Top marriage mistakes you may be making.

By David Joel Miller.

Making these mistakes creates unhappy relationships.

End of Marriage

Marriage mistakes you may be making.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Everyone begins a new relationship expecting that this relationship will be a happy one. Even the best relationships will have some unhappy times. From the large number of relationships that fail it seems clear that having a relationship, by itself, will not make you happy. Having a good relationship is hard work. Here are some relationship mistakes that are guaranteed to produce unhappiness. How many of these relationship mistakes are you making?

Expecting to change your partner.

Often the very things that attracted you to a partner are the things that drive you apart. A man is attracted to a woman because she is outgoing and flirts with him. After they are in the relation, he becomes upset because she is too outgoing and flirts with other men.

A woman meets a guy, is attracted to him because he is spontaneous and excited after a while together she decides he is irresponsible.

In both cases, they likely got together expecting that their partner would change. Happy relationships invest the time in getting to know each other beforehand. They also accept each other as they are without planning on making extensive renovations to their partner’s personality. Getting into a relationship expecting your partner to change results in a lot of unhappiness.

Thinking they will make you happy.

Two unhappy people do not make for a happy couple. You need to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else. If you are frequently unhappy, entering a relationship will just give you someone to be unhappy with. Happiness is an inside job.

Involving your family in your relationship.

It’s common, when people enter a new relationship, to vent their frustrations with their partner to family and friends. Once you have involved your family, gotten them to take sides about who is right and who is wrong, they’re not likely to ever forgive your partner for their mistakes. Getting other people involved in your relationship will either damage your relationship, or it will end your connection to your family and friends. You may forgive your partner’s mistakes but they may not.

Insisting on being right.

If every time you and your partner have a disagreement you insist on proving you are right, you will become a very difficult person to live with. People who always need to be right end up right-fighting which results in a very unhappy relationship. Some of the conflicts you will have with your partner are not a matter of right and wrong. Allow your partner to have their own opinion.

Expecting nothing to change.

No matter how wonderful a relationship is in the beginning, things will change. Stressful times come along. Having children fundamentally changes the relationship. Not having children when your friends do, changes your friendships. There will be stressful times. There will be sickness, sometimes minor and sometimes major.

Making it all about the children.

Couples who shift their focus to be all about their children, often find once the children leave home to start their own relationships, those parents no longer have anything in common. Couples who do not continue to build their couple relationship may not have one once the children escape.

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Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings, and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books

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How to destroy your relationship.

By David Joel Miller.

These habits can demolish your relationship.

unhappy couple

Unhappy Relationship Surprises.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Nothing seems so important to humans as their relationships.  Relationship problems, whether it’s with a romantic partner, family or friends are one of the primary causes of emotional distress.  Plenty has been written about how to find a relationship, how to get into them, how to strengthen one, but we don’t often look at the things people do that could damage or even destroy their relationships.  If you are in an unhappy relationship, look at how many of these relationship destroyers may be taking place.  How many of the things on the list below are you doing that might be harming your relationship.

Continually find fault with your partner.

How much of your time do you spend finding fault with your partner?  No one is perfect; everyone has their faults, but if all you ever say to your partner are words of criticism you are creating a very negative relationship.  If you can’t see anything good about your partner, it’s time to take another look at yourself.  People who only hear about their faults can get discouraged, and eventually, they stop trying.

Never listen to what they have to say.

Early in relationships, people want to hear everything your perspective partner has to say.  If you’ve reached the point where you no longer want to listen to them, something is wrong in your relationship.  Make it a point to try to listen to what they say.  To be heard, you first need to listen.

Insist they need to do all the changing.

Good relationships involve compromise on both people’s parts.  If you’re unwilling to take a look at your part in disagreements and conflicts, you’re creating a situation where your partner has to do all the work.  Relationships are like dances; one person can’t do all steps.  Take a look at what you are doing, no matter how small your part in the problem. You need to be willing to own and to work on that part.

Expect them to make you happy.

Happiness is an inside job.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that someone or something outside of you can make you happy.  If you are unhappy, work on becoming happy.  Putting the burden of making you happy on someone else is an unreasonable burden.  It may be possible for someone to do things to make you unhappy, but happiness is a choice on your part.

Lie and deceive them.

Should you find that you need to deceive your partner, you are creating a dishonest relationship.  We are not talking about keeping small secrets, like what you got them for a birthday present. What are the big secrets you keep that keep you distant from your relationship partner?

Be constantly jealous.

Jealousy is about you.  You can’t control another person.  They are going to do what they are going to do.  If you find that you are jealous, take a look at yourself and your insecurities.  Being constantly jealous and checking up on your partner is a sure way to damage the relationship you do have.

Insist everything needs to be your way.

Every good relationship needs to have some give and take.  If you find that you are insisting on everything being your way you are creating and unworkable situation.  No matter how accommodating your partner is, eventually always having to give in wears thin.  Playing the dictator is a sure way to demolish that relationship.

How many of these relationship destroyers do you practice?

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Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings, and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books

5 Paths to a better relationship.

By David Joel Miller.

Do these things to help create a good relationship.

Couples

Creating a better Relationship
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Couples relationships start off headed in the direction of bliss and somehow, for so many, they end up in the pit of suffering.  How did your relationship get so far off track? If you’re not sure you may need to take a look at the Relationship Destroyers and see how many of these you are practicing. But regardless of how your relationship got off track, are you ready and willing to take some steps to get headed in the right direction again?

It is easy to slip into blaming your partner, while blame may feel good in the moment it won’t change anything. If you are thinking you want to see some changes, consider what changes you want to see and how willing are you to do the work to get this relationship headed in the right direction.

Think of relationships like moving a couch. Really hard for one person to move it very far or fast. But two people together can get the job done. So if you feel like your partner has put their end of the relationship couch down you may need to pick yours up first to help them get willing to make some moves again.

Here are five paths you could consider that may lead to a better relationship.

Good relationships require investing time.

Spend time together if you want to be together. When you first became a couple the two of you spent every moment possible together. Then along the way life happened. You get busy with jobs, children and all kinds of outside commitments. Eventually, you had to reestablish your separate life. You had to start doing more and more things without your partner around. Eventually, you look up and wonder if you two have any interest in spending time together.

For couples to stay close they need to invest some of that precious time in the relationship.

Figure out where you are going. What do you really want out of this relationship?

Initially, the goal of couples is mostly just being together. Most couples never think about what they want from the relationship beyond the together part. Time goes by and then what happens?  You start to wonder now that you are together why aren’t things perfect? Children often happen so does work, family and other commitments and the goal of being a couple may get forgotten.

You wonder about those dreams and values you had before the couple thing came into your life. Are you two on the same page now? What is important? Religious values, or money and things? If you didn’t explore your goals and values during the early stages now is the time to do it. Now is always the time.

Have that talk about where you see your life going. Do you see yourself being together as old retired people? Or are you only staying together or the sake of the children? How would you know if this was a good relationship? Does that mean the same thing to both of you?

Shared goals and values is a pathway to a good relationship.

When your relationship is not working try a new path.

What are you willing to change about yourself and this relationship to make this work? Do you know any happy couples? What do they do that you are not doing? Is this relationship worth putting some work into? Would any relationship? Before you jump to the conclusion that you need to end this relationship and look for someone new think about what brought you and your partner together in the first place. Are you willing to try again with the partner you have already invested so much time and emotion with?

Clean your own wreckage out of the way.

For many couples the reason things are not going well is because of the unfinished business of childhood, that baggage you are still carrying. How much baggage do you have? Are you willing to work on you to make this relationship successful? Or do you still expect your partner to supply all the missing parts for your emotional life? No partner will be able to always meet your needs. You need to learn how to meet those yourself and then see how together you can create something that is better than either of you would be separately.

What price are you willing to pay for a good relationship?

What will you do or give up to have this relationship? The highest prices we pay in life are the things we buy with time and sacrifices, not the things that cost us money. Can you accept that you are wrong some of the time? Are you willing to go along with things your partner wants to do even when they make you uncomfortable?

Many people discover that the things they enjoyed about their partner when they were dating scare them after they become a couple. Does that exciting person now seem irresponsible? Does that confident person now seem controlling?

Try being more accepting and open to new experiences the way you two were when you first started out together and see if that is not a path back to that relationship you once had. Just know that no one gets back to exactly where they began that relationship, what you want is to find that happy place you once were at, only a little farther down the road of life. Plan on growing together.

Those are some ideas for new directions you might take your relationship as a way to make it better. Have you found any other ways to create the relationship you want?

For more on this topic see:

Relationships

Family Problems

Couples Therapy 

Want to sign up for my mailing list?

Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books