Increase your self-esteem by liking you.

By David Joel Miller.

Raise your self-esteem by learning to like yourself.

Self-confident people

Being self-confident.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The person whose evaluation of you is most likely to affect your self-esteem is yourself. Part of building up your self-confidence is to become your own best friend. If you wouldn’t want to spend time with you, your attitude makes it hard for others to enjoy your company. Work on feeling good about yourself by liking yourself more.

Here are some ways to like yourself better.

Increase self-esteem by silencing Mr. Negativity.

It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you’re constantly being put down. Don’t be the one criticizing yourself. The words you say to yourself are powerful. Stop calling yourself names. Stop beating yourself up. When Mr. negativity whispers in your ear, tell him to be quiet. Don’t allow negative thoughts about yourself to take root in your mind and grow.

Set clear goals for your life.

It’s difficult to get anywhere when you don’t know your destination. Set clear goals, ones that have measurable results. Make sure these goals are doable. Avoid goals like I’m going to lose 50 pounds. When you don’t lose the weight as quickly as you planned, it is easy to get discouraged. Tell yourself you will begin exercising 10 minutes a day.

Break goals up into chunks. Pay off an extra $10 a month on your credit card. Go back to school and take one course. Do all the small chunks, and over time you can accomplish great things.

Make your self-care a priority.

If you don’t take care of yourself who will? Eat a healthy diet. Get plenty of rest. Include time in your schedule for relaxation and to socialize the positive people. When you value something, you take care of it. Show yourself and others how much you value yourself. Demonstrate yourself commitment by good self-care.

Insist on being treated respectfully.

Respect yourself and expect others to respect you. Give others the sort of respect you would want. Set boundaries on what you will accept and stick to them. When they don’t set boundaries, you lose yourself. While you may not be able to control what others say to you, it is in your power to stop being around people who disrespect you.

Your opinion about you matters the most.

Stop living your life by other people’s opinion. Do the things that make you happy and please you. Stop grading or evaluating yourself and accept you just the way you are. Do the best you can. Stop trying to be perfect and embrace your imperfections. Don’t let others opinion of you pull you down.

Make meeting your needs a priority.

Don’t get so busy doing for others that you fail to make meeting your needs a priority. If you respected someone, you would treat them well. If you want to have self-respect, treat yourself as if you deserve to be treated well, and then live up to that standard.

Let negative things go.

As much as is possible, leave the past in the past. Don’t be ashamed of what has happened; your past has made you who you are today. Don’t hold onto resentments. Live in the present. Holding on to the pain of the past maintains the pain in the present.

Expect things to get better.

Having a positive view of the future conveys the feeling that you believe things can get better. Work on growing your hope. If you find you are short on hope seek out supportive people who have hope for you. What you look for you will see. If you are constantly expecting something to go wrong, the smallest obstacle can ruin your whole day. When you encounter an obstacle, keep your eyes on the goal. Climb over that obstacle, go around it, but whatever you do don’t sit down and spend time with that obstacle.

Grow a positive support system.

Add to the positive people in your life. Everyone needs a support system. Some supporters will be friends, some family, and some people who were part of your support system will be professionals. Don’t expect any one person to meet all your needs. People who feel good about themselves have many relationships with others that make them feel good.

Live in the present, while growing towards the future.

Brooding over the past keeps you stuck. Worrying about the future will make you frightened and anxious. Living each day minute by minute can help you to feel competent.

Focus on the positive.

Whatever you look for you will find. People who look for and expect the negative find problems everywhere. Become a positive happiness expert. If you look, all around you good things may be happening unnoticed. Incorporate some of those positive events in your life.

Know when to cut people and things out of your life.

A healthy environment means getting rid of the garbage. There are things in your life that are no longer useful or helpful, start cleaning them out. If you spend all your time with negative people, you will have no time to make positive friends.

Be constantly learning new things.

Be curious, learn all you can. The more you learn, the more you know, the better you will feel about yourself. Pursue the things that interest you. Approach each day as a gift. Expect to find something good in each present.

Make your life an adventure.

You only get one life. It can be boring, or it can be exciting. Within your comfort zone, experience all the new adventures you can. Keep putting pressure on that comfort zone, and it will expand. If each day, week, and year, you do new things, your comfort zone will expand tremendously, and you will be able to look back and all the wonderful experiences you’ve had.

In what ways, will you go about enlarging your self-esteem this week?

Want to sign up for my mailing list?

Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings, and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books

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Reasons they don’t like you.

By David Joel Miller.

What you are doing to drive people away and how to fix it.

They don't like you.

Why they don’t like you!
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

You find it hard to make friends and harder still to keep them. Does it often feel like people around you don’t like you? Chances you are doing things, and more importantly, you are thinking things, that are making it hard for others to like you. One big reason you may be feeling rejected is that you have been rejecting yourself.

If you don’t like yourself, you make it hard for others to like you. Are your insecurities getting in the way of having good relationships? People who are insecure often adopt negative behavior patterns to protect themselves from rejection by others. Some of the things you have been doing to try to make yourself feel more self-confident may be making you hard to be around.

Being arrogant drives people away.

The definition of arrogant is to have an exaggerated belief in your own importance and abilities. If you find you need to brag about everything you do, puff yourself up, to get other people to notice you, they may perceive you as arrogant. Arrogant people are conceited, afraid to admit when they made a mistake and are very egotistical.

The solution to being perceived as arrogant is to be humbler. Being humble does not mean low self-esteem. It means thinking and treating others as your equal. Respecting other people’s opinions and being willing to ask them for help when you need it.

Selfish, self-centered people are hard to like.

Taking good care of yourself is not the same things being selfish. Selfish people are concerned only about themselves. They lack concern or even consideration for others feelings and needs.

The cure for being selfish is to work on the ability to genuinely care about others.

Are you always negative?

Negative people are a real downer. We all understand that our family or friends may have difficult times. We want to be there for them through those challenges. But if you’re one of those people who sees everything and everyone as bad and worthless, your constant negativity will drive people away.

People who can see the good in others are enjoyable to be around. If you would like to have more friends you need to practice your ability to see the good in others. It’s often easy to see the mistakes others make, but a focus on those mistakes eliminate your ability to ever see the good that anyone has done. The cure for negativity? Become a positivity expert!

Are you an emotional vampire?

Some people practice the skill of sucking all the joy out of the room. If spending time with you wears people out and they feel like you’re sapping their energy, they will stop coming around.

Practice enthusiasm and you will feel more energized. Enthusiasm is contagious, and people like to be around people who enjoy being around them.

It’s hard to care about people who are apathetic.

If you do the minimum to get by, people are likely to pass you by. If you don’t care about the things you’re doing, start doing something differently. It’s fun to be around people who love what they’re doing. Being around people who just don’t care is likely to make you not care.

If other people are seeing you as apathetic, maybe even lazy, find some goals you can be passionate about.

People who are no fun are hard to like.

If you take everything in life deadly serious, people will only be able to take you in small doses. It’s easiest to make friends with people who are fun to be around. Take the serious stuff seriously. But there are a great many things in life every day that are not a matter of life and death. Learn to enjoy what you do and do what you enjoy, and people will be attracted to you.

Want to be that fun person to be around? Learn to play more.

Rigid, defensive people create resistance.

If you are set in your ways, expect other people to take a different path. If you are defensive, people will begin to feel self-protective around you. They are walking on eggshells. Having to constantly worry that you will say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and upset someone is a difficult situation. If you are not able to give as well as take, people will avoid you.

People who are flexible and accepting are easier to like. Work on being more open to alternatives. When you meet people, who are different from you, view this is an opportunity to learn from them.

Look at yourself and your personality. If any of these characteristics of unlikable people fit you, consider this an improvement opportunity. Learning to be a likable person is an opportunity for personal growth. The more likable you become, the more you will discover you like yourself. Practicing likability is a great way to improve your self-esteem.

Want to sign up for my mailing list?

Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books

13 Life beliefs that destroy self-confidence.

By David Joel Miller.

Are your beliefs about life undermining your self-confidence?

believing in self

Building Self Confidence
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The beliefs you have about things have a powerful impact on what you feel and what happens.  Believe you can’t do some things and the odds are you won’t be able to do them. Most people have a few unhelpful beliefs about life. Those beliefs create the feelings you have when you encounter an obstacle in life. Feelings result in doing or not doing things. The wrong beliefs can destroy your self-confidence and turn a possible success into a dire failure. How many of these self-confidence destroying beliefs are you holding onto?

1. You need to be better than others to be OK.

The belief that others are allowed to make mistakes but you will need to be perfect to be acceptable results in low self-esteem, reduced confidence in your abilities and ultimately undermines your efforts to do things that could create a better life.

Do you always compare up? Come in second in the Olympics and you could easily compare yourself to the person who is first. That you had to beat hundreds, thousands, of other competitors to reach this level in the first place is something you lose sight of.

2. You need to obsess about what others think and do.

Other people’s opinions, particularly about you, are none of your business. Staying focused on others takes the focus off what you are doing. Concentrate on being the best person you can be. Take your game to the next level and you will find that where others are, does not matter.

3. You need attention to feel good about yourself?

Attention, like popularity, is fleeting. You have it one moment and the next it is gone. People who feel good about themselves work for their own approval not the applause of others. Like what you do and then the applause is a bonus, not the whole salary you will reserve for what you do.

4. Doing things for others means they are taking advantage of you.

If you feel taken advantage of stop doing that. Do good because it feels good to help others. If you do for others expecting their gratitude and thanks you will always end up feeling cheated. Do good because it makes you feel good to do it and no one can’t take that reward away from you.

5. Your accomplishments don’t matter.

Discounting your accomplishments tosses your self-confidence away. When you do something well do you tell yourself and others that it was no big deal? Do you think to yourself you should have done more, done it better and faster? Discounting your own accomplishments always leaves you short on the self-confidence end.

It is OK to accept compliments. Dismissing them devalues the person who has paid you that compliment. Accept compliments graciously and give yourself acknowledgment for things well done. The person you most need to have notice when you have done something well is you.

6. Everyone is your enemy. Do you think people are against you?

The belief that everyone is out to get you is guaranteed to destroy your self-confidence. What you are probably missing is that you are really not that important to others. They are mostly thinking about themselves. The only time’s people are jealous of you or out to get you is when you are way out front doing everything better than they are, or when you step on their toes in the process.  If you do well there will be people who criticize you. If no one says anything bad about you then you probably haven’t done much.

7. Everything you do is deadly seriously.

Do you take yourself too seriously? Taking yourself too seriously magnifies your errors and minimizes your successes. Learn to enjoy life. Remember no one gets out of this alive so you can be miserable or you can enjoy the journey. The choice is up to you.

8. You can’t admit you made a mistake.

Accept that you are less than perfect. Trying to pretend that you never make a mistake takes its toll. If you say that you are lying. If you believe you never make a mistake you are lying to yourself. Get honest and accept that you, like everyone else, will miss a few things.

9. You need to control everything to be safe.

Are you trying to control the uncontrollable? Those who believe in God will tell you that you are trying to do God’s job. Some things are in your control and others are not. Not sure about that? Think if you tried harder you should be able to keep everything under control. Try making it rain exactly an inch a day. Did you get it right today? Ever try to teach a cat to bark or a dog to purr? How successful were you at that?

You will not be able to control your children, eventually, they escape. Your partner will resent you trying to control them and it will damage your relationship. Most things in life are out of your control. The only thing you really can control is your attitude as you set out each day to do what is in your control.

10. You shouldn’t have to praise people for just doing what they are supposed to do.

Does it pain you to praise others? If you find it hard to see the good in others, if you can’t praise them for what they have accomplished, then you will find praise for your efforts wanting.

Never tell a child they ever did anything right, point out all their mistakes and eventually, that child will learn to be helpless and will give up trying to please you. Has no one ever praised you? Did you give up somewhere along the way?

11. You expect others to let you down. You avoid working with others.

Expecting others to let you down and not offering them the opportunity creates what you fear. Yes, some people will let you down. They are not perfect. Neither are you. Even when you try your hardest you will let others down some of the time.

Humans are social animals. We need other people.  Let others be who they are and you will get the freedom to do likewise.

Yes, there are people you should avoid and dangerous places. Avoid them if you can and if you can’t exercise caution. But isolating does not result in self-confidence.

12. You don’t think you are any good.

If you don’t like you this is sure to undermining your self-confidence. Work on liking, loving you. Give yourself encouragement. Seek out the things you do well. Get to know yourself. If liking yourself is a challenge, work with a counselor and try to search for your good points.

13. Without others, you will be lonely.

If when you are alone you feel lonely you have not yet made a friend of yourself. Some people are more introverted. Others are more extroverted. Healthy people, introverts or extroverts, need some time alone and some time with others. Get your life in balance. Learn to enjoy your time alone and your time with others.

The cure for low self-confidence?

Work on these unhelpful beliefs. Learn and practice new helpful beliefs. Do more things and better things and give yourself love and encouragement even if no one else does. Read books on wellness and recovery and positive psychology. Especial look at books based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. Work with a counselor, therapist or life coach. You can change your beliefs, raise your self-confidence and feel good about yourself.

Want to sign up for my mailing list?

Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books