By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Why do you have multiple failed relationships?
There are several things you should be looking at if you have repeated failed relationships.
Here are some possible reasons that this same thing keeps happening to you.
Take a look at this list and see if any of these applies to you. This may be your chance to learn a needed lesson.
It could be bad luck, maybe.
This to me is the least likely possibility. Sure it is possible that someone can have a bad outcome from an effort several times. But the more often things happen “again” the more we need to start looking at ourselves rather than blaming this recurrence on bad luck.
You get with people thinking you will change them.
This is a more common problem. You get with a new romantic partner thinking all they need is someone who cares about them and they will straighten up and go right.
Having a supportive person in your corner is wonderful, but if you have started thinking that this potential partner will suddenly change if you just love them enough you are headed for heartbreak.
Snakes remain snakes and addicts rarely give it up just because you want them to. Lots of us have capes hanging in the closet just waiting for the opportunity to become Captain-Save-a-bum.
Ladies if he cheated on his last partner or has multiple babies’ mama’s these are all bad signs.
You incompatibility detector is not working.
In the early stages of courtship, we see what we want to see. The red flags and the bells and sirens are all there we just chose to ignore them.
If you do not invest a significant amount of time getting to know who this person is under normal, non-dating circumstances, you have no idea who you are getting. Despite having a host of bad experiences do you tend to keep doing it over and over? You know you do!
Can you spot the “perfect partner” across a crowded room? They never look or act so good when you get to know them up close. Make sure you checked this person out well. You always need to allow for shrinkage and spoilage. Guys – expect her perfect figure to disappear in the light of reality.
You expect relationships to be easy or 50 -50.
No, 50-50 relationships do not work. It takes something like 80-80, to make it work. If both of you do not think you are doing more than your partner you will never meet in the middle.
If you are keeping score that is a bad sign also.
So very often we think we need to do all the work on the front end to catch that great person. Great partners are not caught. You do that and they keep trying to get away. They have to be nurtured and that means it takes more effort to maintain a relationship than to get one started.
You keep looking in the wrong places.
A Very common scenario in counseling. The woman has been abused; he is an alcoholic or addict. She may have had a father who came from that mold. So she gets loose from this abusive man.
What do you think happens the day after the divorce?
Her girlfriends take her out to celebrate and they hit the club. That very night she meets this new – wonderful guy.A year later, now pregnant – again- she finds he is an alcoholic abusive cheater. What went wrong?
If you meet them in crack houses the chances are they are drug users. If you meet them over alcohol they may be already married to their bottle.
Where you meet people often tells you a whole lot about who they are and who they will become. I know there are exceptions but not every plant in the weed patch turns into a rose.
The problem is you-you need to work on yourself.
When you are sick, emotionally or mentally, you tend to attract other people who have those same problems. Two people who have a mental illness can meet and have a great relationship.
What they need to do, for that to happen, is for both of them to work on themselves. As you get healthier you attract healthier people into your life.
You do not expect relationships to work.
You got into this relationship thinking it would be OK for now. If it didn’t work out you could always get a divorce. Start out thinking that way and you are highly likely to create those situations. This is extra messy if you thought this might end but you went ahead and had children with this person anyway.
Remember the rule, you can break up with a romantic partner but baby’s mothers and fathers are in your life one way or the other, for the rest of your life and beyond. How have you been doing in the romantic relationship department? Do you keep making the same mistakes – getting the same result over and over?
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Two David Joel Miller Books are available now!
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller
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For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.