Who owns this problem? Why they won’t stop.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Problem and problem solving

Problem-solving.

Why do some people refuse to change and how do I make them?

Many of the questions to this blog are about getting others to change. This person or that is driving you crazy and you want them to change but they are just refusing.

The reason you may be getting nowhere on resolving the situation just may be that you are trying to solve the wrong problem.

One method for resolving problem behavior that is taught in parenting classes is to look for the ownership of the problem. Here is a simple “child” problem and afterward we will apply this to more adult issues.

Mother goes into the child’s room and it is a mess. Mom yells “you are such a lazy slob, clean this room up.” This is a bad approach for two reasons. Calling the child a slob may establish a core identity that they are a slob. If that is what you are, why try to change? Being called names repeatedly encourages people to give up.

Who owns this problem? Why mom does of course. The child’s room is messy, mom does not like it and it is upsetting mom. More precisely, mom is “choosing to upset herself” over this issue. She could just give up as many mothers do and accept that kid’s rooms are often messy.

Now, what if grandma is coming and it is important to mom that the room be cleaned up? You all know how grandma is.

The solution – make the problem the child’s. Mom now says “if you do not get this room cleaned up by the time grandma arrives you will not be going to the store with her,” or some other suitable negative consequence.

Now, who owns the problem? Why the child does of course. They need to get this job done in time to get grandma to take them shopping and buy them stuff. Now the child is motivated.

An aside here, make very sure that the phrase “room is a mess and needs to be cleaned up” is operationalized. The child needs to know exactly what you want to be done. They would be glad to throw all those dirty clothes in the closet and call the room clean. A specific list of things to be done before grandma arrives would be helpful here.

Now the more adult version of this issue.

Lots of commenters on this blog ask about getting others to change. I see this in the search engine terms also. Everyone wants someone else to change. How do you do that?

There are techniques to help others change or encourage that change and I have described those methods in a post on “Getting others to change.” There is also a series of posts about “How people change.”

Before you launch into that changing effort you need to ask yourself one question.

Who owns this problem?

If the person is isolating in their room, depressed, and thinking of suicide by all means intervene. Professional help is called for here.

But what if your partner does not like to go out and you do?

In that case, you own this problem.

Most of the time, we want others to change it is because their behavior bothers us. We own those problems. We can talk with the person, make changes in our behavior that encourage the change we want, but the other person still may decide they do not want to change.

If a behavior is not interfering with a person’s ability to work, have relationships with family or friends, and is not making them unhappy, why then we professionals don’t see this as a problem for them.

So if the other person is choosing to not change and it is driving you nuts, you need to work on you.

Options here? Acceptance – radical acceptance is a good place to start. Consider changing yourself so you do not “upset yourself” so much. A good place to begin this practice might be with some “Mindfulness,” get centered in the present.

Enjoy the person and the situation for what they are instead of insisting that they change to suit you.

It is next to impossible to change problems that are not yours and most of the time when we try to change others we are trying to get them to solve our problem.

Suggestion – Take another look at the problems in your life and see who really owns them. If you own the problem then begin by changing you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What does “an expectation not an exception” mean when applied to co-occurring disorders?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mental illness and addiction go together.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are Co-occurring disorders to be expected? – Morning Question #24

Most substance abusers also have some form of mental illness. The two are seen together so often we need to begin by assuming the client could have both and then assess as if both disorders were present. Many substance users had a mental illness before they began using drugs or alcohol. Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Anxiety are all common among those with an addiction.

People who use and abuse substances are at risk of developing mental health issues as a result of the using experience.

Substances can also alter the brain, resulting in mental illnesses while under the influence, while withdrawing, or after use. Mental illnesses that are the result of drug or alcohol use are called drug-induced illnesses.

Anyone who works with the mentally ill or substance abusers should expect that they will see both of these problems and others on a frequent basis.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Attachment Styles – childhood follows you into adult life

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

child

Child.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are attachment problems a mental illness?

The way you relate to adults, especially your parents or primary caregiver during childhood can affect the way you relate to others for the rest of your life.

Generally, these kinds of problems show up in a very young child, and if severe enough and noticed by a professional they will get diagnosed as a mental illness needing treatment. The only attachment disorder formally recognized as a “DSM” disorder is Reactive Attachment Disorder of Infancy or Early Childhood.

Any therapist in practice with adults will tell you that a lot of what we are working on with our adult clients are things from childhood that need to be addressed now because they are interfering with the client’s relationships at home, at work, or friendships. Or these problems are making the client miserable.

The notion that relationships between caregivers and children will affect their relationships the rest of their life came from many sources, but two, John Bowlby and Harry Harlow were especially important. Bowlby studied orphans after World War Two and Harlow studied monkeys raised by mechanical “mothers.”

Harlow found that monkey babies would nurse from “wire mothers” but when done would go cuddle with soft cloth “mothers” even though the cloth mothers provided no food. The conclusion here seems well established. Just providing for a child’s physical needs, food, and shelter, is not enough. How that child is cuddled and loved affects their development for the rest of their life.

Bowlby discovered that some orphans had been so deficient in “mothering” that they could not relate appropriately to others as they matured. (We now think fathering is important also see “Fatherneed” by Pruett.)

Early relationships with a caregiver need to be sufficiently nurturing for the child to survive, so closeness is important. As the child grows they also need to develop autonomy, the belief they can do things without the caregiver. Balancing closeness and individuality are tasks humans must undergo to become separate adults who are still capable of close intimate relationships with others as adults.

How a child reacts to others is not solely the result of the parent’s behavior. Not every childhood problem is the mother’s fault. Some children are born fearful and clingy and others are born explorers. The difficult, cranky child can train the caregiver to leave it alone.

The application of Attachment theory has caused some problems when some of my colleagues jumped to unwarranted conclusions that every child’s behavior problems were the parents’ fault, often based on observing a child and parent interact during a relatively brief period of time.

Professionals who do attachment work describe children as having one of four ways of attaching to a caregiver. These are from attachment theory and not all people who use this theory agree on these labels and descriptions.

1. Secure attachment.

A securely attached child likes to be with the caregiver and is able to leave the caregiver and explore but runs back to the caregiver when frightened.

2. Avoidant attachment.

This child has come to expect that the caregiver will hurt them or will not meet their needs. This child does not seek out their caregiver and is just as likely to play with a stranger as with the parent.

These children are over quick to make new relationships with people they do not know and do not seem to get upset when the person they are with leaves.

Sometimes it is hard to tell if a child is avoidant with their caregiver or very, very secure, and does not need much contact with the caregiver to feel safe. Parents with very outgoing self-confident children have been accused of failing to bond with their children because of the child’s ability to function without the parent in the room.

3. Anxiously or resistantly attached.

This child is fearful with or without the parent. This child can’t be reassured by either the parent or a stranger. Children like this may become angry when the caregiver leaves and continue to be angry when they return.

4. Disorganized attachment

A child becomes disorganized during interactions with the caregiver. They may resort to the primitive “F’s” and freeze, flee or fight. This child may disassociate, speak incoherently, or have a loss of memory as a result of interacting with a caregiver they perceive as harmful.

These four “types” of attachment are not universally accepted and a person can have elements of one or more attachment style. A particular attachment style can vary from mild to strong in severity and all attachment styles are influenced by an individual’s personality.

The one attachment issue that has made its way into the DSM-4 and can be diagnosed as a separate mental illness is 313.89 Reactive Attachment Disorder of Infancy or Early Childhood which is then divided into two types, Inhibited Type (like resistant above) and Disinhibited type.

A person with disinhibited attachment disorder will form overly close relationships with people they barely know. This is the type of person to stop a stranger on the street and then begin to tell them all about the most intimate personal issues of their life.

These clinical definitions are extreme cases.

Some adults will report their parents were never there for them and were non-affirming. This results in a personality style of being self-sufficient or avoiding others.

Other adults believe that their caregiver was over-involved and controlling and did not allow them to develop a secure sense of self.

Learning life skills that may have been missing from your childhood learning can be described as “inner child work” or “re-parenting.” The goal for the client in these situations should be to develop the attachment skills that are lacking and to learn the developmental tasks that should have been learned at an earlier stage.

Various schools of psychotherapy will approach the task of addressing attachment issues in adults in quite different fashions.

Have you had to go back and work on attachment issues or do you still struggle with these problems? If something worked for you what worked?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

4 Mindfulness skills to make you more productive

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.

Increase your productivity and happiness starting now.

People who practice four mindfulness skills become more successful in less time than you might think. Mindfulness is applied by highly successful people a lot more often than we suspect.

Mindfulness is a very practical skill. While it is often linked to meditation and eastern practices it has applications that will improve a student’s grades, make a businessman more productive, and reduce emotional conflicts at home or on the job.

Mindfulness means making more efficient use of your brain by practicing 4 thinking skills.

Have you seen someone walking along occupied by their electronic device that walked into an oncoming car? What about that person who is talking on a cell phone who drives straight through a crosswalk full of people?

Lack of mindfulness, that failure to be where you are, and to think about what you are doing is epidemic in our society. We all suffer when people do things in a mindless manner.

Here are four ways to apply mindfulness to your daily life and become happier and more productive.

1. Observe More.

Humans are cognitive misers. We spend the least amount of time observing things and the most amount of time preoccupied with things that are in other times and places.

Happy thoughts and good ideas take some time to soak in. Every day we walk from our homes to our cars but on each of those days, things around us are changing. For some of us, that flower blooms and fades unnoticed. To hold that image of the floral bloom requires as little as 30 seconds of time to pause and really genuinely notice that plant’s celebration of the day.

Observation is not limited to things but should include feelings and processes.

How many government agencies are still having clients fill out lengthy forms with places for several addresses and phone numbers while missing that the clients waiting in line are texting and emailing?

Successful businesses notice the changes in their customer’s patterns and respond to those changes rather than trying to maintain the status quo.

2. Describe more things.

The more words you are able to use the more thoughts you can activate. Most of us have difficulty managing our emotions because we are short on vocabulary to manipulate those feelings. To be able to work with something you first need to see it exists and then you need a word to categorize it.

Men in therapy often struggle with this issue. Men feel good, bad, or ticked off.  When we feel “bad” we try to change that feeling. But bad might also include sad, regretful, or nostalgic.

Sometimes we need to sit with that feeling and see how it might influence our actions and responses to the life we are living.

Feelings are not interferences with our lives, they are useful guides to action.

3. Act with awareness.

Impulsive acts get us in trouble. That few seconds pause to consider if this is an act that will benefit us, in the long run, can make one’s life more effective.

Being on autopilot is not the only way to live. Paying more attention to the things you do throughout your day can increase your efficiency and effectiveness.

As you move through your day pay special attention to the things you are doing and how you are doing them. Are there more productive ways to do them?

Outside consultants get paid big money to come in and point out patterns of inefficient activity, specifically because those who are doing these actions every day have become unaware of what they are doing and why.

4. Accept things without judging them.

Being more mindful will mean noticing things we do that are not as perfect as we would like them. Accept that not everything you do will be perfect. Acceptance does not mean you allow things to happen to yourself or others. You can accept that the thing happened and still mindfully move to change it.

Natural disasters happen more often than we would like. People can become fearful and immobilized or they can choose to spring into action and do what needs doing.

If you fail to accept that something bad has happened, you will stay stuck in the “it shouldn’t, we can’t” stage for a long time.

Denying the realities of life is one defense mechanism that needs to be discarded as soon as possible.

Accepting that things happen whether you like them or not and that you do what you do for better or worse allows you to move forward rather than stay stuck in the negative emotions of regret or self-blame.

Conclusion

There you have four mindfulness skills that can be practiced every day whether you practice any medication or not. Using these four skills can make you happier and more productive.

Do you practice any mindfulness skills? How has mindfulness helped you?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are creative people anti-social?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Original

Creative.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are highly creative people, writers, and artists, also anti-social?

Some occupations require lots of time working alone. Artists and writers, in particular, need to spend a lot of time by themselves. Do these occupations attract people who want to avoid people?

Is there a mental health problem or personality type that is over-represented in the creative fields?

From a counselor’s perspective, people who work alone or prefer to spend time by themselves are not anti-social. We reserve the label of anti-social as in Anti-social Personality Disorder for people who have no empathy for others. An anti-social person takes advantage of others because they don’t care. They are the ones who get the label of psychopath or sociopath.

People who prefer to avoid others may have some form of anxiety as in social phobia or they may have an attachment style that results in avoiding others but neither of those personality features involves harming others on purpose.

An avoidantly attached person does not expect others to meet their needs and seeks to get their needs met by solitary activities. A creative person might be avoidant and prefer to avoid all contact with people but that is likely to be rare. To be successful at a creative activity as an occupation they will need to go out and spend time marketing and promoting their efforts. Avoidant people are not likely to be willing to do that and are likely to believe that others will not like them anyway.

Someone with social phobia would like to be around others but because of fear, they are unable to be in situations that trigger their anxiety.

Anti-social personality, avoidant attachments, and high levels of anxiety are not conducive to the risk-taking the artistic person needs to genuinely create something novel.

But an artist and those of an artistic temperament are more likely to have one particular emotional issue. Many artists are moody.

One mental health issue does appear to be correlated with creative temperaments. Kay Redfield Jamison in her book “Touched with Fire” describes the connection between Bipolar disorder and creative endeavors. Those episodes of above-average energy and times when the person is “in the zone” fuel creativity. Uncontrolled these episodes can turn into manic or hypomanic episodes and result in the creative person losing control and engaging in risky dangerous behaviors.

There are plenty of stories of famous artistic and creative people who had periods of high energy sometimes coupled with risky behavior followed by periods of deep depression. The energetic periods may fuel creativity but in the full-on manic episodes, the person is no longer able to stay focused long enough to complete projects.

The artistic fields have had a disproportionate share of individuals with mood swings who became alcoholics, addicted, or suicidal. The really productive artists, in the long run, learn to manage their moods with or without help and they keep their emotions in bounds.

See also posts on Hyperthymic Temperament, Bipolar Disorder, and Mania.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Happy families plan rituals and routines

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Family

Family.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Families that plan their rituals and routines have better-behaved children.

Families that begin by planning the kind of family they want, including rituals and routines have happier and better-behaved children EVEN when one of the parents is an alcoholic! (Kiser, Bennett, Heston, and Paavola, 2005)

Rituals and routines – what’s the difference?

Most families have routines.

Routines are the usual patterns of activities. Routines are often repetitive and they are frequently rehearsed to get them right. Routines are our usual or standard way of doing things.

A typical family, every night at 8:00 mom yells from the living room to the bedrooms, “time for bed, get ready NOW!” Mom goes back to watching T. V. Kids go back to playing. This routine may get repeated during the commercial break at 8:30 and again at 9:00. By 10:00 PM mom makes a dash for the bedroom yelling like a banshee. Kids now take her seriously and begin to get ready for bed.

Routines recur in a family but no one places much significance in the event. It is just the way things happen in a family. We do this over and over.

Rituals are created with advanced thought and they have symbolic meaning.

Rituals are formal, systematic, patterned, and usually, unvarying, often religious or spiritual patterns of behavior.

At 8:00 mom leaves her T. V. programs and goes to the room of her youngest who she helps get ready for bed. She tucks him in, says prayers or reads a story and ends with a hug or kiss, and tells them she loves them. Each child, in turn, gets a good night contact. The contact may change as the child ages but the significance of the parent coming to say goodnight remains the same. The good night ritual conveys to the child the feeling “you are loved.”

Routines become habits for good or bad, but creating rituals builds relationships that last a lifetime. Many family rituals get passed down from generation to generation often modified as the new generation adds others from the outside to the family.

Families that have rituals are characterized by better mental health.

Family rituals are likely to fall into one of three categories. What separates them from the mass of daily activities is the intentionality and the meaning they assume. The three types of rituals are:

1. Celebrations mark special events.

These rituals may be those practiced by the larger culture or they may be unique to the particular family. Some families continue to celebrate festivals unique to their family heritage. Holidays and rites of passage are common celebrations.

2. Traditions have a special meaning to you or your loved ones.

These are celebrations that are unique to a particular family. They may include anniversaries of important events, birthdays, or dates of particular significance to the family. Recovering people often celebrate their twelve-step or recovery birthday.

3. Patterned ritualized routines.

Family dinners are a good example of this process. For many families, dinner is a hurried meal which even if consumed together is a series of people arriving, rushed eating, and departures. Those at the table may be distracted by T. V. electronics, cell phones, and other non-family activities.

A family that transforms the dinner meal might make a deliberate effort to change this eating activity into a ritual.

Outside distractions are banned from the table. No one begins to eat until all the family is seated and someone says a prayer, blessing, or announces that it is time to eat. People are encouraged to engage in conversation. Each person will be expected to share something from their day.

School-age children may be asked to share one thing they learned that day. Begun at an early age, that practice of needing to have that one newly learned item to share can instill a lifelong interest in learning.

Having a deliberate plan for these family rituals is important and promotes healthy child development. Strong family rituals have been shown to limit the transmission of alcoholism and other dysfunctional behavior (Kiser, Bennett, Heston, and Paavola, 2005.)

Having set rituals for particular events can reduce the stress around those events. Following a disaster or change in family structure the sooner the family can return to their customary rituals the less stress the child experiences.

The earlier these family rituals were developed and incorporated into the family’s life the better it is for the child’s development.

Preplanned family rituals take on greater meaning. Planed ritual activities make family time more special.

One question new parents should ask themselves is “What kind of family do you want?” The rituals they create will determine the result.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Finding a marriage counselor who can help.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Old car

Getting better marriage mileage.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you select a marriage counselor?

Picking the right counselor for you can be difficult when you are dealing with your issues, but in couples counseling, there are added factors to consider.

The heat of the conflict between two people can make the whole process of agreeing to see a marriage therapist difficult, selecting that helping person, can take some effort at negotiation also. Here are some suggestions.

Make the counselor choice when both of you are feeling calm.

The middle of a fight may be the time one of you says for the first time “We need to go for counseling.” This might be the time to agree that you will go but it is not the best of times to make that selection.

Plan a time to sit down and discuss the selection process when you both are feeling less angry.

If your partner feels forced or manipulated into seeing a counselor you have chosen they are likely to be resistant to the process.

Don’t keep putting the problem off because some days things go better.

If you are having relationship problems the sooner you begin to work on these problems the more likely you are to find solutions that will work for both of you. Too often couples wait until the wreckage of repeated fights leaves them both convinced that even if the situation changes they still would want out of this relationship.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. When you are having that rough patch one of you may be thinking the worst. The times that you are able to talk with each other rationally are the best time to make progress.

Relationship counseling does not always need to be a long-drawn-out process. If you both approach it with the desire to work out your problems things may improve more quickly than you expect. Sometimes it is a matter of learning new skills or getting another perspective.

Don’t go to counseling to prove who is right or wrong.

A good marriage counselor will not solve the problems for you. They should never take sides. You will waste lots of time and money trying to be right and the result will be that both parties will leave the relationship angry and bitter.

Figuring out who is right is the job of a judge when you go to end the marriage. If you are stuck on making your partner the cause of the problems then you can’t focus on the solution.

The goal of counseling should be to find common ground, things you can agree on.

Repairing the damage is far more important than beating your partner into submission. Couples who stay together learn to see things from their partner’s viewpoint rather than becoming good at making that partner wrong.

Pick a counselor you both think can help you.

The best predictor of success in therapy is the client’s belief that the counselor can help. Pick someone you both feel will be helpful. If you don’t know a marriage counselor research those in your area. Some people travel long distances to see a really good therapist.

It is perfectly acceptable to interview the counselor when you call. Make sure you also feel comfortable with the office staff; can you call and reschedule an appointment? Is the receptionist helpful? Do they return calls?

How does this therapist help couples?

Some professionals believe every couple who comes for therapy should stay married; they may call themselves divorce busters. Other professionals may recommend divorce to a high percentage of their clients.

There was a time when therapists mainly listened to you without comment. Is that what you want? Other practitioners are more directive, they do exercises or activities in session, have you rehearse skills, and assign homework for you to do out of session. Which approach sounds most helpful to you?

Be honest with the therapist and yourself.

If you have decided you want a divorce but have been afraid to say so being in the room with a neutral mediator may help.

If your choice is to stay married? What are you willing to change about yourself to make this work? There are ways to influence your partner (see getting others to change post) but the fastest way to see things improve is often to change yourself. Changing you may require giving up that resentment you use over and over to beat your partner into submission.

Many couples come in unsure if they want to stay together. They know there are things about their partner that drew them together and things that are pushing them apart. One day they want to stay married and the next they think it is over. In couples like this, the “leaver” and the “stayer” may shift back and forth from day-to-day.

What do you think? If you have been for marriage counseling what was helpful and what was not?

For more on this topic also see:

Why men fear marriage counseling 

Will marriage Counseling help

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Will marriage counseling help?

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8

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

End of Marriage

Marriage mistakes.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you get the most from marriage counseling?

Not all marriage counseling results in couples staying together. Occasionally the problem is the fit between the two parties, they should never have married. Most of the time the problem is in the individuals. Pick a new partner and you will get a new set of problems.

What do you need to do to get the most from this marriage counseling experience?

For marriage counseling to be helpful there are two things that need to happen. You need to pick the right counselor and you need to go into this experience with the right goals and attitudes. See my posts on “Why men fear marriage counseling” and “Picking the right counselor for you.”

Be serious about investing your time in counseling.

How many hours a week do you spend fighting? Do you spend a lot of time complaining to others about your partner? Do the hours of the week include lots of time for misery?

People tell me that their poor relationship is destroying their life, interfering with their work, and keeping them from having a happy life.

Then they tell me they are not sure they can fit an hour appointment in their schedule. Working on a relationship takes time and effort.

Why wait till after the divorce to come for therapy because of your anger or depression?

Lots of individual counseling I do is actually “post-divorce therapy.” People get divorced thinking that will make them happy and find they are still unhappy.

Be serious about investing your money in counseling.

People spend hundreds on nights out, concert tickets, new clothes, or hair appointments and then say they can’t afford marriage counseling.

If you have children the court-ordered medication and counseling for the children will cost a lot more than what you might have invested in marriage counseling.

How much of your money is spent in the pursuit of happiness? Consider going to counseling an investment in yourself, in learning the skills you will need to get along with a partner or to be happy without them.

Don’t keep putting the problem off because some days things go better.

If you are having relationship problems the sooner you begin to work on these problems the more likely you are to find solutions that will work for both of you. Too often couples wait until the wreckage of repeated fights leaves them both convinced that even if the situation changes they still would want out of this relationship.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. When you are having that rough patch, one of you may be thinking the worst. During the times that you are able to talk with each other rationally is the best time to make progress.

Relationship counseling does not always need to be a long-drawn-out process. If you both approach it with the desire to work out your problems things may improve more quickly than you expect. Sometimes it is a matter of learning new skills or getting another perspective.

Don’t go to counseling to prove who is right or wrong.

A good marriage counselor will not solve the problems for you. They should never take sides. You will waste lots of time and money trying to be right and the result will be that both parties will leave the relationship angry and bitter.

Figuring out who is right is the job of a judge when you go to end the marriage. If you are stuck on making your partner the cause of the problems then you can’t focus on the solution.

The goal in counseling should be to find common ground, things you can agree on.

Repairing the damage is far more important than beating your partner into submission. Couples who stay together learn to see things from their partner’s viewpoint rather than becoming good at making that partner wrong.

Be honest with the therapist and yourself.

If you have decided you want a divorce but have been afraid to say so, being in the room with a neutral mediator may help.

If your choice is to stay married? What are you willing to change about yourself to make this work? There are ways to influence your partner (see getting others to change posts) but the fastest way to see things improve is often to change yourself. Changing you may require giving up that resentment you use over and over to beat your partner into submission.

Many couples come in unsure if they want to stay together. They know there are things about their partner that drew them together and things that are pushing them apart. One day they want to stay married and the next they think it is over. In couples like this, the “leaver” and the “stayer” may shift back and forth from day-to-day.

See also:

Finding a marriage counselor who can help

Why men fear marriage counseling

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Why men fear marriage counseling.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Couple

Why men fear marriage counseling.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Why men would rather ship out to a combat zone than go to marriage counseling.

There are a whole lot of reasons that men cringe in terror when they hear those dreaded words “we have a problem” or “we need to go for marriage counseling. They have good reasons to be terror-struck. I would want to avoid it also if I were in their shoes, except that I am a Licensed Marriage Therapist and have to do this sometimes. Here are some of the reasons men avoid marriage therapy.

Men do not talk about problems, they fix them.

Men, many of them, come from a culture that does not talk about feelings. When they feel sad or frustrated they do not talk – they do.  No young boy is taught that when he misses a shot in basketball he should sit and have a good cry and talk about it for a while. He is told to shake it off and get back in there and try again.

If he stopped to engage his feelings even his own mother, a man’s blueprint for how to be around women, might call him a sissy and tell him to knock it off and be a man. Then he gets married and his wife wants him to be more like a woman and have feelings and sit and talk about them.

For most men experiencing feelings, like crying in front of others is the equivalent of being asked to cut off a couple of inches. The man’s answer is if the board is too big, let’s just make the shelf longer, but I am not cutting off anything.

Marriage counseling traditionally was a tag-team sport and the man got the beating.

Most marriage therapists are women. In California, the typical marriage counselor is a 55-year-old woman, who works 20 hours a week in private practice and mostly focuses on children and women’s issues. When I graduated there were only three men and row upon row of women getting their marriage counseling degree.

There are some great women therapists, unfortunately, there are also some who became therapists to fix themselves and they have the view that the problem is always the man.

A lot of men have come into my office and told me that the last “Marriage therapist kept telling their wife that the man was the problem and she should just leave him. You can take just so much of this tag team beating before you need to draw the line.

A good marriage counselor should never take sides. But under the circumstances, it happens way too much. The man is already being asked to be more sensitive, use his intuition, and talk about his feelings.

They expect to hear that who and what they are is not acceptable.

When a man gets an email that the boss needs to see him for a talk, what he hears is that he is about to get chewed out.

Women do not “invite” men to marriage counseling for fun. By the time it is said it is because the problem has reached the crisis stage. This request is likely to sound more like an invitation to a flogging than a request for a problem-solving session.

Most couples, members of both, even multiple sexes, want to find a solution to a problem for which there is no solution. Gottman found after studying what couples fight about, that the majority of things over which couples are fighting about are things that can’t be changed.

She liked how “exciting” he was, only now she wishes he would be more “responsible.” He liked how “stylish” she was; now he is complaining about how much she spends on makeup and clothes.

When one party in the relationship says we have a “communication problem” what they really mean is you are not doing what I want you to do.

Men, most of them, do not have a strong tradition as good communicators. No NFL player stops the talk over the possession of the ball.

Men are more accustomed to the idea that the more they talk over a problem the more they will lose.

The idea that there can be win-win solutions, activities, and exercises that help both parties get their needs met rather than one winning and the other losing is not something men expect to find in marriage counseling.

Even their mother wouldn’t do this to them.

Mothers, the good ones that inhabit myths and legends, love their sons unconditionally. They watched him grow up and know his weaknesses. Mom gave up trying to get him to stop burping at the table and leaving his dirty underwear on the living room floor a long time ago.

The wife is sure she married a fix-it-up-project and has begun from day one to try to make changes in her new acquisition.

Men can’t understand why that woman who loved him unconditionally a few weeks ago is now on the way home from the honeymoon trying to change every nook and cranny of her new possession.

Does this mean it is over?

By the time the couple gets to the marriage therapist’s office many times one or the other party has already decided that they want out. What the man may be hearing is that she set this up so she could have a witness to how unreasonable he is and why she should leave him.

Now what?

How do you get the man or woman in your life to go for relationship counseling before the train wreck? Is there really a way to get that man to come and talk to make things better?

Yes, there are ways to find a professional who can help you work through those issues and help make your relationship happier. The key is to find the right marriage counselor for you and your partner.

In an upcoming post, we will explore how to find a marriage counselor that can help you both find ways to meet your needs by staying in the marriage instead of running for the exit.

See also: Will marriage counseling help?

Finding a marriage counselor who can help 

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Ca. Professional Counselors – CALPCC and LPCC’s

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

October CALPCC board meeting.

This year California became the 50th state to license Professional Counselors. The official designation in California is “Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor” LPCC for short. Other states had some form of professional counselor’s licensure before California, so we are still finding our way as this profession matures and adapts to California.

CALPCC, a non-profit organization, is the statewide organization for this new profession. Last weekend was the annual “retreat” for CALPCC’s board of directors which I was able to attend.

CALPCC has seen fit to appoint me to that board to fill out an open board member term. I am excited about this opportunity.

Some short recaps of what we talked about are below. Remember that as a new board member these are my impressions and that I can’t speak officially for the board. So any sentiments expressed are purely my own. Here are some of the questions that came up.

1. Why are Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT’s or LMFT’s) becoming LPCC’s also?

At least 4 of the CALPCC board members, myself included, are also licensed as LMFT’s so there was some discussion of why LMFT’s might want to also become LPCC’s.

My belief is that there are things that each profession does that the other does not do and to best serve my clients I needed to be trained in both areas.

Most LMFT’s work with couples, families, and sometimes children. Since I see some children, couples, and families I need to stay licensed, active and up to date in the LMFT field.

Much of my private practice is in individual counseling, particularly something I loosely call “men’s issues.”  LPCC’s are specially trained in things like career counseling and mediation. Sometimes this shades over into the area of life coaching. I approach these issues by trying to help clients solve problems that are causing social or occupational problems or interfering with having a happy life.

2. Why should someone join CALPCC?

Lots of counselors are already members of one or more professional therapist or counselor organizations. They asked why they should join another group.

My view is that if I was solely an LMFT I would need to belong to the one or two organizations in that field. Since I am also an LPCC I felt the need to join the organization that is specific to LPCC’s, which would be CALPCC. I chose to be a member of organizations in both fields and would recommend that to other people who are dually licensed.

3. What are the benefits of being a member of CALPCC?

CALPCC maintains a website. There is information on the website for anyone who is interested in the new Professional Clinical Counselor profession. There is also a member’s only area with additional information that is useful to LPCC’s that may not be of interest to non-counselors. Other professional associations also use this member’s only format for some of their website content to encourage those who use the resources to help pay the cost.

I recommend that if you are licensed or seeking licensure as an LPCC, you want to be a member of CALPCC and get access to the members-only content on the website.

4. Can LPCC’s bill Medi-Cal?

Not yet, but we believe this is coming and coming soon. At this point, there are only a few LPCC’s licensed in California. The last license number I heard was about LPC200. Those who are getting licensed now are people with previous other licenses who are getting a second license.

We were told that there is a huge pile of applications for the LPCC license that were mailed on the last day of 2011. BBS will be working on that pile for a while. By the time those licenses are completed and the BBS moves to issuing new licenses to people who did not have a previous license we hope that the Medi-Cal approval will be completed.

There are other federally funded programs in which LPCC’s are already being hired.

5. Can LPCC’s open a private practice and take private insurance?

Yes, they can. Who the insurance company place on their panel is up to each individual insurance company. I am on several panels and each one that I have looked at will take LPCC’s.

That does not mean that if you are newly licensed as an LPCC the insurance company will automatically add you.  Most insurance companies want to know they are sending their customers to someone who is reliable. They require providers to have a certain length of time in the profession before they add you to their panel. They also look to see if they have too many or too few counselors on their list for your area.

This is not insurance companies picking on the new LPCC profession. These rules have also been applied to existing LMFT’s and LCSW’s.

Most insurance companies I have looked at require you to have been licensed for 2 to 5 or even 6 years before they will consider you for their panel unless you have a particular skill they need on their list. So if you speak Russian and Swahili you may get on insurance panels sooner.

6. Should students join CALPCC now or wait till graduation?

I recommend that you join while still in school and read the members-only updates while you are preparing for your exams. This keeps you up to date on the latest events and trainings in your field.

Also – the CALPCC student member price is VERY reasonable.

Consider that the really good counselors and therapists do not stop learning when they graduate. If you want to be the best possible therapist or counselor you can be, stay active and up to date in your field.

If you are a client or an out of California professional forgive the very California LPCC specific post. The last two weeks have been extra busy for me. Shortly I will return to my posts on recovery, resiliency, and having a happy life.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel