Which part of you wants that?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Self-Exploration

Self-Exploration
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you fighting yourself?

Do you ever feel like there are two parts of you that are arguing about things?  One part of you wants to do something and the other part doesn’t.  Part of you likes your job and wants to stay there and part of you would like to get a new job.  Part of you likes to hang out with friends and part you would just like to stay home and be alone.

Having struggles and conflicts within yourself is a common occurrence.  I’m not talking about severe mental illness or split personality, but just that human quality of being of two minds at the same time.  Sometimes there may be six or seven parts of your mind wanting to take you in a whole variety of directions at once.

Can’t make up your mind?

Having difficulty trying to make up your mind?  Sometimes this is the result of having choices to make and not knowing how each of those choices might turn out.  Wouldn’t it be great if we knew how all of life’s choices were going to end before we make them?

Other times difficulty in making up your mind may be that you simply don’t know what all the choices available to you are.

I’m not talking about Freud’s theory of the conflict between the id that wants to have its own way and be gratified and the super-ego that is responsible and wants to do the right thing.  Most of the time life is not as simple as choosing between the moral thing you should do and the bad thing that you really wanted to do.

Many times you have to choose between two alternatives, both of which have good and bad parts.  Below are some reasons that the emotional parts of you may be having difficulty with their choices.

Life is not yes or no choices.

One reason you may be having a conflict about two choices is that much of life is not simply yes or no choices.  Sometimes you have a whole lot of options, stay on your current job, go look for another job or go back to school to further your education.  Each one of those options come with a range of possible choices.

You have way more parts than you think.

When it comes to these conflicting parts of you, there may be a lot more of those than you think.  Each of us has many roles to play in life and sometimes those roles are in conflict.  You have your role as a partner and your role as a parent. Also, you’re a child of some other parents and on top of that, you’re an employee or boss.  You may have political or religious affiliations also.  Each of these parts if you have conflicting claims, for your time, your money, your energy, and your emotional commitments.

You also have emotional and personality parts of you.  What interests you, what will make you happy, what you feel you should do, what you really want to do, these can all be in conflict.

You may need all those parts of you.

Sometimes you have a part of you that makes you uncomfortable.  Anxiety may be a friend that keeps you from danger.  That anxiety could also be a bully who keeps you from doing things which might make you happy.

Sadness can be a consequence of feeling connected to and in love with other people.  Too much sadness and you become depressed, it immobilizes you.  Not being able to feel sadness results in being numb and you lose your connection with other people.

The trick is keeping your parts in balance.

The difficult part often is keeping all these many parts of you in balance.  Couples are often at risk of getting their life parts out of balance.  Too much time spent on that job interferes with the couplehood.  There can be a tendency to spend all your time and energy on your children.  It’s hard to balance those child-rearing responsibilities with the effort you needed to put into being a couple.  Sometimes you feel like these various parts of you, the roles you have to fulfill, are in conflict.

Each part needs to know its role.

Sometimes parts try to assume a role that’s not theirs.  Anxiety is supposed to protect you from danger but it may get in the way of you doing things that might be fun and enjoyable.  Sadness should tell you that you have lost something.  The part you that wants to achieve should motivate you to do more and better things. Sometimes that achievement part tries to crowd out your relationships with family and friends.

Your parts need to respect each other.

Your many parts, your roles, your skills, your interests, your relationships, all need to work in harmony.  When one part takes over and becomes your sole mode of existence the other parts suffer.  The work part needs to respect your family life part.  The part of you that feels the guilt needs to learn to respect the part of you that needs to grow.

You can’t keep discarding parts of yourself.

It’s tempting to start discarding parts.  You don’t like feeling sad so you try to avoid anything that might involve more risk.  Your fear of losing something prevents you from ever having it.  Some people cut off feelings.  Others may discard memories, skills, and hobbies that they used to love.

Too much healthy food can make you sick.

I thought I should include this warning.  People who have been through difficult times, who think of themselves as being in recovery, are often tempted to binge on healthy activities.  Too much hard work can take away all the pleasures of life.  Be careful that in your effort to improve your life and be healthy, you don’t avoid everything that might be fun and enjoyable or those activities that could be a growth-promoting opportunity.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Affection.

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Sunday Inspiration.   Post By David Joel Miller.

Affection.

Affectionate

Affection.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“Any time is the right time to love someone.”

“You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”

“Love holds things together.”

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

What is Separation Anxiety Disorder (F93.0)?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

What is

What is Separation Anxiety Disorder (F93.0)?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Separation Anxiety Disorder used to be strictly a children’s condition.

In the past Separation Anxiety Disorder was listed in the section of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) under the category of Disorders First Diagnosed in Infancy, Childhood, and Adolescence.  Recently in the reorganization of the DSM, this disorder was moved to the chapter on anxiety disorders.

Increasingly we recognize that there are adults who suffer from Separation Anxiety Disorder.  In children, if they have the symptoms for four weeks or more, that meets the criteria.  But when we see this disorder in adults we expected it to last at least six months.  This is a disorder which may come and go throughout the lifespan.  It is likely to begin after, or to be triggered by, stressful events.

Separation Anxiety Disorder is about a fear of losing the major attachment figure.

In Separation Anxiety Disorder there is a fear of leaving home or being separated from a major attachment figure.  This is very different from people who are simply afraid of going out of the house, being around crowds, or meeting strangers.  In Separation Anxiety Disorder it is the fear of losing that significant person which causes them extreme distress.

This fear is clearly far more than life circumstances would warrant.  People with this disorder need to know where that important person is it all times.  And they may have an excessive need to stay in constant contact with their major attachment figure.  These people may be given to constantly texting, and may become quite upset if they’re communications are not immediately responded to.

You may also fear being taken away.

Separation Anxiety Disorder is also the fear that something will take you away from that major attachment feature.  People with this disorder worry about an illness, kidnapping, or being forcibly taken from a major attachment figure. Some people with this disorder are unable to be in a room by themselves.

Separation Anxiety Disorder can make you refuse to leave home.

The classic example of this is the child who is terrified of leaving their mother to go to kindergarten on the first day of school.  In normal children, if we expect them to get over this fear after a few days.  But in those with Separation Anxiety Disorder that fear continues for long periods of time. We may continue to see this behavior as children get older.  They may have frequent illnesses which keep them at home with their important attachment figure.

Like most other anxiety disorders, Separation Anxiety Disorder typically begins in childhood, but it may well continue throughout adult life.  In diagnosing this disorder the professional looks at the developmental stage of a person to see if what they are going through is appropriate.

Some adults are so afraid of leaving their significant family members that they are unable to venture out into society alone.  They will only be willing to go outside the house, to the store or an appointment, if that major attachment figure accompanies them.

That huge fear of being alone maybe Separation Anxiety Disorder.

An abiding characteristic of Separation Anxiety Disorder is the extreme level of fear of being alone.  Any time this person is separated from their major attachment figure, they become anxious and may even become terrified.

In children, the attachment figure is likely to be their parents or caregiver.  In adulthood people with this disorder are likely to become very anxious when separated from their spouse, partner, or their children.

If that important person is not home, then you can’t sleep.

People with Separation Anxiety Disorder find that they are unable to sleep when the major attachment figure is not in the house.  They may stay up all night on those occasions when that person they’re attached to needs to be gone overnight.

The person with Separation Anxiety Disorder will have a constant need for reassurance.  This need may result in frequent phone calls or other efforts to contact the attachment figure who is not there.  This constant need for reassurance may begin to interfere with their partner’s ability to work.

Separation Anxiety Disorder causes nightmares about being separated.

In this disorder, the content of the nightmare is that the important person will be taken from you or you from them and that you will never ever be able to see them again. These nightmares can be recurrent and play a role in maintaining the other symptoms.

Separation Anxiety Disorder can make you physically ill.

Symptoms of this disorder can look just like a physical illness.  These symptoms may include headaches, inability to eat, nausea, or even vomiting if there’s a chance that you’ll be separated from this major attachment figure in your life.

People with Separation Anxiety Disorder are likely to be described by others as needy and insecure.

There is help for Separation Anxiety Disorder.

While this condition often begins in childhood and may continue well into adulthood, someone with this issue does not have to continue to suffer.  There are treatments available.  If you or someone you love suffers from this condition, consider getting professional help.

More on this and other anxiety disorders see:  Anxiety

FYI These “What is” sometimes “What are” posts are my efforts to explain terms commonly used in Mental Health, Clinical Counseling, Substance Use Disorder Counseling, Psychology, Life Coaching, and related disciplines in a plain language way. Many are based on the new DSM-5, some of the older posts were based on the DSM-IV-TR, both published by the APA. For the more technical versions please consult the DSM or other appropriate references.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to spot a good person.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Helping others

Helping others.
Photo courtesy of pixabay

Are you a good person? Can you spot a good person when you see one?

Do you think you are a good person?

Do you think you are a good person? Most people think they are, but how do others see you? Want to feel better about yourself, work at becoming a better person. “Are you a good person?” is not a yes and no question. Everyone has areas of their life that could be better. These issues could be called “defects of character.” I like to think of these areas as “improvement opportunities.”

Developing goodness is a lifelong task. Some people are too needy to make the effort.  If you want better self-esteem you need to work on becoming a better person. How do you exercise that goodness muscle? By hanging out with good people! Below are some of the ways you might spot a good person. Do you do these things? Do the people in your life have these characteristics?

Good people treat other people well even when there is nothing in it for them.

Make a habit of treating others better than simply the way you would like to be treated. That approach is trading favors mentality. You do for me and I do for you. Truly good people do the right thing because it is the thing. They chose to do good even when there is nothing in it for them.

Good people are not judgmental.

Because someone is different from you does not make them less-than. Good people accept others regardless of their looks, their language, or their past.

Good people still form opinions of others based on what others do, but not because of who others are.

Being non-judgmental does not mean having no standards. Doing whatever you want when it impacts others is not always OK. You should evaluate people by their actions. But that non-judgmental stance includes the belief that people can change and that having made mistakes does not make someone a “bad person.” Even really good people sometimes do bad things and vice versa.

Good people respect other’s property and time. Punctuality.

A truly good person respects and cares about your property as much or more than they care for their own. They do not take things that are not theirs and they ask before borrowing. Just because they need something does not justify their taking what is not theirs.

Good people also respect your time. They consider your time just as valuable as theirs. They are not habitually late. People who feel that other’s time does not matter do not have anyone but themselves in mind.

Good people also do not repeatedly violate your time, possessions, and rights and then try to excuse those transgressions with apologies. Once is an accident but recurring disrespect cannot be made right by continually apologizing for the same action.

Good people genuinely care about others.

For good people, others are something of value regardless of their state or credentials. For the good person other people are not objects to be used to get what they want but individuals who have worth because they are them.

Good people do not restrict their caring and concern to others like them or to those in positions to return the favor.

Good people are positive.

A good person can find the good in any person or situation. They see the potential, not the defects. They motivate others by their leadership not by playing to their fears. Beware of those who instinctively can find the flaws in anyone but themselves.

Good people are helpful.

Good people delight in being of service to others. They do not think only of what is in it for them because they know that being helpful will bring them joy. It is not kindness when you do for others expecting something in return. A good person knows that doing good things is its own reward.

Good people see things from other’s points of view.

Good people are not stuck in needing to be right and to convince others of their point of view. They are willing to see things from other’s perspectives.  They are not dogmatic but open to seeing how it is that others form opinions different from theirs.

Everything is not always about them.

Good people can step outside what is best for themselves and honestly want what is best for others. They can find ways to get their needs met while allowing others to do likewise.

Good people are real. Genuine.

A good person does not have to be fake. They do not need to hide their true selves and do not fear others really getting to know them. They like themselves well enough to be able to be who they are with everyone. Good people do not feel the need to be fake in order to get others to like them because they have mastered the art of liking themselves.

Good people are interested in others.

Curiosity and a desire to understand drive the truly good person. They strive to understand others not to find ways to make themselves superior.

For Good people, communication is a two-way street.

Ever met someone, say hello, and then wait as they talk nonstop about themselves? Can you think of someone who evades every opportunity to share of themselves and seems motivated to “pump” you for info?

People who only talk or those who pry without being willing to reciprocate are both motivated to get more than they receive in a conversation.

For the good person, a conversation is an exchange between equals.

Good people do not always have to be right.

Good people may believe strongly but they can admit when they are wrong. A good person can acknowledge when others were right and can give credit where credit belongs.

Are you “Good people?”

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Appreciation.

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Sunday Inspiration.   Post By David Joel Miller.

Appreciation.

Appreciation

Appreciation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“I’m glad they didn’t build a wall along the Eastern Seaboard to keep my ancestors out.”

 

“In prison, I fell in love with my country. I had loved her before then, but like most young people, my affection was little more than a simple appreciation for the comforts and privileges most Americans enjoyed and took for granted. It wasn’t until I had lost America for a time that I realized how much I loved her. ”

― John McCain, Faith of My Fathers: A Family Memoir

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.”

― Voltaire

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough”

― Oprah Winfrey

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

What is Selective Mutism (F94.0)?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Selective Mutism is the failure to speak at times when speech is necessary.

What is

What is Selective Mutism (F94.0)?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Selective Mutism is an interesting disorder. It is one of the less common anxiety disorders and one which commonly first appears in childhood.  This disorder often co-occurs with Social Anxiety Disorder.  As with all the anxiety disorders, Selective Mutism may continue well into adulthood.

Selective Mutism is not the inability to speak or the willful refusal to speak.  Selective Mutism occurs when someone chooses not to speak in a particular situation even when not speaking may cause them difficult.  Children with this condition will avoid starting a conversation with other children.  When spoken to they will fail to respond.

Selective Mutism gets noticed when children begin to attend school.

Children with Selective Mutism do poorly in school because they do not respond verbally to the teacher and do not read out loud.  Those with this disorder may use other ways of communicating rather than speaking.  Sometimes they will point, grunt, or used personally significant gestures.  They may also be willing to engage in social activities when speech is not required.

Children with Selective Mutism are able to speak normally at home with their parents or primary caregivers.  They may be unwilling to speak in the presence of close relatives including cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents.

Risk factors for Selective Mutism.

Children who are shy are at extra risk to develop this disorder.  Having parents who are withdrawn or growing up in a socially isolated environment may also be risk factors.  It is possible that having overprotective or controlling parents increases this risk.  There’s some evidence that children with this disorder have difficulty understanding the things that are said to them.  Having Social Anxiety Disorder or a family history of it may also increase the risks.

Other problems may accompany Selective Mutism.

People with Selective Mutism also frequently are shy and experience social embarrassment.  They may be isolated and withdrawn.  Children with Selective Mutism may be clingy and become easily upset.  They may also exhibit temper tantrums and oppositional behavior.

Having this disorder early in life and not getting treatment for it puts the child at extra risk for poor development and failure to learn needed social skills.

Things that are excluded from a Selective Mutism diagnosis.

To get this diagnosis, this condition of not speaking even when you need to speak must go on for a month or more.  If the thing keeping you from speaking is the result of not knowing the English language or being bilingual in some way, this is not a case of Selective Mutism.

Also excluded from the definition of Selective Mutism are things related to speech fluency.  If the person involved is experiencing an episode of hearing voices, if being psychotic, or a schizophrenia-like condition, this also is outside the definition of Selective Mutism.

FYI These “What is” sometimes “What are” posts are my efforts to explain terms commonly used in Mental Health, Clinical Counseling, Substance Use Disorder Counseling, Psychology, Life Coaching, and related disciplines in a plain language way. Many are based on the new DSM-5, some of the older posts were based on the DSM-IV-TR, both published by the APA. For the more technical versions please consult the DSM or other appropriate references.

More “What is” posts will be found at What is.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is Genuineness?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Being genuine means being honestly who you are.

To be genuine means to be truthful and to be the real thing.  Genuine people are exactly what they represent themselves to be.  Genuine people are never fake.  What you see is what you get.  Genuine people are never copies or imitations of others.

Being genuine makes your life better.

What is genuine?
Photo courtesy of pixabay

Being genuine can be hard. You have to put yourself out there and risk being disliked. What you may discover is that the opposite of genuine is being fake. People who are fake get found out. If you try too hard to please others, you may end up not even pleasing yourself.  This been a lot written recently about living an authentic life.  An authentic life begins first with getting honest with yourself and becoming a genuine person.

While being genuine can be scary sometimes and you need to be cautious just how much and what parts of yourself you show to whom, people who develop genuineness as a part of their character end up likening themselves a whole lot more. Below are some simple advantages to becoming more genuine.

You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not.

Genuine people stop having to pretend.  If you have ever felt you had to pretend to be something you’re not in order to have people like you, what happened was you probably lost a lot of yourself in the process.

The most important person you have to stop pretending to is yourself.  If in your life you only get honest with one person, that one person needs to be you.  Once you’ve developed that self-honesty it becomes much easier, to be honest with others.

People who don’t like you the way you are, don’t really like you.  Hang out with people like that and what you find is that people who like the fake you are fake friends.  Real friends know the real you can still like you.

You get to say what you mean and people accept it.

Genuine people say what they mean and mean what they say.  Start acting genuine and people either accept you the way you are or they quickly exit your life.  You shouldn’t have to hide your thoughts and feelings from others to win their approval.

Being genuine doesn’t mean that you have to blurt out every criticism that comes to mind.  When you’re genuine your friends don’t have to wonder if what you’re telling them is the truth.  Genuine people are very valued for their honesty.

You get to live your life, not someone else’s.

Genuine people get to live their own authentic lives.  Trying to pretend you’re something you know you are not, results in your living a life someone else wants not the life you want.  Genuine people get to live their lives their way.  When you live a genuine life you do not have to have regrets.

You don’t have to avoid responsibility.

Genuine people take responsibility for what they do.  They understand that it’s OK to try things and fail.  Since they are really being themselves, they can also admit when they are less than perfect.  Being genuine means it’s OK to make mistakes and be less than perfect.

People who are afraid to be genuine, the fake person kind, spend a great deal of time hiding their mistakes.  When you live in a genuine way, it is easier to live up to your responsibilities.

It is easier to accept compliments.

Phony people have trouble accepting compliments.  Genuine people have no difficulty in accepting compliments when they have done something well.  Genuine, authentic people are able to accept praise for things done well because they are also able to give themselves that credit.

You can recognize and compliment others. No need for jealousy.

Since genuine people accept themselves exactly as they are, they can give others the space to be themselves.  There’s no need for a genuine person to be jealous. Complementing someone else doesn’t diminish you when you feel good about yourself. Genuine people find it easy to recognize when others have done something well and are able to compliment them on it.

You become more secure.

People who live a genuine, authentic life get to lose the insecurities.  The more genuine you are the more secure you can be because you accept yourself just the way you are.  Genuineness breeds security.  Since you are not trying to be fake, you don’t have to hide parts of yourself and you don’t worry about being found out.

You are not threatened by others successes.

People who are genuinely themselves are not in a competition with others to be something they are not.  And they can be fully themselves and still allow others to be who they are.  Genuine people can feel honestly good about other people’s successes.  Genuine people get to enjoy watching their friends and colleagues achieve great things.

You can admit when you are wrong.

Genuine people can admit when they are wrong.  There is no need to cover up or hide any of their imperfections.

You don’t worry about being a fraud. Your words and actions match.

Dishonest people are always afraid of being found out, they believe they are frauds.  When you live a genuine life you don’t have to worry about being found out.  Genuine people allow their words to match their actions and their actions to match their words.

You don’t need stuff to feel good about yourself.

Genuine people feel good about themselves and don’t need to accumulate a lot of stuff in order to validate themselves.  If you’re living the life you genuinely want, there’s no need to keep up with these Joneses.  Genuine people buy things because they want them not because they need to pretend.

How genuine a life are you living?

Now might be a great time to take another look at your life and see if your living the kind of life you really want.  Can you see how being genuine can have advantages for your mental health?  Work on being genuine and honest with yourself and see if you don’t feel a whole lot better about who you are.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Too hard on yourself?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Low Self-esteem

Low Self-esteem.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Being kind to yourself is hard to do.

Are you harder on yourself than other people are?  Do you find it difficult to be nice to yourself?  Some people think that the way to make themselves a better person is to push themselves unmercifully.  If you’re one of those people who has difficulty being kind to yourself, you may be beating yourself up again and again.  There’s no evidence that beating yourself up is a way to motivate yourself to do better.  Continued harsh self-criticism can lead to depression and giving up.  How many of these self-critical habits do you have?

14 Ways you are beating yourself up again.

1. Can’t ever forgive your mistakes.

Everyone makes mistakes.  Making mistakes is required for humans to learn.  If all you do is keep track of the score, this list of mistakes you made can lead to discouragement.  Learning to forgive your mistakes and move on is part of being a healthy, happy, human.

2. Nothing you do is ever good enough.

If you have come to believe that nothing you do is ever good enough, you are undermining your own life.  Being constantly negative about yourself lowers your self-esteem and your ability to accomplish anything in the future.

3. Criticism hurts like a deep wound.

If you allow criticism, yours or others, to live on after it is first given, you create deep wounds.  If you continue to hold on to criticism you’ve taken on the role of abuser.  Stop the self-abuse, accept yourself as you are, and move on.

4. You can’t accept compliments.

Not being able to accept compliments sets you up for poor self-esteem.  If you find it difficult to accept compliments take a look at why.  Declining compliments is not a form of modesty.  Learn to accept people’s compliments whether you can understand them or not.  When you get a compliment, rather than saying that was no big deal, learn to just say thank you.

5. You are constantly hoping for other’s approval.

People who constantly need other’s approval become dependent on that outside source of acceptance.  Learn to give yourself approval for things well done and to accept when they are less than well done.  The person whose approval should really matter to you is yourself.

6. You are afraid to let others see your flaws.

Not being able to let others see your flaws keeps people at a distance.  In close, honest, relationships you should feel comfortable enough to let other people see you as you really are.  If you feel you need to hide your flaws, take a look at the people around you and at yourself.  Good friends will accept you the way you are.  Feeling good about yourself begins with you excepting yourself the way you are.

7. You punish yourself before others can.

If you find that you are routinely punishing yourself for mistakes, you are being far too hard on yourself.  Punishment is only one-half of discipline.  Too much punishment becomes abuse.  Stop beating yourself up and learn to take care of yourself.

8. You need to fix everyone else. You are responsible for making them happy.

Your feelings are your feelings.  Other people’s feelings are their feelings.  You can try all you want but you can’t make somebody else feel happy.  If you find that you are constantly trying to fix everyone else, you are taking on responsibility for things that are not your job.  Allow other people to be responsible for their feelings.  Take responsibility for how you feel.

9. You try to be perfect so one flaw is a failure.

One very unhelpful thought is that you need to be perfect.  This all or nothing, black and white type thinking can be very damaging to your mental health.  Work on becoming more realistic.  No one is ever perfect.  Requiring yourself to make no mistakes is an unrealistic and impossible goal.  Take credit for the things you do well and correctly.  Accept that sometimes you make mistakes and move on.

10. You expect more from yourself than you expect from others.

If you consistently expect more from yourself than you expect from others, you have an unrealistic view of both yourself and them.  Learn to cut yourself some slack.  Accept that other people can do things also.  Stop trying to take responsibility for things that are out of your control.

11. You apologize even when it is not your fault.

A sure sign of being far too hard on yourself it is the need to apologize even when you are not at fault.  Apologize when you have a reason to apologize.  Do not apologize for things that are out of your control or other people’s errors.

12. You can’t ever accept help – even when you really need it.

The inability to accept help is another way in which many people are far too hard on themselves.  Learn to help others when they need it and accept help when you are in need.

13. You are afraid of disappointing anyone ever.

How others feel is their responsibility.  Sometimes you have to make choices.  You can’t do everything for everybody without completely giving away yourself.  Doing good self-care and keeping your life in balance means sometimes people will be disappointed.  Let them learn to deal with disappointment.

14. Your life is filled with regrets.

If you did it, then it wasn’t good enough, and if you didn’t do it, you should have. Every life has some requests.  Keep yours to a minimum.  You did what you did, and didn’t do what you didn’t do.  Accept what happened.  Your life, good and bad, has made you who you are.  Stop holding onto the regrets and move on.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Adventure

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Sunday Inspiration.   Post By David Joel Miller.

Adventure

Finding Adventure

Adventure.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”

― Eleanor Roosevelt

“The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.”

― Oprah Winfrey

“No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you.  Today seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) F94.1?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

What is

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) F94.1?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

Reactive Attachment Disorder begins early in life.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is one of those disorders which was moved in the DSM-5.

It used to be included in the chapter on Disorders First Diagnosed in Infancy, Childhood, and Adolescence.

RAD now appears in the chapter on Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is the result of deficiencies in early life care.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is an internalizing disorder. A related disorder called Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder involves externalizing behaviors.  Both conditions are thought to be caused by poor caregiving early in life. RAD involves a consistent pattern of shutting down, withdrawing, and inhibiting emotions. This disorder starts before age five and is rarely given after that age.

While this is a diagnosis primarily applied to very young children, in working with adults we often see conditions that probably began as Reactive Attachment Disorder.  A common statement is that they “just don’t get close to others.” This condition involves an inability to regulate emotion and unexplained anger, both issues we frequently see in adults who came from dysfunctional homes.

With children, we usually know that the symptoms are caused by neglect and poor parenting.  With adults, similar symptoms show up as depression, chronic sadness, anxiety disorders, or even personality disorders.  Our understanding of reactive attachment disorder is pretty much an all or nothing condition.  I can’t help wonder about the effects which varying degrees of neglect or failure to meet the child’s emotional needs might be causing.

Reactive Attachment Disorder involves a consistent behavioral pattern.

Most of the Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders are related to anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorders and are fear-based. Reactive Attachment Disorder is about shutting down and internalizing. In Reactive Attachment Disorder, there is chronic sadness, depression, and loss of pleasure.  There may also be accompanying anger, aggression, and dissociation. This involves a lot of withdrawal and inhibited emotion.

Reactive Attachment Disorder involves social and emotional problems.

Children with RAD are unresponsive to others.  They’re rarely happy or positive.  RAD involves frequent irritation, sadness and sometimes being afraid. Children with this disorder often react to adult caregivers in a negative way for no apparent reason. These patterns of poor relationships with adults continue even when caregivers change.

In adults, we see similar patterns with those people who get diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder.  They often say they do not ever remember being happy.  What we often don’t know is if this person really had deficient care as a child or if they had a temperament which makes them difficult to parent.  Sick, or irritable temperamental children are harder to parent and more likely to be abused or neglected.

Extremely deficient care results in Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Characteristics of this less-than-adequate care include emotional needs not being met, frequent changes in caregivers, and being raised in impersonal institutionalize settings.  Mostly this deficient care results in poor relationships with caregivers and other adults, but it may also affect peer relationships.

Sometimes other things look like Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Sometimes children with Autism or developmental delays exhibit symptoms that can look like Reactive Attachment Disorder. In young children, it is important to be sure the problems were caused by poor caregiving.  In adults, we see behaviors that we suspect began as Reactive Attachment Disorder, but without a prior diagnosis, we can’t be sure. RAD may affect many other developmental areas.

Some cautions.

As with the other things we are calling a mental illness this RAD needs to interfere with the ability to work, or in children, go to school, relationships, or other enjoyable activities or cause personal distress. Otherwise, there may be issues, but the diagnoses will not be given. If the only time this happens is when someone is under the influence of drugs or medicines or because of some other physical or medical problem these problems would need to be more than the situation otherwise warrants. These other issues may need treating first, then if there are still symptoms, the diagnosis will be given.

Treatment for Reactive Attachment Disorder.

For children, getting into a situation with a caring, responsible, caregiver, can make all the difference.  For adults with problems now, which may or may not be the result of early childhood experiences, there are several therapies which may be helpful.

It is imperative that children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder get treatment early to prevent lifelong difficulties.  Adults who struggle with emotional difficulties may find that they still have early childhood issues that need to be addressed before their adult problems will resolve.

FYI These “What is” sometimes “What are” posts are my efforts to explain terms commonly used in Mental Health, Clinical Counseling, Substance Use Disorder Counseling, Psychology, Life Coaching, and related disciplines in a plain language way. Many are based on the new DSM-5; some of the older posts were based on the DSM-IV-TR, both published by the APA. For the more technical versions please consult the DSM or other appropriate references.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel