Tag Archives: Recovery

Maintenance is a part of change

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12

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Changing your life

Time for a life change?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you stay changed?

How can maintenance be a part of change? Isn’t maintenance what you do, as needed after the successful results of change are obvious? No, not at all. Not including maintenance as a step in the change process is where many improvement projects, public and private get themselves into trouble. Let me give you a more visual example.

The other day I drove through an older part of town. This part of town, built throughout the Victorian era to the turn of the century was really something once. Today this part of town is a poor neighborhood. While there are still a few houses that reflect the old glory days most of them are getting run down now. A couple of houses are slated for demolition. What happened to those grand old houses? There was no earthquake or fire, nothing dramatic, just the slow process of decomposition.

A roof was torn off, the owner had not bothered to get it fixed and the rain had rotted out the lumber. Another has a porch that has fallen down. Lots of homes have not been painted in a while, broken windows are covered with cardboard, and sometimes there is an old blue tarp over the destruction. Realtors describe these homes as having “deferred maintenance.” Last time I talked with you about relapse as the result of the failure to do a maintenance step. Relapse is a sort of deferred maintenance.

What do we hear from people who relapsed on substances? You hear the story so often it starts to sound like a well-rehearsed poem. The recovering person says they, stopped going to meetings, stopped calling their sponsor, and started hanging out at the old spots. The dieter gets the goal pounds off and then eases up on the diet. The change has been a short-term project and now the deferral of maintenance starts. Eventually, when the change is completely reversed by the relapse the person starts to wonder when they tried to make that change in the first place.

We tell recovering people that whatever you did to get better, you need to keep doing it to stay recovered. Most people don’t want to accept the idea that what was needed was not a quick repair but an ongoing plan of preventative maintenance.

One important component of that relapse prevention plan is learning to provide good self-care. Having a good support system is also vital. People who have positive people in their life, people that want them to do well, are more likely to succeed. Never get to busy to call your support system. One study found that schizophrenics with a warm supportive person in the home with them cut their risk of ending up in a psychiatric hospital by almost 50%. People who attend AA drink less even if they don’t stop altogether. Many weight loss programs include a group component. Being surrounded by others who are also working on their own recovery is likely to strengthen your recovery.

Real lasting change has to include a commitment to a different lifestyle. This does not mean that every self-improvement plan needs to take over your life. If the changes you make are hard to do the chances are that you will stop doing them when the urgency is gone. Urgency is an often-overlooked factor. If your doctor tells you to lose twenty pounds or he can’t do a life-saving surgery, that is motivation. If the judge says to stay off drugs or you will go back to prison that is motivation. But if the diet is a lot of work to keep up it will probably be forgotten way too soon.

The end of this tale is that whatever got you better, diet, meetings, a religious practice, or time with friends, keep doing them. Don’t give up these positive things as you see results from your change efforts.

That is the story of my understanding of stages of change. In future blog posts, I want to talk more about relapse prevention and triggers. We should also talk more about the connection between depression, bipolar, and abuse of a couple of substances. There is a huge connection between mood disorders and substances and not always in the direction you might think. I also want to talk about why it seems there is so much controversy, especially among professionals about the diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

I read your comments and appreciate them. I also try to read as many blogs as I can that are written by recovering people of all types. The things you say remind me of things I need to talk about.

There is a lot of pain out there and we know how to help more than ever before – so why is it hard for people to find the help they need?  Why doesn’t therapy always work? What makes counseling helpful? I will give you my take on these issues and would appreciate yours.

I also want to talk to all of you, very soon, about how you might find help when you don’t have the money to pay for the help you need. Till then, here is wishing you all a happy life.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Is Relapse a part of recovery?

Posted on by
11

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Relapse

Relapse.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

At some point, every recovery program has to tackle the issue of relapse. Why after losing all that weight do people suddenly put it back on? Do all alcoholics; sooner or later pick up a drink? Once you have depression you will always have recurrent bouts right? The way in which relapses are understood separates the Stages of change model from almost every other model of recovery. I have been told more than once that relapse is a part of recovery. I am not buying that! It doesn’t have to be that way.

So if relapse were a part of recovery, every person signing up for a self-improvement program should get out their calendar on day one and plan for their relapse. Doesn’t AA even say a relapse is a part of recovery? No, it doesn’t. The AA book says that a certain percentage of people get it the first time and don’t relapse. Bill W. estimated that percentage at 50%. In the early days, it appears that a lot of people who really wanted the program and stuck with it got it the first time around. He also said that there were some people, maybe 25% who tried a few times and eventually got it. The rest were better while they were in the program but kept going in and out. The stages of change model agrees with that thinking.

So why do people say that relapse is a part of recovery? Mostly, people say that because relapse happens a lot. And if relapse does happen, rather than giving up, the objective is to pick yourself up and try again. One article I read said smokers typically have to try to quit seven times. Now some people quit on the first try, a few people become nonsmokers in a few tries and there may be some people who just don’t seem to be able to quit. Any self-change is like that. It takes more than trying hard.

It is not the quitting of bad habits that is the problem. Some people quit drinking 5 or 6 times in one day. It is the staying quit that is harder. So how does someone make a change, give up a bad habit, make an improvement in their life, and then stay changed?

The stages of change model says that after all that effort, that process of change, there is one more thing you need to do to stay changed. See change is not a one-time thing. Real lasting change is an ongoing process. Why do people think that they can excessive like crazy, take off a few pounds, and then once they lose the weight they can stop the exercise?  How many days off Heroin before it would be safe to try some drugs again? The truth is that change is not a thing – it is a process. Once you make the change you have to keep doing the process to maintain the change.

The thing you need to do to stay changed is called maintenance. To stay changed you will need to do some maintenance. If you mow a lawn once will it grow back? So if it took an increase in exercise or an improvement in healthy eating to lose weight it will require you to keep doing that work to keep the weight off. The addicted person can’t just put down the substance; they need to keep doing the things that got them sober.  In the stages of change, relapse is not seen as something that is part of change it is understood as a failure to do the one remaining step in the process of change – doing maintenance.

Now, this is easier to see when we talk about weight loss or addiction but what about depression or bipolar disorder? With any of life’s problems, there are things that you can do to make the problem grow and other things that make the problem shrink. Taking good care of yourself is especially important for mental and emotional issues. So if taking good care of yourself makes you less depressed, what might happen if you stopped eating and sleeping well? Your depression might grow. The maintenance step is needed for holding onto any change you made, it is the best antidote to a relapse, whether that relapse is weight gain, addiction, or depression.

Next time we will talk about the last stage of change – maintenance. After that, I want to talk a bit about some related problems like triggers and finding help when you have few resources. Till then –

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stages of change – Late Action

Posted on by
10

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Late Action – The change accelerates.

Last time we talked about how I might be full of enthusiasm as my self-improvement program gets going. In the weight loss example, I begin to exercise and maybe even get interested in nutrition and diet. Are deep-fried Twinkies a healthy diet? The diet guru says no. I eat low-fat and lots of greens. I hate greens but I eat them anyway. My efforts at change are taking shape and encouraged by my own persistence I may even expand my efforts.

On days when I can’t get to the gym, workdays, I start walking on my lunch hour. It is a mile around the park. If I walk fast I can make two trips and eat during my lunch period. I discover that if I bring a healthy lunch, a sandwich, and some low-fat yogurt, and I walk around the park fast, some days I lose weight. Even if I don’t actually lose weight, at least those days I do not gain any more. At this point, the intensity of my workouts is increasing. I am really getting into this.

In substance abuse recovery terms, the person involved may not only be attending meetings, but they also have a regular home group they go to every week, maybe even a fellowship they attend every night. Some people “get into service” meaning they make coffee, take out the trash, and so on. We get trainers, sponsors, and a support system. At this point, my change is beginning to be something I tell people about.

For people who have an emotional problem, like depression or anxiety, their recovery action might be seeing their therapist on a regular basis, improving self-care, or journaling. There is a huge connection between emotional issues and eating problems. One of the key issues a professional looks for in making a mental health diagnosis is changes in eating and sleep. Binge eating, overeating or not being able to eat, as well as sleeping too much or too little are all symptoms of problems. They can also be causes. More about that mind-body connection and the relationship between sleep, eating, and other life problems in a future blog.

So in late action, I am getting somewhere on my self-change program. Losing a few pounds, not drinking or drugging and I am no longer so depressed I don’t want to get out of bed. Everything should be going fine. Right?

Then what happens? Why do so many people successfully make a change only to return to the place they were before? Why do most weight loss programs, diet, and exercise, end in putting on more pounds than we lost? Why do so many people get a thirty-day sober chip only to drink again? And how is it that depression and anxiety return after a period of time?

I start wondering, am I fixed? Do I have to give up those quadruple thick burgers with the pound of fries? How long will I need to take these psych meds? Can’t I just have a donut or a glass of wine? What kind of wine goes best with donuts? My mind starts looking for ways out of the change process.

For substance abuse, we call this relapse. For depression or anxiety, we are starting to think in those terms also. For weight loss programs the part that we don’t like to talk about is why after losing twenty pounds, do I put it all back on and then some. Every time I have been on a diet I have needed to get new larger clothes.

This is the point where people start talking to us about maintenance plans.  You mean I can’t just crash diet off ten pounds and then I will be able to eat like other people? Can’t you AA folks just teach me to control my drinking? So my depression is gone. I will never feel that way again. Time to get back to the way things were before my self-improvement program. So next time let’s talk about putting the weight back on, the relapse, and the return of emotional problems.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How do people change? Preparation

Posted on by
8

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Stages of Change – Preparation.

In the last two blogs (Stages of Change – Pre-contemplation, Contemplation) we explored steps one and two of a model of change. Some of you will remember that I was using a weight loss example. The need to change could be weight loss but it might also be an addiction, job or career change, or a relationship event. So to recap past episodes of my little story, I go to a reunion, people tell me I have put on a lot of weight. At first, I deny this, and I argue about it. That stage of change is called pre-contemplation. Next, I do some thinking about it. I weigh myself, ask the advice of others and I do lots of thinking about it. Finally despite all my efforts to avoid having a problem I discovered that in fact, I do have a problem. Now I am faced with a choice.

At this point, I could just accept the fact that I am now FAT!  Accept and go on with my life maybe embrace the idea. Yes, I am fat and proud of it. Since I am fat why not be the best that I can be and let my fatness shine through. Some people accept their problem. Many alcoholics go on drinking until the bitter end. Or – as strange as this may seem to some people I could decide to make a change and face my problem. That brings us to the third stage of change.

Stage of change 3 – Preparation. Some authors call this determination.

So I decide to challenge my fatness or my joblessness or – could be any other problem. I get out the phone book and look up gyms. There is one right around the corner and I call them. Then for good measure, I call a few more. Most gyms have sales on new memberships around the first of every year. Three months for the price of two and so on. They know that lots of us will decide to exercise, get in shape, join a gym as part of our New Year’s resolution. They also know to get the cash now, because by February at the latest most of the new gym members will have stopped coming. But a few people will stay at it and next year they will be that slim trim self I want to be. So how do they do it?

So I go down and tour this gym. I like the place, friendly people and all, so I join. And I get ready. There is a sporting goods store in that shopping center and I go there and buy some new exercise clothing. Notice I still haven’t exercised much but my credit card at this point. But there is more.

I see a video sales and rental place in the center. I go in there and find some exercise videos. I am in whole hog. I buy three videos. Now I take them home and put them in the VCR.  (Update this to DVD or Blue Ray or Hollow-suite program as needed.) I pop a big bowl of popcorn put my feet up and sit and watch these three videos, faithfully for a week. I really like watching exercise videos. Not so sure about actually exercising though. See a problem here?

Pause this picture for a minute. Doesn’t this apply to most any planned change? People buy books, self-help, or AA books, and then they take them home and pile them on the table and balance a drink on them. Other people put that new self-help book under their pillow in the hope that by osmosis the book will change us while we sleep. Unfortunately, change requires more than preparation. Don’t misunderstand here. Getting a list of meetings for AA or weight loss places is good. Joining a gym is good also. But doesn’t it take more than preparation to make a change?

At some point, I need to stop preparing, use that determination, and actually do something. Next blog we will talk about that next fourth stage of change where the rubber meets the road, where we finally start doing some things that result in change. So if you still want to learn about stages of change stay tuned for the next blog post. If you have decided to stay the way you are or to change someone else, skip the next couple of posts and rejoin us for the episode after the change is over. Feel free to share your thoughts along the way.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stages of change part two – contemplation

Posted on by
8

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Contemplation, thinking about your problem is the second stage of change.

Last time we began our discussion of the stages of change by describing how someone might be confronted with a situation where others think you have a problem, a need to change, even before we recognize that something is a problem. We called that stage of change Pre-contemplation.

Lots of people end up in the therapist’s office, court, child custody mediation, a Drunk driver program, or substance abuse treatment who never thought they had a problem. Sometimes they are sent with an ultimatum, do this treatment or else. Sometimes it is a spouse or a boss who says change or else. Sometimes it is too late and the or else has taken effect.

Often they resist thinking that they have a problem despite being required to go to some type of treatment. An interesting thing happens too many of these people, sooner or later. They see other people confronting their problems and those people’s lives are getting better. This is especially powerful in group settings where a group member gets a new job or relationship, someone gets to see their kids again or gets a license back, or someone loses a lot of weight.

Sometimes this mental change can occur after they read a book on solving a particular problem and they start to consider if they might need to change. Once the willingness to think about change occurs they have reached step two in the process of change model.

Step 2: Contemplation

In this stage, the person who is on the road to change is gathering information. That does not mean they agree they have a problem, they may, they may not, but they are open to looking at the facts. So let me continue my weight loss story from our last episode.

I get home and I ask my roommate “Have I gained any weight?” She giggles politely. Maybe it was more like a hysterical laugh. So I go looking for the scale that used to be in my bathroom. Not there. I check in the closet, under the bed, I find it on a top shelf in the garage. I weigh myself. That can’t be. I don’t weigh that much! Do I?  This scale must be broken, that’s why I put it in the garage right?

The next day at work I weigh myself on the certified scale. It gives me a bigger number than my garage scale. This can’t be right. I go to another department and try their scale. It gives me a bigger number yet. I go back to the first scale and reweigh myself. Now the truth hits me. I have put on weight. Not a little, but a lot. The weight gain is getting harder to deny.

Some people get this moment of truth when the judge sentences them. Some when their spouse leaves them or the family doesn’t want them around. For some people, it may be the DUI. Some people get to this realization the second or third time their parole officer sends them to a drug program. Maybe they realize it after the fiftieth job interview that does not result in a job. Could it be me? Do I lack the skills? Do I have a problem?

Whatever it takes eventually those who change get to this point. I am hoping that for you all you need is a little number on a scale. Whatever it is we both have a choice at this point. Change or go on the same course as before.

I could get off the scale at this point and just ignore or accept the fact I am now heavier, maybe even fat, or I can do something about it. I am no longer contemplating. But what will I do next?

Do you have any stories about the changes you have made? Want to share them? You can make a comment if you chose.

Check back next blog for the next installment about how people change.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

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Stages of Change or how do we change? Pre-Contemplation

Posted on by
10

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Change.

In a previous blog, I wrote about New Year’s Resolutions and how to get out of them. Now occasionally someone argues with me on this and says – no – really – I do want to change. I like to hear that. We, counselors, and therapists are in the business of helping people to change. I like to think of this as the happy life business. Lots of what is here is written for counselors, but if you are interested in change for yourself or others, please read on and see how we think it is that people really change.

Most people who change are able to transform their life by a gradual process, not a one-time resolution. Now I know that there is such a thing as a religious or spiritual conversion and also that some people do make resolutions and as a result change. I would suggest that most of the time that conversion or resolution is part of a process of change. They may make a change of direction but the person needs to do some work on getting to the new behaviors they want.

Every year for New Year’s or other occasions millions of people make a resolution that they will change themselves. Some plan to lose weight, some want to stop smoking or give up drugs. Lots of things they might want to change. Come back a year later and most of them will still be the way they were when they made that resolution. But a few people will really have changed. Why is it that some people are able to carry through and make the change while most people can’t? What happened to the ones that succeeded? These questions resulted in some studies of how people change and at last three guys wrote a book on how all things get changed. The book was “Changing for Good” and the authors were Prochaska, Norcross, and DeClemente. As a result of this book and others, substance abuse counselors, and many therapists are taught the Stages of Change model and they use it to help clients understand how to change.

So here is an example I tell my classes of how someone might change.

One year I attend a reunion and I run into an old friend. He comments on how much weight I have gained since he saw me last. I tell him no, I weigh the same thing I did in High School, well almost, but I am not gaining weight. He shakes his head and changes the subject.

Later that evening I run into an old girlfriend. She tells me she almost didn’t recognize me. “You have gotten so BIG! She exclaims. She is just jealous I think. Look at that skinny little wimp she is with, bet he has an eating disorder or something. I am definitely not gained any weight. I do not have a problem. And even if I have gained a little weight, so what, why would I care, I have no plans to change me.

Later in the evening, someone else remarks about my weight. This suit does seem a little tight. The tight fit is what is making me look fat. Ever since I moved to the desert my clothes have been shrinking. Even the ones in the closet that I don’t wear seem smaller recently. Some of you are thinking here that I am in denial. Maybe so.  The stages of change model calls this Pre-contemplation.

Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation

At this point, I am not thinking about making a change. People around me see a problem but so far I don’t. Now you could argue with me at this point and insist I get on a diet and lose weight. Lots of spouses do that. But if I don’t yet see that I have a problem all your lecturing me about being in denial of my problem will only make me mad.

Substance abuse counselors in the old days used to spend a lot of time arguing with clients, trying to break down denial. So did weight loss and stop smoking professionals. And the result most of the time was that clients stopped listening. So the thing you might do if you were faced with someone who did not think he had a problem would be, provide them with information. If you are reading this and you are already thinking you might need to change something, then you are already past the first of the seven steps that lead to real lasting change.

Often people reach the point of needing to change because of some traumatic experience. Until something happens we don’t even think about the need for change. Lots of people are suddenly confronted with a problem, most try to find a way to avoid change. Divorces or breakups, job loss, forced career changes, arrests and incarceration, and even medical problems can all require people to consider the need for change in their life.

One client told me he did not have a problem. This is typical in pre-contemplation. He just likes to have fun. How can you argue with a fun-loving guy? His wife, soon to be ex, she thinks he has a problem. His last employer told him he had a problem. So did his parole agent and a judge or two. But he was sure he didn’t have a problem.

With any problem, it seems to be human nature to try to find a way to cope without having to change. So we go through all kinds of mental gymnastics to try to not have a problem. Addictions to drugs, alcohol, food, or other substance are especially prone to go unrecognized. Some people also spend lives in bad relationships, sometimes we call them co-dependent or enablers, sometimes they just say they love too much.

People also can become entangled in activities, the gamble till. There is no money left and then borrow or steal money to try to win it all back. Some people are addicted to the process of pulling the lever or turning cards. Other people are addicted to being in a relationship. They would rather be in a bad relationship than none at all. Sex can be an addiction also. Recently we are seeing a rash of problems caused by electronic media. People spend all their time and money on a pornography site, even when it starts to affect their health or their relationships. Some people become addicted to gaming or high adrenalin activities.

So how do you know if the thing you are involved in has moved from you just like to have fun to an out of control life? Counselors have three ways to decide if this is a problem or not.

1. Does it affect your job or income? Has this activity you like to do cause you to lose jobs or promotions? Does it get you in trouble at work? Has it negatively impacted your career? Then this might be a problem.

2. Has the activity you are doing interfered with your relationship with family and friends? Once you start losing friends this is a problem. Especially if you find you are making new friends who agree with you that you’re drinking or drugging is no problem and then they ask you to pay for their drug use. See an issue here?  If both your ex’s thought your fun activity was a problem that should give you a clue. And if your family starts avoiding you and doesn’t want you around anymore you may have a problem.

3. If what you have been doing is starting to bother you. If you feel sad all the time or experience guilt when you do that activity, then it just might be a problem. Professionals call this subjective distress. It is easy to see when it involves depression, anxiety, and loneliness.

One way to understand this is that if multiple people suggest to you that you have a problem, weight loss in this example, then maybe you should check it out and see what they are talking about. At that point, you are ready for the second step in the process of change.

Next time we will talk about our model’s second stage of change – Contemplation.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

My plans for the end of the world

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Planet Earth

Earth.

As we transition from the year 2011 to the year 2012 many of you are recalling the news that this year is slated for the end of the world. Now those of you familiar with the old prophecies should be relieved to know that they did not predict an end to the earth! What was predicted was an end to some entrenched social and political systems. For my way of thinking that will come none too soon. The last few years we have had way too much bad news and it is time for us to start planning to do some things differently.

Back in the sixties, we wanted to change the world. That didn’t go so well and what we found was the only thing we could really change was ourselves. So for 2012, I will work on being the change I hope for, changing myself. On difficult days I will be content to just change my socks. I am not expecting much in the way of political change, we shall see, we shall see – about that. What happens in my house, my office and my town are, after all, more important most of the time than anything done in a capital somewhere.

As you saw by my last post I am not big on resolutions. In the past that just set me up for disappointment. So here are some of the things I plan to do during the next year while waiting and hoping for some improvement in the human condition. Mostly I plan to start small.

Through the year I will make an effort to try to be of service to as many people as I can. Mostly I will do that by doing the work I have been doing for a while now and hoping that sometimes I will be rewarded for my efforts with that green energy we call money and other times maybe the reward will be the good feeling that comes from helping others. Occasionally we are blessed to get both. Anyone interested in joining me in this effort? If we all do our best then should the world come to an end we can feel good about our efforts. If the end of the world fails to materialize, as it always does, then well – there is always next year and in the meantime, we can feel good about ourselves.

Over the next year, my plan is to write posts for this blog at least twice a week. Some weeks there will be more. Last year there were about 40 posts, part of my learning curve. Next year we will aim for a hundred or more. Since it is not polite to fill anyone’s inbox with blog posts I will endeavor to restrain myself and post no more than once a day. That sound fair? The key word here is “try”, as I find that restraining my urge to share is almost as difficult as getting the ideas to write about.

My posts are mostly things that counselors and therapists might talk about, current trends and topics. I do plan to write the posts in ways that will be of interest to consumers or clients so there is a minimum of references and citations. Just enough sources will be included to show whose ideas I am exploring here. If I leave out a source you are interested in please let me know and I will dig it up for you when possible.

In case any of those infectious journalists stumble in here, this blog is not meant to be journalism, not sure any of it is really news. It is meant to be opinionated, mine especially but reader’s opinions are valued also. Think of this page more like letters to the editor and the opinion page than page one. I hope you will all enjoy the next year of this blog and feel free to participate.

Most of the topics cover mental health, substance abuse, parenting, and the journey toward having a happy life. Sometimes I feel the need to get political, sometimes there will be things I just find humorous. Most of the time, humorous and political turn out to be the same thing.

The topics currently on the agenda for blog posts, which I will try to mix up to be of interest to as many people as possible are:

1. Change and how we do it

2. Recovery and resiliency

3. Bipolar disorder and some of the newer research in that area

4. Behavior modification and ways to help kids grow up happy

5. The process of writing this blog and the other writing I am doing

Anything else you think needs to be added to this list? Thanks for reading this blog and here is wishing you a happy life and a joyful year.

David Miller. LMFT, LPCC

12 ways to Sabotage New Year’s resolutions

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

the future

Living the Future
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

There are hundreds of articles out there about how to keep New Year’s resolutions. This isn’t one of them. This is about getting out of the ones you already made.

Lots of people make New Year’s resolutions, we feel we have to. But then the next morning we wish we had never said that. Here are some easy ways to make sure that your New Year’s resolution ends up in the dust and ensure that no one blames you for not living up to your promises.

1. Set huge impossible large goals. Despite not exercising for the last  60 years or so and having given up my photograph efforts in the late 1970s, this year I plan to make a film chronicling my success at winning twelve different gold medals in sports I had not previously played. Who could blame me for not keeping that one? The key here is to not plan to do anything, just plan to somehow have achieved the goal without effort.

2. Do not write down your goals or tell anyone. Writing things down leaves evidence. You might be tempted to look at your goals during the year. If you can’t remember what you planned to do how can it be your fault? Telling someone only expands the conspiracy. If you don’t tell, they won’t ask. People who blab their resolutions fell obliged to work on them.

3. Hang out with the losers. If you hang out with successful people you might emulate them. Want to avoid weight loss? Hang out at the donut shop or a buffet; better yet look up a donut buffet.

4. Resolve to change someone else. This is a favorite one that works every time. Plan to change your children or your spouse. Who could blame you if your family does not change? It was certainly your ex’s fault or maybe the fault of those rotten kids, wherever they are these days.

5. Embrace boredom. If it is fun don’t do it. Make resolutions to do boring, painful things not something you might actually get to like if you tried it. Nothing will squash a resolution faster than a good reason to avoid it in the first place.

6. Bet the farm on this one. If you are going to not do something, don’t do something big. Make your resolution so huge that your family might end up homeless if you did not carry through. Who could argue with you giving up your dream for the safety of your family? Doing a series of small things might actually be doable and then you would be stuck with a string of successes. Nothing ends your streak of failures like a small unsuspected success.

7. Test yourself constantly. This works well for alcoholics, who test themselves by buying alcohol and hanging out in bars. If your resolution had to do with food, go shopping and fill the house with your favorite foods. Then check the cupboard or the fridge often just to reassure yourself you have not eaten them – yet. Test yourself often enough you are sure to fail.

8. Don’t worry about being emotional. Watch sad movies and cry. Pick lots of fights. Argue with everyone you can. After an emotional day like that, you are sure to not have the energy needed to work on any stupid resolution. Happiness is incompatible with failure. Laughter can ruin a well thought out sorry-for-yourself binge. Stay moody.

9. Stop sleeping. Stay up all night every night and then sleep all day. Worry about your exercise plan, make a list of things you can’t buy. Lack of sleep will make you irrational but who can blame a half-crazed person for shopping online all night.

10. Give up all friends. Nothing so ensures your failure at resolutions as being totally isolated from all human contact. Quit your job, fight with your spouse till they leave, and hang up on your friends. People who are all alone should not be expected to be a success at anything, right?

11. Don’t eat. Being really eat-a-bear hungry can make you grouchy enough to not only stop trying but to be able to tell anyone still talking to you to put that resolution where the moonshine doesn’t- whatever.

12. If you tried before and failed don’t try again. Some people keep trying. If they keep that up they risk an eventual success. Smokers have an edge here. Most need to try to quit five to seven times so they get to talk about their try’s three or four times before giving up. Be careful though if you try too many times you might just end up making that change.

Well, I hope that this was helpful to all of you who are trying to avoid carrying through on your New Year’s resolutions. You could use this at other times of the year for any other change you are avoiding. Despite all my good advice some of you will try to make and keep New Year’s resolutions. Those of you who are successful will probably have passed through the series of steps we call “Stages of Change.” I see some of my former students smiling at that. They knew I couldn’t slip by mentioning the “Stages of Change.”

Spoiler alert – In a future blog I plan to write about how it is that people who attempt changes really do go about doing it successfully. Some of you are anticipating me and are inferring that real change rarely comes from one time resolutions and may involve a series of steps which we counselors like to term “Stages of Change.” If you prefer making resolutions and then not keeping them, avoid those blog posts.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Recovery defined

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Ball recovery

Recovery and Resiliency.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What exactly is recovery?

Should we describe someone as “In recovery,” “recovering” or recovered? What about resilience. Is it in any way related to recovery? This month SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) suggested a working definition for recovery.

The word recovery is commonly used when talking about substance abuse. Recently mental health has tried to incorporate wellness and recovery language into mental health programs. But it has long been clear that not everyone agrees about what is meant by recovery.

Trying to define recovery has always been a challenge.  Not the dictionary definition, which is relatively straightforward but not simple. Some common dictionary definitions of recovery include 1 A return to health 2 Return to a normal state 3 Gaining back something that was lost. The hard part was to explain what recovery meant when related to the issues of mental health and substance abuse.

Many people describe themselves as recovering. By that they mean they are struggling with a chronic progressive disease like alcoholism or drug addiction. They do not believe you are ever cured of a chronic disease condition and continue to remind themselves that at any moment they could experience a recurrence if they were to relax their vigilance.

Some people prefer the term “in recovery.” They believe that recovery is not a passive thing that happens to them but something that requires their active participation. They need to climb on board the recovery train and move towards their goal.

Some old-time AA members describe themselves as “recovered” and they point to the title page to the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” which states that the book is “the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from Alcoholism.” They further point out the book say that “we are not cured” but “have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body.”  The thought that anyone could ever be fully recovered scares other people. They point out that accepting being recovered might lead someone to become careless and think that there is not more work to do on themselves.

SAMHS has suggested the following as a working definition of recovery:

A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.

SAMHSA delineates four major dimensions that support a life in recovery, Health, Home, Purpose, and Community.

A resiliency researcher tried to explain the difference between recovery and resiliency as – Recovery is coming back from negative consequences and resiliency as the ability to continue to function despite traumas.

A short way to think of this might be – Recovery is the process of getting back to where you were, regaining your life and Resiliency is handling life on life’s terms.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

NO, NO, NO – Learning NO!

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Tree with just say no

Just say no.

Saying No.

Despite its short size the word NO is one of the most difficult words in the English language to understand. Ask any school teacher and they would swear that most of their students had never heard the word before. Parents spend the first couple of years of their child’s life trying to teach the child the meaning of the word NO. Then they spend the next few decades wishing they had never taught the child that word. Aside from the obvious benefit of stopping a child’s unwanted behavior, are there any reasons a parent should ever teach their child NO? If they should teach the child this word, are there any rules to stop the child from practicing this new word on their parents?

Some parents avoid using the word – NO, altogether. This word is taboo in their house. You can spot their children in any mall in America. They seem to have heard that we are not supposed to say the “N” word anymore. Do you think people are getting confused by this? Some people seem to have no problem teaching their children the other N-word but they forget to teach them NO. There is nothing worse than an adult with a limited vocabulary. Make sure NO is in your child’s lexicon.

Parents are forewarned – you have to say NO to your child so they can say NO also. Parents don’t often like it when kids say NO to things the parents have told them to do. We expect them to say NO to negative things like drugs and dangerous friends later on in life. So yes, they need to know the NO word, and what it means. Please, parents, don’t leave this task to the child’s teacher. By then your child is in trouble, and they probably will find it much harder to learn NO in a jail cell than in your home.

So teach them the No word. But don’t stop there. They will need to practice using this word. At first, they will get this vocabulary lesson wrong. They will think the NO word means the parent shouldn’t do something or that they don’t have to do what parents said. Encourage them to say NO to themselves. “No, I shouldn’t do that.” Learning to say NO to themselves helps them establish self-control.  But learning NO won’t be enough.

You also need to teach your child YES. If everything they ask for or say is greeted with a NO they become negative people or worse yet they start ignoring you when you say NO. No is meaningless without YES. Just for the record very young kids develop parental deafness if you say NO too often. So expand the vocabulary lesson. Try “don’t do that,” “that is dangerous,” “stop” and other synonyms. And try other languages.

Now by other languages, we are not talking German or French, but you could try that if you want. Most parents, mothers, in particular, use nonverbal language. In mommy speak this is called “the look.” You can also communicate the same message using “the voice.” Rather than yelling ever louder, there is a limit to how loud you can go – try talking in a – slow – low tone of voice. Most kids quickly get the idea that “the voice” means they are about to get in deep trouble.

A well-connected child, one who got praised for pleasing their parents would rather get a spanking than “the look” or “the voice.” So much the better, you get your point across and save your hand and the visit from the child protective services folks.

On that subject, some parents substitute spankings for teaching their child the – NO word. This is not a good idea. What you teach your child is not the word and the idea of “NO” but the idea of “to get what you want hit.” A teenager can hit really hard, as parents who have mistakenly thought that hitting could change behavior have learned. Teach them the “NO” word.  It is less painful all around.

One caution about saying “NO,” too often or too loudly. This word is like a flashlight; use it a little and it sheds some light on the subject, leave it in use too long and it stops working. Use NO only when it is really needed and use substitutes often. Other options with young children are “it will make you sick” or “you will poke your eye out.”

Some behavior books like Sears and Sears in The Discipline Book relate all this teaching of NO to very young children. You would think that it would be harder to teach it to young kids and it should get easier as they get older. That would be so wrong. For some reason two and three-year-olds pick up the word NO quickly. By thirteen most kids have lost the ability to learn that word altogether. So start young but don’t give up. With older kids, you may need some other techniques to convince them NO means NO. Teenage girls especially need to learn this, otherwise, how will they be able to teach it to their boyfriends?

So here is hoping that your child will be a vocabulary expert, knowing and using the word “NO” and all its synonyms correctly. More to come on changing kid’s behavior, resiliency, and recovery.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel