Narcissist in your life?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Peacock

Narcissist.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Discovered a narcissist in your life?

Suddenly one day it dawns on you that someone in your life is a narcissist. This person is causing you pain, and you are trying to figure out what to do about them. Maybe this narcissist is a family member, a romantic partner, or maybe it is your boss.

You see all the signs. They have an inflated opinion of themselves, think they’re superior to you and others. Everything is all about them. You notice that they are constantly trying to manipulate you. This narcissist keeps asking your opinion about them. They are hungry for praise but become furious if you criticize them. The more you are around them, the more you feel used. No matter how much you give, it is never enough. They are causing you a lot of pain, and they can’t seem to see why you feel the way you do.

Sure, looks like a narcissist. What are you going to do now?

They shouldn’t act that way, but they do.

The first thing most people do when it dawns on them that they’re dealing with the narcissist is to try to get that narcissist to understand how it makes them feel, and to change their ways. You can spend a lot of time talking to them, trying to get them to understand how they are affecting you. Not only don’t they get it, but they believe they are so special that they have the right to expect everything to be about their needs and wishes. No matter how hard you try, they will not change.

They may be incapable of change.

If this person is really a narcissist, they may be incapable of change. Some people are high in self-esteem, assertive, and confident. The psychologist would say they are high in trait narcissism. Since they are competitive and want to win, they expect everyone else to take care of himself and this person may be slow to recognize how they are impacting you.

If this person has reached the point of malignant narcissism, technically diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder, one of the symptoms of their disorder is a lack of ability to empathize with you. They’re not capable of seeing your point of view. Any change in this situation is going to have to come from you.

What other problems do they have?

As you think about how you can cope with the narcissist think about what other problems, particularly mental health challenges, this person may have. Do they have a history of antisocial behavior? This increases the risk for you. Narcissists who are also paranoid, have Histrionic or Borderline Personality Disorders, present challenges even to highly trained professionals. If the narcissist in your life also has depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder professional help, for them and you, will be needed. Especially avoid narcissists with addictive disorders may be a danger to themselves and others.

What choices do you have?

If you have identified a narcissist in your life, think carefully about your choices. If it’s a boss, you can learn techniques to manage your interactions. You may be able to transfer to a different department or find a different job. Keep in mind that a high level of narcissism is common in managers and in certain professions. Think carefully about whether this is something you can put up with or would it be emotionally healthier for you to leave.

For people in a relationship with a narcissist, you need to think about the long-term. If you been going together for two years, you may be telling yourself you have a lot of time invested. Ask yourself how you will feel if you have had to live with this person for 30 or 40 years?

If this is a family member, a parent, or sibling, decide if you can tolerate them in small doses. Some people find they have to move away and reduce contact.

Is this a recurring pattern?

Have you been in multiple relationships with narcissists? You need to take a look at yourself; possibly you will need therapy. If you were a child of a narcissistic parent, you might be attracted to a narcissistic partner. We become comfortable with what we are used to. If you are low in self-esteem, you will attract narcissists who will believe it would be easy to manipulate you. What is the solution to recurring problems? Work on changing yourself.

Will it get better with time?

People who are high in trait narcissism, competitive, self-confident people, tend to mellow with age. You may find that by lowering your expectations for those around you and learning to meet your own needs, that high narcissism person can become tolerable. Think about it. How will you cope with the narcissist in your life?

More about Narcissists.

As we move through our series of Narcissism posts, feel free to ask questions and leave comments. To help you find these posts, below are some links to point you in the right direction. Keep in mind that all the posts about narcissists appeared in the narcissism category, but links to future posts will not be live until future posts appear.

Narcissism category.                          Personality disorders.

Narcissistic traits.                               Psychology. (coming soon)

Narcissistic relationship partner.        Relationships.

Self-esteem.                                        Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Recommended Mental Health Books

David Miller at counselorssoapbox.com is an Amazon Affiliate and may receive a small Commission if you purchase a book or product using the link on this page. Using the link will not increase the cost to you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Aware.

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Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

conscious

Aware.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Aware.

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.”

― Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life

“Idols must never be touched: the gilt will come off on our hands.”

― Gustave Flaubert

“Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.”

― Vincent Van Gogh

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

How to destroy self-esteem.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

How many self-esteem destroyers have you experienced?

Low Self-esteem

Low Self-esteem.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

People around you may be doing things that undermine your self-esteem.

You may have done some of the same things to your family or friends.

Worse yet, you may have been doing these confidence-destroying things to yourself for a long time.

Look at these methods of undermining self-esteem. How many of these things are damaging your self-esteem?

Point out every mistake.

Having someone constantly point out every mistake you make is annoying. When others do this to you, it can lower your self-esteem. When you do it to yourself, it will undermine your confidence. Continually pointing out mistakes but never recognizing accomplishments can create a condition called learned helplessness. When you get the message that you cannot do anything right, you give up trying.

Withhold all praise.

Parents sometimes treat children this way. The old belief was that praising someone too much would give them “a swelled head.” Occasionally pointing out a shortcoming may help someone improve. Continually pointing out every mistake causes people to give up. Why would you continue trying if it is not possible to do it correctly?

Be careful not to praise someone for things that are trivial. Telling your child how great they did when they came in last in a race does not raise their self-esteem. When everyone gets a blue ribbon, the awards do not raise self-esteem. Recognizing effort, regardless of the outcome, does raise self-esteem.

There’s nothing wrong with taking credit for things done well. Make it a point to praise your family and friends and recognize their accomplishments. Give yourself credit. Don’t discount your accomplishments. Taking pride in the things you do results in taking pride in yourself.

Don’t expect others to be better at everything.

The expectation that everyone else is better than you at everything sets up an unrealistic standard. No one is the best at everything. Stop comparing yourself to others. Be careful that you do not set a higher standard of behavior for others than you set for yourself.

Self-handicapping, telling yourself that you are not capable of doing what others do may at first seems like a way to avoid disappointment. However, continually setting lower expectations for yourself damages your self-esteem. Accept yourself and others as good enough just the way you are, while you continue to work on improving yourself.

Don’t make your love conditional.

Being loved only when you do things for others, makes love a commodity. Accept yourself just the way you are. Don’t start believing that you are lovable only because of what you do for others. People who only love because you give them gifts, or do acts of service for them, are confusing love with using people.

Avoid role model failure.

Be careful about whom you pick for a role model. Avoid comparing you in your work clothes to others dressed for the red carpet. Avoid the trap of social media comparisons. If you have ten friends, be happy with that. Don’t compare yourself to someone who has 50 friends and then start believing you do not measure up. If you grew up without a role model, or with poor role models, spend some time becoming the kind of person you want others to model themselves after.

Expect perfection no matter what.

Quality is good. Striving to be your best is wonderful. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you must be perfect or you are no good. Perfectionists tend to drive themselves and others crazy. No matter how well things are done, it is never good enough. Trying to be perfect demolishes self-esteem, is an impossible goal, and is likely to lead to depression and giving up.

Criticize individual differences.

Avoid trying to be exactly like everyone else. Don’t be one of those people who criticizes everyone who does not fit the ideal exactly. Embrace your individuality. Allowing you to be yourself and others to be who they are, results in feeling positive about yourself and others.

Use shame to motivate.

Shame is the feeling that you are a bad person. Some people in families try to control others by shaming them. There’s a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says you did something bad don’t do it again. Shame says you made a mistake; you are a bad person. Shaming yourself and others undermine self-esteem and can lead to giving up all efforts to improve.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Anxiety.

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Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

Anxiety provoking.

Anxiety.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Anxiety

“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”

― Epictetus

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”

― Kahlil Gibran

“Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”

― Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Obstacles to reaching your dreams.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Barriers to dreams

Obstacles to reaching your dreams.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Don’t let these things get in the way of reaching your dreams.

You have dreams. You have goals. Time passes by, but you don’t seem to be getting any closer to reaching your objective. If the harder you work, the farther away your dreams appear to be, take another look at the way you’re going about the pursuit of your goals. You may be the one placing obstacles in your way. There are some common ways that you may be preventing progress towards your desired outcome.

You don’t believe in yourself.

If you don’t believe in yourself who will? Spending lots of time in self-doubt distract you from progress towards goals. Believe in yourself. Picture your goal already accomplished. Don’t send your brain mixed signals. Get very clear on what your goal is and stay focused on your vision.

Lack of knowledge.

Not having the needed knowledge or skills will get in the way of reaching your objective. Plan your course of action. Do an inventory of the skills you will need to reach your objective. If there is knowledge or skills you don’t have, decide which knowledge you will need to acquire. You won’t need to have every possible skill. Decide which knowledge you will need to acquire for yourself and which skills you can hire. Don’t try to do everything yourself. Then acquire the skills you will need to chart your course.

Ignoring the advice of your coach or mentor.

Choose your advisers carefully. Pay attention to the advice you get. The smartest and most successful people pick good coaches, and they listen to that coach’s advice. A good mentor is someone who has traveled part of the path you will need to travel. Pick coaches who will tell you the truth. Avoid yes men or overly agreeable women. Hearing others repeat what you said does not add value to your conversations.

Ignoring the details.

In the pursuit of your dream, you need a broad picture of where you’re going. Make sure to fill in the little details you will need along the way. Your plan must not leave out steps you will need to take. Great structures can collapse when you leave out part of the foundation.

Mistreating others.

In your pursuit of that dream, treat others kindly. The people you mistreat may try to prevent you from reaching your goal. Along your journey, it will help to have allies. When others see you mistreating people along your path, they will not want to assist you.

Taking care of your physical health.

Being physically healthy will aid you in the pursuit of your dream. Poor health will become an extra burden. Failure to take care of yourself will not speed your journey. Time spent neglecting self-care becomes an obstacle on your path. Physical health can deteriorate a little at a time. The longer you neglect your physical health, the larger an obstacle your poor health can become.

Poor mental or emotional health.

Mental health issues, depression, anxiety, anger, are needless obstacles to reaching your dreams. There’s no virtue in needless suffering. You will spend your whole life with you. Become the happiest, best-adjusted person you can be. Poor mental and emotional health is a major obstacle to reaching your life dreams. The sooner you clear these obstacles out of your path, the easier your journey will become.

Not Enjoying the present.

Make sure to enjoy the process of moving towards your goals. There will be times when you must work hard and do unpleasant things. If the process of pursuing your dream requires doing a lot of things you dislike, your failure to enjoy the process will become a major obstacle in the pathway to your goal. Failing to enjoy the process is an unnecessary obstacle.

Not getting help when you need it.

Don’t be afraid to help others or to accept help from them when you need it. Getting the help, you need, will remove obstacles. By not seeking help or accepting it, you are creating additional barriers to achieving success.

Failing to plan.

Not planning is the equivalent of trying to build a building without a blueprint. A plan does not need to interfere with creativity. Creative types need to plan for an environment that is conducive to creating, and they need to plan for the materials they will need to execute that creative product. The lack of a plan will leave you wandering in life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Independence.

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Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

Declaration of independence.

Independence.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Independence.

“Independence is my happiness, and I view things as they are, without regard to place or person; my country is the world, and my religion is to do good.”

― Thomas Paine, Rights of Man

“To find yourself, think for yourself.”

― Socrates

“It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority.”

― Benjamin Franklin

“There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.”

― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Why they think you’re a narcissist.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Peacock

Narcissist.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Have you been called a narcissist?

Among the reasons that people come to counseling, conflicts with others are high on the list. When a relationship comes apart, whether that relationship is a work one or an intimate one, it’s common to blame the other person. Sometimes both people involved, blame each other. The accusations usually include calling each other selfish, self-centered, and narcissistic.

At first encounter, the narcissist looks full of self-confidence. Closer examination may reveal someone who feels insecure, and needs reassure. Counselors and coaches find people who are high in narcissism difficult to work with. They are prone to think highly of themselves while having low opinions of others. Here are some of the behaviors that may be causing others to label you a narcissist.

You have grand dreams.

Having great dreams is a wonderful thing. Beginning to think that because you are pursuing large goals, you are an important person, is the result of an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Pursue huge dreams but avoid getting a large head. If you want to accomplish great things you need to keep your ego in check.

You think there is no limit to your success.

You can be great at a few things, good at some things, but no one is successful at everything. If you start believing everything you do is better than others, you are leaving reality for delusions. Expecting to win and everything leaves you unprepared for setbacks. Believing you’re the greatest at everything alienates others around you.

You need lots of applause to keep you going.

Recognition feels wonderful, but if you begin to have cravings for admiration, you are headed towards the narcissistic addiction. Expecting everyone to recognize your greatness, and then being hurt when they fail to give you the admiration you expect, reeks of Narcissism.

You expect to be treated in special ways.

Feelings of entitlement are warning signs you are on the road to narcissism. Be careful about believing your own PR. Regardless of the position you occupy treat others the way you would like to be treated. If you start believing that you deserve special treatment, you’ll start looking down at others. Believing your superior drives others away. Your specialness may be pathological narcissism.

You believe it’s okay to get over on others.

The best deals are the ones where both people benefit. If you start believing that it’s okay to take advantage of others, others will not want to be around you. Severely narcissistic people treat others as objects there only to meet their needs. If you treat people like things, you create resentments. If you act narcissistic, people will call you a narcissist.

You can’t feel empathy.

Not being able to put yourself in another’s shoes, results in others not wanting to walk alongside you. Narcissists see things only from their point of view. They can’t understand what others are feeling.

Have you convinced yourself that others envy you?

Riding the envy Express is a fast track to loneliness. Once you convince yourself that others are jealous of you, it’s easy to start being envious of them. Hater’s convince themselves that everyone else hates them.

Your successes have made you arrogant.

Once you convinced yourself that you can do everything better than others, that everyone hates you, and that you are entitled special treatment, your thinking, your behavior, and your speech become arrogant.

People make you angry.

If you come to believe that your anger is caused by other people you have begun to take yourself far too seriously. Take ownership of your feelings. Others have their reasons for what they say and do. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that other’s behavior has something to do with you.

Your anger quickly turns to rage.

You start excusing your anger outbursts, and now you are going from zero to homicidal rage in seconds’ flat. Living in the land of rage points to your already having crossed the border into narcissism.

Your self-esteem has blown up like a balloon.

Rapidly expanding self-esteem requires lots of input to keep it inflated. Have you experienced complement shortage, and you are constantly fishing for compliments to keep your ego fed. If you believe that others ought to be recognizing your greatness, telling you how wonderful you are, you have left the land of reality.

You do a lot of blaming others?

As you feel more important and more entitled, you may start believing your failures are the results of others letting you down. The more you take the “it’s not my fault” stance, the easier it is to find others to blame. People who become highly narcissistic never accept any blame.

As a highly important person, you expect perfection from others.

The more your ego inflates, the more you expect perfection of others. You said impossibly high standards and those around you feel the strain. Setting impossibly high goals for others, while making excuses for yourself is the narcissistic thing to do.

More about Narcissists.

As we move through our series of Narcissism posts, feel free to ask questions, and leave comments. To help you find these posts, below are some links to point you in the right direction. Keep in mind that all the posts about narcissists appeared in the narcissism category but links to future posts will not be live until future posts appear.

Narcissism category.                          Personality disorders.

Narcissistic traits.                               Psychology. (coming soon)

Narcissistic relationship partner.        Relationships.

Self-esteem.                                        Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Adventurous.

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Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

Adventurous man

Adventurous.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Adventurous

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”

― Eleanor Roosevelt

“The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.”

― Oprah Winfrey

“Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.”

― Danny Kaye

“Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.”

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Are you dating a narcissist?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

a narcissist

Is he a Narcissist?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Can you spot the narcissist in your life?

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can result in long-term emotional damage. Much has been written about the consequences of relationships with narcissists. There are books about healing from the damage narcissists can do. Some people report having had multiple relationships with narcissistic others.

How do narcissists manage to appear so wonderful at the beginning of relationships? Do you know the signs to watch for to spot a narcissist? How long does it take for a narcissist to reveal they’re true nature?

People in recovery from relationships with narcissists have reported that in the early stages of dating, the narcissist is a great deal of fun to be with. On average, it took seven dates for the narcissist’s true nature to appear. Unfortunately, many people had begun sexual relations with the narcissist before the troubling aspects appeared. They often did not realize what they have gotten into in time.

It’s important to know that there are several kinds of narcissism. In psychology, sometimes the term narcissism describes people who are high in self-confidence. In mental health, pathological narcissism is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There’s a world of difference between being in a relationship with a strong, assertive person and having a partner who only thinks about themselves.

First date with a narcissist.

People who sought treatment for the consequences of being in a relationship with a narcissist reported that in the beginning, the narcissist appeared agreeable, competent, intelligent, confident, and entertaining. The narcissist is often a very good dresser. They’re likely to surround themselves with expensive things, fancy cars, extravagant homes, luxury possessions, rather than practical items.

When the narcissistic problems appear.

By the seventh date, the problems were apparent. The narcissist began acting arrogant, overestimating their abilities, bragging, and hostile. Pathological narcissists consider themselves successful with the opposite sex because of having had many serious relationships. Often they were dating and sleeping with, multiple people at the same time.

Highly narcissistic people experience more extreme emotions. While emphasizing how strongly they were attracted sexually, they had high levels of jealousy and obsessed over their partner.

Relationships with narcissists are characterized by being full of turmoil and are high in instability.

Most narcissists are men.

The characteristics that define narcissism are traits that have traditionally been valued in men. The narcissist is all about being important. They have a high need for admiration. Grandiosity and self-centeredness are other defining characteristics of narcissism. Narcissists are competitive, but for them, competition is all about winning. Some high self-esteem is a good thing, but having too high an opinion of yourself results in toxic relationships.

Women who score high narcissistic traits.

Some women score high on personality tests for some narcissistic characteristics. Rather than being important, women tend to emphasize being close. They’re likely to be overly invested in others. As a result, women are more likely to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or dependent personality disorder.

It’s common to find dependent people, those with low self-esteem, attracted to narcissists. In the early stages of the relationship being with this fabulous other makes them feel good about themselves. Unfortunately, they rarely realize they have begun a relationship with a narcissist until they are so deeply involved they find it impossible to leave.

More about Narcissists.

As we move through our series of Narcissism posts, feel free to ask questions, and leave comments. To help you find these posts, below are some links to point you in the right direction. Keep in mind that all the posts about narcissists appeared in the narcissism category but links to future posts will not be live until future posts appear.

Narcissism category.                          Personality disorders.

Narcissistic traits.                               Psychology. (coming soon)

Narcissistic relationship partner.        Relationships.

Self-esteem.                                        Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Recommended Mental Health Books

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Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

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For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Perfectionists make themselves unhappy.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Unhappy.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Trying to be perfect causes pain.

Some people believe that the way to achieve happiness is to be perfect at everything. Unfortunately trying to be perfect leaves you chasing an unattainable goal. The closer you get to your goal the larger the gap between what you have accomplished and perfection will appear. Often perfection seekers become so focused on their errors that they become blind to their accomplishments. In students, we often find the B student is far happier than straight A student. These perfectionist habits can follow people the rest of their lives and create a lot of unhappiness.

Here are some of the reasons why people who aim for good enough may be happier and enjoy life more.

They focus on learning the big idea stuff, not every detail.

Students who attempt to get straight A’s often try to memorize large masses of data. The average student is more likely to try to grasp the concepts and may be better applying those ideas to other novel situations.

Outside of school perfectionists can’t let go of that focus on detail. Some parents are so busy trying to create the perfect birthday party for their child, the right napkins, the right gifts, the right guests; they forget to include some fun things for the child.

They enjoy what they have.

The B average student who occasionally gets an A is likely to be delighted. The student with an all A’s record gets one B, is likely to consider themselves a failure. Their effort to be perfect interferes with their ability to be happy with what they have.

Many adults are unable to enjoy their successes. The matter how much you accomplish someone else may have done more. Perfection is a yardstick that keeps stretching. When you focus on an imperfection, it grows until you can’t see anything else.

They can take the time to enjoy the process.

All A students frequently sacrifice their friends, family, and social relationships because they feel they must study constantly. Students with lower GPA’s often can enjoy a better school life balance.

When you focus only on getting everything right, the stress can become unbearable. The matter what you do you’re likely to be miserable. People who enjoy the process can cut themselves some slack.

They don’t need to always be right. Fewer conflicts.

Students who are driven to get every answer right find themselves arguing when they get a question wrong. Students who are less grade motivated more easily entertain other possibilities. They are better at developing learning relationships rather than conflicted, I am right, you are wrong, relationships.

In the workplace, perfectionists find it difficult to admit their errors, to themselves and to others. There are likely to develop resentments and blame others when things don’t go right.

They see possibilities, not rules.

Students who attempt to get all A’s are likely to seek for absolute rules. Other students are more capable kicking around alternative possibilities. They may better grasp how to apply principles to varying situations.

Perfectionists tend to have lots of rules for themselves and others. They live in the land of tyranny, of the must’s and the should’s. This inflexibility creates conflict. People who attempt to live life on the “good enough” basis are more open to change and new experience.

They can think for themselves.

Creative students can see how to take what they’ve learned and applied it to other areas and other situations. Students are motivated to be perfect are likely to look for the page number on which the correct answer appears.

At the heart of creativity is an openness to novelty and new things. When you continue to do things the way they “should be done” nothing can ever change.

They can apply information from other disciplines.

B students may know a little about many things. They often are motivated by trying to see how the past knowledge applies to the current issue. It may also look for ways to take what they are currently learning and apply that new knowledge to the things they already do.

Allow yourself to be open to new possibilities. You may well discover that trying something new will bring you a lot of happiness.

They get to know themselves.

Learners who seek internal validation learn because it makes them happy to do so. They’re able to test new knowledge against what they already know and see how this connects with their values and goals. Students who are highly motivated to find the “correct answer” may lose who they are in their effort to think like the master.

When you stop trying to come up with the right answer for others you may find the right answer for you.

They see things as they are.

Students who are motivated by high grades often believe that their self-worth is measured by their GPA. Students who are more internally motivated, avoid the delusion of thinking that a particular score on a test in any way measures their worth as a person.

As an adult, being open to possibilities, allows you to enjoy the process of life by avoiding focusing on who or what is not perfect.

They know when to keep at things and when to cut their losses.

B students tend to put the effort to get big picture ideas. They know that beyond a certain putting in more time studying results in ever decreasing returns. Spending large numbers of hours trying to memorize every fact in a book made increase their final grade by a point or two, but memorized facts are likely to be soon forgotten.

Throughout life knowing when to stick to something until it’s finished and when to give up on something that will never be possible is an important skill. Far too many people stay stuck in an unhappy situation because the only option they know is to keep working harder trying to get everything perfect.

One key to happiness is to strive for your very best while accepting that your best is good enough.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Two David Joel Miller Books are available now!

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Casino Robbery is a novel about a man with PTSD who must cope with his symptoms to solve a mystery and create a new life.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

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For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. A list of books I have read and can recommend is over at Recommended Books. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.