Road to a happy life.
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Why you can’t find happiness.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Has happiness eluded you?

Trying to find happiness in modern-day America, and probably in all the industrial world, is the equivalent of looking for snow snakes and going into the forest to hunt Snipe. So many people equate happiness with pleasure that the coin of happiness has become severely tarnished.

In a country with such a high material standard of living, why are so many people chronically unhappy. We could argue that income distribution plays a role in this problem, but that’s not the point I’m pursuing. Not having enough money to pay for food and housing can undoubtedly lead to a less happy life. But I see people who are happy living in very modest settings.

I remember an old proverb that says that happiness is like a butterfly. You can chase it all over and never catch it. But if you sit quietly, the butterfly of happiness just might come and land on you. I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that idea. Pursuing happiness doesn’t get you closer to it. The best way to achieve happiness is to be happy as you go through your day-to-day activities. During the year 2024, I want to explore the idea that happiness can be within the reach of almost anyone if they know the techniques to find it. Happiness is about being, not about doing or having.

Why are so many middle-class and wealthy people chronically unhappy?

Pick up any tabloid at the grocery store, and you’ll find article after article about the woes and miseries of the rich and famous. While more money doesn’t make you unhappy, having wealth doesn’t seem to automatically guarantee happiness. Above a certain income level, the connection between money and happiness appears to be either negative or nonexistent.

Some people try to increase their happiness by spending. They get a sudden rush of excitement and pleasure when they buy something. That pleasure fades quickly. They’re not getting their joy out of having and using the item they purchased. To a chronic shopaholic, the pleasure ends as soon as the purchases are placed in the trunk of their car. I knew one chronic overspender who sold their car and never cleaned out the trunk. The purchaser found it full of impulse buys that had never made it into the overspender’s house.

Trying to buy your way into happiness results in lots of debt. The pleasure of the purchase fades quickly, but the pain of that credit card bill coming due each month goes on almost forever.

Fame doesn’t seem to bring happiness either.

I think we can all remember a great variety of famous people who lived unhappy lives and died unhappy deaths. If fame doesn’t bring happiness to those few who achieve it, how are the rest of us supposed to ever become happy?

I’ve told my students in the chemical dependency class that I think America needs a museum dedicated to famous debt junkies. The list of famous musicians, actors, and politicians who developed severe alcohol or drug use disorders goes on and on. Getting high leads to suffering, not happiness.

Perhaps we are chasing the wrong animal.

You don’t go deer hunting 20 miles off the California coast. And you can’t catch a shark in the middle of the Mojave Desert. You might find a skeleton there, but you won’t find a live fish of any significant size in the desert. The same is true of pursuing pleasure, thinking it will bring happiness.

When you ask most people about pursuing happiness, they think about the things that produce large rushes of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin. Ask most people about being happy, and they will think about having fun. The road to happiness is supposed to lead through all the hedonic pleasures. Want more happiness? Drink more liquor, do more drugs, have more sex, gamble at the casino, and take up thrill-seeking like riding roller coasters and jumping out of airplanes.

If money or fame brought happiness, why is it so many rich and famous people turn to drugs and alcohol seeking to find happiness and to ease their pain? I believe it’s because people mistake temporary pleasure for genuine happiness.

What should people look for when they’re seeking happiness?

The coin of happiness has two sides; one side looks bright and shiny, and people chase it, thinking they can buy happiness with that coin. But the other side of the coin of happiness doesn’t sparkle so brightly. The Greeks called the shiny path hedonics, the pursuit of hedonism. Those temporary bursts of pleasure fade quickly and leave the person less well-off than when they started.

The other path the Greeks called Eudaimonia or Eudemonics. It consists of all those calm, soothing experiences in life. The path to a long-term life of flourishing takes you by way of fields of satisfaction, lakes of contentment, the joys of doing for others, and the pleasure of self-improvement.

If you want to find this path, pay attention to the things that provide satisfaction, not the things you can never get enough of. Avoid temporary excitement and seek long-term contentment. Give up using others and, instead, look for ways to be of service to those around you.

If you take this path and create a flourishing life, you will find that the butterfly of happiness you couldn’t catch up with in the fast lane will come and sit on your shoulder as you bask in the rays of contentment and savor the joys of a life well lived.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

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