Gunny Sacking – When the emotional dam breaks

By David Joel Miller MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Pile of gunnysack

Gunny sacks.
Photo courtesy of  Pixabay.

Gunny Sacking is a major source of problems in relationships.

Gunny Sacking, sometimes called dam building, is that human tendency to hold grudges and then try to get even later. People who do this are often not aware they are doing it and they have, or think they have, good reasons for the behavior. Unfortunately, this Gunny Sacking behavior makes their relationship conflicts worse, not better.

Here is how the emotional Gunny sack fills up.

You get up one morning, you don’t feel well and you are running late. You trip over your husband’s dirty gym clothes that he left on the floor. You are miffed, maybe annoyed, but you let it go. When you get to the kitchen there are dirty dishes on the table and your husband is already gone. He did not wait for you, did not say goodbye, or clean up after himself.

Now you are getting angry. But you don’t say anything.

Later in the week, you make plans to go somewhere, maybe the two of you have been planning this activate for weeks, but he comes home late and you miss the thing you had planned on, or maybe you just go alone. Now you are furious, but still, you don’t say anything.

At this point, you men are getting defensive. I know that the boss called you to come in early. He also dropped an emergency on your desk at five minutes to five and when you called your partner the phone was busy. You have lots of reasons for all of this, she would call them excuses.

You guys are also thinking of all the things she did this week that you never said anything about.

None of that matters.

All week long she has been collecting slights, things he did wrong, and putting them in her gunny sack. By weekend that sack is overfull and getting too heavy to carry.

He has probably been filling up his gunny sack also. She didn’t do the dishes, there were tissues on the floor from the soap opera she watched and cried through, she was late getting dinner ready because of the meeting she had with the “The President” or “The Prime Minister.”

None of those things matter either.

Come Friday night, this was supposed to be their romantic evening alone, but before the loving can get started one or the other suddenly explodes and starts beating their partner to death with the full gunny sack. This beating usually starts off verbally but may end up becoming physical if both parties are not very careful.

The result of storing up all these issues and then dumping them all at once results in some particularly nasty disagreements. Well-functioning families talk out these issues as the week goes along and they do not let that gunny sack get full enough to be an unbearable weight.

Some people prefer to build a dam to hold the problems back. For them, a gunny sack is simply not big enough to hold all the resentments they are developing towards their family member.

They store stuff up over longer time frames, but when that dam finally breaks the deluge of anger is devastating. This broken dam release often washes away the relationship and takes family and friends downstream with it.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists (CBT) will ascribe the problems above to a faulty belief system. This couple has developed beliefs about why the other person is doing what they are doing. If she thinks his leaving without cleaning up and saying goodbye is because he is rude and uncaring, she gets mad. If she thinks something terribly important must have come up to make him do this, then she will be worried about him.

He probably also has distorted beliefs. Those tissues on the floor, they were because her girlfriend is very ill with cancer not because of the soap opera. See how faulty beliefs can turn life occurrences into crazy-making anger?

The stories you tell yourself matter.

Narrative therapists will say that both parties in this tale have constructed their own personal story or fable about why the other is doing what they are doing and what this means. Once the story gets full of problems and we can’t see anything good anymore. We will find this story we created harms our emotional health.

In future posts, I want to talk more about these ideas. But for now, whether you see this as faulty beliefs or a problem-filled story, we tell ourselves things and then live down to them. This couple would have gotten a whole lot farther if they had tackled each problem as they came along, in a loving accepting way, rather than storing up all their resentments for the inevitable catastrophe.

Do you gunny-sack?

How about you? Do you have a gunny sack for collecting resentments or are you building a dam full of resentments to wash away your relationship? If you or your partner are doing these things, this can change. If the two of you can’t talk about things without the gunny sack consider getting professional help.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What sense of smell – odors – tells us about mental illness?

By David Joel Miller MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Sense of smell.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

Is there a connection between the sense of smell and mental illness?

There is a body of research that tells us that there is a connection between the sense of smell, your ability to recognize and identify odors, and the chance you have or will develop a mental illness. There are also cases of olfactory hallucinations; smelling things that everyone else is sure is not there.

While this research suggests some connections, to me the articles I have read are short of conclusive.

An altered sense of smell has been linked to disorders as divergent as Schizophrenia, Bipolar disorder, autism, and eating and feeding disorders.

Smelling it does not mean you can identify the smell.

One thing we do know is that the ability to identify an odor is not the same thing as the ability to detect one. People are more likely to like a smell they can identify and unknown smells are more likely to be considered unpleasant. Memory and its connection to smells are important for many reasons.

Smells trigger memories.

This is significant because smells are powerful memory cures. People who have a poor ability to notice smells or to remember them are at a disadvantage in remembering things that might be associated with those smells.

Schizophrenia and odors.

The disorder most cited as having olfactory (odor or smell) impairment is Schizophrenia. More interesting yet is the repeated observation that males with schizophrenia are far more likely to have olfactory disruption than females (Nguyen et al, 2010.) These males with schizophrenia had disruption of odor identification, memory, odor detection abilities, and poor odor discrimination, the ability to tell one smell from another.

Females in these studies rather than not being able to recognize or identify smells were more likely to smell foul or unpleasant things that were in fact not detectable to others. The conclusion was that women have more olfactory hallucinations and men more loss of ability to smell.

Schizophrenia is characterized by negative symptoms, which are the loss of some abilities others have, as well as positive symptoms such as hallucinations. Someone with schizophrenia will likely have or experience social withdrawal, attention problems, difficulty making decisions, and perceptual problems.

People with schizophrenia also have high rates of olfactory identification problems, discrimination of smells, olfactory memory, and olfactory detection errors, principally in males. Poor olfactory discrimination is also found in close relatives of people who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia even when those relatives have not received the diagnosis themselves.

Olfactory identification problems do not appear to be found in people with Bipolar disorder, Major depressive disorder, other related psychosis, or anorexia nervosa.

Alzheimer’s, and Parkinson’s diseases and smells.

Olfactory hallucinations and discrimination deficits are seen in those with Alzheimer’s, and Parkinson’s diseases in addition to Schizophrenia.

One researcher reports that people with Bipolar Disorder have some olfactory impairment but that they are less bothered by unpleasant smells that those people who have Schizophrenia (Cummings et al., 2010.)

Autism and odors.

In Autism olfactory identification is reported as impaired. Individuals who had been diagnosed with Autism preferred Lemon and Orange smells, to lavender. They disliked most other strong smells. In Autism strong smells are linked to perceptions of taste and result in high rates of food refusal and selectivity (Hrdlicka et al., 2010.)

Olfactory hallucinations.

One condition of note is olfactory hallucinations. Some patients reported a foul-smelling order coming from themselves. This odor was not detected by staff. This olfactory hallucination is referred to as Reference Syndrome and was reported in patients with temporal lobe epilepsy. Other olfactory hallucinations have been reported in clients with substance-induced Psychotic Disorder, Hypomania with Alcohol dependence combined with hypomania (Luckhaus et al., 2003.)

There does not appear to be any connection between depression and olfactory dysfunction (Scinska et al., 2008.)

Migraines and odors.

Olfactory dysregulation has also been linked to people who have frequent migraines, with over 45% of people experiencing migraines reporting odors are triggers for those migraines. In migraine suffers, almost 25% had a fear of a particular odor, and an equal number reported taste abnormalities when having a migraine episode. MRI’s showed that women were eight times more likely to have brain activation from odors. This makes one wonder if many of the issues with odor detection, memory, and discrimination are more linked to gender than to a particular psychiatric diagnosis.

Other studies have reported significant episodes of visual hallucinations during migraine attacks and make the point that visual and auditory hallucinations are so pronounced and readily identifiable most people are not asked about and do not report either olfactory (smells) or gustatory (taste) hallucinations.

In people with schizophrenia, 75% reported auditory hallucinations, 37% reported somatic hallucinations while olfactory hallucinations were reported by 18% of the patients which is slightly more than the 14% who reported visual hallucinations. Despite being so common, few clients report olfactory hallucinations and clinicians are not generally looking for them.

While people with schizophrenia may experience hallucinations in all modalities, providers frequently stop asking about hallucinations after the first or second reported hallucinations.

Stress and hallucinations.

Researchers find that people who report being under “stress” are more likely to have experienced olfactory hallucinations and one study concludes that stress may lower the threshold for hallucinations of any type.

Because the major part of the olfactory sensing part of the brain is on one side of the brain researchers have suggested that there may be a difference in the way in which left-handed and right-handed people experience olfactory hallucinations.

While olfactory hallucinations are readily identifiable in people who have migraines they are less identifiable but more likely to be described as unpleasant in those with epilepsy.

While we still can’t use olfactory or gustatory hallucinations or dysfunction as makers for a particular mental illness, we know abnormalities in the sense of smell and taste may be factors in the development of a mental or emotional problem.

Have you experienced an alteration in your sense of smell or taste and no medical reason has been found? Care to share?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel