Author Archives: David Joel Miller

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About David Joel Miller

David Miller is a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Clinical Counselor, faculty member at a local college, certified trainer and writer.

Don’t think about elephants

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Elephant.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

For the balance of the time you are reading this blog – please do not think about any elephants.

I know this may be difficult for some of you but whatever you do – do not think about the elephants.

No cheating now.

Do not think about African elephants.

Please do not think about those big gray Indian elephants.

It would be especially important to not think about circus elephants or pink elephants or even cartoon elephants like Dumbo.

So how did you do? Did you think about even one little elephant?

Most of you did think about an elephant, didn’t you?

This short exercise illustrates how difficult it is for a person who has a problem, any problem, to avoid the problem by not thinking about it. The very effort to not think about the problem immediately makes us think of – the thing we were trying to avoid.

Lots of people try to solve their other problems in the same way. Let’s not think about them. Substance abusers who try to not think about their drug of choice spend all their day with the thoughts of that drug running through their heads. Dieters have the same problem, the more they try to think about not overeating the more food intrudes on their thoughts.

So what should you do?

You can’t just sit and think about your problems either that is called brooding. The more you ruminate the more depressed and anxious you will become.

There are two approaches to solving the problem of constant unwanted thoughts.

Do something. Many problems grow the longer you avoid them. Sometimes this is described as – while you are inside hiding from the problem the difficulty is outside doing push-ups. The longer you avoid the trouble the large it looms. Financial problems and unhealthy lifestyles are the most likely to grow. The sooner you take action to cut spending, raise your income, take a second job or just accept that your dream house or toy is really out of reach the sooner you can begin making progress towards solving the problem.

The other approach, the one especially recommended for addictions and other habits that seem to own you is stop trying to not think about the bad habit and begin to focus wholeheartedly on positive things. What would your life be like without that elephant you have allowed to live in your living room? Focus on the new pattern or activity you want to replace the unwanted tendency.

How do you decide which method will be most successful?

If you do nothing will the issue you are avoiding eventually destroy you? Addictions will, a mounting debt will. Unhealthy lifestyles, like smoking, will eventually shorten or end your life. Doing nothing should never be an option.

Unhealthy habits like addictions can never be overcome by sitting passively and resisting the urges. As a counselor, I don’t try to take an unhealthy behavior away from someone, which leaves them empty and hurting. Instead, we try to find something desirable, worthy, and uplifting to replace the burden the client is trying to put down.

So, in the end, the best successes for changing your life and improving the self comes not from struggling to avoid something but from finding a new positive goal to move towards.

As many a twelve-stepper will tell you, the greatest progress towards recovery comes in the times when we seek to do something for someone else. Trying to be of services to others, thinking of how we might help them always takes us further away from our own defects of character.

Here is wishing you a happy journey towards whatever happy life goal you decide to pursue.

P. S. The picture is from Wikimedia Commons.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How much is Two Times Algebra Two?

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How much is Two Times Algebra Two?

Kids complain that their parents don’t help them with homework enough. Some parents confide in me that they don’t know how to help their kids. Now I know I took Algebra Two back in high school. Though I now think the half-life of that knowledge is shorter than the half-life of Hassiam, which I am told is somewhere around 8 seconds. So what am I to do when a child asks for help on Algebra Two or worse yet Chemistry with all the elements that have been invented since I completed school just after the last Ice age?

What do parents do who didn’t take these classes or who did not have the opportunity to complete their schooling? We probably don’t want to tell kids “I haven’t used that since I was in school” or anything that might imply that learning new material is unimportant. Even if kids don’t ever use a particular piece of knowledge the process of learning how to learn is important for success in this modern age. So what can a parent do to help their child?

Someone sent me a solution to this problem. And it is FREE! Yes, you read that right. Yes, this is a free homework helper and in the child’s own language. Kids are digital natives. I start to feel like a visitor from a distant galaxy when exposed to new technology, but kids get this stuff right away. So here is the solution.

Check out the Khan Academy – free online videos on everything from Basic Addition starts with the one plus one stuff all the way up to Trig and Calculus and stuff like that. Not just math here either. They’ve got videos on Science and History and even some cool stuff that parents might want to learn.

So check them out. Here is the web address: http://www.khanacademy.org/

Let me know what you think. Just don’t stop coming back here. Pleeeeease –

Look at all the suggestions for things to write about that I am receiving from Blogees (Is that near a word? What do you call recurrent Blog readers and subscribers?)  You may see a couple of extra posts this month besides my usual Sunday one.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Great New Training on Mental Health

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Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) is a great new training. If you are not familiar with this training you should check it out. Designed for the non-professional, it teaches you how to react and how to be helpful if you encounter someone who is having a mental health crisis. Created in Australia the program has now come to the United States. The two-day, twelve-hour interactive class covers the major kinds of mental illnesses and how to help a friend, family member, or someone you might meet who is experiencing mental health problems. Sponsored by the Maryland Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, Missouri Department of Mental Health, and The National Council for Community Behavioral Healthcare there are now certified trainers throughout the United States.

Here in California’s central valley, there are over a hundred certified trainers. Certified trainers in Fresno have put on numerous trainings over the last year. I became so enthusiastic about this program that I took the training and became a certified trainer. So far I and a co-facilitator have completed three trainings. All of our trainings were enjoyable to do and well attended. In the coming year, we plan to offer the training at least three more times. We are currently looking for a larger room or a sponsoring agency. If you want more information on my trainings please email me or watch this blog for posts on upcoming trainings.

If you are not near Fresno you can check the Mental Health First Aid USA website at http://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/cs/program_overview/ for a listing of courses in your area. The training comes with a detailed book for reference after the class. So whether we see you in one of our trainings here in Fresno, or you take it from another trainer, this is one class well worth taking.

Thanks to all of you who are reading this blog, subscribing, and passing it on.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Giving in to peer pressure

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Parenting.

Parenting.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why do we tell kids to resist peer pressure?

People who are really good at resisting peer pressure end up in places like jail, prison, and mental hospitals. They become rapists, murderers, and people no one wants to be around. So why do we keep talking about teaching kids to resist peer pressure?

Humans are social animals. We look around and see what other people are doing and we copy them. That’s what we are supposed to do. That’s how society and cultures hold together. We hope kids will get a job and work and raise a family just like everyone else. That is what peers are doing. So why do we keep telling them to resist peer pressure?

We should be telling kids to give in to peers, that’s what we all know they will do sooner or later.

There is an oft-repeated saying – “Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are.” It is truer than we realize. Rather than spending our time, or should I say wasting it, on teaching kids to resist peer pressure, we should be encouraging them to pick good peers. Hang out with the winners and you become a winner – spend all your time with the losers and you – well you get the idea.

If you hang out in a barbershop you will get a haircut. If you hang out in a crack house you will smoke crack and if you spend time in a bar you will drink. So why are we surprised when kids hand out with “stoners” and get stoned? And why at that point do we go on a crash course in trying to teach them to resist peer pressure?

Waiting till your teen is a stoner to talk about peers is like heading out across Death Valley, on foot, without water, and then complaining about your thrust. You just now thought of that?

So what should a parent do? Start young. Know your children’s friends. Spend time with them and with their parents when possible. Encourage your child to do positive things. Think you’re too busy for that? Well, you probably won’t be too busy for their court date or worse.

Anything a parent can do to encourage their kid to be involved in something positive is like an immunization against problems later on.

This isn’t just true for our children. It is something we should be practicing ourselves.

What are your thoughts on peers, peer pressure, and the impact it has had on you and yours?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Anxiety is like a cat!

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Stray cat

Feral cat.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Anxiety is like a cat!

What exactly is anxiety? And what is an anxiety disorder?

Well to some people it looks like a kitten.

And to others, it looks like a lion.

A little anxiety can feel like a small cat rubbing on your leg, a bit of an annoyance but nothing you can’t handle. It can push you to try harder. It is the stage fright that keys up the performer to go all out and give the performance of their life.

For others, Anxiety is the lion that keeps you off the stage of life. It is a terrifying disorder that tries to eat you alive.

Anxiety disorders are the most common emotional problem in America. In any one year, approximately one in five Americans will have an episode of anxiety that is severe enough to interfere with their everyday functioning, an episode so severe they should go for treatment.

Dictionaries define anxiety as a feeling, worry, nervousness, agitation, fear, or apprehension. The symptoms can interfere with every system in the body. Anxiety symptoms are often mistaken for physical illnesses and send millions of people repeatedly to the doctor looking for a physical cause of an emotional problem.

Now if you have a physical problem, by all means, see your doctor. But if the problem keeps changing, if the doctor can’t find anything wrong with you, then the problem may be emotional. That does not mean the problem is “all in your head” it is there, but it is everywhere in your body also, and there are treatments for anxiety.

Robert Sapolsky wrote a really cool book, called “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers” which explains how your fears can essentially hijack your body and show up by making you sick. I highly recommend this book to counselors and therapists who want to understand anxiety and want to help people with this problem. But what if you or your child is suffering from anxiety. And I do mean SUFFERING? What if you just want to get your life back?

There are ways to turn the volume down on anxiety, shrink that cat down to a manageable size. I am not saying to get rid of anxiety altogether. If there is a real live lion chasing you, or a gang banger with a gun, some fear and anxiety is a good thing. Under those circumstances, anxiety might save your life. If your fears are keeping you from having a life, what then?

A good counselor or therapist can help you shrink those fears. There are self-help books that help also. A good counselor can help you learn and practice skills to stop anxiety in its tracks. The difficulty here is they will probably see you an hour a week, now you got 167 hours to go before your next appointment. What now? This is where a good self-help book can help, especially if you talk it over with a professional and practice the skills. A book is also helpful if you need to help a child get over their anxiety.

One book that I find helpful for managing anxiety is Tamar Chansky’s book “Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries, and Phobias.  She has lots of good techniques for reducing and controlling anxiety. She does some creative things like using a “Fear Extinguisher” and a “Fear Thermometer” as well as some of the standbys like creating incompatible emotion states by using humor or relaxation to reduce anxiety.

So is anger a problem for you? How do you reduce or control your anger? And if you are a counselor and work with clients with anxiety – What do you find the most effective approach?

There will be more on this topic to come, and please feel free to comment on this or any other topic in my blog. Till next week. David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stress

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Stressed

Feeling stressed out?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Stress!

“Can you feel the stress in this room?”

The person next to me bent over and whispered in my ear. “Yes,” I replied. “I have never felt it this strongly,” they said.

Are you feeling it too?

These days people are collapsing under stress as never before. Fear is stalking us.

We are daily reminded of two wars – should we make that three – and counting? Housing prices continue to crumble; most homeowners are underwater if they haven’t lost their home to foreclosure already. Unemployment is up – stubbornly up. In my area, unemployment flirts with the 20% mark. Is it any wonder we are stressed?

The gridlock in Washington hasn’t reduced the stress level of anyone I know. Did I hear that right – politicians almost let us default on the NATIONAL DEBT! And the stock market makes my stomach hurt worse than any roller coaster I ever rode on. Consumer confidence is near the bottom. Did I read that right – one credit card company emailed me a warning – I did not owe them anything but they were warning me THEY didn’t have the money to lend me?

Are company presidents really bragging about the number of American jobs they have eliminated?  It is not just the low-skilled unemployed that are out of work. People with college degrees are unable to find jobs; some are running out of unemployment benefits. And the once safe place – government employment – has become a scary place as huge numbers of government employees at all levels are being laid off.

There was a time when the way to escape economic uncertainty was to go back to school, usually to college, and get a degree. A degree is still a wonderful thing, but occupations are changing so rapidly a degree is no guarantee of finding a job.

California has traditionally been the land of second chances. And third and fourth … But as the budgets shrink colleges everywhere are raising tuition, cutting classes, and capping enrollment  So even if someone chooses to go back to school there are no guarantees of admission, classes, or a career afterward. That is causing students a lot of stress.

Being a parent is even more stressful. Lots of kids are not finishing school. The numbers going to juvenile halls show no sign of declining. Teen pregnancies and drug use are everywhere you look. If parents had known the risks beforehand we might not have become parents.

It’s only adults that stress right? Kids don’t understand stress, right? They don’t know we are stressed, we are hiding it well. Wrong! The hospital emergency rooms are seeing those kids. I read on the internet, a study which said over the last ten years the number of children admitted to psychiatric hospitals has continued to rise. These are kids who say they want to commit suicide, kids who wish they were never born, or they wish that they were dead.

No, not every kid says that, but the numbers who do are rising. Kids who never before knew what homelessness meant are learning the hard way. Kids tell me they have moved 3 – 4 – 7 times or more because the family couldn’t pay the rent. Several families move in together in a house too small for one family.

Some kids get kicked out of school. I am seeing a wave of home-schooled; self-taught students who couldn’t be kept in the classroom anymore because of their behavior – or their parent’s behavior.

Lots of those kids who end up in contact with the official system, welfare, Child protective services, juvenile hall, where are their parents? They are in prison and jail. In our society, for a long time, one in three black men went to prison. But the numbers are changing now. More Hispanics, more women, and more white men are going to prison. Nowadays everyone gets a chance to do time.

Our prisons are overcrowded and soon we will have to start letting people out to make room for the new prisoners.

Some kids are looking forward to seeing their parents freshly released from prison; some are scared for the same reason.

It’s the drugs, right? We have been fighting the war on drugs so long, our battle flag is torn and covered in blood. More children and younger ones are trying drugs. Some are doing drugs with their parents; others are stealing their parent’s drugs.

And it’s not just the same old drugs, six new drugs, maybe more, have arrived on the streets of America in the last couple of years. Some of these drugs aren’t illegal yet. Most don’t show on the hospital screening tests. And the kids who tell me they are using drugs – they keep getting younger and younger.

And the drugs that hurt the most are not the rare illegal ones. They are not the ones that sneak in through the windows but the ones that we openly carry in the front door. Alcohol and Tobacco-related deaths account for over 95 percent of all drug-related deaths. Abused prescription drugs are in second place with all illegal drugs a distant third.

So what causes these children to succumb to all this stress?  Why do some parents cave in under the stress and others make it through? In the future, I will write more about my thoughts on withstanding stress, but now I would like to know –

What do you think?

How do you cope with stress?

How can those of us that are in the helping professions, counselors, therapists, doctors, nurses, and others – how can we help people to withstand these horrific levels of stress?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Here are the Spruce!!

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Counselorssoapbox.com

As promised the counselorssoapbox blog has been spruced up.

So why do we call the spring cleaning “sprucing up”

Like so many other words and expressions we use here in America, we got this one from our Country-Ancestors in the UK. Originally spruce items, like the trees, were things imported or originating in Prussia. One thing Prussia was especially known for in the pre-colonial days was fancy leather goods. So back then to “spruce up” was to put on your fancy leather jacket. Later it came to mean to get dressed up or to fix up your looks. So we have both imported some spruce tree pictures for this occasion and cleaned up the site. For more information on this and other UK expressions that made their way to America please see – phrases.org.uk.

One of the new features on the blog is a section about the books I have been writing. None of the books are published just yet but I wanted to share the process and the progress I was making on these projects. Two of my novels are in the editing and sending to the agent stage, more on them later.

My major non-fiction book project is about all the things beginning counselors need to learn to become helping as opposed to unhelpful counselors. It currently has the working title “How to do counseling” While working on this project I have had to do a lot of research on books for counselors and on books counselors might suggest to their clients. In my own private therapy practice, I sometimes do what we counselor types call “Bibliotherapy” which is suggesting books for our clients to read.

So as the project progresses I would like to tell you about some of the books I have read that might interest you. You will be able to see some short book revues about counseling, therapy, recovery and resiliency, and other “having a happy life” books. As the list grows there will be a list of recommended books and resources.

If you have a particular favorite helping book email me or make a comment on the blog.

Till next time wishing you a happy life. David Miller, LMFT, NCC.

One last Spruce

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Blog Renovation

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Blog Renovation is almost complete.

Counselorssoapbox blog has been undergoing renovation. We moved a few buttons, sharpened a few widgets, and plan to spruce the place up as soon as we can find a spruce or two. Counseling classes will be back in session next week. I will see some of you there. It’s time for me to sharpen the quills and get back to writing. Watch for several new blogs soon. Feel free to comment or email me if there is a topic you would like to read about. If you would rather not read anymore- you are on the wrong blog- try a political one! We are all going to be a lot tired of them and way too soon. Looking forward to talking with all of you once again.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Should men ever go for therapy? Or be therapists?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counselorssoapbox.com

Should men ever go for therapy? Should men be therapists?

Wondering what you think about this? A friend sent me a copy of an article that said there are fewer male therapists than ever before and that some men prefer to talk to another man about their problems. Now I know there are lots of fine female therapists, but this got me thinking. Do the characteristics of the therapist affect the results? Gender roles are such a huge issue in our culture. Male clients have told me it is hard for them to relate to a female therapist. Men, some men, if I may stereotype here, want to solve problems, get it done. Women seem to always want to talk about feelings, those pesky things many men wish they didn’t have. In couples counseling, I find men are willing to talk about feelings if that will make their partner happy but in fact, they would rather just solve the problem whatever that is, and get on with things. Women seem to care more about feelings than men, that Mars and Venus stuff if you will. Ever since women’s lib moved center stage men have been expecting that for women to be liberated somehow it must be their fault that the woman did not feel liberated in the first place. We are used to being blamed for a lot. But why do we need to pay to be blamed?  Many in the therapy field come to the business because of healing their own hurts. Men have told me that they felt that the female therapist sided with the woman, decide it was all the man’s fault, and promptly suggested that she would be better off without him anyway. This is not what they signed on for in coming to therapy. I am sure women have felt dismissed and unheard by some male therapists also. One very effective form of family therapy has been multifamily group therapy led by a man and a woman who can model appropriate behavior towards the other gender. This type of treatment is not available very often. So yes, I find that there are times when a male client will benefit from seeing a male therapist. Male children and adolescents might benefit from seeing a man who can talk about his feelings. Unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer men who are entering the counseling field, leaving us with a shortage of male therapeutic role models. Today I am thinking that “gender-specific treatment” shouldn’t be all about treatment for women.  Last time I counted there were at least two genders, maybe more. Just my thoughts. So what do you think? Appropriate comments welcomed.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Counseling as a Novel Relationship

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Counseling involves a novel relationship between the client and the counselor.

By novel, I mean new and original, unlike others in the client’s life, not novel as in fictional long story sense, though there are elements of the relationship that are fictional and we need to avoid moving the relationship that happens in the counseling room out into the real world. We do encourage the client to use the sessions to learn and practice new skills that they will be using in their other relationships.

The most commonly talked about relationships are the romantic, sexual ones. But everyone in their lifetime has a host of other equally important relationships. We are first children of parents, grandchildren, siblings, cousins, and other relatives. We may have more distant relationships with parent’s friends, neighbors, neighbor’s children, and others we meet. In school we have teacher-student relationships and peer relationships, quickly follow by coworker and boss relationships and those most problematic romantic relationships until at last, we reach the parent-child relationship again, this time as the parent. Drug addicts and alcoholics develop a relationship with their drug of choice that is often more primary than any other relationship in their life.

While some of these relationships are therapeutic, and some may be destructive, none are quite like the relationship a client and a counselor develop.

The counseling relationship is therapeutic because it involves “unconditional positive regard” for the client. Clients, even young children, have been in many relationships before they get to counseling but it is unlikely that any are as nonjudgmental as the counseling relationship. Family and work relationships are and need to be judgmental.  The counselor is prepared to hear anything the client says and while they may not like something the client has done, they should continue to have regard for the client.

Counseling relationships develop into extremely intimate emotional relationships. For a brief time each week two people meet and the client tells the counselor their thoughts, their desires, their fantasies, and their frustrations knowing that their secrets are or should be solely between client and counselor. Keeping these secrets and not betraying the client’s trust is one of the highest responsibilities of the counselor. Outside of a few legal “mandates” like suicide and child abuse, clients can tell counselors anything even past crimes, knowing the counselor wants to help them change.

So for that brief moment in life, the therapy hour, the client can suspend their caution, and build trust by practicing self-disclosure with a caring professional.  The therapy hour can be a corrective emotional experience working through past hurts. It can also be a laboratory for the client to learn and practice new interpersonal skills. The time can be support during crisis or consultation for life’s choices and changes. In that hour the client opens their inner world to another human being expecting that they will be cared for and not judged.

When that hour ends, the client takes this experience with them into the outside-of –therapy-world knowing that their secrets and conflicts are safe. When two people connect in therapy it can be magical, but the real recovery, the real healing takes place in the living of life after therapy.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel