Emotional problem or mental illness

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Confused brain

Mental illness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What is the difference between an emotional problem and a mental illness?

Emotions and mental illness Is there really a difference?

Back in the Freudian days, they tended to think that there were two kinds of problems, Neurosis and Psychosis. Those with Neurosis had problems of living; they were too sad, too anxious, or worried too much. Those with psychosis were clearly mentally ill. The heard voices saw things did things that looked irrational. We sent them away to the sanitarium, now called the state hospital. We also tended to mix the mentally ill in with those with an intellectual disability.

Then this nice neat system began to crumble.

Medication can reduce the symptoms of “mental illness.”

First, they discovered a medication that stopped or reduced the voices and other hallucinations. If a med could shut off voices, was the person with a psychotic disorder really “crazy” or did they have a treatable illness?

Then we found that voices were not an all or nothing phenomenon. They did not happen all the time to some of the people who had them. Sometimes hearing voices happen to the “normal” people. Very depressed people might hear voices sometimes and not others. Talk with them, watch their depression recede and the voices shut up.

Also, we found that most teenagers hear voices now and then. You hear a sound; do not know what it is and the brain interprets it as something you know well, like your own name.

Additionally, a lot of otherwise normal people hear angels or a religious figure; some people see or hear loved ones who have died. If it was a religious vision we were reluctant to call that psychosis.

The walls between emotional problems and mental illness began to get thin. In places, we thought we saw people crawl through the cracks in our system designed to keep the normal’s in one place and the mentally ill in the other places. We started calling those that crawled through the fence “borderlines” and other “personality disorders” because they seemed to live in the land between normal and not normal.

Recovery moments happen.

Then came various assorted recovery movements. There was recovery from alcoholism, addiction, and gambling. There was also the consumer movement and then we saw that people with serious and persistent mental illness can and do recover.

People, prominent, important people, came forward and talked about their struggles with mental illness and their own very personal stories of recovery.

The newest trend is to talk in terms of wellness and recovery. That life’s emotional problems are on a continuum. You may have times when you are stressed or depressed and your emotions get out of control. There are other times that your emotions are on a par with the best of them.

Acute versus chronic mental illnesses.

Clearly, for some people, life is more challenging than others. Some people have hereditary predispositions to having more of one problem or another. Some people have multiple problems to deal with. Some people’s problems are chronic and other people’s problems may get better or worse and then better again.

Some of those conditions we have come to call “mental illnesses” have an underlying structural difference in the brain. Some emotional problems are the result of difficult experiences in life. The brain rewires itself based on experiences. Not everyone has or should have all the same skills or the same challenges.

What we continue to see is that these things that bring the majority of people for mental health treatment are not those long-term underlying differences. What most trips folks up are the everyday problems of living, the unemployment, the relationship conflicts, and the times of loneliness.

The line between those with a serious and persistent mental illness and those with a current emotional problem is becoming harder to find.

The truth is that everyone has times of emotional difficulties and everyone can recover and have a happier, better life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Systematic desensitization – conquering fear.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anxiety provoking.

Fear and Anxiety.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Anxiety can be a stubborn foe.

It is tempting to avoid the things you fear and to find ways to numb those unpleasant feelings. Some people use alcohol or sleeping pills other people use avoidance. But eventually, you have to face that fear or be taken prisoner by your fear.

You can’t get over something you don’t face. Sometimes the only way out of a burning building is through the door that is on fire. To begin with, we won’t ask you to walk through the flames, just to look at the door and see how your fear that it might be on fire on the other side is keeping you a prisoner in that room.

Systematic desensitization reduces the impact of fears.

One way of domesticating the anxiety monster is a technique called systematic desensitization. This is an especially effective technique for taming fears or anxiety when those anxieties are a fear of one very specific thing.

Some of these item fears are so specific we name them Specific Phobias. Meaning you are deathly afraid of one particular thing even if you are never around that thing.

Some of these specific phobias are so terrifying to the people with that particular specific phobia that I can’t even write the word out or they would stop reading. So let’s start with an exaggerated and somewhat humors example of how this specific desensitization could work.

Say there is this person that is deathly afraid of crackers. (The little packaged edible kind.)

If you know who I am talking about here please do not let on. That person’s family laughed at him.  But try as he would he just could not bear to eat at a table where there were crackers. Eventually, this got so bad that I – I mean he – could not eat with his family when they were having soup for fear there would be crackers present.

This fear became progressively worse. Soon eating out was impossible because there might be crackers all around. Eventually, even commercials for crackers or the mention of the word might provoke a panic attack. Something needed to be done.

The cure for cracker or saltine phobia? Systematic desensitization.

So off to the therapist this sufferer from cracker phobia went. Here are the steps in recovery from cracker phobia.

First, you need to be willing to talk about this fear and develop a scale of fear. Something like if we just talk about that fear I – I mean he – had by referring to this as the fear of “You know what.” That would be a 1 on the fear scale.

Actually using the name “Cracker” that scored a two. To see a picture of some crackers in a magazine that would rate a fear factor of 4. Entering at a restaurant where there might or might not be crackers present, that was a 5. Seeing actual crackers, that would be a 6, and witnessing someone eat one that would rank an 8. To have to physically touch a cracker that would rank a 9. To personally eat a cracker that would rate a 10.

Now having developed our scale we would begin to work our way up the scale all the while with the therapist reassuring the client.

Along the way, the therapist might teach the client some relaxation techniques, deep breathing, and so on. The theory here is that you can’t really feel two contradictory feelings at the same time. The more you concentrate on your relaxation the more likely you are for the fear, or anxiety if you prefer, to subside.

So over time, the exposure to the dreaded crackers becomes more and more frequent and closer, all the while practicing the relaxation skills.

At the end of treatment, the goal would be for the client to actually open a package of crackers and to eat one while the counselor watched.

Now neither I nor anyone I know has really suffered from a cracker phobia. This cracker fear has been a long time joke in the family. But I hope this has demonstrated how a counselor could help a client overcome a specific phobia that may sound funny to the client’s family and friends but has been causing the client some very real distress.

What are some of the specific phobias that this method is known to work on? Well the number one fear in America, more severe than the fear of death, is the fear of public speaking. Also up there on the list are phobias to snakes and spiders.

Fear of snakes is no big thing for most city dwellers, but if you needed to live and work outdoors this could be a trial. If you worked at the zoo in the reptile house, a fear of snakes could cost you your job.

So whatever your fear or specific phobia there are treatments to help you turn that anxiety or fear control back down to a manageable setting.

Similar to systematic desensitization, at least in my book, is the use of exposure and response prevention. People with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) develop rituals or routines that they feel the need to perform to reduce the anxiety. If we can expose the person to the thing that they fear and prevent the ritual, then over time the fear diminishes. Combine some relaxation techniques with the exposure and response prevention and you move close to the systematic desensitization approach.

Best wishes on taming those pesky excessive anxiety and fear monsters.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Anxiety is a good thing

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anxiety provoking.

Anxiety.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Some anxiety is a good thing.

A little anxiety some of the time may be helpful. It is only when the volume on your anxiety control gets turned up too loud that it becomes a problem.

Dictionary definitions of anxiety include such things as nervousness about something that is going to happen and something that causes you to worry.

In these troubled economic times, worry about your job and job security makes sense, especially if you work in an industry or company that has been having economic difficulties. Even those government jobs that used to be the height of security don’t seem immune from danger these days.

But if you spend needless hours in worry that you might get laid off or fired when there is no basis in fact for that worry, then your anxiety control might have its volume turned up too high.

Anxiety can protect you.

Some anxiety is actually protective – if and only if, you are in a dangerous situation that warrants that anxiety. This is another case of a little is good and too much is harmful. The challenge is in knowing which is which. If you see someone with a gun shooting, it is wise to be nervous, even scared, and to duck behind something for cover.

Anxiety can help you avoid risks and in certain situations, like when someone is shooting at you, that anxiety might save your life.

Anxiety can take control of you.

If when sitting at home on your couch you hear the noise from a car door slamming a block away and you jump behind the couch to take cover, this level of anxiety is a problem.

People become anxious in dangerous situations for a reason. If the stress they are under triggers an excessive response that may be an “Acute Stress Disorder” but if those over-reactions to past stress continue long enough, they can morph into something more serious. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is just such a problem.

This was first recognized in servicemen returning from the war and the hallmarks are intrusive thoughts of what happened in the past that are still interfering with your life today and recurrent nightmares that involve memories of things that happened to you in the past or efforts for you to avoid those situations. We now realize that these problems also are prevalent in children and adults who have been abused or molested.

Disrupted sleep from nightmares about past anxiety-producing situations predicts that you will have mental health symptoms in the future. IRT can help reduce nightmares. 

Treating PTSD is a complex subject. There are many theories but the research is less than convincing. What I feel fairly sure about is that taking sleeping pills or drinking alcohol are not a good solution. If you have intrusive thoughts or nightmares you need some counseling to get this under control.

Running and hiding from our fears gives them extra chances to grow.

But what if you do not have a case of PTSD but your anxiety is off the hook? Do your friends tell you that you are an overly anxious person? Do you sometimes think that you are just too scared and worried?

If your anxiety volume control is just turned up too high, if the affairs of everyday living are making you want to crawl out of your skin, then you need treatment.

What kind of treatment? Well, there are several, but one, systematic desensitization is especially helpful if you have fears that do not make sense to others but you find are interfering with your life.

Too much anxiety? Try some systematic desensitization (done with a therapist or counselor) and see if you can’t get that anxiety volume turned back down.

In tomorrow’s post, we will talk about systematic desensitization.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Sobriety

Serene

Serene and Sober.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Encarta Dictionary tells us Sobriety is:

Abstinence from or moderation in the use of alcohol or drugs

The quality of being serious and thoughtful

“Your best days are ahead of you. The movie starts when the guy gets sober and puts his life back together; it doesn’t end there.”
― Bucky Sinister, Get Up: A 12-Step Guide to Recovery for Misfits, Freaks, and Weirdos

“We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole aim of our lives.”
― Alcoholics Anonymous, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

“achieving true sobriety goes beyond abstinence. it’s also about healing your soul, apologizing for damage you did to other, and seeking forgiveness.”
― Lou Gramm, Juke Box Hero: My Five Decades in Rock ‘n’ Roll

Quotes from GoodReads

Are you sober today?

Why AA? Reasons therapists recommend you go to AA.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

AA big book

Alcoholics Anonymous big book.

Why do professionals send you to A.A?

Therapists and Counselors treat people with all sorts of serious and persistent mental illnesses so why do they recommend that clients with a drinking problem attend AA meetings?

It turns out that attending meetings provides a lot of benefits that a single therapy session each week can’t provide. In substance abuse treatment programs the standard treatment, after you are over the most immediate problems connected to your drinking or drugging, consists of recommending that clients attend twelve-step meetings.

Here are some of the reasons why professionals recommend A.A.

The 12 steps include a focused system of change.

Embedded in the “working” of steps are the elements of problem identification, change steps, and a program of maintenance. While a therapist may help you work on one problem, depression, or anxiety, the steps are a way of changing your thinking about life and all your problems.

Some people’s only problem is drinking too much, they just quit and are fine. Many others find that once they stop, all the problems they had before they drank are back in force. It takes more than putting the bottle down to stay sober.

Attending meetings helps creates a new set of friends that are clean and sober.

One critical issue in recovery is relapse triggers; hanging out with your old drinking or drugging friends results in a high risk of relapse. Finding friends that do not drink and use requires a change. The more sober friends you make the more support you will have in staying sober.

Seeing others who have changed is very encouraging.

When your therapist tells you that people can change and do recover, you may say yes some people do, but what about me? When you attend meetings and hear the stories of those who have turned their lives around it becomes easy to believe you can do this, especially with the help of people who have themselves recovered.

The longer you stay connected to therapeutic recovery the better the chances.

Continuing to stay in treatment for up to two years has been shown to create better results. Most therapy programs will not cover or include two years of aftercare. A.A. while not professional treatment is a free or very low-cost way to continue to have “booster shots” of recovery for as long as you need them.

Sometimes when I work with mental health clients, I find myself wishing this client had a drinking problem also, and then I could give them a referral to A.A.

There is a serious shortage of self-help, peer recovery groups for those with mental health issues. The few that do exist are often modeled after the 12 step system.

Therapists and counselors do not customarily work the steps with clients. That is something we encourage them to do at the 12 step meeting. What we should do is a process called 12 step facilitation, in which we explain A.A. or other self-help groups, how they work, what the steps are, and encourage people to participate in the meetings.

The posts I write about A.A. or other self-help groups are from my perspective as a therapist and clinical counselor and do not necessarily reflect the views of AA World Services. For more on AA and their program of recovery check out the “AA Big Book” titled Alcoholics Anonymous at the links below or contact AA World Services at their website.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

The classic text on Alcoholism, recovery this is the book that started off the whole 12 step phenomenon.

Alcoholics Anonymous from The Anonymous Press

One of the Kindle editions – At 99 cents this is such a bargain. This edition needed a separate listing. No Kindle reader? No Problem, if you have a computer you can download a free Kindle reader.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

,

Why apologies can make things worse

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Apology – I’m sorry.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Sometimes an apology makes things worse.

Do you feel you need to apologize?

People in recovery often feel they need to make apologies to others. Occasionally they do need to make them, but much of the time people in early recovery find that trying to apologize makes things worse rather than better.

People who have been drinking and drugging have done some things they should not have done. People in recovery from other mental illnesses often have been unable to do things they should have done. In both cases, it is natural to want to repair the relationship and to think that an apology is in order.

The expectation of many recovering people is that making an apology should mean that the other person forgives them and then everything is all right. They want the relationship to be a good one, even when it never was good, to begin with.

Apologies frequently do not produce the result you expect.

The person to whom you think you owe that apology, they may well still be holding resentment towards you. Your saying you are sorry may not be followed by an “I forgive you and everything is now fine” response from them. Some people need to hang on to their resentments to protect themselves from being hurt again.

What oft-times happens is that the other person takes this opportunity to let you have it. They tell you in most certain terms how badly you harmed them and how mad they continue to be. They may want you to feel their pain by hurting you back, they may just need to be heard and as a result, can’t hear you.

At this point, the recovering person, now surprised that the other person is not accepting their apology, becomes upset, angry and a new fight begins. The effort to repair the relationship breach has resulted in a new conflict and this has happened well along in your efforts to stay clean sober or otherwise recover.

What went wrong with your apology?

Most of the people in a recovering person’s life have heard it all before. You have said you were sorry and then you did it again. Or for some, they have said they would do things and then because of their illness were not able to do those things. The others in your life felt let down if not downright lied to.

If you really would like to repair the damage from the past and mend relationships and apologizing might make things worse – what should you do?

Don’t apologize – take action.

Rather than apologizing you need to do something. Take action and show that person rather than telling them how you are different. Talk is cheap but action speaks so loudly words get drowned out.

Make amends.

The idea of amends comes from 12 step groups. The principle is that rather than saying you are sorry but doing nothing, you need to do things to set the relationship right. If you were not able to do things in your relationship in the past begin as soon as you are able to meet those role expectations.

If you never were able to clean up after yourself, begin as much as you can to pick up and put away the things you use.

Do not get carried away and set yourself up for failure. Do not try to wash every dirty item in the house on the first day. But do gradually begin to take the steps you need to do to be of service to the others in your life.

If you treated others poorly, were over critical, or always angry, try to be happy, helpful, and pleasant to be around.

Over time the changes others see in your will speak volumes about the kind of person you are becoming in recovery and this may be a better apology than any words you could say.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Can’t accept compliments?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

gift

Compliments are like gifts.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

There may be reasons why you find it hard to accept compliments.

If you find it hard to accept compliments there may well be two principle reasons why you just do not believe people when they give you one. There may be something suspicious about the person giving the compliment or it may be about you.

Do you wish you could believe a “good job” well done or ever just congratulations? Were you taught you were supposed to be perfect?

Were you taught you didn’t deserve a compliment?

If you grew up in a non-affirming home, if you were constantly criticized, you may have developed “low self-esteem.” Low self-esteem stems mostly from excessive judging of one’s self. People who are criticized but never given praise can begin to think that their worth depends on them getting everything right. They need to be perfect.

Since we know that we are not perfect we can easily dismiss praise believing that this can’t be true. People with low self-esteem have difficulty giving themselves credit for things done well. The result is they never believe praise when they get it.

Compliments make you feel attacked.

The only time some people remember hearing a compliment was those back-handed sarcastic kinds. From an early age, you may have learned that what might at first glance sound like a compliment was, in fact, a disguised attack. This will leave a legacy of making you distrust all the compliments you receive.

Too many compliments don’t feel genuine.

People who hand out compliments freely, complimenting others even when there is no reason to hand one out make us all suspicious. Flatters know that if they can spread around the compliments, butter you up, if you will, then they will have less difficulty slipping something by you.

Researchers find that most of us find it easier to take a compliment from someone who also occasionally points out a fault. If the other person sees your mistakes but gives you a compliment anyway it is much easier to believe that they are being honest in both rather than strewing compliments in your way in an effort to manipulate you.

Give yourself credit when you deserve it.

The first step in being able to accept compliments from others is beginning to give yourself credit and not dismiss your own accomplishments. Once you can accept your own opinion that you have accomplished something it becomes easier to accept other’s compliments.

If you are dependent on others for that feeling of “well done”, you may never get enough sincere praise to meet that need and may always distrust other’s positive statements about you.

So if you find it hard to take a compliment, consider what a real true friend might say about you and begin to acknowledge to yourself when you do something correctly. Give yourself compliments and they will feel natural when offered by others.

When someone does offer you a compliment accept it with a simple “thanks.” No need to belittle the compliment with a statement like “it was no big deal.”

Watch others behaving and try to give out sincere compliments when others do something worth praising.

Keep practicing and soon you will be giving and receiving compliments because you know you and others are worth it.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are the things you do chores or choices?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

worker resting

Work.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you work all day and then come home to a load of chores?

How many of the things you tell yourself you need to do are really things you chose to do? Clients who complain about stress in their lives customarily tell me they have so much to do and so little time to get it done.

They also often complain that they get no help from family or co-workers and that they end up having to do everything themselves.

One justification for this “I need to do everything and no one helps me” syndrome is that old saw if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.

How many of these things you tell yourself each day you absolutely have to do are things you are really choosing to do?

The same task can be a burden or a joy depending on the way you view it.

The continuing water shortage here in the West has pointed out this conflict. There have been T. V. ads encouraging people to put in gardens of natural plants, plants that need less water. The goal is to reduce the use of water but in the process, the plants grow more slowly, need less pruning and a yard of native plants never needs mowing.

Any casual drive through the neighborhoods on weekend mornings or after work reveals lots of people out watering and mowing laws. Many of those folks complain about how much yard work they have to do all the while making maintenance of their yards a priority.

Personally, I have never been a big fan of green lawns, but when you live in the city you have to go along to get along. Those of you from the country, you just plow that stuff under a few times a year and let it go at that.

Priorities change in retirement.

These same folks in the counseling room sometimes tell me they are planning their retirement. What do you want to do when you retire? I ask. They tell me they think they will take up gardening or a cooking class.

Those same tasks that were a chore in the past now become a choice.

When the yard work gets really overwhelming, some people turn to paying others to do their lawn. There is some merit in creating employment for others in our community. But having turned their household chores over to others those folks find they need to get more exercise so they take up walking and join a gym.

You see this same phenomenon at the gym. People drive all around the parking lot looking for a close parking spot. Sometimes they get really upset and irritated if someone cut them off from that spot right by the door.

Then once in the gym, they scrabble for a treadmill so they can do some vigorous walking.

Do you feel stressed out over cooking the evening meal despite your thoughts that you would like to spend more time becoming a great cook? Preparing a meal can be an unpleasant task or an adventure.

The difference is not in the activity but in the attitude.

So when you say you are stressed, consider how many of the things you feel stressed about which are in fact choices you make to continue to do things. Your stress may well be coming from your attitude that you have to do these things rather than that you choose to do them.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Healthy Habits available for adoption

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Would you like to adopt some healthy habits?

One sign of mental illness or substance use disorders is living an unhealthy lifestyle. People with depression do not have the energy to take care of themselves. People who are ill do not have the strength to maintain healthy habits.

Even those who don’t consider themselves “in recovery” find that adopting healthier habits can increase the happiness of their life and reduce the risk of becoming emotionally unhealthy.

One thing I have noticed from my time around the tables and the therapy rooms is that illnesses and diseases take a back seat to discussions of healthy habits. People who are really struggling talk about how hard, impossible it is to take care of themselves. As people recover then begin to talk increasingly about self-care.

Some will say that better self-care promotes recovery and others say that as you recover you begin to pay more attention to your self-care. I suspect there is some of both.

So what things are you doing to take better care of yourself?

Some people feel so responsible for others that they find it hard to spend time, money or effort on self-care.

Taking good care of yourself is not being selfish!

Here are some major areas of self-care that I see clients engaging in as their recovery progresses.

A better, healthier diet is part of self-care.

When you are in your disorder preparing food and eating can be a chore. Depressed people either eat nothing or they eat most everything. Often their food choices are unhealthy. Substance abusers have similar disruptions in their eating. As people begin to recover they pay more attention to what they are eating and how this is affecting them. How is your diet supporting your emotional health and recovery?

Exercise and health maintenance are parts of recovery.

Recovering people often begin an exercise program. They think about seeing a doctor. They get their physical health problems treated.

After years of failure to take care of your body, working on your health can become a priority. Recovering people need to balance their physical recovery with their emotional and spiritual recoveries. It is easy to turn an exercise program or being health conscious into a new addiction. This may be a “better addiction” but it can take you down a wrong path and away from real lasting recovery.

It is important to tell yourself that no matter how much damage to your body your old lifestyle has caused, you are worth taking care of. Depression and inactivity take their toll. So do anxiety and addiction. See to it that you get the health part of your recovery in balance with the other portions.

Setting boundaries with others safeguards recovery.

Part of recovery is learning to say no, set healthy boundaries. As you treat yourself better you will no longer be able to abide by others treating you poorly.

You will also find that you are more able to treat others as they should be treated. You will begin to recognize and respect other’s boundaries.

Safe and comfortable housing promotes recovery.

When you are down and discouraged you stay where you can. Once in recovery, you home becomes important.

You may need help finding a safe place to stay, do not hesitate to use public programs and private resources. Be sure that you make your nest in a place that is supportive of your recovery, not a place of settling for something less than you deserve.

Do what you can to make where ever you stay “your place.”

Improving relationships promotes recovery.

Recovering people want a healthy relationship with their children, parents, and significant others. They also may need to reexamine friendships and try to strengthen healthy supportive relationships, mending breaches where possible, and sometimes they find that there are former associates that need to be let go.

Even if you do not think of yourself as a recovering person, adopting healthy lifestyle practices can improve the quality of your life.

What healthy lifestyle practices are you ready to adopt and take home?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

When does recovery start?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ball recovery

Recovery and Resiliency.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

When will your recovery start?

If we believe in recovery – and I do – we need to ask, when does recovery start? How does someone know that they have begun the process of recovery?

Recognizing what is wrong.

The starting point for recovery is to admit that there is something wrong.

As long as someone continues to pretend that there is nothing wrong nothing changes. I know the old conventional wisdom was to just suck things up and keep going to work doing your tasks, keep trying to control your drinking, and so on.

The result of this effort to deny the problems resulted in a whole lot of unhappy people who kept up pretenses but never felt happy, never was able to do all they should do, until that final breakdown occurred.

The nervous breakdown, the DUI, or the arrest was not the problem. The problem was that there has been an underlying emotional or substance use problem that has gone untreated because people believe that denying you have a disease keeps you from having it.

This happens a lot in the medical field. Lots of people avoid tests for cancer or HIV because they do not want to have the disease. As if not knowing would prevent you from getting it. The result of failing to acknowledge an illness is not avoiding that disease.

Not admitting your problem allows it to get worse.

You need to recognize that something is wrong before you reach a point of not being able to avoid it. Untreated problems may even reach the point of being fatal.

Yes, depression untreated can be fatal. So can alcoholism, and addiction.

Many recovered people report that they began their journey to recovery the day they admitted they had a problem.

If you have been chronically depressed or anxious, you know you have had to make a lot of excuses to get out of things that you were unable to do and still not have to tell people about your emotional problem. You know that relapse is a risk.

Making excuses gets in the way of real recovery.

The alcoholic who tries to stop drinking will often, in the beginning, make excuses for why they are not drinking. They have a headache, they need to get up early tomorrow or they just are not in the mood to drink tonight. Others around them will continue to offer to buy them a drink; they want them to join in the “fun.” Many times those friends are alcoholics also so they do not want someone else admitting a drinking problem as that might imply they have one too.

The depressed person misses a lot of activates because they have no energy to participate. The need to make excuses also. But eventually, those excuses wear thin. People begin to think you are avoiding them rather than understanding that there are days when your emotional condition makes it impossible for you to engage in activities that you used to do.

You can suffer for years trying to pretend you do not have a problem. What you may find is that once you recognize what the problem is, the treatment can be remarkably simple, simple but not easy.

You may be trying to avoid other issues.

Many times these things we call emotional illness are really the symptoms of something else we have been unable to cope with. If you hate your job or have relationship problems and drink to cope, you may think the problem is the alcohol. If you keep drinking to avoid other emotional problems, eventually that alcohol will become a problem also.

Sooner or later you need to face not only the depression or the addiction but also the bad relationships you have with your job or your close family and friends. Avoiding these problems of living causes emotional illnesses.

Once you admit to yourself and others the nature of your problem and become ready to take a good look at how you got this way, you may find that recovery is a whole lot easier than continuing to have the disease.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel