Tag Archives: Personality

Finding yourself – the search for you

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Searching for yourself.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Finding yourself – the search for you

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Who are you?

Trying to find yourself is a challenging task. I remember back in the 1960s when a large portion of the student body at the local college and colleges everywhere were psychology and/or sociology majors. In retrospect, I think that most people were either trying to figure out who they were or they were trying to fix what was wrong with them.

In these uncertain times, with the world changing yet again, it’s never been more important to get a clear picture of who you are and what really matters in life. Let’s look at some of the challenges you face when trying to find yourself.

One personality test won’t define you.

It’s tempting to try to divide people up based on one or more theories of personality. We used to try to define people by specific personality characteristics. For example, you could take a test and find out if you are an introvert or an extrovert. Increasingly we find the answer to who you are is much more complex than one or even a dozen personality tests.

The characteristics we use to describe personality are far more likely to be on a continuum rather than discrete categories. People are extroverted in certain situations but behave more like introverts in others. You may be anywhere along the continuum of introversion – extroversion, or you might be better described as an ambivert, someone who sometimes likes to be around others and other times needs to be by yourself.

Who you are will change as you grow.

Long-term research has also shown us that personality types are not fixed. Basic personality characteristics change slowly across the lifetime. One research article I read suggested that changing a personality characteristic takes about five years of intensive work. On the other hand, reading a book such as Learned Optimism and following the principles can change your level of optimism in a very short time.

The basis of cognitive behavioral therapy is that changing your thinking results in a change in feelings which will alter how you behave. Those connections also work in reverse. Changing your behavior, say you start exercising more frequently, will begin to change your feelings, and those new feelings we’ll begin to alter your thinking.

Whether you prefer the Big five personality characteristics, Myers Briggs categories, Enneagrams, Character strengths and virtues, or attachment theory, there’s much more to defining yourself than selecting a label from a theory.

You can’t define yourself by your occupation.

There was a time when almost everyone could answer that they were a farmer. Some families, for generations, would define themselves as soldiers. Today our occupations are much more diverse, but still, if you ask most men, they would define themselves by their occupation. We have subdivided the occupation of merchant into many categories. Is anyone hoping to become a redsmith or a cordwainer?

Women used to routinely describe themselves by their relationships. They were either a wife or a mother or both. Over the last 100 years, more or less, the options for what women could do has expanded. With more choices than ever before, it has become difficult for many women to define who they are.

In your life, you will fill multiple roles.

Who you are will be both defined and shaped by the roles you fill. In various settings, you will perform the tasks of these various roles. You will spend a certain amount of your life as a child, an adolescent, an adult, and eventually a senior citizen. The role of senior citizens is changing also. In your lifetime, you are likely to also be a student and possibly a teacher. Most of us become relationship partners, and many people will fill the role of parents.

Roles such as parents are becoming increasingly nuanced and harder to define. Parenting goes beyond being a mother or father. Some people also become stepparents or spend part of their lives in a blended family.

During various times in your life, you may be called upon to be an employee, a supervisor, a manager, or a business owner. While none of these roles is the whole of who you are, filling those roles can shape or define your understanding of yourself.

You’re not your problems or disorders.

The more we learn about neurodiversity, the more we realize that everyone has potential that can be developed and that we all have challenges to overcome. We should think of people as more than the sum of their challenges.

It’s better to think of people as someone with bipolar disorder or who has depression or experiences anxiety rather than the bipolar or depressive or whatever other label might be applied based on your challenges or disabilities.

How do you define yourself?

Spend some time learning about who you are. While you’re going to be you for your entire life, that person has the potential to change and grow.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

You can grow your personality.

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personality disorder
Can Personality change? Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Personality characteristics aren’t as fixed as we used to think.

Research has found that personality characteristics can change gradually across the lifespan. Data from national health plans has helped identify this change. People who have taken personality inventories multiple times throughout their lives often show a slow, gradual change as they age. Not everyone changes, but it happens often enough that we now believe personality traits are not fixed but are changeable.

The change in any short period of time is relatively small, but cumulatively your personality in your retirement years can be quite different from your personality in childhood or adolescence. For some people, this is a good thing; for others, not so much.

The belief that personality characteristics are largely unchangeable spawned the group of diagnoses called personality disorders, such as narcissism, borderline personality, and antisocial personality disorder, which are considered pervasive patterns of behavior and very difficult to treat. Understanding how life experiences contributed to creating these disorders has also helped us understand how they can be changed.

There can be sudden spontaneous shifts in personality.

Transitions from adolescence to young adulthood can alter personality by exposing a young person to new situations. Agreeableness, openness, and conscientiousness tend to increase while extraversion often decreases. However, the personality in the teen years is a better predictor of success in later life.

Undergoing a stressful or traumatic experience can also result in a shift in worldview. While some people who experience trauma develop PTSD, others can develop posttraumatic growth. How someone navigates this traumatic experience can impact their future behavior and the way their personality is expressed.

There are multiple ways in which personality can change across the lifespan.

Some personality changes may be the result of aging.

Extraversion and conscientiousness tend to decline across the lifespan. Openness to experience tends to be relatively stable, then gradually decreases in old age. Neuroticism that largely undesirable characteristic that leads to an increased risk for depression and anxiety tends to be high in childhood and adolescence, declines throughout middle age, and often increases sharply among older people.

You can deliberately change some personality characteristics.

A significant amount of personality changes happened because of your life experiences rather than deliberate efforts to change your personality. But there are ways in which people’s deliberate efforts have resulted in a long-term change in their personality. The research is pretty clear that simply wanting to change your personality will not be sufficient. Personally induced personality change requires conscious effort and action.

The personality traits most often chosen as the goal for change are to decrease neuroticism, that excess of negative emotions, and to increase extraversion. Extraversion can be increased by deliberately going out of your way to say hello to people you encounter or putting your hand out when meeting a stranger at a meeting. Not only does developing these behaviors make you less uncomfortable around others, practiced often enough, but you also begin to be more extroverted, a change that will eventually show up if you take repeated personality inventories.

Your behavior can change your personality.

Engaging in uncomfortable behavior can result in significant personality change as you become more comfortable doing things that used to be outside your normal range. Simply wanting to change your personality will not be effective without engaging in the new behaviors. If you want to be more extroverted, you must act “as if” you are more extroverted. Planning to do personality-changing behaviors but then failing to do them backfires. If you say you want to be more extroverted but then chickened out on the opportunity to talk to a stranger, you reinforce being introverted.

Do you like your personality? What parts of your personality would you like to change? And are you willing to take action to create that change?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seems like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is Positive Psychology?

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The Psyche
What is Positive Psychology? Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Positive psychology offers an alternative to the mental illness model.

Traditional mental health services focus on a deficit model. Initially, only two categories of mental illness were identified. Over time additional “mental illnesses” have been identified and described. Today the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual fifth edition) lists over four hundred separate recognized mental illnesses. It also provides for at least another four hundred possible conditions that can be diagnosed.

There are many counseling theories that seek to explain what causes these mental illnesses and how they can be treated. With all this focus on what’s wrong with people, there has been very little focus on the positive end of the spectrum until recently. Not enough attention has been paid to what people should do to have a happy, contented, or flourishing life.

Physical health and mental health are organized differently.

Increasingly physical health systems are recognizing the importance of treating chronic illnesses. Preventative care has become a significant part of physical health programs. Mental health continues to be provided only to severely ill clients. With very few exceptions, you will need to be extremely “mentally ill” for insurance companies to pay for treatment. The primary focus is on treating mental illness rather than promoting mental health.

Positive psychology examines positive experiences.

Positive psychology is a separate branch of psychology that began about twenty years ago when Martin Seligman became president of the American Psychological Association and chose positive psychology as his presidency’s theme. The new positive psychology movement builds on numerous past philosophers and psychotherapists. What was new and novel about this movement was its emphasis on identifying ways to increase positive functioning rather than focusing on negative impairments.

Positive psychology emphasizes having a good life.

The “good life,” which is the focus of positive psychology, involves a great deal more than merely increasing temporary “happiness” or pleasure. I should mention here that “anhedonia or loss of pleasure” is one of the primary symptoms for the diagnosis of depression. What we do know about treating depression is that merely adding short bursts of pleasure does not cure depression. I want to talk more about pleasure, happiness, and the many pathways for reaching a good life in future posts.

How many strengths do you have?

One of the things many counselors and therapists are told to do is identify the client’s strengths and encourage people to use those strengths to improve their mental health. What is often missing from that training is any comprehensive list of strengths or ways to identify the client’s strengths. My experience has been that people who have severe mental illness, anxiety, and depression often have difficulty identifying any strengths they may have.

In 2004 Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman wrote a book which, at over 700 pages, is a very comprehensive compilation of characteristics that are pretty much universally accepted as desirable personality traits. The title of the book was Character Strengths and Virtues. Much of the research in the field of positive psychology is based on this classification system. Unfortunately, defining universal characteristics using words can lead to a lot of misunderstandings.

I remember a very long time ago in elementary school when we were taught how to have “good character.” Those values primarily involved being honest, truthful, and compliant with rules. People who disagreed with authority were thought of as having “bad character.” Virtues, of course, at least back then, took on the connotation of being morally right or wrong.

Neither of those interpretations appears to me to be the things Peterson and Seligman meant by using the words strengths and virtues. Their usage describes characteristics of people’s personalities that were both useful and beneficial to that person.

The book lists twenty-four character-strengths divided into six general categories of “virtues.” For example, the virtue of “wisdom” consists of the character strengths of creativity, curiosity, judgment, love of learning, and perspective. I have spent the last few weeks reading research articles on a couple of these character strengths. As I’m able to digest this information, I plan to write some additional blog posts this year about what’s been learned about these character strengths and how you might utilize and cultivate those strengths.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seems like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Self.

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Self

Self.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Self.

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“Many a book is like a key to unknown chambers within the castle of one’s own self.”

― Franz Kafka

“Through pride, we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience, a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune. ”

― Carl Gustav Jung

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

― Rumi

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings.

Emotions and Feelings.

Inspiration

What Causes Borderline Personality Disorder?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

personality disorder

What Causes Borderline Personality Disorder?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Suggested causes for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Since this is a condition that is diagnosed by the presence or absence of a group of symptoms rather than any one specific test our understanding continues to change. Some authors have suggested that there are several levels or types of Borderline Personality Disorder. People with milder BPD symptoms can be described as having Borderline traits. It is possible that various levels of BPD symptoms may have different causes.

Like most other mental illnesses, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) appears to have both a genetic risk factor and an environmental risk factor. Having a risk factor does not mean that you are going to develop the disorder but the more the risk factors the more the risk.

Genetics is a risk factor for mental illness.

NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health reported some time back (2008,) that there appears to be a genetic risk factor for BPD. This study found that a particular mutation on chromosome nine created an increased risk for BPD. At some point in the human past, the characteristics we think of as Borderline traits may have been helpful in certain situations.

Experience has made any one research report linking a particular chromosome and a disorder highly suspect. It would be nice if this study were correct and we could do a simple test for BPD, but with other disorders, we find that it is not one gene or chromosome that creates mental illness. It is the influences of several or a combination of large numbers of the many possible genes that result in an increased risk.

In this study, the contribution of genetics was 40%. Meaning that the environment contributed the other 60% or put another way, your relationships and experiences increase the risk of developing BPD 150% as much as your genetics.

The environment can increase the risk for Borderline Personality Disorder.

One factor seems to contribute a huge amount of this environmental risk.

Growing up in a non-affirming place with people who did not validate you, is a hugely important cause of many of the symptoms that make up BPD and Borderline Personality traits.

Many people with borderline traits report that their family was not supportive. Their caregivers were either absent or constantly frustrating.

Many people with BPD grew up in homes that did not create the feeling of being valued as a human being. People with BPD may have been neglected, abused, or simply did not have their emotional needs met. They may have found that direct requests for things did not work and that the only way to get their needs met was to engage in behaviors that forced the family to notice them. In adult life, their behaviors will be described as manipulative.

A borderline can be both clingy and distant, wanting a close intimate relationship but also fearful that to let someone get in close to them invites another abandonment.

People with BPD may associate any accomplishment with an increased risk of abandonment. They often quit school a week before finals or fail to show up for a job on the first day.

People with Borderline characteristics may end up slipping into a relationship with someone who has difficulty being close. Just like the co-dependent person who keeps marrying the alcoholic trying to get it right, someone with BPD may continue to enter a relationship with a partner who is unable to provide any warmth and closeness.

The classic expression of this feeling becomes “If I become fully me, will you stop loving me?” The recurring fear is that the significant person in their life will abandon them and they will fall apart without someone to support them.

One issue people with BPD may need to tackle is the inability to have and enjoy happiness or other positive feelings. If you came from an environment that said it was not OK to have or display feelings, it can be terrifying to allow yourself to feel happiness of any sort.

The person with PBD may feel empty, numb, or bored without someone else in their life that provides for their needs. The theory here is that the more the person was let down by their support system, the less able they have been at becoming an independent person, the more likely they will be to develop borderline traits.

Learning to act Borderline.

Those with BPD often come from homes where the caregivers themselves had poorly regulated emotional lives. Parents can and do frequently provide genetic risk factors, environmental factors, and learned behavior that support the continuation of BPD.

Is seems likely that living with or around a caregiver with BPD is likely to alter the way in which someone handles emotion.

The takeaway from all this is that whatever the reason someone has BPD there are treatments available that can help manage, reduce, or eliminate the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorders.

Other posts on Borderline Personality Disorder include:

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

What causes Borderline Personality Disorder?

Levels or types of Borderline Personality Disorder

Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Is everyone Bipolar?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Person with masks

Bipolar.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Just how common is Bipolar Disorder?

There are people out there with Bipolar Disorder as we currently understand Bipolar. Some people who really have this issue never get diagnosed and miss out on the treatment they need. From some of the things on the web today it is hard to see how anyone could escape getting this diagnosis. For more on this dilemma see the post, Bipolar – Misdiagnosed or missing diagnosis?

If professionals give out a diagnosis too freely then it stops having any meaning. So just how common is Bipolar Disorder and what should we think about people who sort of have it?

Some perspective

Humans are not the only creatures on earth who act “bipolar.”

Think about some of the symptoms. Elevated expansive mood, reduced need for sleep, increased impulsivity and heightened sexuality. Hum—

It is hot here now, but only a few weeks ago it was spring. From the window in my office, I watch the birds in the trees and on the lawn. There are a lot of native doves in my immediate area. For a while, just after Valentine’s Day, those doves woke me up in the morning. They were cooing constantly and then mating – can’t describe that and stay P. G. rated. When pursuing and being pursued by mates their temperament can best be described as irritable. Are doves Bipolar? Are they only Bipolar in the spring time?

Every spring the days start getting longer, the creatures on planet earth respond by becoming more active, they and we humans with them, think about reproduction. If birds breed in February they have babies by Easter. Humans seem to breed just as fast but we take longer to get the babies done.

Then in the fall time, the doves seem to disappear. So do the humans on my block. All those exercise freaks stay indoors. As the days get shorter the mood among humans gets gloomier. This may be one reason we have so many holidays in the fall and winter, Halloween, American Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all in a couple of months. We do this to cheer ourselves up. We also see extra depression during those months of less light.

If birds are affected by the changes in weather, humans are affected, and other animals also, it is difficult to go on describing these mood fluctuations as a mental illness.

We know that some people are affected by the seasons more than others. The degree and magnitude of mania and depression vary from one person to another. When have we crossed the line and turned normal human emotions and feeling into a pathological disorder?

There are also milder variations in human behavior we call “personality.” Talking about personality types, wondering why we are the way we are, is an interesting study. One needs to be careful in learning about personality to not make the first year student mistake and start seeing pathology where none exists. Not everyone who is moody, sleepless, irritable, or extra sexual needs to be diagnosed and put on medication.

As a therapist, I know there are lots of folks who would benefit from talking to a counselor about their problems. We also know that insurance wants us to be sure they are mentally ill and meet the criteria for “medical necessity” before insurance pays for the treatment. The challenge is to stick to the criteria and make sure only people with a real mental illness get treated using insurance money, while still trying to help all the people we can. Professionals continue to debate exactly where the lines of a disorder should be drawn.

At this point, we have three for sure reasons why someone’s symptoms get severe enough that they get the diagnosis.

1. Your issue interferes with “occupational functioning,” which includes school, for children and volunteer work if you are disabled.

2. It interferes with “social functioning” which mainly means you have poor or no relationship with family and friends.

3. Your issue causes you “subjective distress,” meaning a whole lot of emotional pain.

Having a personality that is not as you would like it may be painful but I hesitate to throw that in with mental illness. So if you are too introverted, impulsive or have some such personality trait, you can work on that, but you are not likely to be severely enough impaired to be diagnosed with a mental illness.

Some people may have “bipolar trait” or a “bipolar temperament” these are things you may or may not choose to work on in yourself improvement projects. “Hyperthymic Temperament” and Hyperthymic Personality Disorder” is just such a condition. Hyperthymic Personality Disorder is a common name NOT a specific diagnosis. DSM Personality Disorders are far more severe than Hyperthymia.

My thinking is that if you have characteristics like this you may want to consider being screened by a profession and keep an eye out for the possible development of Bipolar Disorder.

One thing we professionals should avoid doing is turning everyone who is different, into a pathological condition.

So is everyone Bipolar? The DSM-4 reports that the prevalence of Bipolar I and Bipolar II combined is more or less 2%.  Irritable, moody, impulsive and sexual people – that is just about all of us.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Two David Joel Miller Books are available now!

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

Want the latest on news from recoveryland, the field of counseling, my writing projects, speaking and teaching? Please sign up for my newsletter at – Newsletter. I promise not to share your email or to send you spam, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.

Why Blaming, Scolding and Criticizing don’t work

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Why blaming, scolding, and criticizing don’t work.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Ways to tame the blaming, scolding, and criticizing.

We all know someone who relies on these techniques and we know that these methods of communicating don’t make us want to do what they are asking. In many families, this becomes the primary way in which people communicate even when the person doing the blaming knows they don’t like the feeling of being on the receiving end of this sort of communication.

You can recognize someone doing these behaviors easily, but recognizing when you are doing them and changing to more effective behaviors takes some effort and practice. Responding to a scolder with scolding does not solve the problem. It only further escalates the conflict.

Blaming as communication.

Blaming is one of the three “communication stances” described by Virginia Satir, one of the founders of family therapy, and others of her colleagues. She describes people as communicating in three basic ways – Blaming, Placating, and congruent communications.

Blaming is the looking down on other’s stance, it includes all sorts of putting the person you are talking to down and making them “less than.”

Placating communication scrambles the message.

Placating might be described as the “victim stance.” We see puppies take this stance when they roll over and expose their bellies. Children will cower when yelled at. Placating says I give in. It says nothing about agreeing.

Congruent communication.

Congruent communication is the preferred mode in which people talk to each other as equals. Congruent communication does not look for whose fault it is that things are out of whack. the goal here is understanding.

Criticizing sabotages communication.

Criticizing has been described as attacking the person, not the action you want to change. Scolding includes a range of behaviors, verbal and physical that is designed to make the person being scolded “smaller” and the scolder feels more powerful and in control.

Some authors have suggested there is a difference between “complaining” in which you ask for a change and “criticizing” in which you just run the other person down in an effort to get revenge. One way to become more aware of these behaviors is to actually practice them until you recognize when you are doing them. Ben Furman has described some of these behaviors related to scolding. Done as a group activity the behaviors can be exaggerated until they become downright funny.

Here are the things a good blamer, scolder, and criticizer should be able to do automatically.

1. Tower over the person to be upbraided.

Parents have a natural advantage here. They are taller to start with. But if the person you are trying to demean is near your size, wait till they are seated and then pulling yourself up as much as possible and crowd in close so they can’t get up. In a pinch, a ladder or standing on a chair might help.

2. Stick your finger in their face.

This gesture, the universal sign of I am right and you are no good works, best if the finger motion includes several wags. Practice the up-down pound them into the ground move and the left-right “bad dog” move.

3. Leave no doubt that they are totally worthless.

Use plenty of words that leave no room for them to ever make it up to you or redeem themselves. You never, you always and other categorical statements should prove their worthlessness.

4. Demean their intelligence.

Statements like “anyone with half a brain would know” are especially good. Remind them they are dumb, stupid and that they have none of that rare commodity “common sense.” It helps to remind them how much common sense you have.

5. Ask questions for which there are no answers.

Don’t you understand that—?

Why did you do that?

6. Call them names.

Calling the person you are talking to “stupid” or “idiot” is sure to get a dramatic response out of the person you are talking at. Not a positive response necessarily, but a huge response none the less.

7. Be as vague as possible.

Never ask specifically for what you want and if by some chance they should request a clarification fall back on the old standbys “you know what I mean” or “If I have to explain it, you wouldn’t understand anyway.”

8. When all else fails try threatening.

Remind your children that if they don’t start doing as you tell them you will ground them for life. Threatening to take away the cell phone till they turn thirty can be especially ineffective. Make threats as large, outlandish, and impossible as you can. No sense in threatening with something you might actually be able to do.

Now should you want to really communicate in a positive way, which may be harder and require more work, then reverse the process and do the opposite of the things described above.

There you have it, 8 suggestions for becoming really good at Blaming, Scolding and Criticizing, and one antidote for poor communication.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Hyperthymia, Hyperthymic Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.

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44

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Person with masks

Bipolar.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does you temperament predispose you to mental illness?

Hyperthymia person

Hyperthymia, hyperthymia personality disorder, and bipolar. Photo courtesy of pixabay.

Personality characteristics may be a risk factor for certain mental illnesses but the exact connection continues to be far from clear. Psychologists have long been interested in various personalities. Are you outgoing – let’s call that extroverted. Psychopharmacologists look for connections between meds, drugs of abuse, and temperaments or personalities.

For the mental health community, the connection becomes more problematic. We are reluctant to diagnose someone as “mentally ill” because they are introverted, extroverted or have some other “personality type.” We really want to know that your personality issue or temperament is somehow interfering with your life, job, and friendships or making you miserable before we start saying that the way you are and were born, is somehow a disorder.

We know, or think we know, that some personality characteristics might increase your risk for certain disorders. To the extent that genetics plays a role in mental illness your temperament just might be a factor in developing mental illness.

Hyperthymia is one of those possible risk factors.

Hyperthymic people are those people who have so much energy, do so many things, and get so much done they annoy others. Goel, Terman, and Terman (2002) defined Hyperthymia as equivalent to Hypomania but without the impairment. So if you lose control it is hypomania and you get diagnosed with a mental illness (Bipolar.) But Hyperthymia by this definition means you are able to hold it together.

In their discussion of Bipolar and creativity, Shapiro and Weisberg (1999) define Hyperthymia as those people who have had periods of hypomania but there had not been a period of depression. This inconsistency in definition for Hyperthymia leads to a lot of inconsistencies in our understanding of this personality dimension.

Does that mean people with Hyperthymia are mentally ill?

A Hyperthymic personality has been suggested as a possible precursor for Bipolar Disorder. Currently, the DSM-4 includes diagnoses for Bipolar I, the most severe kind, and the Bipolar II variety with less visible mania, but not necessarily less severe, as the choices. Some theoreticians have suggested that there are also some “soft bipolar disorders.” They have suggested designations of Bipolar III and Bipolar IV for the less obvious forms.

Enter Bipolar III.

Shapiro and Weisberg suggested a diagnosis of Bipolar III for people who have depressive episodes and then when given antidepressants, experience hypomania. For them, the only time Bipolar III’s are manic is when on meds. Other authors suggest or imply that most any person with Bipolar Disorder will react quickly and dramatically to antidepressants.

Could Hyperthymia be Bipolar IV?

One area of research has been the search for connections, precursors, or predictors of future mental illness. These precursors are sometimes called “premorbid” conditions. If we knew that some currently small symptoms meant you were at high risk to develop a mental illness maybe we could begin treatment early and reduce the severity and length of a mental illness. Hyperthymia just might be such a precursor.

Hyperthymia seems to be one of several personality characteristics that increase the likelihood of developing some symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. But an increase in risk does not equal you having or getting the disorder.

People with Hyperthymic personality characteristics who experience depression, even a mild depression may “overreact” to antidepressants. Doctors have been warned to look out for high energy people who have an episode of depression and when given an antidepressant are propelled into mania or hypomania. An excess reaction to antidepressants could be one way of diagnosing Bipolar Disorder. One research study (Hoaki et al. 2011 published in Psychopharmacology) suggests that doctors should consider giving these Hyperthymic type people a mood stabilizer rather than an antidepressant.

Risk factors for Hyperthymia.

These researchers also found some other risk factors for developing Hyperthymic personality and presumably a soft form of Bipolar Disorder. Now, this is my understanding from reading this and other studies but a lot more research is needed in this area. Remember this is my opinion not necessarily the researchers.

When subjects for research were first screened there seemed to be a connection between how much they exercised and how “Hyperthymic” they were. Presumably, if you exercise more you have more energy. This did not end up in the lists of the risk factors for Hyperthymia so at this point it does not seem likely that more exercise will push people with risk factors into a Bipolar Disorder. But frankly, at this point, any connection between exercise and Hyperthymia or Bipolar Disorder seems like a wild guess. If anyone out there with Bipolar Disorder has seen a connection please drop me an email or leave a comment.

More light- More Hyperthymia.

Hoaki and his colleges found the relationship between light and Hyperthymia to be fairly strong. Even people who did not exercise much, when they were in brighter surroundings, had more energy and more Hyperthymic personality traits. So being outside or around more light might improve your energy level. We know that lack of light is one reason some people suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) but this makes us wonder, could changes in light level provoke Hyperthymic episodes, and might this be a risk factor for a hypomanic episode?

More variation in sleep – More Hyperthymia.

One diagnostic marker for manic and hypomanic episodes is a decreased need for sleep. What Hoaki’s article seems to suggest is that it is not just that a reduced need for sleep is a problem, but fluctuations in the amount of sleep from night-to-night may be a risk factor to set off Hyperthymic characteristics. Hoaki frames this as changes in bedtime; presumably, his subjects have a constant time to get up for work or school. Studying sleep fluctuations in people who have no set time to get up might clarify this issue.

Could fluctuations in the amounts of sleep be a risk factor for inducing Mania and Hypomania?

Hoaki et al. speculate that a consistent amount of sleep might be a preventative for developing Bipolar Disorder.

People with a Hyperthymic personality or temperament also had a tendency toward Serotonin Dysregulation. So the way in which Serotonin is used in the brain may be an important marker for Hyperthymic Personality as well as for mood disorders. Hoaki notes that other authors have suggested that people with a Hyperthymic personality may also have differences in the way their brains regulate dopamine. The more we learn about the brain the more neurotransmitters seem to be involved in the way our brains work.

The conclusion of Hoaki’s study is that light, sleep, and serotonin activity are all factors in Hyperthymic personality characteristics and in Bipolar disorder, so there is likely a connection between these two conditions. How the two conditions are related we are just not so sure.

Is Hyperthymia a personality disorder?

The lists of Personality Disorders listed in the DSM-4 as diagnosable mental illness is short and specific. Hyperthymic personality is not recognized as a disorder. It would be correct to consider Hyperthymia a personality characteristic or someone’s temperament but not as a disorder.

Those very energetic people may be annoying to some but they are just not considered mentally ill at this point.

More on the recognized personality disorders to come

Hope this helped to clarify Hyperthymia, Hyperthymic Personality characteristics and why there is not a recognized Hyperthymic Personality Disorder.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Scared or Excited?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Scary stuff

Scared or Excited.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is the difference between scared and excited?

Some people live their whole lives in fear. Everything is scary when you live in fear. Being afraid doesn’t make something dangerous but dangerous things ought to scare us. So how come there are those people who seek out the things other people call scary?

People in recovery often are overwhelmed by fear of the changes that need to be made. Fear can be a trigger to take someone back to the old patterns of behavior. That very same person who is afraid of the challenges of recovery may have been constantly seeking excitement via drugs or mania before they began recovery.

What makes some of us attracted to risk and excitement? One theory is that people range between two extremes, scared-anxious and stimulation seeking. As new-born babies some kids are easily overstimulated and need to take breaks and others are constantly seeking more stimulation.

Anxiety and stimulation are considered basic personality traits by some in the psychological professions. So the anxious person sees a situation as scary and a stimulus-seeking person thinks of the very same event as exciting.

Our appetite for risk and excitement can also be learned. We learn from our own experiences and we also learn from watching those around us. What is learned can be unlearned. If you are afraid of a change could you come to view the possibilities of a new life course with excitement?

Transforming fear into excitement is possible.

Consider the case of two clients.

First client, Betty, is 18 about to leave home and head off for college. She is scared to death. She will be leaving her family and friends. She has never been particularly close to her family and does not have many friends but she is terrified that at the new school she will know no one and thinks that they are likely to not like her. Betty is not sure she can do this and wishes she had not let her school counselor talk her into applying to an out-of-town school. What if she fails? She is sure something will go wrong and there will be no one at the school to help her. She is afraid. To cope with her fear she may drink, use drugs, or withdraw and hide in her room.

Client number two, Maria, attends the same high school as Betty, though the two don’t seem to know each other. Maria is also 18 and graduating. She likewise is about to leave home for a cross-country college. The difference is that Maria is excited to be on the go. She looks forward to the new things she will learn and the people she will meet. Maria has high self-esteem, she feels good about herself. She also has high self-efficacy; she knows she can do something if she sets her mind to it. Maria will be the first in her family to attend college and she is proud of what she will be accomplishing.

The primary difference between these two students is not the situation. Both are academically well-prepared students accepted to an out-of-town college.

The real difference between the two students is the way in which they view change. Yes, there are underlying differences in temperament and in the emotional skills they have learned, but either could be taught to see the situation from the other perspective.

As parents, we sometimes need to teach our children to be fearful to avoid excessive danger. They or we grow up and discover that our fears are keeping us trapped. Changing your perspective from fear to excitement can alter the whole experience. Changing your view can move something new from the scary categories to the exciting group.

Performers, actors, comics, and singers often get “butterflies” before they go on stage. They can interpret those symptoms as stage fright or they can think of this as the energy that sends them, to put out their best performance yet.

Athletes try to psych themselves up before a game or match. They transform that nervous energy which could be fear and keep them on the sidelines into the excitement that carries them to their best possible performance.

Is there something in your life that scares you which you need to start thinking of as an exciting new possibility?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Bipolar – misdiagnosed or missing diagnosis?

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18

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Person with masks

Bipolar.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Diagnosing Bipolar Disorder.

Why is it so hard for people with Bipolar Disorder to get diagnosed and treated? For mental and emotional problems, the sooner the diagnosis, the sooner the treatment begins, the less the suffering. The more entrenched the illness the longer and more difficult the recovery. We continue to have difficulty with Bipolar Disorder. Why?

Almost 70% of people with a Bipolar Diagnosis had another diagnosis first. On average they get four other diagnoses before the Bipolar one. Usually, somewhere along the line, they are diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, given an anti-depressant. At this point, on an antidepressant, 40% of clients with Bipolar experience an episode of mania or hypomania. Antidepressants given to people with Bipolar disorder also increase the likelihood they will become rapid cyclers.

Our understanding of this condition has changed over the years. To be honest the mental health profession’s understanding of most illnesses has changed a lot over the years. We used to call Bipolar Disorder by another name – Manic Depressive disorder. Clients continue to come into facilities and tell us that they have Manic Depressive Disorder and Bipolar, not understanding that both are the same thing, just a new name.

Currently, there are two principle camps in this debate – those who think too many people are being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and those who think that professionals are missing a lot of Bipolar Disorder. The controversy goes back to the first efforts at classifying anything, the lumpers, and the splitters. Some people would like a different name for every possible type of dog; other people are content to consider them all dogs, the same with mental illnesses. So what difference does it make? It could make a lot of difference.

Ira Glick, up at Stanford wrote an article a while back called Undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder: New Syndromes and New Treatments. This is not a really new article but it is important as we think about how the diagnosis is likely to change in the next few years when the DSM-5 comes out. Glick suggests that the true rate of Bipolar may be as much more than what is being diagnosed. We used to expect Bipolar Disorder to run 1% to 2 % of the population; recently it has been diagnosed closer to 7%.

We are starting to think of this condition as a spectrum disorder. So there is a range of symptoms and the ones with less noticeable symptoms are not getting diagnosed.

Does it matter if some mild cases are getting missed and not treated? Yes, it matters and the clients with the less prominent symptoms are not necessarily milder cases. Currently, we separate cases into Bipolar I and Bipolar II.  People who have Bipolar II don’t have pronounced episodes of mania. They do have other significant differences.

People with Bipolar II have way more unemployment. They get divorced more often; have more thoughts of suicide and more suicide attempts. This one disorder, according to Glick, accounts for more suicide attempts than any other mental illness, excluding personality disorders. This is a big problem since Bipolar II looks like Major Depression until the mania or hypomania kicks in.

Many people who eventually get the Bipolar Diagnosis are first seen by their primary care physician. Primary care doctors treat more than half of all the depression and anxiety. There are a lot of medical problems that are especially problematic for people with Bipolar Disorder. People with bipolar disorder are more likely to have migraines, diabetes, or obesity.

Medications for people with Bipolar are especially problematic. People with Bipolar II get antidepressants till they have a manic episode then they may get all sorts of meds. People with Bipolar I have the more pronounced psychosis and may get all kinds of heavy-duty antipsychotics. Sometimes people with depression have distorted thinking and we see psychosis. Sometimes the psychosis in Bipolar II looks a lot like Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective disorder, and a lot of other things.

We are also not sure how much of all this is a result of genetics and how much is learning. Some authors have talked about how personality traits, those supposed unchanging characteristic ways of behaving may be related to Bipolar Disorder.

In fact, there is some question as to which mental health issues are district illnesses and which are symptoms. A cough is easy to notice but what causes the cough can vary a lot from person to person.

Despite all the issues with diagnosis, Bipolar disorder in all its forms causes a significant amount of suffering. It is also a difficult disorder to manage for the client and for the professional. If there is a chance you or someone you know has this disorder get a professional evaluation. If you have Bipolar disorder become a knowledgeable client, and don’t give up hope, the treatment options continue to improve.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel