Tag Archives: Marriage

Climbing Life’s Mountain

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Climbing Life’s Mountain
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

The process of living life is a lot like climbing a metaphoric mountain. I hope you’ll bear with me as I describe my experience climbing my own life mountain and what I’ve learned as I begin to consider the process of climbing back down the other side. We spend many years trying to reach goals farther up the mountain.

From where I live and look out my window, there’s a range of mountains off in the distance. I’m not a professional mountain climber by any means. I’ve driven over to the mountains several times and gotten far enough up to see some of the sights, but I’ve never hiked up into the rough country near the top, and I know virtually nothing about what lies in the steep valley behind this range of mountains.

The same has been true with my life mountain. I started off life at the base of a very small hill, not really knowing what to expect. That first hill we must climb is developmental, learning to walk and talk. Some of us have great climbing coaches; others were mainly left on their own. Some people were born into a family of people who had gotten injured on their climb up their life mountain and who took their pain out on their children.

As we begin to climb, the very first gentle slope of elementary school, we discovered that there was not one and only one path to take in life. From year to year, we get different teachers who teach us different ways to approach this task of becoming the best we can be. Sometimes those adults who guide us are more encouraging than others. Some of the adults are negative and punitive.

Being repeatedly told that you’re not good enough, criticized for your failures, can lead to a condition called learned helplessness. As a professional therapist, I’ve worked with a number of clients who are struggling to overcome all that negative self-talk they were raised with.

Eventually, you should climb up the mountains in your life; you’re likely to meet other climbers. Some of them become friends, and some become romantic interests. If you’re a typical life mountain climber, you probably stopped by the caves at the local hillside and spent some time with your romantic partner. Eventually, young, inexperienced mountain climbers on life’s mountain become parents and have to pause their efforts to achieve the climb they had started until their own children are launched into life.

Eventually, most climbers run out of energy or run out of life and realize that they have climbed as high as they’re going to climb. No matter how much you accomplish in life, no matter how far you climb the mountain, there’s always another range of mountains that looks higher, farther off in the distance. That’s why it seems that successful people are never satisfied with their success. They must always keep climbing higher.

There are a lot of different trails to take you climbing on the mountain. Some trails keep you walking for a long time, but you end up right back where you started. Some trails are steep and slippery. You may, with enough exertion, move to a much higher vantage point on the mountain of life.

All the while you’re climbing while you are trying to get somewhere in life, you’re not likely to see much of what’s on the other side of the mountains. Every goal of accomplishment has its letdown.

The longer you live, the more you realize there’s no turning around and going back the way you came. You will never get younger. Self-care, diet, exercise, and good mental health may keep you energetic longer. Strenuous workouts might even give you strength and energy you didn’t know you had. But eventually, the process of living life will wear on you.

If you’re observant, at every phase along this life journey, you will discover that you can’t turn around. The trails all either go up, becoming increasingly more challenging, or they turn off to the side and detour you around to the back of the mountains.

What we eventually learn about the back of the mountain is that it is an equally challenging process of decline. Some people become ill and die suddenly. They fall off the Cliff or are caught in a landslide.

The next part of our journey will occur when we ask ourselves just how far up the mountain do we want to climb and at what cost. And then what will we do as we begin to lose those things, physical, financial, and emotional, that we acquired? In the next blog post, I want to begin the discussion of how the process of aging may rob us of the things we acquired in our journey to whatever pinnacle on the mountain we reached.

Recommended Mental Health Books

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using the link on this page. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them, and they can do the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC 

Life coaching clients must be working toward a specific problem-solving goal. Coaching is not appropriate if you have a diagnosable mental health problem. Also, life coaching is not covered by insurance. If you think life coaching for creativity or other life goals might be right for you, contact me directly.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Every lesson needs a story

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Stories
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Every lesson needs a story.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

One of my core character strengths is the love of learning. I’ve spent the better part of 70-plus years going to school, either as a student or a teacher, and some semesters I’ve done both: take classes and teach them.

It’s fine to learn general principles, but I have been told, and I have found it true, that the deepest form of learning comes from capturing the truth of something in a story.

When working with students, interns, and, often, clients, I have found that they resonate more with the stories I tell than with cold, hard facts. Often, as I’m thinking about a problem, an image comes to mind. Throughout this series of blog posts, I want to share some of those stories with you.

One explanation of this phenomenon comes from anthropology, along with some conjecture about human origins. Long before humans had written language, we sat around the fireplace at night, or our ancestors held up in a cave, and the wise old men and women told stories.

Hearing that you shouldn’t do something because it was dangerous and that the way to escape that danger was to do something else is hard to remember. But when you hear the story of how a young boy named Harry Potter or the girl Katniss Everdeen overcame their difficulties, you’re likely to remember it.

All the great religious books, from the original five books of the Bible through to the end of Jesus’ teachings and the Book of Revelation, tell stories. So do the sacred scriptures of the Muslims and the Hindus. I find that in my counseling work, things often make more sense to me, and to the clients, if I can capture their essence in a story. So, forgive me if this series of blog posts is heavily populated by stories.

Of course, I can’t tell the stories of real clients as that would violate their confidentiality or anonymity. But I can tell you stories that are about composite or fictional characters, and sometimes I tell stories about purely imaginary people.

Over the next weeks, I want to tell you some of my favorite life stories. I hope you’ll let me know if you recognize these stories and especially if you’ve lived them.

The first story I want to tell you is called “Climbing Life Mountain.” At first glance, it’s a relatively simple, straightforward story. But as we begin to develop the characters and the plot, I think you will see how this simple metaphor explains a lot about what happens to one person and not another, and how some people are able to overcome the worst of adversity, while others struggle even in the best of situations.

This metaphor is significant because most of what happens on the backside of the mountain, the descent of the old people from the peaks they had reached, has long been hidden from the view of the large mass of people climbing the front of the mountains. I believe that how one ends life matters just as much as how one begins it.

Note also that some of the most difficult challenges and also the most enjoyable had long been hidden from view in the caves scattered around the mountain. Getting together with a partner, engaging in sexual activities, and the birth of children have largely been hidden from the rest of the tribe.

I hope that you will check in next week when we begin our journey up the metaphorical mountain of life and try to understand how the things that happened in childhood and adolescence supposedly turn us all into adults, then gradually get shed in our journey down the other side of the mountain.

Recommended Mental Health Books

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using the link on this page. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them, and they can do the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC 

Life coaching clients must be working toward a specific problem-solving goal. Coaching is not appropriate if you have a diagnosable mental health problem. Also, life coaching is not covered by insurance. If you think life coaching for creativity or other life goals might be right for you, contact me directly.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The Hows and Whys of Change.

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Change

Experiencing change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The Hows and Whys of Change.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

There are two principal competing methods for navigating a life transition. Though many people choose a third option and do little or nothing till it is too late.

Make sure you know where you’re going before you leave.

This option was traditionally summarized as “look before you leap.”

If you are working at a job that you hate, one that is draining the life out of you, it’s often best to look for a new job first before quitting your current job. More than once, I have counseled someone who is unhappy with their current job, that the best time to look for a job is when you have one. Having some source of income keeps you going while you’re looking for your preferred job.

Rushing to change your situation can often end you up in a worse place than before. More than once, I’ve seen somebody leave a relationship to begin a new relationship only to have that replacement relationship turn out worse than the present one.

One way to summarize the problem with rushing from one situation to another is “wherever you go, there you are.” Sometimes it’s not the job or the relationship that’s causing the problem. If the problem is something you need to learn or change about yourself, then staying in your current situation while you work through those issues can be the best course of action.

You have to end something before you can start something new.

This is essentially what’s behind door number 2. Walking away from the known into uncertainty can be a very scary task. As long as you’re busy working at a job you don’t like, you may find it difficult to go out and apply for a new job. If you stay stuck in a dysfunctional relationship, you may never achieve true happiness.

Cautious and fearful people spend a lot of time trying to be sure about their decisions. But you will never know what you don’t know. As long as your life is full, you have neither the room nor the time to explore alternatives.

Many people who have successfully navigated severe life transitions have reported that they had to go through an ending of one life path and the resulting period of uncertainty before they could discover the direction they wanted to go in the future.

So why do you have to go through a transition?

If you’re facing a life change, some kind of transition, it’s worth considering how this change came about and what, if any, options you have. There are two principal causes of change in our lives: external events, those things that are thrust upon us, and things that are internal, a matter of our individual wants and preferences.  People lose their jobs through layoffs, getting fired, or company closures. Romantic relationships end because you and your partner can’t get along, or your partner decides to end the relationship.

Sometimes relationships end because your life partner dies. How long you need to go through the grieving process varies from person to person. But sooner or later, there will be the emotion of grief and loss.

Physical health changes across the lifespan. Sometimes health issues are a result of conditions out of our control, such as genetics, heredity, accidents, injuries, and other conditions outside our control. Other times, it’s a result of unhealthy living or things that we probably should have attended to sooner.

In the process of planning a way forward through these life transitions, it’s often wise to take a look at the causes to avoid repeating the same course of action. If you find that you are repeating patterns in your life, it may be worth the effort to look at your past and to do some work on yourself, either by utilizing self-help groups, education, or by formal counseling and therapy.

Other times, you don’t have the option of spending time analyzing the past because the crisis is upon you and you must move forward. We will begin this process by looking at how you move forward, but in the future section, I want to suggest you take a look at how your past may be influencing your present.

Recommended Mental Health Books

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using the link on this page. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them, and they can do the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC 

Life coaching clients must be working toward a specific problem-solving goal. Coaching is not appropriate if you have a diagnosable mental health problem. Also, life coaching is not covered by insurance. If you think life coaching for creativity or other life goals might be right for you, contact me directly.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Life is choked with transitions.

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Hallway of transitions
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Life is choked with transitions.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

Over the last few years, my practice as a therapist and counselor has shifted. Some of that is because of COVID and learning to work remotely online, doing telehealth. I’ve found that my practice has shifted from working mainly with young people starting out in life to serving an ever-increasing number of older people.

I hesitate to call these people elderly since most of them are younger than me, but I’m sure that I am the exception that proves the rule. I feel fortunate that, despite being 77 years old, I can still work and be productive.

Two things stand out in my online practice, which are different from what I saw when I worked for the county or in an office in private practice. I am seeing far fewer children or couples, and many more single adults and older adults. While the specific mental health diagnoses vary a great deal, what I see most often is people struggling with life’s transitions.

When the challenges life throws at you are overwhelming, you’re very likely to develop high anxiety, severe depression, a substance use disorder, or some kind of dysfunctional behavior.

For better or worse, I have personally gone through a pretty large number of life transitions. I tell my clients that I have learned a lot more about life’s problems, particularly aging, than I ever wanted to know. I’ve spent a lot of time studying the challenge of transitioning from one thing to another, both by reading the research and by living the experience.

I mentioned these things not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, but because I’ve developed a special sensitivity to the role that transitions play in all our lives.

There are certainly developmental transitions, and some people experience difficulty navigating those. Progressing through school involves its share of developmental challenges. Graduating, whether it’s from high school or college, and then entering the workforce can be a major transition for many people. In my role as a clinical counselor, I have studied career counseling and the challenges of finding the right job. That task deserves an entire series of posts.

Getting into and out of relationships involves a great many painful as well as joyous transitions. I believe that the increasing lifespan has led to more people ending one relationship and starting another than at any other time in human history. I intend to talk about the changing nature of human relationships in an upcoming post.

At some point, most of us will go through conflicts with our spouses, and some people will experience breakups or divorces. If you live long enough, you may experience the death of a spouse. An increasing number of family members are struggling with a loved one who is in Hospice and dying, or living in a long-term care facility. There’s also the transition of the person who loses individual functioning. Dementia has become more common and causes a great deal of suffering both for the person with dementia and for those who encounter the dementia sufferer.

For something to be considered a mental illness, it has to affect a person in four basic areas. If your problem interferes with social functioning, your ability to have relationships with family and friends, including your romantic partner, then it’s a reason for your problems to be considered a mental illness. Any problem which is severe enough to interfere with occupational functioning is also diagnosable. By occupation, we don’t just mean paid employment. We also would include school or the duties of parenting if that were a full-time activity.

The third criterion for diagnosing someone with a mental illness is that it causes them subjective distress. If something is so upsetting to you that you just can’t stand it, and the pain of this event or condition is unbearable, then we call that a mental illness. And lastly but not least, if what you’re dealing with interferes with your ability to function in some other area that is important to you, even if it is a hobby or a recreational activity, it may qualify as a mental health diagnosis.

From that brief description of reasons why something might be diagnosed, I think we can all see that transitions or changes in any one of those areas can be overwhelming.

Eventually, I will probably get around to discussing most, if not all, of these issues. But being very action-oriented, I thought I’d start with a brief description of what I understand to be the main ways in which people cope with and sometimes overcome the challenges of life’s transitions.

The next stop in our journey of understanding the nature of life transitions and how to overcome them will be a brief review of the two major theories about how to navigate life transitions.

Recommended Mental Health Books

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using the link on this page. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them, and they can do the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC 

Life coaching clients must be working toward a specific problem-solving goal. Coaching is not appropriate if you have a diagnosable mental health problem. Also, life coaching is not covered by insurance. If you think life coaching for creativity or other life goals might be right for you, contact me directly.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Fairytales end at the wedding – Marriage and Divorce

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Fairytale world.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why are there no happily-ever-after relationships around here?

In this collage of life, one recurrent theme is people’s search for that one ideal romantic relationship, the perfect person that will complete their life and make them happy.

The other side of that picture is the near-universal failure of the romantic relationship to live up to our expectations.

Every day millions, soon to be billions, of people fall in love. Some for the first time, many for the umpteenth time. Always we hope this time will be different, this time we have found the one. The result of these repeating patterns has been that more than half of marriages end in divorce. More than ever people are getting into relationships without the benefit of marriage.

A generation has come to believe that the principle cause of divorce is marriage.

Why can’t we all have one of those storybook romances where the prince finds his Snow White, Cinderella gets the glass slipper and the relationship of her dream and we all live happily ever after?

The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, that in the fairy tale the curtain always comes down on the magical moment when the couple begins their relationship full of expectations.

We never see the rest of the happy relationship story.

Cinderella, should she have children, and there is a high probability that she will, then she will find that life is not so rosy after being up all night with a sick child. What does that prince do, after a few dozen nights of coming home and finding his beloved in a vile irritable mood after a day of scrubbing and cleaning and caring for princelings?

Most likely he starts spending time trying glass slippers on other women’s feet.

The truth is that life is real and fairy tales are fiction. Real relationships take hard work. Some time spent upfront making sure you know that other person and that you are on the same page can pay off on those long nights when things in your realm are not going so well.

Good relationships, like good gardens, require work to maintain them each and every day.

In the real tale, the price may not get promoted to king, even if he does there is that long period of struggle before he gets there. Cinderella can get awfully grumpy when she finds that being with the prince is not an escape from doing chores for the wicked stepmother. A few years toiling over a hot fireplace can make the most charming Cinderella say things just like her wicked stepmother used to say.

Nothing tests romance so well as having a sick child cover you with vomit. Notice in the fairy tales the problems all end with the wedding? In real life that is when they begin.

Fairy tales are about fantasy, marriage is real life and real life is hard work.

My advice, for all it is worth, is to leave the fairy tales in the books and movies and spend the time in your real-life relationships doing the hard work of making your life something that is worth the effort that inevitably needs to be invested in that relationship.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Length of time together in failed relationships or marriages

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

How long do relationships last?

End of Marriage

How long before the relationship fails?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How long does it take for a relationship to fail?

We counselors and especially those of us that are Marriage and Family Therapists, see lots of relationships that are troubled and at risk of ending. Some marriage counselors take the approach that they are “divorce busters” and seek to keep a couple staying together at any cost.  There are counselors that will align with one or the other person in a relationship and encourage them to put themselves first and the relationship second.

Personally, I try to stay neutral and help the two individuals find the solution that is best for both of them.

What are some of the factors that keep people together in their primary relationship and what forces them apart? Much of this material comes from a researcher and presenter on couples issues named John Gottman.

1. What was their intention when they got together?

Couples get together for all the wrong reasons and stay together for bad reasons also. Many couples find that they like dating, sometimes all they were looking for was fun, a good time, or some casual sex. Once sex becomes part of the relationship it alters things, people who would have moved on and let that one go, they know they are not compatible, may stay together after they start having sex.

Being in a primary sexual relationship precludes finding someone else, at least someone for more than casual sex. No one likes falling in love with someone who is sleeping with another partner.

2. Everything changes with the pregnancy.

Pregnancy happens whether we plan on it or not. Sometimes birth control fails, sometimes we forget to use it, or over time it becomes less critical.

It is one relationship when it is all fun, dating, and having sex, but it is a whole other thing once the prospect of a child comes into things.  Someone who was good with a causal relationship before suddenly wants a commitment. After all, you are having a child together.

Whether the pregnancy is terminated or the decision is made to have the child everything is different after the pregnancy. Some couples decide to get married because of the pregnancy some do not. Either way, you and the relationship is changed forever.

It does not appear from my experience that the marriage license is the key factor here. The important thing is, does the couple decide that they want to be together as life partners, or are they only doing this because they are trapped by a pregnancy?

3. The first year after the birth of the first child can be traumatic.

Couples that are not married have a high risk of breaking up during that first year after the birth of the first child.

Couples that do get married still find the relationship changes, often in ways, they did not expect and want. It takes a lot of work to create and maintain a relationship after a child enters the picture, especially if a long-term relationship was not what you wanted in the first place.

4. How long did the couple know each other before they made the commitment?

Couples that have known each other, dated, and had common experiences, for two to five years before getting into a long-term relationship are more likely to have a successful relationship.

Couples who date only briefly sometimes workout, but they are at extra risk. In the early stages of a relationship, we all want to be liked and put our best foot forward. You can’t keep that appearance up forever and after a few years the real you and the real them leak out. Couples who move through the dating stage and establish a long-term relationship to rapidly often find they are in a relationship they wish they had not entered.

If you have been dating for over five years and are still not feeling ready to make a commitment to a long-term relationship, then there is something in your gut telling you this is not the right thing.

Sometimes our reluctance is about the other person and sometimes it is about us. We find that two emotionally unhealthy people do not make for a good relationship. If you have issues, you need to work on yourself before you get into a relationship.

That does not mean that if you suffer from a mental or emotional illness that you should not be in a relationship. What it does suggest is that you need to work on yourself and your recovery before entering that relationship. No one else can fix you. Recovery is an inside job.

5. Has there been a history of angry fights, abuse, or domestic violence?

Couples whose relationship is characterized by lots of fighting, little if any repair efforts and abuse and violence often end during the first five years. This bulge in failed relationships at five years is also influenced by substance abuse and other addictions.

6. Many marriages or long-term relationships fail at the 20 to the 25-year point.

These relationships stay together because of the children, the influence of family, or economic reasons. Then one day, often around the time that the oldest child is about to graduate from high school, the couple looks at each other and can’t remember why they liked each other in the first place.

These relationships do not fail because of anger or hatred, they just fizzle out. Suddenly one or both parties wake up and realize the feeling of love was lost a long time ago.

They have failed to maintain the relationship and now they have nothing in common.

7. Relationships that triangulate in a third-party or substance.

Added to these relationship issues is the ever-present possibility of affairs, emotional or sexual. Those relationships end because someone or something else pries one of the parties away from their primary relationship. One of the worst affairs is the drug-threesome caused by someone falling in love with a drug of choice and leaving their partner to follow that addiction.

There you have some of the more common reasons that relationships fail and people separate, break up, or divorce.

Breaking up is almost always painful, even when you know you want out. The trick is to learn to be happy as an individual and then that happiness has a chance of spilling over into the relationship.

Here is wishing you a happy life, with or without that romantic relationship.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Success or failure?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success or failure sign

Success or failure.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you a success or a failure?

Men and women seem to understand success and failure differently. The kinds of things that most men see as successes and failures are different from those experienced by women.

I know those old gender stereotypes are not always true and things are changing, but when it comes to issues of success and failure the problems that bring men and women to the counseling room are usually different. Men in counseling may say they are not very successful. They want to be more successful. Women rarely say that.

When men say success they mean money or accomplishment.

Men talk about not being successful in terms of money, income, being a good provider for their family. They also think in terms of accomplishment. Men feel good about themselves when they win a contest, are famous for some sport or activity, or because of education and promotions, they assume a position of authority.

It doesn’t always have to be about the money, it can also be about the position or the activity. A pastor, priest, or director of a nonprofit may not make a lot of money but they can think of themselves as successful if they are able to see their organization accomplish its mission. If they feel that the role they fill is important.

Women worry about relationship failure.

Women, on the other hand, are more likely to see their therapist because they perceive that they have “failed.” They report they have “failed” at marriage or “failed” at motherhood. Traditionally men and women have evaluated themselves differently.

Men think they need to have things.

Men are most likely to evaluate themselves based on what they have or “are.” They have a nice house, they drive a new prestigious car, they have a good-looking “trophy” wife. Lacking a lot of expensive toys a man can still feel good about himself if he believes he “is” something worthwhile. He can be poor and still have “status” if he is a priest or pastor, a doctor, or a professor.

Women tend to evaluate themselves based on their relationships. They can feel like a success if they have good children who love them. The love of their husband is likely to be more important than his income. Women have told me they don’t care if they have to live in a car as long as they know their man and their kids love them. Now clearly there are materialistic women just like there are men who are more motivated by love. But overall women may look for a man who can be a good provider for them and the children, but having made their choice they are most likely to feel they are successful if the relationship is going well rather than if he sends the money home from a place where he lives with someone else.

In therapy, people get a chance to take another look at their understanding of success and failure. They decide just what they need to do to feel successful and they learn new skills to move to the position of feeling good about themselves. Sometimes they discard the yardstick they have been using to measure success and get a new understanding of what success and failure mean to them.

Whether you feel like a success or failure then is not all about the money or the relationship. It is mostly about the yardstick you are using to measure success or failure. How do you measure your success or failure? What would you need to have or accomplish to feel successful and what are you doing to get there?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why relationships fail – two large reasons

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Couple drinking

Couple’s relationship with alcohol.
Photo courtesy of pixabay

Two major causes are responsible for the majority of failed relationships.

Most of the research in this area has been done by Marriage or Couples Counselors but the results of these insights are applicable to other relationships, particularly the relationship between boss and employee. The major reason for relationship failure turns out not to be the thing we most expect.

Conflicted relationships fail and they often end early.

We expect couples who fight a lot to have a bad relationship and for the relationship to fail. That does happen – sometimes but not as often as you would think.

Relationships with lots of negativity, constant conflict are likely to end fairly soon. Gottman has done a lot of research in this area and he tells us that these relationships commonly end in the first seven years, with an average length of just over five years. These relationships are easy to spot lots of obvious arguing and fights. Sometimes there is violence. The police in every town know where these couples live.

After a few years of non-stop conflict these couples part. Often they are still angry with each other and they may have to make the exchanges of the children at a supervised site.

Sadly what often happens is both parties get into new relationships and they discover that the second or eighth time is no better than the first. Gottman tells us based on his research that almost 70% of fights are about things for which there is no solution. She likes green tea and he wants black or it could be religion, politics, or any other area of preference. Much less often a couple disagrees about something where they might be able to work out a solution that makes them both happy.

In other relationships, like jobs and friendships, people who have these kinds of conflicts quit jobs, get fired, or don’t stay around long. Sometimes they have an employment history of lots of short-term jobs. They may also have an arrest record for domestic violence or bar fights. They are also likely to have over-close friendships followed by a complete rupture of that relationship.

Getting into hugely negative conflicts is not the same as being assertive though some people confuse getting there way and giving in with being assertive or being victimized.

As dramatic as unrestrained conflict may be it is not the major reason that marriages fail. It is also not, in my experience, the reason productive employees leave companies or that long-term friendships end. There is a bigger cause of failed relationships.

Relationships without love, friendship, or caring take longer to fail but eventually these couples pull apart.

In these couples, there is nothing positive between them. They have no fun together and often prefer to live the majority of their lives apart. Now I know that there was a time that couples like this stayed together till death do them part, but that was a long time ago.

Couples in these kinds of relationships describe themselves as feeling “dead.” There is nothing that the couple has in common and eventually, the relationship ends. In the workplace, these relationships are devoid of positive regard for the other party. The only things the employee hears from the boss are the complaints and the errors. The only time the employee seeks out the boss is when they have a grievance. Neither may enjoy coming to work anymore. They forget to ever have anything positive to say about each other or about the goal their organization is pursuing.

So often couples start out the relationship describing themselves as best friends, somewhere along the way they forget that the best of friendships require work and they require shared experiences. These couples are especially prone to the “empty nest syndrome” or the “we only stayed together for the sake of the kids.” Eventually, the kids grow up and move out on their own and this couple is stuck with each other. Sometimes they are able to recreate a positive relationship but often there are no feelings left to build on.

These are not the couples who are content with each other and who are comfortable whether alone or together. They are the couples who hate to be together. There is always tension in the air if they are both in the same room but the discomfort never erupts into overt hostilities. In these relationships, neither partner makes an effort to consider the other and you will never see one comfort the other in times of pain. These are empty and uncaring couples.

So there you have it, two kinds of relationships that end on the rocks. The openly hostile violent relationships may end first but the hidden dislike eventually takes its toll. Just avoiding fights is not a solution to relationship failure. Creating more positive experiences together than negative ones is the safest route to keeping the relationship intact and healthy.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel