Sunday Inspiration Post By David Joel Miller.
Joy is:
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
“Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness.”
― Pearl S. Buck
Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Sunday seemed like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Bad Communication.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
For good or bad some people have little or no difficulty saying what is on their mind. Others find it next to impossible to speak up even when they have something really important to say. Not expressing yourself can impair your relationships, both personal and professional.
The inability to speak up can be the result of a number of things you have been telling yourself. It is often a case of low self-esteem or it can be a sign of a more serious anxiety disorder. Try the corrective tips below. If after you try these things you are still struggling with speaking up consider working with a counselor to reduce your anxiety and improve your self-confidence.
What are some of the common reasons people hesitate to say what they are thinking and how can you overcome these issues? How many of these excuses do you use to keep from saying your piece?
It pays to be sure you have your facts straight. Telling yourself this too much inhibits your ability to communicate with others. Unfortunately, people never have every possible fact. Sometimes you need to form an opinion based on the information you have. You also will have times when you need to express your preferences and feelings. There is no such thing as the “correct” way to feel or think. Some preferences may make your life easier but your preferences are, after all, your desires. If you don’t express them you make it unlikely that your wishes will be taken into consideration.
Do you have a running commentary going on in your head? One that questions your judgment, tells you to stay silent because you could be wrong? Negative self-talk can lower your self-esteem and reduce your ability to take action. Tell those runaway thoughts to stop running away with your self-esteem.
Early in life, many people fell into the habit of calling themselves “stupid” or “dumb.” You may have developed this habit because others called you names or this may have arisen because you felt embarrassed about making mistakes. Repeatedly calling yourself names results in your brain trying to make these things come true. This self-created commandment “though shalt not express your thought” gets to be the default setting in your brain.
Positive affirmations can help alter this mental conversation. Tell yourself that your thoughts matter. “I have the right to express my feelings.’ Look for positive affirmations that improve your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Thought-stopping can also be used to get those unhelpful thoughts to leave your head. When your child does something that you do not want them to do we quickly tell them to “stop that.” Learn to tell that voice in your head, the one you are creating through your negative self-talk, to be silent and see what happens.
People who only like you when you agree with them are pretty shallow. Mature relationships leave plenty of room for two people to disagree and still be friends. People who matter will like you for you. If you start speaking up in an assertive not aggressive way, you will find that others will respect you and want to hear what you have to say.
If your life is full of people who are only your friends if you agree with them, take another look at how healthy these friendships are. Some people, family, in particular, you may need to just accept that is the way they are and leave it at that. Other people are not worth you’re being fake to yourself to be liked by them.
You are an important person, just like every other person. You will never know what kind of valuable contribution to a conversation you might make until you make it. Those people in your life should want to hear what you have to say. Some of those closest to you have been waiting for you to express yourself. Close friends and partners may have been wondering why you were not willing to share what you thought with them.
Become a part of the conversation and see how much closer and more connected you will become.
Avoiding conflict by not being and not feeling is no way to be. You won’t avoid conflict by not expressing yourself you will just hide it. How would others know what you wanted and liked if you fail to express it?
Unexpressed differences of opinion keep people from connecting on deeply personal levels. Let others know how you feel and who you are deep down on that essential level. The way to resolve conflicts is to get them out in the open, work through them, and find solutions that work for all involved.
Some people will reject you if they don’t like the things you have to say. Are those people really worth the effort if you need to be a fake person to be around them? People who matter, the kind you would want for friends and intimate partners are unlikely to reject you because of what you say.
Test this out. Start by expressing small things, what you like, and where you want to go. See how others respond to you. You may well discover that others in your life will appreciate this new, more communicative person you are becoming.
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Grades.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
If you have struggled in school you may have concluded that getting good grades was beyond your reach. Today more than ever education is important. A two-year college degree today qualifies you for jobs that once only required an 8th-grade education. Whether this is your first go-around or you are returning to school after many years knowing the secrets of the “A” students can make the road easier.
During sleep, memory is consolidated. Want to be able to find that fact you studied during the exam? Make sure you show up for the exam well-rested. Pulling an “all-nighter” just before the final exam will not make up for all the study time you should have put in beforehand. Study early and often and avoid the last-minute rush.
Life happens. There are all kinds of things to do and distractions that can keep you up late. The most productive people in life and the best students in school budget some hours for sleep and show up rested and ready to take the test.
One study reported that “D” students drank twice as much alcohol as “A” students. The more you party, the more you abuse drugs and alcohol the less energy you have for study and school.
Alcohol is the granddaddy of grade killers but he has a junior cousin that has been messing up student’s grades recently. Marijuana may seem all good, some people even think it has medicinal properties. Getting good grades is not one of the benefits of lighting that joint up.
Smoking Marijuana scrambles the information going into your brain if you smoke when studying. Smoking before the test scrambles the information as you try to retrieve it. Smoke both times and you start marking test answers that would never make sense if you were clean. Marijuana, specifically THC the active ingredient, stays in your bloodstream a lot longer than other drugs. So Marijuana’s memory altering effects can last long after your last smoke.
Some people do not see the benefit of the class they are taking. They think they can just show up for the final and that will get them by. You may be able to pass the test that way, but I wouldn’t bet on it.
I am surprised at the students who pay tuition, sometimes lots of it, and then skip class. This is like buying a ticket for the concert and then showing up for the last encore. You may think you are such a great athlete you can skip practice and still play in the big game. But in the academic game if you are not there for the practice you will not know the moves to pick the right test answer.
The more often you go to class the better your chances of absorbing the answer you will need for the test.
There is a reason that classes require books and it is usually not because the bookstore needs to make money on them. The things that the instructor thinks are important are probably in the book. If there are things that are important and not in the book, guess what, the teacher will tell you those things in class. You got the last point on going to class right?
I see students recording the lecture on their communicator devices. If you are an auditory learner this may help. But think for a moment, you were in class and heard it once already, right? Will, you really re-listen to all those recordings?
Technology is nice. I see people taking pictures of the PowerPoint slides. For visual learners this may help also. So will typing the notes out on your laptop. I do not recommend texting your notes. The test will not be given in text language.
What is very helpful for many students is to take notes the old fashion way. This is not because the old way is necessarily the best way. I am a big fan of indoor plumbing and running water. What actually does work though is to write out the notes during class.
Writing notes helps keep you on track and concentrating. I tend to think that one reason we have more attention problems these days is that people are sitting still more and moving less. Writing the notes out helps store the information in the part of the brain that controls those movements. Any surprise, you will need to write them out for the test. You may picture the slide you saved from the PowerPoint but you will need to write down the things you saw. Try practicing writing and see if your grades and your memory don’t improve.
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Communication.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Are your actions destroying communication between you and the important people in your life? When things are going wrong between people the way we respond to these conflicts either opens up the communication or it can kill the relationship. You may be responding to communication conflicts by doing exactly the things that destroy what little communication has been going on.
Do you wish you had better communication with the important people in your life? Whether it is with a partner, your family, or the people at work, communication destroying behaviors will make your life more difficult. These communication destroyers come up repeatedly in couples counseling. Once you adopt these ways of handling conflicts they can carry over into the rest of your life and damage all your relationships.
Here are some ways that you may be damaging communication with the important people in your life.
Repeatedly leaving when communication is difficult damages or even destroys the ability to communicate. For effective communication, you need to keep working on things even when they are difficult or uncomfortable. Running away from conflict may seem the easy way out at the time but progressively the communication deteriorates.
Communication avoiders may leave physically, walk down the hall, head for the other room, or even leave the place altogether. Some people avoid the hard conversations by checking out mentally. They stop listening altogether.
If one of you finds that you are becoming overheated or triggered, you may need to call a timeout and take a break from this conversation. Be careful that repeated timeouts do not become a way of avoiding conflicts. When taking a timeout be sure to let the other person know that you will return later to finish this conversation. Try to plan a mutually agreed upon time-out signal beforehand.
When people get angry, hurt, or resentful it makes sense to them in the moment to cut off communication with the person they see as the cause of their pain. Eventually, this builds walls and leaves you isolated. Cutting off communication does not make the relationship less painful, it leaves you living in pain all alone.
When the conflicts arise, emotionally healthy people, find ways to work through their conflicts and hurts without walling themselves off from others. Work on making this wall removal part of your relationship maintenance. If you lack the skills to take down walls or to solve problems without the walls, consider working with a professional counselor to develop more open and congruent communication.
The saying that a good offense is the best defense does not work in relationships. You can’t prevent pain and hurt by hurting your partner, friends, or family. In the moment pulling out all the faults of the other person to rub their nose in them may seem like a way to win the disagreement.
This initial reaction, to try to protect yourself by inflicting pain, is unproductive in a close intimate relationship. In other settings, work and friendships, this behavior may cost you the friend or even the job.
When in the heat of battle, do you go for the jugular? Trying to inflict the maximum of pain on your adversaries makes little sense if you ever hope to get close and intimate with that person again. Hurts are cumulative. Add enough of them and the relationship fails.
Being able to absorb some emotional pain and still stay focused on what you see as good in your relationship is a skill that will make your relationship whether a severe storm.
If you have left a trail of wrecked relationships, with friends, family, co-workers, and lovers, take a look at the way you communicate. Have you inflicted a lot of needless pain in an effort to even the score for the pain others have caused you? Has that two-person pain made you happier?
Are you the one who goes along with your partner in the moment and says nothing all the while accumulating your resentments for use at a later date? We call this human characteristic “gunny sacking” a process of holding on to resentments, tucking them away in a gunny sack, and then let the least little thing go wrong and you will dump the whole list of past grievances on the other person.
Gunny sacking is a common practice in couples but it extends to all manner of other relationships. In friendships and work environments this accumulation of grievances can poison the place you spend your time and leave you the sicker for it.
Have you been practicing these communications killers? If so it may be time to decide to work on your relationships. Have that talk with your partner, family, friends, or important others in your life. See if you can improve the communication between you two. It may be time to seek the services of a professional counselor, couples, or marriage therapist.
Communication improvement can be best done when the two people with the conflict can sit in the room and work together on the issues. But if you can’t get them to counseling the counselor can still help you change the way you communicate and the result will be that the other person will need to change in response.
Are you ready to improve your communication?
You can find more posts about Relationships and Couples therapy at:
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
Sunday Inspiration Post By David Joel Miller.
Me being me
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
“Whatever you are, be a good one.” ― Abraham Lincoln
Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Sunday seems like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Unhappy relationship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
How you and your partner handle the times when one of you makes a mistake will make all the difference in how your relationship fares.
Partner mistakes come in all sizes and varieties from the serious to the trivial.
What you think of as terrible another person may not even notice.
If you planned a special dinner and your partner is late getting home from work, this will have a different impact on you than them. If you were expecting them to take out the garbage or perform another household chore and they were expecting to do this later, you can end up with a resentment over something they still plan on doing.
Couple’s problems that are the result of differences in expectations often result from one or both partners not verbalizing what they expect the other partner to “just know.” This belief, that your partner should know things without being told, is called “mind-reading” and creates a lot of couple’s conflict as do differences in expectations about who does what chores and when.
Having these discussions about what you expect and when is a first step in improving your couple’s communication. The second step is getting clear on what comes after your partner fails to meet your expectations.
Think about what you want your partner to do if they made a mistake. Then ask yourself if that response will make your relationship better or worse. If your partner does not know what you are looking for they will be unlikely to hit on the correct response by accident. Some of the possibilities below fall under the heading of “repair efforts” other fall into the category of behaviors that damage relationships beyond repair.
If your partner has done or not done something and as a result, you are feeling hurt, is your first response to make them suffer? People who try to fix their own hurt by striking back at their partner may believe this is evening the score but the usual result is to add more pain and resentments to the space between you.
When you are hurt and suffering and then make your partner suffer to get even, your relationship suffers the most.
In couples counseling, we hear one partner request of the other that they “just admit you did it.” This rarely solves the problem. It may be the first step, but once they admit they were late, forgot the appointment or another misdeed, what should they do next?
If this is what you request, consider whether this will be sufficient, or will you need to continue to remind them of how much it hurt you? If once they admit their mistake you still feel less than whole what else is required?
Are you looking for an apology or will more than a sorry be required? Repeated apologies about the same thing don’t cut it. Eventually, you two will need to do some communicating to resolve where the problem lies.
For some people apologizing is saying the words, for others, it is taking action to change things. Be clear what form of apology you will require and communicate this to your partner.
Some couples practice a sort of “restitution” for things undone or done wrongly. What would make it up to you? Have you communicated this clearly to your partner? Do they agree with you?
Do you want them to brainstorm and come up with a suggestion on what they could do to make it up to you? Or do you feel you should be the one to ask for some other behavior from your partner that would make you feel compensated for having your expectations not met?
Knowing your partner understands and empathizes is just the thing for some people. Other people do not care if you “get their feelings” and want action. Couples that communicate well can discuss with each other what will work for them.
Are you someone for whom physical affection will make it right? If so an exhibition of psychical affection can go a long way to repair the damage done when your partner lets you down. Knowing they love you or that they love you anyway solves lots of problems.
Are there other ways that your partner may make you feel especially loved? I find that Chapman’s – The Five Love Languages is a good starting point for couples to have the conversation about what makes them feel loved.
If your partner has done something that let you down, disappointed you, or that you feel was flat wrong, what are you expecting them to do next?
You can find more posts about Relationships and Couples therapy at:
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Dreams and Nightmares
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Sleep and the dreams that inhabit the sleep-land can help us make sense of life experiences or they can magnify those fears and impact your awake life. One theory about nightmares is that normal dreams make sense of things and reduce fears but nightmares are a failure of that fear reduction system. This idea is often expressed in some rather technical language but let me try to make it clear using a story to illustrate the possibility that dreams can help you make sense of the world.
People tend to remember nightmares where the experience becomes so intense it wakes you up. Occasionally you have a “bad dream” which does not wake you up but was so disturbing that you remember it upon awakening. Most of us have occasionally had a “good dream” and remembered the wonderful place or person we experienced in the dreamland. The more good dreams you have the more likely you are to forget them. Bad dreams and nightmares, in particular, you tend to remember.
Nightmares usually feature fear, anxiety, and trauma but many other themes are possible. One theory about dreams is a “continuity” theory. You tend to dream about things in your sleep that you think about when awake. School students dream more about tests, creative people may dream about creative outcomes. Love, friendship, or happy times may take place in a dream. Some writers have described those positive dreams as “wish fulfillment.” Which dreams get remembered? That would be the ones with strong emotional content, mostly which are the negative emotion dreams.
Let’s look at how a dream might help make sense of an experience and reduce fear. Say you are in a minor auto accident. There is some damage to your car’s fender. You handle what you need to while awake, but you can’t stop thinking about that accident and when you go to bed it is still on your mind. Thinking about that accident may even make it hard to get to sleep but eventually, you do fall off and then you dream. Your dream is likely to feature some elements of the accident.
The dream pulls up your experience and begins looking at all the parts of the memory. It remembers the car you were in, the people you were with, and the garage your car went to for repairs. Your dream may also include the medical attention you received and the things you thought about during the accident.
Your brain now takes the experience apart and begins to file the information away for future use. The friends in the car get filed under friends. The garage gets filled under fixing things and so on.
So you dream about your day and your car accident again. Only this time your brain pulls us different bits and pieces to make a new experience. You are driving along and this time your doctor and your chiropractor are in the car. You are going to meet your friends at the garage. When you get there you, not the car, get repaired. You get new clothing and a haircut. While waiting for the car you eat lunch in the waiting room only now they are serving you a gourmet meal at your favorite restaurant and you look out the window you are looking at the ocean and the beach. When you get up to go from lunch your mechanic is in the car and you drive through a bank drive-up where they fill up your lap with money.
Your dream has now helped you use the recent event to see ways to have happy experiences with friends, get things fixed, and secure the money you need to pay for those repairs. None of this is very scary, right? By disassembling experiences and saving facts your brain catalogs your experiences for future use. At least this is the way this particular theory sees dreaming.
The majority of people exposed to traumatic events do not develop a stress or trauma-related disorder. Those who have some trauma immediately after the event often find the trauma and the dreams about the event go away over time. Your distress may fade over a few days. It may hang on for a while and become Acute Stress Disorder which usually dissipates in a month. But some people do not get better. They develop long-term mental problems. Their experience may result in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and last for years. Why?
Some dreams are so connected together by the negative emotional content they are too painful for the brain to disassemble. In these asleep experiences, the sharp painful edges of the experience are so tied together by the fear or other negative emotions that they will not disassemble. These whole dreams cause a sort of “sleep indigestion” and result in the dreamer waking up often screaming or in intense fear. Panic like symptoms may occur.
Technically it is a nightmare if it wakes you up and a “bad dream” if you do not awaken but just have memories of the dream that are distressing when you awaken. Hopefully, you got that this explanation of dreams and how some dreams become nightmares is not scientifically exact but a simplified story to try to illustrate complex neurochemical processes.
Eventually, most nightmares can be reduced or eliminated with good treatment. I would like to think we will find treatments for them all eventually. How hard it is to treat your particular nightmare problem partially depends on the nature of the nightmares and the nature of the trauma.
Imaginary happenings, contaminated memories from video media respond quite well to treatment. Nightmares in children are often very treatable. Some real, trauma-based, nightmares fade on their own. Treatments for entrenched nightmares have had mixed results.
From my reading on this topic, it appears that if you have multiple nightmares about several experiences they may be more readily treated than those people who have a single horrific experience that recurs in their nightmare. There are also differences in results in treating childhood abuse versus adult abuse and trauma. Military type trauma is especially resistant to treatment sometimes.
Currently, there are several treatments that are showing promise. More on that in an upcoming post. Treating entrenched nightmares is something that requires you to be an active participant if the process is to work. Treating nightmares is not something you can do alone. If you or someone you know has recurrent or frequent nightmares, look for professional help.
You might want to take a look at other posts on:
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
Me keeps changing
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Sunday Inspiration Post By David Joel Miller.
“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Sunday seems like a good time to do this. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you please share them.
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Sleepy Child.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Children who have sleep disorders try to avoid the problems these disorders cause. If you have nightmares the bed and sleep land are not friendly places. Night Terrors get noticed by most parents because the child makes noise and wakes you up but other sleep issues may go unnoticed until the child begins acting up at bedtime.
Below are some of the behavioral changes that occur in children and occasionally in adults that indicate the problems may be related to a sleep disorder.
When we anticipate something bad happening most of us will put it off as long as possible. Children who experience bad dreams or nightmares will try to avoid the bed and sleep. One way to do this is to draw out the pre-bed routine as much as possible.
If you find your child is avoiding bed with a passion, look for things in the environment. Are adults still up and having fun? But if the whole house is quiet and still your child is finding ways to avoid getting into bed ask them about their sleep and about what happens in that sleep.
Bad dreams and nightmares are not something that children should have to endure. Expecting them to just “grow out of it” is not a good plan. Some children never do outgrow nightmares. Poor and disrupted sleep can result in many emotional problems.
Long rituals are about what you tell yourself. All those things you need to do before you can sleep. Bedtime resistance is about what you tell or do to others. If the child resists bed like they might resist the doctor’s office then ask yourself why the bed and sleep land is traumatic rather than a friend.
Try making bedtime a positive thing, read a story, say a prayer, whatever fits for your family. If, despite your efforts to reassure your child there is still resistance, try to not dismiss this as bad behavior. Explore with your child what happens when they try to fall asleep and what happens when they dream. If there are problems consider some professional help before the problem becomes serious.
When dreamland is full of nightmares you will avoid it. If delaying bedtime does not work many folks will lie awake. Worry about the future, rumination, and anxiety disorders result in not being able to fall asleep.
In another post, I talked about the problems with Insomnia Disorder.
Insomnia is a very real physical and mental disorder. It is treatable and the treatment does not have to be restricted to medication.
Once through the bedtime routine and into bed, there are a host of ways that children can avoid sleep. The result of this avoidance can show up in poor behavior, impaired attention, or emotional regulation issues the next day.
Today electronic avoidance is becoming all too common. Some children’s bedrooms have more electronic equipment than the store. Spending all night playing games, chatting on social media, and generally staying stimulated has its consequences the next day. Over time this sleep avoidant behavior adds up.
If your child starts the day off in a bad mood and you do not know why look for poor sleep habits or a sleep disorder.
People with nightmare disorder, night terrors, or just plain old bad dreams will start telling themselves that the solution is to just not sleep. Younger children may not be verbalizing these thoughts but if they are having them some exploration of the reasons can help your child move from struggling with a sleep disorder to a child who routinely gets a restful night’s sleep.
If your child avoids bed or sleep do not automatically jump to a severe conclusion. Poor sleep does not mean your child has experienced abuse or trauma. There are plenty of other reasons they may be having bedtime issues.
If your child is avoiding bed and sleep explore the issue and get help as needed. If it is an adult that is resisting sleep you need help now. Untreated sleep issues undermine your physical and mental health.
You might want to take a look at other posts on:
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Path to a better relationship.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com
Couple’s relationships start off headed in the direction of bliss and somehow, for so many, they end up in the pit of suffering. How did your relationship get so far off track? If you’re not sure you may need to take a look at the Relationship Destroyers and see how many of these you are practicing. But regardless of how your relationship got off track, are you ready and willing to take some steps to get headed in the right direction again?
It is easy to slip into blaming your partner, while blame may feel good in the moment it won’t change anything. If you are thinking you want to see some changes, consider what changes you want to see and how willing are you to do the work to get this relationship headed in the right direction.
Think of relationships like moving a couch. Really hard for one person to move it very far or fast. But two people together can get the job done. So if you feel like your partner has put their end of the relationship couch down you may need to pick yours up first to help them get willing to make some moves again.
Here are five paths you could consider that may lead to a better relationship.
Spend time together if you want to be together. When you first became a couple the two of you spent every moment possible together. Then along the way life happened. You get busy with jobs, children, and all kinds of outside commitments. Eventually, you had to reestablish your separate life. You had to start doing more and more things without your partner around. Eventually, you look up and wonder if you two have any interest in spending time together.
For couples to stay close they need to invest some of that precious time in the relationship.
Initially, the goal of couples is mostly just being together. Most couples never think about what they want from the relationship beyond the together part. Time goes by and then what happens? You start to wonder now that you are together why aren’t things perfect? Children often happen so does work, family, and other commitments, and the goal of being a couple may get forgotten.
You wonder about those dreams and values you had before the couple thing came into your life. Are you two on the same page now? What is important? Religious values, or money, and things? If you didn’t explore your goals and values during the early stages now is the time to do it. Now is always the time.
Have that talk about where you see your life going. Do you see yourself being together as old retired people? Or are you only staying together or the sake of the children? How would you know if this was a good relationship? Does that mean the same thing to both of you?
Shared goals and values is a pathway to a good relationship.
What are you willing to change about yourself and this relationship to make this work? Do you know any happy couples? What do they do that you are not doing? Is this relationship worth putting some work into? Would any relationship? Before you jump to the conclusion that you need to end this relationship and look for someone new think about what brought you and your partner together in the first place. Are you willing to try again with the partner you have already invested so much time and emotion with?
For many couples the reason things are not going well is because of the unfinished business of childhood, that baggage you are still carrying. How much baggage do you have? Are you willing to work on you to make this relationship successful? Or do you still expect your partner to supply all the missing parts for your emotional life? No partner will be able to always meet your needs. You need to learn how to meet those yourself and then see how together you can create something that is better than either of you would be separately.
What will you do or give up to have this relationship? The highest prices we pay in life are the things we buy with time and sacrifices, not the things that cost us money. Can you accept that you are wrong some of the time? Are you willing to go along with things your partner wants to do even when they make you uncomfortable?
Many people discover that the things they enjoyed about their partner when they were dating scare them after they become a couple. Does that exciting person now seem irresponsible? Does that confident person now seem controlling?
Try being more accepting and open to new experiences the way you two were when you first started out together and see if that is not a path back to that relationship you once had. Just know that no one gets back to exactly where they began that relationship, what you want is to find that happy place you once were at, only a little farther down the road of life. Plan on growing together.
Those are some ideas for new directions you might take your relationship as a way to make it better. Have you found any other ways to create the relationship you want?
For more on this topic see:
Staying connected with David Joel Miller
Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!
My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.
Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.
Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.
As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.
Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.
Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.
Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.
Planned Accidents The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.
Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.
What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?
Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.
For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller
Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.
For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel
counselorssoapbox 