Category Archives: Anger Management

Manage Anger by recognizing it – the Anger Cues.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Anger burning

Anger Burns the holder.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How would you know when you’re angry?

Controlling anger is a problem for many people. Learning to recognize anger when you see it, find ways to avoid or reduce your anger, and then to not anger yourself in the first place can all help improve your health and your relationships.

Whether you have been required to learn about anger, someone you know has an anger problem or you want to find ways to reduce and control your anger, there are techniques that will prove helpful. Less anger can also have positive health benefits.

If you have difficulty with your anger let’s start on a crash course in how to recognize the anger monster when he rears his head.

Anger causes physical changes – Your body tells you about anger.

Your body often responses to rising levels of anger way before you realize that anger is the feeling you are having. Think for a moment about how you experience anger and how you see it in others.

Do you feel hot or flushed? Does your blood pressure rise? Are their sudden onsets of “stress” headaches after which you discover you are feeling angry and resentful towards someone?

Changes in heart rate and in breathing are common as the body prepares for the flight or fight reaction that follows anger and hostility. Increasing anger also can trigger higher levels of anxiety in people with anxiety disorders. These fear, anxiety, and anger caused changes resulting in more blood flow to the muscles and less to things like digestion and rational thinking.

High anger is well-known to cause violence towards others but recently it has been recognized as a cause of self-harm also. Angering yourself, regardless of the provocation, can result in impairment of your physical health.

The result of anger is a flooding of the nervous system with stress hormones resulting in physical problems including, headache, digestion problems, abdominal pain, insomnia, skin problems, such as eczema, heart attack, stroke, and many others. Not only do high levels of anger increase your risk of heart disease, but anger can also impede the healing process if you have suffered heart damage.

Anger can increase your blood sugar levels, especially a problem for those with diabetes. Another common reaction to anger is to begin to sweat. Uncontrolled anger can reduce your immunity and increase the risk of getting colds or flu. Some research has shown correlations between high levels of anger and cancer.

For people in recovery from substance abuse or mental health issues, anger can be a trigger for relapse. If you are in recovery or have uncontrolled anger, the cost of that anger, whether you show it or not can be unbearably high.

Watch for these physical changes in your body and you will make progress in recognizing the things that trigger your anger.

For more on the medical aspects of anger see:

WebMD

Better Health Chanel from State Government of Victoria.

Behavioral cues – Your anger autopilot.

Notice where your body goes without you during an anger episode. You may find that long before you realize you are getting angry you have clenched your fists, changed your body posture or had other automatic physical reflexes.

Pacing and wandering aimlessly may also be signs that anger is taking control of you. You may suddenly realize you have been staring off into space or otherwise zoning out. Many people when angry, find their voice has risen to extremely loud volumes without them being aware they are raising their voice.

Slamming doors, throwing things are also common manifestations of anger. You may begin to act badly even before you are aware you are angry. Some of these reflexes are biological but others have been learned based on how you learned about anger and how your anger experiences have unfolded as you grew.

Learning to spot these behavioral cues can make you an expert in recognizing the Anger monster.

Anger brings other emotions along for the ride – fear, hurt, jealousy, disrespect.

Anger overlaps and cohabitates with many other negative emotions. When you are angry you may also become fearful, anxious, or begin having cravings for drugs or alcohol.

This coupling of emotions works in both directions. Anger triggers other negative emotions and those other emotions, especially pain, hurt, and loneliness, can trigger angry feelings. Just before you became angry what feeling were you feeling? Jealousy, rejection, feelings of being put down or disrespected can all trigger an angry response. If your anger was preceded by feelings of guilt, shame, or humiliation you may need to work on those other feelings to reduce the role of anger in your life. Frustration or impatience can trigger anger episodes.

Anger can also be a trigger for other mental health issues from dissociation to Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

Anger hijacks your brain – self-talk, pictures in your head, plans of revenge.

What you look for you get more of. Angry people are constantly on their guard watching for signs they are being criticized. Is someone comments on the things you do are you taking it as devaluing you and your actions?

Once the thought storm begins to build do you see insults and injury everywhere? Do you work yourself up into a lightning storm looking for someone to fry? Many episodes of anger are preceded by a storm of thoughts, rumination, about why people shouldn’t do or must do this or that. If you begin to believe that everything people around you do has something to do with you the anger will rise.

Have you seen changes in yourself as the anger rises? Watching for these cues help you spot anger and work to tame this beast before your anger damages your life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How angry is too angry?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Angry person

Anger.
Picture courtesy of Pixabay.

Does your anger get out of control?

People with an anger management problem seem to have only one setting on their anger control.

The anger is either off or it is on. This leaves them with only two settings,

I think I am not angry and I am boiling over with anger. Those boil-overs are what gets them in trouble.

Learning to recognize you are getting angry helps avoid boil overs.

A first step in learning to regulate your anger is to install an anger thermometer in your brain. Having this anger thermometer in place helps you monitor how angry you are and what is causing that anger temperature to rise.

Ever notice that in the summer a room that is 68 degrees Fahrenheit ( 20 degrees Celsius)  seems refreshingly cool, maybe even downright chilly if you just came in from outside where it was 100 F ( 37.8 C) In the winter that same room may seem hot if you just came in from outside where it was below freezing?

The same sort of thing happens with anger. When you are tired, have not slept well, are hungry or thirsty, you are more likely to become angry. Small irritations can set someone off when they do not feel well. Failing to recognize what you are feeling and to respond appropriately can also result in anger flare-ups. Mad, as in anger, can often just be sad in disguise.

These things will reduce your ability to control anger.

Alcohol use and abuse or drug misuse can also reduce your inhibitions and make small anger problems into serious events. Unresolved problems in one area of your life, financial or relationship issues can pop up as anger over things that might not otherwise set you off.

Rumination, that repetitive thinking about the same thing over and over, can also heat up your emotions to the vapor point. By rumination I am not referring to evaluating past actions or events to learn from them, what we mean by rumination is that habit we humans have to keep chewing on things that bother us until they make us sick. Rumination is an exercise in creating and maintaining unhelpful thoughts. More on rumination and its role in creating emotional problems is coming up in other counselorssoapbox posts.

How will you measure anger?

Begin your exploration of your anger feelings by creating a scale that works for you. Some people use a temperature scale. Other people find it more helpful to use a scale of zero to ten or zero to one hundred. Having created this Anger scale, begin to take periodic readings of how angry you are at any given moment.

It may be helpful to take your anger reading at the same time each day. Pay special attention to times you notice anger beginning. What was happening just before you felt your anger rise? Try taking your anger reading every day when you rise and when you go to bed. Do you wake up in a grouchy mood or does your mood get worse as the day progresses?

A further refinement to this scale would be to list some words for feelings related to anger and then try to arrange them on a scale from least angry to most angry. Is irritated the same as angry? Is strong anger enraged but moderate anger annoyed? Adding these other feeling words allows you to develop a range of feelings you could be having between not angry and violently boiling-over angry.

The goal of this effort is to learn to measure your anger so that later in the anger management process you can install an anger thermostat in your brain that allows you to turn the anger up or down at will. Most people have little difficulty angering themselves up but learning to keep the anger on low or even turn it off at will, that is a valuable skill.

Clues that anger is growing.

All this anger regulation stuff works if you are able to recognize your anger as it ebbs and flows. But if you find that you did not know you were getting angry and then suddenly you are boiling mad how can we help that?

Think about your past experiences with anger. Have you ever noticed someone becoming angry? They may have given off clues by their behavior or their body language before that anger outburst occurred. There may have been changes in their behavior or language.  In an upcoming post, I want to make some suggestions about how you might recognize that anger in others and in yourself before you hit the boiling point.

What kind of relationship do you have with your anger? Does it keep danger away or does it harm your relationships? Maybe a little of both? Stay tuned for more posts on Anger and how to tame that be

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Does anger management class help anger issues?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Angry person

Anger.
Picture courtesy of Pixabay.

What is an anger management class and how does it help?

Anger and anger issues are factors in a majority of referrals to counseling despite the fact that anger, as such, is not a diagnosable mental illness. Lots of people have asked me how an anger management class works and what do people learn there.

There is a strong connection between anger, and difficulties managing anger, and substance use disorders. Not everyone who takes a drug, medication, or drinks alcohol proceeds to lose control over their anger. So in that sense, we can’t for sure say that substance use or abuse causes anger issues.

However, problems with anger and controlling anger are so common among those that have a substance use disorder that most treatment facilities include an anger management class in their substance abuse rehabilitation program.

Most people who contact a counselor because of anger issues are doing so because others have told them their anger is out of control. Often this referral to anger management class is court-ordered after an incident of domestic violence or an assault.

Because of the number of referrals that are court-ordered, anger management classes, and curriculum can vary widely depending on the requirements of the court, probation, child protective services, or other agency.

An individual might see a therapist for any number of individual sessions to work on their or their family member’s anger. A few mandated classes run a minimum of 12 sessions, many more mandated, or court-ordered, anger management and domestic violence programs are 26 or 52 weekly sessions.

If you have been ordered to attend an anger management program make sure that the program is approved by the agency that is requiring you to get the treatment. Not all anger management classes are equivalent.

Most anger management curriculum is skills-based. This means that just learning the ideas in the classroom may not work in the outside the classroom world. There are exercises that need to be practiced and thought about between class sessions. Often there is written or verbal homework.

One saying in anger management books is that mad often hides sad. To learn to manage or eliminate your anger you may need to get in touch with other feelings, especially feelings of hurt, sadness, and shame.

Here are some of the topics an anger management curriculum may cover.

How to recognize when you are angry. Physical and emotional cues.

Many people think of feelings as something to be avoided. Substance users may have “numbed out” and lost touch with their feelings. Men often have only three feelings, good, bad, and furious. Learning that this feeling you are feeling is anger and that those clenched fists are a sign of trouble is a first step in learning to manage anger.

You need to learn to measure your anger.

Anger and related emotions can come in a variety of intensities. Learn to recognize how strongly you are feeling this feeling. Recognizing that the angry feeling is on the rise can help interrupt the anger cycle.

Learn how to turn the thermostat down on your anger.

It is not healthy to be at the boiling point all the time. Think of anger as having a thermostat. If the room gets too hot you can turn the thermostat down. Learn how to defuse and reduce those angry feelings.

How to change your thinking to avoid getting angry in the first place.

The way we see the world, the things we believe about why things happen causes our feelings. Learning other ways to look at things can help reduce those angry feelings. Not angering yourself in the first place is a difficult skill to learn for some people and it takes practice to master. This advanced anger management skill is the most effective way to change an angry life into a happy one.

Developing more effective self-control.

Every feeling does not need to result in an action. There are techniques to channel feelings into productive actions rather than into actions that damage relationships and have negative consequences.

Triggers.

Some things make one person angry but not others. Learning to recognize what triggers your feelings and how to avoid being triggered are helpful skills.

Assertiveness training to get what you need without excessive anger.

Many people can’t tell the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. The only way they know to get their needs met is to get angry, become aggressive, and hurt others. They can learn simple assertiveness training skills to get those needs met without creating wreckage.

Conflict resolution skills – how to solve disagreements without fights.

Like assertiveness training, conflict resolution skills can help defuse the consequences of disagreements. Most of us were conditioned to the win-lose paradigm. Turns out there are ways to create win-win solutions also. They take some effort to craft but using conflict resolution tools makes solutions possible.

How did you learn about anger? What was your family’s relationship with anger?

If you came from a family where anger was handled by hitting and yelling that may be all you know. Other families never expressed anger or disappointment directly and if you came from that style of family you never learned to express your feelings. People who stuff feelings are at extra risk to get full of anger and then explode. Check out a past post about Gunny Sacking for more on that response to anger.

How has anger affected your life?

One last way anger education can help is by taking a look at your life experiences with anger. Has it hurt you more than helped? What happened when others got angry? Did it destroy relationships? And most importantly how has your anger affected those around you?

Many people discover that when they got angry and acted on that anger they were the loser regardless of the outcome of their anger outburst.

For short anger management classes, SAMHSA publication SMA 05-4009 Anger Management for Substance Abuse and Mental Health Clients is an excellent resource. This curriculum can be covered in 12 sessions, though it is often expanded to more sessions to allow participants to talk about the lessons and to practice skills.

There are also a lot of self-help books on the topic of anger management. Look for those books based on CBT therapy particularly the ones by Aaron Beck or Albert Ellis.

For those who need a court-ordered 26 or 52-week anger management or domestic violence classes, there are longer curriculums available. Check with the provider in your area or the agency that is ordering the treatment. One good resource for anger management classes are the local domestic violence shelters who often provide treatment at low-cost.

Stay tuned to this blog (counselorssoapbox.com) for more on this topic in the future. While I can’t do therapy via the internet if you have questions about this topic I will do my best to answer them as time permits.

For more on anger management see Anger Management Posts.

Till next time, David Joel Miller.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do you have hidden anger?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Hidden anger.
Picture courtesy of pixabay.

Hidden anger can poison you and your relationships.

You may not feel comfortable expressing your anger. There may be others around you who try to pretend that they are not angry about things when deep down inside they are seething. Allow that anger to live inside you and no matter how much you try to hide it eventually it will seep out.

Hiding anger and keeping it inside is sometimes called “Stuffing your anger.” Stuffed anger will make you physically ill. Those people who try to pretend they are not angry, find their unacknowledged anger leaking out all over the place. One major way anger leaks out is through passive-aggressive behavior.

Hiding anger does not make it go away. Hidden anger will make you sick or poison your relationships. Expressing it in aggressive ways can destroy you and others. There are ways to avoid letting this anger build up and most of those ways are about seeing things differently before the anger takes hold and resolving conflict in positive ways.

You can’t defuse hidden anger if you do not recognize it. Here is a list of some ways anger stays camouflaged and how hidden anger will leak out. These problems may have started with hidden anger but unrecognized and not dealt with these symptoms can develop into depression, anxiety, or another mental illness.

1. Foot-dragging, lateness, and procrastination may be hidden anger.

Once someone develops a resentment towards you, they may begin expressing that anger in passive ways. They say they will do something or stop doing something but the thing they promised just keeps slipping their mind.

People can develop hidden anger and obstructive behavior even while believing they do mean to do the thing you ask. Passive-aggressive behavior can be an unconscious behavior.

If you find that you are habitually late for an appointment with someone, look carefully and see if you have anger over having to do something for them. Are you procrastinating about doing something? Is it possible that you have some anger over having to do this task?

Take a close look at the things that you never get around to doing and you may be able to diagnose a case of hidden anger.

2. Difficulty falling asleep or frequent awakenings may be the result of hidden anger.

Changes in sleep are often symptoms of an underlying emotional or mental issue. If you find yourself tossing and turning and thinking about someone or something examine this sleep issue and see if it is a hiding place for hidden anger.

3. Bad dreams and nightmares about the person who made you angry.

Bad dreams, nightmares, and their hurtful cousin, night terrors may have their source in anger that you can’t express. Hide that anger and the brain will continue to work on the feeling while you sleep.

Not every dream needs an interpretation, but recurrent disturbing dreams invite a closer look. Dreams that contain the effects of hidden anger are a good place for hidden anger to hide. You will find the hidden anger is readily recognizable when you begin to recall that bad dream.

4. Feeling tired, run down, and like you can’t take any more may be unresolved anger.

Anger that is not recognized continues to try to make itself heard. One theory about the causes of depression is that it may stem from anger that is turned inward rather than outwards towards the real cause of your discomfort.

When someone does something that could be a cause of anger and you are unwilling or unable to express those feeling the result can be a loss of drive. Nothing is fun, you can’t feel happy and all you want to do is lay around and try to rest.

All of those symptoms of hidden anger look like symptoms of depression and underneath a lot of depression, we find some anger.

Consider also that it does not need to be someone else that you are angry at. Anger at yourself is a prime candidate to become hidden anger.

You wish you had not done something, you resent the consequences, but how can you punish yourself for this error? Stuffing a mouth full of anger and making yourself sick in the process is one possibility.

5. Sarcasm, innuendos, and backhanded compliments maybe anger based.

Watch out for those backhanded compliments. When the things that get said to you are full of sarcasm and innuendo suspect that the humor is an attempt to hide some anger that the other person does not want to be direct about.

6. Icky sweet people may be disingenuous and hiding some anger.

You know the people I mean. They smile with even the back teeth showing. There can be something menacing in their smiles and greetings. Despite all their repetition of “dear” and “friend” you feel threatened not welcomed.

If this other person slips your name into sentences more often than a call center person from a third world country, suspect hidden anger.

Are you full of hidden anger? Are you the recipient of hidden or thinly disguised anger? Consider some work on getting the air cleared and the real problems dealt with. Or failing to be able to talk honestly about what is eating you or bugging them, consider if this relationship is really a healthy one.

Are there other varieties of hidden anger you have experienced? What other types can you add to the list?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Should you vent? The dangers of venting

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Should you vent?
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Do you need to vent?

Have you ever felt you just needed to vent?  Have you been around others who vented all over you? Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think. It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Have you been around others who vented all over you? Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think. It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Sometimes it feels good to let it all out, to tell that person what you think.

It is not so much fun if you are in the path of someone venting.

Keep in mind, there are a whole lot of problems that result from venting.

When people talk about “Venting” they are almost universally talking about expressing negative emotions. Even when people act out on supposed positive emotions there can be violence. Venting as a way to celebrate your team’s victory can end you up in jail if you act out.

When people talk about venting they are not talking about the slow letting off of pressure like when the teapot starts to whistle. Most people, when they vent look more like a stick of dynamite going off than a little steam from the teapot’s spout.

Here are some reasons that venting may make things worse rather than better.

Rehearsal for violence.

There was a time when we had couples in therapy hit each other with those sponge rubber bats and yell at each other to “get it out.” Some therapists discovered that after venting in therapy those same couples went home and then the next time they argued they started hitting each other for real, with solid bats.

Venting can increase your sensitivity to anger and violence. You are in effect practicing getting worked up and acting out.

Yelling, screaming, and jumping around does not serve to get a football team calmed down before a match, it gets them worked up and they go out there and become more aggressive. We will leave the issue of whether watching violence increases your propensity for violence alone for now. What is clear to me is that practicing aggression makes you more aggressive not less.

Venting increases your anger or other negative emotions.

Once you are extremely angry it is hard to control that anger. The most effective solution is to learn to not get upset in the first place. As hard as that sounds to do, once you get the idea that you can choose whether to get angry or not, avoiding anger is much more effective than venting once you get there.

The idea behind venting is that you are not in control of yourself, once you get angry you need to let it out and it is OK to subject others to your release of anger.

Anger management classes teach us that it is not what someone has done to us that creates our anger, it is our beliefs about that other person’s actions. Quite often the reason they did that thing which upset you was not the reason you think.

This does not imply you just need to take things. You have choices in your responses. The problem with venting is that we almost always go overboard and become excessively expressive of our anger.

The result is that after venting you end up regretting how far you went. You may even vent and then apologize. Once you have to apologize or get bailed out of jail, you have lost all the advantages of releasing that anger. You are now in a weaker and more helpless condition after venting than before.

Venting does not make you a stronger person. It leaves you making amends for the things you have done while venting.

Venting Damages relationships.

Even if you can vent and discharge those unpleasant emotions, that does not help the person you vented at. Often venting involves saying and doing things that may be hurtful to others. You vent, you feel better but the person you cussed out or hit may harbor a grudge forever.

Venting with a partner can damage a relationship beyond repair.

One reason venting is so attractive to so many people is the human tendency to store up complaints, sometimes called Gunny Sacking, and then let the other person have the whole load of our wrath all at once. This is an unhealthy way to deal with ongoing problems.

So before you let yourself vent consider other ways to handle those negative emotions or to prevent upsetting yourself in the first place.

Additional posts on this topic are under feelings and emotions, related topics are listed in the categories list to the right.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why Controlling Anger does not work

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Angry person

Anger.
Picture courtesy of Pixabay.

Some anger management programs make things worse.

Some common prescriptions for anger management do not work and can make things worse. There are things that work quickly and efficiently to eliminate anger but we try to wait till you have used up all your insurance and savings before we teach you these techniques.

Counting to ten is a prescription for disaster.

I do not know about you, but for me trying to count to ten when I am angry is a really bad idea. By the time I get to ten, I will have thought of ten new ways to dispose of your body. Counting to ten just gives me the time to leave my anger on the heat long enough to let it explode.

The trick here is not to learn to control your anger. The key is to learn techniques to not anger yourself in the first place. No anger – nothing to control. You think this sounds crazy, don’t you?

Albert Ellis one of the founders of REBT and CBT therapies wrote about this in a book titled “Anger: Living with it and living without it.”  It is in plenty of other books by Ellis and others. This formulation is so simple that once you get it, you almost instantly stop getting angry unless you chose to do so.

This model sometimes referred to as the A-B-C-D-E method has even made its way into an official government publication. This anger workbook is available free from the SAMHSA website. A free self-help book that also works? What a deal.

Here is my brief example of a way I use this model.

One night while teaching a class at the local college, a student in the very front row suddenly slams her books shut, grabs her stuff, and goes running for the door. No phone call, no explanation, she just runs from my class. We had a break coming up, couldn’t she wait till then?

This is clearly very rude. I feel disrespected. She has really made me angry. I vow that next week before I start class I am going to have a talk with this impolite person.

What she did, running out of my class, has disrespected me and made me angry.

A = activating event.

Which is what she did. She did it and she made me angry.

C = is the consequence, my anger.

So A caused C. Her action made me angry. With me so far? In class when I explain this, the students usually argue with me as we go along, trying to make me angrier. I am hoping you will hang in to the end.

The following week this same student is waiting at the door for me to unlock the classroom. Before I can read her the riot act she begins apologizing. She explains that she is so sorry that she ran from the room last week. She ate some food she bought from a street vendor on the way to class last week and she had a sudden attack of diarrhea.

Am I still angry at her? Probably not. See in between the “A” the Activating event, in this case, her running from the classroom and the “C” my anger, there is this other thing a “B.”

B = Belief as in “my belief about why people do things.”

If I believe that the reason people do things is to be mean and disrespectful to me then I will be angry. If I think that they did it because of some problem they have, then I do not take it personally.

Note that it does not matter whether it is true or not. I do not need to know if she is telling the truth to either become angry or feel sorry for her. If she really just was bored and chose to leave the class and make a scene but later decided to apologize and make up a story, I will still not get angry if “I believe” that she was not being rude.

Also if I chose to not believe her, even if she did have an attack of food poisoning, I will be mad at her despite the apology and the excuse.

The key to my anger is not in her actions or her apology. It is in what I chose to believe.

So anytime I feel myself getting angry I can –

D = dispute that belief.

If I can think of other reasons that people do things, then I can come up with alternative feelings. The result of this revelation is that I can disconnect those buttons and thereafter no one can ever “make me angry” by what they do.

The result of all this D (Disputing) is that I can choose to believe what I want and create an:

E = Effective new belief.

Now there may still be times that people do things that I find unacceptable and I will allow myself to get angry even if they did those things out of an acceptable reason. Or I can choose to never anger myself about what people do because if I anger myself I am likely to be the one who reacts out of anger and gets in trouble.

Now some of you are resisting this idea. You would like to hang onto your belief that other people make you angry because they don’t do things they “should do.” Or they refuse to do things they “must” do. Ellis had a lot to say about the dangers of “shoulding on yourself” and “Musterbation.”  I will let you read him for that.

Consider that there are evil people in the world and they do evil things. There are “stupid people” and they, of course, do “stupid” things. I do not need to like those things. I may even resist or oppose those things, but I do not need to anger myself when stupid people do stupid things. That is, after all, what they are supposed to be doing right?

Once you grasp this principle you do not ever need to allow anyone to make you feel any way other than the one way you chose. You may, however, need to cut some stupid or inconsiderate people out of your life because you choose not to put up with their behavior towards you.

If your ex continues to make you angry then you are choosing to continue to be in a dysfunctional relationship with them.

Consider this idea and maybe check out the SAMHSA anger management book or one of Albert Ellis’s books. If this idea makes sense to you let me know. If this post made you angry because you continue to believe that other people control your emotions and you chose to comment and tell me so, I may choose to delete your comment so I do not anger or upset myself over hostile comments.

Hope you have a happy and anger free day.

Give this process a try and see if you don’t find that you can anger yourself or not anger yourself depending on what you chose to do.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel