Tag Archives: Resiliency

How to cope with failure.

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Failure – Photo courtesy of Pixabay

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

How well do you cope with failure?

Some people overcome failure more readily than others. Rather than being a natural inborn trait that some people have, and others don’t, coping with failures consists of several learnable skills. Some people stumble upon these failure-overcoming skills naturally, while other people need to study them to learn them. If you’ve experienced disappointments in your life that you’re still struggling with, here are some skills you need to develop to improve your ability to overcome life’s adversities.

Practicing self-compassion blunts the impact of failure.

Recognizing that you’re not alone in failing and exercising your self-compassion leads to better mental health. In one study, students who failed an exam but practiced Self-Compassion went on to study harder and do better on a subsequent exam. There’s no good scientific evidence that you can improve your performance by beating yourself up but being compassionate with yourself – that works.

Develop a success mindset, not a failure mindset.

Focusing on your mistakes and why you made them reduces your ability to take on the next life challenge. Learn to focus on what you need to learn and what you need to change to be successful, and you will become more resilient and better able to tackle future challenges.

Learn from other people’s experiences.

To more successfully bounce back from setbacks, study other people’s experiences. Why have others failed, and how have the successful people accomplished their goals. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that your experience is unique. Look for the similarities in other people’s experiences.

Avoid the perfectionism trap.

Efforts to live up to other people’s expectations that you should be perfect make it even more difficult to overcome failure. People who successfully overcome failures don’t try to live up to other people’s standards. They accept some failures as part of the process of learning and growing. Perfectionism, rather than helping you improve performance, can get in the way of taking the steps you need to improve your performance.

View failures as a part of the learning process, not a defect of character.

Failures, particularly those that are the result of overconfidence, are learning opportunities. Don’t believe that your mistake means there something wrong with you, but instead look for the lessons you still need to absorb. Recognizing your errors of judgment can be an essential part of improving your decision-making process. When you treat failure as part of the learning process, each unsuccessful attempt takes you one step closer to achieving your goal.

Don’t take your failures personally.

Approaching failure with a pessimistic attitude, the belief that your failure means you are defective leads to depression, anxiety, and poor mental health. Try not to personalize every error as evidence of your inability.

Don’t believe that one failure means you will never be successful.

Avoid generalizing from one unsuccessful experience to the belief that because you failed once, you will always fail. This unhelpful thought of overgeneralization interferes with your ability to try again and can lead to paralyzing depression. Most highly successful people had experienced repeated failures before they finally learned how to be successful.

Don’t believe that because you failed in one area, you will fail and everything.

If you’re honest with yourself, you will find there are some things you are better at than others. Struggling in a chemistry class doesn’t mean you can’t be successful in business, history, or some other field. If you play sports, you’re probably better at one sport than another. One element of success in life is finding the areas where your interests match your talents.

Start practicing the skills you need to bounce back from adversity.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seems like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is good mental health?

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Mental Health and Wellness. Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Good mental health affects every part of your life.

Mental health has a significant impact on your thinking, your feelings, and your behavior. Impaired mental health damages relationships. While poor mental health is connected to specific illnesses such as depression and anxiety, good mental health is associated with positive feelings like happiness and contentment. It’s essential to learn to recognize the signs of good mental health.

Mental health lies on a continuum.

Just like physical health, mental health lies on a continuum. People can move from being physically or mentally healthy to less healthy before finally reaching unwell. A lack of wellness doesn’t necessarily constitute illness. But low mental wellness can quickly turn into a mental illness.

A mentally healthy person has a life that is in balance.

Life is challenging, and each person has many roles to balance. Keeping the various parts of your life in balance promotes both physical and mental health. Work is important, but it shouldn’t be the only activity you have time for. Relationships with family and friends impact your mental health as well. Physical health and mental health are not two separate things; they are interconnected. Good sleep and diet, along with exercise, promotes both physical and mental health.

Learning to listen to and manage your feelings can contribute to your mental health. For some people, their spiritual or religious beliefs are also a significant part of them feeling connected to something greater than themselves. Social relationships also factor into your well-being. During this time of Covid-19, many people have had to limit their face-to-face contacts. Maintaining those relationships by phone or the Internet can also have a positive impact on your mental health.

Good mental health improves relationships.

Positive relationships with family and friends, as well as with an intimate partner, promote mental health. Unhealthy relationships are likely to damage your mental health. This relationship works in both directions. Generally, people with many good relationships have better mental health. Working on your mental health through counseling or using self-help methods can also improve your close relationships.

Being mentally healthy means enjoying life, having fun, and being able to laugh.

Happiness can be elusive. Don’t mistake temporary pleasure for happiness. Become a happiness expert. Many adults don’t know how to have fun without alcohol, drugs, and sex. Learn to have fun in positive ways and to recognize when good things are happening. Don’t forget to laugh. Remember also that contentment is a sign of good mental health.

Mentally healthy people have a meaning and purpose for their life.

If you can’t readily identify things that give your life meaning and purpose, it’s time to search for your life’s meaning. Your purpose in life may be to be a good parent or spouse, or it may be to have a good work-life. Some people find their meaning in religious and spiritual practices and their relationship with their higher power. Even if a physical or mental problem prevents you from full-time employment, there are many volunteer opportunities or other ways to be productive.

Good mental health is characterized by hope.

Hold onto your hope for all it’s worth. Having hope powers the rest of your mental health. Hope consists of two factors. You need to believe that if you try, you can achieve some measure of success. Secondly, if one path you’re taking doesn’t help you reach your goals, hope tells you to look for other ways that you might find what you’re looking for. If you’re low on hope, please check out some of the other articles I’ve written about help.

Mentally healthy people are more resilient.

Resiliency is the ability to bounce back. Many people have been knocked down repeatedly. Those people who can bounce back are inspirations to us all. Study resiliency and how highly resilient people recover from life’s setbacks. Cultivate a resilient spirit. Resiliency is so important that I wrote a book on this topic, titled Bumps on The Road of Life.

Being flexible and able to adapt is a sign of good mental health.

Avoid the tyranny of the “musts” and the “shoulds.” Learn to be flexible and accept that sometimes things will turn out the way you want them to, and sometimes they won’t. Insisting that the world be the way you want it, can cause you a lot of stress and lead to poor mental health.

Good mental health leads to self-acceptance.

Stop comparing yourself to others and accept yourself, however you are. Working on yourself does not mean there’s anything wrong with you. We are all in the process of learning and growing. Don’t focus on what is wrong with you. Focus on life’s improvement opportunities.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seems like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Surviving uncertainty during these trying times.

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anxiety

Uncertainty.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Life is full of uncertainties.

Life always has its uncertainties, but this year everyone has experienced a lot more challenges than usual. The coronavirus and its sudden spread around the world, has been on everyone’s minds. Some people have chosen to ignore the virus, while others have stayed home, hoping they can hide from the virus. The uncertainty isn’t limited to whether you will catch Corvid-19, but also how ill you will become. Death from infections is a very real possibility.

You may be one of the people who has had to work despite the risks. Or possibly you’re one of the people who were laid off. You don’t know when or if you’ll be called back to work, and if you are, what are the risks you are taking. Some people have been able to work from home, which potentially reduces their risk of the disease. But working from home has its uncertainties.

The pandemic has affected most people’s physical health, relationships, finances, and mental health. If they find drugs to treat this illness, or if there’s a vaccine that works, the uncertainty surrounding the coronavirus may diminish. But that’s far from certain.

Your attitude towards uncertainty matters.

Life seems more manageable when things move along in a predictable pattern. Everyone needs a certain amount of security. A few unexpected events can be the spice in your life. But too much uncertainty can take you into survival mode. Some people see uncertainty as scary, while other people look to these new times as an opportunity for personal growth and learning new skills.

How can you cope with uncertainty?

Don’t get bogged down in your fear of uncertainty. Look for ways that you can cope with the current challenges.

Accept that uncertainty is a part of life.

What you can’t change, you need to learn to accept. Uncertainty is a part of everyone’s life, and the surest path towards peace and contentment is the one of radical acceptance. Many recovering people have adopted the serenity prayer as a guide to life. The wisdom in life is learning which things you can change and which things you can’t. Those things you can change are where you should apply your efforts. The things that are out of your control, and often that is most everything in your life, those are the things you need to learn to accept. Spending a lot of time insisting that things must be the way you want them takes you away from doing the things you can do.

Learn to manage your worry.

Limit your worrying to the things that may be within your control. Restrict your worry to a limited number of likely possibilities. Do everything you can to prepare for these things. Don’t waste time trying to worry about every possible outcome. The idea that worrying about things can somehow protect you from them is one of the great fallacies of life. Preparation protects you. Stop worrying and start doing the things you need to do.

When uncertain devoid getting into fear.

Fear is not necessarily either a good or bad emotion. It’s how you interpret fear. Fear should tell you there’s a danger, and you need to do something about that danger. Don’t let your fears take control of you. Bravery is feeling the fear but moving forward anyway.

Most fear is based on faulty assumptions. People become afraid that they won’t get something they want. But the reality is that you won’t know whether what you wanted was a good thing until you got it. Another significant cause of fear is the fear of losing something you have. Unfortunately, nothing is permanent, and everything will pass away eventually. Don’t waste the time you have worrying about losing something.

Get into action to overcome uncertainty.

As you move into action, you have less need to worry about things that are out of your control. Take action on the things you can. In times of uncertainty, you need to prepare yourself for what may lie ahead. Learn new skills. Improve your relationships and your social support systems. Work on improving yourself so you will be better prepared for whatever might happen.

Improve your resiliency.

Everyone faces setbacks. Some people seem to get knocked down more often than others. Resiliency is the skill to bounce back from adversity. Don’t lose hope. Cultivate the ability to bounce back regardless of what happens to you. It’s not how many times you are knocked down; it’s how many times you get back up that matters.

How are you coping with uncertainty? Have you discovered any positive coping skills? Please feel free to leave a comment below.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Drug Counseling Video #5. Case Management, Crisis Intervention, and Education.

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Drug Counseling Video #5. Case Management, Crisis Intervention, and Education.

Drug counselors need to understand the tasks involved in case management, crisis intervention, and education. This video discusses how to determine the dangers in the situation evaluate client’s resiliency and the process of placing clients on a legal hold or involuntary commitment. Drug and alcohol counselors often need to provide education to the client, their family, and the community.

Dysfunction Changes the Family-Alcohol Video 17

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Find video on Substance use disorders

Alcoholism and other dysfunction change the functioning of the family. Some families develop specific roles for family members. People who grow up in a dysfunctional family may develop specific characteristics and are sometimes called “adult children of alcoholics.” Increasing their resiliency is important for people who have grown up in a dysfunctional family.

Becoming more resilient.

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By David Joel Miller.

Resiliant

Resilient. 
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you get back up when life knocks you down?

Resiliency is the key to getting back up when life knocks you down. Resiliency is a skill that you can learn, but it requires practice. When you’re going through difficult times, it can be hard to imagine life getting better. Here are some tips for improving your resiliency and learning to bounce back from adversity.

Shift your focus from where you are to where you’re going.

When life has knocked you down, avoid wallowing in the mud. When your down, it is tempting to spend your time thinking about how bad things are and how unfair it is. It’s inviting to look for someone to blame. Don’t make the mistake of believing that there is something inherently wrong or defective about you. Don’t become paranoid and believe your difficulties are caused by others who are out to get you.

Do spend your time planning for and working to become the best person you can. Learn from your mistakes. Change what you can. Do the work you need to do to change where you are.

Strengthen or develop a support system.

Humans do best when they are part of a group. When times are tough, you will find out who your real friends are. If there are ruptures in your support system, try to repair those relationships that you can fix. Evaluate the people you spend your time with. Hang out with negative people, and you will become more negative. To be a healthy, happy person, you need to have positive people in your life.

Stay connected to family, friends, faith, support systems, and your community. When times are hard, your connections are vital. Friendships cannot be one-way streets. If someone only takes from you but never gives, that’s not a friend. If you have a particular faith or religion, make sure you stay connected. Stay involved in positive things in your community.

Contribute to the world around you.

Doing things to make the world a better place will improve your self-esteem and self-confidence. Do what you can. It’s not necessary to donate large amounts to causes. If you can afford to, give small amounts of money. More important than the money you give, is the time and the giving of yourself.

The smile you give some may be exactly what they needed. If you give a smile, you may get one in return.

Identify the areas in your life you can control.

Sometimes bad things happen, and they are out of your control. You may have an illness. You didn’t pick that sickness. Pretending you’re not ill will not help. Suffering in silence is not a virtue.

What you can do may be significant. You can see a doctor. You can take your medicine as prescribed. You can illuminate unhealthy habits. Quit smoking, give up or reduce your drinking. Get plenty of sleep. Get up off the couch and move around as much as you are able.

When you start looking for the things that are in your control you may find many opportunities to improve your life. Small improvements here and there can add up.

Identify and develop your skills.

The situations in your life will change. The skills you learn in one situation may be useful in the next situation you encounter. Don’t focus on what you can’t do. Identify the strengths you have and build on them.

Develop the good parts of yourself.

Begin by identifying the good parts of you. If you have trouble thinking of those parts right now, ask yourself what a good friend might say about you. Maybe you’re creative. Some people are naturally curious, and they love to learn new things. Perhaps you are a kind person or someone who cares about fairness. Do you have a good sense of humor? Whatever your qualities look for ways to strengthen them and to build on them to create a better future.

Learn to manage stress.

Stress is a part of life. As long as you live, you will experience stress. Even good things can be stressful. Learn some simple stress reduction techniques. You may find that deep breathing can slow down the floods of emotion that can overwhelm you. Many stressful events have both good and bad features. Avoid focusing on only the distressing parts of the situation.

Practice coping with adversity.

Use the small, everyday problems as an opportunity to identify your strengths and to practice your coping skills. Coping with everyday irritations develops your coping skills for the big challenges in life.

Increase your self-confidence.

In parenting education, we tell people to build resiliency in children by catching them doing something right. Hopefully, you had people in your early life who gave you praise for the things you did well. If you didn’t get that praise, start today to recognize and acknowledge your accomplishments. If you have difficulty accepting, compliments learn to compliment yourself and receive the gift of a compliment rather than returning it as being of no value.

Avoid shaming and guilt-tripping yourself.

The field of positive psychology tells us that shame and negative motivation does not spur people to do better. Recognize what you can improve on but don’t fall into the trap of believing that calling yourself names and beating yourself up will result in doing better. Making a mistake does not make you a “bad person.”

Try to fix the things you can and accept the things you can’t. What other ways have you found to increase your resilience? What will you start doing today to create a better future?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Recovery, Resiliency and Healing from Pain.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ball recovery

Recovery and Resiliency.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you get through hard times?

Some people just have the uncanny ability to come through the hardest of times and bounce back.  Other people come from apparently wonderful backgrounds and still, they struggle.  How do those resilient people do that?  Most of us can think of people who have come through really trying times and it’s easy to understand how they can struggle with their life.  It takes a lot of effort to think of someone who has come from those difficult situations and still has been able to accomplish wonderful things.

Risk factors are about the causes of problems.

Stress is a major risk factor.  But not everyone who experiences stress ends up succumbing to problems.  Early life problems can put you at risk for adult difficulties.  Risk factors for mental health problems are just like risk factors for physical illness.  Just because and you have your risk factor for cancer does not mean that you will get it.  Having had a lot of risk factors in your past is not the whole story.

Strength or protective factors are what cause things to go right.

Protective factors can be either internal or external.  Sometimes it’s about the strength that a person finds inside themselves.  Other times it is about the resources that are available to them in the environment.

One major protective factor is the presence of one caring adult in a child’s life.  But an equally important protective factor is your locus of control.  Are you mainly taking in the opinions of others?  Or do you have the personal strength to do what you believe you should do and want to do?  Highly resilient people believe that what they do matters.  They believe that their results are based on their own efforts.  They think of themselves as capable and not victims.

Resilient people have the belief that what they do affects the outcome.

There’s a thing called learned helplessness in which people have been told or felt that they couldn’t do things so many times they give up trying.  Resilient people develop the belief that what they do matters that if they try hard enough they can do things.

Resiliency like willpower is a finite resource.

Resiliency is not infinite.  It’s hard to measure just how many times someone can be knocked down and still be able to get back that.  People seem to be able to get back up from one severe problem, but if that same person is knocked down repeatedly it becomes more difficult each time to get back up.

Resiliency is not something you’re just born with.

Resiliency is a skill that develops over time.  Having small life problems and learning how to successfully get past them helps to build resilience.  Having good life skills makes you more resilient.

Some people become more resilient as they grow older.

People who had little resiliency when they were children often learn and become more resilient as they grow older.  Learn all you can about resiliency and make it a point to learn from each setback or failure you encounter.

Not every difficulty needs to be traumatic.

Not every physically strenuous activity results in injury.  Many emotional events can be growth opportunities rather than causes of traumatic conditions.  People with more resources, emotional skills, support systems, or financial resources may be a better position to deal with life’s ups and downs.

Not every bad event is caused by you. Attribution.

Resilient people do not attribute every difficulty in life to a personal failing.  Be careful of your attributions.  Not everything that happens is about you.  Sometimes you can be the best person on earth and still bad things can happen to you.

Rumination can reduce resiliency.

Rumination, that common human characteristic of turning life’s difficulties over and over in your mind, increases the risk that you will become anxious or depressed.  Having an emotional problem such as anxiety or depression lower your ability to cope with other difficulties.

Take another look at where you are in life.  Look for ways that you may be able to increase your resilience.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Tips for Surviving Hard Times.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Surviving a rough road.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do resilient people get through the hard times?

Life is hard sometimes. People get sick, lose jobs, relationship break up. Things can get really tough. Some people get discouraged, fall into episodes of anxiety and depression. Other people are able to bounce back.

If you have depression or anxiety and it is holding you back, consider getting professional help. Resiliency, that ability to bounce back from life’s challenges is a skill that you can develop or improve. Here are some suggestions of things you can do to get through those life challenges.

1. Do not spend time thinking about how bad things are.

When you get knocked down one common reaction is to spend lots of time thinking about your setback. How did this happen? What could I do differently?

Ruminating, that endless rehashing what happened to knock you down can keep you stuck in the down position. Use this time to look for solutions not to endlessly remind yourself how unfair things are.

Sometimes life is unfair. Sometimes things happen that should not happen. The difference between people who find their lives ruined and those who go on to overcome is all about attitude.

2. Accept that life has its ups and downs.

This is a real life. Things do not follow those storybook plots. Everyone has setbacks. People who were “instant” or “overnight” successes often spent years practicing. Many successful people failed several times before they discovered the thing that they were good at.

More than once an athlete has stumbled and fallen only to get back up and complete the race. Sometimes they were able to win despite that fall.

If you stay down you create your own defeat.

3. Do not catastrophize.

We, humans, have the ability to exaggerate things in the extreme. The student fails one test and begins to tell themselves that they will never pass another test. They will fail in school, “never” get a good job, and “always” be poor.

Do not fall into “black and white thinking.” People are not either winners or losers. No one wins everything every time. One setback does not make you a loser. Slip into those mindsets and you lose out on the successes you have had.

4. View setbacks as opportunities to improve your game.

Highly resilient people look at setbacks as a lesson learned. If you fail at something you may need to change your approach or change your game.

Winners practice the skills they are deficient in. We all like to do things we are good at but those who look at their errors as chances to improve take their game to a whole nother level.

5. Start by changing yourself.

It is less painful to blame our tough times on others, on the economy, our ex, or an unreasonable boss. The highly resilient person knows that spending time on why things are others faults will not change things. Most of us have tried our whole lives to make others change to suit us.

Every teen tries to change their parents. Wives try to change husbands and husbands try to change wives. You may have some small successes in getting others to change but the great lesson in life is that if you change yourself that forces others to alter the way they interact with you.

It is always easier and more productive to look at how you can alter your thinking and behavior and as a result, produce a better outcome.

6. Do not waste time insisting things be your way.

Things do not always go our way. Continuing to insist that things “must” or “should” be some particular way is a waste of your time and energy.

This does not mean that you have to accept bad or hurtful situations. Stop insisting things change and change yourself, your reaction to things, and your behavior.

If you do not like the way things are going stop complaining and start taking action.

7. Sometimes not getting what you want is a good thing.

Many times in life we will not get the things we wanted. Or we get what we wanted but not when we wanted them. That just may be a good thing.

Getting one job may keep you from continuing to look and finding a better one. Often a failed romance will result in meeting someone else that is an even better match.

8. Some losses are an inherent part of the cycle of life.

Not every loss is a good thing but it may be a necessary thing. As we age we lose things. We can’t walk as well or lift as much. People, friends, and relatives leave our life. Some through death and some just drift away. These losses can be painful. They can also be an opportunity for growth.

How we handle the loss of our parents becomes a model for how our children will cope with losing us.

9. Do not confuse the journey with the destination.

Most of us do not start our life wealthy, successful, and accomplished. Life is a journey. You grow and develop or you become stuck and decline. Do not despair because you are not where you want to be. Keep moving forward and you can be amazed at how things can change.

Recovering people often despair in those early days of reaching the goals they believe they should already have met. Over time they can accomplish more than they ever dreamed.

10. See the good in your current situation.

Not working right now? Does this mean that you can spend more time with your children or spouse? Not in a relationship at this time? This may be your one and only time in life to learn who you are and to have time just for yourself.

11.  Notice the small pleasures.

If you are crying because you do not have a rose garden you miss the pleasure from the one flower you do have. Enjoy your friends, your family, and your leisure. Relish what you can buy rather than bemoan that you can’t afford the best or the most expensive.

12. Love and accept yourself.

You are a worthwhile person simply because you are you. Do not despair because you compare yourself to someone else. There are always others with more. Remember that they may also be unhappy and struggling. Do not envy what others have unless you know what they had to give up and go through to get there.

If you really know what sacrifices that other person had to make to get where they are you might not want to make those efforts.

13. Give yourself credit for the things you accomplish.

One sure way to stay stuck in failure is to attend only to your errors. Whatever you focus on you get more of and eventually if you keep looking for the failure your brain will create more disappointments.

To build resilience, to really improve your ability to bounce back from adversity, learn to give yourself a round of applause for each and everything you accomplish.

Cumulatively a string of small victories can add up to a major victory. Anything you accomplish is a win. Make sure you mark those things you do well down and hold onto those memories so they can carry you through the hard times.

14. Aim high but be happy with all your accomplishments.

We humans have a decided tendency to be unrealistic in our expectations. Some of us aim so low that we never miss the mark. The trouble with aiming at nothing is that is precisely what you hit – nothing.

Other of us aim so high that no one, not even a superhuman could reach that mark. Then when we fail to hit that sky-high mark we alibi our failure by saying – well what did you expect.

Resilient people aim high but are pleased with whatever accomplishments they achieve. Practice these ways to cope in times of stress.

What other techniques have you found that help you bounce back when life knocks you down?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

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