Social Anxiety
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Being socially anxious may be a good thing.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Recently, many of the people I’ve been talking to report that they are suffering from social anxiety. They become so anxious that they are afraid to leave their house or be around others. Some of this may be a residual effect from what we were calling the Covid pandemic. But I think it goes deeper and has been around a lot longer than just our experience with the Covid virus.

Western culture emphasizes rugged individualism.

During my lifetime, there has been a lot of discussion about the value of being an individual, charting your own course, and being your own man or woman. There are certainly some advantages to individuality. I don’t think living in a world where all the songs sounded the same would be very enjoyable. Sometimes, it’s worthwhile to follow your own path and do your own thing, but I think there’s also something to be said in praise of the value of a certain level of conformity.

Social anxiety may well have started out as an evolutionary advantage.

Think about living in a preindustrial society with no modern weapons or houses. One person going out into the forest or jungle alone, even if they had a sharp stick, was at risk of being killed and eaten by a mountain lion or a tiger or bear. But a group of 10 men, all with spears, can fight off that predator. When you go hunting in a group, it’s better if they all like you. If you’re the one being attacked by the mountain lion, you don’t want the other saying, “I’m not going to risk my life for him!”

All societies have rules.

I hear many people saying that they shouldn’t have to follow certain rules, but I think they’re not conscious of how often they actually follow them and how offended they would be if others didn’t. Parents who are separated will tell me that the problem with their children is that when they visit their other parent, there are no rules. I find that hard to believe. The rules may be different in different places, but I think most people, children included, can learn that there are different rules in different settings.

Most people are pretty good about going in the bathroom to do their business. You don’t see people defecating and urinating next to their table at the restaurant. I think we all would agree that in most places, people don’t walk into stores without wearing clothing. The point here is that we all seem to, at some level, think certain rules should be understood without having to be posted and reiterated.

I get that many of these rules were learned early in childhood, but that’s what parents, the extended family, and your village or society are all for.

The need for social conformity is less than it was.

When you live in very small groups with other people, you have to follow the rules or risk their wrath. In this modern society, more and more people live alone, as childless couples, or with relatively few people in their homes. Aside from a few legal exceptions, what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. But as soon as you leave that house, it’s a good idea not to offend too many people. Particularly the people who are called law enforcement.

So, how do you keep social anxiety in its proper place?

People need to develop social intelligence. Performers and politicians might refer to this as “reading the room.” Remember, there are certain fundamental rules; people won’t like you if you don’t follow them. An essential part of this skill is a characteristic we call emotional intelligence. If you spend some time learning and appreciating the variety of emotions people might be having, you’re more likely to interact with them in a positive way and less likely to provoke a conflict.

What’s the problem with social anxiety?

People with social anxiety go too far down the road of trying to please everyone rather than realizing what they need to do or the need to follow social conventions. You’re off base if you constantly worry about what others think of you and how they judge you. But you should ask yourself if you are doing the right or acceptable thing. Beyond that, whether other people like you or don’t like you, whether they think you’re wearing the correct brand of clothing or not, is probably none of your business.

Being different isn’t always safe.

Sometimes, being different sets you apart. Entertainers, celebrities, and influencers all want to be different and unique. But being too different can make other people anxious, and people who are high in anxiety or provoked can do some pretty dangerous things. While our society encourages people to be individuals, each one of those individuals should recognize that not everyone will like your brand of individuality. Social anxiety warns us that sometimes going against the crowd has its price.

How about you? Do you think of yourself as an individual? Are you highly in social anxiety and constantly worrying about what other people think about you? How do you balance your needs with the need to not provoke others? Let me know what you think about social anxiety’s disadvantages and benefits.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

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