How can you tell if a therapist is Christian or non-/Christian?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Religious cemetery.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Christian or Non-Christian?

When this question turned up in the search terms for my blog I had to think about this subject for a while.

It seems like a simple question, but it is not. After a lot of mulling this over, I concluded there might be four reasons the person was typing this into a search engine. If I knew what country it came from that might help, but then maybe not. Here are my thoughts for what they are worth.

Today in America a large number, possibly the majority of people, describe themselves as “Spiritual, not Religious.” When asked for religious preference, my experience has been that the majority of people here in my area will say “Christian” despite having no particular denomination in mind and not having attended services in a long time.

So what might this searcher have in mind by asking this particular question? I thought of four possibilities and they are below.

Remember in the course of this discussion, that counselors are professionals and they want to earn a living. They may prefer to work with a particular population, but most can and do work with people of all faiths. It would be considered unethical to engage a client in counseling and then move from helping them with their problems to trying to convert them to your particular faith. But sometimes that does happen.

So why would you ask about the counselor’s religion?

1. You want a counselor that shared your religious values.

If this is the case I think the question might need to be more specific. Many counselors include in their advertising that they are or practice “Christian Counseling.” Some additionally will advertise that they specialize in working with a particular denomination.

I have seen therapists include in their ads that they work with those of a particular faith, say Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons, or from a Fundamentalist Christian perspective.

If this is your concern, I suggest that you begin your first contact with the therapist by telling them you are a member of the “X” denomination and that you would like to find a counselor who has the same beliefs as you.

Most are likely to tell you that they work with clients of all faiths and that they see nothing in their approach that should conflict with your spiritual values. If you still feel the need for a counselor of a particular faith, say so and they should be willing to make a referral.

2. You are  “Spiritual” and do not want a counselor who needs to convert you.

In this case, avoid counselors who list in their ads a particular faith and tell them upfront that being pressured in a religious way makes you uncomfortable. Can they deal with that? If they say that they believe that your problems would all be solved if you just attended their church, mosque, temple, or whatever, move on.

3. You are of a non-Christian faith and are concerned about discrimination.

Counselors have a duty to maintain confidentiality. It is not just an ethical duty but a legal one also. You would think that they would all rigorously avoid talking about clients outside the session. I wish I could tell you that no counselor ever does this. Unfortunately, some do reveal the client’s secrets.

Every semester when I teach some student comes up after class to ask me about confidentiality. Way too often they have a story to tell about how they or someone they know went to see a counselor and then what they said got out.

So if you are a member of a non-Christian faith, ask other members of your faith who they have seen and see if there is someone who is open to working with you rather than focusing on changing your religious views. This also applies if you consider yourself Christian but your particular denomination has some different beliefs or practices that others might label “a cult.”

There was a time when counselors, especially those of particular religions tried to convert every Gay person to become a heterosexual. That has largely passed, there are openly Gay therapists and there are plenty of straight counselors who work with Gay clients without trying to change them.

I think there are lots of counselors who are willing to work with clients of any and all religions.

4. You are looking to find non-Christian counselors to warn others not to see them.

This reason for me is the most dangerous. I remember a time when there was a belief that no one would vote for or do business with a Catholic because they were “Popest’s.” I think we are largely past this issue since the election of President Kennedy. I do not think we are yet past this when it comes to some other religions.

The ability to find people of another religion and then discriminate against them because of their faith is one long-enduring feature of humans.

I think this last reason to want to know, the desire to punish those of another faith, was what prompted this particular search term use. The original form of the search was how can you tell when a therapist is non-Christian.

But then maybe I am just extra suspicious having been raised in a Sunday School where we were taught that our version of Baptist was the only true Christians and that those Southern Baptists had been led astray by the devil into false beliefs. But then what do I know?

The relationship between your religion, the counselor’s religion, and the needs of both of you to talk about religion or not talk, as a part of therapy, is just one more factor that influences the relationship between you and your therapist. And counseling is all about the relationship.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

m.

Motivational March

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Motivation.

Motivation.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Getting yourself and others motivated.

Motivation is a major concern for many of us. How to get motivated, how to stay motivated, and how do you really translate motivation into results.

Whether you have a diagnosed mental illness, a substance abuse issue, or just want to have a more effective and fulfilling life the role of motivation is an important one.

We spent January tidying up some issues related to happiness, what it is, and how you get more. We have also spent some time on ways to take a good look at yourself and your situation and make some decisions about where you are and where you are going.

A list of some of the major posts on getting to know yourself and self-inventory can be found at, Taking stock of yourself.

During February we talked about the role of feelings in your life. There are times feelings can be beneficial even when at the time having to feel them is uncomfortable. We also looked at Alexithymia, that inability to know what you are feeling and to name the feeling.

A list of some of the Feelings February posts can be found at List of Feelings Posts. 

While the major theme this month has been motivation there were some detours as certain mental health issues require addressing. More on motivation and becoming the person you want to be will appear during future posts.

Here is hoping Motivation March was helpful and as always your comments on how you experience these topics are welcome. Please keep your comments on topic and positive. Particularly negative comments may not be approved or may be deleted.

Some past posts on Motivation are listed below.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Learning to say NO

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Tree with just say no

Just say no.

No should be easy to say.

No should be the easiest word in the English language for all of us to say. Look at any three-year-old and you will see them saying NO repeatedly all day long. Their parents are good at saying this and other negative things also.

So with all this practice from our earliest years in saying the word NO you would think that adults would have no problem saying NO to each other – but they do. Saying no to unwanted things can improve your mental health and happiness.

There are good reasons we need to work on and practice the ability to say NO.

1. Some people expect to be told no.

In functional families, people are able to say no some of the time. Realistic people expect to be told no. So if you get in the habit of always saying yes, people in your life may be surprised to find that you have been doing things you never wanted to do.

You have the right to say No to a great many things in life. Outside the legal and moral things we expect people to do, most things are open to people choosing for themselves what to include and what to exclude from their life.

The opportunity to say NO is one of those fundamental freedoms we all should be able to practice.

2. We have to teach others how to treat us.

For some people, it is all about them and they will keep going until you say no. Some of them will not take NO for an answer even when you say NO. They have to be taught that you mean NO when you say NO.

You will encounter some people in life who are not familiar with the word NO. They do not seem to have heard it much growing up and it comes as a surprise to them that others might not be on this earth to serve them.

Many people will ask you for things or to do things in the course of your life. Giving into everything they all ask of you results in your living other people’s lives and never having one of your own.

3. Standing up for our boundaries.

People without boundaries end up with a whole lot of other people’s garbage dumped on them. In all of our relationships, it is important to establish boundaries between us and others. There is you and there is me. I do not have to agree with you on everything for us to get along.

People who insist you do, think, and say what they want, are into controlling others. Without good boundaries, you will find you are living their life not yours.

People who do not understand when you say NO are not real friends. Lovers who try to remake you to fit their needs and wants have only themselves in their hearts.

Family members may find it difficult to accept your NO’s. They get used to you doing for them or going along with what they want.

4. Setting an example for our children.

The only way children learn appropriate behavior is to be taught. Parents get the first crack at teaching those lessons. If you don’t teach your kids the meaning of the word No they can grow up to be selfish adults who have conflict-filled lives.

You do not spoil children by giving them too much praise or love. They get spoiled by not learning right and wrong and the values of self-control.

That should not be an argument to treat children as slaves, bent to your will. Your job as a parent, like it or not, is to help them grow up into healthy adults who can have a happy life without you. Do that and they just might want you in their lives after they are grown.

We don’t always get what we want in life and there is value to learning that others can say no to us. But your kids also need to know that they have that right too, some of the time anyway. If they never saw you draw a line and protect your boundaries then they may grow up to be like you.

Many children who grew up in dysfunctional homes create another unhealthy home. If they see you unable to say no they may become a person who can’t say NO or they may become a person who forces others to agree with them. Either of those lifestyles will cause them a lot of unhappiness.

The word NO, like every other word in the language, has times it needs to be used, and times we should not use it. Have you practiced the proper use of the word NO?

Use your NO word in healthy ways.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

4 Reasons counselors don’t say they like you

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling and therapy

Counseling.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does my counselor like me? Why won’t they say they like me?

Counselors are reluctant to tell clients they like them and for some very good reasons. Most of the time I do like the clients I work with, but there are lots of reasons I don’t say so.

1. We want the client to learn to like themselves.

Many clients report they have “low self-esteem.” As often as I hear that expression you would think it was a specific diagnosis. It isn’t.

One reason for this low self-esteem problem is that too often all of us are looking to outside things to establish our self-esteem. If you need someone, anyone, to tell you that they like you, then your self-worth is dependent on doing and saying things so they will like you. This is a risky place to be.

I do not tell the client I like them. Most of the time I do not encourage them to even worry about what other people think about them. There is a huge danger in basing your self-worth on ratings or other’s opinions.

It is worthwhile to watch and see how you are affecting others. We call this self-monitoring. If lots of people are getting irritated with you, then you may need to take a look at yourself and see what you might improve. What you do not need to do is base your self-worth on what they think. Improve what you can and accept the parts of you that you can’t change.

What I do tell a client is that I think they are worthwhile people. They are the unique them just like everyone else on earth is a unique person. They do not need to do or be anything to be worthwhile. What they need to do is to do those things that will make them happy and that they can be proud of. If they do estimable things they can feel good about themselves regardless of what others think about them.

2. Counselors should not foster dependency.

Counseling is a helping relationship. It is not helping when someone else does everything for you. Rather than doing for clients, we want to teach them to do for themselves.

Rather than being in need of a friend, which increases the risk of becoming a needy person, you should become your own best friend. Once you learn to like yourself, you will find that you are much more likable to others.

Coming every week to see your counselor for another booster shot of self-esteem is not the same thing as recovering from whatever you chose to call your problem.

3. You need to develop an outside support system.

Counselors are professional people but we can’t be there every hour of every day.  Yes, professionals are a part of a person’s support system, but we should not be the whole thing.

If you are in recovery, and who among us is not recovering from something or someone, you need a strong support system that is positive and in your corner.

There are a few people who have become conditioned to use the psychiatric hospital and professional therapists as their one and only support. They are sometimes surprised to find they do not have to go on doing that forever.

Having a positive friend you can call in the evening before bedtime or when you are feeling a little low, beats the heck out of having to call the psych hospital every night before bed for some reassurance.

Providers who create peer lines, which are places people with problems can call and talk to other peers, find there are more people who can function without needing psychiatric hospitals. Those communities that rely on hospitals to provide all the services need more hospital beds.

Peers are an important part of the recovery process.

4. There is a danger of developing a second or dual relationship.

The counseling relationship is special. It should not get mixed up with any other relationship. Counselors who forget those boundaries are at risk to get into friendship, financial or even romantic relationships with their clients. That is very likely to harm the client.

If someone says they like you there is that natural tendency to say you like them back. For a week or vulnerable person, there is the risk of trying to feel that way even if that is not how you really feel. The net result is an unwanted unprofessional relationship.

These second or dual relationships harm clients and they can cost counselors their licenses. Best to avoid this from the start.

Hope that explains this odd behavior we counselors feel obligated to observe with our clients.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How do you find a counselor for Depression or Dysthymia?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Counseling questions

Counseling questions.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Looking for help with your depression.

Reader question thought I should share this with all counselorssoapbox.com readers as you might miss it as an answer to an older post. This was a comment on the Dysthymia post.

“I have a question: How do you find a professional who specializes in the treatment of Dysthymia? Someone who is really good. Searching for such a person in Michigan. Medications, by the way, are a waste of time. They don’t work for me. Can you suggest someone for me? Thanks!”

Great question. Let me make some suggestions. I am out in California and do not know professionals back there in your area. But the process is likely the same everywhere.

1. If you have not done so see a medical doctor first, there are some medical conditions that can look like depression or Dysthymia.

2. If you have a history of substance abuse, alcohol, or drugs, get that treated first or concurrently with the Dysthymia  Even after people stop using they still have the old thinking and it does not change without help.

3. Interview the counselor you are considering seeing.  Picking a therapist is kind of like dating, you may find the right person the first time, but you need to get to know them a little before you make the commitment.  Progress in therapy is all about the relationship.

4. Look for someone who treats depression. The process is very similar in treating Depression or Dysthymia  If the depression comes from a recent bad event this is more like an adjustment disorder. If you are depressed because you lost your job you need someone who can work on career counseling. Dysthymia is generally more long-term and you may need to look at things you learned as a child that no longer are helpful. I prefer to work from a Cognitive Behavioral or Rational Emotive perspective. Narrative therapy can also work.

5. Avoid a counselor who advertises things that do not fit you. Men should generally avoid a therapist that advertises they use a “feminist” perspective. Don’t see a Muslim counselor if you are a Christian or vice versa. Most good counselors work with everyone and do not put that sort of thing in their advertising.

6. Expect to do a lot of work on yourself. A good therapist is like a good tour guide, they can tell you about the trail but you need to take the hike.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Social or anti-social drinker? Dangers of emotional drug use.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Bottles of alcohol.

Alcoholic Beverages.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Using drugs to regulate emotions is high-risk behavior.

We have all heard and seen the use of drugs, especially alcohol to alter your mood. The media has bought into this and it is a common perception. If you feel bad then you need a drink.

This is the worst possible way to use any substance.

People who are sad drink, to cheer themselves up. The angry person has a few to calm down why doesn’t this work?

Absolutely drinking and other drugs can change the way you feel. You feel a little down so you have a few. For a while, you feel better. That drinking makes you forget why you were down in the first place. Then it wears off.

As the alcohol wears off the feeling returns only now you have the consequences of drinking, money spent, maybe a hangover, maybe just an empty feeling that you are sad and nothing is getting better. So you need to drink again.

Each time you drink you feel a mood swing. When it wears off your mood moves back to where it came from. Once you learn the mood swing that accompanies the use of your drug of choice it is reliable. Too reliable.

Over time, as tolerance builds it will take more of that drug to get the same feeling. Or the same amount will do less. Either way, the tendency is to do more, drink more, to try to change the way you feel. Each time the drug wears off you end up lower than where you were before you used.

Eventually, you need to drink or use all the time if you want to keep feeling good or stay out of that blackness. Then something changes.

You find that when the drug wears off you feel worse than before. You need to drink a few now just to get back to where you started. Eventually, you will need to drink just to feel normal. Whatever normal is for you and for many of us that normal was the reason we started to drink or use in the first place.

At this point, no amount of use will get you back to the feeling OK place. If only using and drinking could help you cope but at some point that substance that promised to be your solution, it has become your problem. Now you are drinking and using just to get by. You may reach a point where you can’t get back to normal anymore. Now you need some of that hair of the dog that bit you just to be able to function at all.

People who use alcohol because they are angry, find that once drunk they lose control of their emotions. That alcohol, it reduces inhibitions. A couple of drinks makes you social in the beginning but later a few drinks can make you antisocial. Under the influence, disinhibited, you may do things that you never would have done sober.

That person who needs a few to get up the courage to say what they think is now acting on that suppressed rage. One survey concluded that the vast majority of people in prison were drunk or high in the 24 hours before they committed the crime that sent them away.

That supposed friend that was helping you cope, your drug of choice, has it become the reason you are in jail or homeless?

People who are sad. Who drink to cheer themselves up, find they can forget their troubles for a while but eventually those troubles find them. And now those troubles have become worse because of failed responsibilities and things done and said while under the influence.

We know that people who are sad and depressed who drink are 55 times more likely to attempt suicide. Often with completed suicides and overdose deaths, there is alcohol in the bloodstream that reduced the inhibitions and permitted the act that brought this life to an end.

A single drink on a social occasion may make for fun. But if you find you need that drink to have fun, that without the drink, or the drug, your life is full of emotions that you just can’t stand, then that drink or drug is not your friend anymore, it has become your tormentor.

Having to drink or use to regulate emotions places you at high risk for addiction. Alcoholism, suicide or homicide. It also can induce mental and emotional illnesses or make a pre-existing mental health problem significantly worse.

You can’t learn much when unconscious and those emotional regulation lessons you learned while under the influence, there is a strong chance that you got those emotional lessons wrong.

Drinking and using for emotional reasons can take you in a really bad direction.

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Emotional Chameleon or naturally empathetic?

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By David Joel Miller MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Emotional chameleon.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Do you soak up other’s emotions like a sponge?

If you find that the way you feel changes when you are around certain people you may be an emotional chameleon.

Emotional chameleons have difficulty identifying what they feel and as a result, they are at risk to assume the feelings of those they are around. They were feeling fine when they entered the classroom but within a few minutes, they have adopted the sad feelings as well as the behaviors of someone who came to class depressed.

We are all affected by the feelings of others around us but the emotional chameleon is unaware that they are changing emotional states throughout the day as they move around others and adopt the feelings of those around them.

Be careful who you hang with, you might catch their emotions as well as their behaviors.

Some people are naturally empathetic. That is not the same thing as an emotional chameleon. The empathetic person can see and sense what others around them are feeling. The can understand what that person is feeling and behave appropriately.

Some people just are not good at empathy. Someone comes up to you and there are in tears, you might ask what is wrong. They tell you that a family member just died.

Someone with low empathy might make a joke about the funeral home should be running a two for the price of one sale with all the deaths going around. A more empathetic person might respond with some conversation about how this person was handling the loss and how can we all be supportive. The emotional chameleon will start crying and tell this person all about the deaths in their family going back to the turn of the century.

Counselors are trained to be empathetic, that skill of being with the other person, and picking up on how they must be feeling. Humans have mirror neurons that help us understand what the other person must be feeling. This helps us to behave appropriately and promotes social connection if you pay attention to the other.

The empathetic person can understand what the other person is feeling without being swept away by the feelings.

Not so for the emotional chameleon. They quickly take on the feelings of others. It is as if they have no feelings of their own and they need to absorb other’s emotions to know how and what to feel.

If you find that you are particularly sensitive to other’s feelings there are several things that you can do to keep yourself grounded and avoid emotional contagion.

Learn to identify what you feel and distinguish this from what others around you are feeling. This process of work with feelings begins by noticing that you are feeling something, find the place in your body that you feel this thing. Next, identify that feeling. This means studying feelings and developing a vocabulary to identify them when you have them. Lastly, learn to vary your responses and behavior depending on what feeling you are having.

Having strengthened your own feelings system you will be at less risk of catching someone else’s emotion. The more you know about your feelings the better you will be at being empathetic and understanding what others are feeling without having to catch your feelings from others in order to feel.

This also allows you to be with someone who is having a negative feeling without having to take that feeling as your own and take it home with you.

Are you high in natural empathy or are you an emotional chameleon who is at risk to catch another feeling from someone else every time you change locations?

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is Alcohol and Drug tolerance?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Drugs.

Drugs.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

When it comes to drugs and alcohol tolerance is not a good thing!

If your doctor, psychiatrist, or counselor has begun to talk with you about tolerance and your drug use this is a bad sign. The concept of tolerance when applied to drugs, and alcohol is a drug also, is a very different idea than when applied to civil rights.

Alcoholic tolerance does not mean that you are OK with a drunk sleeping on your lawn. It also does not mean that you are good with sleeping on other people’s lawns on the night you are too drunk to get home. Tolerance for the ill person is a commendable thing. Building up a tolerance to a drug of choice is not.

If your body develops a tolerance for the drug, that is a serious problem.

From here on we will use the definition of a drug as “anything that goes into your body and changes functioning or thought that is not food.” So yes Alcohol is a drug and so are prescribed medications whether you have the prescription or not. Remember also that this is written from a counselor’s perspective so if you have questions of a medical or legal nature ask your doctor or lawyer.

Alcoholic tolerance is about the ways in which your body and your mind become accustomed to the presence of alcohol or another drug of choice. As a result of having lots of this drug in your system, you begin to change from the inside out.

Tolerance along with Withdrawal are two of the hallmark, identifiable characteristics of addiction or alcoholism. Doctors might define this as chemical dependency but the concept is essentially the same.

Tolerance is that natural adaptive skill your body has to resist things in you that are not normally there.

So the first time you drink you will have a low tolerance. Once the liver has experienced the presence of alcohol it will ramp up and begin to produce more of the enzymes that break down the alcohol. Each successive time you drink you will need more alcohol to feel as drunk as last time. Over time you will develop a tolerance that means you can “hold your liquor” better and better.

This ability to “Hold your liquor” or other drug is not a good thing. It indicates that your body is already changing as a result of use.

As you develop higher tolerance you will feel less drunk or high than before resulting in a need or desire for more of the drug to get that same effect that you used to get.

For some drugs, this is described as “chasing the high” as users find that they can never recreate that first using experience. Over time you will need more and more drugs to get the same or similar effect and the same amount you used to use will produce less and less of an effect.

This does not mean that the danger from use is declining. Just the opposite.

I have worked with clients whose blood alcohol content (or level) was above .32 (read as point 32). Since .08 is legally drunk in this state, that person is drunk enough for four people.

They were talking and walking around just like any normal person, or close to it. How? Because this person practiced drinking on a daily basis. Does that mean that they were OK? Not a chance.

While they may be able to talk coherently and even walk a line close to the way a non-intoxicated person would, behind the wheel they would hit anything that was out there, on the road or not. In that condition a, person who is driving has been known to drive right into the tail lights of a parked car not recognizing that the car was not moving.

People in this state of high tolerance can and do die without ever realizing the risks.

Lots of heroin overdose deaths are a result of this tolerance phenomenon.

A person has a certain level of Heroin use, over time they need to increase the amount they use as their body builds tolerance. One day they get arrested. They are in jail for a while, say thirty days. Over that time the body resets. Their tolerance to their drug of choice goes down.

Now they get released from jail. When they get home they find that packet of drugs they had tucked away. They use exactly the same amount of the same drug as they were using the day before their arrest. They overdose and if medical attention is not fast enough they die.

Why did this happen? Because over the time in jail while they were not using their tolerance declined.

So if you stay off the drugs for a while then your tolerance will decline and you can start over using a small amount occasionally? Lots of alcoholics think this way. Give them a year of not drinking and they think they are cured and can safely drink again.

What we are told is that once the body increases its ability to neutralize that drug of choice that increased capacity may take a vacation but it is still there. An alcoholic who has not had a drink for 5 years can develop the same tolerance and use pattern they had before they quit in days rather than the years it took the first time.

Tolerance even after a long period of not using comes back fast and strong.

The moral here is that if you have begun to develop tolerance or have used long enough to have this result you will probably never return to safe use.

This tolerance effect explains why some prescribed medications need to be increased in dosage after a period of use. Sometimes doctors have to switch meds if you build up too much tolerance to one medication.

Not every drug results in tolerance at the same rate. Some drugs can be used for years and little or no tolerance develops. With other drugs, tolerance develops so rapidly that if you use the drug one day it will have no effect on you the next day. I won’t tell you which drug that is but those of you who use it know what I am talking about.

I should also point out that most street drugs, drugs of abuse, are much more likely to produce rapid tolerance and the resulting addiction than most prescribed medications but there are exceptions to that rule.

When in doubt about the physical signs and symptoms of tolerance consult your doctor. If you are having behavioral or emotional issues as a result of using to the point of tolerance then consider treatment or counseling.

This discussion about tolerance has focused on changes in physical tolerance. There are also characteristic mental and emotional changes that can occur as a result of drug use. For more on those mental health issues look under co-occurring disorders in the list of topics this blog covers.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Finding the recovery door

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Row of doors

Picking the right door.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Why this time recovery just might take.

“This program has really helped me, ” the client said. I had to wonder why. They had been in several programs before and none of them had worked. I thought of all the usual reasons.

We like to think that every client needs to be ready. The old way of thinking about that was to say that people need to “hit bottom.” The assumption here was that until things get really, really, bad you might not be willing to give up that familiar problem.

This hitting bottom idea is most often applied to people in substance abuse recovery but experience has taught me that the same process of looking for and finding recovery happens to those people who have a mental or emotional issue. Sometimes people have both.

One person’s bottom may be getting arrested for a DUI or being so anxious they miss work again and lose their job. For another person, their bottom may be a total loss of family, friends, and job. Some people find recovery when they are homeless, some not even then.

So when I see someone who has been through various programs I always wonder what will be different this time.

“I knew there was recovery out there” the client replied, “but every time I got to the recovery door I just didn’t go in.” I knew they weren’t talking about programs or even about the number of therapists they had seen. That list was in the file and there were plenty.

“What door?” I asked.

“The recovery door.” The client said again. I knew there was recovery behind that door but I was just afraid to open the door and go through it. That would mean changing my life and when I got there I was just afraid of what else might change so I never walked through and entered recovery.” They explained.

In recovery, it takes whatever it takes for someone to be ready to walk through that door. It doesn’t do any good to try to pull them through the door kicking and screaming. The best I can ever do is hold the door open and let them catch a glimpse of recovery. Maybe they will build up some desire for this thing called recovery, especially when they see others who look like them who have found recovery.

I have heard other ways of saying this. The metaphors may be different but the sentiment is the same.

People go to programs and they get a set of “tools” then they don’t take those tools out of the package and get them dirty. They don’t use the recovery tools to solve their problems.

We get close to that door to a new life and then out of fear of the unknown, we are afraid to take that last step and walk through the door into a new happy life.

Is there some life change you need to make to find your recovery? Do you need to reach out for help? Should you be attending a program or a self-help group?

What do you need to be walking away from and what should you be moving towards?

No matter how long it takes to get there are you finally ready to walk through the recovery door?

Here is wishing you a happy, recovered life.

David Joel Miller, LMFT, LPCC

Related articles

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Armed Forces Day – today is one of 52 Armed Forces Days

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Armed Forces Day.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Today is Armed Forces Day here in the United States of America.

Fifty-Two different countries celebrate Armed Forces Days, though on different dates. In the U.K the date moves around, mostly late June, and so does the places of celebration. Australia and New Zealand celebrate a similar day on April 25th.

In some places, Armed Forces Day is merged with Veterans Day or Memorial Day.

The purpose of Armed Forces Day is to honor those who serve in the often difficult job of protecting and defending their countries.

Our American Armed Forces Day was created in 1949 when days devoted to the various branches of the military services were merged to create one overall day the whole country could celebrate.

In times of war, it is easy for us to remember our Armed Forces. When we are under attack they rise to the front of public view.

Unfortunately, we have learned that as soon as the crisis passes the public quickly loses sight of the role of the Armed Forces. While the public quickly forgets, the members of the Armed Forces will remember their time in the service throughout their lifetime.

In times of peace members of the armed forces are active in many ways. They are present in times of hurricane, flood, earthquake, and all manner of natural disasters. They fight fires and keep the peace, both at home and at times in other lands.

Those who serve often pay a heavy price. The images of things they have seen may persist for a lifetime. Service can leave them changed forever. Some wounded warriors bear the marks of service on the outside and some carry those wounds internally.

Some wars are popular and some have been unpopular, either way, the service and those who served can quickly fade from the popular mind.

For this one day, Armed Forces Day, regardless of where you live or when you celebrate the day, we all should seek to remember those who chose this path of service.