Top marriage mistakes you may be making.

By David Joel Miller.

Making these mistakes creates unhappy relationships.

End of Marriage

Marriage mistakes you may be making.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Everyone begins a new relationship expecting that this relationship will be a happy one. Even the best relationships will have some unhappy times. From the large number of relationships that fail it seems clear that having a relationship, by itself, will not make you happy. Having a good relationship is hard work. Here are some relationship mistakes that are guaranteed to produce unhappiness. How many of these relationship mistakes are you making?

Expecting to change your partner.

Often the very things that attracted you to a partner are the things that drive you apart. A man is attracted to a woman because she is outgoing and flirts with him. After they are in the relation, he becomes upset because she is too outgoing and flirts with other men.

A woman meets a guy, is attracted to him because he is spontaneous and excited after a while together she decides he is irresponsible.

In both cases, they likely got together expecting that their partner would change. Happy relationships invest the time in getting to know each other beforehand. They also accept each other as they are without planning on making extensive renovations to their partner’s personality. Getting into a relationship expecting your partner to change results in a lot of unhappiness.

Thinking they will make you happy.

Two unhappy people do not make for a happy couple. You need to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else. If you are frequently unhappy, entering a relationship will just give you someone to be unhappy with. Happiness is an inside job.

Involving your family in your relationship.

It’s common, when people enter a new relationship, to vent their frustrations with their partner to family and friends. Once you have involved your family, gotten them to take sides about who is right and who is wrong, they’re not likely to ever forgive your partner for their mistakes. Getting other people involved in your relationship will either damage your relationship, or it will end your connection to your family and friends. You may forgive your partner’s mistakes but they may not.

Insisting on being right.

If every time you and your partner have a disagreement you insist on proving you are right, you will become a very difficult person to live with. People who always need to be right end up right-fighting which results in a very unhappy relationship. Some of the conflicts you will have with your partner are not a matter of right and wrong. Allow your partner to have their own opinion.

Expecting nothing to change.

No matter how wonderful a relationship is in the beginning, things will change. Stressful times come along. Having children fundamentally changes the relationship. Not having children when your friends do, changes your friendships. There will be stressful times. There will be sickness, sometimes minor and sometimes major.

Making it all about the children.

Couples who shift their focus to be all about their children, often find once the children leave home to start their own relationships, those parents no longer have anything in common. Couples who do not continue to build their couple relationship may not have one once the children escape.

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Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings, and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books

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How to destroy your relationship.

By David Joel Miller.

These habits can demolish your relationship.

unhappy couple

Unhappy Relationship Surprises.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Nothing seems so important to humans as their relationships.  Relationship problems, whether it’s with a romantic partner, family or friends are one of the primary causes of emotional distress.  Plenty has been written about how to find a relationship, how to get into them, how to strengthen one, but we don’t often look at the things people do that could damage or even destroy their relationships.  If you are in an unhappy relationship, look at how many of these relationship destroyers may be taking place.  How many of the things on the list below are you doing that might be harming your relationship.

Continually find fault with your partner.

How much of your time do you spend finding fault with your partner?  No one is perfect; everyone has their faults, but if all you ever say to your partner are words of criticism you are creating a very negative relationship.  If you can’t see anything good about your partner, it’s time to take another look at yourself.  People who only hear about their faults can get discouraged, and eventually they stop trying.

Never listen to what they have to say.

Early in relationships, people want to hear everything your perspective partner has to say.  If you’ve reached the point where you no longer want to listen to them, something is wrong in your relationship.  Make it a point to try to listen to what they say.  To be heard, you first need to listen.

Insist they need to do all the changing.

Good relationships involve compromise on both people’s parts.  If you’re unwilling to take a look at your part in disagreements and conflicts, you’re creating a situation where your partner has to do all the work.  Relationships are like dances; one person can’t do all steps.  Take a look at what you are doing, no matter how small your part in the problem. You need to be willing to own and to work on that part.

Expect them to make you happy.

Happiness is an inside job.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that someone or something outside of you can make you happy.  If you are unhappy, work on becoming happy.  Putting the burden of making you happy on someone else is an unreasonable burden.  It may be possible for someone to do things to make you unhappy, but happiness is a choice on your part.

Lie and deceive them.

Should you find that you need to deceive your partner, you are creating a dishonest relationship.  We are not talking about keeping small secrets, like what you got them for a birthday present. What are the big secrets you keep that keep you distant from your relationship partner?

Be constantly jealous.

Jealousy is about you.  You can’t control another person.  They are going to do what they are going to do.  If you find that you are jealous, take a look at yourself and your insecurities.  Being constantly jealous and checking up on your partner is a sure way to damage the relationship you do have.

Insist everything needs to be your way.

Every good relationship needs to have some give and take.  If you find that you are insisting on everything being your way you are creating and unworkable situation.  No matter how accommodating your partner is, eventually always having to give in wears thin.  Playing the dictator is a sure way to demolish that relationship.

How many of these relationship destroyers do you practice?

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Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings, and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books

Unhappy Relationship Surprises.

By David Joel Miller.

Why your relationship won’t turn out the way you thought.

unhappy couple

Unhappy Relationship Surprises.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

We humans have lots of relationships and no relationship is more important than the primary sexual, love relationship.  So many people enter into this relationship with great, wonderful hopes for how well it will turn out.  The truth is the majority, more than half of all marriages end in divorce.

For those who choose to live together without the benefit of marriage or who produce children even before they’ve gotten into the relationship, the chances of staying together are even lower.  How come everyone thinks their relationship will be different?  There are few reasons why most relationships are full of surprises.

Some things will not “just work out.” Love will not conquer all.

The common premise is that we’re so in love our relationship will be better than other people’s.  The truth is some relationships just will not work out.  A great many of these relationships end in the first five years.  The early ending relationships usually were not good from the beginning.  There was an attraction but not much more.  Often these relationships were conflicted, with verbal and physical fights.  With that much conflict no amount of love can overcome the difficulties.

What used to be cute will become annoying.

People who decide to work on their relationship, try to fix things, often come to marriage counseling with a long list of things about their partner they find upsetting.  It’s common for those things that are upsetting to be the very things that attracted the two people in the first place.

He was exciting, but after a few months that exciting becomes irresponsible.  She was stable with a level head on her shoulders, that stability becomes a stick-in-the-mud who never wants to do anything fun or take any chances.

You partner will not change the way you want.

There is an old saying, men choose women and hope they will never change, women always pick men and hope they will change.  Getting into relationships expecting that once together your partner will change in some particular way is a recipe for failure.  While your partner likely will change, it is likely to be in any direction other than the one you hope for.

They will change in ways you wish they hadn’t.

Lots of the change your partner will undergo will be in directions you didn’t expect.  The partner who used to buy things for you will become the one who doesn’t want to spend any money.

That guy they used to be so much fun and joked with you, is likely to turn into the one that flirts with every other girl.

Fifty-Fifty relationships do not work. It will be more like 80-80.

Couples who expect their relationships to be 50/50 are usually in for a shock.  Both partners in a relationship typically think that they’re doing far more than the other partner.  Someone estimated that successful relationships are more like 80 – 80.

There will be a lot more pain, trauma and grief than you expected.

The one thing you can expect for sure is the unexpected.  Movies and fairy tales always end with a wedding.  What they don’t show are the hard times, the times when things go in the wrong direction.

The real world of relationships involves pain.  There may well be, losses and grief.  That happiness ever after quickly turns to after.

You partner will do and say things you don’t expect.

The first rush of getting together you thought you knew each other so well.  Once the initial attraction wears off you’ll be surprised at the things your partner does and says that you never would have expected.

Your partner won’t see “obvious” things.

Even when you think both of you come from the same culture, you will find that you are mistaken.  Each of you came from a family and that family had traditions, ways of doing things which may well seem strange to their partner. The things that are obvious to you, things that need to be done, things that shouldn’t be done, may come as a great surprise to your partner.

Your partner will shape shift. Price charming is really a troll.

Remember the end of the movie, after what you see on-screen comes real life.  The princess doesn’t look so royal six months pregnant with a cold, runny nose and dirt all over her.  Somehow that man you thought was prince charming, a few months later will begin to look like he was really that troll from under the bridge.

You will have to put more in than you take out.

Lots of people get into relationships expecting to get their needs met.  Relationships are kind of like bank accounts. If all you ever do is take out and never put in, that account gets overdrawn.  You will find that over time you put a lot more work into this relationship than you ever imagined when you began it.

Relationships need maintenance.

After the relationship comes life.  Jobs come.  You have work responsibilities.  One or both of you may try to further your education.  Very often, way before anyone is ready, there are children.  It’s easy to neglect a relationship in the process of all the other things that happen in life.  Couples who fail to maintain the relationship wake up one day, look at each other and wonder why they ever stayed together

It is hard for the “US” to coexist with the “ME.”

In the early days of a relationship it is all about us, us, us.  Eventually one of you starts to wonder, now that there is an “us” is there still a me?  Where before you used to want to spend every possible minute together, now you begin to wish for time to do the things you used to do before you were part of a couple.

Your finished relationship house won’t look like the blueprints.

The beginning of a relationship is kind of like planning that dream house, it all looks great in your head.  Once you get that dream house built you may well find out that there are lots of features that didn’t work out the way they looked on paper.

You can find more on this topic under Relationships .

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Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books

Staying together for the children?

By David Joel Miller.

Staying together for the kids isn’t enough.

Unhappy Family

Unhappy Family

In relationship counseling we run into a fair number of couples that have been together a long time, often 20 years or so, and now they find that they just can’t hold it together anymore. The most common cause of this issues is that they have spent the last twenty years “staying together for the kids” instead of staying together because they want to be together.

Most people who have worked with children will tell you that your children are not being fooled by this behavior. Kids know when mom and dad are distant and don’t like each other even when there is no outright fighting going on.

Growing up in a home where the parent’s wish they were not together is not much fun. If you are in that situation consider letting go of your resentments and working on the relationship. If you have to live there you might as well find a way to make the relationship better.

Relationships can self-destruct without children.

It is not unusual for relationship to go through a period of severe distress just about the time the oldest child is graduating from high school. Couples look at each other and ask “why did we stay together all these years?” If it was for the kids now what? Do you two still want to be together?

Relationships like cars or houses need maintenance. If you have just used your relationship to focus on the kids and have not kept the connection with your partner healthy then after the kids are gone there is not much left.

Some couples split up and try to start their lives over. Most of the time they end up in new relationships, now wanting a relationship for themselves instead of for the kids. Often both people get new partners. Who wants to be alone once the kids are gone?

Guess what? This complicates things. You are not a twenty-something any more. Your new partner comes with an ex and some kids. So you, your ex, your new partner, your ex’s new partner and the kids and all their partners keep crossing paths. You think you put your needs on hold for the kids before? Looks like it has just gotten worse. Do you get to enjoy life while you are still alive?

You can distract yourself from being where you are.

Lots of people stay in bad relationships and suffer. They think that the suffering they will go through by staying is less that what they and the kids would go through if they end this relationship.

Plenty of people go through these young-children-years by trying to stay busy and distract themselves from a relationship that is not meeting their needs.

Dads tend to work a lot. The old idea was that dad worked and paid the bills so that the rest of the family could have a good childhood. The result of this model was that dad got robbed of being a part of the family he was paying for and the rest of the family gets to resent dad for never being there.

Lots of expensive toys do not make up for a lack of loving relationships.

Moms also get caught up in this. Mom usually has two or more choices of ways to stay busy and avoid looking at what is lacking in her life. Mom can become a fanatical “soccer mom.” Spend all day and all night not just taking kids to places but also volunteering to help the activity take place. Mom can get so caught up in the school and the soccer league and the clubs that she does not have time to talk with her own kids let alone dad. Or mom can insist the kids need more things and expensive activates and she can go to work and stay busy that way.

What will mom do if the kids escape? Some chase the grandkids down and try to stay busy and others drop into a deep depression because their life has no meaning without someone else to make happy.

Staying and suffering and going and suffering should not be your only choices.

Smart couples develop other choices. If you are having difficulties you work on the issues. Couples counseling can help, so can making sure that you allocate some time and resources to maintain your relationship. Couples that enjoy being together and doing things together survive the kid’s exodus.

Think this over. You have a lot of time invested in your family. Are you waiting to do your time so you can escape after the kids leave or are you willing to work on this relationship so that the two of you will have reasons to be a couple after the kids have moved out and on and started their own families?

There is life after children. You can have a good relationship after your kids start their own lives if you two can get though the process without hurting each other so much there is just no good feelings left in the relationship account.

If your relationship feels like doing time, consider getting help from a professional relationship counselor.

Want to sign up for my mailing list?

Get the latest updates on my books, due out later this year by signing up for my newsletter. Newsletter subscribers will also be notified about live training opportunities and free or discounted books. Sign up here – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and Co-occurring disorders see the about the author page. For information about my other writing work beyond this blog check out my Google+ page or the Facebook author’s page, up under David Joel Miller. Posts to the “books, trainings and classes” category will tell you about those activities. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books