depression?

Almost total loss of pleasure. Stuff that used to make you happy now just does not interest you. If you are too depressed to think about sex or a hobby you used to love, chances are you have melancholic depression.

With Melancholic depression, nothing is likely to snap you out of it. You see a show that others say is funny but you can’t enjoy it and laughter is just too much work. If something good happens, it does not make you feel good even for a little while.

People with Melancholic depression have a noticeable down mood. They are despondent, hopeless, or in despair. People with this form of major depression wake up way early and their depression is worse in the morning. They have changes in appetite and feel guilty.

This is the kind of depression that made its way into novels in the last century and may still be seen on soap operas. These literary efforts make this look like it is someone being dramatic or overacting. In the clinic, this is a real enough disorder and people with this condition are not faking it for attention.

Depression with atypical features specifier.

With atypical features, the depressed person can snap out of it a little for a while if something really good happens. They laugh at a joke, some of the time. The trouble is that the happy feeling is fleeting and disappears before they realize they just smiled.

With atypical features, the person has significant weight gain and or increased appetite. They are always tired and drag around. With this type of major depression, the image that should come to mind is a bear hibernating for the winter. They eat everything in sight and then sleep for hours. Upon waking they are too tired to walk around and after eating they return to sleep.

People with atypical features to their depression customarily have had a long-term pattern of feeling rejected. They are very sensitive to any hint of rejection, judgment, or criticism and this often interferes with personal relationships, job, school, or any other activity that involves getting along with others.

With Seasonal pattern depression specifiers.

Another specifier would be added if this person had the depression only at one particular time of year or at a transition between seasons. This requires the change of weather or seasons to be the trigger for the depression. If you work a summer or winter job and get laid off each year that is not seasonal depression. We know what caused it and the weather need not get blamed.

This type of depression is often called winter blues or it used to be called seasonal affective disorder before we split bipolar and depression into two very different groups of disorders.

Peripartum onset specific for depression.

The name of this specifier was changed and I think for good reason. This is the “thing” that used to get called postpartum depression. Turns out that lots of times this started out in the middle of the pregnancy. Starting before the birth of the baby is a bad sign as often this results in a more severe depressive episode.

Women who had postpartum depression now called Major depressive disorder with Peripartum onset found that with each succeeding pregnancy the depression gets worse.

With psychotic features turns into two specifiers.

What used to be major depressive disorder with psychotic features has been subdivided into two specifiers. One is Mood congruent psychotic features and the other is mood-incongruent psychotic features.

Catatonia.

This is that condition where a person stands frozen like a statue. It can be diagnosed separately without any depression but occasionally it appears as a specific type or specific form of major depressive disorder.

This is a quick, abbreviated, run down on some features of Major Depressive Disorder. If you or anyone you know has these symptoms seek professional help. Getting help is not giving in to your illness. Getting help early can keep depression from getting far worse and ruining your relationships, job, or your happy life.

For more posts on depression:

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are you catching a mental illness?

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mental Health or Mental Illness

Mental Health or Mental Illness?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How would you know if you were becoming mentally or emotionally sick?

Some mornings I wake up a little out of sorts. Maybe a cough, maybe a headache, or just a general feeling of tiredness. Am I getting a cold or flu or is this just a difficult morning? This is the allergy season, or maybe it is the cold and flu season, am I coming down with something? I hope not.

There is this morning routine, for me, it is mostly the same each day. Hit the bathroom, comb my teeth, and brush my hair, no wait, that should be the other way around. Maybe just brush them both. Then I take my vitamins and an allergy pill and hope the headache or other symptoms will go away. Blowing my nose, that might help also. You get the idea of my routine? Lastly, I feed and water my cat and slow down long enough to pet her a few times.

But if, after a while, I am not feeling better, say after my morning coffee and some light breakfast. Now I am thinking maybe I am getting sick. If by mid-day I am still coughing sneezing and feeling tired something is surely wrong.

What would happen if I were developing a mental or emotional disorder? Would I know? Do you?

This does not mean that you could catch a mental illness from someone the way you might catch a cold. We know of no germ that will get you mentally ill. Hanging out with someone who has schizophrenia will not give it to you. Being around someone with Bipolar Disorder will not make you Bipolar. Being “stressed out” or living an unhealthy lifestyle, that may put you at an added risk to develop a mental illness, however.

We believe that there are things that you might do to wear your body out and increase your risk of a physical illness, staying up to late, not enough sleep, poor diet, and being in unhealthy surroundings all increase your risk of getting a cold. Taking good care of your physical body will reduce your risk of physical illnesses. But you might do everything right and still catch a cold. Same thing is true of depression, anxiety, stress-related disorders, and a lot of other emotional and mental illnesses.

If I am sneezing, coughing, have headaches and so on I am thinking cold. There are certain signs and symptoms that should make me think maybe I am developing an emotional problem. Remember my daily routine above? The last thing I do before I start my day is feed, water, and pet the cat. If I forget to do this, or just do not feel like doing it one morning, this is, for me, a sign that I am not mentally at my best.

These signs and symptoms are different for everyone. How would you know if you are having a good day? How would you know if you are having a bad day?

Being a professionally trained person I know and could rattle off the symptoms of a number of mental disorders. For me, they are relatively easy to spot during an initial assessment interview. But let them happen to me personally and I may not notice these signs till it is way too late. Remember that mental health professionals are not immune to stress, anxiety, and depression. We should know tools to work on those things if they ever happen to us, but most professionals, like other people, don’t always spot those instances in ourselves until someone else notices them.

One thing that is very helpful is to take a look at your life, daily and maybe in longer increments. What do you do when feeling emotionally at your best and what are you like when you are getting less well?

By knowing what you are like on a good day and then what you are like when things are headed in the wrong direction you are in a better position to do something about those off days before they become stretches of mental illnesses.

If you want more information on this topic, how to get and stay mentally well. Take a look at the works of Mary Ellen Copeland. Her WRAP (Wellness and Recovery Action Planning) program includes lots of material on this and many other areas of life.

WRAP has come from the consumer movement. People who have had a diagnosed mental illness and have recovered. People who have been brave enough to talk about their recovery. This information has influenced the direction of professional treatment. Professionals like Kay Redfield-Jamison who have openly talked about having a mental illness have also impacted the view we take of treatment for mental illnesses.

There was a time when professionals thought that once you had a mental illness, that was it, your life now needed to be turned over to others to control. We know now that throughout the lifespan people can become less well or they can become more well and that there is this thing that we now call the wellness and recovery continuum.

My suggestion to those of you who have read this far is to educate yourself about mental health and wellness and see if there aren’t things you can do to improve your mental health no matter where you may be on that wellness and recovery continuum.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Happy Mothers Day

Posted on by
Reply
Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Games to play with your inner child.

Posted on by
2

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Children Playing.

Children Playing.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Have you forgotten how to play?

Children start out life being able to play naturally. As you get older it is easy to get caught up in the seriousness of the adult role. Some people get told far too early in life that they should grow up and act like adults. Happy, emotionally healthy people discover that being able to play can be a great stress reducer. Think some about how much you used to like to play. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could put some of that playfulness back in your life?

Once you get to be an adult you may have started to think that having fun was either expensive or involved high-risk behaviors like drugs, alcohol, or sex. There are plenty of ways an adult can have fun that does not involve high-risk behaviors. Here are some suggestions for ways to play and have fun again in ways that are consistent with a healthy emotional life and recovery from whatever you may be recovering from.

Plan a tour for an out-of-town guest.

Where would you take an old friend or relative if they visited you in the town you live in for the first time? Bet there are tourist attractions you have never seen right around the corner from where you live.

Are their museums, quaint shops, or other things that bring tourists to your town? Consider giving yourself a tour of all those hidden pleasures. Consider checking out the tourist must-see spots in your own town.

Make up an excuse to play in the dirt.

Remember how much fun it was way back when playing in the dirt? Why can’t adults do that again? Plant a garden, go digging for rocks and minerals, or work on an outdoor restoration project. Find a way to get back in touch with the earth in an adult fun way.

Physical effort, the kind you just can’t do in a suit and tie is good for the body and the soul.

Offer to babysit.

Like kids but yours have grown up and moved away? Help out someone and watch their kids. Volunteer to take some kids on a field trip or coach a team. See how much fun you can have sharing your experiences and know-how with youngsters.

Go toy shopping.

Therapists who work with children get to use this excuse a lot. A major part of the fun of toys is shopping for them. Visit a toy store. Buy some toys for you and a partner or child to play. Consider donating some toys to needy children on a holiday. Any excuse to shop for toys will do.

Remember that doing for others is often more rewarding than doing for yourself.

Plan a craft project.

Craft projects are great fun for children of all ages from birth to however old you can be. Make something to decorate your home. A small handmade thing says this is my space whether it is at home or at the office. Handmade craft projects are great gifts also.

Color with crayons.

Remember when you used to do your art? Did you draw or color? Get that feeling again! There is nothing like crayons to bring out the child in you. You do not need to be a great artist to enjoy the process of expressing yourself.

Paint some rocks.

Honest, the rocks do not mind. There are plenty of them. Think of all the fun things you could make decorating a rock. This can make a great group project. Have a contest for the best-painted rock.

Looking again at common everyday items in a new way can spark your creativity. What shapes do you see in the rock? Can you bring them out by adding a touch here and a line there?

Mother earth scavenger hunt.

This is a great chance to combine a competition, you know how adults like competitions, with some teamwork and the great outdoors. What would you expect to see if you walked in the park or woods? Make a list of what might be there if you looked really hard. Did you see the squirrel and the toad?

You do not have to collect things or bring them home. Just capturing the memories of the things you saw can be an exciting fun-filled adventure. Take some photos or a video. That smartphone or tablet has uses beyond social media.

Those are some of my thoughts about how to change up the pace and have some fun even if you are an adult. But the way it can help to reconnect with your inner child if you can persuade a real small child to accompany you on this expedition. Maybe a grandchild or plan an event with a friend or neighbor who has small children and could use an outing also.

Any other ideas for how to be childlike and have fun once more? Wouldn’t it be good to get some play, back into your life?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Children with mental illness.

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Crying child

Youth mental health.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How much do you know about children and mental illness?

Childhood is not a happy time for many children.

We used to think that childhood was a happy time and then you grow up and have to struggle with life’s problems. That is the scenario for some people but more and more we are realizing that childhood is the time when these emotional problems begin to develop. There is a whole lot of anxiety and depression in children.

Being anxious is not something that you automatically outgrow, Truth is that most people with adult anxiety disorders had serious anxiety attacks in elementary or middle school. Untreated these kinds of problems can follow you throughout your adult life.

In adult therapy, we discover that many adult issues were things that people experienced, learned from experience, between 8 and 18. These life lessons may have made sense as a child but as an adult, these learned lessons can hold you back. Some of them can keep you in pain for decades.

Part of healing from adult issues is going back and looking at the things you experienced and the lessons learned as a child that are not helping you now as an adult. Anything you learned can be unlearned. I recommend parenting education for most adults even if they have no children. Knowing what is normal at a particular time in life can help you fix the parts of your life blueprint that you have gotten wrong or that you never drew in the first place.

Learning about childhood mental illness can help you, it can help you in raising your children and if everyone knew enough we might not pass on so many emotional problems to the next generation.

Here are some resources that may help you learn more about childhood mental illness and how to keep those issues from following you or your loved ones throughout the rest of your life.

Here are some resources that can tell you more about childhood mental illness.

National Institutes of Health

Take a look at this interesting infographic on children’s mental health issues titled:

Are the kids alright? 

Also:

Mayo Clinic

WebMD

Have you found any other good resources for information about children’s mental health?

Isn’t it time we looked more carefully at this problem?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Saying good bye to your therapist.

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Therapist

Therapist.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

When is it time to end therapy?

How do you know when it is time to end therapy? Some people go for a few sessions and then they are done, while others, well they keep going for years. How would you know it is time to end the therapy sessions? And what should you be doing after the time with your counselor ends?

This parting of the ways can be hard for both of you. Therapists study in school a process called “termination.”  We know that ending a relationship, especially one as emotionally close as counseling, can be difficult. Sometimes this ending the counseling relationship needs to happen over several sessions. This is especially true if you have trust or abandonment issues.

Sometimes we counselors hate to see a client stop coming, not just for the money but because the counselor will miss them.

Of course, there are times you need to keep going to therapy even when you don’t feel like it. Working on issues can be painful at times and perseverance pays off. But other times it is best to end or take a break from therapy.

If you have been questioning whether you still need to go see the counselor every week please talk this over with them. They may have suggestions about other things you need to work on and you can make a decision about those things. Remember the final decision is yours. Here are some times you may need to stop going to therapy.

You have accomplished the counseling goals you set.

The thing that pushes many people into therapy is a crisis or acute problem in your life. You go, you work on your issue and then things start getting better. If you find yourself looking for things to talk about rather than having pressing needs to talk then you may be ready to end therapy.

Think carefully about the thing that brought you to the therapist’s office in the first place. Was this an unexpected problem, a job loss, or death in the family?  Or was this breakup or job loss a recurring pattern in your life that needs complete examination if you are to rid your life of this recurring issue?

Do you think of the counselor as a friend instead of a professional helper?

If you find you are going because your therapist is your friend then you may be ready to end this relationship. A counselor’s job is to help you develop the skills you need to move on in life. You should be working on making other friends and developing a support system.

No one person in your life can be your one and only support system. If you are dependent on your counselor because you have no friends outside that relationship you need to be working on how to create that support system. The counselor can support you in the process of creating other supports but they should avoid creating a situation where you become dependent on them.

If you start worrying about your therapist’s feelings and how they will take your desire to end treatment, then you have shifted from being the client to trying to caretake the counselor’s feelings. You probably are done, at least for now.

You find it hard to give up other activities to go to therapy.

If you find that you are passing up on other activates you would like to participate in to go see the counselor this suggests you are getting ready to end the sessions. The goals of therapy, depending on the identified problem, should be for you to reach the point you can function at work, with family and friends, and that there are things you enjoy doing.

If this problem is no longer interfering with those social and job-related activities and you are not feeling distressed over your problems then you are getting ready to transition to living life without that weekly therapy visit.

What was the problem? It’s time to end therapy if you can’t remember why you are going.

If you talked all up and down and around and now find that you can’t identify a problem that needs work you are ready to end treatment. If you have moved from getting treatment for a problem to just wanting advice and ideas on how to be happier or more productive you have transitioned from doing therapy to something more like life coaching. Licensed Therapists and Counselors can do life coaching. If you have any mental or emotional issues I recommend you get your coaching from someone trained in mental health. Remember though that life coaching is a different skill from therapy and probably is not covered by your insurance.

You are not making any progress on your issues.

At times there are periods where work is going on and you do not yet see the results. Do not give up before the miracles happen. But if you feel you have moved as far as you can with this provider or this therapeutic approach. Talk this over with your counselor and see what insight they can offer. Sometimes you need a break from therapy and at other times you may need to work with a new person who can offer you a new perspective.

There are other reasons that you may want or need to end counseling, but those are some of the bigger ones. Have you found it hard to end therapy? Have you stopped going and how did that work out for you?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

That Disability Line Looked Awfully Tempting!

Posted on by
Reply

Ever wonder about those disability lines and parking spaces? This post says a lot about what it means to be disabled and the role your attitude plays in what you can and can’t do. It touched me and I hope you will find it as touching as I did.

 

5kidswdisabilities's avatarRaising 5 Kids With Disabilities and Remaining Sane Blog

o-WAITING-IN-LINE-AIR-JORDANS-facebook

Needing to get a picture ID, Marie and I went into the black hole named the Registry of Motor Vehicles. Despite many years of revamping, that place can still take 4 hours to navigate. It was with this background that I bring up the option of the line for people with disabilities. Actually, there WAS no line. Tempting. MMMMMMMM. Marie has a disability. Teaching her to be more independent, I was actually only accompanying her while showing her that SHE can maneuver through the system. Without parental assistance, she really DID have a disability. But I have raised my children not to see their disabilities but their abilities. She may not talk or hear, but, armed with all of the appropriate paperwork filled out and the certificates of existence she needed, (birth certificate and social security card,) she has the capabilities of writing what she wants to say and reading…

View original post 213 more words

Getting back control of your life.

Posted on by
Reply

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

I am the boss of me.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Lost control of your life? Here are ways to get control back.

Do you ever feel like your life has gone out of controls, a train completely off the rails? If you have reached the point where you are feeling that your life is controlled by others, by fate, drugs, and alcohol or by your past, here are some ways to get control of that life back.

Make choices.

Make lots of them. If your life is out of control you can’t keep doing things the way you have been. In this situation, there are few wrong choices. Mostly the wrong choices are the ones you didn’t make. Letting others run your life sounds like the wrong choice to me. If you don’t control your life you are living for others. Let your life get out of control and Parole, probation, bill collectors, substances, and others will take over controlling your life.

If things are out of control now is the time to start making choices. Clearly being out of control is no place to stay. If the choices you have been making have taken you here then start making different choices.

Plan where you are going.

If you want to get somewhere in life you need to plan where you are going. Even if you plan only to wander you do not need to be lost. Plan to move forward and you will find that you regain control of your motion.

What would an in control life look like? What would you be doing if that life was under control? What do you need to do to get there?

Set goals. What are the things you would like to do if only you could? Make a list. Write it down so it becomes real. Keep adding to that list. What fifty or one hundred things would you like to do in your life? Prioritize that list. What are the top ten? Start working towards things on your list. Scratch off the things completed while adding to your list.

In a very short time, you will find you are steering your life in your own directions.

Pay attention to what is going on today.

Life can slip away while you are waiting for things to start.

You live life second by second, minute by minute. People lose control of today when they spend all their time staring off into the future and looking back over their shoulder at the past. Plan where you are headed for in the future but do your walking in today.

Pause as you move through your day. What is going on around you? Be conscious and intentional in your actions. Why are you doing what you are doing? Are you seeing what is around you? Do you miss out on happiness because you walk on by without stopping to notice the smiles?

Stop letting things happen to you and start making them happen.

Refuse to be a victim. Monitor your attitude and take an active part in changing what you can and accepting what you can’t change. Life is not a spectator sport. If you want a different life you need to be the one taking the action.

What one thing could you do today that might change your life? Think of the snowball effect. Small changes, little steps, taken over, and over cumulatively add up to big achievements.

Stop being fake and be the real you.

Do you spend a lot of time trying to please others? Stop giving yourself away. Get honest with yourself and if others around you can’t accept you then change those in your life. Stop changing you to be a fake person to please others. People do not like fakes and you can’t fake being likable.

Be true to you or you will be fake for everyone. Being authentic is on the way to regaining control over your life.

Look for the places you give away control.

Have you picked up habits that take you places you do not want to go to? Drugs, alcohol, or other addictions take you over and in the process, they take your life out of control. Do you have unhealthy friends? The more time you spend with out of control people the less in control of your own life you will be. Most of the time people do not walk into your life and take control of you. Watch for the times you have handed over that control by letting your habits and other people make the decisions you should have been making for yourself.

Look for opportunities to practice your won’t power. Control of your life can slip away as you overindulge in spending too much, eating unhealthy diets, and not getting to bed on time. Failure to make the hard choices and pass up the current pleasures for the long-term benefits can give your control away to bad habits. Do not let unconscious habits take control of you.

Take another look at your relationships.

If you are around overly controlling people you may need help breaking free. Which of your relationships support you being in control of your life and which relationships take over and control you?

If your lack of control is because someone else is controlling you then you may need professional help to find a safe way to break out of the cycle. Your true friends and loved ones will support you in being the best possible you. Those who control you for their own reasons are keeping your life out of control.

Simplify.

Too much stuff gets in the way of steering your life. What things, what people, and what habits need to be removed from your life? The simple life is always more under control than the overfull life. Clean out your living space. Toss unhelpful attitudes and anything else that is getting in the way of an in control life.

You might want to check out the other posts on Self Help Skills and Self Improvement.

Is your life out of control? What steps can you take today to get back that control?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

11 ways to be a great parent.

Posted on by
4

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Parenting.

Parenting.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Want to be a great parent? Here are some parenting basics.

Many people worry about how good a parent they are and how to be a better one. Those who don’t worry probably need help more than those who do worry. I recommend parenting education to many of my clients, even ones that do not have children.

Learning how to be a good parent can help you with the skills to be a good grandparent, friend or any mentoring role. Knowing something about parenting and how it affects children can also help you if you have unresolved issues from childhood. This is a skill I think of as self-parenting.

Here are some tips gathered from all over on how to be a good parent. My apologies to those I learned these things from as I forget who taught or wrote about which point. If you have gathered some other parenting ideas feel free to comment or use the contact me form.

1. Catch your children doing something right.

There are plenty of people who will point out a person’s flaws. You do not make better children by attending to only those things they do wrong. Too much attention to the mistakes makes the child think they are not capable of doing anything right.

Help them learn that they are capable of doing things and doing them well. They do not need to be the world champion in that endeavor at age 5. It is sufficient that they find their talents to develop and enjoy the process of mastering that activity they love.

Help children develop a sense of mastery. They will feel better about themselves if they can do good things.

2. Make sure your children know you love them.

Many parents think their children know they are loved. The trouble is a lot of adults say their parents never told them they loved them. We show our love sometimes by the things we do, feeding, and caring for family members. Trouble is other people may give you food or tangible things, that doesn’t mean they love you. Doing things or buying things just isn’t enough. People need to hear those loving words also.

Let your children know you love them not just for what they do or the successes they have but that you love them even when they are less than perfect. Love unconditionally, not just for the good times.

3. Parents need to be parents and let the child be a child.

You can have a good relationship with your children but you can’t neglect your duties as a parent. They need friends but that is not the parent’s job. There are times a parent needs to say no. You have to deliver the bad news. There will be times you need to set limits and boundaries. If the parent does not set limits the child begins to think they can’t be controlled. Eventually, they will come to believe that they can control themselves.

4. Take good care of yourself – set a good example.

Children learn more by watching what you do than by listening to what you say. Lots of people talk about what others should do. The lessons of what you do, come through loud and clear. If children see you never taking care of yourself they think that is what they need to do to be like you.

5. Maintain your adult relationships.

Parents need to have other adult friends. If you are in a relationship you need to spend time with that partner maintaining that relationship. Stay in touch with friends. Your children will develop friendships and eventually relationships. The kids can’t be the ones to meet all your social needs.

There will be life after children. If you are in a relationship maintain it. If you are a single parent develop other healthy adult relationships. You will need friends as your children venture out into the world and they will not be able to stay around to meet all your needs.

6. Get along with others. Especially the other relatives.

If you and the other relatives do not get along then you put your children in an impossible situation. You and your ex may not be together anymore but no matter how much that other person hurt you they will always be your children’s other parent. Don’t put your children in the position of having to take sides. If you keep your children from the other parent it is the kids that you are punishing not your ex.

Short of keeping your children out of real danger, it does not pay to inflict your pain on the children and keep them from having contact with a relative because they have angered you.

Having an extended family that the child can learn from and be supported by anchors them and give their life meaning. Don’t let your squabbles and rivalries with other relatives keep your child isolated from having a family.

7. Have good mental health – learn to manage anger and reduce stress.

Having a depressed parent leaves a lasting impression on a child. It is not noble to suffer in silence. If you have issues get help. Mentally healthy parents raise healthy children. Addicted parents raise children who struggle through life. Get healthy for their sake.

Do not alibi that “that is just the way I am.” You say you have always had a lot of anger? There was a time that you ate with your fingers and went in your diaper. If you could learn to eat with silverware and use the bathroom then you are capable of learning to control your anger.

Learn stress reduction techniques. Develop healthy ways of managing your anger.

8. Accept your child’s differences. They will not be small copies of you.

Parents want their children to be all they can be. What is not helpful is to try to overcome your failures by pushing your children to succeed where you did not. Love a sport? You can teach your child that love. They may excel. But don’t try to redeem yourself by pushing them to make the team where you failed or to win the championship you lost out on.

9. Make learning important.

In this world what we know can become obsolete. Any of you still using rotary dial phones? Not likely your children will get far with only that technology. Learn something new every day. Encourage your children to learn also.

Learn for the fun of it and then life becomes fun. The most successful people have interests and knowledge outside the field in which they work. Taking knowledge from one area and applying it to others is where much of the creativity in this world comes from.

10. Keep life in balance.

Life is not all about one thing. We need to work hard but we need to play. Children need to study and they need to laugh. If you do not have your life in balance then your children will have difficulty learning how to keep theirs on an even keel.

We all have many aspects of our lives. You need to eat well, exercise well, and sleep well to live well. Do not neglect the social part of your life. Pay attention to your religious or spiritual needs also.

11. Spend time with them.

Time is more important than money when it comes to raising healthy children. Do things with them. Take them along. Plan activities together. The toy may break and be discarded, the candy is eaten and gone, but the experiences you create together will last a lifetime.

Those are some of my suggestions for being a great parent. What suggestions do you have?

You can find more at  Parenting and Children and Family Problems.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel