Category Archives: Personality

Wrapping up 2025 and my life

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Changing your life

Time for a life change?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Wrapping up 2025 and my life.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist, Counselor, and Certified Life Coach.

There is less than a week to go in 2025, and I’m already thinking about all those things I wanted to do this year that didn’t get done. I’m also very mindful of all the things I hadn’t planned on that I did, or that happened to me.

Since I was born before 1950, I’m painfully aware that the century of my birthday disappeared long before I was ready to leave it and that my time on earth may well be running out. That started me thinking about the meaning of life and all the things that I have learned while making this journey.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m in no rush to exit this earth. I have told my romantic partner that I have definite plans for my 100th birthday and that she is an essential part of those plans.

There are two contrary forces setting the course of our lives as we age. We have that process of constantly learning new things and having new experiences. At the same time, aging results in some very necessary losses.

Having passed my 75th birthday and rapidly approaching my 80th, I am acutely aware that some things will become more difficult and some things may well become impossible. I’m not especially resigned to that process.

I have told my clients over the last year, and those few friends who will listen, that I have been learning far more about the process of getting old than I ever wanted to know. Entering is just the most recent change in a long string of life changes I’ve experienced. Because people are living longer and the percentage of older people in the population has been growing, there’s more notice being paid to these issues. Still, the principles involved in undergoing change are remarkably similar regardless of what change you are experiencing.

Within that process of aging, each person undergoes certain transitions. Of course, the process of undergoing transitions is not limited to the old or the almost old. The events that happened during COVID. Since roughly 2020, the process of transitional change has accelerated.

In my work as a therapist and counselor, many of my clients are undergoing life transitions. I wanted to get a head start on the blog posts for the year 2026 with this introductory post. During the coming year, as time permits and as my own life transitions allow, I want to talk some more about transitions, navigating those transitions, and, as always, how to have the best life possible.

Life essentially is one transition after another. Each person undergoes transitions as they move from one age group to another. Some people move from house to house or even from family to family. It’s common to move from school to school. And in this process, we undergo a series of new relationships.

Life will also bring economic transitions. There are major life milestones like graduation from school, job and career changes, and achieving certain privileges, such as a driver’s license. Somewhere in the later years, a time we rarely want to think about until it’s forced upon us, sooner or later, most of us will lose abilities and those privileges we worked so hard to achieve.

I thought I would recap for you what I’ve learned about navigating life’s transitions, from my own experiences, the experiences of my clients, and the books and research I have read. Forgive me if this doesn’t progress smoothly and if I take some detours into areas of knowledge I think might be useful to others undergoing one of life’s transitions. Along the way, I would like to share some of the lessons I’ve learned, in the hope that they might be helpful to someone else who is moving along life’s journey.

If any of these topics are relevant to you or to someone in your life, I hope you’ll read these blog posts and share your comments.

Best wishes to everyone in the year 2026 and beyond.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Recently, I began working with a telehealth company called Grow Therapy. If you’d like to make an appointment to work with me, contact them, and they can do the required paperwork and show you my available appointments. The link for making an appointment to talk with me is: David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC. 

Life coaching clients must be working toward a specific problem-solving goal. Coaching is not appropriate if you have a diagnosable mental health problem. Also, life coaching is not covered by insurance. If you think life coaching for creativity or other life goals might be right for you, contact me directly.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller.

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel.

What gives your life meaning and purpose?

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What gives your life meaning and purpose?

Meaning and Purpose.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What gives your life meaning and purpose?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Have you found your life’s meaning and purpose?

Knowing why you are living life the way you have been is often more important than learning how to live that life. Discovering your life’s meaning and purpose is a challenging task. Having a meaning and purpose for your life is one of the principal components of creating a satisfying, flourishing life. Some people would call this a happy life, and in the future blog post, I want to explore the components of creating a happy life.

In his hierarchy of needs, Maslow places meaning and purpose, along with mastery, at the highest apex of his list, in a category he calls self-actualization. Many people spend their lives struggling to meet the basic physiological needs for food, water, air, and shelter. In this era of high material possessions, there are still people who struggle to meet these basic needs. But once those needs are fulfilled, people’s attention turns to the more abstract needs. Chief among those abstract needs are meaning, purpose, and mastery.

In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankel described what he learned about struggle and the meaning of life while a prisoner in a concentration camp. One of the lessons he learned is that if you have a “why for your living,” you can survive almost any how.

In my counseling and therapy practice, many clients come to me with issues of anxiety and depression. Some come to talk about jobs and relationships. Others come to counseling because they struggle with substance use and abuse. They can usually tell me that what they have been doing hasn’t been making them happy. What most people can’t tell me is what gives their life meaning and purpose. If the life you’re living has no purpose, how can you achieve more than fleeting, temporary happiness?

The search for meaning and purpose in life requires a conscious effort. Once you find the thing that makes your life worth living, whatever challenges you face become far less daunting. Clients often ask me how they should go about finding their meaning and purpose. I can suggest a lot of homework and processes to find your meaning and purpose, but identifying the one thing that might give your life meaning and purpose is often a matter of serendipity. You will never find what you’re looking for unless you’re out looking for it, and then, if you’re lucky, you may discover something that makes all the struggles of life worthwhile.

The first question to answer is, “Who are you?”

Now, by “who are you?” I don’t mean your name, the job you do, or the home you live in. In defining who you are, it’s important to look at much more than your surface characteristics. In the course of your lifetime, you will spend more time with yourself than with any other person.

Wherever you go, when you wake up in the morning, you will be there. It’s essential that you develop a good relationship with yourself. Come to know everything there is to know about that person you call you.

Remember that who you are is likely to change across your lifespan. I know from personal experience that the David Joel Miller of 2024 is nothing like the David Joel Miller of 2000 or the David Joel Miller of 1960.

Here’s a list of some things you may want to explore.

  1. Your values.

By values, I don’t mean things like honesty, bravery, and thriftiness. Those abstract qualities that we used to attribute to good character or good breeding. Those kinds of character values are fleeting and often appear in one situation and not another. What I’m talking about when I say your values is much more concrete.

Think about what things really matter to you. Is it money and physical possessions? Are your relationships your priority, and if so, which relationships? How important are your spiritual and political views?

  1. Your personality.

When I say personality, I’m talking about your likes and dislikes. Think about your preferences. In the midst of winter, would you rather be inside curled up with a good book or outside playing in the snow? Do you like the crowd and excitement, or would you prefer a quiet walk alone in the woods?

Clinical and research psychologists spend a lot of time studying personality and giving personality tests and inventories. Enough has been written about personality to fill a good-sized library. Mental health professionals rarely diagnose personality problems unless it has a severe impact on someone’s functioning.

You will find more articles I’ve written about personality in the category labeled aptly enough “Personality.”

  1. Your goals.

You’re going to be you for a long time, and learning a little bit about setting and achieving goals will benefit you greatly. There are several excellent books and some trainings on how to set and accomplish goals. Time permitting, I’ll try to help out here by writing a few posts about goals. Feel free to leave any questions about goals in the comments or use the contact me form.

  1. Your roles in life.

Everyone plays a variety of roles in life. You wouldn’t be reading this if you hadn’t been someone’s son or daughter. In your lifetime, you may also play the role of mother or father and eventually a grandmother or grandfather. You are also likely to play the role of a partner and a friend. Then, again, you may not play any of those roles. Your occupation is possibly a role you will fulfill. Some people fill the roles of leaders, and others are followers.

In a day, a person may play various roles at home, at work, in their spiritual life, and in their leisure time. Think about which of those roles adds to your life’s meaning and purpose. One of these roles may be your life’s defining meaning and purpose, but then again, it’s possible that all these roles simply aid in your pursuit of some other meaning and purpose.

  1. Your aspirations.

When you think about aspirations, it’s crucial to distinguish between what you want to do and who you want to be. One exercise that counselors sometimes use to help people define their aspirations in life is to ask them to write their obituary the way they would like it to appear in the newspaper after they die. Trying to sum up your entire life in a paragraph can bring your many aspirations and goals into sharp focus.

  1. Who are your heroes, and who has been influential in your life?

Role models and heroes often lay down the path we follow throughout our lives. Think carefully about who influences you. I’ve heard it said that we become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Spending time doesn’t have to be a matter of physical presence. What people, living and dead, real or fictional, do you spend a lot of time thinking about? Trying to emulate their lives may be one of the things that gives your life meaning and purpose. Remember that bracelet, WWJD?

I hope some of these ideas have gotten you started on the journey of self-exploration and discovering what gives your life meaning and purpose.

If 2024 turns out the way I’m hoping it will, I plan to write more posts about each of these areas of personal exploration.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Have you seen the unseen other?

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Ghost

Unseen other.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Have you seen the unseen other?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Have you ever felt the presence of someone you couldn’t see?

I’ve recently came across an interesting podcast from the British psychological society about just this topic. Dr. Jon Sutton, editor of The Psychologist magazine, talks to Dr. Ben Alderson-Day, an Associate Professor at Durham University who has written a book about this kind of experience.

Experiencing the feeling that there was someone close by that you could not see is a relatively common phenomenon. This kind of experience has been described a lot by people who are in conditions of sensory deprivation. Skiing through a blinding snowstorm requires using senses other than vision to navigate. People who dive in darkened caves may experience things beyond the range of human sight.

We’re pretty confident that just because I don’t see a person hiding in the darkness in the alley doesn’t mean they’re not there. But how do we explain the times when I sense someone there who later jumps out at me?

Lack of perception doesn’t equal lack of existence.

When the idea of germs was first presented, people laughed at the possibility of tiny creatures we couldn’t see. Now that we have microscopes, a whole new universe of possibilities is visible. We also know that X-rays can pass through the body totally unnoticed. Just because I can’t see them doesn’t mean X-rays don’t exist.

In the early days of psychology and psychological research, a lot of attention was paid to the boundary between what we can perceive via the senses and what we might experience in the subconscious or unconscious realm.

Not everyone who looks at a painting or landscape sees the same details. Perceiving something others don’t experience doesn’t necessarily mean you have a mental disorder. Is it possible that some people perceive phenomena not readily available to our senses?

Altered perception, including hallucinations, doesn’t equal psychosis.

In the early part of my career, I worked in a locked psychiatric facility. In learning to diagnose, we had to pay a lot of attention to the differences between relatively normal perception and something that might indicate psychosis. Not everyone who sees something hears something, smell something, and so on has a diagnosable mental illness.

For most of these iffy experiences, we can come up with plausible explanations.

It’s common for people to believe that they hear someone calling their name, but when they look, no one is there. We dismissed this with the explanation that when the brain hears sounds, it can’t identify it makes them into a familiar word, and nothing is more familiar than your own name.

Should all religious experiences be dismissed as examples of psychosis?

There’s an exception in the diagnostic manual for hearing and seeing things in the context of a religious experience that we generally ignore. If you’re a Catholic and believe you have seen the Virgin Mary or some other Saint, That shouldn’t count towards a diagnosis of psychosis. But if Mary tells you to go to Walmart, fill up your shopping cart, and it’s all free, we believe that is moved from a religious experience into a delusion.

Should you ever trust your gut?

There’s a lot of good evidence that you should trust your gut. When you meet a new person, if you get an uneasy feeling, you probably should walk away. Plenty of advice tells you that you should trust your “felt sense” or intuition. There’s a lot of literature devoted to the idea that you can develop your intuition. Highly creative people, both in the arts and the sciences, often credit their advances to intuition. Since we can’t readily see intuition, it’s easy to be skeptical. But if you’ve ever had an experience where you’ve trusted your intuition, and you turned out to be right, you have to wonder if that was more than just a chance coincidence.

It’s important to get to know yourself, and one model of personality that’s often used is the Myers-Briggs personality inventory. Intuition is one of the personality characteristics that’s been widely studied. I don’t think anybody would believe that people who are high in intuition are inherently mentally ill.

Is there a difference between intuition and psychic abilities?

As much as modern psychology has endorsed the idea of intuition, its role in creating personality, and its value in making decisions, it’s equally likely that modern science will laugh at the existence of psychic abilities. Of course, not everybody defines intuition or psychic abilities in the same way. People who were high in intuition as very young children and have gone on to develop that as a part of their personality are very likely to think of themselves as having some sort of psychic abilities.

Why my sudden interest in intuition and psychic abilities?

Currently, I’m working on writing a series of books featuring Nancy Nusbaum, a character from one of my published novels. Nancy majored in journalism in college, but the only field placement she could find was writing articles for the Paranormal News. As part of her job, Nancy must investigate unusual, potentially paranormal events. Her series of adventures, vaguely reminiscent of the X-Files, will allow me to explore this area of what is normal, what is paranormal, and the distinction between intuition and psychic abilities.

Stay tuned for some blog posts about personality factors and getting to know yourself. If you’d like to read more about my fiction writing career and hear about the release of Nancy Nusbaum novels, check out my writing blog davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The four coordinates of self-discovery

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Self

Self-Discovery
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The four coordinates of self-discovery.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Your journey of self-discovery requires a map.

You will spend more time during your life with yourself than with any other person. So it makes sense to spend some of that time exploring yourself, who you are, and what life experiences made you think, feel, and behave the way you do.

One aspect of the self is your personality. It’s important to explore your personality and the life events that may have influenced your development of a sense of self. But the self is not an island. It’s more like a river that is constantly flowing downstream until it finally reaches the sea of destiny.

As you take the journey of self-exploration, there are four cardinal influences, like the four directions found on a map. These four factors influence how your personality develops from early childhood until late adulthood. Examining these factors can help show you where you are and what direction you should go in your effort at self-exploration.

Your relationships shape you.

Relationships are systemic influences. They will affect every other part of your life. The process of getting into and of leaving relationships changes you. By relationships here, I’m not restricting myself to your primary sexual relationship.

For good or bad, we have relationships with everyone we interact with. One of the most challenging relationships you’ll ever have to navigate will be your relationship with your exes. Romantic partners may come and go, but baby’s Mamas and daddies are forever. Even after you end a relationship, that time you spent with that other person leaves its mark on you.

One part of self-examination is to look at the relationships you’ve had, the friendships, the romantic relationships, and the people you met you decided you were better off without. Examine those relationships. Why were you attracted to this person? Was there a reason why you selected them for a friend? Or for a lover? Who you spend your time with and why tells you a lot about yourself.

Those bright shiny objects, meaning, purpose, and mastery.

Just like our attraction to people, we all have objects and activities that grab our attention. One of the most important things to discover about yourself is what gives your life meaning and purpose. Those important characteristics may be grand items like saving the planet are there might be many more personal ones like a collection of photographs of all the places on the planet you have visited.

One crucial human need that is often overlooked is the quest for mastery. Mastering something, no matter what it is, adds to your self-worth. When was the last time you took up a new hobby or practiced a new skill? Think about taking a class just for fun or picking up a new hobby.

Consider also what motivates you.

To understand what drives you get clear on your values. Be very careful about the mountains you choose to climb. A common calamity in life is getting to the top of whatever mountain you decided to climb and realizing you have been climbing the wrong peak.

More time and effort may result in more money in the bank, but it won’t be very satisfying if what you valued the most was the relationships with your partner and your children.

Significant life events can reshape your personality.

Who we are is massively impacted by the times we live in. Growing up during the Great Depression produced a very different group of people than those who grew up during World War Two. Even two people who lived through the same period in history may have experienced it in very different ways.

Consider whether you were in college during the Vietnam War or whether you joined the army and experienced that conflict firsthand. How is your life been altered because your parent or grandparent lived through one of these significant events?

The many aspects of the self.

One exercise I suggest to clients in my therapy practice is to write their autobiography. Start with the very first memory you have in life. Often this will be a picture from the time before you had the words to remember a story. Next, you should think about various events in your life you can reexamine them. Did something someone said to you in elementary school change your opinion of yourself?

As your work on your life review, examine the many roles you’ve played and how they have shaped who you are today. Many of the things that you do today automatically are the result of habits you developed early in life. Do you want to keep those habits? Would your life be better if you created a new habit to replace one of the old habits that are no longer working for you?

Look for one of those lists of 50 questions to ask someone on a first date. Go through the list and see how you would answer each of those questions. Charting where you are now and how you’ve gotten here can help you set a new direction for whichever way you want your life to go in the future.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The Link Between Narcissism and Financial Abuse. 

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The Link Between Narcissism and Financial Abuse. 

Source: Unsplash.com | By: Mathieu Stern | Rights: Free to Use

Although it’s not always the case, there is a strong correlation between narcissism and domestic violence. When a narcissist is abusive, it is most commonly referred to as narcissistic abuse. Many people may think that narcissists just use emotional or physical means to control their victims. However, there is another method used in narcissistic abuse that can be even more damaging. Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it’s important to shed light on one of the most common but unspoken forms of domestic violence, financial abuse. 

Narcissism. 

Narcissism, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a condition in which a person has an inflated sense of oneself. This is often paired with a lack of empathy and a need for an excessive amount of attention and admiration. Narcissists tend to be motivated by extrinsic factors such as money, power, and status. Because of this, narcissists struggle immensely with intimate relationships.

Narcissistic Abuse.

Often, dating a narcissistic person can be a troubling experience. Narcissists go after people that are the opposite of them because they are easier to control. Those people are usually more empathetic and value personal fulfillment, fairness, and friendships. Since narcissists demand special attention and to be treated as superior, they are more likely to use abuse as a means to get what they want. Common tactics used in narcissistic abuse include gaslighting, manipulation, and verbal attacks. But what is just as common, and not as visible, is the use of financial abuse. 

Financial Abuse. 

Financial abuse involves controlling a victim’s ability to make, access, or use any of their own money. Money is one of the most powerful ways to trap a victim. The Center for Financial Security found that 99% of domestic abuse victims experience some form of financial abuse. Narcissists use money as a way to make their partners feel dependent and inferior. By restricting their partner’s access to money, the victim is forced to become reliant on their abuser, since they have no resources to leave. Financial abuse is also the most common reason people return to their abuser, yet, many don’t notice financial abuse in their lives. 

Money as a Weapon. 

Many narcissists associate money and status with power. Because of this, money is often used as a weapon to gain control over the relationship. Some common ways narcissistic abusers control their victims are by withholding their finances, stealing their money, sabotaging their credit, or preventing them from getting a job. Doing this causes the victim to be reliant on their abuser and prevents them from obtaining any financial or personal freedom. 

What to Do if You Suspect Financial Abuse.

Some narcissistic abusers don’t make financial abuse obvious. Many narcissists will even lie about their financial situation, or take control over your money without you knowing. One way to check if you are being financially abused is by looking at a credit score report or bank statement. 

Unfortunately, credit scores play a huge factor in financial freedom. Purchases that allow you to be safe and independent, such as buying a home, require specific credit score ranges. Abusers know this and will try to damage your score by opening lines of credit with your name and creating massive debt on your account. You can get a free credit report to see if there are any discrepancies in your credit. Likewise, if you notice big withdrawals from your bank account or purchases made without your consent, it could be a good indicator that you are being financially abused. 

Leaving Abuse. 

Narcissistic financial abuse is a serious matter. It can cause many to go into severe poverty and prevent victims from escaping their situations. Your safety is more important than anything. If you are a victim of financial abuse, do not call out your abuser, as this can make it even more dangerous for you. Instead, talk with a trusted friend, family member, or the Domestic Violence Support Hotline about your situation to help plan your escape. No matter how bad the financial damage is, recovery is possible. There are many resources available to help guide you through this process and get you back on your feet. 

Final Thoughts. 

Many people still don’t know about narcissistic financial abuse and the long-term effects it has. Knowledge is power. To help prevent others from falling victim to financial abuse, we must first talk about it. That is why it is important, especially this coming month, that we spread awareness around this topic to help put an end to financial abuse. 

You can grow your personality.

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personality disorder
Can Personality change? Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Personality characteristics aren’t as fixed as we used to think.

Research has found that personality characteristics can change gradually across the lifespan. Data from national health plans has helped identify this change. People who have taken personality inventories multiple times throughout their lives often show a slow, gradual change as they age. Not everyone changes, but it happens often enough that we now believe personality traits are not fixed but are changeable.

The change in any short period of time is relatively small, but cumulatively your personality in your retirement years can be quite different from your personality in childhood or adolescence. For some people, this is a good thing; for others, not so much.

The belief that personality characteristics are largely unchangeable spawned the group of diagnoses called personality disorders, such as narcissism, borderline personality, and antisocial personality disorder, which are considered pervasive patterns of behavior and very difficult to treat. Understanding how life experiences contributed to creating these disorders has also helped us understand how they can be changed.

There can be sudden spontaneous shifts in personality.

Transitions from adolescence to young adulthood can alter personality by exposing a young person to new situations. Agreeableness, openness, and conscientiousness tend to increase while extraversion often decreases. However, the personality in the teen years is a better predictor of success in later life.

Undergoing a stressful or traumatic experience can also result in a shift in worldview. While some people who experience trauma develop PTSD, others can develop posttraumatic growth. How someone navigates this traumatic experience can impact their future behavior and the way their personality is expressed.

There are multiple ways in which personality can change across the lifespan.

Some personality changes may be the result of aging.

Extraversion and conscientiousness tend to decline across the lifespan. Openness to experience tends to be relatively stable, then gradually decreases in old age. Neuroticism that largely undesirable characteristic that leads to an increased risk for depression and anxiety tends to be high in childhood and adolescence, declines throughout middle age, and often increases sharply among older people.

You can deliberately change some personality characteristics.

A significant amount of personality changes happened because of your life experiences rather than deliberate efforts to change your personality. But there are ways in which people’s deliberate efforts have resulted in a long-term change in their personality. The research is pretty clear that simply wanting to change your personality will not be sufficient. Personally induced personality change requires conscious effort and action.

The personality traits most often chosen as the goal for change are to decrease neuroticism, that excess of negative emotions, and to increase extraversion. Extraversion can be increased by deliberately going out of your way to say hello to people you encounter or putting your hand out when meeting a stranger at a meeting. Not only does developing these behaviors make you less uncomfortable around others, practiced often enough, but you also begin to be more extroverted, a change that will eventually show up if you take repeated personality inventories.

Your behavior can change your personality.

Engaging in uncomfortable behavior can result in significant personality change as you become more comfortable doing things that used to be outside your normal range. Simply wanting to change your personality will not be effective without engaging in the new behaviors. If you want to be more extroverted, you must act “as if” you are more extroverted. Planning to do personality-changing behaviors but then failing to do them backfires. If you say you want to be more extroverted but then chickened out on the opportunity to talk to a stranger, you reinforce being introverted.

Do you like your personality? What parts of your personality would you like to change? And are you willing to take action to create that change?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seems like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Introvert.

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Introvert. Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Introvert.

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“Don’t think of introversion as something that needs to be cured.”

― Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

“I am rarely bored alone; I am often bored in groups and crowds.”

― Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength

“I’m an introvert… I love being by myself, love being outdoors, love taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, the sky.”

― Audrey Hepburn

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.

Emotions and Feelings.

Inspiration

Extrovert.

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Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“There is no greater plague to an introvert than the extrovert.”

― Pierce Brown, Golden Son

“Hardly anybody ever writes anything nice about introverts. Extroverts rule. This is rather odd when you realise that about nineteen writers out of twenty are introverts. We are been taught to be ashamed of not being ‘outgoing’. But a writer’s job is ingoing.”

― Ursula K. LeGuin

“We have an assumption here in America that the kind thing to do is to be “friendly,” which means being extroverted, even intrusive. The Japanese assume the opposite: being kind means holding back.”

― Laurie Helgoe, Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.

Emotions and Feelings.

Inspiration

What are the Big Five Personality Traits?

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personality disorder
Can Personality change? Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Personality traits lie on a continuum.

The big five personality traits are one way of understanding people’s personalities and why personalities vary so much from individual to individual. This theory and the research behind it come to us primarily from psychology, which involves looking at presumably normal people and why they think, feel, and act the way they do.

Being low or high on a trait does not mean you have a mental illness.

With rare exceptions, these personality traits describe preferences or tendencies in people’s thinking, feeling, and behavior rather than abnormalities. People with a specific mental illness may be more likely to lie at the far end of these continuums.

The Big Five Personality Traits don’t cover everything.

There are many theories about why people have a specific personality and why one trait is more pronounced in some people than in others. Genetics, environment, and learning are postulated to play roles in the development of personality. Other commonly applied theories include the Myers Briggs types, or the similar one by David Keirsey, plus the Enneagram.

Here’s a summary of the Big Five Personality Traits.

In this theory, none of these traits are necessarily more important than others, and being at a higher level in a particular trait is neither a good nor bad thing. These traits describe differences in the way people approach life and the environment.

1. Openness.

People who are low in openness want concrete facts. People high in openness think in abstract terms and theories and are likely to be adventurous and interested in art, ideas, and new or novel experiences. People who are low in openness prefer tradition and may feel safer when there are rules to direct behavior and tend to be extremely practical.

2. Conscientiousness.

People who are high in conscientiousness are determined and easily exercise self-discipline. They likely are high in “won’t power,” the ability to forgo current pleasure for future positive rewards. People who are impulsive or easily distracted will score low in conscientiousness. The trait of conscientiousness also lumps “willpower,” the ability to do unpleasant things now for future rewards, together with many other self-discipline characteristics.

3. Extraversion.

The trait of extraversion measures more than merely being outgoing. People who are high in extraversion are energized by time with others. People who are low in extraversion, sometimes called introverts, need time alone to recharge their batteries. It’s important not to confuse being an introvert with an emotional problem such as social anxiety disorder. People with Social Anxiety Disorder are not necessarily energized by being alone. They simply avoid the fear of being around others by isolating themselves.

People who are high in extraversion are likely motivated by the praise and attention of others. They will do things for the applause of the crowd. Introverts are more likely to be highly internally motivated, and their own opinion of their accomplishments matters more than recognition from others.

4. Agreeableness.

Being high in the trait of agreeableness doesn’t mean that you go along with others and give in. People were agreeable don’t have to give in because what others want is okay with them. People with high and agreeableness are more likely to be motivated by doing things that benefit others and society in general. They are high in empathy, typically trusting, and willing to forgive.

People who are low in agreeableness are more likely to have conflicts with others. They are seen as competitive, aggressive, and often antagonistic. Being low in agreeableness increases the risk that you will have falling outs with others, and your life will be full of conflicts.

5. Neuroticism.

People who are high in neuroticism are much more likely to experience negative emotions. They experience more anxiety, fear, sadness, depression and may experience guilt and shame. Of all the Big Five Personality Traits, this seems the most likely to overlap with mental illness. People who are high in neuroticism are more likely to be diagnosed with anxiety or depression disorders.

Neuroticism also seems to have more connected with life experiences than most of the other personality traits. People who experience traumas or severe negative life experiences are more likely to test high in neuroticism.

In the early days of mental health, there were only two disorders recognized, neurosis and psychosis. Psychoses are those severe things that are most likely to be treated by medication. Those things we call neuroses are more likely to respond to talk therapy. Not everyone high in neuroticism has impaired functioning or qualifies for a diagnosis of a mental illness. But if you are high in neuroticism, you should consider whether counseling might help you live a healthier, happier life.

What do these Big Five Personality Traits say about you?

The Big Five Traits are one way of looking at personality. Being high or low on any of these traits is not in and of itself either good or bad. I’m one who does not believe that whatever your personality, you are stuck with it. Some aspects of personality change more readily than others. Most personality characteristics change slowly across the lifetime. But if your scores on a personality test aren’t what you’d like to see, consider working with a therapist, counselor, coach, or teacher to learn new skills and shift the way your personality expresses itself.

Do the big five personality traits explain why you are the person you are?

In my opinion, no. Knowing you are high or low in any one of these characteristics doesn’t tell you what to do. Using that information may help you pick a career, a partner, or even a life adventure that’s more suited to you. Remember, these characteristics lie on a continuum. Not everyone high or low in one of these characteristics will experience it in the same way.

Words don’t adequately describe personality characteristics.

Starting with the big five personality traits is one Possible Way to begin your self-exploration, but I should leave you with a word of caution.

“consider, for example, the hundreds of adjectives summarized by each of the Big Five personality traits (Huta 2013c).” from Eudaimonia and Its Distinction from Hedonia: Developing a Classification and Terminology for Understanding Conceptual and Operational Definitions. Veronika Huta • Alan S. Waterman. J Happiness Stud (2014) 15:1425–1456

Does the idea of exploring your personality interest you? Then you might want to take this online big five personality test.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seems like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Three life questions you need to answer.

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Questions you should ask yourself. Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

The answers to these three questions can change your life.

To figure out your path in life, you need to figure out where you’re going. Some people get lost along the way and end up in therapy, trying to find themselves. I’ve come to believe that the first task ought to be finding the answers to three basic life questions. Throughout this coming year, I want to talk a little bit about those questions and how you go about finding the answers to them.

Resolutions are not the way to go.

This is the time of year a lot of people are making New Year’s resolutions. I fear that if I don’t get this published quickly enough, you will already have broken some of those resolutions. Some of those resolutions are external. Habits you want to change and things you want to accomplish.

Most resolutions fail because they specify a result rather than a process for reaching that result. Resolving to lose a certain number of pounds, get out of debt, get more education all sound like great goals. There will be plenty of articles throughout the universe I how to reach these goals. It’s usually missing from all of that is any discussion about if when you arrive at that goal, if you ever do, will you be happy? Will it have been worth the effort?

For most people paying off the debt only opens the door to creating more debt. Losing the weight may make you healthier if you can keep it off, but most people don’t keep it off because the process of dieting makes them miserable. Many people get more education expecting that to lead to higher income and more happiness only to find they don’t like the job there now qualified for.

Why can’t people find the answers to creating a happy life?

Despite a higher standard of living and more material possessions today than ever before in the history of the world, we also see more mental and physical illness. Looking for something external to make you happy is looking in the wrong place.

The idea that someone who is miserable can achieve happiness by finding the right romantic partner often turns out badly. It’s common for people to go through multiple failed relationships wondering why they always connect with the wrong partners. Eventually, some of those people, by trial and error or as the result of personal counseling and therapy, discovered that the answer to their questions isn’t external, but it’s internal. If you need to change something in your life, that change will need to take place inside you.

As I’m writing this, I’m thinking of all the things I’d like to talk to you about. I hope I’ve learned a few things through the years, and one of the major lessons I’ve learned is that the journey of self-awareness is an ongoing process. So here are the three essential questions I think you need to consider; otherwise, everything else you’re doing may be wasted effort.

Who are you?

Ask most people who they are, and their immediate answer will be a job title. I’m a teacher, an accountant, a clerk in the store, or some other occupation. Take that job away, whether by unemployment or disability, and suddenly the person must figure out who they are when they don’t do that job anymore.

Other people define themselves by their relationships. Traditionally that was more the way women define themselves. Ask a woman who she was, and she would say she was Mrs. so-and-so. Or she might tell you that she was this boy or girl’s mother. This is changing as more men define themselves by their relationships, and more women see themselves as professionals in an occupation. Both things are important for people’s understanding of themselves.

While your occupation and relationships are important, who you are is so much bigger than both of those.

Who do you connect with, and how, and why?

Relationships can enrich your life, but they can also impoverish it. A recurrent theme in therapy is why people keep getting into the same dysfunctional relationships. Someone who grew up in an alcoholic home falls in love with Ethel alcohol or marries an alcoholic.

People from dysfunctional homes frequently enter relationships with other people who have those same dysfunctions. One name for that losing yourself in your relationships is codependency. There’s a lot of codependent people out there. The way they eventually escape their codependency, if they ever do, is not by learning more and more about the dysfunctional person in their life but by learning more about themselves.

What gives your life meaning, and purpose?

Last week I wrote a blog post about what gives your life meaning and purpose. You might want to look at that post. I suppose it’s entirely possible to have several things that fill your life with meaning and purpose. It’s also likely that the thing that gives your life meaning or purpose at various points in your life may change.

What I’m getting at here is it’s far more critical to learn about your relationship with money and debt and decide how that affects the rest of your life than it is to go on a tight budget for a month or two to get out of debt only to end up back in debt again.

As we move through the year 2021, I want to talk to you about some of the implications of these three big life questions and how you might go about finding the answers to them. I’m continuing to learn more about my answers to these questions through research and living life.

If any of this interests you, maybe you will want to subscribe to this blog. Feel free to leave a comment or use the contact me form. Whatever the challenges this year, let’s all work on making 2021 the year to get straight on what matters.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seems like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness, and they want him dead.

Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel