Category Archives: Relationships

5 Ways to Sabotage Open Communication.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Talking to yourself

Communication.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

5 steps to destroy communication.

Are your actions destroying communication between you and the important people in your life? When things are going wrong between people the way we respond to these conflicts either opens up the communication or it can kill the relationship. You may be responding to communication conflicts by doing exactly the things that destroy what little communication has been going on.

Do you wish you had better communication with the important people in your life? Whether it is with a partner, your family, or the people at work, communication destroying behaviors will make your life more difficult. These communication destroyers come up repeatedly in couples counseling. Once you adopt these ways of handling conflicts they can carry over into the rest of your life and damage all your relationships.

Here are some ways that you may be damaging communication with the important people in your life.

When communication is bad you leave.

Repeatedly leaving when communication is difficult damages or even destroys the ability to communicate. For effective communication, you need to keep working on things even when they are difficult or uncomfortable. Running away from conflict may seem the easy way out at the time but progressively the communication deteriorates.

Communication avoiders may leave physically, walk down the hall, head for the other room, or even leave the place altogether. Some people avoid the hard conversations by checking out mentally. They stop listening altogether.

If one of you finds that you are becoming overheated or triggered, you may need to call a timeout and take a break from this conversation. Be careful that repeated timeouts do not become a way of avoiding conflicts. When taking a timeout be sure to let the other person know that you will return later to finish this conversation. Try to plan a mutually agreed upon time-out signal beforehand.

You stonewall to keep the communication from getting through.

When people get angry, hurt, or resentful it makes sense to them in the moment to cut off communication with the person they see as the cause of their pain. Eventually, this builds walls and leaves you isolated. Cutting off communication does not make the relationship less painful, it leaves you living in pain all alone.

When the conflicts arise, emotionally healthy people, find ways to work through their conflicts and hurts without walling themselves off from others. Work on making this wall removal part of your relationship maintenance. If you lack the skills to take down walls or to solve problems without the walls, consider working with a professional counselor to develop more open and congruent communication.

When the communication gets uncomfortable do you attack?

The saying that a good offense is the best defense does not work in relationships. You can’t prevent pain and hurt by hurting your partner, friends, or family. In the moment pulling out all the faults of the other person to rub their nose in them may seem like a way to win the disagreement.

This initial reaction, to try to protect yourself by inflicting pain, is unproductive in a close intimate relationship. In other settings, work and friendships, this behavior may cost you the friend or even the job.

You are feeling hurt so you hurt them back.

When in the heat of battle, do you go for the jugular? Trying to inflict the maximum of pain on your adversaries makes little sense if you ever hope to get close and intimate with that person again. Hurts are cumulative. Add enough of them and the relationship fails.

Being able to absorb some emotional pain and still stay focused on what you see as good in your relationship is a skill that will make your relationship whether a severe storm.

If you have left a trail of wrecked relationships, with friends, family, co-workers, and lovers, take a look at the way you communicate. Have you inflicted a lot of needless pain in an effort to even the score for the pain others have caused you? Has that two-person pain made you happier?

You go along but save up the resentment for a rainy day.

Are you the one who goes along with your partner in the moment and says nothing all the while accumulating your resentments for use at a later date? We call this human characteristic “gunny sacking” a process of holding on to resentments, tucking them away in a gunny sack, and then let the least little thing go wrong and you will dump the whole list of past grievances on the other person.

Gunny sacking is a common practice in couples but it extends to all manner of other relationships. In friendships and work environments this accumulation of grievances can poison the place you spend your time and leave you the sicker for it.

Have you been practicing these communications killers? If so it may be time to decide to work on your relationships. Have that talk with your partner, family, friends, or important others in your life. See if you can improve the communication between you two. It may be time to seek the services of a professional counselor, couples, or marriage therapist.

Communication improvement can be best done when the two people with the conflict can sit in the room and work together on the issues. But if you can’t get them to counseling the counselor can still help you change the way you communicate and the result will be that the other person will need to change in response.

Are you ready to improve your communication?

You can find more posts about Relationships and Couples therapy at:

Relationships

Couples Therapy

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Partner did something wrong – now what?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Couple not talking

Unhappy relationship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What do you what your partner to do when they have done something wrong?

How you and your partner handle the times when one of you makes a mistake will make all the difference in how your relationship fares.

Partner mistakes come in all sizes and varieties from the serious to the trivial.

What you think of as terrible another person may not even notice.

Expectations cause conflicts.

If you planned a special dinner and your partner is late getting home from work, this will have a different impact on you than them. If you were expecting them to take out the garbage or perform another household chore and they were expecting to do this later, you can end up with a resentment over something they still plan on doing.

Couple’s problems that are the result of differences in expectations often result from one or both partners not verbalizing what they expect the other partner to “just know.” This belief, that your partner should know things without being told, is called “mind-reading” and creates a lot of couple’s conflict as do differences in expectations about who does what chores and when.

Having these discussions about what you expect and when is a first step in improving your couple’s communication. The second step is getting clear on what comes after your partner fails to meet your expectations.

Think about what you want your partner to do if they made a mistake. Then ask yourself if that response will make your relationship better or worse. If your partner does not know what you are looking for they will be unlikely to hit on the correct response by accident. Some of the possibilities below fall under the heading of “repair efforts” other fall into the category of behaviors that damage relationships beyond repair.

Do you want your partner to suffer?

If your partner has done or not done something and as a result, you are feeling hurt, is your first response to make them suffer? People who try to fix their own hurt by striking back at their partner may believe this is evening the score but the usual result is to add more pain and resentments to the space between you.

When you are hurt and suffering and then make your partner suffer to get even, your relationship suffers the most.

Should your spouse admit it?

In couples counseling, we hear one partner request of the other that they “just admit you did it.” This rarely solves the problem. It may be the first step, but once they admit they were late, forgot the appointment or another misdeed, what should they do next?

If this is what you request, consider whether this will be sufficient, or will you need to continue to remind them of how much it hurt you? If once they admit their mistake you still feel less than whole what else is required?

Should your partner apologize?

Are you looking for an apology or will more than a sorry be required?  Repeated apologies about the same thing don’t cut it. Eventually, you two will need to do some communicating to resolve where the problem lies.

For some people apologizing is saying the words, for others, it is taking action to change things. Be clear what form of apology you will require and communicate this to your partner.

How would they make it up to you?

Some couples practice a sort of “restitution” for things undone or done wrongly. What would make it up to you? Have you communicated this clearly to your partner? Do they agree with you?

Do you want them to brainstorm and come up with a suggestion on what they could do to make it up to you? Or do you feel you should be the one to ask for some other behavior from your partner that would make you feel compensated for having your expectations not met?

Should your partner empathize with you?

Knowing your partner understands and empathizes is just the thing for some people. Other people do not care if you “get their feelings” and want action. Couples that communicate well can discuss with each other what will work for them.

Should your partner give you a hug or kiss?

Are you someone for whom physical affection will make it right? If so an exhibition of psychical affection can go a long way to repair the damage done when your partner lets you down. Knowing they love you or that they love you anyway solves lots of problems.

Should they show their love in some other ways?

Are there other ways that your partner may make you feel especially loved? I find that Chapman’s – The Five Love Languages is a good starting point for couples to have the conversation about what makes them feel loved.

If your partner has done something that let you down, disappointed you, or that you feel was flat wrong, what are you expecting them to do next?

You can find more posts about Relationships and Couples therapy at:

Relationships

Couples Therapy

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

5 Paths to a better relationship.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Path to a better relationship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do these things to help create a good relationship.

Couple’s relationships start off headed in the direction of bliss and somehow, for so many, they end up in the pit of suffering.  How did your relationship get so far off track? If you’re not sure you may need to take a look at the Relationship Destroyers and see how many of these you are practicing. But regardless of how your relationship got off track, are you ready and willing to take some steps to get headed in the right direction again?

It is easy to slip into blaming your partner, while blame may feel good in the moment it won’t change anything. If you are thinking you want to see some changes, consider what changes you want to see and how willing are you to do the work to get this relationship headed in the right direction.

Think of relationships like moving a couch. Really hard for one person to move it very far or fast. But two people together can get the job done. So if you feel like your partner has put their end of the relationship couch down you may need to pick yours up first to help them get willing to make some moves again.

Here are five paths you could consider that may lead to a better relationship.

Good relationships require investing time.

Spend time together if you want to be together. When you first became a couple the two of you spent every moment possible together. Then along the way life happened. You get busy with jobs, children, and all kinds of outside commitments. Eventually, you had to reestablish your separate life. You had to start doing more and more things without your partner around. Eventually, you look up and wonder if you two have any interest in spending time together.

For couples to stay close they need to invest some of that precious time in the relationship.

Figure out where you are going. What do you really want out of this relationship?

Initially, the goal of couples is mostly just being together. Most couples never think about what they want from the relationship beyond the together part. Time goes by and then what happens?  You start to wonder now that you are together why aren’t things perfect? Children often happen so does work, family, and other commitments, and the goal of being a couple may get forgotten.

You wonder about those dreams and values you had before the couple thing came into your life. Are you two on the same page now? What is important? Religious values, or money, and things? If you didn’t explore your goals and values during the early stages now is the time to do it. Now is always the time.

Have that talk about where you see your life going. Do you see yourself being together as old retired people? Or are you only staying together or the sake of the children? How would you know if this was a good relationship? Does that mean the same thing to both of you?

Shared goals and values is a pathway to a good relationship.

When your relationship is not working try a new path.

What are you willing to change about yourself and this relationship to make this work? Do you know any happy couples? What do they do that you are not doing? Is this relationship worth putting some work into? Would any relationship? Before you jump to the conclusion that you need to end this relationship and look for someone new think about what brought you and your partner together in the first place. Are you willing to try again with the partner you have already invested so much time and emotion with?

Clean your own wreckage out of the way.

For many couples the reason things are not going well is because of the unfinished business of childhood, that baggage you are still carrying. How much baggage do you have? Are you willing to work on you to make this relationship successful? Or do you still expect your partner to supply all the missing parts for your emotional life? No partner will be able to always meet your needs. You need to learn how to meet those yourself and then see how together you can create something that is better than either of you would be separately.

What price are you willing to pay for a good relationship?

What will you do or give up to have this relationship? The highest prices we pay in life are the things we buy with time and sacrifices, not the things that cost us money. Can you accept that you are wrong some of the time? Are you willing to go along with things your partner wants to do even when they make you uncomfortable?

Many people discover that the things they enjoyed about their partner when they were dating scare them after they become a couple. Does that exciting person now seem irresponsible? Does that confident person now seem controlling?

Try being more accepting and open to new experiences the way you two were when you first started out together and see if that is not a path back to that relationship you once had. Just know that no one gets back to exactly where they began that relationship, what you want is to find that happy place you once were at, only a little farther down the road of life. Plan on growing together.

Those are some ideas for new directions you might take your relationship as a way to make it better. Have you found any other ways to create the relationship you want?

For more on this topic see:

Relationships

Family Problems

Couples Therapy 

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

7 Relationship Destroyers.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Family torn apart

Divorce.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How many of these relationship destroying skills do you practice?

Couples slip into patterns of behavior over time. Some of these repetitive behaviors make their relationship stronger, other relationship habits destroy your togetherness.

What one partner does the other tends to copy. Over time using these relationship destroying skills becomes a habit.

Do you and your partner practice relationship destruction on a regular basis?

Attacking your partner devastates the relationship.

You want one thing and your partner wants another. It is easy to slip from disagreement to seeing your partner as the obstacle to getting what you want. Many couples start out with a conflict about a simple thing, household chores for example, but this conflict quickly escalates to an all-out attack on the partner.

Moving from complaining that your partner does not clean up after themselves in the kitchen to an all-out global condemnation of them as a filthy, dirty slob is sure to damage your relationship.

Focus on the blame and make each other wrong.

Life can be hard. Bad things happen even to good people. When those inevitable difficulties come do you focus on making things better, what needs to be done, or do you slip into the blame game telling your partner it is all their fault.

Even if your partner has made a serious mistake, staying stuck on the blaming part keeps you two from working together to figure out how you will get past this.

Control your partner for a one-person relationship.

Many couples’ disagreements are not about the facts but about who gets to decide, who will be in control. Happy couples work together to make joint decisions. Generally, they delegate some things to each person. If one of you is better at organization and scheduling let them set the schedule. If one person handles money better, then they may be the one to manage the finances.

Avoid arguments about who is in control of what and try to negotiate this. When someone is a “control freak” this often comes from a place of anxiety and fear. Help them to see that they can relax and let you do things and their world will still be fine.

Stop looking at control conflicts as who wins and who loses. Look for solutions where you both win and no one has to be the loser.

Insisting on total control in the relationship is a formula for a dysfunctional, unhappy relationship. If one person in the relationship has “control issues” consider getting professional help to work through this.

If you can’t win the argument enjoy the martyrdom. Placating and the victim stance.

Placating, giving in, and taking on the victim role may work for a while. In the long run, being the constant victim is a damaging part to play. Couples that adapt the winner and the loser way of communicating are less happy in their interactions. Playing the victim may take some of the stings out of not getting your way, but it undermines the relationship over the long haul.

Build walls to keep your partner out.

Relationships, primary sexual ones, and even friendships can open you up to emotions. Wall building, cutting parts of who you are off from others can feel protective at the time. Over time the person who puts up the walls becomes progressively more isolated.

Put up enough walls and you end up living a lonely isolated life even in the midst of a relationship.

Avoiding the problems any way you can, destroys relationships.

There are innumerable ways to avoid problems. Some people turn to drugs and alcohol to avoid painful feelings, others bounce from relationship to relationship. Affairs are a common way of avoiding dealing with the core issues a couple is experiencing.

When you use these negative coping strategies to avoid dealing with the problems you dig the hole deeper. Learning problem-solving skills requires practice. If you don’t deal with an issue now you will need to deal with it later after it has grown to humongous proportions.

Resentments will keep you warm at night.

Resentments are a sorry companion. The feeling that it is someone else’s fault, refusing to let go of past hurts, will make you feel justified in staying stuck. Resentments can prevent any healing from taking place.

Holding onto resentments, large and small can isolate you, and eventually, Mr. or Miss Resentment becomes your primary friendship. It takes courage to let go of resentments but hanging on to them is a sure relationship destroyer.

Ready to let go of the resentment destroyers?

If you see that these relationship destroyers have taken up residence in your relationship, now is the time to start working on them. If possible talk with your partner about these issues and see if you can work through them. Pick a time when you are both calm and receptive.

If your relationship has been so badly damaged that fixing it is no longer a “do it yourself project” look for professional help, a Marriage or Couples Therapist before the whole relationship gets condemned and torn down.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Happy Fathers Day

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Today is Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

10 Characteristics of Emotional Vampires.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Emotional vampire.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Emotional vampires take your energy.

There are those people who drain the energy of everyone around them. They can suck the happiness right out of a room. In the beginning, you may think they are your friend or they are in need of help, maybe they are family. Over time you discover that they are feeding off your emotions and leaving you exhausted. Sometimes you ask yourself is it you? Or is it them? Others tell you that you are being emotionally abused.

Here are ten ways to spot an emotional vampire before they drain you of all feelings.

1. Their problems are always worse than yours.

You listen to them tell about their trials and tribulations all the time but should you ever face a difficult situation do not expect anything from an emotional vampire. No matter what difficulty you are having they have a story to top that. Every conversation turns to their troubles current and past. They have no interest in hearing about your problems because only their issues matter to them.

2. They take and never give.

You help them out because they need it. But let one time arise that you need a little help they will have a hundred excuses why they can’t. You may start to feel resentful when they ask you for something and then you question yourself. You should help out your friend’s right? But one day it dawns on you that they are never there when you need them. Emotional vampires take with no thought of giving back.

3. Nothing you do is ever good enough.

They can find fault with any and every gift they have ever been given. You try to please them and they point out your shortcomings. The gift is never good enough and the deed is never enough. Whatever you did for them you should have done more, done it faster and someone else does it better than you.

4. They can find a problem with good news.

Happiness destroyers can never see the positive in anyone or anything. Tell them that something good just happened and they will quickly tell you why this boon is nothing. They get a job and tell you that they know that it won’t last, the place is just trying to take advantage of them. You graduate from school and they will say with that degree you will never find a job. When they get a compliment they throw it back saying no one really appreciates them.

5. They make you walk on eggshells.

When you go to say something, you think first about how they will react. There are things you can’t talk about, people you better not mention, and topics that are off-limits.

When talking to an emotional bloodsucker you worry about every word you might use, being the one to set them off. Your time with them is spent worrying about what you need to do and say to not upset them.

6. It is all about them.

Everything that happens has happened or will ever happen is all about them. Every conversation turns to them and how it is always someone else’s fault they are miserable. Introduce a new topic of conversation it quickly turns back to their misery and their expectations that others will let them down. You need to constantly placate them and do for them and still, it is not enough.

7. You are a tool to get them what they want – manipulation

Feel like you are constantly being manipulated? You probably are. Emotionally abusive people believe that if you spotted their game you would not play. Do you feel that this person never comes right out and asks for what they want but tries to use guilt and manipulation to get their needs meet? Are they feeding off your emotions to make themselves feel better?

8. They look for ways to hurt others.

Emotionally abusive people are bent on revenge. They have a list of enemies and expect you to be on their side in getting revenge on that other person. Emotional vampires will make you chose, them, or the other. If you do not prefer them over everyone else you become an enemy also. For emotional vampires, friends of their enemies are their enemies. Anything short of total loyalty to them is a reason for them to lash out at you.

9. Their life is full of drama and it sucks you in.

If you have family or friends who are always in the midst of drama you will find that this is not healthy for you. Each day in their life is another soap and they expect you to be their constant sidekick in all this drama. Eventually, you will come to feel that your life has followed theirs down the drama queen highway. Your own life is always in second place to their current crisis.

10. They always need to be right.

People who are emotionally needy find it impossible to ever be wrong. They will keep the argument going till you finally give in and agree that they are right. Even after you agree with them they will continue to insist on how they are right. Any contribution you make to the conversation will be dismissed and may be interpreted as yet another disagreement with their always correct position.

Have you had emotional vampires, emotionally needy, and abusive people in your life? How have you protected yourself from them?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Happy Mothers Day

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Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Children with mental illness.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Crying child

Youth mental health.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How much do you know about children and mental illness?

Childhood is not a happy time for many children.

We used to think that childhood was a happy time and then you grow up and have to struggle with life’s problems. That is the scenario for some people but more and more we are realizing that childhood is the time when these emotional problems begin to develop. There is a whole lot of anxiety and depression in children.

Being anxious is not something that you automatically outgrow, Truth is that most people with adult anxiety disorders had serious anxiety attacks in elementary or middle school. Untreated these kinds of problems can follow you throughout your adult life.

In adult therapy, we discover that many adult issues were things that people experienced, learned from experience, between 8 and 18. These life lessons may have made sense as a child but as an adult, these learned lessons can hold you back. Some of them can keep you in pain for decades.

Part of healing from adult issues is going back and looking at the things you experienced and the lessons learned as a child that are not helping you now as an adult. Anything you learned can be unlearned. I recommend parenting education for most adults even if they have no children. Knowing what is normal at a particular time in life can help you fix the parts of your life blueprint that you have gotten wrong or that you never drew in the first place.

Learning about childhood mental illness can help you, it can help you in raising your children and if everyone knew enough we might not pass on so many emotional problems to the next generation.

Here are some resources that may help you learn more about childhood mental illness and how to keep those issues from following you or your loved ones throughout the rest of your life.

Here are some resources that can tell you more about childhood mental illness.

National Institutes of Health

Take a look at this interesting infographic on children’s mental health issues titled:

Are the kids alright? 

Also:

Mayo Clinic

WebMD

Have you found any other good resources for information about children’s mental health?

Isn’t it time we looked more carefully at this problem?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

11 ways to be a great parent.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Parenting.

Parenting.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Want to be a great parent? Here are some parenting basics.

Many people worry about how good a parent they are and how to be a better one. Those who don’t worry probably need help more than those who do worry. I recommend parenting education to many of my clients, even ones that do not have children.

Learning how to be a good parent can help you with the skills to be a good grandparent, friend or any mentoring role. Knowing something about parenting and how it affects children can also help you if you have unresolved issues from childhood. This is a skill I think of as self-parenting.

Here are some tips gathered from all over on how to be a good parent. My apologies to those I learned these things from as I forget who taught or wrote about which point. If you have gathered some other parenting ideas feel free to comment or use the contact me form.

1. Catch your children doing something right.

There are plenty of people who will point out a person’s flaws. You do not make better children by attending to only those things they do wrong. Too much attention to the mistakes makes the child think they are not capable of doing anything right.

Help them learn that they are capable of doing things and doing them well. They do not need to be the world champion in that endeavor at age 5. It is sufficient that they find their talents to develop and enjoy the process of mastering that activity they love.

Help children develop a sense of mastery. They will feel better about themselves if they can do good things.

2. Make sure your children know you love them.

Many parents think their children know they are loved. The trouble is a lot of adults say their parents never told them they loved them. We show our love sometimes by the things we do, feeding, and caring for family members. Trouble is other people may give you food or tangible things, that doesn’t mean they love you. Doing things or buying things just isn’t enough. People need to hear those loving words also.

Let your children know you love them not just for what they do or the successes they have but that you love them even when they are less than perfect. Love unconditionally, not just for the good times.

3. Parents need to be parents and let the child be a child.

You can have a good relationship with your children but you can’t neglect your duties as a parent. They need friends but that is not the parent’s job. There are times a parent needs to say no. You have to deliver the bad news. There will be times you need to set limits and boundaries. If the parent does not set limits the child begins to think they can’t be controlled. Eventually, they will come to believe that they can control themselves.

4. Take good care of yourself – set a good example.

Children learn more by watching what you do than by listening to what you say. Lots of people talk about what others should do. The lessons of what you do, come through loud and clear. If children see you never taking care of yourself they think that is what they need to do to be like you.

5. Maintain your adult relationships.

Parents need to have other adult friends. If you are in a relationship you need to spend time with that partner maintaining that relationship. Stay in touch with friends. Your children will develop friendships and eventually relationships. The kids can’t be the ones to meet all your social needs.

There will be life after children. If you are in a relationship maintain it. If you are a single parent develop other healthy adult relationships. You will need friends as your children venture out into the world and they will not be able to stay around to meet all your needs.

6. Get along with others. Especially the other relatives.

If you and the other relatives do not get along then you put your children in an impossible situation. You and your ex may not be together anymore but no matter how much that other person hurt you they will always be your children’s other parent. Don’t put your children in the position of having to take sides. If you keep your children from the other parent it is the kids that you are punishing not your ex.

Short of keeping your children out of real danger, it does not pay to inflict your pain on the children and keep them from having contact with a relative because they have angered you.

Having an extended family that the child can learn from and be supported by anchors them and give their life meaning. Don’t let your squabbles and rivalries with other relatives keep your child isolated from having a family.

7. Have good mental health – learn to manage anger and reduce stress.

Having a depressed parent leaves a lasting impression on a child. It is not noble to suffer in silence. If you have issues get help. Mentally healthy parents raise healthy children. Addicted parents raise children who struggle through life. Get healthy for their sake.

Do not alibi that “that is just the way I am.” You say you have always had a lot of anger? There was a time that you ate with your fingers and went in your diaper. If you could learn to eat with silverware and use the bathroom then you are capable of learning to control your anger.

Learn stress reduction techniques. Develop healthy ways of managing your anger.

8. Accept your child’s differences. They will not be small copies of you.

Parents want their children to be all they can be. What is not helpful is to try to overcome your failures by pushing your children to succeed where you did not. Love a sport? You can teach your child that love. They may excel. But don’t try to redeem yourself by pushing them to make the team where you failed or to win the championship you lost out on.

9. Make learning important.

In this world what we know can become obsolete. Any of you still using rotary dial phones? Not likely your children will get far with only that technology. Learn something new every day. Encourage your children to learn also.

Learn for the fun of it and then life becomes fun. The most successful people have interests and knowledge outside the field in which they work. Taking knowledge from one area and applying it to others is where much of the creativity in this world comes from.

10. Keep life in balance.

Life is not all about one thing. We need to work hard but we need to play. Children need to study and they need to laugh. If you do not have your life in balance then your children will have difficulty learning how to keep theirs on an even keel.

We all have many aspects of our lives. You need to eat well, exercise well, and sleep well to live well. Do not neglect the social part of your life. Pay attention to your religious or spiritual needs also.

11. Spend time with them.

Time is more important than money when it comes to raising healthy children. Do things with them. Take them along. Plan activities together. The toy may break and be discarded, the candy is eaten and gone, but the experiences you create together will last a lifetime.

Those are some of my suggestions for being a great parent. What suggestions do you have?

You can find more at  Parenting and Children and Family Problems.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Is falling in love part of recovery?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Falling in love in recovery.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does everyone that gets into recovery fall in love?

Everywhere you look people in early recovery are falling in love. This happens whether the recovery is from drugs and alcohol, mental health challenges, or just the problems of daily living. Some recovery programs lecture clients against getting into a relationship in early recovery. It is often suggested that those who fall in love in that first year are doomed to fail – at love and at their recovery. If these love and sex relationships are so problematic in recovery why do so many people go ahead and start that new relationship so rapidly?

Hooking up and “fraternization” gets more people kicked out of some drug treatment programs than relapses on drugs do. It is not unusual to have two clients in the psychiatric hospital make an effort to hook up. Plenty of relationships start before the two people involved ever hit the street.

The question is sometimes asked if love, falling in love especially, is good for or interferes with recovery. Falling in love clearly is meeting some needs. If it meets your needs why is it so universally frowned upon? What is the problem with the person in early recovery falling in love?

Sure it takes their attention off the work of recovery, but recovery is a lifelong process so we have to ask “Does this new relationship only delay recovery, or might it in some particular way send the person off in the wrong direction away from the goal of recovery?”

One model for human needs is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Let’s look at the problem of new relationships and recovery from this perspective. I will not pretend that this is a full or perfect representation of this theory only that some aspects of the hierarchy of needs might help us understand why people in early recovery are so prone to be diverted from recovery into falling into a new love relationship.

In the hierarchy of needs the list goes, physiological, safety and belonging, love, esteem, and self-actualization. The first four are ones recovering people are especially likely to be deficient in.

Love meets physiological needs.

People in their addiction to drugs or alcohol are prone to neglect their needs, physical and physiological. Good nutrition and sleep go by the wayside. Characteristics of depression and anxiety are changes in sleep and appetite. Sex is likely to become either a frantic desperate need or something that is neglected altogether.

When someone enters recovery they feel an urgent need to compete for a partner. Winning out in the competition for resources is a basic physiological need. Finding, getting, and having a new partner becomes an urgent need. For many Love is their new drug of choice.

Love meets belonging and social needs.

Safety is a basic human need. Having others around you should increase your safety. Many people in early recovery find themselves alone. “Hooking up” is one way of engaging a support system. Believing that this other person will protect or care for you can lead the recovering person back to a state of dependence. This time the dependence is on a new relationship rather than a drug.

The risk of this rapid entry into a relationship is that it will become a dependent relationship. What the recovering person needs is to learn to be self-reliant and capable of taking care of themselves. A new relationship can delay this development of self-reliance.

Spending some time by yourself getting to know yourself can improve the chances that you will not lose that self in the next relationship you enter. Another person is not a cure for your illness.

Humans are social animals. We all need other people. The person with friends and who is a member of a tribe has an added chance of being safe. We expect that being with someone in a relationship obligates them to come to our aid and rescue. Being part of a couple should be safer than being alone.

Being in love, part of the couplehood club can make you feel like you belong. Many recovering people have never felt like they belonged except when around other people with a like problem.

Love meets esteem needs, Self-esteem, and the esteem of others.

Early in romantic relationships, partners typically think of their new love interest as perfect, wonderful or other high esteem descriptions. It feels good to have someone who values you and thinks well of you. Being loved boosts your self-esteem, for a while.

Having someone who loves you or who craves your love can be a boost to your self-esteem as long as it lasts. The challenge is that in early recovery people do not know who they are and as they discover themselves those new relationships become less attractive.

Falling in love is easy, staying there is more difficult especially when the relationship turns out to be unhealthy. Falling in love while in the fog of confusion is a high-risk behavior and leads many back to their familiar problem.

Love and self-actualization.

Being the best you possible requires some time and some space to grow. It is hard to focus on yourself when you are distracted by trying to please and be pleased by another. Trees may belong in the forest but they still need some space to grow. People like trees benefit from being around others as long as they are not smothered and are allowed the room for personal growth.

There are likely to be some comments on this post telling me that they met their soul mate in the rehab or the psych hospital and have been happily together for decades. For every one of those people, there is a vast number who will tell us that those relationships begun when they were at their worse sent them back into their disorder or addiction.

Those are my thoughts. What are yours?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel