Category Archives: Self Help

Willpower Shortage

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Willpower

Willpower.

Willpower Shortage.

Of late it has become standard practice to decry the shortage of willpower here in America, maybe the shortage of willpower on planet earth. How did this worldwide shortage develop?

The shortage does not seem to be of recent origin. Writers from the Plymouth Colony, writing shortly after the founding in the 1620s expressed their concern that people could not display significant willpower to avoid breaking the laws. I am told that there are passages in the Bible about a lack of willpower though I am not sure if it is found in the book of Leviticus or not. Presumably, this worldwide shortage of willpower has been going on for thousands of years.

If we can find oil deep under the sea and rocks on the moon why is it that there has been no significant discovery of additional willpower in all these millenniums? Perhaps we have been looking for the wrong thing in the wrong places. Behaviorists, like Martin and Pear, believe they have discovered the source of the willpower shortage. They say there are in fact two very different creatures that we are calling willpower and that we keep looking for the wrong one in the wrong place. Could that be?

Determination.

Willpower One might more properly be called determination.  This is the willpower required to do something that we know would be good for us but that is unpleasant or painful while we are doing it. Exercise is a good example. We all know we should do more exercise. It has all those positive benefits, like losing weight and being healthier. But it is hard to think about doing something that involves effort and possible unpleasant pain when there is that nice warm comfy couch sitting there and there are 36 new movies on the cable that begs to be watched.

It takes a special brand of willpower to give up a current pleasure or reward, sitting on the couch and watching movies, to secure far-off benefits like weight loss and improved health. To continue to engage in this effort for a deferred gain we need lots of positive encouragement and reinforcements. This is why people who exercise in groups where they encourage each other are more likely to succeed than those who try to do an exercise program alone.

The problem with shortages of this first kind of willpower is that the current negative of the action does not seem to have much connection to a far-off positive result like weight loss. It is hard to make yourself do something today for a gain a long time from now. This kind of willpower deficiency also accounts for the lack of retirement savings of many citizens.

One way to offset this is to turn the negative into a positive. Instead of exercising, pick a hobby that involves activity. Square dancing comes to mind. You get some positive people interactions coupled with the advantage of exercise and it could be fun.

Self-denial

Will Power Two, maybe we should call this self-denial, is the kind of willpower needed to get ourselves to give up something that we know is not good for us but is so much fun. In this type of willpower, the problem is to skip those extra goodies that put on the pounds. We know that obesity is bad. And we know that eating a few extra calories will over time pack the pounds on. But it is hard to connect in our minds the extra pounds and the health impairment a year from now with the one extra cookie. Usually, the one extra cookie wins out.

In trying to cut down on things like extra cookies or cigarettes the challenge is to give up a current pleasure for a far off good. Addictions fall in this class of shortage of willpower. One behavioral approach is to create a script that you say to yourself. Behaviorists call this self-instruction. You might say to yourself that you do not need that drug or that cookie and that you are looking good. Substance abusers find that the more time they spend with people who encourage them to stay sober the more likely they are to succeed.

At this point, we are almost a month into the year. How many of you have given up on your New Years’ resolution? Did you read my series on stages of change? Think about where you are in this change process and how you might start moving forward.

If you are short on willpower, what positive things could you use to reward yourself for doing those hard to do things? What could you do to make giving up those current pleasures to secure a long-term goal feel less like a sacrifice?

Anyone out there have an experience to share that involves making a change and increasing your willpower?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Clear Values

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

When you are struggling with life’s problems it is difficult to keep your priorities straight. People who have anxiety disorders find everything is so important they run from task to task with never a chance to rest. People with depression find any and all tasks overwhelming. Sometimes it is hard to take any action. Recovering people are often faced with the need to decide what is really important in their life. What things need to be kept and what things can be let go. We call this process “values clarification.”

“Values Clarification” is also an exercise that we sometimes run in group therapy. It goes something like this. Each member of the group is asked for two things that are important to them. We go around the group and everyone gets a chance to tell us about two things that are important in their life. I like to write this on a board or paper in front of the group as I go. Sometimes we get several things that seem almost the same and need to be lumped together. For example, one person may say my job and another says his career. I make a bigger category of employment.

These lists contain quite a variety of things. Some people nominate material items, a car, money, or a place to live. Other people list self-improvement things like education, sobriety, or achieving a life goal. Many people mention relationships, like with their wife, husband, or children. Some people include spiritual values like God or religion. And there are often nominations for global goods like peace, health, ending pollution, and saving endangered species.

Now I have found that the list I get varies a lot depending on the group involved in this exercise. People in a locked hospital because of psychosis are likely to mention basic needs of life, like food or a place to live. People in substance abuse treatment are more likely to mention things like sobriety and attending twelve-step meetings. They are also more likely to look at internal personal things as important like peace of mind and self-respect.

The next step in the process involves clarifying these values. Son and daughter might be combined to make children and so on. Each member of the group is then given three votes for items on our refined list. This requires them to vote for at least one thing they did not nominate. It also allows people to change their minds and vote for things that they did not think of before. In the process of voting a strange thing takes place.

The list has some items with a lot of votes and others with few or no votes. In almost every case I have ever done this, relationships, family, and friends rose to the top of the list. So did intangibles. Peace, happiness, sobriety, and security, which beat the heck out of money, cars, and pleasure most every time. In recovery, we find that the values we hold drive our actions. It is important to be clear about what really matters.

So if relationships and peace of mind are so important to us – why do so many people spend all their time and effort on making money and getting things?

What is important to you? What do you spend your time pursuing?  Care to comment and share what you value most?

Special thanks to Irene Aparicio, LCSW, an early supervisor in my career who taught me this exercise.

Till next time, David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

The Inside and Outside of Relapse triggers.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Relapse

Relapse.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Relapse triggers, either internal or external, are those things that set off cravings in a recovering person. The failure to do maintenance steps in the process of change increase the risk of giving into triggers.

External triggers are the things outside ourselves that place us at risk to resume old behaviors and give up on the progress of recovery. Shorthand ways of understanding these triggers are people, places, and things.

People are one of the biggest reasons people relapse. There is a huge temptation to look up old friends. Often the only thing that you have in common with an old friend is a history of using drugs or drinking. Sometimes there was a history of other dysfunctional activities, codependency, or abusive relationships. If the people you had around you in the past supported your addiction or if they were not affirming, or made you feel bad about yourself, being around them can take you back there. Avoiding people who are bad for you is not being selfish.it is being self-caring. In early recovery it is suggested you not make a change you can’t take back like changing jobs or relationships. Surround yourself with people who support your recovery.

Places are another important external trigger to pay attention to. Alcoholics need to avoid bars; drug addicts should avoid dope houses. But there are other places to avoid. People with relationship issues should avoid revisiting places they used to go with a partner who is no longer in your life. Should someone on a diet visit a candy store? I wouldn’t recommend it. Think about places that you may need to avoid if you want to be secure in your recovery. Is there a family member or former friend who triggers your issues?

Things can also reignite thoughts of returning to an old lifestyle. Music can be a powerful memory trigger, so can some smells. People with relationship issues, sometimes we call these people love-addicts, find it hard to let a relationship go. They keep the old moments out. They think about the things they did together. One last call to see how that person is doing is likely to set off a new round of problems. Carrying lots of cash can trigger some people, especially gambling addicts and former drug dealers. Sometimes it is a pipe or a lighter you find hard to get rid of. Is there something that reminds you of your issue but which you find hard to give up?

Internal triggers are the other part of the equation. The things going on inside our bodies and our minds are also relapse triggers. The word HALT standing for, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired is used as a reminder of those triggers.

Hunger, thirst, and many other physical sensations can make you feel restless, irritable, and unleash the cravings. Negative emotions are powerful relapse triggers. Feeling anger fear or resentment, any number of negative emotions can cause someone to catch a case of “who cares.” Loneliness sends people back to their disorder quickly. Being tired is likely to upset recovery also. All of these internal triggers have to do with not taking care of ourselves. It is a short hop from not taking care of yourself to thinking you don’t deserve care, after that why should you hang on? Why not go back to the old life? People who don’t provide good self-care don’t encourage others to care for them. They start believing they don’t deserve to be treated well and then they stop treating themselves well.

Another way of understanding internal and external triggers is to look at the two main causes of relapse, romances, and finances. Romances are all about your feelings, feelings of loving and being loved, self-worth, and self-esteem. Finances, mostly money, is the ultimate thing. Lack of money can sap our will to change. Having a lot of money makes some people feel they are invincible; the rules don’t apply to them. Pay attention to the healthiness of your relationships with things and with people. When one of these relationships gets out of balance, your life is headed out of balance.

These are only some of the things that might cause you to relapse. We each have our own triggers. What are yours? Knowing your triggers and how to defuse them strengthens your recovery.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How do people change? Preparation

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Stages of Change – Preparation.

In the last two blogs (Stages of Change – Pre-contemplation, Contemplation) we explored steps one and two of a model of change. Some of you will remember that I was using a weight loss example. The need to change could be weight loss but it might also be an addiction, job or career change, or a relationship event. So to recap past episodes of my little story, I go to a reunion, people tell me I have put on a lot of weight. At first, I deny this, and I argue about it. That stage of change is called pre-contemplation. Next, I do some thinking about it. I weigh myself, ask the advice of others and I do lots of thinking about it. Finally despite all my efforts to avoid having a problem I discovered that in fact, I do have a problem. Now I am faced with a choice.

At this point, I could just accept the fact that I am now FAT!  Accept and go on with my life maybe embrace the idea. Yes, I am fat and proud of it. Since I am fat why not be the best that I can be and let my fatness shine through. Some people accept their problem. Many alcoholics go on drinking until the bitter end. Or – as strange as this may seem to some people I could decide to make a change and face my problem. That brings us to the third stage of change.

Stage of change 3 – Preparation. Some authors call this determination.

So I decide to challenge my fatness or my joblessness or – could be any other problem. I get out the phone book and look up gyms. There is one right around the corner and I call them. Then for good measure, I call a few more. Most gyms have sales on new memberships around the first of every year. Three months for the price of two and so on. They know that lots of us will decide to exercise, get in shape, join a gym as part of our New Year’s resolution. They also know to get the cash now, because by February at the latest most of the new gym members will have stopped coming. But a few people will stay at it and next year they will be that slim trim self I want to be. So how do they do it?

So I go down and tour this gym. I like the place, friendly people and all, so I join. And I get ready. There is a sporting goods store in that shopping center and I go there and buy some new exercise clothing. Notice I still haven’t exercised much but my credit card at this point. But there is more.

I see a video sales and rental place in the center. I go in there and find some exercise videos. I am in whole hog. I buy three videos. Now I take them home and put them in the VCR.  (Update this to DVD or Blue Ray or Hollow-suite program as needed.) I pop a big bowl of popcorn put my feet up and sit and watch these three videos, faithfully for a week. I really like watching exercise videos. Not so sure about actually exercising though. See a problem here?

Pause this picture for a minute. Doesn’t this apply to most any planned change? People buy books, self-help, or AA books, and then they take them home and pile them on the table and balance a drink on them. Other people put that new self-help book under their pillow in the hope that by osmosis the book will change us while we sleep. Unfortunately, change requires more than preparation. Don’t misunderstand here. Getting a list of meetings for AA or weight loss places is good. Joining a gym is good also. But doesn’t it take more than preparation to make a change?

At some point, I need to stop preparing, use that determination, and actually do something. Next blog we will talk about that next fourth stage of change where the rubber meets the road, where we finally start doing some things that result in change. So if you still want to learn about stages of change stay tuned for the next blog post. If you have decided to stay the way you are or to change someone else, skip the next couple of posts and rejoin us for the episode after the change is over. Feel free to share your thoughts along the way.

Other posts on this topic can be found at Pre-contemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Early Action, Late Action, Maintenance, relapse, recovery, triggers, support system, more on support systems, Resiliency

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Don’t think about elephants

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Elephant.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

For the balance of the time you are reading this blog – please do not think about any elephants.

I know this may be difficult for some of you but whatever you do – do not think about the elephants.

No cheating now.

Do not think about African elephants.

Please do not think about those big gray Indian elephants.

It would be especially important to not think about circus elephants or pink elephants or even cartoon elephants like Dumbo.

So how did you do? Did you think about even one little elephant?

Most of you did think about an elephant, didn’t you?

This short exercise illustrates how difficult it is for a person who has a problem, any problem, to avoid the problem by not thinking about it. The very effort to not think about the problem immediately makes us think of – the thing we were trying to avoid.

Lots of people try to solve their other problems in the same way. Let’s not think about them. Substance abusers who try to not think about their drug of choice spend all their day with the thoughts of that drug running through their heads. Dieters have the same problem, the more they try to think about not overeating the more food intrudes on their thoughts.

So what should you do?

You can’t just sit and think about your problems either that is called brooding. The more you ruminate the more depressed and anxious you will become.

There are two approaches to solving the problem of constant unwanted thoughts.

Do something. Many problems grow the longer you avoid them. Sometimes this is described as – while you are inside hiding from the problem the difficulty is outside doing push-ups. The longer you avoid the trouble the large it looms. Financial problems and unhealthy lifestyles are the most likely to grow. The sooner you take action to cut spending, raise your income, take a second job or just accept that your dream house or toy is really out of reach the sooner you can begin making progress towards solving the problem.

The other approach, the one especially recommended for addictions and other habits that seem to own you is stop trying to not think about the bad habit and begin to focus wholeheartedly on positive things. What would your life be like without that elephant you have allowed to live in your living room? Focus on the new pattern or activity you want to replace the unwanted tendency.

How do you decide which method will be most successful?

If you do nothing will the issue you are avoiding eventually destroy you? Addictions will, a mounting debt will. Unhealthy lifestyles, like smoking, will eventually shorten or end your life. Doing nothing should never be an option.

Unhealthy habits like addictions can never be overcome by sitting passively and resisting the urges. As a counselor, I don’t try to take an unhealthy behavior away from someone, which leaves them empty and hurting. Instead, we try to find something desirable, worthy, and uplifting to replace the burden the client is trying to put down.

So, in the end, the best successes for changing your life and improving the self comes not from struggling to avoid something but from finding a new positive goal to move towards.

As many a twelve-stepper will tell you, the greatest progress towards recovery comes in the times when we seek to do something for someone else. Trying to be of services to others, thinking of how we might help them always takes us further away from our own defects of character.

Here is wishing you a happy journey towards whatever happy life goal you decide to pursue.

P. S. The picture is from Wikimedia Commons.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Stress

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2

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Stressed

Feeling stressed out?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Stress!

“Can you feel the stress in this room?”

The person next to me bent over and whispered in my ear. “Yes,” I replied. “I have never felt it this strongly,” they said.

Are you feeling it too?

These days people are collapsing under stress as never before. Fear is stalking us.

We are daily reminded of two wars – should we make that three – and counting? Housing prices continue to crumble; most homeowners are underwater if they haven’t lost their home to foreclosure already. Unemployment is up – stubbornly up. In my area, unemployment flirts with the 20% mark. Is it any wonder we are stressed?

The gridlock in Washington hasn’t reduced the stress level of anyone I know. Did I hear that right – politicians almost let us default on the NATIONAL DEBT! And the stock market makes my stomach hurt worse than any roller coaster I ever rode on. Consumer confidence is near the bottom. Did I read that right – one credit card company emailed me a warning – I did not owe them anything but they were warning me THEY didn’t have the money to lend me?

Are company presidents really bragging about the number of American jobs they have eliminated?  It is not just the low-skilled unemployed that are out of work. People with college degrees are unable to find jobs; some are running out of unemployment benefits. And the once safe place – government employment – has become a scary place as huge numbers of government employees at all levels are being laid off.

There was a time when the way to escape economic uncertainty was to go back to school, usually to college, and get a degree. A degree is still a wonderful thing, but occupations are changing so rapidly a degree is no guarantee of finding a job.

California has traditionally been the land of second chances. And third and fourth … But as the budgets shrink colleges everywhere are raising tuition, cutting classes, and capping enrollment  So even if someone chooses to go back to school there are no guarantees of admission, classes, or a career afterward. That is causing students a lot of stress.

Being a parent is even more stressful. Lots of kids are not finishing school. The numbers going to juvenile halls show no sign of declining. Teen pregnancies and drug use are everywhere you look. If parents had known the risks beforehand we might not have become parents.

It’s only adults that stress right? Kids don’t understand stress, right? They don’t know we are stressed, we are hiding it well. Wrong! The hospital emergency rooms are seeing those kids. I read on the internet, a study which said over the last ten years the number of children admitted to psychiatric hospitals has continued to rise. These are kids who say they want to commit suicide, kids who wish they were never born, or they wish that they were dead.

No, not every kid says that, but the numbers who do are rising. Kids who never before knew what homelessness meant are learning the hard way. Kids tell me they have moved 3 – 4 – 7 times or more because the family couldn’t pay the rent. Several families move in together in a house too small for one family.

Some kids get kicked out of school. I am seeing a wave of home-schooled; self-taught students who couldn’t be kept in the classroom anymore because of their behavior – or their parent’s behavior.

Lots of those kids who end up in contact with the official system, welfare, Child protective services, juvenile hall, where are their parents? They are in prison and jail. In our society, for a long time, one in three black men went to prison. But the numbers are changing now. More Hispanics, more women, and more white men are going to prison. Nowadays everyone gets a chance to do time.

Our prisons are overcrowded and soon we will have to start letting people out to make room for the new prisoners.

Some kids are looking forward to seeing their parents freshly released from prison; some are scared for the same reason.

It’s the drugs, right? We have been fighting the war on drugs so long, our battle flag is torn and covered in blood. More children and younger ones are trying drugs. Some are doing drugs with their parents; others are stealing their parent’s drugs.

And it’s not just the same old drugs, six new drugs, maybe more, have arrived on the streets of America in the last couple of years. Some of these drugs aren’t illegal yet. Most don’t show on the hospital screening tests. And the kids who tell me they are using drugs – they keep getting younger and younger.

And the drugs that hurt the most are not the rare illegal ones. They are not the ones that sneak in through the windows but the ones that we openly carry in the front door. Alcohol and Tobacco-related deaths account for over 95 percent of all drug-related deaths. Abused prescription drugs are in second place with all illegal drugs a distant third.

So what causes these children to succumb to all this stress?  Why do some parents cave in under the stress and others make it through? In the future, I will write more about my thoughts on withstanding stress, but now I would like to know –

What do you think?

How do you cope with stress?

How can those of us that are in the helping professions, counselors, therapists, doctors, nurses, and others – how can we help people to withstand these horrific levels of stress?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

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Common Challenges Remote Workers Face

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Remote Worker
Source: Unsplash.com | By: Yasmina H. | Rights: Free to use under the Unsplash License

Over 4.3 million people in the U.S. work remotely. While many thrive in the new work-from-home space, some still struggle with the various psychological challenges that present themselves in remote work. These challenges not only inhibit the productivity of workers but also play a key role in the mental and physical well-being of employees. 

Below are some of the most common challenges remote workers face and strategies to help overcome them. 

Overworking Yourself

In 2021, unplugging was the most common challenge faced by remote workers and continues to be the number one challenge in 2022 as well. It can be easy to forget to take a break or overwork yourself when working from home. However, not taking breaks or forgetting to unplug when the work day is over can lead to feelings of fatigue, stress, and burnout. 

Remember, it’s okay to take breaks and allow yourself to reset once in a while. Productive breaks are important during the work day both at home and in the office. It allows you to concentrate better, maintain your energy, stay motivated, and keep you mentally refreshed.

If you struggle with taking breaks, try out the Pomodoro Technique. The method advocates working in chunks and taking often, but brief, breaks throughout the day. This time management strategy can be a great way to encourage breaks, increase focus, and allow you to optimize your productivity without feeling overwhelmed. 

Along with breaks, it’s important to set a hard start and end time or goal each day; so you know when to stop working. When working remotely, it can be easy to stay on the clock even throughout the night. When your work day is over, shut down your computer and silence your work notifications. This will allow you to truly unplug and enjoy your personal time. 

Separating Personal and Professional Life

When you work where you live, it can be hard to separate your personal and professional life. This can increase feelings of anxiety, stress, and frustration. As a remote worker, it’s important to maintain a barrier between work and personal life. 

A great way to separate the two is by having your own dedicated workspace. Create an office separate from where you sleep. It’s important to avoid doing work in your bedroom to help practice sleep therapy, maintain your room’s relaxing nature, and have a physical barrier between your personal and professional life.

To maintain that division, try renting a coworking space or working in a coffee shop. However, if you want to avoid paying fees or having to purchase coffee daily, create your own office space right at home. If you own a home, consider using a home equity loan to construct an optimal covid safe office. This will give you the divide you need while also increasing the value of your home. Constructing an office space is especially advantageous if you have others in your household who work from home, you have kids that need parental supervision, or if you have conditions that don’t allow you to leave your home. Having this space will allow you to create that needed divide, while still being able to enjoy the advantages of working at home. Regardless of what you chose, having a physical separation will clearly define your work and personal life, allowing both to coexist without interfering with each other.

Feeling Isolated

Another major psychological challenge remote workers face is feelings of isolation. It can be easy to forget to leave your house when working remotely. Additionally, not having the typical social interactions from a traditional workplace can make working from home a lonely experience.

To help avoid feelings of loneliness, make an effort to leave your house. Take the time to go for a walk or do an activity outside of your workspace to get your daily dose of sunlight. If possible, take one day a week to work outside your home. This could be as easy as working from your porch or backyard. If you have friends or coworkers in your city, consider meeting up at a coffee shop, public university, or library to do work together. Leaving your home office will help you to feel less isolated, and working with others will help mitigate feelings of loneliness. 

Making Meaningful Connections

Making friends is tough when you enter the workplace, especially when you never got the chance to meet with your coworkers in person. Because of this, it can be difficult for remote workers to feel like they belong and are connected to the company.

In a traditional workspace, conversation happens naturally, but with remote work, it takes a little more effort. Take the extra step to meet your fellow remote workers in a virtual one-on-one to get to know them better and help foster that meaningful connection. Whether it be a casual hello, a shoutout for good work, or starting a conversation, don’t be afraid to speak up in the communication channels you have set up. If allowed, start same-interest group chats, like a music group chat or a movies chat. This will connect you with like-minded people and stimulate fun and more personal conversations.

Along with reaching out to fellow employees, there are also little things that you can do to help create a deeper connection. When possible, have your camera turned on. Seeing a face rather than a still image will create a more personal connection with your teammates. Likewise, participate in video and chat discussions to establish your presence. This will make people more comfortable reaching out to you and allow you to open up to others more. 

Staying Motivated

There are many distractions at home that can make you lose focus and motivation. When working from home, regardless of your position, you become more of your own manager. Since there isn’t anyone watching over your shoulder or coworkers present to keep you motivated, you have to find ways to self-motivate. For some, this may be easy, but for others finding motivation is a difficult task. 

Having a dedicated workspace away from the noise is always a great start. But what’s perhaps more important is having a morning routine. Just like how a nighttime routine gets you ready for bed, a morning routine can give you an energized start to the day and allow you to stay motivated to accomplish your goals. Start your day with food and an energizing beverage. Create daily goals and a schedule to keep you guided while working from home. Rather than working in silence, play music, or, if it’s not too distracting, a podcast. If allowed, put away your phone or have it on do not disturb during the work day. All of this will mitigate common work from home distractions and keep you focused on the task at hand. 

Another way to help you stay motivated is by having virtual study halls with teammates. If you’re the type of person to be motivated by others, hosting virtual study halls is a great way to work alongside your coworkers remotely. As mentioned earlier, remember to take breaks when needed. Try going on a walk to get some fresh air and a clear mind. Energizing breaks like these can be the perfect reset and give you more balance during your work day.

I am reposting this post. The original post had some bad links and I feel that achieving worklife balance in this era of remote working has a huge impact on people’s mental health. Thanks for reading and will be talking with you again soon. David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC