Tag Archives: self-knowledge

Creating the life you want.

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Changing your life

Time for a life change?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Creating the life you want.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Are you satisfied with the life you have?

Among the people I talk with daily, an almost universal characteristic is that they are unhappy with their lives. I realize some of that may be skewed because I work as a counselor and mental health therapist. When I’m not doing those things, I also work with a very limited number of clients, trying to coach them on creating a plan for life and achieving the goals they would like to achieve. You don’t have to be mentally ill to want more out of life than what you have now.

If you’re one of those many people who aren’t happy with the life you’re living, now might be a good time to look at where you are and figure out how you’ll get where you want to be. For most people, life is a road trip to unexpected places, relationships, and events. But it’s a lot easier to get to the destination you’re headed for if you have a roadmap. The map doesn’t have to control your journey, but it can sure keep you from making wrong turns.

Start by figuring out who you are and where you are.

On any journey, and life is absolutely a journey, it is helpful to start by knowing where you are and where you want to be. Even if, so far, you have been living your life as one long road trip, taking what comes along, it’s never too late to take stock of where you are and figure out where you want to be.

It’s helpful to take an inventory of your life. Make sure you balance the inventory by looking at the good and the bad. It may be hard to notice the good parts when life is challenging. In twelve-step recovery, taking an inventory is a formal part of the process. But as any successful business person knows, taking inventory needs to be done again periodically.

Your life consists of many segments or parts. I read a lot about work-life balance, but there are many other aspects of your life that need to be in balance also. In a future post, we will examine those various segments of your life and how achieving a better balance between the various aspects of your life and the roles you perform can lead to a more satisfactory life and better mental health.

Who you are has been changing as you’ve lived your life.

In the process of living, you have probably accumulated a lot of life experiences, both good and bad. When life is good, we tend to ignore the problems. But if your life has not you down, at this point, the only thing you may be able to see is the ground you’re lying on.

Don’t fall into the trap of believing that a flourishing, contented, satisfying life is outside your reach because life has brought you to where you are. Some people would call this a happy life, but the definition of what that happy life should look like varies so much that I will save the discussion of what a happy life is and what it can be for a future post.

As much as you can hold onto the idea that maybe, just possibly, life can get better. My experience tells me that for everyone I’ve worked with and known, it has been possible to make their life better. What that better might be for you is something you’ll need to think about, plan for, and begin taking action towards. We’ll talk about all these steps in future blog posts.

Start your journey to a better life by getting to know yourself.

Begin by looking at who you are now. Looking back over your shoulder at the past to see how past experiences and choices have made you who you are is something you may have to do a little at a time. Planning for the future that comes later. The best starting point is wherever you are right now.

For some people, their experiences in the past are so painful they can only deal with one layer at a time. I think of this as “peeling the onion.” You take off a tiny little layer of past experiences, and if it becomes too painful, you cry for a while. When you’ve healed from that experience, you may be able to take further steps.

Sometimes, this process of cleaning up the wreckage of your past, the things people have done to you, and the things you have done to others requires working with a counselor or therapist. Sometimes, it happens in twelve-step groups by talking with your sponsor and working the steps. Some people can make significant self-change by reading blog posts like this one and self-help books.

Because the project seems overwhelming, don’t let that keep you from starting this journey. One rule I hold onto personally and professionally is “better is better.” Another saying that fits this situation is “progress, not perfection.”

Self-knowledge is the key to any self-improvement or change process. Think about what is important to you. Is it money? Are you looking for success? Or are relationships more important to you?

Do you have particular beliefs and principles? Any plan for accomplishing things must be consistent with your religious and spiritual beliefs and your value system. Spend some time thinking about what your core priorities are.

I’m suggesting that you spend some time on yourself. Study yourself and find out who you are. Like any good student, you will learn better if you take notes. If possible, write down your notes by hand in a journal or other safe place.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to stay mentally well.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mental Health or Mental Illness

Mental Health or Mental Illness?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Being mentally well involves a lot more than not having a mental illness.

I learned this lesson from an old car I used to drive. The car was battered, and it had a lot of miles on it, but it ran, and it got me where I need to go. Periodically I took it to a mechanic to get it serviced. There wasn’t anything broken on the car, but it didn’t always run as well as I would have liked. On the freeway, if I got up to a certain speed, the car would start to shake and become hard to control, so I had to slow it back down. But when I tried to accelerate it took forever to get up to speed, and the things that the mechanic fixed didn’t seem to make any difference. This car had an air conditioner, but it never seemed to be able to keep up once the air temperature outside got above eighty degrees.

Finally, that old car did break down, and there was no fixing her this time. I bought a much newer car and was quite surprised at how much easier it was to drive my new vehicle. It accelerated rapidly, and it didn’t shake when I got up to freeway speeds. Not only did the new car’s air conditioner cool on high, but it could also make the car feel downright cold.

Just as there was a long-distance between a car that ran poorly and a car that didn’t run. There can be an equally large distance between a condition that is so severe it’s diagnosed as a mental illness and you’re being fully mentally well.

Here are some tips on how to improve your mental health and be mentally well.

Try some of these tips to improve your mental wellness.

Don’t let your thoughts control you.

There is a difference between your thoughts and the truth. Not everything you think is accurate. What you need to do is separate helpful from unhelpful thoughts. Just because something scares you doesn’t mean it is dangerous. Don’t fall into the perfectionist trap of believing that if you’re not perfect, you’re a failure.

Get honest with yourself.

Many people have these little stories they tell themselves. It’s easy to blame other people for what’s wrong in your life. Many people self-handicap. They tell themselves they can’t do something which then becomes their excuse for not trying. When I work with people, who were in recovery from substance use disorders, I discovered many of them had told other people lies so often they come to believe their own stories. You’re going to spend your whole life with you make it an honest relationship.

Being real is essential for good mental health.

Be true to yourself. Don’t go through life being a fake and living for other people’s opinions. Don’t fall victim to the “impostor syndrome.” Do what you can do the best of your abilities but don’t ever doubt that you do have some abilities.

Be true to yourself; avoid dissonance.

Living your life by someone else’s values will not be satisfying for you unless those are also your values. Many people have three separate selves, who they think they should be, who they believe they are, and who they wish they were. The farther apart these three selves are the more dissonance. Accept yourself the way you are rather than trying to become some ideal perfect person. Work on improving the who you are and consider living the life of the person you want to be.

Knowing yourself is part of being mentally well.

Self-knowledge will help avoid fuzzy boundaries. Avoid being enmeshed or codependent. Your thoughts and feelings are your own. You must live your own life. You can share part of your life with others, but you can’t live their lives.

Don’t dump your stuff on others.

Psychoanalysts spend a lot of time looking at things called transference and countertransference. Don’t assume because you’re angry that everyone else is. If you had a problem with your father, don’t treat all men as if they were your father. Try to see each person as a unique individual who may not feel or think the same way you do.

Double-check the blueprints you developed in childhood.

A lot of the problems adults have are things they learned between the ages of eight and eighteen, which turned out to not work as adults or to not to be true. Crying may have worked well to get grandma to give you candy but falling down on the floor, and crying won’t get you a raise, and it may get you fired. No one learns everything a hundred percent, and your parents could only teach you what they knew. Reexamine those old templates you stored in your brain about how you should be and how you should interact with others.

Learn to calm yourself down.

Small children are dependent on their parents to soothe them when they’re upset. As we grow, we should learn to regulate our own feelings and to self soothe. Don’t believe that other people can control the way you feel. You may not like the things others do, but you don’t have to become angry or hurt. Just because you feel agitated does not mean you have to act out.

Look for improvement opportunities rather than failures.

Making mistakes is a part of life. Everyone does it whether you see their failures or not. Don’t beat yourself up for every mistake. Learn from your experiences. Continue to get better at living life. Life will give you a lot of challenges. Just because you missed the target once don’t stop trying. You will either learn from your mistakes, or you will keep making the same ones over and over. Grow because of your experiences rather than giving up.

Start now working on your mental health and wellness as well as your physical health. Some things may be out of your control but take control of things you can. Just avoiding illness is not enough. You deserve to have the best life possible.

Look here for more information on Mental Health and Wellness.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel