Articles about anger, behavior and children.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy family

Parenting.

More resources for parents – single or coupled.

Some additional resources I wanted to make you aware of. Some of you may remember that I was interviewed for an article about managing anger during a custody dispute. That article and several others on children’s anger and behavior issues are available at the same website.

They also have a new Checklist for parents on child behavioral problems and while it is not a diagnostic tool it can suggest times when you should seek professional help for a child’s behavioral issues.

Just returned from the California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (CALPCC) board meeting. More on that meeting and the new (in California) profession of Professional Clinical Counseling as soon as I can get the posts written.

How does Marijuana affect memory?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Marijuana’s effect on memory.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Does Marijuana use result in State-Dependent Learning?

In a previous post, I wrote about the concept of State-Dependent Learning (SDL), how things learned while you have a drug in your bloodstream may be better remembered when you have that same drug in your body. Readers have asked if Marijuana use results in SDL and what other effects does marijuana have on memory?

If Marijuana causes state Dependent Learning then we should advise people who learn things while smoking Weed to also smoke weed while or shortly before needing to use that information.

Will smoking marijuana just before a test help students who smoke while studying remember the facts better for the test?

Clearly, a great many things, mood states, drugs in the system, even the general health of the individual can affect memory. Unbiased information about the precise effects of Marijuana on memory and learning has been difficult to find.

There are a number of reasons for the contradictory reports of health benefits and harms of Marijuana we read in the media. I have been reading the research since my last post on SDL and here are some of the things that I have found.

Marijuana is more like a stew than a vegetable.

Marijuana contains over 600 chemicals including 60 to 70 Cannabinoids (another article listed 116). Two of the Cannabinoids have some research data but a lot of the other chemicals are poorly understood and have little research. All of the possible combinations of these 600 chemicals create unlimited possibilities for effects. That is not the only reason we know so very little about the effects of marijuana on memory.

How does it work?

For a long time, we knew that marijuana was doing something, we just could not find any receptors for the Cannabinoids in the nervous system so we did not know exactly what Marijuana was doing to the nervous system. Starting in the late 1980s and the early 1990’s receptors for Cannabinoids were found. But there are multiple kinds of receptors and they are located in some parts of the body and not others.

Many of the nerve cells that make up our “brain” are not in the head. When you are hungry the nerve cells in your stomach tell your brain that the stomach wants food. The same thing happens with Cannabinoids. Many of the Cannabinoid receptors are located in places like the spleen and the tonsils. So marijuana might affect memory for pain in the throat differently than memory for the history test.

Worse yet as we study the various Cannabinoids they don’t all do the same things. The two most widely studied Cannabinoids delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) and Cannabidiol (CBD) appear to do opposite things. THC seems to produce thinking distortions. The younger you start using THC the more likely you are to develop psychosis. CBD, however, has been proposed and tested as a treatment for psychosis.

One theory, on this contradiction, postulates that young marijuana plants have more CBD and less THC. As the plants mature they form more THC and the CBD is reduced. So if there is high THC, which is the cannabinoid that gets you high, then it has low medicinal properties. Plants with lots of CBD and that might be more medicinal don’t get you high. But most medical marijuana users want the kind that gets them high. What the other Cannabinoids are doing we are not really sure.

It depends on who makes the stew and how long you cook it.

One other problem with the research on Marijuana is that the concentrations of all the chemicals change depending on how Marijuana is grown and how it is processed or dried after harvest. Various studies on Marijuana may really be studies of all sorts of different chemicals, not just the Cannabinoid.

Recent research has tackled this problem by using pure synthetic Cannabinoids so when testing THC or CBD that is the only chemical being tested.

There are different types of memory and memory operations.

Short-term memory is info that is held in memory for a minute or less. Drugs, emotions even attention can interfere with the ability to take in information. Ever read something in a book and a second later realize you don’t remember what you read? This is a failure to encode information into short-term memory.

Marijuana, particularly THC, has been implicated in the failure to encode the information.

Working memory is information being processed. Some information can be distorted while in processing by the drugs in the system. Alcohol especially can make the drunken person think things are happening that in fact did not happen.

I have not found studies that suggest that marijuana (THC) is altering information processing but it is altering some other memory events.

Long-term memory is information held in storage.

The inability to find, access, and retrieve information is what State-Dependent Learning is all about. With SDL it is easier to retrieve previously stored information when the drug that was present during storage is again present.

Marijuana use has not been shown to affect memories formed prior to the use of Marijuana. It is not likely to help reduce PTSD symptoms or unpleasant memories of the past for more than a short time period.

So far no studies I have found indicate that THC improves the ability to locate the material that was previously stored.

Retrieval is the ability to find and pull up information.

If the information that you retrieve is inaccurate or incomplete this is a retrieval error.

THC appears to reduce the encoding of information so less gets into short-term memory and less is stored away.

THC is also reported to interfere with the retrieval of information.

Smoking marijuana while studying results in learning less. Smoking marijuana just before taking the test interferes with remembering what was learned.

Marijuana use (THC) does not create State-Dependent Learning and further use will not help recover memories of information learned while under the influence of marijuana.

There are plenty of people who smoke a lot of Marijuana and remember things just fine and there are people who do not smoke weed and have a poor memory, clearly smoking or not is not the whole answer.  But smoking weed has not been shown to improve memory or help retrieve previously learned information. It has been shown to interfere with the encoding and decoding of information.

Under the influence of THC, you will learn and remember less than you would without the weed.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What is State Dependent Learning? Memory problems?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Is it State-Dependent Learning or Forgetting?

State-dependent learning.
Picture courtesy of pixabay.

The way we feel emotionally and the things in our systems, drugs, medications, and general health all influence what we remember and what we forget. State-Dependent Learning is about times we remember and times we forget – the very same facts.

Say you go to a party or a bar after work and you have a few drinks. During the course of the evening, you talk to a lot of people. Let’s say for this example you have a lot of fun, it was a great time.

You have a few drinks but you are sure, positive, you are not drunk.

Next morning you look in your pocket or purse and there are a couple of business cards, only you can’t remember who these people are. Are they potential clients? Were you supposed to do something for them? Or did they try to sell you something? You just can’t remember. So you stick those cards back where they were and go about your day.

You are positive you were not that drunk, this is no alcoholic blackout. But it is frustrating anyway to not be able to remember why you have those business cards.

Later that day some of the people from your office are off to lunch, lunch with a client and you need to be there. So during this lunch, you have a drink or two. Suddenly you have a thought about those business cards in your pocket. So you pull them out and – yes now you remember the whole conversation and why you saved those cards.

You have just experienced State-Dependent Learning.

In State-Dependent Learning it is as if your brain uses different filing cabinets for information depending on how your system is functioning. With alcohol in your bloodstream, the brain files the information away in a “file needed when drinking” and locks it away. To get the file cabinet open and find that information you need the right key, in this case, alcohol, in your system to reopen the locked file cabinet.

Alcohol is not the only drug or medication that results in State-Dependent Learning and lost file keys are not the only problem that can happen when filing information or trying to retrieve it.

Memories can get lost or distorted when they are filed away. Sometimes, as with alcoholic blackouts, the info is misplaced before going into the file. In that case, the brain, on discovering the file is empty, makes something up. This is called Confabulation.

Problems can happen when the information is stored and some drugs affect storage. The info can also be hard to find if it is stored in the “high” cabinet and you look for it in the “feeling normal” file space.

The size and nature of the information also matter. Say you need to remember a long list of words. If the words are makes of cars, types of seafood, and tools sold in a hardware store, telling you those categories at the time we read the list to you will help you remember them. If the list is long, has words from many categories, and we don’t tell you the categories, the words will be harder to remember.

The brain has filing systems for category lists and for jumbled lists. Different drugs can affect different kinds of information storage and memory so the research can drive you nuts trying to figure out which drugs result in State-Dependent Learning all the time and which only cause State-Dependent Learning part of the time.

Alcohol appears to result in State-Dependent Learning and other memory problems a lot.

Students who use a lot of caffeine to stay awake all night and study for finals appear to have a similar problem. Things learned under the influence of stimulants are very dose-dependent. So if you take a little of the stimulant you may learn more, take too much and it may block memory retention at all.

Methamphetamine users not only don’t learn a lot but begin to lose previously learned material. This makes us wonder how much amphetamine is helpful and how much of an ADHD med you can take before it impairs memory.

So our student, who studies all night, using stimulants to stay awake, may find two problems facing them the next day. State-Dependent Learning may require them to have the same stimulant and amount of stimulant in their system as when they learned it. This will be more or less of a problem depending on the type of memory involved. Picking out the correct answer from a multiple-choice list will not be so much affected. Remembering a list of things that are not on the paper may be harder. So will recognizing the correct answer if the instructor uses a different word to describe the same concept.

The student may also find that the things they could remember easily when wide awake on the stimulant, those answers can’t be found now that the brain is looking in the I am “so-o-o” tired file cabinets. Your physical condition and mood can also affect learning and memory as can the context.

Frankly – no drug appears to improve your memory over a long time and using drugs or alcohol runs the risk of getting the facts you need, lost in a wrong file cabinet, and not available when you need them.

Other drugs and prescribed medications can also cause memory problems and or State-Dependent Learning. Watch for more on this topic to come.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What are Lucid Dreams? Do Lucid Dreams cure Nightmares?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Dreams and Nightmares

Dreams and Nightmares
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Can Lucid Dreams cure nightmares?

Lucid dreams are dreams in which the dreamer knows that they are dreaming but does not awaken. Experienced Lucid dreamers are able to control the content and direction of the dream.

Lucid Dreams have been the subject of discussion for centuries. Various Lucid Dream techniques and dream practices are a part of Dream Yoga and Tibetan Buddhist practices but were largely dismissed by western practitioners. In recent years hard scientific evidence that Lucid Dreaming is occurring has been accumulating.

The goal in Lucid Dreaming is to manipulate the dreams so as to solve problems and reduce distressing elements of the dream. If the dreamer can recognize that they are dreaming they can become an active participant in the dream, creating and acting out events in the dream they wish would occur.

In a previous post, I wrote about how Nightmares can Maintain PTSD, most treatment for nightmares has involved talking about or rewriting dreams while awake. Lucid dreaming creates an opportunity to work on altering distressing dreams as they occur by taking actions to alter the course of the Lucid Dream.

Lucid Dreaming was used effectively in one 2006 study to reduce the frequency of nightmares.

While therapy has been applied to interpreting dreams and to coping with distressing elements of dreams after they occur, lucid dreaming is a tool for altering the dream as it is in progress.

Becoming aware that you are dreaming has also been used by artists and people seeking to improve their creativity by increasing the ability to move visions in the dream world into the awake world.

Most dream content is lost in the morning as soon as the dreamer moves or begins their morning rituals. Learning to recognize that you are dreaming and to continue to hold and process the dream upon awakening can increase the amount of the content of your dream the conscious mind retains.

Keeping a notebook by the bed and writing down all you can of the dream immediately upon awakening helps keep the dream from evaporating upon rising.

Experienced Lucid dreamers can review previous dreams and return to finish a previous dream. Lessons learned while dreaming can then be retained and applied to the waking life.

Researchers have found that things seen in the dream state will be believed even when they defy the laws of physics as we know them. While asleep the dreamer is willing to believe what they see, but upon awakening, they are quickly aware that what they saw in the dream is not possible. In the dream state seeing, really is believing.

Related to Lucid Dreaming is the phenomenon of False Awakening.  In False Awakening the dreamer dreams they have awakened but the dream continues. This continues until the dreamer realizes this must still be a dream or until they really do awaken.

Related Posts include Sleep Paralysis and Trauma Steals your Sleep.

Have you been able to recall your dreams? Have you ever tried to participate in the dream and alter the course of events? If you have had a Lucid dreaming experience or a false awakening please leave a comment.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Discovering Happiness

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Happy faces

Happiness.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

The search for Happiness.

Of the thousand goals, you might have in life, finding happiness sums up what most people are looking for. You might label it love or contentment, success, or achievement but whatever you call it we all appear to have the hope if we can just find that one elusive thing we are looking for we will finally be happy.

As a professional counselor and therapist, I like to think that basically what I do involves being in the happy life business. I try to help people create a happy life.

What a happy life means to you and what it might mean to me are probably quite different things. The hardest part of helping people find happiness is being able to “not know” what they should do to find their happiness and still participating in their journey to help them find their happiness.

Cultivating that “not knowing” attitude rather than imposing our version of happiness on others takes practice. Daily I have to think that I know nothing about this person and what will make them happy.  I need to create a safe place for them to explore that landscape and find what happiness would be to them.

Generally, I know the landscape of happiness. I have found some things that make me happy but the journey of discovery continues. I am honored when a client tells me that our time together has helped them find that place of success, love, or whatever they call their happiness.

I have written some blog posts on things I have learned about the search for happiness and they are listed below. Would you care to share some of the things that have led you to your happiness or the things that take you away from that place of fulfillment?

Past Posts on the topic of Happiness:

Successes, Happiness, and Contentment

Where Happiness Hides

Buying Happiness

Directions to Happiness

Finding Happiness

Happiness or Misery

How to Be Happy

Happy Enough to Make the Bed?

Should you be happy?

There are lots of posts on my blog and other blogs about unhappiness. It seems unhappiness is easier to find than happiness. One thing I am sure of is that things don’t equate with happiness. Things are symbols. Happiness comes from what the things symbolize to you.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Creating the changes you need.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Change

Change.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Changing self or others?

So very many people who come into counseling report their major problem is – the behavior of someone else. They ask “How can I get —– to change and stop doing —–.

Recovery literature frequently takes the view that you really can’t change someone else. If they change it will be because they recognize a problem and decide to change. So if 99% of the problem is their fault and only 1% is yours you need to start by working on your one percent.

There are times you can get others to change, but the trick here is that often that change begins with a change in you.

There are four primary change options. Which you chose and how effective it will be will depend on the nature of the change you need. Your partner driving you nuts by being a slob is quite different from a child who breaks out all the windows in a house.

1. Change by stop letting it bother you.

Change your thinking and stop letting it upset you. This is easy to say and sometimes difficult to do. If you began by liking a partner who was spontaneous, a free spirit, but now you are upset because they are irresponsible and a slob, recognize that the problem is in you. The very thing that attracted you to them is the thing that is causing the problem.

Anger management techniques, especially that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique involving the A-B-C-D-E model can be especially helpful.

Mindfulness training, meditation, and relaxation training can also help you to reduce your negative feelings so you can go along with what is happening but not get upset.

2. Help them move through the process of change.

If the other person has the problem and you are doing all you can to accept them but you decide it is they, not you who need to change, you can still help them change by assisting them in moving through the stages of change.

Counselors and professionals are specifically trained in the stages of change model and can help someone move through the process. Take a look at the blog posts on Stages of Change.

3. Create change by changing the dance.

Couples, families, and even workplaces get into a predictable way of doing things. Sometimes this works and sometimes it is dysfunctional. Think of the way this dance happens over and over.

Relationships are a lot like a square dance. Everyone moves around the square doing the same things over and over. If one person changes the way they move, starts walking in a different direction the whole square falls apart.

In relationships, we get into predictable patterns. A friend calls with a problem; we spend hours on the phone. We drive over to their house and help them out. Then we realize that we are always helping them, they never have the time or resources to help us.

Next time they call and describe their problem, rather than telling them you will help, tell them wow that is some problem, I am really looking forward to seeing how you solve that one. Then excuse yourself and hang up.

They may escalate the demands for your help by calling again and asking you to do something. Here is where you may need some assertiveness training. But at some point, you may need to tell them that if you keep solving their problems for them they will never learn to solve them on their own. Besides, right now you have problems of your own that need attention.

Once you have changed the dance, the other person will keep pushing you to get back in the old pattern. You will need to keep to the new direction. But eventually, they will stop asking for help. They may even stop inviting you to their problem dance.

But if you lose this “friend” because you put your needs and those of your family first, well they weren’t that good a friend, to begin with. You deserve better than that.

4. Change others using Influence.

Sometimes you need to make others change even when it would be easier and safer to let it go.

If your young child falls on the floor and has a tantrum, you teach him to stop. If your teenager is doing that you need serious intervention. You should not have let it get to this point.

Parents and teachers change kid’s behaviors all the time. We use rewards and appropriate non-physical punishment to produce change all the time.

There is a series of posts about how behavioral modification specialists get people to change their behavior. This is not some form of brainwashing or mind control.

You get to drive if you take the required steps including taking some tests. If you drive without a license you may get arrested or your car impounded. Society uses rewards and punishments every day. For rules to work we need to keep enforcing these rules.

If you want to alter behavior in your child or others in your life consider the more subtle uses of behavior modification described in my Changing Others series. Praise your child or your partner when they do well. Make sure that they don’t have to do something wrong to get your attention.

What you attend to you will get more of. Make sure you let those in your life know when they are pleasing you.

See also the posts on

Stages of Change

Changing others by Influencing  

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Changing Others by Influencing.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Changing your life

Time for a life change?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Creating change in others by influencing.

One way we get others to do more of what we want them to do and less of what we wish to avoid is a process called Behavioral Modification.

Here are the links to an ever-growing number of posts on change and how to create it.

Changing others series:

Changing Others – Part One  

Changing others part two

Rewards gone wild – Changing Others Part 3

Why ignoring them doesn’t work – Or does it Part 4

Why Your Child won’t Behave

NO, NO, NO – Learning NO!

For more on the process of change see the blog post series “What are the Stages of Change”

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

How to Find Success and Avoid Failure.

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success or failure sign

Success or failure.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

How do you become successful?

You will reach a destination faster and more surely if you have a map. Far too many people head off looking for success with no idea where they are going or how they will get there. They are surprised when after years of traveling life’s roads they still have not found the success they were looking for.

If you want a life that fails, you can avoid doing most anything, but to have real success will require some planning. Be careful about following other people’s directions, they may not be headed where you are going.

If you would be successful in life, invest some time in creating a roadmap to success that is specific to your life journey.

1. What does success mean to you?

To reach success you need a clear vision of what it will look like when you get there.

Not paying attention to this one has disastrous results. Lots of people go along following others rules; doing what they are supposed to do, only to find when they reach the destination they are not where they wanted to be.

Did you say you wanted to make a lot of money? Are you really willing to do anything to get it?  Spend some time at the beginning of your success journey thinking about what is most important to you. What are your values and goals? Will it be a success, if you earn the money you want by doing things that you consider morally wrong?

How much more will you need to get paid to compensate for a life of doing work you hate?

We find in career counseling that people, who are doing work they like and that they have the abilities for, are more likely to be successful.

Get to know yourself well. You should be your own best friend. The more self-knowledge you have the more likely you are to set a course for yourself that will be enjoyable and successful.

Lots of money won’t mean much if you are miserable and need to spend it all on therapy to solve your misery.

2. Investigate the possibilities.

Be sure you have a clear, accurate understanding of what it will be like to reach this goal.

Say you decide that for you, success is living at the beach – one time I was driving along and saw a sign that said something about an ancient beach. I took the turnoff and drove for hours. Eventually, I discovered I had ended up in the middle of the desert. There was a beach there all right. An ancient beach complete with fossils. But there had not been any water near there for a gazillion years.

So often clients tell me they perused a dream, an idea of success only to find out that the reality of the destination was very different from what they expected. Make sure you know if you become a novelist – just how much money does the average one make?  Do you know how many hours per week the top business managers work?

Would it really be worth it to you to go to college for 8 years to become a professor and then maybe work for what that school you are looking at pays? Today student debt is at an all-time high. People are finding that they can’t make enough in their chosen career field to pay back that college loan.

People can pursue career goals, go to school for a new occupation only to find out that they will need to move cross-country to be where the jobs are. Is success for you getting your dream job and moving to a new city to start a new life or is it getting the best job possible while living your life in your hometown?

Before you take a training class on becoming a jet aircraft mechanic find out if there are any airports in your area that have jets. And when was the last time they hired a mechanic at that airport?

There are plenty of posts in the blog-o-sphere about the importance of enjoying the journey. I tend to agree with that. The destination will be a lot less enjoyable if you do not enjoy the journey.

But life is not all about the journey. Failing to plan and going with the flow may mean you end up somewhere you never wanted to go.

Lots of people struggle to reach a goal thinking that will mean they are successful, only to discover the goal does not meet the need they have. In some disciplines, half of the people completing a college degree never work in the field. Either there are no jobs, none in the town they live in, or they decide they really do not want to do that kind of work.

3. Find out where you are now.

Thousands of kids tell me they want to play professional sports. One look at many of them tells me they are not likely to make it.

If you hate math and science should you really pursue an engineering career?

I am not telling you that you should chuck your dream. Some skinny kids do become Olympic weightlifters. But it is a long road. Do you enjoy doing the things you need to do to get there and when you reach the goal will it really have been worth it?

There are two approaches to getting from where you are now to where you want to be. Find the things you are strong at and build on those skills or find the things you are weak in and develop new skills.

What does not work is build a definition of success that requires you to become good at things for which you have no skills and doing things you do not like to do.

4. What roads will you need to follow to get to success?

If you can see the path from where you are to where you want to go clearly and that is a path you chose to travel then go for it. But a little planning, in the beginning, can help you avoid a ton of failure.

Does the job require education? Do you like going to school? If the job you want requires meeting the public and promoting the company are you a social person and will you enjoy making public appearances?

Lots of small business owners get into a bind when they create a business that involves them doing a lot of things they like to do and then as the business grows they find they are having to do everything and that there is very little they can turn over to others.

If you are a creative artist do you want to do your art or do you want to create an advertising company and spend time selling to clients while having to turn the creative work over to others?

Failure to consider the roads you will need to travel results in lots of people being unhappy along the way as they find themselves having to do things they never wanted to do to reach a success goal that is no longer appealing when they get there.

Starting today begin developing a plan that will take you to the place you call success.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Success or failure?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

Success or failure sign

Success or failure.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you a success or a failure?

Men and women seem to understand success and failure differently. The kinds of things that most men see as successes and failures are different from those experienced by women.

I know those old gender stereotypes are not always true and things are changing, but when it comes to issues of success and failure the problems that bring men and women to the counseling room are usually different. Men in counseling may say they are not very successful. They want to be more successful. Women rarely say that.

When men say success they mean money or accomplishment.

Men talk about not being successful in terms of money, income, being a good provider for their family. They also think in terms of accomplishment. Men feel good about themselves when they win a contest, are famous for some sport or activity, or because of education and promotions, they assume a position of authority.

It doesn’t always have to be about the money, it can also be about the position or the activity. A pastor, priest, or director of a nonprofit may not make a lot of money but they can think of themselves as successful if they are able to see their organization accomplish its mission. If they feel that the role they fill is important.

Women worry about relationship failure.

Women, on the other hand, are more likely to see their therapist because they perceive that they have “failed.” They report they have “failed” at marriage or “failed” at motherhood. Traditionally men and women have evaluated themselves differently.

Men think they need to have things.

Men are most likely to evaluate themselves based on what they have or “are.” They have a nice house, they drive a new prestigious car, they have a good-looking “trophy” wife. Lacking a lot of expensive toys a man can still feel good about himself if he believes he “is” something worthwhile. He can be poor and still have “status” if he is a priest or pastor, a doctor, or a professor.

Women tend to evaluate themselves based on their relationships. They can feel like a success if they have good children who love them. The love of their husband is likely to be more important than his income. Women have told me they don’t care if they have to live in a car as long as they know their man and their kids love them. Now clearly there are materialistic women just like there are men who are more motivated by love. But overall women may look for a man who can be a good provider for them and the children, but having made their choice they are most likely to feel they are successful if the relationship is going well rather than if he sends the money home from a place where he lives with someone else.

In therapy, people get a chance to take another look at their understanding of success and failure. They decide just what they need to do to feel successful and they learn new skills to move to the position of feeling good about themselves. Sometimes they discard the yardstick they have been using to measure success and get a new understanding of what success and failure mean to them.

Whether you feel like a success or failure then is not all about the money or the relationship. It is mostly about the yardstick you are using to measure success or failure. How do you measure your success or failure? What would you need to have or accomplish to feel successful and what are you doing to get there?

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder?

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By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.

personality disorder

Bipolar or borderline personality disorder?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Bipolar Disorder or Borderline?

There are several differences between these two disorders. But it is important to remember that it is possible for someone to have both problems which greatly confuses the issue.

The largest differences between the two are sleep and time. Ego strength and character structure also play roles in this choice of diagnoses. I have exaggerated the differences to make the distinction clearer.

Sleep matters.

To be Bipolar you must have had a Manic or Hypomanic episode. The key characteristic of those episodes is long periods (time) of above-average energy and decreased need for sleep.

In hypomania, the person may be able to get by on a few hours of sleep, 3 or 4, and they feel fine. In full-out mania, they may even go all night without sleeping and still be just fine. At least they think they are fine. Others around them may notice they are irritable from lack of sleep but they think they are just fine.

Also in Bipolar when they are up they feel great, expansive. The same person may have episodes of depression and during those times they may sleep too much or too little but the telling point is that in the up times they will tell you they are on top of the world, full of energy, and can just do so much without needing to sleep like lesser people.

With those Bipolar manic episodes comes tons of energy. They like to go up in the attic and swing from the rafters. They might work all day then go to the casino and gamble all night only to go back to work the next day like nothing has happened.

Time.

People with Borderline have many moods within a day. The can be “touchy” easily set off and others may hurt their feeling without meaning too or even knowing why. People with Borderline Personality disorder are full of pain and rarely have a good day. They can be so bruised that a look or word can hurt them.

People with Bipolar have longer periods of up or manic feelings. When times are good for them they are really good. They may go weeks, months, or even years when they are on top of the world. But eventually, the crash comes and there will be long periods of time when they are depressed, possibly unable to get out of bed. Recurring episodes of depression is a common feature of Bipolar Disorder.

Ego strength.

Borderline Personality Disorder is pain based. Many borderlines were abused, neglected or deserted. They are needy in relationships but always distrustful that the person they are with will leave them.  Borderline may threaten to kill themselves if you leave them.

Bipolar people mostly don’t care what you think of them, at least not when they are manic. They know they are smarter than Einstein and better looking. They believe they can work miracles. This overvaluation of themselves and their abilities gets them in trouble a lot. The take excessive risks not because they want to hurt themselves like the borderline but because they really believe they will win.

Borderlines are anxious, Bipolar people could care less. Let this one leave and they will find another.

Sex.

People with Bipolar Disorder are often hypersexual. They can’t seem to get enough. This will lead to sexual indiscretions that ruin their established relationships. When manic they just can’t seem to stop themselves. When you’re manic the whole world looks good.

Borderlines are rarely secure in a relationship, fearful that if this partner leaves them, that confirms their fear, they don’t deserve a partner. They will stick with a partner, often an unworthy one, because they fear that if they were to break up they just could not take it.

Who loves their disease?

Someone with Bipolar disorder resembles a Vegas Gambler when they are on a winning streak they want to ride it forever. When the crash they hate themselves and can’t face the wreckage they have created. Bipolar people like being manic. They frequently quit taking their meds just so they can feel manic again. Mania is seductive like a new lover, but one who keeps treating you wrong. Still, you want to recapture that allure.

Borderlines are more like characters from a soap opera, bad stuff keeps happening to them and they wish the pain would end. They live in a world of pain and hurt. They wish they could find a way to get things to change. They are often angry and feel others don’t treat them right. Frequently they are correct. They have been mistreated by someone somewhere and they keep trying to find a way to make it right, to make the pain go away.

Do they ever not have symptoms? – Character structure.

Someone who has Bipolar disorder has a “Mood disorder.” They have specific times (Periods) when they have mania or Depression but at other times they have no mood symptoms. These times of apparent “normal” behavior may last for months or years and then something kicks off another episode of mania or depression.

Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder has a “Personality Disorder.” The presumption here is that they learned to be this way and are like this most of the time. They learned to protect themselves, store their anger, and release it in bursts and other survival techniques. The trouble is that the way they handle emotion makes them and those around them miserable.

The younger you were when you learned basic ways of being with others the harder it is to change. Most people with Borderline Personality Disorder continue to have some symptoms even after treatment, though with good care they can and do get much better.

Please check out my other posts on Bipolar disorder and Borderline personality disorder the list of categories is to the right.

Staying connected with David Joel Miller

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available now!

My newest book is now available. It was my opportunity to try on a new genre. I’ve been working on this book for several years, but now seem like the right time to publish it.

Story Bureau.

Story Bureau is a thrilling Dystopian Post-Apocalyptic adventure in the Surviving the Apocalypse series.

Baldwin struggles to survive life in a post-apocalyptic world where the government controls everything.

As society collapses and his family gets plunged into poverty, Baldwin takes a job in the capital city, working for a government agency called the Story Bureau. He discovers the Story Bureau is not a benign news outlet but a sinister government plot to manipulate society.

Bumps on the Road of Life. Whether you struggle with anxiety, depression, low motivation, or addiction, you can recover. Bumps on the Road of Life is the story of how people get off track and how to get your life out of the ditch.

Dark Family Secrets: Doris wants to get her life back, but small-town prejudice could shatter her dreams.

Casino Robbery Arthur Mitchell escapes the trauma of watching his girlfriend die. But the killers know he’s a witness and want him dead.

Planned Accidents  The second Arthur Mitchell and Plutus mystery.

Letters from the Dead: The third in the Arthur Mitchell mystery series.

What would you do if you found a letter to a detective describing a crime and you knew the writer and detective were dead, and you could be next?

Sasquatch. Three things about us, you should know. One, we have seen the past. Two, we’re trapped there. Three, I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to our own time.

For these and my upcoming books; please visit my Author Page – David Joel Miller

Want the latest blog posts as they publish? Subscribe to this blog.

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel