Youth Mental Health First Aid – ALGEE imposter

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Counselorssoapbox.com

Really? Do I look that much like ALGEE?

By David Joel Miller.

Algee Look Alike

Algee Look-Alike

Just back from a Youth Mental Health First Aid Training. One of the other trainers took this picture and tried to assert that somehow I look like a relative of ALGEE. Really? Do I look that much like a koala bear?

For those of you not familiar with Algee or Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) let me catch you up.

Mental Health First Aid is this cool program that started in Australia and is now available in America. It is sponsored by the National Council for Community Behavioral Healthcare.

MHFA

MHFA

The goal of the program is to teach as many people as possible to recognize when someone is having a mental health problem. You can also learn some skills to be helpful and to get this person the help they need.

The program is not designed for professionals; after all, by the time someone gets to us, we already know they have problems. MHFA is designed to be used just like Medical First Aid in being helpful when there are no professionals around or until you can get help for the person experiencing mental health issues.

The training runs 8 information-packed hours and is conducted by certified trainers all over America and in many other countries as well. I have been an MHFA trainer in the Adult course for a number of years.

Youth Mental Health First Aid is not meant to be a training for young people but rather a course for adults who work with young people. The goal is to help adults who work with or around young people to better recognize and respond to emerging problems in the hope that early detection and assistance efforts may help prevent some mental health issues and may help to reduce the severity of others.

The Mental Health First Aid website has a list of certified trainers and scheduled upcoming trainings. Check there for possible trainings in your area. You are also welcome to contact me about trainings, I may be doing in the future.

While Algee and I may have some superficial resemblances I do not believe that we are in any way related. We are however both interested in helping to reduce the stigma around mental illness and to help people to cope with all of life’s problems.

How about you? Are you interested in becoming a Mental Health First Aider?

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Winter Blues (SAD) Prevention and Treatment

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Winter

Winter.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Treatments for Winter Blues.

For some people, the Winter Blues is a mild transitory issue. You miss someone who is not there or you wish something were other than it is. But for some people, this becomes a severe emotional problem.

The Winter Blues sometimes is called Seasonal Affective Disorder or more precisely it is Major Depressive Disorder with seasonal features, a diagnosable mental illness.

There are a handful of treatments and the one that is right for you should be chosen in consultation with your doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist. Each treatment has its advantages and its limitations.

Light therapy for seasonal affective disorder.

One group of theories about winter blues has its cause as a reduction in the amount of sunlight that occurs during the winter. More light, so the thought goes, and you should be less depressed. The cause could be just the amount of light but it can also be changes in the way your body reacts to the light level so some people are way more sensitive to changes in light levels, light intensity, and the amount of sleep they get.

Just leaving on a few lights in the early morning or evening may help a few people but most light therapy involves special lights of high intensity which are close in color and intensity to normal daylight.

The drawbacks to light therapy, above and beyond the cost of special lights, are that to be effective you may need to devote a lot of time on a very regular basis to sitting in these lights. Most often this is done first thing in the morning.

If this works for you, and remember it does not work for everyone, the results will fade in 3 to 5 days if you stop sitting under the lights. Once you start light therapy plan on continuing it until the winter season is over.

Medication seasonal depression.

Some people react well and quickly to antidepressants. Not everyone gets the same benefits from the same meds. You need to work with your doctor on this and start early, take the meds as prescribed and keep them up until any chance of a relapse of your depression is passed.

Therapy can reduce seasonal depression.

People with seasonal features to their depression, Winter Blues, in particular, are prone to the same sort of thinking errors that people with other kinds of depression experience. Therapy to correct negative or unhelpful thinking can reduce Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Self-care reduces the impact of seasonal affective disorder.

More exercise, better diet, and being around a positive support system can help you avoid or reduce the symptoms of the Winter Blues. Relapse from this condition, like recovery from most issues, requires a program of relapse prevention that includes management of internal triggers like sleep, hunger, and emotions as well as management of your contact with outside things such as people and places. Work on staying healthy and being around healthy supportive people.

Combination Therapy

Any or all of the treatments above can be combined. Medication is most often combined with therapy and self-care. Having a strong support system is especially important if you experience Winter Blues.

If you are sad, down, or depressed this Holiday season, whether it is because of Winter Blues or some other reason, please take good care of yourself and reach out for help when you need it.

For more about SAD and the risk factors involved take a look at the post

Sad – Risk factors. 

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Winter Blues (SAD) Risk Factors

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Winter

Winter.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Winter Blues are a troublesome, recurrent form of Major Depressive Disorder.

Every year a select group of people seems to get a recurrent episode of Depression. These symptoms can start as early as age three or four and result in serious impairment. People do poorly in school; lose jobs and relationships as a result of having this disorder.

The major occurrences of this disorder are in the winter months. A few people get recurrent episodes of depression every summer, fewer yet have spring or fall recurrences of depression. The winter version of this disorder is particularly problematic.

We have a large number of theories about why this occurs and what the risk factors are for this disorder but so far treatments and prevention efforts are more hit and miss.

If you have had episodes of Winter Blues you know the havoc it can play with your life.

Technically Winter Blues are diagnosed as a variation of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD.) The specifier of seasonal features is added on to the principle diagnosis of MDD.

Winter Blues is characterized by what is called “atypical” features. The easiest way to describe this is that the person begins to hibernate like an animal preparing for a long winter.

As winter approaches the person with Winter Blues begins to sleep more and more. They increase their food consumption and begin to put on weight. Carbohydrate Cravings are likely to become pronounced. The person with Winter Blues is also likely to avoid others and begin to isolate.

Case studies tell us of a child who became so very different during the winter that for a time they thought this might be a developmental delay. His speech became difficult to understand and he appeared to stop learning. He was tested for autism and retardation.

Then for no apparent reason, he began to function more normally as spring approached. Over subsequent years he regressed each winter and then “bloomed” again as spring returned. One early theory was that he was getting sick in the winter, a common occurrence for a child. But in the year he was sick in the summer and had fewer illnesses the following winter he still improved in ability over the summer and relapsed in the winter. Eventually, at about age 6, this child was diagnosed with a significant form of depression that grew worse each year.

Another woman came for treatment one winter and reported that she was about to lose her job from poor job performance. She had repeatedly over the years done well each summer and received promotions, but in the winters she made mistakes, was disciplined and eventually at risk of losing her job. She was treated for MDD with seasonal features and responded well.

Risk factors for Seasonal Affective Disorder.

The amount of daylight affects mood.

The farther north you live the fewer the hours of daylight in winter. Less light triggers the hibernation response. Some people have it more difficult than others.

Genetics can increase your winter blues risk.

This has been suggested as a factor. It has been a long time since I read much on genetics. If this interests you, I recommend you look it up and not take my fuzzy understanding as the whole story. Here is what one study seems to say.

Variations in the 5-HTTLPR have been suggested as being a risk factor. Some people have long versions and some people have short versions of this gene. Some people inherit two short genes and other people have two long. One of each is also possible. People with two short genes are at extra risk for winter blues, people with two longs are more likely to have a melancholy form of depression.

Eye color may be connected to seasonal affective disorder.

People with blue eyes get more use out of the light. People with brown eyes have more difficulty in Northern latitudes in the winter.

Thinking errors increase all kinds of depression.

People who experience episodes of seasonal affective disorder are more likely to ruminate, assign negative meanings to things, and look for the negative.

Whatever the risk factor or the reason someone has recurrent episodes of depression with those seasonal features each winter, the good news is that there are treatments for this form of depression, just as there are treatments for most other mental and emotional disorders.

If you find yourself getting depressed as the winter progresses you do not have to just suffer through it. Please reach out for help.

Coming up soon a post on treatment and prevention of the winter blues.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Questions and comments – let me get back to you on that

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By David Joel Miller, Licensed Therapist, and Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

You have questions – you left comments.

Sorry about not getting to answer all those great questions. You, readers, have sent in a number of comments and questions, some on one site and some on another.  All those comments and questions deserve a decent response. I am finding that this time of year with finals, a three-day training, preparing for the next semester, and the general hecticness of the season, there has just not been time to get back to all of you as I had wished.

So I hope you will keep reading the posts as they are scheduled to appear and know that I will get back to your questions and comments as soon as I possibly can.

You should know that most of the posts on counselorssoapbox.com are written ahead of time and then scheduled to appear at a later date.

There have been lots of new developments in therapyland and in recoveryland also. I have been reading some new research and the way we see substance abuse, mental illness and recovery are all about to change.

Over the next year, I want to talk about all of these items and give the questions and comments the replies they deserve.

Here are just some of the things that remain on my to-write-about list.

1.  How treatment and recovery might apply to children and adolescents. Over my time working in the recovery field I have seen a lot of youngsters that need and deserve help. Working with adults I see issues that are clearly the result of childhood mental illness or substance abuse that went untreated.

2. The role of the internet and modern technology in mental health and recovery. I see both harms and help from these new technologies. We should talk about what might be helpful in treating and preventing emotional and substance abuse issues and what internet features may be promoting recovery.

3. The changing role and status of LPCC’s in delivering mental health and substance abuse treatment in California.

4. Affairs: This is not a new topic but it is a large, possibly the largest, reason couples come to see me in private practice. People have strong feelings about this. With more than half of all marriages ending in divorce and more than half of all people reporting they have had affairs we need to look at this issue and how you might recover from an affair – yours or your partners.

5. New developments in brain science. The last year has resulted in some intriguing new knowledge of the brain and how it works. This research has suggested some new ways that mental and emotional illnesses, as well as substance use disorders, can be treated. Not all of this new knowledge points to using more medication to treat problems. Research continues to point to the value of talk therapies in treating emotional issues.  While I am neither a medical doctor nor a researcher, as a counselor, therapist, and writer, I find these developments worth commenting on.

6. The major role of stress, adjustment, and dissociation in emotional problems. PTSD, complex trauma, and a host of other problems have received less attention than they require. We need to talk more about how stress affects people, how to manage stress, and how to heal from past stressful experiences.

One goal for the counselorssoapbox.com blog this year was to write and post 350 new articles. With those already scheduled to appear before the year-end, it is clear that we will reach this goal. This will bring the total of articles posted on counselorssoapbox.com to over 700 posts.

This coming year looks to be a busy one. I will be teaching more classes than last year, doing more trainings, and plan to get back to work on that book or books. Readers have asked questions about, change, recovery, resiliency, and how to create a happy life, which needs much longer discussions than a blog post. The books in progress will be a way to offer my views on those topics.

Thanks to all the readers, new and longtime, of counselorssoapbox.com.  Keep those questions and comments coming; it encourages me to keep writing.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

8 Ways to make the holiday emotionally safe

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Fall scene

Happy Holidays

Plan now to safeguard yourself in recovery.

The holidays can be stressful times. Recovery, from anxiety, trauma, alcohol or drugs is a precious thing and it takes a lot of work to reach for a recovered life. Keep your recovery and yourself safe this Holiday season by using these tips.

It is easy to get caught up in the “shoulds” and the “musts” and forget to look for the things that will be most helpful to you and your recovery.

Here are some helpful hints for getting through this time of year with your recovery unscathed.

1. Practice saying NO!

There can be a lot of pressure to do and say things that are not good for you. Work on setting healthy boundaries. Tell people no if they try to get you to do things that may be stressful and bad for your recovery.

Learn to tell yourself no also. There is always the temptation to overdo, run about too much, visit too many places, and try to do too much to make this a perfect holiday. Nothing will make the holidays perfect if your recovery unravels.

2. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

Even happy times can be stressful. This is especially true if you are recovering from depression, anxiety, or substance abuse. Do not let the good times wear you out and leave you vulnerable to relapse into your particular issue.

Happiness is not a sprint to get to the cookie jar first. A happy life is a long journey of relaxed enjoyment. Trying to put too much pleasure on your plate one day may leave you unable to do the things that might make you happy the next and beyond.

3. Avoid people and places that would undermine your recovery.

Some family is not healthy. Just because they are relatives does not mean you owe it to them to put yourself at risk. Avoid family members who may undermine your mental health. Take a supportive person with you if you will encounter negative people and be prepared to cut your visit short if the stress gets to you or you begin to be overtired.

4. Take exceptional care of yourself.

Get plenty of sleep. Lack of sleep one night can set up the downward spiral that will result in being too emotional wrung out to get up the next day. Overtired can lead to using substances to try to keep going. Cut your sleep short and you are setting yourself up for a relapse.

Drink plenty of water. This reduces the effects of other unhealthy exposures. Being very thirsty sets problem drinkers up to drink alcohol and places people with mental illnesses at risk to drink more than they planned.

Eat healthy food. Avoid excess sugar and take in those calories in moderation. It is a whole lot easier to pass up a few unhealthy treats than it will be to get back in shape in the New Year.

5. Make getting better job one.

Nothing is more important than your recovery. If you have started practices that are furthering your recovery do not put them aside over the holiday season.

Go to the gym, do your journaling, call supportive people. Keep up with your spiritual practice. Prayer and meditation are not tools that should be kept in the drawer this time of year. If you practice mindfulness and meditation make this a do first action.

6. Go for the safe choice first.

Avoid doing things that you “might” be able to handle. Avoid things that are risky and go always for the safe choice first.

Alcoholics should not drop by the bar just to say hi. Do not call people you know will be upsetting.

7. Reach out for help.

Call your support system. If you are a member of a particular fellowship make sure meetings are on your to-do list. Attend religious services if you find this supportive of your recovery.

Every recovering person needs a list of people who are supportive. Make those calls to other recovering people. Sometimes you will find that they needed to hear from you even more than you need to talk with them.

8. Do not push yourself.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. Do not overdo. Do not pile more and more on your plate and expect to get through the holiday season with your recovery intact.

Taking good care of yourself is not being selfish. Be the kind of friend you need. Be your own best friend.

Which of these things do you plan to do? What other techniques have you found that help keeps you safe and in recovery over the holidays?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

9 ways to tame the emotional storm in your house

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Can't stop fighting?

Trapped in conflict?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

If you live in an emotional storm there are ways of creating safety.

Does your home life feel like a Middle East battlefield? You dread going home or your family members returning home because the next emotional storm is about to hit. Another emotional typhoon is on the way and you are standing directly in its path. How will you survive one more day in this situation?

There are ways to weather the storm, bring peace to the battlefield in your home, and begin to clean up all the wreckage of the past. This does not mean you need to lie down and play the victim. You need to take charge as much as possible of your life and learn the skills to make peace in your house.

The conflicts may be between you and your partner, the children, or the extended family and friends. Whatever the relationship try applying one or more of these techniques to settle things down and repair damaged relationships.

1. A soft answer turns away wrath – de-escalation.

Most of us have learned to match insult for insult, threat for threat. Being right may make the situation worse. Learn to let some things go to not answer every word-bomb lobbed in your direction.

Develop the skills to calm things down not escalate them. Professionals learn that if you go nose-to-nose toe-to-toe and get in someone’s face the situation is headed for an explosion. Soft words, calm slow tones, and a willingness to calm things down rather than try to force the other person to back down will get you to a much safer place.

Yelling matches usually result in actions or permanent emotional ruptures.

2. Take a timeout.

When people get worked up pushing through to try to “resolve this once and for all” can cause results you do not want.

People who are overwrought may do and say things they will regret later.

3. Look for the good in those around you.

If you look for bad actions and bad motives you will see them, even when they did not exist before. Look for what is good about that person and this will help you get through the times of conflict.

4. Take responsibility for how you feel.

Other people do not make us angry or sad. What they say may be things we did not want to hear. But we have the choice of letting them upset us or letting things go as just part of the heat of the moment.

Do not take the bait and turn a disagreement into World War Three. Children are good at “getting your goat.” And making the resulting explosion all your fault. If you lose your temper you also lose all around.

5. Communications means listening.

In couples counseling, one exercise we use is to get one person to explain their view of the problem and then the other person to try to explain what their partner is saying.

Most people get this wrong.

When the other person is talking most of us are thinking of what they want to say when they finish.  You may be thinking of explanations for what you did and said or arguments to prove you are right.

What happens frequently is that what you are arguing about is not what the other person said. You may have heard the words but in the process, if you missed the feelings behind the words. You are talking about way different things.

Listen to understand and the argument may melt away as you hear that your partner is scared or worried not that they are resisting you.

6. Pick your battles.

This is especially important with children. They will start to argue about everything. Some people think that if they give in on the small things that mean that they are losing ground. Not necessarily. Save your strength for the things that matter rather than trying to control every aspect of the other person’s life and actions.

When you fight with your kids over everything you lose their attention. It all seems like you are disagreeing with them just to be controlling. Eventually, they will wear you down.

Yes, you need some standards and some rules. Pick them wisely.

7. Avoid drugs and alcohol as ways to cope with feelings.

Many of the couples that come for counseling spend a lot of time on what they are arguing about and report that some weeks they get along fine and other weeks they fight a lot. What they fail to connect is the times they are fighting more, they are often drinking or drugging more.

Using alcohol because you are angry is not likely to reduce your anger. Alcohol just reduces your inhibitions and results in more and worse fights.

If you live with a substance abuser, when they are under the influence is not the time to have this out. Lots of Chemically dependent people will provoke fights so they can blame you when they go drink or get high.

You probably need professional help in dealing with this.

The worst thing you can do is join in the substance abuse.

8. They were that way when you meet them – acceptance is the key.

Couples get together and they accept just everything about their new partner. Then a year or so later, right after the first child is born they commence to fighting about every little thing. The things that were so cute when you were dating are now major annoyances.

Try to accept that the person in your life – that is just the way they are. You can ask for them to do or not do things, but do not try to change the person they are. Not in the short run anyway. Failure to accept the person for who they are will eventually ruin the relationship.

Is this issue really so severe that you would prefer to end the relationship rather than accept it?

9. Pick a partner and you pick a set of problems.

When things are going badly in relationships we often think that changing partners or throwing the child out will end the problem. It rarely does.

After that change, we get to feeling alone and we let someone else into our life. Guess what? They come with a new set of problems we hadn’t counted on.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Reactive Attachment Disorder is now a Trauma and Stressor-Related Disorder

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Words about PTSD

Stress and Trauma. 
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Reactive Attainment is related to Stress and Trauma but how?

We know children can be affected by reactive attachments but now we are wondering if it might underlie some problems of adults. We know what happens to you growing up can shape and affect you for the rest of your life, how much might reactive attachment disorder be contributing to adult mental health issues?

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) used to be a problem relegated to a special section on childhood issues; it has been moved to the Stress and Trauma section of the new DSM-5. Two things to consider – the way in which this childhood problem may be affecting adults and how might this be another case of how much is it affecting adults rather than a simple yes or no question.

Reactive Attachment is a serious problem for very young children as any Child Protective services worker will tell you. We have a fairly good idea of what causes it and some methods of treating it but the long-term consequences seem to get lost when the child reaches the school years and beyond.

Working with adults I see some of these characteristics from time to time. I do not want to minimize the problem in children nor do I think every adult problem should get blamed on childhood experiences. Just the same there are these tendencies we see in adults and I can’t help wondering how many of those adult problems had their roots in childhood experiences.

First the 7 criteria for Reactive Attachment Disorder (very roughly paraphrased from the DSM-5) and along the way some thoughts on how other adult issues may be like this one and may be different from RAD. For the full, precise set of characteristics and diagnostic criteria see the DSM-5.

1. The child is always or almost always is inhibited and withdrawn. They do not go to adults for comfort and when the adult tries they do not appear to be comforted.

2. Low or no social interaction with others, and does not look happy or like they are enjoying themselves. Lots of sadness, irritability, and fear for no good reason.

3. The child has been neglected and did not get their needs met by adults in their life. Parents could not or did not meet the child’s needs or the child moved from caregiver to caregiver so much no pattern of care got off the ground. Group settings with too few adults per child can also cause this.

4. We think the lack of care caused the problem. (This can be the tricky one as we may not know what this person’s care was like way back when.)

5. This is not Autism or something like autism (The DSM lists ways to tell these apart.)

6. This started before age 5.

7. The child is developmentally at least 9 months old.

Now if you got all that you should have a picture of what this neglected (maybe also abused) child might look like. This kid could be a very difficult child to raise. The just sit there and look at you.

Most kids we expect to be cute. Give them a toy to play with and they smile. Hug them and they hug you back. Not the child with RAD. This kid cries for no reason and does not stop when you hold them. They never smile and they are always irritable. They jump at the slightest sound and then refuse your touch when you try to comfort them. Getting the picture?

Now the criteria wants us to see and know all this before 5 years and know that the neglect (or abuse) caused this.

What would this child look like in ten or twenty years as they grow up and for some reason first appear in the mental health system?

What might these symptoms look like if it was not an all or nothing situation? Say the parents worked all the time and the child had to fend for themselves. They moved around a lot and had no friends or close family members?

As this person ages, they might live in various group homes. The caregiver would keep changing. They would develop trust issues. They might believe that you can’t rely on others because they will leave you.

In the teen years, this child might, still angry, irritable, anxious, act out, and get in trouble. These would be the children that blow foster home placements or move from group home to group home. Even if they lived with some family member, grandma or aunt, they would never really get close to that person and eventually, they would “hook up with” a member of the opposite sex and have some more little ones.

Not able to feel cared for they might not be able to care for their own children and they might abuse or neglect the next generation.

While Reactive attachment is an extreme case I think by now you might see how low caregiver contact, abuse, neglect, or frequent changes in living situations could produce some of these characteristics to a greater or lesser degree as the child grows to adulthood.

Not knowing or feeling loved is at the core of these problems.

We may well have been underestimating the effects of lifespan issues in our evaluation of adult mental and emotional issues.

People can and do recover from almost all forms of mental and emotional disorders, but recovery from Reactive Attachment Disorder is a difficult process.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Is life freaking you out? Can’t calm down?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Stress person

Stress.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

What do you do when life overwhelms you?

Ever have someone tell you to – “Just calm down?” Some people seem to be born with that skill but others of us once overwhelmed find it easy to get worked up and upset and a whole lot harder to calm down afterward.

Adults have a habit of telling children to feel this way or that. This approach, invalidating the child’s feelings, will cause problems later. If you were told to feel a certain way or told you had no right to feel as you did, you may have learned the lesson that feelings were bad. Suppressing feelings can cause you to ignore valuable information coming from that part of the nervous system.

Learning to listen to your emotions is a valuable skill. Unfortunately sometimes our emotions start yelling in their “outside voice” and will not shut up long enough to let us think. At that point, you need to be able to control those feelings. Note that controlling is not the same thing as ignoring, as any parent of young children will probably learn.

What is left out in this instruction, “calm down, stop getting upset” and so on, is how you get yourself to feel other than what you feel.

We call this skill of being able to change your feelings to match the situation “Emotional regulation.”

Many of us learned fear; anger and other negative emotions by watching the adults around us act them out. We may have learned happiness and love that way also. What was usually missing is how you get from full emotional turmoil to calm again.

Regulating your emotions, calming yourself down, is a skill that can be learned.

One post on emotional regulation will not make you an expert in this. It takes learning the skill, practicing the skill, and then over-learning the skill until rather than something you have to think about this emotional regulation is something you do automatically.

Here is a quick summary of things that may help to reduce the emotional intensity of negative feelings or to prevent them in the first place.

1. Use thought-stopping to reduce negativity.

When that thought that provokes your anger or anxiety first occurs find ways to interrupt that thought. Think of other things instead. Having a “happy place” or affirming memory can be a great help here.

2. Question this unhelpful thought.

What is the belief behind the thought? Challenge that belief. No one is “always” a certain way. There are many other ways to alter your thoughts and beliefs and the result is a change in your feelings.

 3. Tell yourself things that you find reassuring or grounding.

For people who are easily overwhelmed by negative emotions getting out of the movie playing in your head and back to the current moment can be very helpful. Start with the simple things. Therapists refer to these as “orientations.” Ask and answer some right here and now questions. Things like; Who are you? (Your name, not the meaning of your life.)  Where are you? What are you doing now? Who are the others around you?

Try to avoid taking detours down those “mean streets” in your head. Forget trying to “not think about things.” (See the post Don’t think about Elephants.)

Keep bringing yourself back to reality.

There are literally hundreds of ways to turn down the level of emotions and get yourself back to a safe mental place. These techniques need to be practiced beforehand otherwise while running in panic, you will never remember what you were going to do.

Watch counselorssoapbox.com for more posts on ways to regulate your emotions. You might want to subscribe to the blog if you find these posts helpful.

P. S. Stay tuned for info on the book I am working on. More on that in the posts to come.

Have you found ways to calm yourself down and regulate your emotions? Care to share?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What kind of person are you? Can people really change?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are people just that way or can they change?

There are certain things about you and about others around you that are just the way people are. There are other things that change with time, with the situation, and with who you decide to be. The trick is to know what about you is just you and what things are possible to change.

There is a world of difference between being an “angry person” and being angry right now.

Some people think that they are always angry, sad, and so on and this provides a rationale for not trying to change. It also can be an excuse for bad behavior.

Someone in your life gets angry, says or does hurtful things, and then later says “that is just the way I am, you know I get angry a lot, deal with it.” It is hard to take that over the long haul. Being always full of negative emotions drives others away.

You may have said that yourself about certain characteristics you see in yourself or others see in you. But is this true or is change possible?

Spoiler alert – I believe people can and do change. They recover from what others have done to them and from what they have done. That change is often not easy and changing may have a price.

One way of understanding this is that who you are and who you can become is the difference between states and traits.

A trait is presumably a stable characteristic.

This can apply to outside characteristics like hair and eye color and to inside qualities like anger or kindness. True you can dye your hair or wear contacts to change your eye color. These efforts to change yourself do not change the underlying you. Some people might say that these efforts fall under the heading of deception or telling lies.

These underlying qualities may change as you get older. One way of explaining this is called gene expression. So the gene that gave someone Black hair in their twenties may give them gray hair in their eighties. Emotional expressions that worked for you at 9 months old will probably not work so well at 90.

Are some people born with particular emotional temperaments? Could you just be born blue-eyed and sad, or brown-eyed and angry? If you were just born that way could you learn to control or regulate those feelings? (CBT therapy and neuroplasticity research tells us this is way more doable than we used to think.)

People are not born with only one feeling. So even the irritable baby who cries a lot sometimes smiles. Angry people have episodes when they are not angry or at least less angry. (Watch for a future post on Reactive Attachment Disorder which talks about the challenges of learning new ways of feeling if you did not learn them at an early age.)

What is causing those feelings to change as situations change?

It is possible for something to “cause” or “trigger” an emotional state. One question that I ask in counseling is “What makes you happy?” And then – “What makes you sad.” Some people can quickly give me lists.

People who say nothing makes me happy, that is a red flag they may have depression.

Research has shown us that the brain continues to grow and create new connections throughout the lifespan. If you learned to be sad or anxious very early in life you can learn new ways of feeling.

Granted if you learn one language as a child and then at eighty try to learn another it is much more difficult but the good part is that no matter what age most people can still learn new information.

Learning to regulate your emotions and to move from an angry state to a calm one is possible if you chose to learn this skill. In fact, you can learn to not get angry in the first place. This does not mean you let people walk all over you and just bite your tongue. You can learn other skills to reduce the causes of your anger also.

If your life is full of anger, anxiety, or sadness you can learn skills to reduce the impact of those feelings on you and to create a new happy life. The cost of this? Some effort on your part and the need to stop making others responsible for how you feel.

To change your emotional life you need to take charge and get to work on new emotional skills. More in upcoming posts on this topic.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Change

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Changing your life

Time for a life change?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Ready for the changes?

Today is Sunday. For much of the world, Sunday is the first day of the week. December is well underway. Before long the year will come to an end and a new year will begin. Many people will take a look at their lives and their situation and decide the time for a change is coming soon.

When the New Year arrives there will be a time for making resolutions and setting goals but now as the year 2013 comes into its final phase it would behoove us all to look at ourselves and our lives and to look at the things we need to bring to an end.

Before there is room in your life for new things you may well find that you have to bring some old things to an end.

What things do you need to let go of before you can find the room for a better life in the year to come?

What would your life look like if as this year comes to a close you finally began the process of change?

What exactly is this elusive thing we all say we want but that escapes from our grasp so often?

What is change?

Change:

Become or make different

Substitute something else for or replace with something else

Pass or move from one state to another

Remove one thing (as in clothing) and put on another

Exchange one thing for another

Vary a routine

A fresh set of something

A transition from one thing or state to another

To become altered, undergo a transformation, or be partly or wholly altered

Definitions adapted from Encarta and The Century Dictionary 1889.

Some thoughts about change from Goodreads;

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

― Apple Inc.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

― Rumi

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

― Leo Tolstoy

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.”

― Nelson Mandela

“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself; I am large — I contain multitudes.”

― Walt Whitman

“We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers – but never blame yourself. It’s never your fault. But it’s always your fault, because if you wanted to change you’re the one who has got to change.”

― Katharine Hepburn, Me: Stories of My Life

Are you preparing for the changes that will come in the New Year?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel