Tag Archives: change

Stages of change – Late Action

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Late Action – The change accelerates.

Last time we talked about how I might be full of enthusiasm as my self-improvement program gets going. In the weight loss example, I begin to exercise and maybe even get interested in nutrition and diet. Are deep-fried Twinkies a healthy diet? The diet guru says no. I eat low-fat and lots of greens. I hate greens but I eat them anyway. My efforts at change are taking shape and encouraged by my own persistence I may even expand my efforts.

On days when I can’t get to the gym, workdays, I start walking on my lunch hour. It is a mile around the park. If I walk fast I can make two trips and eat during my lunch period. I discover that if I bring a healthy lunch, a sandwich, and some low-fat yogurt, and I walk around the park fast, some days I lose weight. Even if I don’t actually lose weight, at least those days I do not gain any more. At this point, the intensity of my workouts is increasing. I am really getting into this.

In substance abuse recovery terms, the person involved may not only be attending meetings, but they also have a regular home group they go to every week, maybe even a fellowship they attend every night. Some people “get into service” meaning they make coffee, take out the trash, and so on. We get trainers, sponsors, and a support system. At this point, my change is beginning to be something I tell people about.

For people who have an emotional problem, like depression or anxiety, their recovery action might be seeing their therapist on a regular basis, improving self-care, or journaling. There is a huge connection between emotional issues and eating problems. One of the key issues a professional looks for in making a mental health diagnosis is changes in eating and sleep. Binge eating, overeating or not being able to eat, as well as sleeping too much or too little are all symptoms of problems. They can also be causes. More about that mind-body connection and the relationship between sleep, eating, and other life problems in a future blog.

So in late action, I am getting somewhere on my self-change program. Losing a few pounds, not drinking or drugging and I am no longer so depressed I don’t want to get out of bed. Everything should be going fine. Right?

Then what happens? Why do so many people successfully make a change only to return to the place they were before? Why do most weight loss programs, diet, and exercise, end in putting on more pounds than we lost? Why do so many people get a thirty-day sober chip only to drink again? And how is it that depression and anxiety return after a period of time?

I start wondering, am I fixed? Do I have to give up those quadruple thick burgers with the pound of fries? How long will I need to take these psych meds? Can’t I just have a donut or a glass of wine? What kind of wine goes best with donuts? My mind starts looking for ways out of the change process.

For substance abuse, we call this relapse. For depression or anxiety, we are starting to think in those terms also. For weight loss programs the part that we don’t like to talk about is why after losing twenty pounds, do I put it all back on and then some. Every time I have been on a diet I have needed to get new larger clothes.

This is the point where people start talking to us about maintenance plans.  You mean I can’t just crash diet off ten pounds and then I will be able to eat like other people? Can’t you AA folks just teach me to control my drinking? So my depression is gone. I will never feel that way again. Time to get back to the way things were before my self-improvement program. So next time let’s talk about putting the weight back on, the relapse, and the return of emotional problems.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stages of change – early action

Posted on by
10

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Early Action – the beginning of visible change.

So here we are in that process of change at the point where we start to do some action steps. Up till now, we have had someone or something that created a reason to consider the need for change. No catalyst and probably most people would never embark on the journey. So we were pre-contemplative. Then we started thinking about the problem, gathering information. We called that contemplation. At some point, people get into preparation, join groups, buy books seek out resources. Still, no change has occurred, not real lasting change anyway. But now it is time for the do or die part, – getting into action.

Stage of change four – Early Action.

Some authors only have five stages of change and they have only one stage for action. I am separating action here into early and late stages as we find that the things people do at the beginning of their recovery process is often different from what they do later on. I got this formulation from Ken Minkhoff and Christine Cline at Zia Partners. You might want to check out their website and the Change Agent Movement they have spawned. The difference between early and late action is easier to see when people have multiple problems, like substance abuse and depression, this is a condition we call co-occurring disorders or complex clients. For someone with depression and a drug problem and a weight loss problem, in the beginning, all they may be able to do is get dressed and go somewhere. For them, this may be early action. Later they will be able to do more.

Now on with our story, first the weight loss example and then examples of other possible changes we might want to make.

So remember my story. I discovered others though I was gaining weight even though I hadn’t noticed. I weighed myself and gathering information and decided I needed to lose weight, maybe even change to some healthier habits. I joined a gym and bought some exercise videos maybe even some getting healthy books. Now I am at the point of starting to do something. I am ready to start exercising and eating healthier.

So at the gym, I seek out a trainer or a fellow member he shows me how to use the equipment, the routines, and the whole culture of healthy living. I like the hanging out and the talking about fitness, the exercises not so much but I do it anyway. Right now my goal is to lose that weight, get that old suit to button closed again, and generally shut up my friends who say I am fat.

At first, I wander around the gym. I try out a machine or two. I check out the weights to see what I can lift. I talk with people who show me how to do things. It amazed me how friendly some people at the gym where and how much they were willing to help a newcomer. The same things happen at AA or other self-help groups, people trying to help each other. In gyms and recovery centers there are professionals also, trainers or therapists, and counselors; they can be especially helpful.

So the workouts continue. The weight is coming off, a little anyway, and I am feeling better and better about myself. The scale still is not saying I have lost that much weight but I always suspected it of being out to get me. One thing I noticed was that even when I was not exercising at the gym, just wandering around, the whole time I was not eating. Even if I wasn’t losing weight I had stopped gaining.

If this were a substance abuse example the person would be going to AA meetings, getting a book, and a sponsor. They might start to share at meetings. There is an old adage that a closed mouth does not get feed so you need to talk as well as listening. Now just like the guy at the gym, the person at AA might still be having thoughts of drinking, but they start to notice that while they are at meetings, they are not drinking. If they can make it from meeting to meeting without drinking the periods of sobriety start getting longer.

Each different recovery group, AA, overeaters anonymous, gamblers anonymous, or weight watchers has its own culture. You need to find one that is comfortable for you. There are over 200 twelve-step groups now and hundreds more of peer and self-help groups. Some gyms program is about exercise and flexibility other groups are all about weight lifting and setting records. A group for cancer patients is not much help to an alcoholic unless they have cancer also. Find the group that is right for you.

Eventually I settle into a routine. I am doing the things I need to do to recover, but I am not there yet. I also am not sure I want to keep this up after I lose the weight. Here is where we start to hear the word maintenance and we also start to talk about relapse. The question becomes – is what I am currently doing enough or is there more. Many people quit drinking or take off the planned weight and then they are good with that. Others want a new healthy lifestyle. So what will it be for you?

So in my weight loss example, I have started an exercise routine, lost a few pounds, though the buttons on that suit are still tight. For a substance abuser, they have made it two or three days without their drug, maybe even three weeks. So now what? What will I do next? Next blog we can talk about how my weight loss or substance abuse recovery program may change as my action moves from a few times to a regular routine.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How do people change? Preparation

Posted on by
8

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Stages of Change – Preparation.

In the last two blogs (Stages of Change – Pre-contemplation, Contemplation) we explored steps one and two of a model of change. Some of you will remember that I was using a weight loss example. The need to change could be weight loss but it might also be an addiction, job or career change, or a relationship event. So to recap past episodes of my little story, I go to a reunion, people tell me I have put on a lot of weight. At first, I deny this, and I argue about it. That stage of change is called pre-contemplation. Next, I do some thinking about it. I weigh myself, ask the advice of others and I do lots of thinking about it. Finally despite all my efforts to avoid having a problem I discovered that in fact, I do have a problem. Now I am faced with a choice.

At this point, I could just accept the fact that I am now FAT!  Accept and go on with my life maybe embrace the idea. Yes, I am fat and proud of it. Since I am fat why not be the best that I can be and let my fatness shine through. Some people accept their problem. Many alcoholics go on drinking until the bitter end. Or – as strange as this may seem to some people I could decide to make a change and face my problem. That brings us to the third stage of change.

Stage of change 3 – Preparation. Some authors call this determination.

So I decide to challenge my fatness or my joblessness or – could be any other problem. I get out the phone book and look up gyms. There is one right around the corner and I call them. Then for good measure, I call a few more. Most gyms have sales on new memberships around the first of every year. Three months for the price of two and so on. They know that lots of us will decide to exercise, get in shape, join a gym as part of our New Year’s resolution. They also know to get the cash now, because by February at the latest most of the new gym members will have stopped coming. But a few people will stay at it and next year they will be that slim trim self I want to be. So how do they do it?

So I go down and tour this gym. I like the place, friendly people and all, so I join. And I get ready. There is a sporting goods store in that shopping center and I go there and buy some new exercise clothing. Notice I still haven’t exercised much but my credit card at this point. But there is more.

I see a video sales and rental place in the center. I go in there and find some exercise videos. I am in whole hog. I buy three videos. Now I take them home and put them in the VCR.  (Update this to DVD or Blue Ray or Hollow-suite program as needed.) I pop a big bowl of popcorn put my feet up and sit and watch these three videos, faithfully for a week. I really like watching exercise videos. Not so sure about actually exercising though. See a problem here?

Pause this picture for a minute. Doesn’t this apply to most any planned change? People buy books, self-help, or AA books, and then they take them home and pile them on the table and balance a drink on them. Other people put that new self-help book under their pillow in the hope that by osmosis the book will change us while we sleep. Unfortunately, change requires more than preparation. Don’t misunderstand here. Getting a list of meetings for AA or weight loss places is good. Joining a gym is good also. But doesn’t it take more than preparation to make a change?

At some point, I need to stop preparing, use that determination, and actually do something. Next blog we will talk about that next fourth stage of change where the rubber meets the road, where we finally start doing some things that result in change. So if you still want to learn about stages of change stay tuned for the next blog post. If you have decided to stay the way you are or to change someone else, skip the next couple of posts and rejoin us for the episode after the change is over. Feel free to share your thoughts along the way.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stages of change part two – contemplation

Posted on by
8

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Contemplation, thinking about your problem is the second stage of change.

Last time we began our discussion of the stages of change by describing how someone might be confronted with a situation where others think you have a problem, a need to change, even before we recognize that something is a problem. We called that stage of change Pre-contemplation.

Lots of people end up in the therapist’s office, court, child custody mediation, a Drunk driver program, or substance abuse treatment who never thought they had a problem. Sometimes they are sent with an ultimatum, do this treatment or else. Sometimes it is a spouse or a boss who says change or else. Sometimes it is too late and the or else has taken effect.

Often they resist thinking that they have a problem despite being required to go to some type of treatment. An interesting thing happens too many of these people, sooner or later. They see other people confronting their problems and those people’s lives are getting better. This is especially powerful in group settings where a group member gets a new job or relationship, someone gets to see their kids again or gets a license back, or someone loses a lot of weight.

Sometimes this mental change can occur after they read a book on solving a particular problem and they start to consider if they might need to change. Once the willingness to think about change occurs they have reached step two in the process of change model.

Step 2: Contemplation

In this stage, the person who is on the road to change is gathering information. That does not mean they agree they have a problem, they may, they may not, but they are open to looking at the facts. So let me continue my weight loss story from our last episode.

I get home and I ask my roommate “Have I gained any weight?” She giggles politely. Maybe it was more like a hysterical laugh. So I go looking for the scale that used to be in my bathroom. Not there. I check in the closet, under the bed, I find it on a top shelf in the garage. I weigh myself. That can’t be. I don’t weigh that much! Do I?  This scale must be broken, that’s why I put it in the garage right?

The next day at work I weigh myself on the certified scale. It gives me a bigger number than my garage scale. This can’t be right. I go to another department and try their scale. It gives me a bigger number yet. I go back to the first scale and reweigh myself. Now the truth hits me. I have put on weight. Not a little, but a lot. The weight gain is getting harder to deny.

Some people get this moment of truth when the judge sentences them. Some when their spouse leaves them or the family doesn’t want them around. For some people, it may be the DUI. Some people get to this realization the second or third time their parole officer sends them to a drug program. Maybe they realize it after the fiftieth job interview that does not result in a job. Could it be me? Do I lack the skills? Do I have a problem?

Whatever it takes eventually those who change get to this point. I am hoping that for you all you need is a little number on a scale. Whatever it is we both have a choice at this point. Change or go on the same course as before.

I could get off the scale at this point and just ignore or accept the fact I am now heavier, maybe even fat, or I can do something about it. I am no longer contemplating. But what will I do next?

Do you have any stories about the changes you have made? Want to share them? You can make a comment if you chose.

Check back next blog for the next installment about how people change.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

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Stages of Change or how do we change? Pre-Contemplation

Posted on by
10

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Change.

In a previous blog, I wrote about New Year’s Resolutions and how to get out of them. Now occasionally someone argues with me on this and says – no – really – I do want to change. I like to hear that. We, counselors, and therapists are in the business of helping people to change. I like to think of this as the happy life business. Lots of what is here is written for counselors, but if you are interested in change for yourself or others, please read on and see how we think it is that people really change.

Most people who change are able to transform their life by a gradual process, not a one-time resolution. Now I know that there is such a thing as a religious or spiritual conversion and also that some people do make resolutions and as a result change. I would suggest that most of the time that conversion or resolution is part of a process of change. They may make a change of direction but the person needs to do some work on getting to the new behaviors they want.

Every year for New Year’s or other occasions millions of people make a resolution that they will change themselves. Some plan to lose weight, some want to stop smoking or give up drugs. Lots of things they might want to change. Come back a year later and most of them will still be the way they were when they made that resolution. But a few people will really have changed. Why is it that some people are able to carry through and make the change while most people can’t? What happened to the ones that succeeded? These questions resulted in some studies of how people change and at last three guys wrote a book on how all things get changed. The book was “Changing for Good” and the authors were Prochaska, Norcross, and DeClemente. As a result of this book and others, substance abuse counselors, and many therapists are taught the Stages of Change model and they use it to help clients understand how to change.

So here is an example I tell my classes of how someone might change.

One year I attend a reunion and I run into an old friend. He comments on how much weight I have gained since he saw me last. I tell him no, I weigh the same thing I did in High School, well almost, but I am not gaining weight. He shakes his head and changes the subject.

Later that evening I run into an old girlfriend. She tells me she almost didn’t recognize me. “You have gotten so BIG! She exclaims. She is just jealous I think. Look at that skinny little wimp she is with, bet he has an eating disorder or something. I am definitely not gained any weight. I do not have a problem. And even if I have gained a little weight, so what, why would I care, I have no plans to change me.

Later in the evening, someone else remarks about my weight. This suit does seem a little tight. The tight fit is what is making me look fat. Ever since I moved to the desert my clothes have been shrinking. Even the ones in the closet that I don’t wear seem smaller recently. Some of you are thinking here that I am in denial. Maybe so.  The stages of change model calls this Pre-contemplation.

Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation

At this point, I am not thinking about making a change. People around me see a problem but so far I don’t. Now you could argue with me at this point and insist I get on a diet and lose weight. Lots of spouses do that. But if I don’t yet see that I have a problem all your lecturing me about being in denial of my problem will only make me mad.

Substance abuse counselors in the old days used to spend a lot of time arguing with clients, trying to break down denial. So did weight loss and stop smoking professionals. And the result most of the time was that clients stopped listening. So the thing you might do if you were faced with someone who did not think he had a problem would be, provide them with information. If you are reading this and you are already thinking you might need to change something, then you are already past the first of the seven steps that lead to real lasting change.

Often people reach the point of needing to change because of some traumatic experience. Until something happens we don’t even think about the need for change. Lots of people are suddenly confronted with a problem, most try to find a way to avoid change. Divorces or breakups, job loss, forced career changes, arrests and incarceration, and even medical problems can all require people to consider the need for change in their life.

One client told me he did not have a problem. This is typical in pre-contemplation. He just likes to have fun. How can you argue with a fun-loving guy? His wife, soon to be ex, she thinks he has a problem. His last employer told him he had a problem. So did his parole agent and a judge or two. But he was sure he didn’t have a problem.

With any problem, it seems to be human nature to try to find a way to cope without having to change. So we go through all kinds of mental gymnastics to try to not have a problem. Addictions to drugs, alcohol, food, or other substance are especially prone to go unrecognized. Some people also spend lives in bad relationships, sometimes we call them co-dependent or enablers, sometimes they just say they love too much.

People also can become entangled in activities, the gamble till. There is no money left and then borrow or steal money to try to win it all back. Some people are addicted to the process of pulling the lever or turning cards. Other people are addicted to being in a relationship. They would rather be in a bad relationship than none at all. Sex can be an addiction also. Recently we are seeing a rash of problems caused by electronic media. People spend all their time and money on a pornography site, even when it starts to affect their health or their relationships. Some people become addicted to gaming or high adrenalin activities.

So how do you know if the thing you are involved in has moved from you just like to have fun to an out of control life? Counselors have three ways to decide if this is a problem or not.

1. Does it affect your job or income? Has this activity you like to do cause you to lose jobs or promotions? Does it get you in trouble at work? Has it negatively impacted your career? Then this might be a problem.

2. Has the activity you are doing interfered with your relationship with family and friends? Once you start losing friends this is a problem. Especially if you find you are making new friends who agree with you that you’re drinking or drugging is no problem and then they ask you to pay for their drug use. See an issue here?  If both your ex’s thought your fun activity was a problem that should give you a clue. And if your family starts avoiding you and doesn’t want you around anymore you may have a problem.

3. If what you have been doing is starting to bother you. If you feel sad all the time or experience guilt when you do that activity, then it just might be a problem. Professionals call this subjective distress. It is easy to see when it involves depression, anxiety, and loneliness.

One way to understand this is that if multiple people suggest to you that you have a problem, weight loss in this example, then maybe you should check it out and see what they are talking about. At that point, you are ready for the second step in the process of change.

Next time we will talk about our model’s second stage of change – Contemplation.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

12 ways to Sabotage New Year’s resolutions

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

the future

Living the Future
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

There are hundreds of articles out there about how to keep New Year’s resolutions. This isn’t one of them. This is about getting out of the ones you already made.

Lots of people make New Year’s resolutions, we feel we have to. But then the next morning we wish we had never said that. Here are some easy ways to make sure that your New Year’s resolution ends up in the dust and ensure that no one blames you for not living up to your promises.

1. Set huge impossible large goals. Despite not exercising for the last  60 years or so and having given up my photograph efforts in the late 1970s, this year I plan to make a film chronicling my success at winning twelve different gold medals in sports I had not previously played. Who could blame me for not keeping that one? The key here is to not plan to do anything, just plan to somehow have achieved the goal without effort.

2. Do not write down your goals or tell anyone. Writing things down leaves evidence. You might be tempted to look at your goals during the year. If you can’t remember what you planned to do how can it be your fault? Telling someone only expands the conspiracy. If you don’t tell, they won’t ask. People who blab their resolutions fell obliged to work on them.

3. Hang out with the losers. If you hang out with successful people you might emulate them. Want to avoid weight loss? Hang out at the donut shop or a buffet; better yet look up a donut buffet.

4. Resolve to change someone else. This is a favorite one that works every time. Plan to change your children or your spouse. Who could blame you if your family does not change? It was certainly your ex’s fault or maybe the fault of those rotten kids, wherever they are these days.

5. Embrace boredom. If it is fun don’t do it. Make resolutions to do boring, painful things not something you might actually get to like if you tried it. Nothing will squash a resolution faster than a good reason to avoid it in the first place.

6. Bet the farm on this one. If you are going to not do something, don’t do something big. Make your resolution so huge that your family might end up homeless if you did not carry through. Who could argue with you giving up your dream for the safety of your family? Doing a series of small things might actually be doable and then you would be stuck with a string of successes. Nothing ends your streak of failures like a small unsuspected success.

7. Test yourself constantly. This works well for alcoholics, who test themselves by buying alcohol and hanging out in bars. If your resolution had to do with food, go shopping and fill the house with your favorite foods. Then check the cupboard or the fridge often just to reassure yourself you have not eaten them – yet. Test yourself often enough you are sure to fail.

8. Don’t worry about being emotional. Watch sad movies and cry. Pick lots of fights. Argue with everyone you can. After an emotional day like that, you are sure to not have the energy needed to work on any stupid resolution. Happiness is incompatible with failure. Laughter can ruin a well thought out sorry-for-yourself binge. Stay moody.

9. Stop sleeping. Stay up all night every night and then sleep all day. Worry about your exercise plan, make a list of things you can’t buy. Lack of sleep will make you irrational but who can blame a half-crazed person for shopping online all night.

10. Give up all friends. Nothing so ensures your failure at resolutions as being totally isolated from all human contact. Quit your job, fight with your spouse till they leave, and hang up on your friends. People who are all alone should not be expected to be a success at anything, right?

11. Don’t eat. Being really eat-a-bear hungry can make you grouchy enough to not only stop trying but to be able to tell anyone still talking to you to put that resolution where the moonshine doesn’t- whatever.

12. If you tried before and failed don’t try again. Some people keep trying. If they keep that up they risk an eventual success. Smokers have an edge here. Most need to try to quit five to seven times so they get to talk about their try’s three or four times before giving up. Be careful though if you try too many times you might just end up making that change.

Well, I hope that this was helpful to all of you who are trying to avoid carrying through on your New Year’s resolutions. You could use this at other times of the year for any other change you are avoiding. Despite all my good advice some of you will try to make and keep New Year’s resolutions. Those of you who are successful will probably have passed through the series of steps we call “Stages of Change.” I see some of my former students smiling at that. They knew I couldn’t slip by mentioning the “Stages of Change.”

Spoiler alert – In a future blog I plan to write about how it is that people who attempt changes really do go about doing it successfully. Some of you are anticipating me and are inferring that real change rarely comes from one time resolutions and may involve a series of steps which we counselors like to term “Stages of Change.” If you prefer making resolutions and then not keeping them, avoid those blog posts.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why your child won’t behave

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Sad child

Sad.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Your child misbehaves.

The number one complaint that brings parents and children to most child mental health clinics is the complaint “my kid won’t behave, won’t mind, won’t do what I tell him to, or some variation of this theme. This is so common a complaint that I am tempted to tell a lot of families “Of course he won’t mind you, he is a child and you are his parent.” But that doesn’t solve the problem, and parents, most of the time, want their children to mind.

The occasional parent who could care less if their child behaved – well those parents come in too, referred by the school or the police. The symptom checklist almost always includes things like lies, steals, argues with adults, hits, and so on. Usually, the parent wants us to find a way to get their child to behave. Sometimes they include in the symptoms “does not listen to adults, does not pay attention to what he is doing.” This could be ADHD, sometimes it is, but most of the time, the truth be told, the child is ignoring the adult. So what do most parents do about this situation and what should they do?

Children rarely grow out of bad behavior.

Lots of parents with poorly behaved preschoolers take the obvious path and do nothing. Their thinking is that the child will grow out of bad behavior. They often do grow out of it – the question is which way do they grow? Uncorrected, undisciplined, (read this as untrained not as unpunished) they grow out of it by turning into something worse, bossy disrespectful kids who tell the parents what to do. Why is it the universal nature of things for so many kids to grow disrespectful as they get older?

On simple reason for this issue is that growth in and of its self creates conflict.  The baby who can’t walk does not get into very many things, the toddler does. As children grow up they try out new things, sometimes parents like the things their child tries, but other times the child does something really dangerous or irritating. Now when the kid does something wrong there are a few ways this can go. The worst one is for the parent to do nothing, give the child the impression that whatever they do is OK with you and you could care less. If you don’t care about what your child does why should she?

Throughout the child’s life, maybe the parent’s also, the child always wants to do things they are not yet old enough or ready enough to do. Their urges are always way out in front of their skill level. Very young kids don’t get it when you tell them “don’t do that” you need to get up and make sure they stop doing that.

Your relationship with the child matters.

One important determinant of how well-behaved your child will be is how close you are to each other. In technical terms, we call this attachment. The time to start being close to your children is when they are very young. If you have a close relationship with your infant or toddler they are much more likely to want to obey and please you when they get older. Don’t worry about spoiling your child. Just because you show love and caring will not make your child spoiled. The better the parent-child relationship is the easier discipline will be.

Even if you and your child did not attach as closely as you might now wish don’t give up. One way to improve the parent-child bond is to play with your children. Some parents got the idea that playing was a time-waster that only children got to do. That is wrong. Some form of play and fun is good for humans regardless of age. Play is valuable, especially playing games with rules because it teaches the child the ability to learn rules. Rules change from game to game and they also change depending on where you are and your role in life. Kids who are good at learning new games appear to be good at learning to adapt to new situations.

Separating is natural.

Most kids will go through periods when they push their parents away. Sometimes they need to define who they are as a person separate from their parents. Other times they feel the need to align with friends and reduce their involvement with the parents. Don’t let these episodes of pushing you away be an end to your relationship. Try to stay connected and watch for a time when your child shows an interest in reconnecting.

Now some children are more resistant to discipline than others. Sometimes the parents do everything they can, play with their child, work on good attachment, praise them for successes, and still, there are discipline problems. At that point, parents turn to professionals and the professionals recommend some form of behavioral modification.

Many people misunderstand behavioral modification. They have only two tools, rewards and punishments. So there is a temptation for the rewards to turn into outright bribes. And the punishments get increasingly stringent, often to the point of abuse. Behavioral modification has lots of techniques beyond the stick and the carrot.

In future blog posts, we will talk more about modifying behavior, your child’s and your own. I also want to talk some more about recovery and resiliency. This brings us right up to the current moment.

Soon it will be New Year and lots of people will be making resolutions. How do you make resolutions you will be able to keep? How do you avoid making impossible to keep resolutions? Before we can talk about changing our children we need to talk about how we change ourselves. How does that process of change work? Stay tuned for more on changing to have a happy, resilient life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel