How to avoid confusion and misunderstandings.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Avoiding confusion and misunderstandings

Avoiding confusion and misunderstandings
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do misunderstandings and confusion harm your relationships?

Misunderstandings can damage relationships at home and at work. If your life and relationships are plagued with misunderstandings, people misunderstand you or they say you misunderstand them, there are ways you can improve communications. These examples apply mostly to the office or work setting but the same principles apply at home and in your personal relationships.

Asking lots of questions reduces misunderstandings.

Rather than jumping to a conclusion based on a few statements, ask questions. Often as you get more information you will discover that the other person left out important details. They may not have been trying to lie or mislead you, they just did not know that you did not have part of the information.

When someone uses the word “hot” do they mean a warm temperature or do they mean very desirable? If they talk about plans to go somewhere do they intend to go there today or next month or after they retire?

Many misunderstandings are the result of bits of information that were left out.

Check out your understandings to avoid confusion.

When someone says we are all going, who is all? Does that include Mary? And Bob? What if Mary and Bob just broke up, does the speaker still want them both invited? Does the person you are talking with know about that break-up?

The other person may assume you know what they know or that you are thinking about the same place they are. Ever show up for a meeting and find that the person who called the meeting had a different location in mind but failed to convey that information?

Precise language makes things clearer.

Fuzzy language leads to misunderstandings. Strive to fill in the details. Things like “and stuff” and “you know what I mean” leave a lot of room for serious misunderstandings.

How big is big? If we need a lot of paper is that one ream, or 100 reams? If your partner says to not let the kids do something is that today or ever? Should you tell them no or are you expected to hold them down and stop them?

Put it down in writing to get it right.

A saying in many offices is that “if it is not down in writing than it didn’t happen.” Documenting things avoids misunderstandings. This is especially important if there is money involved or someone is doing something now and the other person will do something else later. When is later?

Successful meetings usually have minutes. Deciding who will do what works better if it is written down and everyone gets a copy of the minutes. More than once we have done that only to find that not everyone was in agreement. I thought one person was in charge and someone else thought they were in charge of that activity.

Just because I said we needed to do something did not mean that I planned to be the one to do it.

Written lists are important in your home life as well as your work one. Give kids more than one thing to do and they tend to forget the second and third things. Written chore lists help avoid forgetting.

When I am going to the store I make a written list. Otherwise, I get one ingredient but forget something else and need to make a second trip. This becomes more problematic when someone else needs to do the shopping for me.

Check back during the process to keep the communication working.

If things will take time to get accomplished it is wise to check back as the project progresses. Things change. The person who said they would do something may have gotten sick or discovered they had too many other things to do.

Checking in as things progress lets plans be adjusted. Better to change plans than to spend a lot of time at the end on whose fault it is that something did not get done or was done wrong.

Double and triple check your facts for reduced misunderstandings.

Sometimes that thing you were sure you knew turns out to not be true. Recheck dates, times, names, and costs. Get those facts right.

Sunday your family member says that there is an important meeting “next Monday” Does that mean tomorrow or a week from tomorrow. I know purists have ways of telling you the correct way to say things, but does it matter who was right when you show up for an event on the wrong day? Recheck the facts and avoid the misunderstandings.

Make your yes’s yes and no’s no.

Sometimes people say yes to acknowledge that they heard the speaker. They may be agreeing that so and so said that, but not agreeing to the truth of the statement or that they will do as requested. No may mean that the statement was not accurate rather than that they were opposed to the goal.

Do not say yes or no unless that is what you mean. When others say yes or no check what they are agreeing with or disagree with.

Don’t take things personally.

People may say things about others’ behavior. They have in mind a particular behavior and a particular person. They may not have you in mind at all.

Do not assume that people are knowledgeable about your needs or tastes.

Keep things simple.

The longer the statement the more time there is for there to be confusion and misunderstanding. Long explanations rather than making things clearer often make them harder to understand. For clearest communication use short simple sentences. Check that people are following what you say as you go.

Many misunderstandings are the result of a long conversation with few pauses which leave the listener with a different message than was intended. The less the person you are talking to knows about your topic the simpler the explanation needs to be. This is especially important in communicating with younger children and those with some emotional or mental disabilities or cognitive impairments.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Is Rumination Chewing up your mental health?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

rumination

Rumination.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

What is Rumination and why is rumination destroying your mental wellness?

Rumination, that habit of turning things over and over in your mind, has a lot of impact on your mental health. The more we learn about rumination the more seriously we find it is affecting people’s mental health.

Various authors have suggested alternative definitions for rumination as applied to mental health. Rumination means, to me, that something is bothering you and you keep turning that thing over and over in your mind. Reynolds (2014) describes rumination as a “maladaptive form of self-reflection.”

In rumination the focus is on yourself, judging yourself and how you reacted to the event, rather than in learning from those events. For the ruminator, if things went wrong this must mean that you are bad, people treated you badly, or that this is the result of some personal weakness that will continue to hold you back.

Casey Truffo refers to this as “chewing on the thing that is eating you.” The result is that rather than finding a solution to your problem or moving forward, you stay stuck in your upset over these things.

Excess rumination has been linked to depression, anxiety, stress, and other mental illnesses.

Thinking about the past and the future can be helpful. This review of life can aid us in recognizing errors and learning from experience. It can also be part of planning for the future. What goes wrong in ruminating is that the focus shifts from the facts, this is what did or may happen, to looking at the feelings. I could not stand it if this or that happened. Or you may be saying this is too painful to bear, is not fair, and so on.

Rumination is about judging the rightness and wrongness of things. It involves beliefs that things will not be well and looking for who to blame. Most often this involves beliefs that the reason something bad happened is because you did something “wrong.” Ruminating about the future includes beliefs that you are powerless and helpless if things happen that you do not foresee and can’t control.

This pattern of ruminating on the past and certain negative possible futures seems to me to also be involved in maintaining and aggravating the adjustment and stress-related disorders. Intrusive thoughts become worse the more you focus on them. Looking for possible crises can result in being overwhelmed and living in a world full of crises.

There is a strong connection between ruminating and alcohol abuse. Ruminators are most likely to binge drink in response to their negative self-thoughts. Those who are frequent Ruminators are also more likely to have anger management problems.

Ruminating is also an aggravating factor in eating disorders and is hugely connected with non-suicidal self-injury. Rumination can damage relationships and is related to adult attachment style issues.

Dwelling on your negative thoughts, your reviewing of past failures keeps you stuck.

Rumination has been linked to negative automatic thoughts. Think negative thoughts often enough and those thoughts are practiced to the point of becoming automatic. Practice thinking that everything is wrong, awful, and horrible, and will always be that way, and you have created a negative destiny.

Rumination is that annoying advertising jingle that keeps playing in your head. Think about those negative thoughts enough and they may be stuck in there forever.

Ruminating about the past cranks up the depression feelings.

The questions most often asked by ruminators are “Why?” and “What if?” Continuing to think about why did this happen, it should not have happened, it is horrible, awful, that this happened, results in ever-increasing feelings of sadness and depression.

Ruminating about the future is a major cause of Anxiety Disorders.

Repeated thoughts of what if? Rehearsing all the possible things that could go wrong, is a good way to anxious yourself up.

The belief that you “should” ruminate, that repeatedly turning over these past experiences or future possibilities are necessary, maintains the rumination, and results in ever-increasing spirals of negative emotions. Your own belief that you need to figure this out keeps you stuck. Some things can’t be figured out or do not need to be analyzed. Dwelling on your negative thoughts, your reviewing of past failures keeps you trapped. Acceptance rather than rumination may be the best option.

Co-rumination.

Some ruminators bring others in on their rumination process. The term co-rumination has been coined to refer to times when a relationship between two people exists primarily so they can both ruminate together about each other’s problems. Spend all your time ruminating and others in your life either have to join in the negative thought game or find a way to escape the negativity. Ruminating may drive family and friends away. Those who are left will be as negative as you.

How this is like and how it is different from therapy will be a part of a future post on co-rumination.

Do you ruminate? Are you stuck on turning those thoughts of past mistakes over and over in your head? Now is the time to break the rumination cycle and start a new happy and mentally healthy life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Mental Illness or Mental Health?

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By David Joel Miller.

Do people have a mental illness or are they in poor mental health?

Mental Health or Mental Illness

Mental Health or Mental Illness?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The language we use influences the way we think about things. Talking about mental illness or talking about mental health is a prime example of this issue. While the two expressions turn up in much of what is currently being called “Behavioral Health” literature the implication embedded in these two terms influences what we expect and how we react to the people being referred to.

The mental illness paradigm.

The older, traditional way of looking at the subject of mental illness was to assume that there were two types of people – the “normal” folk and then those other “mentally ill” people.

One implication of this concept was that people with a mental illness were not able to do things other people could do. The result was programs and policies that assumed those with a diagnosed mental illness would need lifetime help to manage their lives.

There was a time when those with a mental illness were lumped together with those who had significantly lower I.Q., once called the “mentally retarded” or “developmentally delayed.”

If we think in terms of mental issues being a disease or disorder then the first line of treatment as with physical illnesses should be medication and surgery, the standard treatments of choice for physical illnesses and conditions.

Despite over half a century of treating mental illness with medication and surgery the number of people who are diagnosed with a mental illness continues to rise. Fewer seem to be getting cured but everyone now gets diagnosed.

The Mental Health option.

If we think in terms of mental health, then many other things follow. Many of the things we have been referring to as mental illnesses become a matter of degree rather than an illness that you have or do not have.

Something bad happens to you, you lose a family member or a job, you become sad, a normal human emotion, then eventually you should get over sadness no treatment needed. Should you become too sad or the sadness persists too long then the label and the corresponding treatment would change.

Sadness or grief becomes Major Depressive Disorder when it gets out of hand.

Another example – Anxiety.

We have a range of Anxiety disorders. Now anxiety is a close cousin to afraid or scared. So if people are shooting at you I think you should be scared and duck behind something. That scared, anxious, avoidance of things may save your life.

But should that anxiety begin to get out of control, every time you hear a car door slam or see someone on the street, if you become too anxious to leave your house, that is a problem.

Clearly, most of the things professionals diagnose as an anxiety disorder are much more severe than the things we consider normal but it is easy to see how the two overlap.

Wellness and recovery.

The concepts of wellness and recovery have challenged the way we think about this issue. If we allow that people can move back and forth on the continuum of mental health then there would be times when a particular person was mentally ill and other times when they were in better mental health.

Rather than thinking exclusively in terms of mental illness and diseases, we should be thinking about mental health as similar to physical health. There are times we are in better health than at other times. Someone could have “poor mental health” and be in need of prevention or restorative services long before they reached the point of what we have been calling a mental illness.

The Mental Illness Violence dilemma.

The news has been full of accounts of people who became violent and harmed others. The common discussion revolves around whether they were “mentally ill” and why no one had detected their illness beforehand and prevented that violence.

What if that person had been in poor mental health for some time and then eventually their mental health deteriorated to the point it could have been diagnosed as what we are currently calling a mental illness?

Could an intervention have been conducted while this person was in the pre-mental-illness stage that would have prevented their condition from deteriorating to a mental and a behavioral issue?

If the mentally ill are somehow different from the normal people then no, no prevention is possible but if there is such a thing as mental health that gets better and then gets worse and then better again there are things that can be done to prevent relapses into active mental illness.

We have had that violence – mental illness connection wrong.

A little more on the mental illness violence connection. Those with a mental illness are far more likely to be the victim of a crime rather than the perpetrator.

Most of those workplace and school shootings? Those were often the result of someone who appeared normal or close to it until they were fired from their job, served with divorce papers, or found out their partner was cheating on them.

Remember, as reprehensible as it is that even one child died in a school shooting, each year for every child who dies in a school shooting, from ten to twenty children are shot at home by a biological parent who then shoots themselves.

Rather than having had a long-term diagnosable mental illness, I believe there is good evidence that many of these violent incidents were the inability of this person to cope with an identifiable stressor. Their problem was not a long-term severe mental illness but their inability to cope with stress that pushed them into a poor mental health state.

Many have suggested that the mental illness is just the way they are not to blame them for their having a disorder. I agree that they are not to blame for having gotten a mental illness. I doubt that anyone chooses to be sick mentally or physically.  That does not mean that the mentally ill have no hope and need to resign themselves to always being too sick to function. Recovery can happen. We see it happen every day.

Throughout the year I want to talk more about some of the tools that can be used to keep yourself mentally healthy and to reduce the impact of illness when it does occur.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Alexithymia and the Feelings Palette.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Managing feelings.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Your feelings palette – What feelings paint your life?

Most of us are familiar with the pallets artists use to hold and mix their paints when doing a painting or other artwork. The more colors on the palette the more opportunities the artist has to create an inspiring work of art.

Palettes are also defined as “a range of qualities in a non-visual art.” There are palettes for your taste buds and palettes to decorate the house. Designers use palettes of fabric or of looks and textures to make the things they design more appealing.

What we forget about, all too often, are those other pallets that get used to make life a better place, those feelings pallets you use to make that life within a place.

Alexithymia

Difficulty feeling what we are feeling and struggles to describe what you are feeling is sometimes referred to as Alexithymia. The simplest description of this condition is “I ain’t got a word to describe how I feel.”

Alexithymia is not technically a diagnosable disorder, despite the huge number of people who have this problem. People with trouble recognizing what they feel and then a vocabulary that allows them to describe that feeling fall on a continuum from very mild to extremely severe. Using tests specific for Alexithymia the best estimate is that ten percent of the U. S. population may have a severe form of this condition.

Alexithymia and Mental Illness.

Alexithymia overlaps certain mental health disorders and people with those conditions are more likely to have Alexithymia and the resulting difficulty identifying, naming, and working with feelings. Those with an Autism Spectrum disorder are more likely to show symptoms of what might be called Alexithymia.

Alexithymia also overlaps depression and anxiety and the more depressed or the more anxious someone is the harder it may be for them to recognize feelings. Disorders that cause numbing as in the Stress disorders, PTSD and Acute Stress disorders and dissociation can also have features of Alexithymia. Alexithymia has also been reported in those with an eating disorder.

People who have difficulty recognizing and naming feelings when they feel them also have difficulty in recognizing what others around them feel and may be perceived as uncaring and unfeeling.

There is a difference between not recognizing that you are feeling and the ability to name or describe a feeling. Some people know they are feeling something they just do not have the feelings vocabulary to describe to themselves and others what it is they are feeling.

Many men were socialized to have this condition. There was a time when feelings were suspect and people tried very hard to never ever have feelings. This resulted in a lack of learning about feelings and an inability to recognize what you feel and how to respond appropriately.

If the only feelings you have are “Good, Bad, and ANGRY” you will be angry a lot. You also may have difficulty recognizing what makes you feel “good or bad” and how to regulate your emotions.

Learning to recognize feelings when you have them and learning to develop the skills to increase or decrease feelings when you need and want to, is an important part of anger management training.

How can you learn to control your anger if you do not recognize when you are or are becoming angry?

Learning about feelings.

Learning to recognize and identify feelings is a part of most counselor training programs. To date I have written about 60 posts on various feelings and emotions which you will find under:

Emotions and Feelings

Posts on Anger and Anger Management are at:

Anger Management

I think one reason feelings are so troubling to so many people is that if you do not know anything about feelings you have a hard time recognizing them. This goes for all kinds of other things as well. How can you find something if you don’t know what it looks like?

I wrote about this in a post about the “expert effect” which you will find at:

Expert effects Memory and the Purple Glass.

Periodically this year I would like to publish some posts on various feelings in the cause of “Emotionally Literacy” an effort to improve people’s ability to recognize feelings and make them your friends.

I hope you will all join me in these discussions.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Choosing between the law or your ethics, a dilemma for counselors.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ethics.

What if the law says the counselor should do something but doing it will hurt someone?

Occasionally a reader sends in a question that has far-reaching consequences. The question below made me stop and think about what we counselors and therapists do, and how that fits into the larger context of the world around us and the issues of what is right and wrong.

“What if a 16-year-old girl is being sexually abused by her uncle and he threatens her not to tell anybody, but she tells her therapist. On the other hand in the girl’s culture, any girl who lost her virginity before marriage should be killed, what would a therapist do in this situation?”

Every profession has those times when the ethics of that profession conflict with the laws of that time and place. Psychiatry and mental health are not immune to these conflicts.

In past posts, I have written a lot about what counselors have to report and what they can keep confidential. My posts were based on the laws and customs of America, California in particular. They assume that the people who live here all adhere to the dominant culture and values and that things will work out the way they are supposed to.

What about the times that things do not go according to plan?

Psychotherapy as it is currently practiced, talk therapy, has a distinctly western flavor. The things we take as givens here in America may not be truths in other places. What is true today has not always been true even here in the United States.

The status of Women and Children has changed dramatically in the history of the United States. The standing of women, their rights to education, the vote, and the treatment that they can expect are all very recent developments here. As recent news stories have demonstrated the consequences of violence towards women and children continue to evolve.

We have heard older colleagues, those who lived in Europe during the time of World War II and the Holocaust, told in detail why they would resist telling any government what a client reveals in therapy for any reason. This question from a reader suggests just such a reason for not revealing a mandated report.

Making exceptions to confidentiality is and always has been a slippery slope. Trying to apply current American standards to the practice of therapy in another place is highly problematic. Lest the reader think this is only a problem in some countries somewhere over there, I need to remind them throughout this essay of the times that American Therapists have been asked to lower the bar and report crimes of all sorts.

First, let me deal with the specifics of this question as it might happen here in California, then what might happen if American therapy was being practiced in a country with non-western laws, and lastly how these values creep may affect clients everywhere in the future.

To try to navigate this conflict between confidentiality and the government’s desire to know what people in therapy say we have created a host of laws and those laws have been modified by further statutes and court decisions. I am no lawyer but the lawyer’s rigged this game by telling us that “ignorance of the laws is no excuse.” Here is my lay understanding of our laws and an encouragement to anyone who is faced with these kinds of situations to consult your own legal advisor rather than rely on my imperfect understandings.

In the question above. The client is over 16. There would be different rules if she were 14-15 and other laws if she was under 14.  A client over 16 can consent to most kinds of sex. If the uncle is younger than age 26 and the sex is vaginal, no report. We report child sexual abuse, not crimes. What if the Uncle was 40 or he sodomized her? Then by law, we need to make this report.

A goal of child abuse reporting is to protect children. So if Child Protective Services believed that, based on cultural values, this family might kill this daughter for not being a virgin they could ask for a hold and remove the child from the family to protect her. Will they? That is questionable. The police or courts may not approve of the removal. The family may deny that they will harm the child and the child may stay in the home.

There have been cases reported in the media here were women committed adultery and the family knowing that they could not harm her here have returned to the country they came from where she could be stoned to death for that adultery. If this situation happened here in California could the family still kill this child or send her back to their home village where she would be killed? I think this is possible. Should our system protect her? Absolutely. Can we guarantee this? Maybe not.

This is a case where the therapist will need to consult with an attorney and then may elect to talk with the Child Protective Services or not depending on their belief that the system could protect this client, that and their sense of right and wrong. This is one reason that “informed consent” is so important. This client and all clients should be told upfront about what will and will not be reportable. In practice, this means trying to guess what things the client will want to talk about and doing the informed part, having long documents explaining informed consent, or having to stop if things are getting into an area that may be a problem and explain this as it applies to that client.

What if this therapist is practicing in a country where killing women who lost their virginity before marriage is an accepted practice? I think that American notions of ethical behavior may not apply well when a professional tries to practice western style therapy in a place that does not uphold western values.

Take an extreme case. If a counselor was still practicing in an area now controlled by ISIS (ISIL) they may be required to report clients who are practicing a “heretical religion” the result might be therapists who are ferreting out infidels and marking them for elimination. A therapist working in a totalitarian country would have to be very careful to not become a tool of the state in finding undesirables. Think about therapists who practiced in Nazi-occupied areas. See why they might be opposed to any requirement to report anything to the government?

Is America asking therapists to become informants?

I think that there is an increasing pressure to have therapists spot people who are doing illegal things and tell on them. Every time there is a violent crime on the news there are questions about why some mental health person did not spot this and report or stop it. There are many reasons why this does not work. The majority of people do not see therapists at all, ever, even when they need to. Those who do see a counselor often do not tell us that they are planning to do something.

Every therapist sees lots of people who have anger issues or emotional regulation problems and who MIGHT get violent. So far I have seen no system that predicts potential violence accurately enough that we could start locking people up who may do something in the future. There are just so many potentially violent people that the jails would not hold them all. Only a small fraction of those who “might become violent” ever do.

We have gone a long way to prevent people from being locked up for what they think or what someone else thinks they may do. There was a time when any man could get his wife locked up in a mental hospital for years just by saying she was crazy. Now the standards to detain people are pretty high and then only for a few days to be sure.

So what other things are therapists being asked to report?

Think of some of the things that could be potential reports and therefore exceptions to confidentiality. How about domestic violence? Or cruelty to animals? What about someone with AIDS who is not using protection and has multiple sexual partners. Are they doing something that could kill another person? Should we tell women if their partners are having affairs or what about homosexual experiences?

What about people who drive drunk? Or do drugs? If someone is selling drugs to elementary school kids? Should that get reported? Or maybe just drug dealing in general? How about cheating on your taxes or financial fraud?

While we are at it what about reporting terrorist activities?

There are some things, like child abuse and plans to kill yourself that most of us would agree need to be reported. I very much believe that therapists and society in general needs to keep all these exceptions to confidentiality at a minimum otherwise we will be turning therapists into practitioners of “enhanced interrogation techniques.”  Any of you who say that those techniques are not torture, would you like your ex and her lawyer to question you that way?

In a free society, we need to maximize people’s ability to be safe in what they tell their counselor. We also need to recognize that it can be a short hop from mandated reporting to fingering people who are members of an unpopular religion or political group. Remember that many societies are not as free and safe as we are here and in America. Staying this free requires vigilance and it means keeping the standards of confidentiality as high as possible.

To the reader who asked this question my suggestion is that someone in this situation should not be talking about this unless they can be sure about their safety. They should look for someone who can help them get to safety if possible. Try to find a way to end this situation soon or an unwanted pregnancy may end you.

Sometimes all a counselor can do is to help a client learn to cope with the situation and hope that situation will change. Hope this long answer shed some small light on the topic of confidentiality and mandated reports.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Making 2015 a great year

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By David Joel Miller

What is ahead for you in 2015?

Happy New Year

Happy New Year From Counselorssoapbox.com
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The New Year is upon us. For some this has come too soon, you were not ready to let 2014 go. For others 2015 could not have waited one more moment, you were ready for a new beginning. Either way here is wishing you the best year possible.

Some of you are nursing hangovers today, the physical alcohol-induced kind. Others find that their hangover is more emotional, an excess of negative feelings left over from the past year. Others of you are living with a hangover sufferer of the physical or the emotional variety.

Counselorssoapbox wants to be helpful no matter what difficulties you have carried forward from the last year. The official purpose of this blog is to be helpful in your creating the best life possible. I think of that as planning to be happy.

This year the plan is to continue to present posts on the topics of mental health and substance abuse, especially to mention the times that these two problems happen together. Those times when someone has both a mental illness and a substance use disorder is referred to as a co-occurring disorder or sometimes as dual-diagnosis.

But that will not be all we do.

Part of our discussion this year will be the continuing topic of mental illness, what it is, and how it can and should be treated. I have some concerns that a whole lot of normal problems of living have gotten converted into mental illnesses and the system is spending too much time managing people with mental illnesses and not enough time helping them recover. More on this to come.

There should be no doubt at this point that I believe in wellness and recovery. People with severe mental illness and substance use disorders do recover and are able to create great lives. Recovery in my view does not mean cured. So having recovered your life, there is a need for tools to keep you headed in the right direction.

People do not have one and only one problem in their life. Some people do not have a diagnosable mental illness or a substance use disorder and still, they have problems. I hesitate to call these folk “normal” because the line between normal and not-normal is getting increasingly blurry.

These problems of day-to-day life include things like jobs, getting and keeping them, children and parents, love and relationships, and a host of other issues. Counselorssoapbox will include some discussion of these activities of life that can cause you problems regardless of your mental or emotional state.

There are also topics that are not directly connected to problems, things like self-improvement and growth. We will talk about becoming the best, healthiest person you can be whether or not you have some other issue.

I do recognize that having one problem may put you at risk for others. Would someone who is unemployed and homeless have emotional difficulties? Probably. Now, what if they go through a divorce or breakup? These problems, sometimes called “life skills issues,” for want of a better term, will be the topic of some blog posts this coming year also.

Some technical, diagnoses, and treatment questions come up from time to time. Questions about the process of therapy, starting, stopping, and what does and does not stay confidential also come up. Some of you leave those questions in the comments or use the contact me form. Students in my classes and those I supervise also bring up those kinds of questions. Counselorssoapbox (Me) will try to answer those questions as much as possible. Keep those questions coming.

Some cautions here. This is a good place to remind you that nothing you read on the internet or in self-help books, (even my books when they get published) is a substitute for seeing a professional. It is not possible for me to do therapy via email or blog. If you need help please consider this and other blogs as information only and seek help from a local therapist or counselor. In an emergency call your local crisis number.

Thanks for reading this post or any others. If there is something you would like to ask, send the question on. Looking forward to making this the best year possible.

P.S. For those of you who were looking for a hangover cure for an alcoholic hangover? The only really effective one is time. Eventually, if you take care of yourself and do not drink more alcohol the hangover will pass. The secret cure for hangovers is prevention, not treatment. Next time drink less or possibly do not drink at all. Hope the hangover goes away soon.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Most read mental health blog posts 2015.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counselorssoapbox top posts 2014

Counselorssoapbox top posts 2014

What have people been reading on counselorssoapbox.com this last year?

Here is a list of the most read mental health, mental illness and substance abuse posts on counselorssoapbox.com over the last 12 month. Some of these have been in top mental health blog posts for a long time others are current topics or new self-improvement tips.

How much should you tell a therapist?           

Levels or types of Borderline Personality Disorder

Do people really forget what happened when drinking? – Blackouts 

Is nicotine a stimulant or a depressant?

Do therapists have to report a crime? 

Hyperthymia, Hyperthymic Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder     

Do therapists like fall in love with their clients? Why don’t they tell them?

What do drug dreams mean?

What are the six kinds of hallucinations?

6 ways to recover from Complex Trauma or Complex PTSD  

Are you Hyperthymic? 

Do therapists tell parents what kids say?

See you next time.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Mental Illness – counselorssoapbox looks back and ahead.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mental Health or Mental Illness

Mental Health or Mental Illness?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Mental health – Mental illness – the field is changing.

Mental illness has been in the news a lot this past year. Some of that coverage has been a good thing, some not so much.

The mentally ill and violence.

There has been more media coverage of the problems of mental illness and how this is affecting society. Unfortunately, the trend has been to portray everyone who commits a crime as somehow mentally ill and as different from the rest of us.

The truth of the matter is that those with a diagnosed mental illness are far more likely to be victims of crime than perpetrators. The labeling of those who have harmed others is all too often a label added on to them after the crime was committed. Saying that the person who became violent was mentally ill and this makes others feel safer. It can’t happen to me if I avoid “those people.”

What has been left out of this conversation is the role that stress in triggering violent behavior. Much more needs to be done to identify those under extreme stress and prevent that stress from developing into a diagnosable mental illness. Prevention in the mental health field pays big dividends for the person under stress and for society.

Unfortunately, the trend has been to deny that average people can become overwhelmed by life’s challenges and then develop a mental illness. Our systems continue to try to restrict help to those who are “broken” rather than seeing people with mental health issues as capable of healing and change.

Mental illness or mental health?

In the upcoming year, I want to write more on the conflict currently going on in our delivery systems between the concept of the mentally ill with its implication that those who have a mental illness never get better, and the belief that there are such things as mental health, recovery, and wellness. Stay tuned for some posts on how I and others think mental illnesses develop and how people recover from them.

New discoveries.

There has been a lot of news this year about the advances science is making in the area of research on the brain. We continue to learn more as time goes on. The more we learn the more complicated the whole topic of mental health and recovery becomes.

New drugs have been developed, more are on their way. When a medication works it can be miraculous, opening possibilities for life that would not have otherwise been possible. Sometimes meds work and sometimes they don’t. They work for one person and not another. We continue to wonder why.

Genetic studies are unlocking the secrets of the brain and nervous system that could not even be imagined a few short years ago. Scientists have discovered risk factors for many of the things we call mental illness, but risk factors do not tell us who with that risk factor will develop a condition and who will not.

New therapies and medications have allowed those with the most serious of mental illnesses to hold jobs that would have been thought impossible for them to achieve a few years ago. They lead productive lives. While many are rebuilding their lives despite a mental illness diagnosis the ranks of these receiving disability payments is at an all-time high. We continue to debate whether those with a diagnosis can be trusted in responsible positions. We talk about recovery being possible but design our treatment systems as if no one ever gets better and their lives need to be managed for them not by them.

The challenge of mental health and encouraging mental wellness continues to grow.

As another year draws to a close we need to look at where we have been and where we are going. Personally, I do not make resolutions but I do use this opportunity to take an inventory of how the past year went and I draw up some general plans for the year ahead.

The next year on counselorssoapbox.com.

Counselorssoapbox.com started out as a place for me to express my opinions on issues related to mental health, mental illness, substance abuse disorders, and the concept of wellness and recovery. Posts on self-care, thinking, memory, and feelings as well as becoming the best person possible continue to be included.

This might be a good place to mention again that nothing you read on a blog should take the place of seeing a professional for your health issues, mental or physical. I am not able to do therapy with readers and these are strictly my opinions. I try to respond to comments and contact me questions but can’t always get to them as quickly as I would like. If you or someone close to you is in a crisis get local emergency help.

I hope that some of what I write prompts people to take a look at themselves and their life and see what they may wish to work on.

Thanks to all of you who have been long-time readers. I had not expected counselorssoapbox to grow as much as it has. To date, at the end of 2014, counselorssoapbox has 850 posts on topics involving mental health hand illness, substance abuse, and self-improvement skills.

Most of these posts were written in my days off, evenings, and occasionally during lunch hours. Many of the ideas for posts were responses to questions that readers, clients, and other counselors and therapists have asked me. The idea file continues to grow. If only there was time to write all the posts that need writing. There is no staff at counselorssoapbox, just a progressively older me.

Most flattering has been the number of readers who access this blog from countries outside the United States. While there are legal and cultural differences from place to place, the reader comments tell me that the challenges of coping with a mental illness and staying mentally well are universal.

We will have one more counselorssoapbox post this year. Generally this time of year I look back and publish a list of the top or most-read posts on counselorssoapbox. Some of these top posts have been about very current issues. A few posts have been perennial favorites. The topics of those posts will be the subject of several books I am working on. Eventually, those books will get published and I will let you all know when that happens.

Thanks to all of you who read my blog and for your comments, likes, reblogs, shares, and all that tech stuff. Here is hoping that the New Year will be even better for all of you than the last one was.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

.

Happy Holidays From Counselorssoapbox

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Happy Holidays.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

 

Could you use a little magic?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.Magic

This time of year magical things seem possible.

Is there something you wish would happen but you can’t believe it is possible?  You would like a better job or a loving relationship but can’t see how that might ever be a part of your life. Sometimes it is difficult, maybe impossible, to imagine that life could ever be happy for you.

Not sure what a happy life might be like? Can’t figure out what you want because you keep getting stuck on what you think is possible and you tell yourself that the things you want could never happen. Not for you.

There is a way to move from stuck, looking for the possible, to unstuck, moving towards the goals you really want, and making them possible. Several schools of therapy use things like magic questions, creative visualization, or turning things over to God to allow better things to enter your life.

Ask yourself the magic question.

Try asking yourself a magic question. What if the genie waved their magic wand? What if you woke one day and your problems had all been solved? What would your life be like then?

Take some time to let this picture seep into your mind. Pictures, visualizing things takes us so much closer to that little child part of our brain. Feel the feelings as you turn this picture around in your mind. If your problems could be solved what would your life be like?

You do not have to believe, you just need to be willing to imagine.

Where would you be living? With whom? What would you be doing for a living? Don’t start saying things can’t happen, not for you. Believe in the power of magic; believe that this genie can make things happen. If you really believe then things can change for you.

Somehow it seems believable when I or others suggest that a genie with a lamp or a wizard with a magic wand could transform people’s lives. People who talk to me about their faith in God seem to have more difficulty believing that their God could or would change the things in their life.

I am inclined to think that this is more a matter of people’s lack of faith in God or a Higher Power than in any lack of ability on that Higher Powers part.

People who have experienced recovery have less difficulty in believing that their “Higher Power” could change things for them. They believe because they have experienced that life transformation.

The first step in creating the kind of life you really want, the kind of life you should be living is to picture it in your mind, to see it as possible. What you can picture you can create.

Be careful what you create.

Do you picture a world in which you are all-powerful and everything is about and for you? You can create a world of selfishness if that is what your mind pictures. When you use the power of imagining a life you want, be careful to think it through. Believe in, wish for a life that you know you shouldn’t have and you will get a world that shouldn’t be.

Do you want a good job? Do you want that job without effort? Then you will create a world of pretenses where you get hired for that thing you can’t do. Create a world in which you have a good job and can do it? Then you need to create the education and training that would support this life you are creating.

When we start to imagine a better life, the steps necessary to make that life move into reality become clear. What also emerges are the things about that fictional life that you may not be willing to put up with to have those goals.

Do you want successes at the risk of losing those you love?

In creating this magical world of your dreams get clear on your values and life goals. What is really important to you? Some dreams are best left in the dream world. Avoid spending too much time dreaming about things that shouldn’t be. Over time you become the things you think about the most.

Every day ordinary people create extraordinary, magical, events. They picture the world a better place. They believe that good things can happen for them and for others. Others imagine a world of pain and control where they are the supreme ruler. What kind of world do you choose to create?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel