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What causes Mental, Emotional or Behavioral illness? We have been wrong.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Sad child

Sad.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Looks like a lot of the theories about what caused mental illness are wrong.

What causes mental illness? What do we know and what do we think we know?

Many of the things we thought were causing mental illness turns out to not be causes. In the process, we missed a lot of things that are impairing the mental health of our society.

There have always been people who were clearly mentally different from others. We have seen explanations for what causes mental illness to come and go. Today we know more than ever before about the human brain, how it works and some of the problems it may develop, still we are less sure than before about what is causing that thing we call mental illness.

There is hardly a day now when you can turn on the T. V. or read the news online and not hear about someone with a “mental illness” and some terrible thing they have done. This media coverage is leaving more out than they put in and the result is less, not more, understanding about mental illness.

The mentally ill and violence.

As an aside here, the mentally ill, those with serious long-term illnesses, are more likely to be victims of crime than the perpetrators. They get beat up and robbed on a daily basis. This rarely gets on the news unless the perpetrator is a police officer, and even then the sense is that the mentally ill somehow deserved it.

Personally, experience has taught me that I have more to fear from the person who was just served with divorce papers or found out their spouse is cheating and has shown up at a worksite with a gun, than from someone who has a long-term mental illness.

Emotional problems in someone who has not been identified as having a serious and persistent meant illness are the larger threat. It is easy to see in retrospect that there “had to be” something wrong with the person who came to a school with a gun. But if you follow all the people who are diagnosed with schizophrenia, for example, very few of them ever get a gun and shoot up someplace.

Parents and gun violence.

Gun violence at schools and public sites is a huge problem. We need to do something about this. but for the record, for every child killed at a school site by a gunman, 25 to 50 children will be shot and killed at home by a biological parent with a gun. The cure seems simple. Do not let bio parents raise children or own guns. See how simple solutions turn into complex problems and do not always work the way they were intended?

There have been a lot of theories, most of them very simplistic, over the years about the causes of mental illness. Some people continue to cling to the over-simplistic views despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. But then the flat earth society and those who doubt that some form of evolution has occurred are also still in existence.

In this post let’s look at some of the things that have been suggested as causes for mental illness in a necessarily oversimplified way.

First, the things we now doubt are true about or are not causes of mental illness.

1. Are there are two kinds of people, normal and the mentally ill?

We used to separate emotional problems into two categories, Neurosis and Psychosis. That was it. So people were seen as having a psychosis, they were in effect “crazy” or they had neurosis, problems of living that might respond to talk therapy.

The more this has been studied the less reliable it has become. First, we found that there were people who sort-of had both. They got the label of “Borderlines” then we found there were a whole lot of different kinds of neurosis, like anxiety and depression and OCD. And people with psychosis can also get depressed. You can have two or more problems.

From that two problem view, we continued to study symptoms and the result in the DSM-4 was over 400 recognized mental illnesses.  Even more, possibly another 400 disorders were proposed (the DSM-5 was supposed to simplify this but we still know way less than we would like.) Today we are seeing that some of this splitting up is the result of people moving on a continuum from one level of symptoms to another. People’s illnesses can change over time and they can have more than one illness.

2. For a while we blamed the victim, some people still do.

There was that belief that mental illness was from God or the gods. Some thought that God had caused the mental illness as a punishment for the person’s sins, or the sins of the father or grandfather.

There are still people who take this approach, avoiding the mentally ill or insisting that they should just snap out of it as if being ill was a choice.

We do know that this fallacy like every good lie has some grains of truth embedded in it.

Parents provide both the environment and the heredity. Some life events, like age and use of drugs or alcohol, may increase the risk of a gene mutation. But a risk factor is not a cause, and so we find that some very poor home environments produce some mentally healthy people while “normal” homes produce some very dysfunctional people.

More on the environment versus heredity issues to come.

If the problem is that God is punishing this person somehow then the cure should be a religious conversion. The prescription for mental illness used to be, and in some circles still is, prayer, fasting, self-control or self-abuse, and the like.

Some of the evidence to challenge the “its Gods will” concept of mental illnesses comes from the sudden miraculous improvement in some mental illnesses that medication produces; that and the cases where a person lives a good part of life, often in a “Godly way,” and is suddenly struck by a mental illness. Some of these appear to be the result of the changes our bodies undergo as we age.

3. People said, “It is the mother’s fault.” Occasionally this is read “it is the father’s fault.”

This was popular for a while under the guise that the cause of psychosis was “refrigerator mothers.” We found that there was some truth to emotional problems that resulted from early life experience; we now refer to this as attachment theory.

The idea that a lack of love or poor mothering skills was primarily the cause of serious mental illness has been largely discarded. We now think that there is such a thing as “good enough” parenting. Do a halfway good job and your child should turn out fine. Abuse or neglect can increase the risk of mental or emotional problems but risk is not result.

One new area of study is the role of “complex trauma.” A number of traumas or ongoing trauma change the brain in ways that are different from what we were looking for in the past. This complex trauma can cause more problems than the sum of its parts.  More on Complex Trauma in some upcoming posts.

4. It is just the way they are

There was a school of thought, back when the psychologists seem to offer us answers to all these issues, that mental illness was the result of “personality factors.” Again some truth here, but in my view, not nearly the whole story.

Some children are born “fussy” they are hard to soothe, cry a lot, and get on their parent’s nerves. Those kids may have a fussy temperament or they may have a physical illness. Either way, fussy kids get less care or upset the parents. Maybe the stressed parents yell at the child more. Their life experiences are different from the “naturally happy child.”

Personality can and does change over the lifetime. We can debate how much or why but the fussy child may grow into a contented child and the good child may at the onset of puberty suddenly become the problem child.

All these factors, to me, argue against the idea that mental illness is caused solely by personality.  It points in the direction of gene expression, genes act differently at different points in our lifetime. It also points out the ability of all of us to learn from life and as a result our personality shifts.

Sorry, this ran long. More on the causes and by implication the cures for our mental emotional and behavioral illnesses in some upcoming posts.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why people avoid the doctor and the therapist

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

What are your reasons for avoiding getting your problems treated?

Therapist

Therapist.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The scenario is the same only the problems and the treating professional change. You have a problem, a sore that does not heal, a physical or emotional pain that won’t go away, or a troubled relationship, but you avoid getting help.

Why do people so often avoid treatment for a problem?

We see a lot of couples who come for marriage counseling, they have talked about seeing a counselor off and on for a long time. Now when they come to our offices one or both have decided it is over, past the point of repair. They say they can’t stand the pain one day longer.

Why have they waited so long? What made them think they needed to endure that pain at all? Here are some of the faulty beliefs that cause people to avoid therapy.

Talking about problems will make them worse.

Despite this fear’s prevalence, there are plenty of reasons to think just the opposite. Problems caught in the early stage may need small corrections; wait too long and they need major changes.

Admitting you have problems or challenges does not mean giving in to them. Recognizing your challenges gives you something you can work on to improve your life.

Asking for help means I am weak.

It is easy to delude yourself, think you are, or should be superman or superwoman, able to handle everything by yourself. That is just not the way life works. Even experts consult with other experts. Two heads are better than one. Recovering people have sponsors, and in the sphere of emotional problems, counselors and therapists frequently see other professionals when they experience life problems.

People will think I am crazy or incompetent if I go for help.

No one should think that, especially not the therapist.

First off, therapy is confidential. Your counselor is not going to tell and you have the choice of telling or not telling your family and friends.

We all have times in our lives when we need to see a professional or specialist. You see a mechanic for your car repair and you see a lawyer if you have legal issues. Hopefully, you saw one or more teachers that taught you how to read.

Some people are able to do some of these things for themselves, but not many people are doctors, lawyers, and tax accountants. Everyone needs some advice now and then.

Counselors can do several things that are helpful, Give you perspective, no you are not crazy, lots of people in your circumstance would have that issue. They also can help you learn the skills you need to manage or regulate emotions.

Lots of people spend their whole life working at jobs they hate or that are low paying because they did not use the services of a career counselor to help them plan the right career for them.

People also do not seem to come in to learn how to be good parents or good spouses. They do however see their therapist when the child has problems or the marriage is in trouble.

A little early skills training or education can help you reduce life problems or navigate the things that will come along in any life.

Once I lose control, start crying or get angry I will never be able to stop.

This idea is simply not true. Given enough time people regain control. People cry and then they get “cried out” we laugh and then the laughter fades. The problem is not that a feeling will take control of you and you will never return. The issue is that you need to learn to regulate your feelings.

Regulate does not mean destroy them or eradicate them. It means learning to be able to control them, work with them, learn from them, and play with them.

Want proof that you will not be transported to crazyland if you start to cry?

Create some crying time!

Have some sadness you are afraid will overwhelm you? Set aside a time each day, 15 to 30 minutes. At this same time, each day go in a room by yourself and set a timer. For the entire time cry nonstop. Cry as hard as you can. Get that crying out!

What people find is that they are usually not able to keep up the crying for the full-time. They just do not have 30 minutes’ worth of tears in them every day, especially not every day for a week or a month.

You will also find that if you can make yourself cry on schedule, then you will be able to make yourself not cry when you want to do that.

Practice crying when you want to and not crying when you wish to not cry and you will have gone a long way towards learning to “regulate” your emotions.

If you find that regulating emotions is a special challenge for you, this does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It means that there is a skill, “Emotional Regulations Skill” that you still need to learn. A therapist, especially one trained in DBT, can help you learn to regulate your emotions.

For more on “behavioral experiments” like crying at will see the work of Milton Erickson.

I won’t be able to take the pain.

People sometimes think that if they talk about their pain then they will not be able to bear it. You will be able to take the pain of treatment a whole lot better than the pain of staying ill.

One place this fear comes from is the image of the old psychoanalyst making you go through all the sordid details of your life.

While I may be old, I do not think we need to dig up the whole garden of your life to find the weeds that are causing your pain today. A good therapist can help you work on the problem that brought you into treatment and then if you decide you can move on to working on past issues.

Working on our issues may be painful at times but once you face your demons and learn the skills to tame them they shrink like scared little kids.

The Therapist will spill my secrets.

Not likely to happen. Therapists and most counselors have a requirement to keep your secrets, that comes close to that old religious practice of things told under the seal of the confessional is not repeated by the priest.

The law protects most client-therapist conversations. The counselor can lose their license for telling even if you committed a crime.

I have written a lot of posts about what things the counselor must report (If you are suicidal, homicidal, or talk about abuse of a child, elderly person, or disabled person.)

If you have specific concerns look at those posts and if in doubt ask the counselor to tell you about confidentiality before you tell them your secrets.

They will think I am crazy and lock me up.

Extremely, I repeat an extremely low chance of this. See this post: Will they lock me up?

For more on these “therapy interfering beliefs” See the writings of the following: Aaron Beck, Judith Beck, Marsha Linehan, and Milton Erickson, to whom I am indebted for much of the inspiration for this post. Let’s hope I have not distorted their views in the retelling.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The Blue Jay Mind – Do you have Mind Chatter

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Blue Jay.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you have a Blue Jay Mind? Is your mind on overload?

Does your mind feel like it is full? Is your brain always rushing somewhere? Do you sometimes feel like your mind is having a traffic jam?

Have you ever sat outside, a park or the lake, when a flock of Blue Jays or other loud birds had a constant chattering conversation? Does your own mind sound like that sometimes? In meditation, they refer to this as a monkey mind. But we North Americans we don’t see monkeys except in the zoo.

Flocks of loud obnoxious birds; that we see a lot of.

Some days my mind sounds like that squabbling in the tree outside my window.

You know you are not fully crazy; these are not voices in your head. These things that overwhelm you are your own thoughts, but that does not make it any easier to keep that mind of yours under control.

An unquiet mind is an unruly companion.

Some days my brain is just plain full. Is yours? I tell people around me not to tell me one more thing that I need to remember. I say, only half-joking, that if I learn one more thing I will need to forget something I used to know and I am afraid that trying to remember what they are telling me may mean I will forget how to get home tonight.

Do you reach the point of cognitive overload and find that you are working harder and harder to remember less and less? You may be getting old; you may be losing some abilities. If so see your doctor.

There is a simpler explanation.

We only have so many cognitive resources at our command. My computer has just so much storage space and so does my mind.

What we all need to do is reserve some space in our heads for the things that really matter. Learn to simplify our minds and reduce our worries. Less stuff rattling around in our brains results in more calmness, more serenity.

The difficult part of this is to get your mind slowed down and cleared out when you need to. We all can become so accustomed to thinking, thinking, always thinking that for many people it is difficult to shut that mind off when the times come to give your mind a rest.

Some people find mindfulness and meditation training to be helpful to get that mind quiet. Other people need counseling or even medication.

If your mind is constantly racing, if your head is full of noise and most of it is your own thoughts seek help. Just listening to your own thoughts day after day can wear you out.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

That’s not what’s wrong with you!

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Problem and problem solving

Problem-solving.

Are you sure you really know what your problem is?

There has been a disturbing trend lately in the psychotherapy business. To hear some of my colleagues talk, clients do not have a clue what is wrong with them. Worse than that, if the client did know, they are convinced the client would lie to them.

I have to question these premises. First, some fictional examples may help.

A male client goes to see their therapist. The man says he and his wife are quarreling and he is afraid their marriage will end in divorce. The therapist does a full assessment and informs the client that his problem is not his relationship. His problem is he did not have a good attachment to his mother. He needs to work through all his childhood issues of wanting more from his mother than she gave him.

The client, not conscious of psychological principles, continues to insist that he and his mother got along just fine. The client says that it is possible that all men have mother issues they need to work out before they can properly relate to a woman. What does he know about psychological principles?

So the man undergoes a long examination of his childhood and his relationship with his mother. At the end, he sees how he was not really as close to his mother as he thought.

In the meantime, his wife leaves him and files for divorce. As much as it pains this man to lose the relationship with a woman he really loves and he is also sad about losing contact with his children because the wife has moved them to another state where she lives with her parents.

Still, the man now understands how his underdeveloped relationship with his mother has resulted in his attachment issues with women and he now understands why he will never be able to make a woman happy.

Sound far-fetched? I see things like this more often than you might guess.

Second example. A woman comes to see her therapist because she has been out of work for many months. She is discouraged and getting depressed because of her employment situation and her economic troubles. I am thinking either treatment for depression or help with career counseling, but the treating therapist tells me that would be wrong.

The problem here is that this client grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. This has left all sorts of scars on the client and the client undergoes treatment for her anger towards that alcoholic parent. The client insists that she got over that stuff a long time ago but the therapist informs this client that she is sicker than she thinks and that she will never be happy again until she gets these childhood issues treated.

The client talks with this therapist for a number of sessions, still unconvinced that she has all that big a problem with her childhood. Eventually, the therapist tells the client that this client needs to stop lying about her hatred towards her father.

Clearly, anyone who grew up with an alcoholic parent has been scarred for life and will probably never be able to work again

By the way, these are fictional composite examples so do not go thinking you know the people I am talking about. You would be wrong.

Counter-transference.

The problems these vignettes illustrate are a phenomenon known as counter-transference. The counselor who has had issues in their childhood, or has others in their life with these issues, is insistent that the client must have the issues that the counselor sees and if the client disagrees then the counselor believes the client is lying.

It can also come from a theoretical orientation that asserts that all adult problems are the result of childhood events.

A more productive approach is for the treating professional to consider that some people who had mother problems or an alcoholic parent may be having problems today because of that past, but most people really have the problem they say they have.

I try, in my practice, to always accept that the problem is what the client says the problem is. This can save a lot of time by working on that issue first and then get back to the other stuff if that still needs doing.

I also find that it saves a lot of my time and the client’s time to avoid arguing with the client. If they tell me things I take it that they believe what they are telling me. They may be mistaken but most people really do believe what they are saying.

Certainly, there are times that clients might stretch the truth. Especially if they have something to gain, like child custody or disability. In those cases, where my results will go to another person or agency I ask a lot more questions. But if the purpose of the therapy is to help the client resolve issues or cope with life problems I find it is worth the effort to start from a place of believing the client.

Most of the time the problem that needs treating is the thing the client says brought them to my office in the first place. If your provider is insistent on treating you for their issue instead of yours consider getting a second opinion.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Tranquility

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Tranquility:

free of any disturbance or commotion, free from or showing no signs of anxiety or agitation.

“A lonely day is God’s way of saying that he wants to spend some quality time with you.”
― Criss Jami

“We are not going to change the whole world, but we can change ourselves and feel free as birds. We can be serene even in the midst of calamities and, by our serenity, make others more tranquil. Serenity is contagious. If we smile at someone, he or she will smile back. And a smile costs nothing. We should plague everyone with joy. If we are to die in a minute, why not die happily, laughing? (136-137)”
― Swami Satchidananda, The Yoga Sutras

“Our life depends on the kind of thoughts we nurture. If our thoughts are peaceful, calm, meek, and kind, then that is what our life is like. If our attention is turned to the circumstances in which we live, we are drawn into a whirlpool of thoughts and can have neither peace nor tranquility.”
― Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica, Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives: The Life and Teachings of Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica

“The very secret of life for me, I believed, was to maintain in the midst of rushing events an inner tranquility.”
― Margaret Bourke-White, Portrait of Myself

Quotes from GoodReads 

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings, and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at http://www.counselorfresno.com/recommended-books/

If you would like to stay connected to the posts on counselors soapbox, hear about the progress of my book in progress or the flow of the conversation about mental health and substance abuse issues – please subscribe or follow counselors soapbox.

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What is secondary trauma?

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Injury

Trauma.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Can you be traumatized by something that did not happen to you?

Secondary trauma.

Secondary trauma is the traumatic result of watching someone else be injured or their life threatened.  It is just as real as if the incident happened to you and can last long after the incident is over.

One place where we saw a lot of secondary trauma, this might also go by the name of vicarious trauma, were the incidents of September 11th. Children who watched the planes fly into the towers over and over on Television became frightened even though the events were thousands of miles away. They believed, because of the repeated showings, that thousands of planes were hitting thousands of buildings and that any moment the planes might hit buildings in their neighborhood.

This points out that events do not need to happen to you to be traumatic.  Watching a close family member be injured or killed can be as traumatic as if it happened to you. One reason there seems to be more Post-traumatic Stress Disorder among military veterans is the number of horrific incidents they witness during a tour of duty.

Watching others you are close to being killed or injured has a traumatic effect on you even if you are far enough away to escape injury.

Humans are endowed with very vivid imaginations. This raises the question can people be traumatized by fictional things, things that never happened?

As we grow older our ability to distinguish reality from fiction should improve. Young children are not always able to tell the difference. Plenty of children develop fears, night terrors or long-term phobias because adults watch horror or other graphic entertainment. They allow the kids to watch along with them since the adults are not overly frightened they expect the child to be able to understand the difference.

Unfortunately many young children these days are not able to tell the real from the imaginary especially in video format where great effort has been expended to make the horror as realistic as possible.

So whether the trauma was real or imagined, whether it happened to you or someone you know and care about, those traumas can and do traumatize people. We call this trauma, secondary traumatization because the victim of the physical attack may not be the person who suffers the most or the longest.

If you have been traumatized by watching someone else be harmed, there is help available. If your child develops fears or phobias after watching a video, talk with them about reality and fiction. If the problems continue, get professional help.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Systematic desensitization – conquering fear.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anxiety provoking.

Fear and Anxiety.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Anxiety can be a stubborn foe.

It is tempting to avoid the things you fear and to find ways to numb those unpleasant feelings. Some people use alcohol or sleeping pills other people use avoidance. But eventually, you have to face that fear or be taken prisoner by your fear.

You can’t get over something you don’t face. Sometimes the only way out of a burning building is through the door that is on fire. To begin with, we won’t ask you to walk through the flames, just to look at the door and see how your fear that it might be on fire on the other side is keeping you a prisoner in that room.

Systematic desensitization reduces the impact of fears.

One way of domesticating the anxiety monster is a technique called systematic desensitization. This is an especially effective technique for taming fears or anxiety when those anxieties are a fear of one very specific thing.

Some of these item fears are so specific we name them Specific Phobias. Meaning you are deathly afraid of one particular thing even if you are never around that thing.

Some of these specific phobias are so terrifying to the people with that particular specific phobia that I can’t even write the word out or they would stop reading. So let’s start with an exaggerated and somewhat humors example of how this specific desensitization could work.

Say there is this person that is deathly afraid of crackers. (The little packaged edible kind.)

If you know who I am talking about here please do not let on. That person’s family laughed at him.  But try as he would he just could not bear to eat at a table where there were crackers. Eventually, this got so bad that I – I mean he – could not eat with his family when they were having soup for fear there would be crackers present.

This fear became progressively worse. Soon eating out was impossible because there might be crackers all around. Eventually, even commercials for crackers or the mention of the word might provoke a panic attack. Something needed to be done.

The cure for cracker or saltine phobia? Systematic desensitization.

So off to the therapist this sufferer from cracker phobia went. Here are the steps in recovery from cracker phobia.

First, you need to be willing to talk about this fear and develop a scale of fear. Something like if we just talk about that fear I – I mean he – had by referring to this as the fear of “You know what.” That would be a 1 on the fear scale.

Actually using the name “Cracker” that scored a two. To see a picture of some crackers in a magazine that would rate a fear factor of 4. Entering at a restaurant where there might or might not be crackers present, that was a 5. Seeing actual crackers, that would be a 6, and witnessing someone eat one that would rank an 8. To have to physically touch a cracker that would rank a 9. To personally eat a cracker that would rate a 10.

Now having developed our scale we would begin to work our way up the scale all the while with the therapist reassuring the client.

Along the way, the therapist might teach the client some relaxation techniques, deep breathing, and so on. The theory here is that you can’t really feel two contradictory feelings at the same time. The more you concentrate on your relaxation the more likely you are for the fear, or anxiety if you prefer, to subside.

So over time, the exposure to the dreaded crackers becomes more and more frequent and closer, all the while practicing the relaxation skills.

At the end of treatment, the goal would be for the client to actually open a package of crackers and to eat one while the counselor watched.

Now neither I nor anyone I know has really suffered from a cracker phobia. This cracker fear has been a long time joke in the family. But I hope this has demonstrated how a counselor could help a client overcome a specific phobia that may sound funny to the client’s family and friends but has been causing the client some very real distress.

What are some of the specific phobias that this method is known to work on? Well the number one fear in America, more severe than the fear of death, is the fear of public speaking. Also up there on the list are phobias to snakes and spiders.

Fear of snakes is no big thing for most city dwellers, but if you needed to live and work outdoors this could be a trial. If you worked at the zoo in the reptile house, a fear of snakes could cost you your job.

So whatever your fear or specific phobia there are treatments to help you turn that anxiety or fear control back down to a manageable setting.

Similar to systematic desensitization, at least in my book, is the use of exposure and response prevention. People with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) develop rituals or routines that they feel the need to perform to reduce the anxiety. If we can expose the person to the thing that they fear and prevent the ritual, then over time the fear diminishes. Combine some relaxation techniques with the exposure and response prevention and you move close to the systematic desensitization approach.

Best wishes on taming those pesky excessive anxiety and fear monsters.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Anxiety is a good thing

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anxiety provoking.

Anxiety.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Some anxiety is a good thing.

A little anxiety some of the time may be helpful. It is only when the volume on your anxiety control gets turned up too loud that it becomes a problem.

Dictionary definitions of anxiety include such things as nervousness about something that is going to happen and something that causes you to worry.

In these troubled economic times, worry about your job and job security makes sense, especially if you work in an industry or company that has been having economic difficulties. Even those government jobs that used to be the height of security don’t seem immune from danger these days.

But if you spend needless hours in worry that you might get laid off or fired when there is no basis in fact for that worry, then your anxiety control might have its volume turned up too high.

Anxiety can protect you.

Some anxiety is actually protective – if and only if, you are in a dangerous situation that warrants that anxiety. This is another case of a little is good and too much is harmful. The challenge is in knowing which is which. If you see someone with a gun shooting, it is wise to be nervous, even scared, and to duck behind something for cover.

Anxiety can help you avoid risks and in certain situations, like when someone is shooting at you, that anxiety might save your life.

Anxiety can take control of you.

If when sitting at home on your couch you hear the noise from a car door slamming a block away and you jump behind the couch to take cover, this level of anxiety is a problem.

People become anxious in dangerous situations for a reason. If the stress they are under triggers an excessive response that may be an “Acute Stress Disorder” but if those over-reactions to past stress continue long enough, they can morph into something more serious. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is just such a problem.

This was first recognized in servicemen returning from the war and the hallmarks are intrusive thoughts of what happened in the past that are still interfering with your life today and recurrent nightmares that involve memories of things that happened to you in the past or efforts for you to avoid those situations. We now realize that these problems also are prevalent in children and adults who have been abused or molested.

Disrupted sleep from nightmares about past anxiety-producing situations predicts that you will have mental health symptoms in the future. IRT can help reduce nightmares. 

Treating PTSD is a complex subject. There are many theories but the research is less than convincing. What I feel fairly sure about is that taking sleeping pills or drinking alcohol are not a good solution. If you have intrusive thoughts or nightmares you need some counseling to get this under control.

Running and hiding from our fears gives them extra chances to grow.

But what if you do not have a case of PTSD but your anxiety is off the hook? Do your friends tell you that you are an overly anxious person? Do you sometimes think that you are just too scared and worried?

If your anxiety volume control is just turned up too high, if the affairs of everyday living are making you want to crawl out of your skin, then you need treatment.

What kind of treatment? Well, there are several, but one, systematic desensitization is especially helpful if you have fears that do not make sense to others but you find are interfering with your life.

Too much anxiety? Try some systematic desensitization (done with a therapist or counselor) and see if you can’t get that anxiety volume turned back down.

In tomorrow’s post, we will talk about systematic desensitization.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why apologies can make things worse

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Apology – I’m sorry.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sometimes an apology makes things worse.

Do you feel you need to apologize?

People in recovery often feel they need to make apologies to others. Occasionally they do need to make them, but much of the time people in early recovery find that trying to apologize makes things worse rather than better.

People who have been drinking and drugging have done some things they should not have done. People in recovery from other mental illnesses often have been unable to do things they should have done. In both cases, it is natural to want to repair the relationship and to think that an apology is in order.

The expectation of many recovering people is that making an apology should mean that the other person forgives them and then everything is all right. They want the relationship to be a good one, even when it never was good, to begin with.

Apologies frequently do not produce the result you expect.

The person to whom you think you owe that apology, they may well still be holding resentment towards you. Your saying you are sorry may not be followed by an “I forgive you and everything is now fine” response from them. Some people need to hang on to their resentments to protect themselves from being hurt again.

What oft-times happens is that the other person takes this opportunity to let you have it. They tell you in most certain terms how badly you harmed them and how mad they continue to be. They may want you to feel their pain by hurting you back, they may just need to be heard and as a result, can’t hear you.

At this point, the recovering person, now surprised that the other person is not accepting their apology, becomes upset, angry and a new fight begins. The effort to repair the relationship breach has resulted in a new conflict and this has happened well along in your efforts to stay clean sober or otherwise recover.

What went wrong with your apology?

Most of the people in a recovering person’s life have heard it all before. You have said you were sorry and then you did it again. Or for some, they have said they would do things and then because of their illness were not able to do those things. The others in your life felt let down if not downright lied to.

If you really would like to repair the damage from the past and mend relationships and apologizing might make things worse – what should you do?

Don’t apologize – take action.

Rather than apologizing you need to do something. Take action and show that person rather than telling them how you are different. Talk is cheap but action speaks so loudly words get drowned out.

Make amends.

The idea of amends comes from 12 step groups. The principle is that rather than saying you are sorry but doing nothing, you need to do things to set the relationship right. If you were not able to do things in your relationship in the past begin as soon as you are able to meet those role expectations.

If you never were able to clean up after yourself, begin as much as you can to pick up and put away the things you use.

Do not get carried away and set yourself up for failure. Do not try to wash every dirty item in the house on the first day. But do gradually begin to take the steps you need to do to be of service to the others in your life.

If you treated others poorly, were over critical, or always angry, try to be happy, helpful, and pleasant to be around.

Over time the changes others see in your will speak volumes about the kind of person you are becoming in recovery and this may be a better apology than any words you could say.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are the things you do chores or choices?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

worker resting

Work.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you work all day and then come home to a load of chores?

How many of the things you tell yourself you need to do are really things you chose to do? Clients who complain about stress in their lives customarily tell me they have so much to do and so little time to get it done.

They also often complain that they get no help from family or co-workers and that they end up having to do everything themselves.

One justification for this “I need to do everything and no one helps me” syndrome is that old saw if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.

How many of these things you tell yourself each day you absolutely have to do are things you are really choosing to do?

The same task can be a burden or a joy depending on the way you view it.

The continuing water shortage here in the West has pointed out this conflict. There have been T. V. ads encouraging people to put in gardens of natural plants, plants that need less water. The goal is to reduce the use of water but in the process, the plants grow more slowly, need less pruning and a yard of native plants never needs mowing.

Any casual drive through the neighborhoods on weekend mornings or after work reveals lots of people out watering and mowing laws. Many of those folks complain about how much yard work they have to do all the while making maintenance of their yards a priority.

Personally, I have never been a big fan of green lawns, but when you live in the city you have to go along to get along. Those of you from the country, you just plow that stuff under a few times a year and let it go at that.

Priorities change in retirement.

These same folks in the counseling room sometimes tell me they are planning their retirement. What do you want to do when you retire? I ask. They tell me they think they will take up gardening or a cooking class.

Those same tasks that were a chore in the past now become a choice.

When the yard work gets really overwhelming, some people turn to paying others to do their lawn. There is some merit in creating employment for others in our community. But having turned their household chores over to others those folks find they need to get more exercise so they take up walking and join a gym.

You see this same phenomenon at the gym. People drive all around the parking lot looking for a close parking spot. Sometimes they get really upset and irritated if someone cut them off from that spot right by the door.

Then once in the gym, they scrabble for a treadmill so they can do some vigorous walking.

Do you feel stressed out over cooking the evening meal despite your thoughts that you would like to spend more time becoming a great cook? Preparing a meal can be an unpleasant task or an adventure.

The difference is not in the activity but in the attitude.

So when you say you are stressed, consider how many of the things you feel stressed about which are in fact choices you make to continue to do things. Your stress may well be coming from your attitude that you have to do these things rather than that you choose to do them.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel